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Hello there!
Your English is great! Well done!
You have a pretty complicated situation. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s awful to watch the man you love slip through your fingers.
There is a big red flag here and it’s a deal breaker. I know how amazing he is, so this might be really hard to hear. The deal breaker is that he runs. That is his coping mechanism. He doesn’t just run into his cave and process on his own and then comes back out, he breaks up. That’s the deal breaker part. When the stress is high enough, he will retreat and leave you alone. If you get back together, this is what will happen down the road. It won’t matter if you are married or living together or whatever situation you are in…if he is under enough stress, he will leave. I get it though. I used to be like that. I was okay with leaving too. It was safer to leave than to stay put and risk being hurt. It’s a quality that will ruin any relationship.
I know there are sooooo many amazing things about him though. That’s the hard part. This 1 thing will always be there and can ruin it all in a matter of seconds. The thing is, he is not TRULY investing his heart, fully and completely. People that have his coping mechanism, always have 1 foot out the door (although you would never know it most of the time). That is why he is able to leave so easily. He is NOT fully invested and who knows if he ever will be. Being that I used to be like him, I had to work VERY DEEP in my heart and face all the fears and traumas that activated that coping mechanism. And it is still there. It will never go away, but what has changed for me, is that I am so much stronger and have very healthy skills to help me deal with the stress so I don’t have to run. Now…I would rather love deeply than to run away so I don’t get hurt. He is not there yet and he may never get there. Who knows. I am saying this just to help you understand more about the kind of guy you are wanting to hold your heart.
As far as texting him, how do you feel about sending him something encouraging? An article? maybe some that can help encourage him with what he is going through… A youtube video? maybe something to make him laugh…An ecard? Maybe just a simple note that says “I’m thinking about you and sending you and your family a lot of good vibes. Know that you are not and I’m still here to help in any way possible. Big hug.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hello there!
Your English is great! Well done!
You have a pretty complicated situation. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s awful to watch the man you love slip through your fingers.
There is a big red flag here and it’s a deal breaker. I know how amazing he is, so this might be really hard to hear. The deal breaker is that he runs. That is his coping mechanism. He doesn’t just run into his cave and process on his own and then comes back out, he breaks up. That’s the deal breaker part. When the stress is high enough, he will retreat and leave you alone. If you get back together, this is what will happen down the road. It won’t matter if you are married or living together or whatever situation you are in…if he is under enough stress, he will leave. I get it though. I used to be like that. I was okay with leaving too. It was safer to leave than to stay put and risk being hurt. It’s a quality that will ruin any relationship.
I know there are sooooo many amazing things about him though. That’s the hard part. This 1 thing will always be there and can ruin it all in a matter of seconds. The thing is, he is not TRULY investing his heart, fully and completely. People that have his coping mechanism, always have 1 foot out the door (although you would never know it most of the time). That is why he is able to leave so easily. He is NOT fully invested and who knows if he ever will be. Being that I used to be like him, I had to work VERY DEEP in my heart and face all the fears and traumas that activated that coping mechanism. And it is still there. It will never go away, but what has changed for me, is that I am so much stronger and have very healthy skills to help me deal with the stress so I don’t have to run. Now…I would rather love deeply than to run away so I don’t get hurt. He is not there yet and he may never get there. Who knows. I am saying this just to help you understand more about the kind of guy you are wanting to hold your heart.
As far as texting him, how do you feel about sending him something encouraging? An article? maybe some that can help encourage him with what he is going through… A youtube video? maybe something to make him laugh…An ecard? Maybe just a simple note that says “I’m thinking about you and sending you and your family a lot of good vibes. Know that you are not and I’m still here to help in any way possible. Big hug.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Kayla,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing more details? I’m not sure I fully understand. He broke up because he wanted to be with BOTH of you? Is he with her now? Are you willing to have an open relationship? Do you still talk to him? Does he show any kind of interest of getting back together? How long were you together before breaking up?
The more details, the better! It helps us offer better guidance as to your next steps.
Heidi
Hi Neelma,
Welcome! You have such an interesting story and it’s much more layered than maybe you even realize.
I understand why you did what you did. I’m a little confused though. You said that for a year he was always talking about another woman he was in love with. Yet he was also showing feelings towards you? Have you guys ever met in person? Was there any kind of agreement about what the relationship was? I’m not sensing that you guys are on the same page. Would you say that is accurate?
Here is the thing. You are taking responsibility for the “failed” relationship, but it ALWAYS takes 2. Yes, you crossed a line. Also, from what you learned about him through your fake profile, you discovered that he was revealing information about himself that you didn’t know. He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who wants to invest in anyone seriously. He sounds like the kind of guy who plays with a lot of different women and never truly gets serious about any of them. Am I understanding this correctly?
You may have not made the best decision, but he also is not supporting the kind of relationship you are interested in having with him. You may have broken his trust, but he also is not trustworthy. Is this truly the kind of guy you want holding your heart?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Holy smokes Vino!!! So good to hear from you! I have been wondering about how you were doing! So great to hear from you! Did you find a new job??
What a fascinating update! You really are taking quite the journey aren’t you? Well done! It sounds like you are getting to know a lot of different parts of yourself. You are doing such a fabulous job stopping and really questioning yourself and your feeling. Our feeling and emotions are NOT the facts, although we love to let them be – which is what gets us all in trouble most of the time. Whenever I get triggered, there are 4 things I always remind myself of. 1. My emotions are not facts 2. Don’t believe any judgments 3. Do no harm (to myself or others) 4. Know this will pass.
I love that JB FINALLY called. I’m glad that you guys are having some great conversations together. I’m glad that he is exposing you to new parts of yourself. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! He is serving a great purpose for you in your life. Whether or not he ends up being a long term guy for you, who knows. It doesn’t matter. Just keep bringing yourself back to the present moment and deal with all the gifts that right in front of you right now. One day at a time. Which it sounds like you are a doing really good job with! I just an sooooo excited for you and all the stuff you are unraveling inside. It is the theme of the coronavirus! Everyone is unravelling on so many levels. People will either take advantage of it or become victim to it. I’m glad to know you are one of the wise ones!!!
Please keep sharing!!!!
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Well done giving him space and just letting him be! I know how hard that is though.
How about saying some like, “Hey there. I think it was good for us that we took some space. I am ready to re-connect, so whenever you are ready, just reach out. I will still keep giving you space until you tell me otherwise. Big hug!” Or something to that effect. Basically, you just want to let him know you are ready, but don’t force him into a time. It comes across as controlling – like you are ready so he should be ready. You want him to feel free to come to you when he is truly ready and not on your timetable. Does that make sense?
Also, let’s talk a bit about what you want to say to him. What’s your plan?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Great to meet you…welcome! Thank you for sharing your situation with us here.
I know this is not what you want to hear at the moment. I completely get how strong the feelings are for him. The reality is though, you barely know him. You have had some wonderful and amazing conversations which have been so nourishing and empowering for you. You are coming out of 2 decades of an abusive relationship. You have a lot of rebuilding to do and that kind of rebuilding and healing is most effective and best done alone. Stepping into another relationship before having an extended amount of time on your own is a recipe for disaster. You need time to allow for all the layers of emotions and thoughts and limiting patterns to emerge. It would be a really good thing to work with a therapist if you are willing. It’s no different than an alcoholic or drug addict going sober. Staying OUT of relationship is crucial until they can discover who they are separate from the substance and develop a healthier skillset to deal with the stressors in their life. Your drug was a very unhealthy and damaging marriage and you have just entered the “sober” phase where you are away from what was causing you harm and now you have a lot to face in yourself.
It also sounds like he has quite a bit of stuff to deal with as well. So I would recommend to slow things down (in your mind) and view the conversations as healing and helpful, but recognize that you need a lot of time to get to know yourself before you can be an effective partner for anyone.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
It’s a very hard reality that all of us are capable of anything. When life mixes together just the right kind of stress and emotions, it becomes an elixir to cause people to do things they normally never would do. When and how and if those elixirs show up in a person’s life, who knows what that mixture will cause them to do. I’ve experienced those elixirs a couple of times, but each time I learned the signs and symptoms of when I am heading into trouble. I know NOW that I better get my shit together or I will be faced with possibly making some very damaging choices. I use myself as an example, because I am a highly aware, educated, very skilled with my emotions kind of person and those elixirs still have gotten the best of me at times. They can get the best of anyone – no one is immune to them. Does this make sense?
I say this to validate your concern, but to also help you get connected to the truth that he is human and could end up messing up and cheating on you for whatever reason. He also may never cheat on you. Who knows what is on the path ahead of you guys. What is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to recognize is that IF he does end up making that kind of choice, you will be okay. I always coach people to keep the trust in themselves instead of handing it away to their partners. Meaning, instead of saying “I trust you…” you instead say “I trust myself that no matter what your choices are in your life, I will be okay. I am resilient and I know that even if you make a choice that causes me a lot of pain, I will get through it, I will heal and I will become a better person for it.” That is what it means to have trust in yourself and keeping the trust in yourself instead of handing it over to him. Because truth is, you may feel like you can trust him, but because he is human, he will break that trust in many different ways throughout your path together simply because he is human. So keep connected to yourself, your inner strength and the truth that no matter what happens, you will be okay – trust yourself.
Does this help at all?
Heidi
Hey there! Just checking in and seeing how you are doing. I’m sure you are super busy right now, so no rush in posting anything soon. Just know you are being thought about and you matter!
Heidi
I bet you are tired! Moving is absolutely exhausting. I have done it soooooo many times in my life. I somehow end up moving once a year or once every few years. I have a whole system in place and boxes etc. so that it’s as easy as possible, but it’s still exhausting, so I know what you are going through. I totally get that kind of tired where you do stupid brainless things like break things and hurt yourself…lol.
Doesn’t it feel good to miss somebody? It’s great feedback as to where you are in your heart with that person. He is becoming a pretty solid part of your life. I love it and am excited for you!
Things are so interesting here as tensions rise with all the protests. It’s leaking into the smallest parts of life. I’ve had a few clients who are white that are getting some pretty nasty remarks. One client was running outside, early in the morning and someone yelled outside their house at him “White privilege!” Another client of mine had her roommate (who is Mexican and a hairdresser – and has been struggling financially because of covid) yell at my client (my client’s online business is booming like crazy – so she is doing the best she ever has financially) when she asked her roommate if she was okay. Her roommate just kept yelling at her accusing her of her “white privilege” and saying she is was using her “white power” to make her roommate feel bad about herself when my client offered to cover the utility bills for a few months. It’s just so sad to me how people just keep pointing fingers at everyone as their own emotions get all stirred up – and that people feel okay saying harmful things to whomever they are targeting. And I’ve heard so many more stories of this. There still is quite a bit of unrest and uncertainty with Covid numbers going up pretty high in certain states, things open, things not open, the riots and people just starting to go “stir crazy” so few people have healthy skills to deal with the emotions that are coming up. Personally, I am doing great and loving this period of time in my life. I’m doing a lot of deeper and much needed transformational work on myself. I find that most people are either taking advantage of this time or becoming victim to it. How is your area handling opening up a little more?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
The very best way to keep the “right” man interested is just being your happy, confident self. Men love to be around a woman who knows who she is, doesn’t need him to make her happy and able to live a full life, all on her own. She is the creator of her life and she loves her life. Men are very attracted to this kind of woman (the right kind of men). So it’s not about you “doing” any specific to keep him interested. If he loses interest, then maybe it’s just not meant to be. Just being yourself is enough to keep the right kind of man engaged with you. You are enough, just as you are.
ON top of that, offer him compliments, show your appreciation for him, keep things slow and stay VERY connected to yourself and what is okay for you. Keep distance and allow him to chase you. Hold off for awhile before having sex. Be flirty and available, yet make him feel like he could lose you.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
This is a great opportunity for you to dive into those “empty” feelings and find out what’s there. If you just ignore it and keep yourself distracted, it will always be with you and is something that will always be able to get triggered in you. If you dive into it, you can discover the feelings you are carrying, why they are there and then get to know yourself better. Do you ever journal? One of my favorite books is called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron https://juliacameronlive.com/ It’s not about being an artist…it is about self-discovery and she has wonderful questions to help you journey deeper into yourself.
Derek Rydall also has some great books: https://getemergencebook.com/
The idea is, you want to connect to those parts of you that are feeling “empty.” If you don’t, you will just keep finding ways to connect to someone else that will help you not feel empty and then that person becomes your source for happiness – when in truth, YOU need to be your own source for happiness. THis makes for a much healthier foundation for any relationship. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Mallorie,
Welcome! Wow…you guys are really going through a lot. I’m so sorry for this struggle, but it sounds like there are many many gifts in it and you are finding them. You are waking up on a brand new level and that is just wonderful! Well done!!! I hope he is taking the same journey as well. You BOTH have a lot of work to do.
Is there a possibility to go to a marriage specialist? There is so much to learn and navigate, that having a 3rd party would really be helpful. Or maybe go through a book or program together? John Gottman does spectacular work with relationships and marriages. You can find a therapist trained by him. Here is his website: http://www.gottman.com He also has couples retreated / parenting programs etc. You can do a ton of work on yourself, but that only part of the equation, as you have the relationship and the life you build together as something that needs to heal and be repaired as well. DO you think he would be willing to do something WITH you?
The very first thing you can begin to do is start to appreciate him more. It doesn’t matter if he offers it in return. This is about YOU being the kind of person, wife, partner you want to be, just because it’s how you want to live your life. So imagine what kind of person you would be if you were happy and getting all your needs met. How would you treat him? How would you treat yourself? What kinds of things would you do? How would you show him that you valued him? Make a list, write it all out and then start to BE that way. Of course it won’t always be easy, but it is a choice you have, each day and each moment about the kind person you want to be in this world. This can maybe start to help put some deposits into the “soul bank” of the marriage.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Awwww! Thank you for your appreciation! It always warms our hearts deeply knowing we are able to truly support someone through their challenge. So thank you for saying that!
So when he says something like that, the very best thing you can do for him is to instead of saying “that’s the old you” (because it doesn’t feel like that to him) you get him talking. Here is a very simple 4 step process to remember when helping anyone through a challenge or statement like that.
1. Listen – let the person
2. Validate
3. Ask questions – get curious
4. Problem solve
The first 3 steps are all interchangeable. It is the MOST IMPORTANT part of supporting a person through their thought process. Many times, that is all that is needed and problem solving doesn’t even need to happen.SO when he says something like that you could say, “Yeah…I get it. I have made so many decisions that have caused a lot of chaos in my life. I know I always will, as that’s just part of being human I guess.” “I’m so sorry you have to feel regret. You are doing the very best that you know how with the information you have. Even with your best intentions, things won’t turn out well sometimes. You are a good man regardless. Your heart is in a good place and it’s one of my favorite things about you. Whether you mess up or not in life, it doesn’t change your heart. The fact that you care so much just reminds me of the good man that you are and I love that about you.” “You know, you’ve said you regret your decisions a lot. I’ve always wondered why. I guess I just figure that we all do the best we can and things are still going to be messy, but it’s okay. I just view those times as teaching moments. There’s always so much to learn so I can do better next time. How do you view it?” or you can keep it even more simple and just say “Wow. I see you are really beating up on yourself about this. Tell me more about it.” Or “I’m sorry this is so hard for you. It just sucks to have to deal with the consequences of choices we make. I have complete faith in you that you will figure this out though. Your heart is in the right place and there hasn’t ever been a time that you didn’t get through a challenge. You will get through this one too.”
Hopefully this gives you a more full picture of the various responses of how you can support him. There are also a ton of small things you can do like leaving little “I believe in you” notes in his wallet or jeans pocket or in his car. You can send him super funny youtube videos that might make him laugh just for a moment. You can send him articles that might help him through what he is going through.
It sounds like he could also use a role model. Maybe do some research on some self help books written by a man that would offer guidance for your guy. Maybe buy a book for him or an audio book or send him some podcast links. It is soooooo helpful to get someone else’s voice in your mind and heart to counteract the craziness.
Heidi
Hi Cissi,
Good to hear your thoughts and feeling about everything! It’s helpful to understand more about you and how you function in your life.
This is a BIG concern and red flag: “I think I’ve gotten so used to it by now, this behaviour, that I don’t really register it in the same way like before, don’t believe it in the same way or get that hurt by it anymore.” If you are used to being abused and don’t get hurt by it anymore, that’s letting you know you are shut down and numb. You are SUPPOSED to be hurt by it!!! It’s not healthy and it’s toxic and harmful. Imagine having stuck your hand on a hot stove soooo many times that you don’t even feel the heat anymore. Does that mean that the hot stove isn’t doing damage? Nope. Every single time it does damage and harms your skin and your nerves even though your body will have built up lots of scar tissue so you don’t feel the burn anymore. That’s all that happened here. You have numbed your protective mechanisms that are the messengers of warning. Hurt and pain is an alarm for us to let us know we need to proceed with caution. You have turned those off. A healthy person would be hurt and feel the pain of verbal abuse and get away from it, not stay in it. I wonder what your childhood was like. Did you have parents or siblings who treated you this way??
“Sadly enough, I try to always see the good in people, having hope, believing it can be better, always stick my neck out when someone is feeling down, always being there because I believe in the good, trying not to let the bad stuff win and having faith. I am like that with everyone that I care about or know.” This is a beautiful way to see and experience people. It’s a gift. The thing about this though, is you need to love and care for yourself JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than others. You are excluding yourself in this. You are a person too. You are hurting, allowing yourself to be abused and yet you choose to stay in it. That is NOT a loving, caring, connective and kind choice towards yourself. You are offering all this love and acceptance and care to him at the expense of yourself. It is NOT true love, true kindness, true compassion or true acceptance when it causes you harm.
He may or may not come back. Who knows. The thing is, he is abusive and harmful to you, so your goal needs to find a way to completely separate from the person. He can apologize until he is blue in the face, but that DOES NOT change behavior. What changes behavior is deep healing. The ONLY way he can change is to get help. He needs to face himself, his fears, his wounds, his hurt and anger that he is carrying around all the time. Until he does that, he will ALWAYS be abusive and it WILL escalate. The longer he lives like this, the more it grows over time. The odds of him turning physically abusive are VERY HIGH. It may take another 10 years, but the anger will just get bigger and bigger, if he doesn’t deal with it. He is DANGEROUS!!!
I know this would be a new way of thinking for you and I have no doubt you will push away what I am saying. And that’s okay. My suggestion is to get a therapist if you can. I think it’s important for you to start to connect more to yourself, care more about how you are treated and deal with your own wounds that are there that make it okay for you to be abused and mistreated like this. Otherwise, if you disconnect from him, you will only find another abuser to connect to.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
