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Hi Dalia,
Oh man!!! That must have come as a shock to you!!! I’m soooo glad you finally approached the subject!! Think about it…you are seriously dodging a bullet on this one! YOU were the one that had to bring it up for him to be honest. He didn’t have enough strength to be authentic and honest with you when his feelings shifted. He is a CHICKEN!!! You don’t want a guy like that holding onto your heart. It’s not safe. Honest communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. He showed you that he doesn’t have the strength to be honest himself and that he needed YOU to bring it up. Yuk! It would have turned into a seriously high maintenance relationship for you!
That being said, it doesn’t change that it hurts and that you were surprised by it. You invested in him and he didn’t follow through. It’s gonna sting for a little bit. What kinds of things can you do for yourself right now that are nurturing and supportive of your broken heart? What can you do to increase the laughter? The comfort? The joy? The pleasure? Every day, you need to be filling yourself up with things that nourish your heart. What’s your plan?
Heidi
Hi Nadine,
It’s good to know you are working on your insecurities! It’s a forever process isn’t it?? This has been a good opportunity for you to discover where there are still some unresolved issues still hanging out.
As far as your text to him, I would again suggest to stay away from your feelings about him, your situation and what you want. Your message is not the type of message that most guys respond to. Let’s break this down a bit:
“Looking back at our experinces together, I ended up really looking at my part in it and I would love to share with you how I believe I understand fully why you walked away and how you were taking care of your needs.” Guys naturally don’t want to sit down with a girl they just broke up with so she can share with him her experiences. It’s a gushy, possibly complicated conversation where he will imagine she is going to share ALL her feelings and hope that he joins her. This is just not how most guys are built.
“I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and our connection and I would like to find out where what we started can take us. You enrich my life in so many ways and I would love a fresh start between us, taking things slow. I have many more adventures for us in mind 😉 I am excited to hear your thoughts on that.” Again…guys typically don’t find it enjoyable to talk about the relationship. In this paragraph you are talking about getting back together and starting up a relationship again and wanting to talk about it. This approach doesn’t inspire a guy to want to connect. If anything, it will push him away. Remember, guys like to chase. Guys respond to a woman who is internally strong. He has an impression about you that you are needy. This message has a bit of that flavor to it with wanting to talk all about your feelings and his feelings and everybody’s feelings. Guys interpret that as needy and too emotional for them.
Your first step is to just make contact, not ask for anything from him and show your inner strength.
So here may be another text you like instead.
“Hey…it was nice running into you the other day. I know it was a bit awkward since we just broke up. It’s okay though. I’m all good and wanted to you to know that I have nothing but good thoughts and appreciation for you. I learned a lot about myself being with you – and still learning! It’s good for me. Anyways, if you are ever up to grab a coffee or something at some point, I’m game! Otherwise, know I am always sending you good vibes. Take care.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Britanny,
Have you met any of his friends? What are they like? Has he had any recent challenges with his job? Do you suspect at all that he met someone else?
Usually when there is a sudden shift like that, something has happened that you most likely don’t know about. Men tend to get super spooked when something goes wrong with their jobs or they are facing something pretty big they don’t feel ready for. Getting married and having a child that is unexpected is a HUUUUUGE deal. How old are you guys?
Is there a plan that has been talked about where he is going to move out? At this point, what are the next steps you guys have planned for now that you are broken up?
Heidi
Hi Sandeep,
It sounds like you feel that her being an extrovert means she is maybe more fun for him than you are? I also am an introvert and let me tell ya…being an introvert is a very powerful thing! What’s most important, more than anything, is that your partner VALUES everything about you. Your partner should appreciate and love that you are introverted. He should value your honesty, your authenticity and he should absolutely have NO hesitations whatsoever, that you are a good match for him.
For whatever reason, this guy doesn’t feel this way. So my question is, what makes you want to fight for a guy who doesn’t see you like a sparkling diamond that he wants to treasure and value and take care of with everything he’s got?
Do you feel that you are possessive? Can you see why he might be feeling that way?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
I would like to encourage you to make a different kind of list. Instead of looking at the outcomes, it’s much more powerful and clear if you look at the kind of person you are choosing. Outcomes are unpredictable and there is no way you could even predict all the possibilities.
What is MOST important is that when you are deciding whether or not to let someone deeply into your heart, your life, your essence, you have to really look at their character, both positive and negative and see how they size up to being the kind of person/partner/boyfriend that suits you BEST. It means looking at their very best and very worst qualities and KNOWING you could respect, love and value all of it. It’s being able to look at the WHOLE person and accept them exactly as they are and not needing them to change, in any way, shape or form and you would feel completely nourished, cherished and valued.
So, I think one of your biggest challenges with this guy is you barely know him. You don’t know his TRUE character. You live far apart from each other, have only been dating for 7 months of which 4 of those months he was gone. It doesn’t sound like you have even met in person…and you are already considering him to be the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? AND you are only 21. With just those factors alone, I want to encourage you to slow down your thinking about this guy. Putting your life on hold for a guy who is across the country, not really responding much and in a phase where he is trying to figure out his life after coming home – and hoping that he will change at some point – what advice would you give your girlfriend??
Keep being friends with him, but I would also encourage you to keep the door open to other possibilities. I know he made you feel pretty special and it makes you want to hold onto him and wait for him. That is such a SMALL aspect of who he is. Build a friendship to get to know him, if he is willing and keep dating around. Keep your options open. What’s the rush to be in a long term relationship anyways? You are so young and have sooooo many experiences waiting for you. Marriage is not something you want to rush into. Now is the time where you need to be exploring who the heck you are in your very brand new phase of adulthood. I spent my 20s dating all different kinds of guys from different cultures, sizes and shapes, different interests etc. I always encourage people to do that BEFORE they settle down, so they really get a sense of who they are in front of all different kinds of people. Falling in love is spectacular for sure and I get your desire to have that experience. It’s not going to be with this guy anytime soon. So why not open the door back up to other possibilities? You can still keep the door open for him, but you are also not putting your life on hold for him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
So it sounds like you are guys are agreeing to just be friends, yes? Do you live in the same area or has this been long distance the whole time?
How are you feeling about your choice to end things? It sounds like it was quite amicable, which is nice. What are your thoughts about the next steps? Are you hoping to get back together? Or are you okay with letting him go as your future “person?”
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so glad you finally cleaned out your tub! Hopefully you enjoyed a nice soak in it and will continue to keep it clean so you can keep using it! I love that you are loving your class and discovering new parts of yourself! Well done! You truly are on a path towards expanding your world.
As far as how you can make money in this world, let’s look at that a little bit. One place to start is by really looking at what kinds of environment you thrive in. For example, do you prefer following or leading? Do you prefer being more solo or working with a group of people? Do you have a preference as to being outside or having a lot of windows around or could you be in a Wearhouse and be totally good with that? Do you like having projects or do you like to work on your own timeline? Do you feel like you need or desire to help people directly or are you okay indirectly? How would you like to spend your day? Do you prefer to start work early and end early so you can play the rest of the night or vice versa? Would you prefer to make your own schedule or follow a schedule? How much variety do you require? How much money do you want to bring in? Lastly, what do you believe you brought to your last job, that a high schooler would not be able to offer. What qualities do you feel set you apart? Basically, these are all questions to help you connect to how you want to feel in your day. For me, I HAVE to make my own schedule and be my own boss. I am an entrepreneur. I need the freedom to design my day exactly the way that I want. I need variety, I need connection to the outdoors and I like to work the first half of my day and play the second half. Hopefully this gives you a little direction to start with…then we can dig deeper into the “how.”
As far as taking away JB’s freedom, that’s impossible. Don’t even give it a second thought. If he feels his freedom is being taken away, that is HIS responsibility to deal with, not yours. You just keep the focus on yourself, your healing and just being who you are. If he wants to define being in a relationship as his freedoms being taken away, then he gets to believe that and he can stay single. In a healthy relationship, freedom is expanded, not contracted. If it’s contracted, it’s a sign of things being out of balance and needs to be addressed and worked through. So again, don’t worry about his experience. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can ask for what he needs. If he doesn’t, then that is information you need to know about him, isn’t it?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Wow…I really commend you for standing up for yourself and then disconnecting. Well done!!! I know it’s not easy. There are a lot of layers when it comes to breaking off from someone you really invested in. I’m so glad you are seeing all the gifts, lessons learned and having good hindsight about the red flags you chose to ignore. You will definitely be much more cautious next time…AND it doesn’t change the grief and hurt you have to go through. This video is quite informative and may also give you some insight into yourself. Hope it helps 🙂
Heidi
Hi Kim,
You are asking some great questions!
First, YOU have to get into alignment with yourself. He doesn’t matter. He already told you that he is not ready for something serious. You keep wanting to put the responsibility on him to design your interactions and how things go – which is essentially giving him your power. What’s MOST important is for you to align with what you need right now and then talk with him about what that design would look like. He will either join you or fall away.
I know this is risky, as you deeply WANT this guy to turn out to be something more for you. Reality is though, YOU have to love yourself first and foremost before this can turn into anything that is healthy and long term. He also has his own crap to deal with. You BOTH need some time to figure yourselves out on a deeper level. So…what do YOU want???
Like Kanya has been trying to lead you into, is your actions and your what you want are NOT in alignment. That is not the energy you want to be leading with. We cannot tell you what to do, but we can help you understand yourself on a deeper level so you have more clarity about your choice.
What you DO know is that you feel a deeper connection with this guy. He is not ready for something serious. You feel like you want to connect with him in a more serious way – however you are discovering more of your insecurities and neediness that needs to be addressed. Just that information, in and of itself, gives you plenty of clues about what your next best steps are – if you want to do this in a healthy way. Truth is, he is not available for what you want to design with him – will he ever be? Who knows. Are you going to wait and find out? If yes, how long are you going to wait around for? Are you willing to put your life on hold for him…a guy you barely know?
So…regardless, I think that no matter what you decide to do, what needs to happen is you connecting to your insecurities and neediness that are still very present in your life. When you clear those, heal those and release the energies of the traumas and rejections, you will become sooooo much more clear about your next steps.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
Welcome to the forum! You have some great questions and concerns. Let’s see if we can break this down a little more.
First, I want to really encourage you to slow things down in your mind about this guy. You want to love him, but truth is, you barely know him. You don’t know what he is like when he is angry. You don’t know what he is like when is really scared of something. You don’t know how he handles stress. You don’t really know the kind of communicator he is. You don’t know that his lifestyle is the kind of lifestyle you respect and love on all the levels. You don’t know how he will handle it when you cry or come to him with your stresses and problems.
All of that takes quite a bit of time to unravel. I get that he is afraid of a relationship and I’m glad he honored his feelings of slowing down and that you are honoring his needs as well. What’s YOUR need to be in a relationship with him? What’s the rush?
It’s also important to honor where you feel comfortable as well. If you only want to have sex WITHIN the contracts of a relationship, then you need to honor that and set that boundary with him. Maybe you feel okay about having sex as long as he is not having sex with other women. It doesn’t mean dating other people is off the table, it just means you both agree to no sex with other people and you both agree you are still getting to know each other and are not at the committed relationship phase yet. So what do YOU want and need?
Heidi
oops! Totally forgot to post the link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/
First and foremost, to be respectful in an argument means the person is kind and respectful to themselves first and then they naturally treat others that way. So that means they listen well and they have a curiosity about the situation and their partner’s experience and their own experience of what is happening. They are interested in staying connected with their partner MORE than their need to be right. There’s no name-calling or criticizing or use of harmful words. So with that being the foundation, arguments can take many shapes and that’s okay. Does this help?
Okay – glad you get the tech savvy part. So let’s talk a little more about your statement: resourceful enough to create his own independence to function as a responsible man. What is a “responsible man” to you? What does it mean to create his own independence?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Yes, your feelings are childish because it literally is child energy that is feeling what you are feeling. HOWEVER, never ever discount them as being silly, stupid or insignificant. ALL your feelings matter and have a purpose. You dismissing them and making fun of yourself is your adult side not understanding the core, root reason for what you are feeling. People don’t feel things just because. People feel things ALWAYS because it is connected to a memory and a story about that memory from some other time and it’s just stored in the subconscious. So every feeling we have is a clue and a link to the subconscious. I guarantee you, if you were to really sit with yourself and what you are feeling, you would find that there are valid reasons for your feelings. Whether you take that path or not, I want to encourage you NOT to dismiss them and make fun of yourself. All that does is bury them again and they will just re-appear for a later time. Instead, talk to that side of yourself. Journal about it, let that side have a voice and let that side matter. Treat your feelings with the utmost kindness, compassion and respect as every little feeling matters…ALWAYS! How you are handling your feelings is with judgment.
I totally get how you the old you is wanting to pop back in. It takes MANY hundreds of repetitions for old patterns to go silent and the new ways of thinking to become dominant. I love that you connected to a brand new fear. Most of us are so conditioned to have fear when things are going so well. We don’t trust how well things are going – especially when it comes to relationships and love. Keep working yourself through it. Every time this thought comes forward, say to yourself “I’m okay right now. Things are really peaceful right and that’s okay. I have permission to feel peaceful in a relationship. It’s safe to feel peaceful in a relationship etc.”
And…even though there isn’t much communication at the moment, why not send him a quick message like “Hey…just wanted you to know I’m smiling right now as I was thinking about you. Looking forward to Saturday :)”
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I get it. It’s so hard when we feel our person start to pull away and not connect as much. It’s pretty normal to wonder if they miss us, how much we actually matter to them and us ladies tend to think a lot, “Well…if he REALLY cared, or if he REAllY missed me, he would….”
Of course, part of that statement is true, but it’s also not true. He is having a completely different experience where he is at and having a very different story than you do about the level of interaction you guys are having right now. That’s why a conversation is worth having, at some point. Until then, it’s a great opportunity for you to connect with the part of yourself that is feeling frustrated. If you really allowed yourself to feel that frustration, I imagine you would connect even deeper to a part of yourself feeling sad and alone and not fought for and not chosen. Spend some time with her! Love her! Validate her!!! Do the work on yourself that you know how to do. I know you are only feeling it a few times a day, but I imagine it’s bigger than you think. You have so much going on right now, that you are quite distracted. So that little girl part of you is popping up a few times a day to let you know she needs some of your attention. It’d be wise to pay attention, otherwise it will just compound and become bigger and bigger.
Heidi
Okay great! So let’s talk about this computer and tech-savvy thing. First, it’s important to realize that your experiences with tech-savvy limited men were with men you didn’t feel safe within general, correct? Second, your irritation is a form of judgment, which is about YOU, not them. Third, to believe that a guy who is not tech-savvy is not as much fun, is a false belief. It just exposes a “program” you have running in your mind. So this belief you have going on is not really connected to truth.
Here is a scenario for you. What if you met a guy who was an internationally known speaker. He taught people how to know themselves deeper and to improve self-love and he was very good at it. People love him! He is a dynamic speaker, he is connective, his information helps peoples’ lives and he is very successful. He sucks at computers though, so he just hires people to do that part of it for him. Working with computers is not one of his best areas of intelligence, but he is high in other areas. It’s just how he was born. But he loves, values and cherishes you deeply. He is successful, he is powerful and he makes you feel your most expansive self and vice versa. Are you going to tell me that you would pass up this guy, because he wasn’t tech savvy?
Okay, about how you guys “argue.” You are nice to give 2 days! I’m all about resolving things quickly, but of course there are just some things that need to be discussed over a period of time. Issues get resolved so much faster the deeper someone knows themselves and the better they are at working with their reactions. The bottom line is, even in the worst moments, no matter how they show up, respect and kindness need to be a the core of how you treat each other. The foundation is safety. You want to feel safe and for them to feel safe with you as you argue. MOST IMPORTANT!!! So how you portrayed this arguing was great! Here are some great blog posts that cover a lot of different topics about conflict. Dive into it a little bit deeper and let me know what you think!
Thank you for referring your friend!!! I hope she joins us!
Heidi
Hi Marina,
Welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here sharing your questions with us. Let’s see what we can do to help.
First and foremost, it is soooooo important to understand yourself, your tendencies and your behaviors through this. Your insecurities really put a lot of pressure on him and I imagine, that as amazing as you are, he may have felt a bit overwhelmed at with your neediness. I say neediness because that is what it feels like to a guy when a girl gets upset if he isn’t as responsive or connective as she would like. Combine that with the stress of the job, it’s a HUGE load to handle, especially for a man. A man’s career is everything to him. They experience their careers very differently than women do. I have found that when a man is not quite settled or peaceful in his career, he is AWFUL in a relationship. ALL his focus is about work, what to do etc. and it consumes him. Being that he is now wanting to focus on starting a new business, I imagine he may feel like he just wants to focus and not be “pulled at” by a woman who is “needing” his attention. This is just an educated guess about what might be happening for him right now.
So it’s important for you to really look at your neediness and your insecurities that showed up for you when he pulled away a little bit. Where did those feelings come from? I imagine this is a pattern of yours in relationship. It sounds like a pattern that originated in childhood. Have you ever really looked at it from that perspective?
I want to encourage you to address this, because it’s not just going to disappear. These exact same insecurities will show up again and again and again until you address them. If you want to fight for him and you want him to feel peaceful and confident with you that you are okay and solid if he isn’t always connecting the way you want, then you need to get to know and work on the insecurities that show up. He won’t want to walk back into the same kind of design. You accused him of breaking your trust and put him in the situation of having to “earn” your trust back, when in reality, he was just honoring what he felt in the moment – and that is a healthy thing. He should have left early if he didn’t feel comfortable and wanted to slow things down. He gets a gold star for his choice! That is the kind of man you want! You want a guy who listens to himself and is willing to take action to support his own needs – even if it hurts your feelings.
Does this make sense?
When you text him next, I would suggest staying away from talking about your feelings. I would stick to creating a new vision for him. For example “Hey there. I just wanted to apologize. Looking back at our experiences together, I ended up really looking at my insecurities. Insecurities really suck, don’t they? 🙂 Anyways, I really connected to how I ended up putting my insecurities in your hands to fix – and that just is not okay. That is not the kind of person I want to be. Those are for me to handle and deal with and not for you. I actually respect that you walked away early on my birthday weekend. You were honoring what your needs were, even though it hurt my feelings at the time. Well done! That takes strength and it just shows me you have good boundaries and you take care of yourself well. I could actually do a lot better in that category for myself, so I am working on that. So again, I just wanted to apologize for my messiness. I miss our friendship so I am still here if you would like to reach out. I would also love to support you through building your new business, so feel free to reach out and bounce ideas off of me. Hope you are well!”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
