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Hi Heidi!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are here learning, so you can set yourself up for success moving forward.
I have a lot of suggestions for you, but what I DON”T want to happen, is you learning a “formula” for what you can say. That is your MIND taking over. Connection requires heart. Gratitude requires heart. Compliments require heart.
It sounds like the last guy you dated, wanted to FEEL your words…he wanted more of your heart to come through. Here is a great example I just don’t really know what to say except “that’s great that your work helps people”.. I’m not sure how to gush on about it.. When you say “that’s great that your work helps people” it’s definitely a thought you expressed, NOT a feeling. That statement says NOTHING about how you FEEL about his work. There is nothing of YOU in that statement. It’s a distant statement that has nothing personal about YOU in it. You don’t need to gush, you just need to make it more personal. Here is a different way you could have said it where your heart would have come through more…”I really love and respect the work you are doing. You are helping a lot of people and it’s such a beautiful thing!” See how this is more personal? You bring HIM into your compliment by telling him you love and respect what he does. You bring yourself into this compliment by being a bit more specific about what you love and respect and calling it beautiful…that’s a heart word. Do you see how these are the same exact compliments but one is coming from the mind and one is coming from the heart?
Compliments, Both receiving and giving, are the SAME exact thing. You need to access your heart…your feelings. So when I get a compliment, I used to reject them, then I healed more and I moved into saying “thank you” instead of rejecting them, and as I healed even more, I now FULLY receive compliments and they go ALL THE WAY into my heart and feels sooooo amazing. When someone is giving you a compliment, it’s like they are giving you a present. If you open that present and just say “thank you” it makes it not very fun to give that gift. When you give someone a present, you want THEM to be excited and you want them to feel SOMETHING about that present you gave them, right? So…when I receive a compliment, I make sure that I let that person know how it made me FEEL, so they know I heard them and I LOVE the gift they just gave me. I might say something like “Wow. What a beautiful thing you just said. That really made me feel good! Thank you for saying that!” or “What a wonderful compliment you just gave me. That felt really good to hear. Thank you!” or “I really appreciate you saying that! I struggle a lot with this part of myself, so you telling me that, is actually really impactful and helpful for me. Thank you!” Again, you want the other person to know that the gift they just gave you, had an impact on you somehow. It’s NOT about the words, because you could literally repeat everything I just said and it will not be enough. It’s about opening your HEART to let the compliment in and letting yourself FEEL the impact of it. It’s about the energy you offer in return, not the words. Does this make sense?
So that leads me into wondering why you are so dominant in using your mind to navigate connection, instead of your heart. Typically, that just means there is a lot of wounding that put walls up around the heart. Or…it might just be your personality. For example, most engineers or dominant left brain, so they have a much more difficult time accessing their heart and being in intimate, close relationships.
As a female, it would mean you accessing your feminine, nurturing, connective side. Tell me about that side of yourself. Do you feel comfortable being soft, vulnerable, nurturing, open and in a “receiving” kind of energy?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing more about your situation? What is happening that you guys broke up? Are you saying you haven’t talked in 2 months? How long were you together?
Heidi
This is great! You guys had a very honest conversation!!! Well done! I know it’s not everything you wanted to hear, but that’s okay. He is still wanting to stay connected with you, so that keeps things moving forward.
We talked about how to be there for each other and give each other what we need while also providing space. Great! What did you guys come up with? What did YOU ask for and what did HE ask for? Do you feel clear about how to move forward? Do you feel he understood your experience as well?
He said that I spooked him when I asked if he wanted me living with him eventually and I shared how it made me feel. He said he’d felt responsible for my feelings and my time lately and that with that and being spooked that he didn’t feel as safe. Okay. So it sounds like there is something much deeper going on with him. He “felt responsible” for you and that is HIS issue, not yours. He has some deeper programming going on in his subconscious that causes him to “feel responsible” in the first place. I’m wondering if maybe his mother set up that program for him when he was a child. The truth is, even if YOU were reacting in way where you were expecting him to take care of you, he played a part in that design. He could easily have NOT engaged in that energy. For example, I dated a guy for a bit who felt like I was not affectionate enough with him. No matter how many times I explained to him that it takes time for me to allow someone into my physical space and that trust and safety needed to be established, it didn’t make sense to him. He NEEDED more affection from me to feel more secure in our connection. Although his need was coming from an unhealthy, wounded place and he wanted to put that on me, I just didn’t engage. I felt ZERO responsibility for his roundedness, insecurities, and how he functioned with them. “Feeling responsible” for anyone’s feelings is NOT a program I have in my system, so it doesn’t get activated. But your guy DOES have that program. It’s not YOUR responsibility to fix it. He obviously got triggered when you mentioned moving in at some point, which tells you how much that “feeling responsible” program is running in his system. His response is showing you where some of his “fault lines” (the cracks in our system) live. You are learning about HIS triggers. This is about you not feeling responsible for him either. His reaction is his to deal with, just like you need to deal with yours. Does this help bring some clarity into why he reacted the way he did? There are more layers I can help explain, if you feel you want deeper understanding.
I know he said he never wants to get married again. This may or may not be true. Who knows. He may change his mind at some point, but he may not. You need to be accepting of his choice. If your need to get married is a non-negotiable for you, then you need to either shift your need, or break it off. He is being VERY clear about this and it’s your job to accept this about him. How do you feel about this?
I asked him if he thought he needed some space and time to figure out what he needed from our relationship, and he said no, that he just needs to feel like he’s not responsible for me. I’m not really sure what this means for HIM. Did you get clarity on this? What does he need differently from you for him to not feel responsible for you? This is a bit tricky, because in reality, he is asking YOU to do for him, what he is not willing to do for himself. In essence, he is making YOU responsible for helping him feel better, all the while telling you he does not want to feel responsible for you. Do you see how mixed up that is? He is NOT operating from a clear space and does not understand how he is doing to you EXACTLY what he is asking you NOT to do to him. Of course, he has no clue he is doing that, but that’s just because he doesn’t know himself that well.
Relationships are 3 components. You, him and the connection. So if someone were to say “I don’t want to feel responsible for you” I would say I don’t want that either, BUT…I do require that our connection is taken care of. I do require that this entity called a relationship, is cared for by you. It’s like a plant….it has life and NEEDS water if it’s going to stay alive. If he doesn’t water the plant, then he cannot expect that it somehow will stay alive and keep growing. So while he doesn’t want to feel responsible for you, he still needs to contribute to feeding, nourishing, and taking care of the relationship somehow. If he doesn’t even want to do that, then he is NOT ready for anything deeper or connective and is emotionally unavailable. He cannot expect to water his plant all the time and then when summer hits, he just stops watering it because he’s busy. He may water it less and you need to water it a bit more, but he still needs to participate in watering it….no exception. He cannot let work completely overtake his life to the point that you become this side thought to him. That’s not okay and that is way out of balance and is damaging to the connection.
So I’m not sure where things were left off with you guys. I’m not sure if I helped you with the uneasy feeling you have. From what you said, it’s pretty normal to feel uneasy, because he feels like he is 1 foot out the door and that doesn’t feel good. Let’s keep talking this through!
Heidi
Were these HIS words or are you guessing how he felt?
And I need clarity about the living situation. Were you talking about moving in together already?
Also, I’m curious what you think it means to be “needy.” Obviously you have a fear around that for some reason. How come? Is that something you have been told about yourself?
It also seems like you have this need to be “perfect.” Would you agree with that? I say that because you said this: I want to find a way back in, but I don’t want to do all the wrong things wrt to getting an ex back. Anytime someone has a need to do the “right” thing or a fear of doing the “wrong” thing…means they are trying to be EXACTLY what they are supposed to be and do, in order to get what they want/need. The problem with this thinking, is it’s not realistic and nor is it how you approach relationship. I understand you want to get this guy back, but in the end, if he is not able to accept you WITH ALL OF YOUR FEARS AND BLUNDERS, then there is a MUCH BIGGER issue here. In the end, you want to be love for EXACTLY who you are…your imperfections, your insecurities, your mistakes, your hurts…. ALL OF IT.
I understand you want to avoid doing the “wrong” things. Everybody does. But a more powerful way to look at this is “What are different ways I can approach this, that can help us reconnect?” You can try various ways to approach trying to re-connect with him, but like I previously said…in the end…if he is not able to accept you for who you are, then he is NOT a good match for you and the relationship will be fundamentally flawed and broken and will not last, no matter how much you care for him.
My point being….be okay just being yourself, even if it’s messy. When we show up messy and make blunders, it’s helps us learn about ourselves, where we are insecure, where our fears live, where we feel the need to control…and all of these things give us the opportunity for growth and becoming better partners. Even with everything that I know about relationships and the “right” things to do, I mess up and always will. I’m okay with it though. It’s just part of relationship and connection and the best I can do is accept my messiness, love myself through it, and if it’s a dealbreaker for my guy, then it is what it is. I am always just doing the best I can, and if it’s not enough for someone else, there is nothing I can do about that, as that is about THEIR journey, not mine.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Yayayaya! Well done! I have no doubt that it helped him breathe just a little easier!
I know he doesn’t know how you can help him, so that can be a conversation you have with him. He doesn’t even know what you are willing to do. So…your short talk could go something like this…”I want to help support you through this season and I know you have no clue how I can do that, but I have some ideas and you can let me know what works and what doesn’t work for you….I can help with weekly household chores, I can help by cooking you a batch of food for the week, I can help by taking your kids for a weekly outing so you can have some alone time etc…” A good question to ask him would be “what can you delegate to me that will help give you more time and make your day or week easier?” If he just doesn’t have anything, then respect his choice and make sure you leave the door open for him to change his mind. Sometimes, it can take guys a bit of processing time. So even if he says he doesn’t need your help, keep checking in every once in a while and see if there is something you can do. Also, you keep watch in the sense of hearing what daily tasks stress him out or where he feels behind, and maybe those are tasks he can delegate to you, but he doesn’t want to ask you or doesn’t think to ask you. Keep REMINDING him that you want to be his TEAMMATE and that right now, he needs some extra help and that allowing you to help is actually going to meet your needs of feeling more connected to him, because YOU will feel part of a team WITH him. He needs to understand that you WANT to help. Even those small, annoying tasks, like laundry will help you feel like you matter to him, as opposed to him just trying to fit you into his schedule when he can.
And make sure that you communicate to him what you need in return…which is his acknowledgment and appreciation. So you would say something like “As your teammate and as we navigate this together, if I am going to be doing these things for you on a weekly basis for a while, what I will need in return, is to feel like you appreciate me. It could be through your words of affection, it could be just saying Thank you, I really appreciate your help, it could be gifting me a massage, it could be giving me a passionate, long kiss letting me know that I matter….these small things will help continue to fill me up as I support you while you get through this busy season of yours.”
Does this help?
Now….I do want to also talk about your insecurities that got activated when he pulled away and how you handled it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you have acknowledged that you over-reacted. That’s the first step. The next step is to start to deep dive into your reaction, because you will over react again and again and again, until you work on the core issue that is being activated. This is what breaks relationships…people do not work more deeply on their triggers and how they handle them, and apologies become a moot point, because your partner will know it’s just going to happen again.
You said this is the first time you have been treated like a princess. I LOVE that you get to have this experience! And….the fact that it’s the first time, tells me you have chosen a lot of lower functioning men…which tells me there is a part of you, when it comes to love, that carries a lot of low self-esteem, that you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly. Let’s really think about this….someone who has high standards and a lot of high self-esteem, would not tolerate, on any level, to be disrespected or treated poorly…so being treated like a princess is the MINIMUM standard and common. Personally, this is how I have gotten to experience dating. I EXPECTED to be treated well, so that is exactly what I got most of the time. And if it swayed away from that, even in the challenging moments, they wouldn’t get to stay connected to me. I, of course, treat them with the same level of respect and value as well. So while it’s amazing that you get to experience this from a man, it needs to be just the BASELINE requirement, not the end all be all to him being your soulmate. I’m not saying he isn’t of course….I’m just saying that just because he treats you like this, DOES NOT mean that he is THAT great. He absolutely could be – I don’t know – but to give a guy THAT kind of status, requires MUCH MORE than being treated like a princess…that’s actually the easiest thing a guy has to do to earn that status.
Here is an analogy I like to use. Imagine you have been walking in the desert for days and days and you are BEYOND thirsty. Then all of a sudden, a man shows up and offers you all the water you want. You are soooooooooo crazed for water, you just drink it and think it’s the MOST AMAZING water you have EVER tasted. You are BEYOND GRATEFUL for this man helping you and giving you exactly what you have needed for so long. He looks and feels “angelic” to you.
The problem with this, is you are in sooooooo much scarcity that you don’t even THINK to check what is in the water and the pay attention to the person that is giving it to you. ANYONE in scarcity like that would NOT check. It’s a normal human response. BUT…the problem is, many times that water is toxic and harmful, but when you are in such scarcity, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get yourself to say NO to that water. Anything is better than nothing, right?
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard say some variation of “I’ve never been treated like this before! He is the first one to treat me like a princess. He actually compliments me and is so romantic and the sex is the best I’ve ever had….” Anytime I hear “It’s the first time ever….” I know how powerful that experience is for them. And 100% of the time, the thing they think makes their guy SOOOOOO AMAZING, is actually a fundamental, baseline quality, and how they should have been treated their entire lives. But that takes me back to this….that new experience of “being treated like a princess” is soooooo powerful, that is causes blinders and I watch them negotiate away the BIG RED FLAGS that are tell tale signs that a heart break is imminent…i.e. the water they are drinking is actually toxic and harmful.
I’m telling you this, because I am hearing the same tone from you. Again, I am NOT AT ALL saying this guy is giving you toxic water or is unhealthy in any particular way….only time will tell. I’m just saying that what you value about him, although amazing and beautiful, needs to be baseline and NOT the end all be all for you.
I hope this is making sense. My goal is to help keep you grounded more in the truth and how relationships function and help you connect to YOUR perspectives and experiences, so that you also DO NOT end up negotiating away the red flags you come across, just so you can keep being treated like a princess. It’s an incredibly powerful thing for all woman…BUT…if you start to strengthen your self-esteem and release the hurts from your past, THEN you become more internally strong, your standards become stronger and higher, and being treated like a princess will become a requirement – so much so, that you would rather be alone than to be treated any other way.
I hope I’m getting this concept across in the way that I intend. Trying to type it all out is tough! LOL. I’m used to teaching this to women live and allowing for their questions, so bear with me. If any of this is confusing or hits you in an uncomfortable way, talk to me about it.
I’d love to talk about what was happening for you, that you were choosing men who didn’t treat you well. Who in your life, contributed to your low standards and low self esteem?
Heidi
Hi Cindi!
Good job for getting a book and being willing to educate yourself more. I hope it helps!
Let me break this down for you. First and foremost, he is in survival mode. When anyone is in that mode, asking for anything from them beyond what they are offering will cause them to feel more stress and more tapped out. So your needs of wanting him to give you more right now, are not appropriate. He just doesn’t have it in him. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with him not setting proper boundaries for himself to keep himself more in balance. Why he does that, I don’t know, but it IS something to pay attention. This may be an unusual thing or it may be a pattern he does every summer. Something for you to explore.
The other thing to DEEPLY understand, is that men (in general) are so much more work oriented compared to relationship oriented. Women are the exact opposite. We are much more relationship oriented more than work oriented. We are just built differently. That is why women are the relationship caretakers and men are the providers (generally speaking). When a man gets tapped out, stressed about his job, unsure about his job or any flavor of that, it is VERY NORMAL for them to pull away and become less connective. I have seen it over and over and over again. They get sooooo caught up in trying to produce (which is their instinct) that their relationships tend to go down the toilet. So how your guy is behaving is within the NORMAL range of how most men would handle his situation. Does it make it right or okay? Of course not. What we women need to do is first….DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. And then, our job, as the the relationship caretaker – just like your heart is expressing in this statement I wish I knew how to be there for him, but I don’t and he says he doesn’t know what he needs and his head is a mess is to GENTLY pull them towards us to allow us to support them. What he NEEDS from you, is for you to take a backseat for just a bit. Meaning, he is in extreme overwhelm and needs help, NOT a woman who is needy. But the funny thing is about this is, although you are going to take a backseat for a bit, your needs will actually get met in this design as well. REMEMBER…this design is only temporary, NOT a permanent way to function in relationship.
How to support him is NOT by saying anything specific, but BEING something specific. Your guy’s head is a mess, so YOU need to represent that relaxing, supportive place he can connect into, to give himself a break. You are the respite from his hectic life right now. Right now, he sees you as a form of stress because he knows you are not happy and he feels like a failure which is why he keeps apologizing. So you need to change that. It means that you are going to have to take care of him MORE by being extra supportive right now. What does that look like?
NOT getting mad when he cancels the date. Sending him those wonderful, connective text messages throughout the day, and NOT getting upset if he doesn’t respond to you in the way you want. It means maybe dropping dinner or lunch off for him. It means maybe showing up late to his house and giving him a head massage or foot rub. It means leaving little written notes in his wallet where he will find it by surprise. It means hiring a house cleaner to clean his house. It means maybe going over to his place and doing his laundry. It means helping him out with his kids and giving him a little extra time to himself. It means buying him a massage. These are ALL things that ADD TO his life and support him in some sort of way. So your job is to figure out how you can help him. What can you do to make his life easier? What type of task can you do FOR HIM that will give him just a few more minutes of time? What can you do to help him relax a little more…even if for 10 minutes? And all the while, he will feel supported and like you are a gold mine that he wants to take care of in return. It might be a simple thank you, it might be that when you are giving him a foot run, he opens up to you about how stressed he feels, it might be that over enough time, he all of a sudden feels like can do EVERYTHING now, because he has your help. You need to feel like his TEAMMATE and not one more thing he has to take care of. When someone feels like they have a teammate, it strengthens them…and in return, hopefully they will be organically and naturally be more connective.
So what I suggest is that you table your need for reassurance. That is your own insecurity that you can work on yourself. He doesn’t have the capacity right now to try and fix you, when he is in survival mode. So how about shifting your purpose and instead of talking about what’s not working (which will just add to his stress) you spend that time trying to fill him back up, which will fill you back up naturally. If you guys were planning on a few hours to talk, plan something nourishing for him instead…a couples massage followed by dinner and sex or a picnic in the park…he loves nature, so get him in nature.
I feel like trying this approach FIRST, might actually end up helping you get BOTH your needs and his needs met at the same time. If this approach doesn’t work, THEN it would be time to have a little chat with him about how to navigate this differently.
So again, no talking. Just show him how much you love him, value him, and become that beautiful soft pillow and cozy warm blanket that he gets to look forward to. Use this phrase to guide you: small things often. What small things can you do often for him? It sounds like he is the kind of guy who will deeply appreciate that. And then when you keep filling him up, eventually he will have more to offer you.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Heidi!
I love that you are here asking for some help. Well done! We ALL have areas of weakness, but the smart ones resource themselves, which is exactly what you are doing.
I’m wondering if you have trouble communicating just your feelings, or is it a common pattern that spreads to other areas of your life? I’m also curious about how you do end up communicating. Does it just not come out right and you feel misunderstood a lot? Do you just have a tendency to not say things at all, because you are afraid? Do you know where your challenge with communication comes from?
As far as the specific categories you are asking about, it’s hard to offer ideas without more specific examples. For example, what are you specifically wanting to trigger with your questions? Compliments, appreciation and gratitude are pretty simple. Saying something like, “I love how you….” “I really notice how you do……and it makes me have a lot of respect for you.” “When you do…..it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.” “I appreciate sooooo much when you do…….because it helps me……” Simply just saying the words grateful and appreciate followed by the specific thing you are wanting to express is all that is really needed.
What is happening in your relationship that brings you here. Are you struggling with your person or are you here just to learn?
Heidi
I got mad when he said he was going kayaking for the afternoon, and said something about time magically appearing when it’s convenient, and he didn’t like that. This is what I am talking about with you saying something passive aggressive and it’s sabotaging your connection instead of being honest in a respectful, kind way. So what’s your plan? You guys are going to talk this weekend. What do you plan to say?
I just wish when I tell him that I need reassurance that he’d give me something to hang onto while we’re not talking. I miss it so much it hurts. What reassurance are you wanting from him? What does he need him to say for you to hang onto? And out of curiosity, how many times does he need to say it for you to feel solid in the connection?
If you are going to make this work with him, then he NEEDS to feel that you are going to be okay when he is busy and less available. Having a woman constantly needing his reassurance, making passive aggressive comments, putting walls up because she is upset at him, instead of talking with him….how you’re approaching this is going to sabotage the connection. Your hurt feelings are running the show and all it’s doing is upsetting him, causing him to feel more pressure and feeling like a failure, because he knows you are not happy. The thing is…he is NOT responsible for your happiness. That is YOUR job, so figuring out ways to soothe yourself and deal with your insecurities on your own, instead of looking to him for your security, THAT is what is going to make this connection successful. Are you willing to take some responsibility for your reaction here? Or are you going to blame him for all of how you feel, because he is not behaving in the way you want? Of course, he has some work to do, but so do you.
In order to work through this TOGETHER, it’s about YOU admitting your part in this as well…and he will admit his part and then you guys validate and acknowledge each other’s feelings and them figure out a different way to move through this. It’s important that you are VERY clear about exactly what you want. Give him examples. Let him know what lights you up. Let him know what keeps your heart open. Let him even know that as busy as he is, you deeply respect his work ethic and want to support that. So ask him what YOU can do for him as well? How can you help him feel less overwhelmed?
Also, it is CRUCIAL that although you loved your connection best BEFORE his busy season, that is NOT where you guys are right now. If you pine after wanting what was in the past, you are NOT dealing with what is happening right in front of you. Stop wishing for the past, embrace the cards you are dealt with RIGHT NOW, and create a NEW design of connection that works for both of you. STAY IN THE PRESENT.
Does this help with how you can approach your conversation?
Heidi
Hi Eve,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here, opening up yourself to learning new ways to approach him.
First, help me understand a little more about what he said. At 3 months, it seems quite fast to be talking about moving in together. How did this topic develop?
What specific issues did he say would be too complicated to overcome?
I would agree with you in that it sounds more like an excuse and a way out vs. a true, valid reason to end things. If he just lost energy for it, which is not uncommon, there is something deep inside of HIM that is blocking his desire to stay connected and go deeper and deeper with someone. Do you know his history with relationships? Past lovers? With his parents and/or siblings?
What happens A LOT is someone may think they want to go deep and connect with someone, but they actually have some pretty strong programming AGAINST that deep connection, that lives in their subconscious…so they don’t even know it’s there. What happens is that programming (that is full of fear about connecting deeply) will sabotage connection in various ways and the person has NO CLUE what is really going on…all they know is they feel a certain way and they will act on those feelings. So if he is terrified of deep love and connection because his parents were critical or judgmental towards him his whole life, he will NOT be open to opening up and connecting deeply with anyone…no matter how much he thinks he wants it. I can’t tell you how many times I have this exact scenario play out, and no one understands what’s happening. One day things are great and then all of a sudden, the connection is broken with no real valid reason.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m so sorry it’s heading in this direction. Of course you feel awful and of course, this is hard. You can do this though!
What I DO NOT want to see you do, is letting the resentment build up. If you don’t deal with it, you will explode at some point and cause some serious damage. You say you guys would be okay if you continued to communicate, but you are not holding up your end of the bargain. You are hurt and getting more and more frustrated and becoming passive-aggressive and THAT is about you and your choice to not set boundaries or communicate your needs in a way that supports you.
Even when I try to tell him how I’m feeling, he’ll say something like thank you for sharing that with me” without reciprocation, reassurance or telling me how he feels about me, which is odd for him. What feelings are you sharing? Are you asking him how HE is feeling and what HIS experience is as well? One of the BIGGEST mistakes people face when sharing their feelings, is they wait for the other person to make them feel better, care about them, and apologize in some way. What is missing here is YOU saying “This is how I’m feeling and I’m not okay continuing like this. How can we work together better? I know you feel like you are being pulled in a million directions. I can also tell you that if you and I don’t take care of each other during this time, we won’t make it….and I really want to. So how about we talk about how to navigate this better, because I am reaching my breaking point.” And then get VERY SPECIFIC, by giving him examples of what doesn’t work well for you and offer a solution as to what he can do instead to help you. For example, he canceled your date, which of course is frustrating, but would you feel better if he made effort to reschedule it? That would be something to share with him…instead of canceling and leaving you hanging, he needs to have awareness about how that made you feel and then set up another time and MAKE SURE he doesn’t do it again. You can only be canceled on so many times before the trust is completely broken, because he can’t follow through with what he says he is going to do. That is integrity and without integrity, trust and safety cannot exist.
He said he felt terrible for not knowing how to make everything work, but I just didn’t really reciprocate much because he cancelled our date night. I didn’t feel like telling him that I wished k could be there to comfort him like I normally would, because what’s the point? This is the passive-aggressive part that is actually going to shoot you in the foot. All you are thinking about here is about how YOU feel. What about him? When you think about challenges you guys are facing, he is experiencing so much stress trying to keep everyone happy AND feeling like a failure at it…and that includes you. He IS failing at making you happy, but what solutions have you offered to him to HELP HIM HELP YOU? He needs a helping hand. He needs to know that when he becomes less available, that you can pull the best out in him and NOT become one more person he fails to make happy. He knows you are unhappy, that’s clear. What is also clear, is he IS making small attempts and you are keeping the door closed to connecting with him, because you are still upset about him canceling the date. You holding onto this anger and hurt and pulling away your connection, is actually just compounding the issue and NOT helping you get what you want. You need to make a choice to let be connective with him, even when you are hurt. You need to make a choice to fight for yourself WITH him, instead of putting up a wall, waiting for him to fix this with you. You need to honor that this is really tough for him as well and he is doing the very best he can right now AND he also has some learning to do about you. He is not being malicious or abusive or harmful…he is just being overwhelmed. So how can YOU support him as well? It may mean that for the summer, you have to go with the flow more if he needs to cancel your dates. It may mean that you guys find other smaller ways to stay connected for now. For example, there is this great app Marco Polo. They have a free version. It’s a video messaging app. It’s like walkie talkie with someone. You have thoughts, so you record a quick video or voice message. They listen to it when they can and then send a message back. It’s an amazing way to stay connected to busy people. I record and listen to my messages while I’m driving, which helps me a TON, because I am so busy. But in my car, I can send quick messages to my circle of people. Something like this could help you guys.
The only way for this to work is for you to get his attention and speak up and then you BOTH have a very honest conversation about if and how you guys can navigate this. You can say something like in a VERY soft tone…”Listen my love. We need to connect. I’m having a really hard time with how little we are connecting. I know you are being pulled in a million directions and I know you feel overwhelmed. I really would love to sit down and talk about how I can best support you and get a clear picture about what you need from me over the summer and vice versa. It just feels like we are on different pages and the longer we stay there, the more confusion there is. I’d love to get on the same page as you. Is there a time you can set aside for us, uninterrupted?? Maybe we can go somewhere romantic and have some fun together at the same time?” Is it possible to book a hotel? Can you both find sitters, so you guys can make a night of it? Just a thought.
All you can do is make these attempts and hopefully he responds to them. If he doesn’t, then it really is about you deciding what needs to happen FOR YOU. He just may not offer enough for what you need during his busy season and you may decide to let him go. I’d love to see you both compromise here though. It sounds like he is still invested in you.
And Cindi, we are here for you! The moment you are feeling hurt, frustrated, angry or sad, let us know! We are experts for you to bounce your ideas off of, help you through the sticky times, and offer different perspectives. We are an instant resource for you, so use it to help you through this!
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I wanted to check in and see how things are going for you guys. How did your weekend together go? I’m so curious what happened and if you talked with him about your feelings.
Heidi
Hi Marcia,
How is it going? I have no idea when he is visiting, but do you feel more comfortable and clear about how to approach this? Do you have any other questions?
Heidi
Hi Misty,
I wanted to check in and see how your situation is coming along. Do you have any thoughts about what I said? I’d love to help you navigate this.
Heidi
Hi Marcia,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here seeking guidance. You are asking a very good question.
First, there is no way to know what will happen once he arrives. The challenge about long distance relationships is that you only see a snapshot of who they are. You have no idea what their regular habits are, how they treat others, what they are like when they are angry, what their hygiene is like, how they drive….all kinds of details that matter. All you know about him and him and about you, is through conversation only. And even that can be questioned. You never truly know if someone has integrity until you see that their words match their actions. So trying to decide whether or not you should be friends or something romantic, is impossible until you see how you guys navigate being in the same space together.
Be cautious and discerning. 4 days is hardly enough to know someone in person. Trying to develop a deep, meaningful, integrous relationship who you barely see, is a pretty HUGE barrier to overcome. Just wait and see and don’t feel like you have to rush anything. Your heart is sacred and valuable and if you hand it over easily to someone who hasn’t shown you that he can be trusted with something so precious, you are setting yourself up for A LOT of hurt down the road.
One thing to keep in the forefront of your mind is this: relationships break because of how a people show up when they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. I have seen and experienced this countless times over the years where the connection is amazing, until an argument or stress enters into the connection. The dark side of a person gets activated and it ends up being harmful. Someone might be very critical and judgmental, they might put walls up and become unavailable to talk, they might become verbally or physically abusive….you just never know what someone is like when they are hurt, angry, or stressed. How people treat each other during these very challenging times, is what will either support safety and trust, or break it. I always encourage people who are dating, to BE DISCERNING. Just because the connection is incredible when things are good, DOES NOT MEAN the connection will stay healthy when things are bad…so hold onto your heart, DO NOT open the flood gates of your heart until you see how you both handle navigating the challenges that show up.
One thing I suggest is paying SUPER CLOSE attention to how they talk about the hard times in their life. You said he has been through the wringer with loss and heartache. The way you are saying it, makes me think that he may be still carrying a lot of hurt about all of it. If that is true, then that tells you he is someone who doesn’t know how to let go of the past. He isn’t forgiving and released whatever has happened, so that means 2 things….YOU are going to be dealing with all of that baggage he is bringing with him AND when you hurt him, you will be lumped into that BIG ball of pain he is carrying around and he will have some really big reactions to it, because he won’t be able to separate you from the others who have caused him pain. Of course we ALL have baggage from our past, we all have triggers, we all have over-reactions, but it’s HOW we deal with them, that will make or break our connections.
Does this make sense? Does this help give you an idea about how to approach his visit?
Heidi
I also talked to my friend about it yesterday and she was helpful in telling me (also) that my thought process about everything happening was perfectly reasonable considering the path that we’re on, and this conversation, too. I’m going to only sort of agree with this. For a woman, it’s not unreasonable to already be thinking about moving in together and marriage. For a man, not so much. 5 months IS pretty fast for having that kind of conversation. I know you were insinuating “someday” and you weren’t trying to have the actual conversation about it, but even introducing the idea is a bit fast for 5 months. The beauty that men bring to connection, is they help us slow things down…which is a great thing! So make sure that when you have your conversation, you DO NOT talk about moving in together…even down the road. You guys will cross that bridge when you come to it. For right now, the ONLY focus is to learn about him and for him to learn about you. THAT’S IT! No agenda other than that. AND….one thing men really appreciate, is if you tell them what you need in a CLEAR and CONCISE way. For example, a much better response he could have had to your text would have been: “LOL! My mind really isn’t quite there yet, but I’m hoping we will get there at some point. I do love your decorating taste!”
AND…his response would not be unusual for a guy who is REALLY busy. I know you are used to him being one way, but heading into the busy season, focusing on work and being less available is going to be normal for him. When a guy gets focused on work, it is VERY normal for him to have less connective responses…it’s NOT normal for women though. We are sooooo built for relationship and connection that even when we are busy, we are more conscious and connective compared to men.
I just want to make sure I’m keeping connection and communication open even when things are crazy and we can’t talk all the time so that we don’t become so distant that we don’t know how to communicate and be there for each other like we usually do. You know, why don’t you make this the main topic of conversation. Instead of trying to understand his response, what if you just focused on how you guys can navigate his busy season and still have BOTH your needs being met. Communication is going to be important throughout this season, be HE needs to be VERY clear about what will work for you and vice versa.
For example, you could say something like this: “I just wanted to talk about this summer season coming up. I know it’s going to be really busy for you. I am very used to you being more available because we’ve gotten to know each other during your slow season. I know in the summer, you are going to be less available and I completely understand that and want to support that. The last thing I want is to be that “needy” girlfriend who is always wanting attention from you. So I thought we could talk about ways for us to stay connected, even though you are going to be crazy busy.” And then in this conversation, you can bring up his response to your text and how it triggered you, but you do it in a way that is teaching him what doesn’t work well for you.
For example you could say: “When I texted you, your response felt a bit judgmental and disconnected. This triggered me and caused me to shut down and put walls up. I understand this is just going to happen to sometimes, especially when you are really busy. So what will work better for me, is maybe if there is something on a deeper level, talk to me about it in person or text back when you are not busy. What would have worked is even if you said “I would like to get there someday with you. I do love your decorative taste.” So basically you are teaching him what doesn’t work and then showing him what DOES work.
Do you see how this focuses on the core issue here? Because the core issue is NOT about him not wanting to move in with you or being on the same page, because everything you are telling me, he is SHOWING you that you guys are on the same page. The CORE issue was his lack of heart in his response.
So…moving forward, you guys need to figure out how to navigate the summer. You need to have patience and understand he is just not going to have his heart as available and he needs to understand that he is going to need to put a little more of his heart in his responses, in order to keep feeding the connection. So how does this work? That’s up to you guy to create and experiment.
Here are some guidelines:
1. Maybe come up with some code words that you both understand. So let’s say you text him and he wants to respond, but he is just so busy and doesn’t have time to give you the kind of answer you want, be he wants you to know he will respond later. So maybe the code word is: “Peacock”. It’s silly, it’s fun and it can also be symbolic. The male peacock struts around with his GORGEOUS feathers to attract the woman…and him working so hard to have his business flourish and thrive is HIS version of spreading his feathers because it’s an attractive quality to a woman. Do you see what I am getting at? It’s a sweet 1 or 2 word response that is easy for him to text you, that will make you smile and still feel connected, but it’s also an agreement that your question will be addressed later.
2. Also come up with 1 or 2 words code words that have a deeper meaning you both, that just lets you guys know you are thinking about each other. So if he texts you: “corvette” (it’s a very sexy car) it lets you know he is craving sex with you. If you text him “banana” it lets him know you are desiring him. If he texts you “teddy bear” it lets you know he is looking forward to coming home and holding you. This is a VERY fun, easy way to help him stay connected with you through 1 or 2 word texts that have a deeper meaning and also respects his very busy schedule. Does this make sense?
3. Set up a date night that is non-negotiable. His work is NOT allowed to get in the way of date night. This can be the time you get to look forward to, where you guys are not interrupted and a time that HE protects to connect with you. How often and when, is up to you guys, but it’s important. But it needs to be a time that he does NOT negotiate away. It can be an early morning breakfast, a hike, even a few hours of intimacy. Get creative with this. Let him know that this will help you a TON to feel connected with him during his busy season. It will help YOU support him in his busy season. Guys are pretty ignorant…they get mad their woman is becoming “needy” when they are busy, but they don’t get how much they are NOT connecting with their woman outside of work. It’s a really simple solution. If the guy just gave his woman some FOCUSED time where he makes her valuable and that she matters, the woman will give him all the space he needs. So teach him this!
And in the end, have an action plan and being to implement it and see if it works. As you guys move through it, you will find the areas it works and doesn’t work, so agree that NO MATTER WHAT, if something isn’t working, you BOTH come back to the drawing board and create a new plan. There is NO JUDGMENT about what doesn’t work. You both just accept that this is a creative process and you both want to set yourselves up for success as his buys season approaches.
Does this help?
Heidi
