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Hi Cindi,
I’m so sorry it’s heading in this direction. Of course you feel awful and of course, this is hard. You can do this though!
What I DO NOT want to see you do, is letting the resentment build up. If you don’t deal with it, you will explode at some point and cause some serious damage. You say you guys would be okay if you continued to communicate, but you are not holding up your end of the bargain. You are hurt and getting more and more frustrated and becoming passive-aggressive and THAT is about you and your choice to not set boundaries or communicate your needs in a way that supports you.
Even when I try to tell him how I’m feeling, he’ll say something like thank you for sharing that with me” without reciprocation, reassurance or telling me how he feels about me, which is odd for him. What feelings are you sharing? Are you asking him how HE is feeling and what HIS experience is as well? One of the BIGGEST mistakes people face when sharing their feelings, is they wait for the other person to make them feel better, care about them, and apologize in some way. What is missing here is YOU saying “This is how I’m feeling and I’m not okay continuing like this. How can we work together better? I know you feel like you are being pulled in a million directions. I can also tell you that if you and I don’t take care of each other during this time, we won’t make it….and I really want to. So how about we talk about how to navigate this better, because I am reaching my breaking point.” And then get VERY SPECIFIC, by giving him examples of what doesn’t work well for you and offer a solution as to what he can do instead to help you. For example, he canceled your date, which of course is frustrating, but would you feel better if he made effort to reschedule it? That would be something to share with him…instead of canceling and leaving you hanging, he needs to have awareness about how that made you feel and then set up another time and MAKE SURE he doesn’t do it again. You can only be canceled on so many times before the trust is completely broken, because he can’t follow through with what he says he is going to do. That is integrity and without integrity, trust and safety cannot exist.
He said he felt terrible for not knowing how to make everything work, but I just didn’t really reciprocate much because he cancelled our date night. I didn’t feel like telling him that I wished k could be there to comfort him like I normally would, because what’s the point? This is the passive-aggressive part that is actually going to shoot you in the foot. All you are thinking about here is about how YOU feel. What about him? When you think about challenges you guys are facing, he is experiencing so much stress trying to keep everyone happy AND feeling like a failure at it…and that includes you. He IS failing at making you happy, but what solutions have you offered to him to HELP HIM HELP YOU? He needs a helping hand. He needs to know that when he becomes less available, that you can pull the best out in him and NOT become one more person he fails to make happy. He knows you are unhappy, that’s clear. What is also clear, is he IS making small attempts and you are keeping the door closed to connecting with him, because you are still upset about him canceling the date. You holding onto this anger and hurt and pulling away your connection, is actually just compounding the issue and NOT helping you get what you want. You need to make a choice to let be connective with him, even when you are hurt. You need to make a choice to fight for yourself WITH him, instead of putting up a wall, waiting for him to fix this with you. You need to honor that this is really tough for him as well and he is doing the very best he can right now AND he also has some learning to do about you. He is not being malicious or abusive or harmful…he is just being overwhelmed. So how can YOU support him as well? It may mean that for the summer, you have to go with the flow more if he needs to cancel your dates. It may mean that you guys find other smaller ways to stay connected for now. For example, there is this great app Marco Polo. They have a free version. It’s a video messaging app. It’s like walkie talkie with someone. You have thoughts, so you record a quick video or voice message. They listen to it when they can and then send a message back. It’s an amazing way to stay connected to busy people. I record and listen to my messages while I’m driving, which helps me a TON, because I am so busy. But in my car, I can send quick messages to my circle of people. Something like this could help you guys.
The only way for this to work is for you to get his attention and speak up and then you BOTH have a very honest conversation about if and how you guys can navigate this. You can say something like in a VERY soft tone…”Listen my love. We need to connect. I’m having a really hard time with how little we are connecting. I know you are being pulled in a million directions and I know you feel overwhelmed. I really would love to sit down and talk about how I can best support you and get a clear picture about what you need from me over the summer and vice versa. It just feels like we are on different pages and the longer we stay there, the more confusion there is. I’d love to get on the same page as you. Is there a time you can set aside for us, uninterrupted?? Maybe we can go somewhere romantic and have some fun together at the same time?” Is it possible to book a hotel? Can you both find sitters, so you guys can make a night of it? Just a thought.
All you can do is make these attempts and hopefully he responds to them. If he doesn’t, then it really is about you deciding what needs to happen FOR YOU. He just may not offer enough for what you need during his busy season and you may decide to let him go. I’d love to see you both compromise here though. It sounds like he is still invested in you.
And Cindi, we are here for you! The moment you are feeling hurt, frustrated, angry or sad, let us know! We are experts for you to bounce your ideas off of, help you through the sticky times, and offer different perspectives. We are an instant resource for you, so use it to help you through this!
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I wanted to check in and see how things are going for you guys. How did your weekend together go? I’m so curious what happened and if you talked with him about your feelings.
Heidi
Hi Marcia,
How is it going? I have no idea when he is visiting, but do you feel more comfortable and clear about how to approach this? Do you have any other questions?
Heidi
Hi Misty,
I wanted to check in and see how your situation is coming along. Do you have any thoughts about what I said? I’d love to help you navigate this.
Heidi
Hi Marcia,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here seeking guidance. You are asking a very good question.
First, there is no way to know what will happen once he arrives. The challenge about long distance relationships is that you only see a snapshot of who they are. You have no idea what their regular habits are, how they treat others, what they are like when they are angry, what their hygiene is like, how they drive….all kinds of details that matter. All you know about him and him and about you, is through conversation only. And even that can be questioned. You never truly know if someone has integrity until you see that their words match their actions. So trying to decide whether or not you should be friends or something romantic, is impossible until you see how you guys navigate being in the same space together.
Be cautious and discerning. 4 days is hardly enough to know someone in person. Trying to develop a deep, meaningful, integrous relationship who you barely see, is a pretty HUGE barrier to overcome. Just wait and see and don’t feel like you have to rush anything. Your heart is sacred and valuable and if you hand it over easily to someone who hasn’t shown you that he can be trusted with something so precious, you are setting yourself up for A LOT of hurt down the road.
One thing to keep in the forefront of your mind is this: relationships break because of how a people show up when they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. I have seen and experienced this countless times over the years where the connection is amazing, until an argument or stress enters into the connection. The dark side of a person gets activated and it ends up being harmful. Someone might be very critical and judgmental, they might put walls up and become unavailable to talk, they might become verbally or physically abusive….you just never know what someone is like when they are hurt, angry, or stressed. How people treat each other during these very challenging times, is what will either support safety and trust, or break it. I always encourage people who are dating, to BE DISCERNING. Just because the connection is incredible when things are good, DOES NOT MEAN the connection will stay healthy when things are bad…so hold onto your heart, DO NOT open the flood gates of your heart until you see how you both handle navigating the challenges that show up.
One thing I suggest is paying SUPER CLOSE attention to how they talk about the hard times in their life. You said he has been through the wringer with loss and heartache. The way you are saying it, makes me think that he may be still carrying a lot of hurt about all of it. If that is true, then that tells you he is someone who doesn’t know how to let go of the past. He isn’t forgiving and released whatever has happened, so that means 2 things….YOU are going to be dealing with all of that baggage he is bringing with him AND when you hurt him, you will be lumped into that BIG ball of pain he is carrying around and he will have some really big reactions to it, because he won’t be able to separate you from the others who have caused him pain. Of course we ALL have baggage from our past, we all have triggers, we all have over-reactions, but it’s HOW we deal with them, that will make or break our connections.
Does this make sense? Does this help give you an idea about how to approach his visit?
Heidi
I also talked to my friend about it yesterday and she was helpful in telling me (also) that my thought process about everything happening was perfectly reasonable considering the path that we’re on, and this conversation, too. I’m going to only sort of agree with this. For a woman, it’s not unreasonable to already be thinking about moving in together and marriage. For a man, not so much. 5 months IS pretty fast for having that kind of conversation. I know you were insinuating “someday” and you weren’t trying to have the actual conversation about it, but even introducing the idea is a bit fast for 5 months. The beauty that men bring to connection, is they help us slow things down…which is a great thing! So make sure that when you have your conversation, you DO NOT talk about moving in together…even down the road. You guys will cross that bridge when you come to it. For right now, the ONLY focus is to learn about him and for him to learn about you. THAT’S IT! No agenda other than that. AND….one thing men really appreciate, is if you tell them what you need in a CLEAR and CONCISE way. For example, a much better response he could have had to your text would have been: “LOL! My mind really isn’t quite there yet, but I’m hoping we will get there at some point. I do love your decorating taste!”
AND…his response would not be unusual for a guy who is REALLY busy. I know you are used to him being one way, but heading into the busy season, focusing on work and being less available is going to be normal for him. When a guy gets focused on work, it is VERY normal for him to have less connective responses…it’s NOT normal for women though. We are sooooo built for relationship and connection that even when we are busy, we are more conscious and connective compared to men.
I just want to make sure I’m keeping connection and communication open even when things are crazy and we can’t talk all the time so that we don’t become so distant that we don’t know how to communicate and be there for each other like we usually do. You know, why don’t you make this the main topic of conversation. Instead of trying to understand his response, what if you just focused on how you guys can navigate his busy season and still have BOTH your needs being met. Communication is going to be important throughout this season, be HE needs to be VERY clear about what will work for you and vice versa.
For example, you could say something like this: “I just wanted to talk about this summer season coming up. I know it’s going to be really busy for you. I am very used to you being more available because we’ve gotten to know each other during your slow season. I know in the summer, you are going to be less available and I completely understand that and want to support that. The last thing I want is to be that “needy” girlfriend who is always wanting attention from you. So I thought we could talk about ways for us to stay connected, even though you are going to be crazy busy.” And then in this conversation, you can bring up his response to your text and how it triggered you, but you do it in a way that is teaching him what doesn’t work well for you.
For example you could say: “When I texted you, your response felt a bit judgmental and disconnected. This triggered me and caused me to shut down and put walls up. I understand this is just going to happen to sometimes, especially when you are really busy. So what will work better for me, is maybe if there is something on a deeper level, talk to me about it in person or text back when you are not busy. What would have worked is even if you said “I would like to get there someday with you. I do love your decorative taste.” So basically you are teaching him what doesn’t work and then showing him what DOES work.
Do you see how this focuses on the core issue here? Because the core issue is NOT about him not wanting to move in with you or being on the same page, because everything you are telling me, he is SHOWING you that you guys are on the same page. The CORE issue was his lack of heart in his response.
So…moving forward, you guys need to figure out how to navigate the summer. You need to have patience and understand he is just not going to have his heart as available and he needs to understand that he is going to need to put a little more of his heart in his responses, in order to keep feeding the connection. So how does this work? That’s up to you guy to create and experiment.
Here are some guidelines:
1. Maybe come up with some code words that you both understand. So let’s say you text him and he wants to respond, but he is just so busy and doesn’t have time to give you the kind of answer you want, be he wants you to know he will respond later. So maybe the code word is: “Peacock”. It’s silly, it’s fun and it can also be symbolic. The male peacock struts around with his GORGEOUS feathers to attract the woman…and him working so hard to have his business flourish and thrive is HIS version of spreading his feathers because it’s an attractive quality to a woman. Do you see what I am getting at? It’s a sweet 1 or 2 word response that is easy for him to text you, that will make you smile and still feel connected, but it’s also an agreement that your question will be addressed later.
2. Also come up with 1 or 2 words code words that have a deeper meaning you both, that just lets you guys know you are thinking about each other. So if he texts you: “corvette” (it’s a very sexy car) it lets you know he is craving sex with you. If you text him “banana” it lets him know you are desiring him. If he texts you “teddy bear” it lets you know he is looking forward to coming home and holding you. This is a VERY fun, easy way to help him stay connected with you through 1 or 2 word texts that have a deeper meaning and also respects his very busy schedule. Does this make sense?
3. Set up a date night that is non-negotiable. His work is NOT allowed to get in the way of date night. This can be the time you get to look forward to, where you guys are not interrupted and a time that HE protects to connect with you. How often and when, is up to you guys, but it’s important. But it needs to be a time that he does NOT negotiate away. It can be an early morning breakfast, a hike, even a few hours of intimacy. Get creative with this. Let him know that this will help you a TON to feel connected with him during his busy season. It will help YOU support him in his busy season. Guys are pretty ignorant…they get mad their woman is becoming “needy” when they are busy, but they don’t get how much they are NOT connecting with their woman outside of work. It’s a really simple solution. If the guy just gave his woman some FOCUSED time where he makes her valuable and that she matters, the woman will give him all the space he needs. So teach him this!
And in the end, have an action plan and being to implement it and see if it works. As you guys move through it, you will find the areas it works and doesn’t work, so agree that NO MATTER WHAT, if something isn’t working, you BOTH come back to the drawing board and create a new plan. There is NO JUDGMENT about what doesn’t work. You both just accept that this is a creative process and you both want to set yourselves up for success as his buys season approaches.
Does this help?
Heidi
Yes, I get why it’s confusing. You are getting mixed messages, but what is MORE true, is you have no understanding of his response and he has not understanding what you said. So instead of staying connected, open, and honest, you have betrayed yourself by shutting down your need. How in the world is HE is supposed to know you, if you don’t show him? Your voice matters and if he doesn’t think so, then again…that is something you need to know about him. But maybe you will discover that your voice DOES matter to him. Relationships and love are a risk Cindi. If you shut down and don’t keep open lines of communication, then you are setting the relationship up for failure down the road. You have to face your fear NOW and speak up.
My guess is, this is a pattern of yours to stay silent and not express your thoughts and needs. I used to be like that too. I know for me, it comes from trauma and abuse. Who taught you to stay silent?
Again, have a conversation with him with the purpose of learning about each other. Keep it light, simple, and explorative. That’s all it is…just exploring each other’s limitations. It may turn out that you misunderstood what he said and so you are sitting here being hurt from a simple misunderstanding…and your hurt is creating a wall between you guys. I know you don’t want that. Fight for yourself. You NEED to exist in this relationship during the hard times, not just the good times.
A question that I ALWAYS ask myself when I am hurt is: What is it that I want THEM to do for me, that I am not willing to do for myself? It’s a tough question, because it holds ME accountable to my feelings and not the other person. In your situation, you want him to care that he hurt. You want him to see a future with you. Basically, you want to feel like you matter to him long term…You want to feel valuable to him. But if you think about it, you are not valuing yourself by staying silent about how you were hurt. You are betraying your own voice. You cannot ask for something from someone else, that you are not willing to give to yourself first and foremost. People who do that, are seeking OTHERS to source their value, their self-esteem, and their happiness instead of taking 100% responsibility for those things internally. What an empowered woman have done in that moment is spoken up and walked straight into that comment. For example, you could have said, “Well that’s an interesting statement. I know it’s only been 5 months. I wasn’t meaning anytime soon….I meant “eventually” and I don’t have any idea when that might be. I trust that you and I will know when that moment will happen…IF it happens. But I’m curious, you said it’s only been 5 months…do you have a timeline in your head or something? Maybe you think after 1 year or something? Are you the type to go by numbers (which many men are btw) instead of going by how it feels between us?” This is honoring your voice, your feelings, and allowing for a moment where you both get to know each other and how you each think and feel about this topic of moving into together. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
Welcome! I can see why you are confused and concerned. It does sound like you guys are not on the same page and that is incredibly difficult when you are coming from a place where it did feel different. Let’s see if we can figure this out. I just have a few questions.
I’m not entirely clear about his responses.
I made the grave mistake of asking if he was trying to tell me something by asking to pick things out, and didn’t get a great response. First, this is NOT a grave mistake. You were just asking a question. Just because he had a negative response, does NOT mean you made a mistake. If anything, it was a GREAT question, because it helped you learn about him and where his limitations are. It sounds like you guys are moving out of the honeymoon phase. Insecurities and limitations start to show up as a couple gets to know each other and arguments begin to enter the picture. This is very normal.
Help me understand a few things. What EXACTLY were you asking him when you inquired that he might be telling you something? Was it your indirect way of trying to see if he saw a future with you?
And his response was “we’ve only been dating 5 months?” Am I understanding this correctly?
So where do you guys currently stand? Have you tried to talk about this more?
It’s okay that you introduced your kids. Sure you could have waited longer, but you guys didn’t. So embrace your choice and trust that your kids and everyone will be okay and figure this out as you go along. Part of teaching our kids and preparing them for the real world, is helping them handle loss, disappointment, and the hardships of life. You are their leader and guide, so if things don’t end up working out, you will help them heal as you heal from the loss. How else are they going to learn about the challenges of life?
Now…first and foremost, when dating and seeing if someone is a good fit for us, THE MOST IMPORTANT component to pay attention to, is how they handle stress and challenges in their life. The good stuff is easy. It’s our shadow side, it’s our limitations, it our fears, our insecurities and HOW WE HANDLE THEM, that breaks a relationship. I’m always encourage a person to DEEPLY pay attention to a person’s coping mechanism, as well as their own of course. Someone can be incredibly connective, but under enough stress, disappear and become unavailable, leaving you to wonder what the heck is going on. Coping mechanisms like criticism, ghosting, stonewalling, gaslighting, defensiveness etc. is what breaks safety and trust. Without feeling safe in the worst moments, you have NOTHING to build a relationship on. So what you guys are going through, you are seeing his stress response. And it’s not even that stressful. Instead of talking to you about your feelings, he instead is judging you. Instead of opening up the conversation and being open to talk about the future, his judgment is shutting down connection. You are getting a window into how he handles things and his lack of connection that shows up. It’s important to pay attention to, because as wonderful as he is, he is ALSO not so wonderful at communicating and staying connected and open with, what appears to be, an uncomfortable topic for him. There are PLENTY of couples that absolutely start to have conversations about the future around 5 or 6 months. There are plenty of couples that don’t. It just depends, but what matters is that BOTH people are open to talk about it…and that’s what’s missing here. You just asked a question – and you ran into his wall and that wall if full of fear.
What needs to happen is a conversation. Whenever I run into a wall with someone, what I like to do, is get curious about that wall. What is more important for you to connect with, is HIS fear and NOT about the future. He is not going to respond well to that “Where are going” conversation, but he may respond well to you just wanting to get to know him and this wall that came up.
So plan a date. Go to dinner somewhere quiet and beautiful. Wear something beautiful. And you can start the conversation something like “Listen. I know that my question has caused a bit of speed bump for us. It’s been feeling like the past few months, that things are changing and we are on a bit of a different page. Because we are still so new and this is the first time we are dealing with this, I wanted to take this opportunity for us to teach each other. I want to learn about you and your mindset. I want to be on the same page with you. Are you willing to talk to me about this?”
The goal here, is let CURIOSITY lead you. DO NOT have an agenda to try to change his mind, convince him, or pressure him into what YOU want. Men typically will open up much more, when DO NOT feel the pressure and the desperateness a woman puts out to connect with him. So stay centered, grounded, and empowered. He will respond to that much more. Curiosity is about just getting to know him. What are his fears. Obviously something “future” talk is activating his fears and his wall, so see if you can find out what it’s about. If he is NOT open to talking with you about it and having this conversation, then that is something you need to know about him. Your choice to continue moving forward with someone who won’t meet you with communicating and sharing his experiences and his fears….well then that is about your own wounding that you would negotiate away your heart and hand it over to someone who doesn’t honor it or value it. And that is something you need to know about yourself. You have to have standards as to how you are treated, even in the worst moments. And if you cannot hold to those standards, or if you don’t have any, then that is something for you to work internally.
For women especially, because we are built to connect and we are the caretakers of relationship, it’s easier for us to say yes to connection, even if it’s harmful to us. It’s incredibly hard for a woman to say no to a man they have bonded with, when he is not showing up in a respectful way. Most women will ignore the red flags and hope things change, but at the expense of themselves. This is NOT love. This is trauma bonding. Healthy, clear love means it’s a loving thing for YOU to love this other person. You cannot leave yourself out of the equation when it comes to love. You cannot give someone else what you don’t have. Meaning…you cannot truly love someone else when you don’t have self love. And this is where a lot of women get turned around. They love and offer their hearts to a man, but it’s actually toxic because they are choosing to fight for a man who is emotionally unavailable. And that may be the reality of this guy. He was connective and available up to a certain point and you hit his wall. If he is not willing to open up and continue connecting, then you have a choice to make.
Thoughts?
Heidi
but I do maintain that hope/optimism/idealism (even if not grounded) is like the sun, if you only believe in it when you see it, then you will never make it through the night. Hope, optimism and idealism are beautiful energies, but also can be misused if it’s targeted to something that is beyond your control. For example, if your hope and idealism is focused on getting this guy back, then that is wounded hope. But putting your hope on idealism that you can have a relationship that is high functioning, nourishing, conscious, and long lasting is a healthy place to put that energy. It’s a vision that serves your highest and best self.
In regards to your guy, just because you let him go, doesn’t mean you can’t cross paths again. If you focus on healing yourself, becoming more empowered, working on your co-dependent patterns, YOU become a more healthy and balanced partner which will attract the attention of more healthy and balanced friends and lovers. This guy may work on his own for a while and then find you attractive again as he feels your inner strength. Many times, I have gone 2 rounds with a guy over time and it’s an interesting, educational experience.
It sounds like you want to spend some time processing everything and that you feel complete with this forum, so I wish you all the best in your journey. We are here for you whenever you feel ready to connect again!
It’s been a pleasure conversing with you!
Heidi
I do want to break the cycle and step out of the shadows. But I am not sure how to clear away the past. Of course you don’t know how. It’s not your specialty. You have your own profession and the areas you were passionate to study. You are in enough pain now, to finally be ready to begin studying and learning about yourself and creating a different kind of pattern for yourself. That’s why you need an expert.
Deep down I do know that he will always be there if I am in desperate need, how could he not be? What’s important Natasha, is that you stay grounded in reality. Being that you guys barely communicate, it’s very possible that even in your most desperate, needful moments, he may NOT be there for you. Just because he is your dad, it does not mean that he feels any kind of obligation or desire to act as your father and support system, just because you are having a hard time. He doesn’t act as a father when things are good, so it’s probably he won’t act as a father when things are challenging. The thing is, you just don’t know. Your “belief” that he would be there in your time of serious need, is a child’s point of view, not and adult point of view. It’s the child part of you wanting to believe that there is some love left in your father’s heart for you and he will show up when you need him most. It’s these kinds of beliefs that are not based in reality, that gets us in trouble.
Something I did not understand for, in my mind, friends forgive and reconcile easily. This also is a child-like belief. A person’s ability to forgive is connected to their knowledge, skillset, and the amount of baggage they are carrying. The more baggage someone carries, it’s a sign of their inability to forgive and let go….friend or not….love or not. The reality about relationship is that love and connection are never enough to sustain anything. Relationships break all the time, regardless of how much love exists between 2 people.
I suppose he must view me as a selfish needy bitch. That’s a pretty strong statement and reflective of what you think about yourself, not what HE thinks. This is a projecting type of statement. We all do it. We make up these stories about how someone else feels about us without any proof or evidence directly coming from them. The stories we make up, are a reflection of the judgements and criticism and low self esteem feelings we carry around about ourselves…most of the time living in our subconscious. That’s the beauty of our stories…it tells us what lives deep and underneath the surface.
I suppose there is a difference between feeling abandoned and under appreciated, but at the same time, aren’t they two sides of the same coin? Sort of…they are a bit of the same flavor, but not necessarily THAT closely related. Abandonment is more about feeling left, while feeling under appreciated is more about not feeling seen. Being left and being seen are different levels of intensity. Either way, it’s good you are seeing some of her challenges. As much as you see that she has that special aura, it sounds like she doesn’t quite see herself that way.
You’re welcome for the info.! I hope you use it!
Heidi
her outbursts likely stemmed from her own insecurity. Of course! Just like you have this fear of abandonment and program that you are not valuable, she has her own programs and fears created from her childhood. She just passed all of that onto you. You have the opportunity to break the cycle.
Everyone’s life path is different and friends grow apart, I know that this is natural. But I feel so betrayed when a person, whom I shared my story with or showed tremendous kindness to, decides to leave me behind. I take it personally. It’s impossible for you to not take it personally. You have too many experiences and feelings that have not been cleared, that taking personally is the only way you can respond. It sucks. It doesn’t have to be that way, but it means clearing all the old stuff, so you can function at a higher, more conscious level.
I often wonder if this initial insult was never forgiven and is always in the back of his mind. I’m sure it was an insult to him. Like you, he took it personally. Like you, he doesn’t know how to respond any other way. If he is still dealing with his past breakup, that means he hasn’t completely forgiven, so he is walking around with a huge, open emotional wound that hasn’t healed and then you throw a little salt on that wound…how can he NOT have a reaction to that? That’s why it is SOOOOOO crucial that we clear our trauma reponses, so that we don’t dump our crap and our reactions onto someone else.
I know that if you care enough about someone, you should let them go….but I do not want to regret letting him go either because what if … He absolutely is operating from a place of trauma bonding. He is not available for you Natasha and that is the end of story. We should ALWAYS be in a place of letting someone go and be what they need to be. Your fear of abandonment is so great, that it ends up driving you to hold onto someone sooooo tight, that you don’t allow them to be who they need to be. Instead, you are trying to make them what YOU need and that is damaging and toxic to BOTH you and them. I know you understand this, but it’s a whole different thing to actually live like that. When we are not able to behave and act in alignment with what we know is best for us, that is our wounded part of ourselves NOT aligned with the truth. This is where healing comes in.
Basically, there is knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what we feed our minds with. For example, I am teaching you concepts here to help you understand what is happening. But as you notice, no matter how much information I give you, it doesn’t change that you want to keep connecting with him. That’s where healing and wisdom comes in. Wisdom, is knowledge in ACTION. In order for our knowledge to turn into wisdom, we need to heal and remove the negative core beliefs and programming. For example, I remember a time in my mid 20s where I would stood up on a date. I had only met the guy once while out and about, so there wasn’t much investment, but my response was sooooooo hurt. I went to girlfriend’s house and we ate a tub of ice cream while bitching about guys. It was so fun, but I also was operating from A LOT of hurt. I KNEW 100% that him standing me up had NOTHING to do with me. He hardly knew me, yet I was giving this stranger the power to determine my value. All my hurt did, is show me where I was fractured. The more I healed, all of that changed. So getting stood up again a few years later, it felt like a pin prick vs. a stab to the gut. My ego was bruised of course, but my knowledge had become wisdom…my natural reaction was aligned with the truth where I had no need to eat ice cream and bitch about guys and walk around with a wounded heart. With a few techniques, I was able to quickly align with my truth and value and then I was completely okay! This is why you need some help. Your feelings are operating from VERY strong programming….thousands of repetitions where you were taught that you were not valuable or worth fighting for…and your this programming is getting you into trouble and will only give you more experiences to support that program that you are not worth fighting for. It’s an endless cycle unless you begin to change that programming…and for that, you need help. None of us can do something like that on our own. It’s so big and so deep, that we need experts to help us….at least in the beginning. Even after 30 years of doing healing work, I STILL need help sometimes. It’s not often, but there are just times that a button SO big gets pressed and need some help clearing it and that’s why I always stay in relationship with my coach. She got me to this point where I am pretty high functioning on my own, which feels AMAZING. I know she can do the same for you IF you stay the course. It’s a tough road for sure, but like anything…”the way out, is the way in.” Heading DIRECTLY into your programming and hurt and trauma is the ONLY way you will find relief and healing from your past. It’s worth it though!
Maybe that just means booty call and I am believing that it simply means without the deeper intimacy of being included in family and friend get togethers.)) Casual has a different meaning to everyone. But in general, for a guy, it means booty call. For some, it truly is that and nothing more. They typically are not available for much more. The more they offer than that, it begins to lead into something deeper as that is the natural response most women have. The nicer the guy, the more respectful the guy, the more the guy cares, the more she begins to get attached. So before entering into anything casual, it’s important to just talk about what the means for BOTH of you, so you make sure you are on the same page.
Something left unsaid or misunderstood and it bothers me. I want to understand the male psyche so that I know the right things to say and do. You will NEVER understand a man’s psyche until you understand your own, first and foremost. Again, I can tell you everything there is to know about the male psyche, but you won’t understand most of it, because you haven’t gone through FEELING it in yourself first. The base, foundational level of the psyche is the EXACT same for everyone…at the foundational level, there is no difference between male and female. For example, if you truly understood the inner workings of your own trauma bonding, you would instantly be able to understand and see it in Ryan. There would be nothing to understand because you completely get it. It’s only on the more surface levels that there are differences between male and female and then between each person as an individual.
She has an aura that I do not and it cannot be defined. Yes, I get it. Some people just have a “something” that are born with. For me, those people are the greatest gifts when they cross my path, because in their beauty and amazing, I see where I feel “less than.” Their light exposes my insecurities and that gives me an opportunity to see where I still need to do some work on myself. Because the truth is, no matter what they are, I am just as beautiful and valuable…in a different way. So when I am able to feel that about myself fully and completely, I am able to appreciate their light and beauty WITHOUT feeling I am lacking in any way. So that is a good gauge for you…when you are able to see her aura and NOT feel envious, because you are fully connected to your own greatness.
Heidi
Hi Misty,
Welcome! It sounds like you are really confused and that there is a lot you don’t understand. You think you are on the same page, but then he is telling you something different. So it sounds like from your perspective, everything is in alignment, but this is not his perspective. It may be some mis-communication or he may be changing his mind and not really telling you. Either way, it sounds like this whole thing is quite messy. And honestly, I’m not a fan of him breaking up with you and blaming YOU for everything that is not working well. That’s a big red flag!
I understand you love you and want to keep fighting for him. However, it sounds like he has a lot happening in his life and that he doesn’t have much capacity for a committed relationship. No matter what you do or say, it won’t change HIS mindset and whatever “situations” he is constantly dealing with and using as an excuse to keep you away.
Is he sharing with you what those “situations” are? Is he being open about all of it?
I’m also wondering…you said that he is saying you cross boundaries all the time. Do you agree with this? Do you have a tendency to not respect and honor his boundaries? It’s not crossing a boundary for you to get a job. He may view it that way, but that’s quite skewed if you guys were planning on you moving to where he was. So I’m wondering if there are other situations he is referencing.
What does he mean that you are continuously disrespectful and always come back with banter when he suggests you take care of yourself? Can you explain this further?
From what it sounds like, he is really frustrated and not feeling respected by your choices…which basically means he is feelings like what he wants and needs does not matter to you. Are you able to understand and see his perspective or do you feel that his feelings are way off base and you don’t understand?
Heidi
Oh I love that you had a therapeutic cry! You needed that! Your system is carrying soooooo much and your tears matter. It just means you deeply care. Your tears are beautiful, purposeful, and needed. I hope you honored them with compassion and kindness.
Manipulation – It is such a cruel word with evil connotations Yes. It absolutely can be. And…it’s also just a normal thing we all do and can be a VERY good thing as well. Manipulation, at it’s very core, it just about figuring out ways to get our needs met, right? So manipulation is just a tool….no different than money….it all depends on how it’s being used. It can absolutely be evil and it can also be a really good thing. Your path of manipulation is one of your greatest gifts as well! Our greatest gifts are ALWAYS our greatest weaknesses. You have an incredibly beautiful and powerful heart to love in this world, and lord knows we NEED that in this world. The shadow side of that gift, shows up as co-dependence. Just to give you a simple definition of that…Co-dependence is: meeting the needs of other, at the expense of yourself. Narcissism is: meeting the needs of self, at the expense of other. These are 2 VERY prevalent patterns and are actually GOOD patterns when in balance. My pattern is more narcissism, so as I healed more and more, I started becoming more co-dependent. Now…I feel I have a pretty good balance between both. I feel VERY comfortable meeting my own needs as well as meeting other’s needs….but at the CENTER I am always focused on keeping my inner balance. That’s the place you want to get to.
Here is the truth…you are trying to avoid pain on every level possible. Everyone does. On a deeper level, it’s really fear driving all of it. And the fear exists, because you don’t trust yourself and you don’t feel safe. How are you not trusting yourself? You don’t trust that you can handle the pain and process it. You don’t have the skillset, knowledge, accountability, or understanding about how to feel pain, work with it, and then completely release it. So of course you are afraid of pain! Once I really developed my knowledge, understanding, and skillset, I became more and more comfortable with pain. Fear still showed up of course, but it didn’t run my life. So now, of course I still try to avoid pain, because it’s no fun, but I’m not afraid it, because of the inner strength, knowledge and skillset I have. I absolutely KNOW 100% that I can heal from anything and I know exactly how to do it. So I trust myself. And that inner trust allows me to know the value of pain…and that means that I am actually okay if I hurt someone else or if pain shows up in someone else’s life. I do what I can to help, but at the same time, I allow pain to “work” on someone for their growth. Does this make sense?
Here is a really great analogy: https://www.instituteofcuriosity.com/the-butterfly-story/
Why should I feel so guilty for wanting to know if he ever really cared for me or could see me as a potential partner? Why does this feel like a real goodbye and one that I cannot prevent? Why am I so afraid that if I try to reach out to him that it will be met with silence? Why do I feel that this is all my fault and why did I throw myself on the sword by taking all the blame in my letter to him? These are great questions and I love that you are asking them. It means you are curious. It means you want to learn. It means you deeply want to connect. Keep asking these questions. The simple answer to all of these, is you have a hole you are trying to fill. That hole is painful…empty…uncomfortable. So you act in ways to try and fill that hole through the “other” being the current guy. And since he filled that hole a little bit and then stopped filling it…it creates A LOT more pain and discomfort and you’re trying to get reprieve from that. That’s what happens when we try to fill that inner hole through other people. They ALWAYS will let us down, just because they are human. So your job is to learn how to fill that hole yourself…then you won’t feel this desperate energy to fix anything through someone else. That’s the cliff notes version of what’s happening. There are MANY more nuances to this though.
I want to know how to fix this ugly situation? I want for this man to send me a response to the letter (which is copied in one of the other posts) and tell me why he keeps me at arms length. I know that will never happen – I’d love to be able to use one of these tips and tricks from the website to try to trigger an honest response from him — but now is not the right time and I wonder if there ever will be the right time. I get this is what you want AND it’s not his job to fix you. Here is a question that is soooooo not fun, but the most valuable question you can ever ask yourself in situations like this..
What do you want HIM to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself?
This questions holds YOU accountable for meeting your needs and no one else. It is one of the MOST IMPORTANT skills to develop if you ever want to have a healthy, high functioning relationship that can last. You have to KNOW and TAKE ACTION meeting your own needs. I guarantee you the love of your life is going to hurt you MANY times…and vice versa. What gets couple through those moments, is being able to meet their own needs, when their partner is falling short. So this experience you are having with this guy, is an opportunity for you to begin developing that skillset.
And simply put Natasha, the reason he is behaving this way is he is quite split. One side of him wants one thing, and another side of him wants another. Whichever side is strongest in the moment, is the one that leads his decisions and behaviors. Anyone split like this, is EXTREMELY wounded, full of fear and a TON of low self-esteem. So does it really matter why? Nope. All that matters is that this guy is CLEARLY showing you he has no integrity or understanding or care about how he is impacting you. That’s ENOUGH information for you to know this guy is toxic and needs to go figure out his life. Stay away. End of story. The why doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with you. He is behaving this way because of all the baggage he is carrying around for many years. It’s not yours to fix. It’s not your responsibility. It’s not your fault. It’s HIS journey with his own pain, that happens to show up in a very dysfunctional way. What YOU need to face is your need to try and fix it, understand it, and change it. This again, is what trauma bonding looks like…2 people bonding through the holes they carry internally and looking for others to fill it. If this is not what you want, then you need to stop focusing on him and why he is behaving this way and turn those questions onto yourself. So again, what do you want HIM to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself?
Femme Fatale — for me this is a woman who exudes confidence and has a aura about her, a strong firm presence but yet has grace and elegance. Her aloofness should be transparently false hiding a soft approachable, yet not debilitating vulnerability. Do you feel you show this and exude this in your professional life? When it comes to romance, what do you feel is specifically missing?
I imagine that a woman truly feels like a wild goddess in the arms of a man. But I do not necessarily need the company of a man to feel like a woman. A woman can feel like a wild goddess, all on her own WITHOUT a man. This is what it means to be whole and complete within. Go a step further. Can you feel like that 100% of the time without a man? I did those things all the time and felt like a woman, but there was a deeper layer I got access too, once I was in scarcity long enough. I suspect you would find the same thing I found…men source you more than you realize. My question of “How do I know I a woman without a man telling me or showing me” was MY question and one that has deep meaning for me. Your question might be the same or different. Who knows. Either way, that space that gets exposed from scarcity of attention or attachment or connection, is where you will find that question. Because you are so fearful of being a spinster, that – in an of itself – tells you how much you use men to source you in one way or another. You are so afraid of being a spinster, that you do everything you can to avoid it…even connecting with men who are not healthy or emotionally available. So you would rather engage in toxic, harmful connections than to be alone. This is VERY normal! I did it for years until I went through that phase of my life in Tennessee. That scarcity FORCED me into the place I knew was there, but never wanted to get to. And it changed me forever. I don’t care if I’m a spinster anymore. I don’t care if men look at me. I have no need for any of their attention. I feel very fulfilled inside, and I’ve worked hard to get here. There is a very powerful saying that is sooooo true. “You can love more freely when it’s not a need.” I can’t tell you how true that is. I don’t need to love, so when I do…it’s BIG, it’s balanced, it’s clear, it’s discerning, it’s vulnerable AND one of the most important and crucial parts of TRUE love is this….loving that other person, IS A LOVING THING FOR ME. I do not leave loving myself out of the equation of love. For you, your pattern is to connect through serving the other AT THE EXPENSE of yourself…so you are NOT loving yourself AT THE SAME TIME of offering your heart to someone else. And THAT is what will keep you in suffering and misery. Making sure that it is a loving thing to myself, to love this other person is how I keep myself in check.
She lives in the moment. It must be so freeing. I’m curious…have you ever asked her this? Being that she had the same programming as you, I guarantee she has her struggles…you just may not see it. Most people had NO CLUE about what I was always struggling with, because it held it all in. I NEVER talked about. I fooled everyone. You could be right though. But it may be an interesting conversation to have with her. Ask her about her experience with love. Ask her about what her fears are. Ask her about how her own dysfunction shows up in her relationship. Ask her about how your parents impacted her and how she relates to romance and love.
I know I am throwing A LOT at you. One of my biggest challenges is NOT throwing the kitchen sink at someone. It’s my own attempt at trying to relieve the pain as fast as possible by trying to help others understand what is REALLY happening underneath all the triggers and emotions. I definitely have a tendency to go overboard with information. Please tell me slow down or you can just keep asking questions about what I’m saying. It’s difficult to communicate about VERY complicated, dynamic subjects in a simple way that can be understood through typing.
As soon as I get your email from my fellow team member, I will send you the information so you can contact my coach.
Heidi
I am not so cruel as to want to manipulate another person into desiring me. I didn’t mean to insinuate it’s a bad thing all the time. Let me say this a different way. We ALL are manipulative in what we say and do when dating…especially in the beginning, because we want to put our best foot forward in order to attract the other person. We wear certain clothes, we act in a certain way, we are flirty and so on. I think manipulation becomes cruel when someone’s intention behind the manipulation becomes purposefully harmful or controlling. For example, it’s taught to make the guy feel like a hero by activating his “hero instinct” and how to go about that. That’s manipulation, because a woman is coming up with a scenario to ask for his helps so they can reconnect. It’s an indirect way to get what she wants which is connection with him and to make him feel good. That’s manipulation, right? But it doesn’t do any harm AND it teaches the woman how to be a better partner. The cruel form of manipulation is when she does the same exact thing, but her intention is to get to control him. I know this well, as I used to be quite masterful at this. I knew sooooo much about men and because of the wounds I carried around, sometimes I weaponized it. I watched myself do it, NOT liking the person I was being, but I did it anyways. Those times were CRUCIAL for me, because I saw what I was capable of and it scared me…which pushed me even further into wanting to heal more. At the core, I just wanted to love and be loved, so I HAD to connect to heal that part of myself, so I didn’t cause harm to others. Part of loving ourselves Natasha, is accepting our shadow side. You said that you are a people pleaser. This is a form of manipulation as well. You sacrifice your needs and give others what THEY want so they will like you and accept you. So basically, manipulation shows up when are NOT being our authentic, empowered selves. To put it more simply, it’s our coping mechanisms. Our coping mechanisms get established as a child, as learn how to survive life. Those coping mechanisms are with us for the rest of our lives, but what changes as we heal those wounds, is HOW we take care of ourselves when those coping mechanisms get activated. So when I get rejected or triggered, I absolutely still have that part of me that wants to take over and manipulate, but my ADULT side is much stronger and says “Nope. This is not how we are going to handle this. I choose kindness and love. I choose forgiveness.” And then I work on healing the part of me that is hurt. If it’s too strong, I have people that know how to help me. Does this make a little more sense? Let’s keep talking about this.
You have a lot of really beautiful thoughts and questions! I say they are beautiful, because it’s your subconscious showing you exactly what you are carrying around and what is impacting your experiences. These questions are entry points into a rabbit hole that has every answer you are looking for, you just have to know how to get there.
I want to be a femme fatale, sexy and alluring, but at the end of the day that isn’t me. I care so deeply and have a big heart that I want to share. At times I have wondered if there is a biological component to attraction and that I miss a key pheromone. You CAN be all of this, BUT sexy and alluring has a different flavor to everyone. For some, it’s intense, commanding, and strong. For others, it’s soft and flowy. Because we are all so different and unique, that femme fatale will express itself differently. What do YOU imagine the femme fatale energy looks like that you are wanting to be and feel?
If you took a look at my sad and pathetic story outlined above, the latest epic failure and humiliation, you may see how foolish I really am How in the world are you ever supposed to know where you have blind spots, unless you go through these experiences? That is the greatest gift of pain. If you want to love and be loved deeply, then you have to know where those blind spots exist, so you can work on them. I know it’s a super tough way to learn. What I DON’T want to see you do, is let it defeat you. You are not alone. THOUSANDS of people have these same realizations and all it is, is a wake up call. You can either answer that call and get into action, or you can stay exactly where you at. It’s up to you. What do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?
I am by nature a people pleaser and I have often wondered if it stems from an overbearing mother, German grandparents with harsh standards, and the pressures of being a big sister – one so adored and looked up to. Of course your family shaped you this way. Well, you were born this way as our coping mechanisms are just an expression of our personality, but the trauma and programming will magnify our coping mechanisms. You learned that in order to survive, you would do everything you could to be there for everyone else and to be what everyone else wanted…and it has worked! AND…as we get older and try to build our own relationships, what worked for us back then, is now harming us. Does this make sense?
Sometimes I wonder how someone so well traveled, who lived a year abroad and speaks three languages (albeit with varied proficiency) and highly educated can be so afraid of men and give them the power over my own psyche? You ARE confident, intelligent, and powerful and many areas of your life! Make sure you celebrate that!!! In the relationship department, you are struggling. I can’t tell you how common this is. I have worked with millionaires, top CEOs etc. that say the same exact thing. Love is like no other force in the world and it will activate and shine a light on ALL of your “fault” lines…the cracks in your system where lies, programming, limitations, and fears live. So for most people, they really struggle with love. They figured out how to be very successful in the other areas of their lives, but love is a VERY different journey.
I have wondered if I imagine my draw to him because I fear spinsterhood Most people do. And THAT is the exact place you need to step into if you are going to TRULY heal. Throughout my dating life, I found the dry spells incredibly uncomfortable, but I also knew that it was a place that needed healing. Then life answered my call. I moved to Tennessee and for the first time in my life, not a single guy was looking at me (I always had men looking at me, asking me out etc.). After a few months, I remember asking myself “How do I know I’m a woman, unless I have a man letting me know I’m a woman?” Light bulb moment for sure. I realized HOW MUCH I was defining my femininity through the attention of men. So..for the next 3 years (the longest dry spell I had ever had up to that time) I had to sit in that feeling and reshape myself. I tried to date, but it never worked. I was rejected more than I had ever been and I didn’t understand it. AND….I grew into a new person…the person I had always wanted to become…which was solid in KNOWING my worth and value, separate than any man, any boss, any friend. Wow! It was tough, but I’m here to tell you…the greatest healing lives in the place you want to avoid the most.
The heart to heart — I agree that you have to love and respect yourself. You have to honor your boundaries. But isn’t nice to know that someone else respects your uniqueness too? Of course it’s nice! AND…can you still feel that about yourself 100% when someone is NOT respecting your uniqueness? That’s when you know you TRULY respect yourself, through and through. I feel that about myself. When I get rejected or am not respected, sometimes it pulls me out of my truth, but I get back to loving and respecting very quickly. That is what emotional health looks like. Knowing how to get aligned with truth and stay empowered, even in the midst of challenge.
I would never admit this, but I am so envious of my sister. She is so confident in herself and has such easy charisma. She doesn’t fear that her boyfriend will one day leave her. He treats her so well and with such respect and adoration. I do not know what she does differently than me… I get it. It’s so incredibly hard to see someone else have what you want. I’m hear to tell you…YOU have your own uniqueness and charisma that special to you too. She may have figured out how to express is easier, but it doesn’t mean she has something you don’t. Her journey is meant to be different than yours. Her struggles are meant to be different than hers. Honor her path AND honor yours as well.
It feels like you are on the precipice of wanting to break through some barriers Natasha. I’m happy to send you the info. of my coach. She is BRILLIANT. I have never presented her with anything that she wasn’t able to help me break through. I have seen a TON of different therapist and she BY FAR surpassed all of their abilities combined. I get more done with her in 10 minutes that I would with an entire hour with other therapists. She is not for the faint of heart though. She will help you get where you want to go, but it’s not an easy journey. You have to be willing to dive in and face the pain, so you can release it. She is an incredible guide that can help you, if you feel ready. If yes, I will send you an email with her information.
Heidi
Hi Natasha,
Let’s talk about a few things here:
We are looking for the missing piece of the puzzle or the magic key to unlock the heart of “our person.” We are looking for sound advice on what to do next without mucking it up. Is this how you feel? If you think about it, anyone looking for this type of answer is looking for some kind of formula to make sure something turns out the way THEY want. There is NOTHING specific needed to “unlock” anything. The “right” person that you are meant to take a journey with – IF it’s a healthy connection – is a person who will be inspired by you…just as you are. It’s not about you doing or being anything specific. It’s about you being you, them being them – and then the magic happens when the authentic you mixes with their authentic self and creates something beautiful. No games, no manipulation, no keys to unlock, nothing to “do”….JUST BEING! Any type of “forcing” or “convincing” or trying to make the situation happen in the way YOU want…that is an INSTANT sign that you are working from a place of woundedness. When 2 people come together in a HEALTHY, clear way, there is no forcing. Everything unfolds organically. BOTH people are on the same page and it’s effortless. So anyone trying to figure out how to bend a situation in a way that they want, they are looking for the other person to fill a hole within themselves. They want the other person to do the work and complete them, instead of doing it themselves.
I think there is a perception that we need a tutorial on how to use the tips and tricks on this forum/website and that there must be a basic one size fits all formula that can be adapted if we just knew how There are a gazillion layers to relationships, love, and everything in between. I have over 3 decades of reading, experimenting, and coaching. The one thing I DO know is that as much as I know, love is limitless and my learning will last forever. If there was one thing I could tell you that has benefited me the most…it’s the journey within. The more I got to know myself…my traumas, my deep beliefs around love, my programming, my baggage and how all of that expressed itself in my daily life…I more easily was able to understand others. Even though we are all unique, we are all fundamentally the same as well. We ALL have coping mechanisms and those coping mechanisms get activated by rejection, anger, hurt etc. So understanding myself meant I could understand everyone else – and because I could see behind the veil of behaviors, words, tones of voice, body language, decisions people made etc. I was able to step into any situation with my eyes wide open. Very rarely have I been fooled in my life and it’s saved me a TON of heartache. It’s worth getting to know every inch of yourself.
But sometimes it also boils down to the desire to have the other person give you the respect of an honest heart to heart. This is what is called “external locus of control.” It’s relying on the “other” to make you feel better. That a bandaid. A healthy person operates from an “internal locus of control.” That means they source themselves. They meet their own needs and don’t rely on others to say or be anything specific for them to feel good. A universal rule to live by….never ask for something from someone else, that you are not willing to give yourself. So in reality, if a person truly respected themselves, they wouldn’t need someone else to respect them. Does this make sense?
And I do look forward in undertaking that journey myself. I’m curious…what does this journey look like to you? What are you wanting to undertake? How are you going to go about it?
Heidi
