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Hi Sade,
Welcome!
Of course you are confused and dumbfounded! It’s frustrating and hurtful isn’t it??
I just have a few questions.
1. Has he ever had a girlfriend? Do you know about his past and how his relationships were?
2. How did you ask him? Did you guys talk about it in person or over text?
3. Are you initiating any conversations right now or just waiting for him to reach out?My guess is, he just doesn’t want a relationship. He was enjoying the friends with benefits mentality, as most guys do at his age. Committing and making something serious out of something that is working so well already, can make guys run away in a hot second. Women, we are sooooo much more designed for connection and deep relationships and it runs counter to how a lot of guys feel (especially at his age). It has nothing to do with you, but more the mindset that he is in. He most likely was just having fun and enjoying the friendship and the sex and then you attempted to go deeper – which is not where he is at – so he is running away. Who knows if he will come around. There is a lot happening right now and the stress is exponentially higher on so many levels. It’s affecting every single person on this planet in ways they aren’t even realizing yet.
What are your thoughts about what I’ve said?
Heidi
Hey there!
Okay…so you are still heading down the same track of “I want a man who….” “He will….” I’ve never had to teach this over the computer, so bear with me. It’s so much easier in person as there are so many layers / perceptions that I am able to help someone through, right in the moment, that helps bring clarity and depth to their non-negotiables.
For example, in your first paragraph, you say “I like a man to be good at math and strategy to succeed in his career.” So are you telling me that if a guy is not good at math and is on the more illiterate side of technology, that it’s a deal-breaker for you? Meaning, if a guy has all these amazing and wonderful qualities that make you feel your very best self, if he is not good at math, the computer or phone, you wouldn’t date him?
“He is smart enough not to sleep around with many women without proper protection or get taken advantage of by gold diggers. He is smart enough to pick his battles and good at providing win-win solutions in relationships.” This has nothing to do with intelligence. For example, being the health and exercise expert I am, most people assume I follow what I know 100%. People would be amazed at how many “trainer” break rooms I have been in where they are hoovering cakes, cookies and doing EVERYTHING we tell our clients not to do. Why? That’s a layered and unique story for each and every person. So a lot of what you have written actually has a flavor of judgment. I can see the beliefs you have about what you think a “good” person is or what you believe the “correct” behavior is. A guy who gets fooled by a gold digger just means that he is foolable. We all are. “He doesn’t have to be super intelligent in psychology but has to have common sense to live through life as valuable citizen.” What does this mean? You say in one sentence that you want a guy with high EQ and here you say he doesn’t have to be super intelligent in psychology. What is a valuable citizen? Again…remember we are talking deal breakers here, NOT your wish list.
So I am going to direct you in a completely different direction. I’m going to give you just 1 question to deal with. When you answer, I will work through that particular category and then we will head to the next one. I hope you are okay with that!
So here is my question: How do you imagine having an argument with him? You guy disagree or feelings are hurt, anger is present…how do you see it getting resolved between the 2 of you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Let’s address this question first: “Can men have that type of heart? Could women be the one with the heart and men with the mind? I always wonder about this and want to set the realistic expectations for men.” Absolutely!!! I have been taught by many of them and have met some in person. Again, remember that you want a man that is whole and complete on his own and vice versa, so if you have the heart and he has the mind, that is not a whole person is it? You are designing a relationship that is dependent upon completing each other. One thing you might want to start doing, is listening to men who are the spiritual leaders in our world. There are MANY men who are out there, teaching empowerment, spirituality, growth, involvement, EQ etc. Finding male leaders and teachers is a great thing! Look for podcasts, youtube videos, ted talks, books etc. where men are talking about the kind of subjects you are interested in. It helps you know what you do and don’t respond to, what qualities you are attracted to and not attracted to and all of that will help you begin to believe and KNOW what is possible to find in a man. Make sense?
Okay….let’s address your list a little more.
You are still thinking about qualities you are “attracted” to and coming from that mindset, although you are getting closer! I love your persistence with this and I love working with you through this.
Let’s talk about intelligence. For example, depending on what school of thought you want to go by, there are many forms of intelligence. I go by the school of thought that there are 7 different types of intelligence. So…with that being said, what type of intelligence can you NOT live without? If a guy what not a certain kind of smart, it’s not going to work…ever. Do you know what that is? In your mind, what do you mean by intelligent?
Same thing with sense of humor. There are many different types of humor. I basically just say that must make me laugh. I don’t specify the type of humor because I don’t care. He just needs to be able to make me laugh and he needs to be the kind of guy that also laughs easily.
Does this make sense?Integrity – doing and being aligned with the core of who they are. Their words and actions are aligned with the kind of person they want to be in the world. In my mind, that means he is someone who, even at the expense of others, he will make sure his own needs are met. This means his word is just as valuable to himself as it is to others. This means that he shows up as the same person no matter the people who are standing in front of him. Does this help?
Wise and generous heart are very different things, although they do crossover. Again, wisdom is knowledge in action. I have a very high level of EQ and wisdom, but I am very low in other areas of life. I can’t tell you where the states and countries are. I am horrible at math and would sweat trying to solve word problems. I cannot remember names for the life of me. Many of the main subjects in school were very hard for me. However, my interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence is very high, my body intelligence is very high, my spatial intelligence is very high. So….what kind of wisdom can you not live without??? I imagine you are talking about an emotional / spiritual / psychological type of wisdom.
Remember…what is it that you cannot live without? When you speak of a generous heart, what kind of generosity can you not live without? There are people who are generous with money, but not with their time. There are people who are generous with their time and connections with other, but super controlling with money.
Keep working on this!!!
Heidi
Hi Viktoria,
Just to make sure I understand correctly, you both are still married, yes?
I’m a little confused in the sense that you are trying to build a brand new relationship when you are not available for that, so maybe if you add a little more detail as to your thoughts about how that can happen and what you are imagining. He also is still married. Were you thinking he was going to leave his wife?
The foundational logistics of all of this make your situation, in and of itself, incredibly challenging and pretty impossible. Anyone trying to attempt to have 2 serious relationships is crazy to think they won’t break at some point, if there is not an agreement of being polyamorous. Is he cheating? Are you cheating?
I would suggest to be more concerned about the foundation you are trying to build a relationship from vs. whether or not you are going to lose him. Building relationships and love that are built on lies will never last anyways.
So help us understand better what you are thinking, because it seems you are trying to save a sinking ship that has holes in it everywhere – it’s supposed to sink – it’s not saveable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay great!
Do you feel comfortable about how to approach this in your own way? Meaning, you obviously don’t need to use our words, but you want to stay connected to the concept and express it in your personality.
Let us know when you guys talk and how it goes!!!
Heidi
So…get more specific. That’s a very general way of saying it and he could interpret that many different ways and it’s not really addressing specifically the new pattern you are wanting to know about.
Here might be something you want to try where it’s even more direct and honoring what you are really feeling.
“So I’ve noticed the past few weeks you have started to call me your friend and you didn’t do that before. It makes me wonder if there is a shift happening for you and if you are having some thoughts about you and me that maybe you want to talk about. I’m curious if you are willing to share.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Okay…well this could be a REALLY good time to learn some skills about how to talk to a man in a way that keeps him open to what you are saying vs. closing him down. Men and women think sooooo differently, especially when it comes to love and relationships. It’s important to learn how to communicate our feelings in a way that honors that and keep communication open and pleasurable…hopefully. Communication is usually the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce. It’s quite the skill and one worth learning and practicing. So this is a great opportunity for you to learn how to use your voice AND create a conversation that can be more successful.
Are you willing to learn? If yes, start with writing out what you want to say to him and then we can coach you through that.
Heidi
Hey there,
First, you CAN heal. Your resilience is not gone. It’s still there and you are figuring out ways to deal with it. Sometime though, it takes a little longer because our trigger is deeper and more intense. That’s all that is happening here. I have had 1 boyfriend who did that to me. Most of the time, my breakups were okay and I could deal. This 1 in particular dropped me to my knees. I was soooo depressed for a few weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything except show up to work. He worked with me too, so that meant I would burst out crying in my office many times as I saw him walk by. The funny thing is, the breakup was very necessary, very healthy, a smart thing to do and quite peaceful actually. It was just time and there was not a single bad thing about it. It took me a good 2-3 years to release all the energy about him. I would still check his Facebook and get hurt as I saw him posting pics of other girls. I didn’t want him back, but I still hurt from the loss of him. He got in deep, even though I KNEW from the very first moment there was going to be an ending at some point. He was NOT my long term person he was just a stepping stone and an experience I wanted to have. Little did I know how deep he got until we broke up. The thing is, it was such a deep trigger to lose him because of all the wounds that got activated by the loss of him. The loss of this guy is reflecting back to you all the emotions and feelings you have buried and never dealt with. Of course, losing connection in and of itself is hard enough, but then add all the other emotions you have carried since birth into the mix and you get a HUGE, GIANT reaction that feels unmanageable. In a way, this is good for you. Your hurt, the pain, the loss is a gift. He just happened to push the right button to trigger all of this unrest in you. This is not about him. This is about you. You can choose to face it, embrace it, work with it – or bury it back up again continue to design your life the way you have been doing. Your life is your design.
“I know that I’m done being single and would really like to have a steady partner. But not just anyone – someone I can connect with and have deep feelings for and who has the same for me.” This is coming from a place of woundedness. This is a sign of wounded type thinking. Whenever you feel you are not okay without something or that you need something in order to feel happy in your life, you are talking from your wounds and NOT clarity, truth or wisdom. I can be 100% comfortable being single at my age, because I know now how to be fulfilled without a man. I, of course, still desire to be with a man, but having him does not define my level of happiness. You have been feeling lonely for awhile, so you ended up finding someone to fill up that space FOR you. Now he is gone and you are back to wanting a man again. You will only keep repeating this pattern over and over and over again. And even if you DO find a guy who you love and connect with and reciprocates the feelings, it still won’t change the feelings of loneliness you carry inside – most likely connected to the abandonment issues you mentioned as a child. You CANNOT fix how you feel inside by using outside sources – other people, money, sex, love, exercise, food, partying, working, career etc. An emotionally healthy person uses these things as additions to their life that just ADD to the happiness they already feel inside. They don’t use these things to complete them or use them as a source for their happiness. Does this make sense?
“As for sex-only, I do see some online “coaches” out there who advocate for women to have a healthy sex life, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship. I don’t know how much to believe in this. What are your thoughts?” There are a million thoughts I have about this, but the main one is, no one can say what is right for another. There is some truth to this way of living and there are a lot of reasons why living that way is not healthy. It just depends on the person, the reasons why they live that way and their own personal relationship/beliefs they carry about their body and their sexuality. It’s a touchy subject though and that deserves EXTENSIVE self reflection and consideration so you don’t end up harming yourself or others in ways you are not connected to.
Heidi
Ha! You are getting it!
Desires and wounds are soooooo inter-connected. Even as skilled as I am, I sometimes cannot tell the difference between the 2 and need time for the truth to be revealed.
Let me explain it this way. Imagine you are in a car. You have 2 drivers. The car itself represents the desire of wanting to “belong” to a man. 1 driver carries the truth/clarity/wisdom. 1 driver carries the lies/fears/limiting beliefs that exist from all your wounds. The car (the desire) carries BOTH drivers all the time. Which one is driving, is the one in control of the desire and who influences the direction of that car. So your desire to belong to a man has been controlled by the wounded driver more than the driver holding the truth.
For example, I do have a desire to be with a man and have an expansive, powerful and limitless experience with a man. In this moment, my desire is clear. I can tell because I am not looking, I am peaceful, I am 100% fulfilled and satisfied with my life right now. My desire for a man is there, but is not in control with how I live my life or even how I feel about my life. I have 100% trust that I will meet him when the timing is good for both of us. I have a feeling it will be this year (sometime by November). We shall see :). My desire sits in my heart in a very centered and grounded way. I am peaceful about it, I do not believe I NEED it. It’s a very peaceful desire. When I have not been peaceful before, I will “crave” wanting to meet a man. I will think about it a lot. I will take specific actions. I will flirt more. I will feel less happy and content about my life. THEN I know my wounded self is driving the car. Desires don’t need to be healed. What needs to be healed is the wounded driver, so the driver holding the truth and the wisdom is always the one driving the car. When this happens, many many times, the desires will change. Does this help at all??
I also COMPLETELY get your realization about your class and how it helped you process your feelings. Being an athlete, I knew this a long time ago. Soccer was my sport and part of why I loved it so much was because of the relief is brought me from my life. Many times I just felt better after practice or after a game. It’s a brain break! You get so focused on what you are doing, that nothing else exists and this gives your brain a “rest” and it creates a pathway for your emotions to be channeled through physical movement. With my personal training clients, I do this all the time. When they come in with elevated emotions, I design specific workouts to create that channel of emotional release without them realizing what I am helping them do. It works every time! I LOVE that you discovered this!
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Well done! You are becoming more and more clear!
There are several ways to approach this, but it’s hard to say, because I don’t know him. When you say you are afraid of retaliation, what does that mean to you? Other than being verbally abusive and critical, has he ever harmed you? Has he ever harmed anyone? Have you seen him retaliate before?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! Gosh, I totally know how you feel. I have always been very proud of my ability to be somewhat of a minimalist. I do not keep things I do not use. However, I am ALWAYS shocked each time I move, with how much stuff I have. It amazes me! It can be overwhelming. The best part about moving, is it is such a great time for releasing stuff. People naturally become more ready to release things and they clear the clutter. Moving is a lot to deal with! There is always so much to do and it’s nonstop. Even being an expert mover, having several systems of flow in place and being crazy organized, I still get overwhelmed and exhausted. One day at a time. One breath at a time. One pizza at a time ;).
Work and ethics and the social / cultural politics of it all are a tough subject. So many different experiences and opinions, it’s impossible to please everyone. I love you sharing what is happening in your company. Vent all you want. No judgments here…just listening ears. I believe the drama, the upheaval, the unrest is good though. It means your company, along with people around the world, are questioning, restructuring and knowing that something new needs to come out of this and that the “old” ways are no longer acceptable. I love this! It’s uncomfortable for sure. It’s confusing and hard to figure out the path and how to best serve your business. At the very least, I’m glad your company is exploring this. Hopefully the end result and the path they choose will be one that supports everyone in the very best ways!
I hope you get to see your guy soon!
Heidi
Yes! That is EQ. But further than EQ is someone who has the skillset and natural desire to heal. EQ is more about the mind. Healing is about the heart. So I can be VERY smart and know all about my issues and blocks, but that is just the first step. Healing is deeper. When people go for healing, they also dramatically increase their EQ as they learn more about themselves. This is what I teach as the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Most people can “know” and learn about themselves by reading books and talking to people. Putting that knowledge into action is when it becomes wisdom. Wisdom can only be attained through healing – meaning NO emotional reaction to a trigger. Here is an example…I can teach you the famous chocolate chip cookie recipe I have. You can memorize it, you can imagine how it tastes, you can teach others the recipe. You have the knowledge, but you don’t TRULY know the depths of the amazingness of that cookie until you taste it and experience it. That’s when it becomes wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge in action. There are plenty of people who can talk wisdom. It’s VERY easy to get fooled by them. They say all the right things, they know A LOT, but then when you see them in their life, that knowledge doesn’t align with their actions. That’s when you know that they have not taken the path to BECOME that knowledge. They haven’t done deeper healing work. Another example: When I was in my 20s, I remember a moment where I was stood up on a date. That NEVER happened to me and I was shocked. I got so upset and went to my neighbor’s house and we ate ice cream and bashed on guys all night. It bothered me for an entire week and then I buried it. I KNEW the truth of the situation that him standing me up was not about me, but him. But I wasn’t able to feel that way. What I felt was rejected, lame, foolish, not enough. So what I knew and what I felt were NOT aligned. Since then, I have done so much healing work that if I were stood up today, my ego would have something to say about that, I would feel rejected, but I also would quickly be able to align the truth with my feelings, because I have waaaaay less baggage that I am carrying. Does this make sense?
Let’s continue talking about true love. I’m not sure I believe in unconditional love in the traditional sense. I’ve been exploring this topic quite a bit actually and am not 100% clear. Truth is, you could be married and love your husband, but one day he hits you. One day he become verbally abusive. One day he cheats and blames you for all his problems. People tend to think that unconditional love means unconditional acceptance. The moment that loving someone else happens at the expense of your well being and self-love, it no longer is truly love. So you can unconditionally love someone and NOT be with them, because you do not unconditionally accept their behaviors.
Thoughts??
Heidi
Wow! That is soooo fascinating about the scammer! Holy smokes! Well done for figuring that out so quickly. I hope you do find a way of busting him. I wonder what he was trying to “get” from you. What is he getting out of connecting with women in this way?
I wanted to briefly touch on the true love definition you mentioned previously. “true love is when you give a person the power to destroy you (they know all your truths- the good, the bad, the ugly) to destroy you but you know 100% that they won’t use that power.” I’ve thought about this and there is an aspect that I think I don’t align with. It’s the part about believing they won’t use that power. I think people are just human. I know that when pain shows up, people become capable of anything. I’m someone who is HIGHLY aware of who I am, yet I have had moments of doing things fully and completely out of my integrity because just the right mixture of emotions were present. I have learned that every single person is capable of anything. So I guess it’s an illusion on some level to me, to believe someone won’t hurt you and use that power against you just because of they “truly” love you.
Thoughts on this? What else do you resonate with about what true love is?
Heidi
What Kanya is saying about radical trust is that you have 100% trust that “everything is as it should be” ALWAYS. It’s trusting that every situation, whether we term it good or bad, is here to help us understand ourselves on a deeper level. If regret shows up, that is a sign of unprocessed feelings you have NOT a sign that you should have made a different decision. Like Kanya said – regret IS a choice. Again, we get to choose the story we put on each situation. If you choose to put the story of regret on a situation and not deal with underlying emotions around it, then you will create suffering for yourself. If you want to choose a story where you 100% TRUST that each day, each moment and each experience is here to teach you and help you know yourself better, then regret is just a teacher, NOT the truth and NOT an emotion to make any kind of decision from.
Thoughts?
Heidi
