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So…get more specific. That’s a very general way of saying it and he could interpret that many different ways and it’s not really addressing specifically the new pattern you are wanting to know about.
Here might be something you want to try where it’s even more direct and honoring what you are really feeling.
“So I’ve noticed the past few weeks you have started to call me your friend and you didn’t do that before. It makes me wonder if there is a shift happening for you and if you are having some thoughts about you and me that maybe you want to talk about. I’m curious if you are willing to share.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Okay…well this could be a REALLY good time to learn some skills about how to talk to a man in a way that keeps him open to what you are saying vs. closing him down. Men and women think sooooo differently, especially when it comes to love and relationships. It’s important to learn how to communicate our feelings in a way that honors that and keep communication open and pleasurable…hopefully. Communication is usually the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce. It’s quite the skill and one worth learning and practicing. So this is a great opportunity for you to learn how to use your voice AND create a conversation that can be more successful.
Are you willing to learn? If yes, start with writing out what you want to say to him and then we can coach you through that.
Heidi
Hey there,
First, you CAN heal. Your resilience is not gone. It’s still there and you are figuring out ways to deal with it. Sometime though, it takes a little longer because our trigger is deeper and more intense. That’s all that is happening here. I have had 1 boyfriend who did that to me. Most of the time, my breakups were okay and I could deal. This 1 in particular dropped me to my knees. I was soooo depressed for a few weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything except show up to work. He worked with me too, so that meant I would burst out crying in my office many times as I saw him walk by. The funny thing is, the breakup was very necessary, very healthy, a smart thing to do and quite peaceful actually. It was just time and there was not a single bad thing about it. It took me a good 2-3 years to release all the energy about him. I would still check his Facebook and get hurt as I saw him posting pics of other girls. I didn’t want him back, but I still hurt from the loss of him. He got in deep, even though I KNEW from the very first moment there was going to be an ending at some point. He was NOT my long term person he was just a stepping stone and an experience I wanted to have. Little did I know how deep he got until we broke up. The thing is, it was such a deep trigger to lose him because of all the wounds that got activated by the loss of him. The loss of this guy is reflecting back to you all the emotions and feelings you have buried and never dealt with. Of course, losing connection in and of itself is hard enough, but then add all the other emotions you have carried since birth into the mix and you get a HUGE, GIANT reaction that feels unmanageable. In a way, this is good for you. Your hurt, the pain, the loss is a gift. He just happened to push the right button to trigger all of this unrest in you. This is not about him. This is about you. You can choose to face it, embrace it, work with it – or bury it back up again continue to design your life the way you have been doing. Your life is your design.
“I know that I’m done being single and would really like to have a steady partner. But not just anyone – someone I can connect with and have deep feelings for and who has the same for me.” This is coming from a place of woundedness. This is a sign of wounded type thinking. Whenever you feel you are not okay without something or that you need something in order to feel happy in your life, you are talking from your wounds and NOT clarity, truth or wisdom. I can be 100% comfortable being single at my age, because I know now how to be fulfilled without a man. I, of course, still desire to be with a man, but having him does not define my level of happiness. You have been feeling lonely for awhile, so you ended up finding someone to fill up that space FOR you. Now he is gone and you are back to wanting a man again. You will only keep repeating this pattern over and over and over again. And even if you DO find a guy who you love and connect with and reciprocates the feelings, it still won’t change the feelings of loneliness you carry inside – most likely connected to the abandonment issues you mentioned as a child. You CANNOT fix how you feel inside by using outside sources – other people, money, sex, love, exercise, food, partying, working, career etc. An emotionally healthy person uses these things as additions to their life that just ADD to the happiness they already feel inside. They don’t use these things to complete them or use them as a source for their happiness. Does this make sense?
“As for sex-only, I do see some online “coaches” out there who advocate for women to have a healthy sex life, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship. I don’t know how much to believe in this. What are your thoughts?” There are a million thoughts I have about this, but the main one is, no one can say what is right for another. There is some truth to this way of living and there are a lot of reasons why living that way is not healthy. It just depends on the person, the reasons why they live that way and their own personal relationship/beliefs they carry about their body and their sexuality. It’s a touchy subject though and that deserves EXTENSIVE self reflection and consideration so you don’t end up harming yourself or others in ways you are not connected to.
Heidi
Ha! You are getting it!
Desires and wounds are soooooo inter-connected. Even as skilled as I am, I sometimes cannot tell the difference between the 2 and need time for the truth to be revealed.
Let me explain it this way. Imagine you are in a car. You have 2 drivers. The car itself represents the desire of wanting to “belong” to a man. 1 driver carries the truth/clarity/wisdom. 1 driver carries the lies/fears/limiting beliefs that exist from all your wounds. The car (the desire) carries BOTH drivers all the time. Which one is driving, is the one in control of the desire and who influences the direction of that car. So your desire to belong to a man has been controlled by the wounded driver more than the driver holding the truth.
For example, I do have a desire to be with a man and have an expansive, powerful and limitless experience with a man. In this moment, my desire is clear. I can tell because I am not looking, I am peaceful, I am 100% fulfilled and satisfied with my life right now. My desire for a man is there, but is not in control with how I live my life or even how I feel about my life. I have 100% trust that I will meet him when the timing is good for both of us. I have a feeling it will be this year (sometime by November). We shall see :). My desire sits in my heart in a very centered and grounded way. I am peaceful about it, I do not believe I NEED it. It’s a very peaceful desire. When I have not been peaceful before, I will “crave” wanting to meet a man. I will think about it a lot. I will take specific actions. I will flirt more. I will feel less happy and content about my life. THEN I know my wounded self is driving the car. Desires don’t need to be healed. What needs to be healed is the wounded driver, so the driver holding the truth and the wisdom is always the one driving the car. When this happens, many many times, the desires will change. Does this help at all??
I also COMPLETELY get your realization about your class and how it helped you process your feelings. Being an athlete, I knew this a long time ago. Soccer was my sport and part of why I loved it so much was because of the relief is brought me from my life. Many times I just felt better after practice or after a game. It’s a brain break! You get so focused on what you are doing, that nothing else exists and this gives your brain a “rest” and it creates a pathway for your emotions to be channeled through physical movement. With my personal training clients, I do this all the time. When they come in with elevated emotions, I design specific workouts to create that channel of emotional release without them realizing what I am helping them do. It works every time! I LOVE that you discovered this!
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Well done! You are becoming more and more clear!
There are several ways to approach this, but it’s hard to say, because I don’t know him. When you say you are afraid of retaliation, what does that mean to you? Other than being verbally abusive and critical, has he ever harmed you? Has he ever harmed anyone? Have you seen him retaliate before?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! Gosh, I totally know how you feel. I have always been very proud of my ability to be somewhat of a minimalist. I do not keep things I do not use. However, I am ALWAYS shocked each time I move, with how much stuff I have. It amazes me! It can be overwhelming. The best part about moving, is it is such a great time for releasing stuff. People naturally become more ready to release things and they clear the clutter. Moving is a lot to deal with! There is always so much to do and it’s nonstop. Even being an expert mover, having several systems of flow in place and being crazy organized, I still get overwhelmed and exhausted. One day at a time. One breath at a time. One pizza at a time ;).
Work and ethics and the social / cultural politics of it all are a tough subject. So many different experiences and opinions, it’s impossible to please everyone. I love you sharing what is happening in your company. Vent all you want. No judgments here…just listening ears. I believe the drama, the upheaval, the unrest is good though. It means your company, along with people around the world, are questioning, restructuring and knowing that something new needs to come out of this and that the “old” ways are no longer acceptable. I love this! It’s uncomfortable for sure. It’s confusing and hard to figure out the path and how to best serve your business. At the very least, I’m glad your company is exploring this. Hopefully the end result and the path they choose will be one that supports everyone in the very best ways!
I hope you get to see your guy soon!
Heidi
Yes! That is EQ. But further than EQ is someone who has the skillset and natural desire to heal. EQ is more about the mind. Healing is about the heart. So I can be VERY smart and know all about my issues and blocks, but that is just the first step. Healing is deeper. When people go for healing, they also dramatically increase their EQ as they learn more about themselves. This is what I teach as the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Most people can “know” and learn about themselves by reading books and talking to people. Putting that knowledge into action is when it becomes wisdom. Wisdom can only be attained through healing – meaning NO emotional reaction to a trigger. Here is an example…I can teach you the famous chocolate chip cookie recipe I have. You can memorize it, you can imagine how it tastes, you can teach others the recipe. You have the knowledge, but you don’t TRULY know the depths of the amazingness of that cookie until you taste it and experience it. That’s when it becomes wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge in action. There are plenty of people who can talk wisdom. It’s VERY easy to get fooled by them. They say all the right things, they know A LOT, but then when you see them in their life, that knowledge doesn’t align with their actions. That’s when you know that they have not taken the path to BECOME that knowledge. They haven’t done deeper healing work. Another example: When I was in my 20s, I remember a moment where I was stood up on a date. That NEVER happened to me and I was shocked. I got so upset and went to my neighbor’s house and we ate ice cream and bashed on guys all night. It bothered me for an entire week and then I buried it. I KNEW the truth of the situation that him standing me up was not about me, but him. But I wasn’t able to feel that way. What I felt was rejected, lame, foolish, not enough. So what I knew and what I felt were NOT aligned. Since then, I have done so much healing work that if I were stood up today, my ego would have something to say about that, I would feel rejected, but I also would quickly be able to align the truth with my feelings, because I have waaaaay less baggage that I am carrying. Does this make sense?
Let’s continue talking about true love. I’m not sure I believe in unconditional love in the traditional sense. I’ve been exploring this topic quite a bit actually and am not 100% clear. Truth is, you could be married and love your husband, but one day he hits you. One day he become verbally abusive. One day he cheats and blames you for all his problems. People tend to think that unconditional love means unconditional acceptance. The moment that loving someone else happens at the expense of your well being and self-love, it no longer is truly love. So you can unconditionally love someone and NOT be with them, because you do not unconditionally accept their behaviors.
Thoughts??
Heidi
Wow! That is soooo fascinating about the scammer! Holy smokes! Well done for figuring that out so quickly. I hope you do find a way of busting him. I wonder what he was trying to “get” from you. What is he getting out of connecting with women in this way?
I wanted to briefly touch on the true love definition you mentioned previously. “true love is when you give a person the power to destroy you (they know all your truths- the good, the bad, the ugly) to destroy you but you know 100% that they won’t use that power.” I’ve thought about this and there is an aspect that I think I don’t align with. It’s the part about believing they won’t use that power. I think people are just human. I know that when pain shows up, people become capable of anything. I’m someone who is HIGHLY aware of who I am, yet I have had moments of doing things fully and completely out of my integrity because just the right mixture of emotions were present. I have learned that every single person is capable of anything. So I guess it’s an illusion on some level to me, to believe someone won’t hurt you and use that power against you just because of they “truly” love you.
Thoughts on this? What else do you resonate with about what true love is?
Heidi
What Kanya is saying about radical trust is that you have 100% trust that “everything is as it should be” ALWAYS. It’s trusting that every situation, whether we term it good or bad, is here to help us understand ourselves on a deeper level. If regret shows up, that is a sign of unprocessed feelings you have NOT a sign that you should have made a different decision. Like Kanya said – regret IS a choice. Again, we get to choose the story we put on each situation. If you choose to put the story of regret on a situation and not deal with underlying emotions around it, then you will create suffering for yourself. If you want to choose a story where you 100% TRUST that each day, each moment and each experience is here to teach you and help you know yourself better, then regret is just a teacher, NOT the truth and NOT an emotion to make any kind of decision from.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
How about we construct a good approach. How were you thinking about saying this to him?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow…you shared soooo many of your wonderful thoughts, it’s great! There is A LOT to unpack here, so I’m just going to go through some things that really popped out.
“I don’t know why I end up finding “unavailable” guys more attractive somehow.”
This is actually quite common amongst the females. Many guys know that if they treat the girl like “shit” (in other words, be emotionally unavailable), the girl will end up chasing them – and so much of that is true! I know treated you well, but he still is unavailable, so the concept still applies. I won’t go into the layers of why that technique actually works, as I could write a whole book about it. What you need to understand is the basics though. The behavior and situation you accept is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. So picking guys who are unavailable tells you how much you are not very kind and loving towards yourself. I used to have this issue. I only dated the “hard to get” kind of guys. I never was treated poorly, but I definitely had an attraction to that “bad boy” type – the guys that always had a line of girls after him – that guy who knew it and that guy who you could never “get” because he was so emotionally blocked off and carrying a ton of wounds – hence the “bad boy” energy. Super super long story short, I KNEW that was the kind of guy I wanted because if I actually got their attention, I was FINALLY valuable enough. It was a huge self-esteem boost. This pattern was created by having an unavailable father. Basically, I lived with a lot of low self-esteem in certain areas of my life and I did what most people do and searched for the guys to give it to me. It wasn’t until I started to truly care about how I was treated, truly care about my heart and value my heart, that I was able to change my pattern. I switched from “bad boy” conossuer to being attracted to the nice guys. Before I shifted, I used to try to date nice guys and I had a pattern of only lasting 2 weeks before “boredom” set in. The boredom was just a symptom of my very muddied up subconscious beliefs about love, about myself and about men. So…you have your own muddied up subconscious that drives you to find guys that are unavailable, because you basically don’t feel safe to do anything otherwise. What you wrote here: “I think I am also afraid of what would happen if I seriously started dating a single guy – what if he’s not the right one and i end up wasting time and emotions?” This statement is a strong clue about beliefs and fears you are carrying around with you. Truth is, there is no one “right one.” There are many “right ones.” I’ve fallen in love a handful of times over my life. I’m in my mid 40s and single. I LOVE my life. I don’t mind a bit still being single. My life is so full of great people, great activities, I’m learning and growing a lot and I feel very complete. Whenever a guy shows up that actually inspires me to want to have a long term experience with, it will be because he ADDS TO my life – not because he fills any holes I feel. That’s the recipe for success. Does it guarantee longevity or “forever?” Nope…nothing guarantees that. Love is a risk any which way you look at it. It’s just the reality. It’s scary, it’s unpredictable and it’s so darn powerful and beautiful and it can transform you if you let it. Even though it is a risk and scary, it’s about trusting yourself that you are resilient. You can handle it if something doesn’t work out. You can handle it if a relationship falls apart. You can handle when your boyfriend hurts you. All that pain you are so scared of, actually offers you many moments to get to know yourself, get to know the wounds you carry and get to develop a skill set that helps you process the pain. That’s if you want to grow and learn from the lessons life brings you.Maybe I’m so desperate for affection that I’m even ok with a sex-only “relationship”. YEP! You are spot on about this!
I think about how I have “descended” to this, when in the past I used to stay strictly away from married and attached guys – but somehow I am numb – maybe the cynicism has taken over. Numbness is a sign of you protecting your heart from feeling everything that you carry. It’s a more extreme version of emotional survival. By the time someone gets to numbness, they have been through soooooo much in their lives, that their emotional system has to “shut down.” It’s a HUGE RED FLAG! You don’t want to be numb about anything! You need to fight for yourself and work on releasing all that you are carrying inside and healing the wounds that brought you here in the first place – if you ever want a chance at having a healthy relationship. As long as you stay numb, as long as you keep going for guys that are unavailable and not caring about your own heart and not caring about how your choices are affecting other people, you will spend many more years feeling lonely and numb and never attract the kind of experience you truly want with a man.
I’ve said a lot and there is so much more to say. Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
Thanks for sharing more information. If you want a committed relationship with him, that means you need to behave in a way that supports the kind of relationship you want with him. Committed relationships have a higher form of communication. It’s deeper and it’s more connective. So this is the perfect time to really test this out. You get to learn about him and who he is when you ask him questions like this. If you do not feel safe just saying and being yourself, then I wonder why you want a committed relationship with a guy you don’t feel safe to be honest with.
Face your fears and talk to him about it and find out what you guys are made of. If you lose him over this, then it’s good information to have about him. If you guys get through this, then it will only bring you closer. But by doing NOTHING and suffering inside all by yourself, you get nowhere.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m so sorry. It IS exhausting! The way the relationship is set up is – you don’t get to exist. His PTSD is running the entire relationship. It causes you to stay silent and it causes you to constantly betray your voice, your feelings and needs. The thing is…he gets to be that way. It’s your choice to participate in this design and it’s not a surprise considering you grew up that way. Staying silent is a pattern you are used to, so you ended up accepting and receiving a guy who matches that pattern for you. It’s safe, if you really think about it. If you stay silent, there is hardly any contradiction or confrontation. You ignore your needs and just let him exist and run the show. This is safe and allows you to just sit in the background and be anonymous…which is how you learned to survive as a child.
I’m so glad you are sharing all of this! If you are ready to change this pattern of yours, it means saying goodbye to living this way and it means saying goodbye to this guy as he will not be able to support you…he only knows how to support himself.
Heidi
Hi Vino!
I love the “feeling cherished” part you came across. You explained it soooo well! “a Knowing so deep, that the little things that flare up and get us annoyed at each other, drop into that Knowing and fizzle out – like dropping matches into an ocean.” What a beautiful analogy! Imagine treating yourself this way! All the limiting beliefs and judgments are so small and insignificant compared to the VAST love you have for yourself.
Let’s talk about what you said before: “I know that i cannot have a casual relationship with him.” “So…. it’s a very good thing that we’re going slow! Phone calls were a good addition – it’s an easy thing to step back from… and it’s also an easy thing to add to – by frequency or kind of topics, etc etc.” The thing is Vino, the “actions” may be slow, but your heart is not slow at all. I don’t know about JB, but I do know women, in general, tend to REALLY latch on and offer their hearts to a man without requiring much more than attention and connection. Truth is, if he were to ghost you and “break up” and end all connection, you would be devastated. There would be NOTHING easy about you taking a step back. You would have a flood of hurt emotions and you would need to deal with everything that comes with a normal break up. Truth is, JB occupies your mind A LOT. Truth is, he is a very powerful and influential person in your life and you are very connected to him. You put all your eggs in HIS basket. AND…you have never even met him and who knows when you will. His slow pace has nothing to do with you. His slow pace has everything to do with HIM. Again…red flags here. My educated guess is he is full of some kind of fear that would prevent him from meeting you in person…or anyone for that matter. Who knows what that fear is, but what it does tell you, is that fear is dominating and controlling his life in a BIG way. And that’s okay! The fear is not the actual red flag. It’s how he deals with is, that makes it a red flag and you never truly know that about someone until you are in relationship with them and see how they function in their life. The little we do know is that the fear is pretty big and strong enough that he has built a fortress around his heart – which essentially makes him quite unavailable emotionally in many, many ways. You haven’t even begun to experience the full impact of how he protects himself. But that’s okay Vino. I get that you are still learning from him. I get that he is offering enough at this point and he is enough for you and where you are at right now. Every path has a purpose. Every path has gifts and lesson. Every path has consequences. Every path brings you closer to expansions if you choose to let it.
“There’s also a lot more control when you’re writing to each other, because you can take your time with a response, and delete all the things that don’t sound right. But when you’re talking… you can’t delete anything anymore or even think things through for a few hours before responding. So… there’s less control… more anxiety.” I get 100% of what you are saying here. It is easier to write. There is more control. Reality is though, it’s not a real relationship. Real relationships are in person and dealing with each other’s limitations and working through them IN PERSON. The safety you feel with JB is somewhat based in fantasy and an illusion about how you guys connect and interact. The interactions you are having with him may very well not translate into real person experiences. Or it may! Who know…you won’t know untol he is willing to meet you.
My intention is not to put a negative spin on JB. Again…I LOVE everything you are doing and learning right now and JB is definitely a part of that process. These are just some things to think about and be aware of, as it helps you get to know yourself, start to understand your deep subconscious and how it influences what you choose in your life and most of all, it helps you be more loving and compassionate with yourself – which is the beautiful journey you are on.
Heidi
