Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I am not so cruel as to want to manipulate another person into desiring me. I didn’t mean to insinuate it’s a bad thing all the time. Let me say this a different way. We ALL are manipulative in what we say and do when dating…especially in the beginning, because we want to put our best foot forward in order to attract the other person. We wear certain clothes, we act in a certain way, we are flirty and so on. I think manipulation becomes cruel when someone’s intention behind the manipulation becomes purposefully harmful or controlling. For example, it’s taught to make the guy feel like a hero by activating his “hero instinct” and how to go about that. That’s manipulation, because a woman is coming up with a scenario to ask for his helps so they can reconnect. It’s an indirect way to get what she wants which is connection with him and to make him feel good. That’s manipulation, right? But it doesn’t do any harm AND it teaches the woman how to be a better partner. The cruel form of manipulation is when she does the same exact thing, but her intention is to get to control him. I know this well, as I used to be quite masterful at this. I knew sooooo much about men and because of the wounds I carried around, sometimes I weaponized it. I watched myself do it, NOT liking the person I was being, but I did it anyways. Those times were CRUCIAL for me, because I saw what I was capable of and it scared me…which pushed me even further into wanting to heal more. At the core, I just wanted to love and be loved, so I HAD to connect to heal that part of myself, so I didn’t cause harm to others. Part of loving ourselves Natasha, is accepting our shadow side. You said that you are a people pleaser. This is a form of manipulation as well. You sacrifice your needs and give others what THEY want so they will like you and accept you. So basically, manipulation shows up when are NOT being our authentic, empowered selves. To put it more simply, it’s our coping mechanisms. Our coping mechanisms get established as a child, as learn how to survive life. Those coping mechanisms are with us for the rest of our lives, but what changes as we heal those wounds, is HOW we take care of ourselves when those coping mechanisms get activated. So when I get rejected or triggered, I absolutely still have that part of me that wants to take over and manipulate, but my ADULT side is much stronger and says “Nope. This is not how we are going to handle this. I choose kindness and love. I choose forgiveness.” And then I work on healing the part of me that is hurt. If it’s too strong, I have people that know how to help me. Does this make a little more sense? Let’s keep talking about this.
You have a lot of really beautiful thoughts and questions! I say they are beautiful, because it’s your subconscious showing you exactly what you are carrying around and what is impacting your experiences. These questions are entry points into a rabbit hole that has every answer you are looking for, you just have to know how to get there.
I want to be a femme fatale, sexy and alluring, but at the end of the day that isn’t me. I care so deeply and have a big heart that I want to share. At times I have wondered if there is a biological component to attraction and that I miss a key pheromone. You CAN be all of this, BUT sexy and alluring has a different flavor to everyone. For some, it’s intense, commanding, and strong. For others, it’s soft and flowy. Because we are all so different and unique, that femme fatale will express itself differently. What do YOU imagine the femme fatale energy looks like that you are wanting to be and feel?
If you took a look at my sad and pathetic story outlined above, the latest epic failure and humiliation, you may see how foolish I really am How in the world are you ever supposed to know where you have blind spots, unless you go through these experiences? That is the greatest gift of pain. If you want to love and be loved deeply, then you have to know where those blind spots exist, so you can work on them. I know it’s a super tough way to learn. What I DON’T want to see you do, is let it defeat you. You are not alone. THOUSANDS of people have these same realizations and all it is, is a wake up call. You can either answer that call and get into action, or you can stay exactly where you at. It’s up to you. What do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?
I am by nature a people pleaser and I have often wondered if it stems from an overbearing mother, German grandparents with harsh standards, and the pressures of being a big sister – one so adored and looked up to. Of course your family shaped you this way. Well, you were born this way as our coping mechanisms are just an expression of our personality, but the trauma and programming will magnify our coping mechanisms. You learned that in order to survive, you would do everything you could to be there for everyone else and to be what everyone else wanted…and it has worked! AND…as we get older and try to build our own relationships, what worked for us back then, is now harming us. Does this make sense?
Sometimes I wonder how someone so well traveled, who lived a year abroad and speaks three languages (albeit with varied proficiency) and highly educated can be so afraid of men and give them the power over my own psyche? You ARE confident, intelligent, and powerful and many areas of your life! Make sure you celebrate that!!! In the relationship department, you are struggling. I can’t tell you how common this is. I have worked with millionaires, top CEOs etc. that say the same exact thing. Love is like no other force in the world and it will activate and shine a light on ALL of your “fault” lines…the cracks in your system where lies, programming, limitations, and fears live. So for most people, they really struggle with love. They figured out how to be very successful in the other areas of their lives, but love is a VERY different journey.
I have wondered if I imagine my draw to him because I fear spinsterhood Most people do. And THAT is the exact place you need to step into if you are going to TRULY heal. Throughout my dating life, I found the dry spells incredibly uncomfortable, but I also knew that it was a place that needed healing. Then life answered my call. I moved to Tennessee and for the first time in my life, not a single guy was looking at me (I always had men looking at me, asking me out etc.). After a few months, I remember asking myself “How do I know I’m a woman, unless I have a man letting me know I’m a woman?” Light bulb moment for sure. I realized HOW MUCH I was defining my femininity through the attention of men. So..for the next 3 years (the longest dry spell I had ever had up to that time) I had to sit in that feeling and reshape myself. I tried to date, but it never worked. I was rejected more than I had ever been and I didn’t understand it. AND….I grew into a new person…the person I had always wanted to become…which was solid in KNOWING my worth and value, separate than any man, any boss, any friend. Wow! It was tough, but I’m here to tell you…the greatest healing lives in the place you want to avoid the most.
The heart to heart — I agree that you have to love and respect yourself. You have to honor your boundaries. But isn’t nice to know that someone else respects your uniqueness too? Of course it’s nice! AND…can you still feel that about yourself 100% when someone is NOT respecting your uniqueness? That’s when you know you TRULY respect yourself, through and through. I feel that about myself. When I get rejected or am not respected, sometimes it pulls me out of my truth, but I get back to loving and respecting very quickly. That is what emotional health looks like. Knowing how to get aligned with truth and stay empowered, even in the midst of challenge.
I would never admit this, but I am so envious of my sister. She is so confident in herself and has such easy charisma. She doesn’t fear that her boyfriend will one day leave her. He treats her so well and with such respect and adoration. I do not know what she does differently than me… I get it. It’s so incredibly hard to see someone else have what you want. I’m hear to tell you…YOU have your own uniqueness and charisma that special to you too. She may have figured out how to express is easier, but it doesn’t mean she has something you don’t. Her journey is meant to be different than yours. Her struggles are meant to be different than hers. Honor her path AND honor yours as well.
It feels like you are on the precipice of wanting to break through some barriers Natasha. I’m happy to send you the info. of my coach. She is BRILLIANT. I have never presented her with anything that she wasn’t able to help me break through. I have seen a TON of different therapist and she BY FAR surpassed all of their abilities combined. I get more done with her in 10 minutes that I would with an entire hour with other therapists. She is not for the faint of heart though. She will help you get where you want to go, but it’s not an easy journey. You have to be willing to dive in and face the pain, so you can release it. She is an incredible guide that can help you, if you feel ready. If yes, I will send you an email with her information.
Heidi
Hi Natasha,
Let’s talk about a few things here:
We are looking for the missing piece of the puzzle or the magic key to unlock the heart of “our person.” We are looking for sound advice on what to do next without mucking it up. Is this how you feel? If you think about it, anyone looking for this type of answer is looking for some kind of formula to make sure something turns out the way THEY want. There is NOTHING specific needed to “unlock” anything. The “right” person that you are meant to take a journey with – IF it’s a healthy connection – is a person who will be inspired by you…just as you are. It’s not about you doing or being anything specific. It’s about you being you, them being them – and then the magic happens when the authentic you mixes with their authentic self and creates something beautiful. No games, no manipulation, no keys to unlock, nothing to “do”….JUST BEING! Any type of “forcing” or “convincing” or trying to make the situation happen in the way YOU want…that is an INSTANT sign that you are working from a place of woundedness. When 2 people come together in a HEALTHY, clear way, there is no forcing. Everything unfolds organically. BOTH people are on the same page and it’s effortless. So anyone trying to figure out how to bend a situation in a way that they want, they are looking for the other person to fill a hole within themselves. They want the other person to do the work and complete them, instead of doing it themselves.
I think there is a perception that we need a tutorial on how to use the tips and tricks on this forum/website and that there must be a basic one size fits all formula that can be adapted if we just knew how There are a gazillion layers to relationships, love, and everything in between. I have over 3 decades of reading, experimenting, and coaching. The one thing I DO know is that as much as I know, love is limitless and my learning will last forever. If there was one thing I could tell you that has benefited me the most…it’s the journey within. The more I got to know myself…my traumas, my deep beliefs around love, my programming, my baggage and how all of that expressed itself in my daily life…I more easily was able to understand others. Even though we are all unique, we are all fundamentally the same as well. We ALL have coping mechanisms and those coping mechanisms get activated by rejection, anger, hurt etc. So understanding myself meant I could understand everyone else – and because I could see behind the veil of behaviors, words, tones of voice, body language, decisions people made etc. I was able to step into any situation with my eyes wide open. Very rarely have I been fooled in my life and it’s saved me a TON of heartache. It’s worth getting to know every inch of yourself.
But sometimes it also boils down to the desire to have the other person give you the respect of an honest heart to heart. This is what is called “external locus of control.” It’s relying on the “other” to make you feel better. That a bandaid. A healthy person operates from an “internal locus of control.” That means they source themselves. They meet their own needs and don’t rely on others to say or be anything specific for them to feel good. A universal rule to live by….never ask for something from someone else, that you are not willing to give yourself. So in reality, if a person truly respected themselves, they wouldn’t need someone else to respect them. Does this make sense?
And I do look forward in undertaking that journey myself. I’m curious…what does this journey look like to you? What are you wanting to undertake? How are you going to go about it?
Heidi
Hi Natasha,
I have not read your previous posts, so I don’t know what is happening in your situation. I just wanted to pop in and answer this wonderful question. You might be surprised that the majority of people that we work with, are NOT interested in letting go of what they want, regardless of all the red flags we point out.
First, it’s important to understand why this is happening in the first place. At the core, what the person TRULY wants, is to get out of pain. They think that the fastest way to go about that, is to get back what they lost. They want that quick “fix.” The thing is, it’s just a bandaid. Yes, getting back what they lost will relieve the pain, but 99% of the time, they will end up back in loss again, because the underlying core issue that caused the loss in the first place, is never truly addressed.
Connection is a very sneaky “drug.” Most people are connecting from a place of woundedness and they don’t even know it. I’ll use myself as an example. When I was younger and through my early 20s, the “bad boy” type was all I was interested in. It entertained me, it challenged me to get their attention, and most of all…it validated my worth when I finally caught them. My father set up this pattern for me. He was emotionally unavailable – just like the bad boy type of guy. They starve a person with their lack of interest and then when they DO give attention, it’s like a BIG glass of water after being in the desert for days without water. It’s the SAME EXACT pattern addicts go through. They go through withdrawal and all they can think about is getting that fix again, regardless of the consequences. It’s powerful! So with the addiction to unhealthy/toxic connection it’s called trauma bonding. And it’s INCREDIBLY powerful! I knew exactly what I was doing back then, and I still did it anyways, because the program was sooooo strong in me. It took doing a lot of healing work to break free from that pattern – essentially I went to “emotional rehab” and did the REAL work to change my choices that were just keeping me in the cycle of rejection. That is what most people are not willing to do. They want the quick fix and are not interested in doing the REAL work that will actually truly heal their heart.
Here is a great video about trauma bonding: https://youtu.be/HRREbjsq3jY?si=uYHeeonwRntrJmVx
As a coach, something I ALWAYS have to accept is that people are done when THEY are done…not when I tell them they “should” be done. Pain is one of the greatest motivators on the planet. So if someone wants to keep stepping back into a situation that continuously causes them pain, then they get to do that and I WANT them to feel that pain, so that they eventually get to a point where they make a different choice. Just like an addict, they need to hit “bottom” sometimes….and some never do. It just means they have a VERY high pain tolerance, which is directly related to how much low self-esteem they have. The higher the pain tolerance, the more low self-esteem they have.
So understanding all of this, I would honor whatever choice they want to make and if they want to keep working with me, I would spend a lot of time educating them about what is REALLY happening underneath the surface of their choices and help them discover what is sourcing their need to engage in behaviors and choices that are causing them harm eventually. Most people just naively follow how they feel. They feel a strong connection with someone and they act on that, despite the red flags. What people need to do is learn how to be more discerning. I ALWAYS ask myself, “why am I attracted to this guy?” I explore that question DEEPLY, BEFORE I really step into any kind of connection with them. I want to make sure that I am not coming from a place of “need” or “scarcity.” I want clear, wise, conscious connections. I want to make sure that by connecting with a guy, I am NOT negotiating away any of standards and non-negotiable. I want to make sure that I am NOT looking for that guy to fix or fill any part of me. I can’t tell you how many times I was SUPER attracted to a guy simply because I was bored, or just wanted something different in my life. Because attraction is attraction, so trying to differentiate between a healthy attraction and an unhealthy attraction takes someone knowing themselves deeply, because what is sourcing the attraction, is coming from the subconscious…a place the majority of people have no clue how to access or understand. So I would teach about that process of learning how to connect to what is driving their connection and how to be more discerning. The rule of thumb ALWAYS: DO NOT let your feelings/emotions guide you! Our emotions are NOT the facts. They are symptoms of something MUCH deeper that needs to be explored in order to TRULY understand the meaning behind the feelings.
Basically, I would work more indirectly by helping them become more internally strong, more emotionally intelligent, and more skilled at handling the stress they are choosing to engage with. I would help them clear the wounding and baggage that is causing so much low self-esteem. But like anything, a person has to be WILLING to take that journey. What I would NOT do, is to help them find ways to get back what they lost. That’s like joining an alcoholic with several glasses of alcohol – basically supporting the addiction. So people like that, usually fall away and find someone else who will support them the way they want and that’s okay. That’s their journey :).
I know Spyce will have her own answer to this question as well. I hope this was a helpful perspective for you. It’s a great question and well done for asking it!
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I love how much you are feeling safe and connected with him. It’s truly beautiful! I understand how powerful this kind of connection feels and also how impossible it feels to take things slow. All you want to do is soak it all in, because it feels so amazing! I get it.
Let me give you a reason to slow things down. The faster you guys go, the odds of an ending GREATLY increases. If you both truly want to create a relationship and connection that sustains itself, going slow will set you guys up success.
It’s also important to understand that right now, you guys are in the honeymoon phase. It’s sooooo beautiful and powerful AND it’s fantasy land. Everything feels amazing and it’s VERY easy to start imagining your life with the person and feeling “He’s the one.” While that is a common type of reaction, another part of you ALSO needs to come in and remind yourself, YOU BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER.
As wonderful as he is, you truly DO NOT know someone until you have seen them in their worst. He may not be so wonderful in his worst, most stressful moments. He may become critical, verbally abusive, judgmental, controlling, manipulative, or unavailable. You just don’t know AND….he doesn’t know about you either. We ALL have coping mechanisms…a shadow side that is really difficult to deal with and many times, destroys connection, safety, and trust.
Here is a VERY common pattern….a couple strongly bonds in the honeymoon phase and they can’t see or will ignore the red flags in each other. Then fantasy land wears off and those red flags become more prominent as the couple faces reality…arguing, different opinions, insecurities etc. Going from fantasy land and “everything is wonderful” to all of a sudden seeing their dark side is a HUGE jump and causes a lot of feelings of betrayal in a way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “He wasn’t like this in the beginning” or “He said he loved me…why won’t he talk to me about what’s happening?” and so betrayal moves into the situation because who they were so invested in the fantasy of their partner and completely ignoring all the red flags that would have shown them right from the start, that the guy they are choosing has committment issues.
So let’s talk about what it actually means to slow things down. It doesn’t mean you don’t keep having all the experiences you guys are creating together. Enjoy it! At the same time, stay grounded in the reality that there are MANY things you don’t know about him. Stay grounded in the reality that he has not EARNED all of your heart yet. You DO NOT know that he is a safe person to give all of yourself to. Of course he has earned part of you, because he is treating you really well. But hold yourself back some and observe and watch. Going slow means being OBJECTIVE. Going slow means being VERY AWARE of the red flags and paying attention to them.
So here is what that might look like. I personally have a system in place that allows me to see more about a person – see behind the veil so to speak. I have VERY SPECIFIC questions I am asking, I purposefully put them in challenging situations and watch how they handle it, I introduce them to specific people and animals to see what they are like. What I am looking for is integrity. I want to see that what they say about themselves aligns with their actions in ALL situations.
Here are a few examples of questions I ask: What was your reputation in high school? Tell me about your biggest heartbreak. What did you do? Tell me about the biggest thing you ever did to hurt someone else? What are you like when you are angry? What’s the worst phase in your life that you went through and how did you get through it? Of course I don’t ask all of these things all at one. I scatter them throughout regular conversation. I want to listen to their tone of voice when they talk about the challenging type of moments they’ve had in their life. I want to know what they DID to help themselves through that moment. It helps me see their level of emotional intelligence. I want to see if there are any heavy emotions that get activated when I ask these questions. It tells me whether or not they have actually worked through the feelings or just buried them.
Here is a stressful situation I put a guy through (on purpose), to see how he would respond. He showed up at my door and I was not ready. It took me 30 minutes to finish up. We left to head on our date and about 20 minutes in, I claimed I had left a candle burning and we had to go back. Our plans had to completely change because I had used up all the time we needed to get to our destination, so we ended up just going to lunch. At lunch I spilled my water all over him. After lunch, we got ice cream and I dropped mine in his car and it got all over the place. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing his patience and his ability to go with the flow to see how he would handle me and himself. It gave me insight into the kind of responses he has to stress, because all of those things, while frustrating and irritating, are NOTHING compared to the real challenges in life. So it gave me a little window into his shadow side.
Here’s the thing Lisa…every single one of us has a beautiful side AND a dark side. You cannot know if someone is “the one” until you have seen ALL of them and they have seen ALL of you. The beautiful side is easy. That is NOT where relationships break. They break because of our dark sides. So slowing down means staying connected to reality instead of getting swept up in the fantasy of the honeymoon phase and investing ALL of yourself with someone you barely know.
Also…I want to encourage you to step away from “the one” type of idea. There is no such thing. Sure, there are couples that last forever, but there are also couples that don’t. This fantasy of “the one” completely negates that people change, grow, and come closer and further apart from each other. You cannot predict “forever.” No one can. The forever couples WORK at it. The forever couples grow together. There is A LOT of research that goes into this topic and what they ALL come up with, is that it’s a choice when it comes down to it. But it’s a choice between BOTH people. You can control your side of things, but you cannot make him choose to fight for you. So instead of believing in “the one” as if it’s this forever connection, I like to say “the one for now.” That is the truth. For today…he is “the one” for you. And he will be that every single day, until he isn’t. I’ve seen couples married for 30 years and break up. I’ve seen couples madly in love for a decade and they lose a child and then lose each other. I’ve seen amazing couples break up because of job losses, Covid, financial stress, family stress and the list goes on. So this “I death do us part” kind of vow is a promise that not a single person can ever guarantee they will keep. Life happens and we just never know what is going to show up each day.
Your best bet for success is growing and learning about yourself and picking a partner that does the same. Your best bet is PAYING ATTENTION to the red flags instead of brushing them off, because you would rather stay connected. Your best bet to is truly honor and love your very sacred heart, by being discerning with who you allow to hold it.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Shannon!
Welcome. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story with us. There are a lot of layers here to work through and address, so stick with me. You are dealing with MANY things. Being a doctor, you understand that rarely is anything straight forward. A symptom is typically an expression of something much deeper happening, so my goal is to guide you towards the core issues, if you are willing to go there.
Let’s start with this: I am a really good catch. I am a doctor and have been very successful in my career. I am compassionate and empathetic. I am very pretty and very fit, fitness is my passion. I am in touch with myself and confident. I am fun. I am adventurous and love to travel. I love trying new things. . I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you know and feel all of these things about yourself. You have some great self-esteem. AND while you believe all of things about yourself, when it comes to love and relationships, these beliefs are not in the driver’s seat of your decision making with love. We all have high and low self-esteem, but it varies according to the areas of our lives and where we have been successful and not successful. My guess is, in the area of love, you didn’t have the best kind of role modeling and healthy, safe connection in your primary years. I say this because the men you have chosen to invite into your inner circle – the sacred space of your heart – are BOTH emotionally unavailable. I imagine this is being addressed with your therapist though.
I’ll just be quite simple and basic here. You chose to stay in a loveless marriage. That put you in a HUGE amount of scarcity, so when this new guy came along, it was like drinking your first glass of water after being in the desert for soooooo long. The thing is, because you were in scarcity, you were just thankful for that glass of water and didn’t look at what was in the water. Of course you did the though…I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t. Now that you have taken a step back, have hindsight, you are able to see where there were mis-steps and where he is not turning out to be the kind of man you thought. BASICALLY, your deep core programming about love, is gunked up and full of low self-esteem.
Someone with high self-esteem has standards. You are successful at work, because you have required quality from yourself and those around you. Someone with high self-esteem, does not engage long term with low quality. So your standards when it comes to love, are more reflective of the lower thoughts you feel about yourself, NOT the confident woman who knows she is a catch. Do you see the disconnect here between your beliefs about yourself and the choices you are making about who you allow into your inner circle? They don’t match – and any time our beliefs and actions don’t match, that basically means we have 2 parts of ourselves we are dealing with. One part is the adult – the adult part of you KNOWS your value. The other part is the child, wounded part that is still holding onto hurt and fear from the past. That part carries the low self-esteem. So…the part that is in the driver’s seat, is whichever part is stronger. For you, your child part is much stronger and navigating you when it comes to picking who to love. Does this make sense?
You ask what you should do? Well that’s a tricky one. I know the adult part of you, that is connected to your value, knows EXACTLY what to do. That part of you has standards as to how you are treated and who you hand your heart to. This guy does not have integrity in his words and actions. He is confused and clearly NOT available for you, or anyone else for that matter. He would much rather be in relationship with his guilt and shame, than to face how unhappy he is. And he gets to do that! You know the answer to your question Shannon. The thing is, it’s NOT your adult part that is asking the question. It’s your child, wounded part that is asking the question. It’s the child part that is holding onto him, because he made you feel something brand new…and you are not sure it’s possible again, so what you are REALLY asking is, how can I get him back? How can I feel safe and loved and valued by him again? How can I feel fought for again? How can I have my dream guy back again? The hard truth is…you don’t. The hard truth is, HE filled a hole in you for a while. Anytime someone else fills a hole within us, eventually it will fall apart, because it’s relying on someone or something else to make us happy – and that’s not how true, long lasting happiness gets established. YOU have to fill that hold within yourself – no exceptions – there is no way around this.
You know as a mother, that when your child is about to do something they REALLY want, but you KNOW it’s not safe, your mama bear energy comes up and you protect them. Even if you child is kicking and screaming at you, you KNOW that what you are doing for them is keeping them safe from getting hurt, right? You understand that regardless of their tantrum or upset, that they just don’t understand and that’s okay. It’s no different when dealing with your own inner child. Your child soooooo deeply wants love and connection, but she is looking for it in places that are causing her more harm. So you, as the mother, as the adult, needs to get in the driver’s seat, get tough with your little girl, strap her in the back seat, let her throw her tantrum, let her yell, let her cry, let her hurt and be okay with all of that…and keep her in the back seat regardless. You, as the adult, knows this guy is not going to give you what you want. You, as the adult, knows that your heart is valuable and sacred. You have to decide that you would rather be alone, than to stay connected and keeping sourcing a “love” that is subpar and painful and then work with all the feelings that activated in the meantime.
So what REALLY needs to be done, is YOU focusing your attention on that little girl, wounded energy and helping her heal. YOU love her. YOU choose her. YOU support her. YOU connect to her, so she doesn’t go looking for it from another emotionally unavailable man to source her. When YOU become your own source, that’s when you are in your high self-esteem and aligning with a healthy, high functioning connection and love.
This is the place to start.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s so difficult to know the person you love is in so much pain, but they are not being open about it. He obviously is just wanting to carry his problems all on his own and not involve you. But then of course, he has breaking points and will cry and it’s beautiful that you can be there for him during this time.
The thing is Ytto, is this design okay for you? He is not going to change. It seems like you get upset, but you are getting upset because he is not being the way you want him to be….which means you are not accepting how he chooses to deal with stress in his life. This is who he is. You not accepting him EXACTLY as he is, adds stress to his life, so are you able to just let him be? Instead of asking what’s wrong, just leave him alone and know that at some point, he will break down and you can be there for him. Are you willing to do this?
I’m sorry about his therapist. I agree in that it was very unprofessional of her and she obviously is triggered by his choice of woman. Since he has been going to her for so long, you are right…it would be hard for him to leave. So…he is just going to stay the same. Are you okay with that?
Before deciding what to do next, it’s important you are VERY clear about your choice. If you decide that you can accept how he deals with his life, then stay connected. Respond when he reaches out. Keep it light and easy. Keep giving him a lot of space and let him come to you. If you feel like it’s best to move on because he is very limited and you want to be with a man who is willing to grow and learn, then disconnect completely and say goodbye.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Welcome! It really is awful to watch a connection that you really enjoy, slip through your fingers. It’s a very powerless feeling and I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s really hard.
This is a once in a lifetime kind of connection based on more than physical attraction and superficial qualities. We share the same values. Have great communication when we speak and. Have a lot in common. If He Decided to commit to me my lifestyle actually complements his very well. First, I want to address this statement. Why do you think it’s a once in a lifetime connection? With this kind of thinking, it will make you want to go to any length possible to have it, because you don’t believe there is another opportunity for something like this. How come you believe that? I understand a lot of things line up in ways that you never have experienced before, but it doesn’t mean it can’t come along again. No 2 connections are the same of course, so this connection you have with this man, is unique. However, there are other experiences that can come across your path that can be just as powerful, if not even more. So…if you believed that there are other experiences out there where you can feel just as connected, just as loved, just as connected, would you keep fighting for this connection?
Second, while all of those things you mentioned are pretty wonderful, what about his limited side? It doesn’t matter how amazing the connection is or how amazing the person is, if they can’t show up when things get sticky. This guy is showing you that he runs away. He isn’t being honest with you. He would rather just not show up than to have an honest conversation with you. He would rather disconnect than to figure out how to make things work. He says this connection is “unique” but he sure isn’t fighting for it. Whatever he is afraid of, he is using his daughter as an excuse…plain and simple. So…you are dealing with a guy whose fear is much bigger than his desire to love and connect with someone deeply. So what you are looking at here, is trying to fight for a guy whose coping mechanism is to run away, shut down, and become emotionally unavailable. Even if you were to get him back, the next time something scares him, he will do the same thing…he will run, shut down, and leave you to deal with feeling abandoned. This is NOT your fault. So what that he felt things move too fast! An adult would have. conversation, state their needs, talk with you about it and create a different design. That’s what it means to be a team. That’s what it means to work WITH someone through the fears and differences. That’s what it means to stay connected, even when it feels difficult.
So again…I know you feel like he is amazing and you want him back, BUT it’s important to know the kind of partner you are inviting into your life. When the chips are down, he will run. It may look different each time it happens, but in the end, he is not a “teammate” you will be able to rely on.
If you want him back, the best thing you can do right now, is to stay away. When a person’s fear is THIS big, nothing you do or say will change that. His fear needs to subside so he can closer to normal again. He may reach out at that point. But thing to do is NOT reach out. He NEEDS to come to you. That is a really important thing here. I know it’s not fun for you, but if you try and push the connection by reaching out, even if it’s just a “hello,” it could cause him to run away even further. He needs to feel that you respect his choice. He needs to feel safe that he can set a boundary and that you will listen to it and honor it. That’s part of building trust and safety in a relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heidi! Welcome! You have quite the situation going on with a lot of layers. It is so incredibly difficult to feel so bonded with him, while at the same time, watching him to take a step back. There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s work through all the layers.
He has been an AMAZING partner, even with the red flags. He has always been very attentive, affectionate, generous, respectful. I LOVE that you have really enjoyed how he has connected with you. It’s so powerful and healing! At the same time, I WISH that were enough. The reality is, it’s NOT the best parts or the lack thereof, that keep people together. It’s the worst parts. Meaning….it’s who we are in our worst moments, our most stressful moments, that make or break a connection…no matter how amazing it is. I have had AMAZING, powerful, authentic connections, but then our first confrontation occurs and they showed up in a way that was not workable for me. So the relationship ended. I wish this were not the case, but red flags matter Heidi. No matter how great things are, red flags are what causes endings. The red flag that I see here, is that instead of him really being honest with you, fighting for you, and working through his perception that things “changed” WITH you, he decided he needs and open relationship. This guy is running. He is not being a teammate. Instead he is going off on his own saying “I’m going to create what I want and if you want to join, great. If not, goodbye.” How hard has he really tried to explore what’s been missing with you? How much effort has he put in to try and shift things? How much honest and authentic communication has he had with you about his feelings changing? My guess is, very little. This is a guy who is choosing to bail without really trying to work things out with you FIRST. I can understand him coming to this conclusion AFTER making several attempts of repair and not seeing any results. Instead, you have 1 fight and he is out and you are left trying to pick up the pieces and save the connection. The red flag is that YOU are the only one trying to figure this out. You are here asking for guidance. Well done! What is HE doing?? This is what I mean about the worst of us is what breaks the connection. No matter how amazing things are, relationships get hard sometimes. There are BIG challenges that show up and if you guys don’t have a committed like-minded approach to moving through those challenges as a TEAM, then the relationship breaks. Trust is broken. Safety is broken. Then your relationship has nothing solid to stand on. Something to think about.
But he told me a few weeks before he moved out, that things started to feel different. I believe I was putting him under more pressure, not triggering that hero instinct as often and not showing as much appreciation. Like most women do, you are taking responsibility for what happened. If he is relying on you THAT much to feel like a hero and to feel appreciated, then your relationship wasn’t going to last anyways. The truth is, he is responsible for himself. You are NOT responsible for building and sourcing his self-esteem. That’s HIS job. So what that you were putting more pressure on him. So what that you were not showing him as much appreciation. These are VERY NORMAL kinds of ebs and flows of a relationship. His job is to communicate his needs! If he wants something different, then he needs to speak up. It’s not YOUR job to constantly be on alert to make sure things are going well. It’s his job too. What is happening is NOT because you weren’t being as appreciative…he has left and wants an open relationship because there is something in HIM, that is unhappy – and whatever that is, it was there loooooong before you came along.
Now he’s saying he needs a fully open relationship physically (while being closed romantically between just us two) and I am a very monogamous person. I wish I had the fortitude to be open for that. This is definitely showing you he is NOT interested in facing himself. He wants to be able to feely have sex while only bonding with you romantically. He is using sex to fix what doesn’t feel good instead of facing what doesn’t feel good without using sex to feel better. Sex, like drugs, like money, like alcohol, is a quick fix for relief from pain. That’s how addictions form. This design can work as long as BOTH people are on the same page, but I will tell you…research shows it is NOT a successful long term design. You know who you are and that you cannot have a relationship like that, so this is a deal breaker Heidi. No different than finding a partner who doesn’t want kids and you KNOW you want kids. It’s a fundamental, core way of functioning that doesn’t match up. This guy, no matter how amazing he is and no matter how much you love him, does not fit you. You have a non-negotiable – you want monogamy. And because you love him, you want to fight for him anyways. He is who he is and by you trying to fix things, you are trying to change him to match YOUR design – when that is not what he wants.
I don’t know if there is time to fix and mend this. All of the plans we had dreamed up for a future together were wonderful, and he felt like the healthiest companion I have had in my life. I do feel this is a real genuine and deep connection. And I do not want to lose that. Fixing and mending things is only possible if HE is willing to do the work. And he doesn’t seem to be that kind of guy. Even if you figured out how to get back together, what is going to happen next time when things get stressful again? His coping mechanism to create distance. His coping mechanism is to hide from his feelings. That is a fundamental way that he functions and he isn’t interested in changing that. So down the road, you will lose him again. and again. and again. Coping mechanisms NEVER change. They are with us until our last breath. The only thing that changes is how we deal with them. I tend to run as well. I shut off and become distant. But because I’ve done a lot of work on myself and developed a skillset to better handle my emotions…when my system wants to shut down and become distant, I handle myself differently so I don’t cause damage to my relationship. That’s why I’m saying that you will only end right back where you are now, because is not the kind of guy who will do the work to truly see what is driving him to separate and sabotage intimacy. He is not the type to look inside at the baggage he carries and how that is preventing him from feeling safe to connect deeply. He is emotionally unavailable on a deeper level. He obviously offered you some amazing connection for a while, but he reached his limit.
I know you want to repair, but first look at this…you are trying to turn him into YOU. You want him to connect the way you do. You want him to be on YOUR page so things can work. How would you feel is someone tried to do this to you?
Heidi
Hi Ytto!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your very complicated situation. There is a lot to consider, so let’s keep talking through this to see if you can find some clarity and wisdom that feels really good for you.
he was an amazing dad First, by believing his kid is a selfish prick, while in the same breath saying his dad was amazing, is all a VERY small perspective with little to no understanding of what it was like for that family. Obviously, something is amiss. A kid does not turn out this way all on his own. A kid does not want to harm his father for no reason. Something obviously is not okay here. No matter the reason why his son wants to hurt him, it doesn’t change that his dad is part of the equation. I’m so glad his son is getting help. Is your guy willing to go to counseling? He is obviously struggling, and it’s awful to feel your own kid wants to harm you. That’s incredibly tough. Is he willing to get help too? If this is ever going to be healed between them, they BOTH need help.
I’m curious…what did you get upset about? What happened that you suggested that maybe he isn’t ready to date?
His situation is so complicated. Being that you are having a strong response to his challenges and how he is responding to it, it probably is best that you guys give it a break. Being together is causing so much stress that I imagine it’s all just overwhelming and adding to his depression.
How long have you been dating?
Something you truly need to embrace is…you are powerless. You cannot fix his pain. He NEEDS to feel this pain so he can learn and grow and shift what is NOT working. You can support him by holding the space for him to be upset, but that’s about it. Encouraging him to get help, sending articles or videos that may offer advice that could help him, asking him what he needs…those are the simple things you can do, but in the end…you cannot fix his pain. Accepting he has some really big things to face in his life, means a lot is either going to change for the better or get worse in his life and YOU need to decide whether that is someone you want to invite into your heart. He is going to be a mess for a while and what is REALLY good for you to see, is HOW he handles stress. It’s an amazing window into what he will be like when he has stress with you. Is he someone you want to go through difficult times with? Is he someone you feel would be a great partner you can rely on when things get hard?
Heidi
And when shared my idea with my coach, she was quite surprised that i had found a way to USE my feelings instead of outright just rejecting them as ‘not mine’. Yes, this is quite the popular approach to feelings…”It’s not yours! it’s other people, it’s ancestral, it’s…..” While there is a lot of truth in that, what is a deeper truth is that whether that thought is coming from someone else or it is mine, it’s activating me. One thing I will do, is “refuse” the thought and send it to God. If I feel instant relief, I know it was from someone or something else. If it’s sticky, then I have more work to do. I will NEVER forget this one time about 15 years ago, I was out walking my dog. We came across this woman in the front of her yard, who wanted to pet my dog. We had a short conversation and I moved on. I instantly noticed I felt upset…stressful and contracted kind of energy in my body. I started thinking…”Is there something I’m upset about and I don’t remember?” My mind searched and searched and searched for something these feelings could be connected to and I couldn’t find anything. Then all of a sudden I thought….”do your refusals.” I have 3 prayers I use to disconnect and refuse energies and after going through them, all that tension and upset was immediately gone. I knew I had “picked up” something from that woman. Ever since that moment, I am much more diligent about going through my prayers and then seeing what’s left over.
But, with God, it becomes SO EASY because he can already see everything and i don’t need to explain anything to him, so … OH, i LOVE exploring with God! Right??? All you have to do is ask for help and then stay open and watch the treasure hunt unfold 🙂
OMG! i absolutely LOVE this! Because you just triggered me! lol 😀 i can’t STAND the thought of ‘mothering’! i would never, ever, ever ‘mother’ myself. So you still are struggling with “mother.” Interesting! Since it’s a sticking point for you still, maybe you can identify it as “divine feminine” energy instead of using the “mother archetype.”
And this is actually what concerned me — underneath my ability to care about people, AM I a cold dead person? How did i go from feeling compassion towards her to becoming SO COLD towards her in a space of just a few weeks? Is it possible that this would happen with others too? Like my children and JB? IF so, what can i do to prevent it from happening with people i truly care about? Also, how can i tell the difference between when i ‘truly’ care about someone and don’t truly care – as it turned out with her? There was obviously something that was different because i felt no remorse about walking out of her life. There is a lot to unpack on this one.
Are you a cold, dead person? No. BUT…not feeling…being numb…is a protective mechanism. It’s a “wall” that is soooooo strong because it holds A LOT of trauma, lies, programs, stories etc. I used to be numb ALL THE TIME. So if I am not feeling something, then I immediately know there is something BIG that got activated within me. I typically don’t feel numb anymore because I’ve done so much healing work. I did go numb when my last dog died in 2022. He was the LOVE of my life and losing him was sooooo painful, I couldn’t feel. I thought I would end up crying several times a day, but when I noticed I couldn’t even do that, I KNEW my “numb” mechanism had been activated and I better start working on it.
You went from compassion to “cold” because you felt you needed to protect yourself from her. You are labeling it that “you don’t care” but it’s actually the opposite. You DO care, but you are putting up a HUGE wall to not care. It’s a defense mechanism because your system believes it has to “defend.” That mechanism can happen with anyone. When you find yourself NOT caring, that’s a flag to pay attention to within yourself. A healthy, clear version of “not caring” would look like holding space for both you and the other person and having NO reaction. Basically, feeling defensive or not caring IS a reaction. It’s not neutral. Over caring is also an over-reaction and not neutral. If you are anything BUT neutral, that is a sign that you have been pulled out of your center, divine knowing truth. Neutral is where you want to get yourself too. Neutral is indifference. Neutral is recognizing they have their story, you have your story, neither really matter – all that matters is that you are going to honor yourself and move on.
Here is a super simple example that may explain my point. Imagine someone coming up to you and saying “Oh! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blond hair!” Of course you are going to wonder if that person is colorblind or believe something is “off” if they see your hair as blond. You, KNOWING your hair is dark and are 100% aligned with that, you wouldn’t engage in their thought that your hair was blond. They could tell you 100x that you have blond hair, but it wouldn’t even cause you to budge, because YOU are clear. There is nothing they are saying or doing that is going to change your KNOWING that you have dark hair. You don’t have a need to engage, defend, talk the other person into believing YOU…you just stay neutral, so the healthy response is being completely okay that they believe your hair is blond. It doesn’t matter, right? Who cares! That’s the type of reaction that is neutral…indifferent…there is NO engagement on YOUR end with their story. You are 100% okay that they have that story. You don’t feel you need to spend any time trying to defend YOUR belief that your hair is dark. You don’t need to go numb. You don’t need to try and change them….you are just neutral. The ONLY reason we are not in neutral, is because whatever someone else says or does, we absorb it and take it personally and that pulls us into engaging with them. Does this make sense?
HOWEVER, i allowed myself to feel sorry for her and wanted to help her as much as i could. So, when she said, “Oh, i wish we could get started sooner…etc…” i thought – what harm would it do? SO i agreed to go for a few hours the same week. This is you engaging with HER story. This is you not being okay with her pain and her process. Whenever you “feel sorry” for someone, that is you joining them in their pain story and trying to rescue them on some level…which in essence is you robbing them from rescuing themselves. She is wanting YOU to do for her, what she is not willing to do for herself. So this is an example of you being pulled out of your diving truth that her process, her path, her pain, her life are between HER AND GOD and not for you to fix or rescue her from. That’s the truth. So imagine if you were 100% okay with her being in pain and feeling desperate. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. You can have compassion for her process, BUT you don’t get pulled into the need to fix it somehow…that’s when you are no longer neutral. So you ended up betraying yourself, in order to “rescue” her from her struggle. This is how I typically make my decisions when it comes to “helping” others. It’s easy to become co-dependent for a “good cause” and meet the needs of another at the expense of our own. So the moment I can feel myself wanting to help, because I “feel sorry” for them, I immediately stop myself. It’s damaging. So instead, I get my head on straight and make the decision from the place of “Is this for the highest good of both me and them?” I ask myself “What energy am I in service to? Rescue? Empowerment? Chaos? Support?” Identifying what I am getting out of this helps me see if I am actually deciding from a place of harmful over-functioning or a place of wisdom and clarity.
Not feeling remorse. That is GREAT! That just means you have clarity about your choice. You aligned with what was best for you and left her to figure out how to rescue herself. Well done!
i take the side of ‘children’ by accepting their story as fully true. BUT i also don’t tear down the other staff. I tell the kids that what happened to them was unreasonable. But i also show them how easy it is to BE unreasonable when you have x, y, or z going on in your life. A bunch of them have taken to watching how i handle situations. How about NOT taking sides. The moment you “take sides” is the moment you make someone right and good and someone bad and wrong. When the truth is, everyone is right and wrong. Everyone has a perspective. Even with my closest, best friends, if they are upset with someone, I of course validate their experience first, but eventually help them connect to a greater truth BEYOND them being “right.” The greater truth being…the other person is wounded too. The other person is limited too. So…what YOU do to support and nurture yourself out of this pain AND accept and understand their choices. Instead of viewing situations as right or wrong, which is VERY reductionistic, like I said…it’s a treasure hunt. THAT is ALWAYS the truth. There is ALWAYS something to be gained from the losses of every moment we are triggered.
Instead, i ask them questions that i’ve asked myself countless times in order to dig into myself. So, although it seems like a random conversation in which i’m interested in them, i’m making them dig into themselves. is that sneaky? lol 🙂 You are soooooo good at this!!!!
So, if i were having a conversation with one of those mean women, i wouldn’t at all judge her actions. You wouldn’t judge her in person, but you feel okay judging her right now? This is interesting. Tell me more about this!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! Sooooooo much to talk about and explore, so lets see where we travel to 🙂
But i still haven’t figured out what the threat was! How do i figure that out? the reason i want to know exactly what i was guarding is because i want to know WHO my Guard Dog allows in! IS there a place that i’m not allowing ANYONE into? IF so, what is that place? Is it a wounded place? IF it is a wounded place, i want to know what the wound is so i can pull it apart and let it heal. Ugggghhhh! I’m soooo so tempted to just answer this for you, as I have a strong idea about this. But…instead I’m going to take you through the process I go through and teach and maybe it can help you on this journey. I liken this journey to a “treasure hunt.” Something happens that triggers you and THAT trigger, is the beginning of the treasure hunt, if you accept your “mission.” 🙂 So first thing’s first. BE PATIENT! That’s really hard sometimes, but trusting that the journey is JUST AS VALUABLE as the core answer you are looking for. So keep your eyes open and make sure you appreciate and value the flowers, the new perspectives, the new feelings etc. along the way. Okay…now about the treasure hunts. Here is some direction: Whenever we get triggered, especially to higher levels of intensity, it’s an instant sign that something from our past, a network of low self-esteem has been activated, so you looking for that “belief” that is sourcing that network is your goal. The best way to identify what that belief is, is to pay attention to your looping thoughts. When we get triggered, our mind will loop around certain words, faces someone made, tones of voice etc. We don’t loop around the entire event…our brain latches onto small moments. THAT’s the target. That’s where you can begin your treasure hunt. Once you identify the looping thoughts about the event, you identify the feeling that goes with it. Anger. Hurt. Abandonment. Judgement. Criticism. and so on. Those feelings are being activated because they are familiar and are what’s sourcing your the network that got triggered. So then you can ask…where have I felt this before? Who in my life has made me feel like this a million times? And if you have trouble, what I ALWAYS ask is “Okay God. Show me the truth about my feelings. Show me the truth about what is being triggered within me.” And then I just leave it and let it percolate and stay open for the answer whenever it chooses to arrive. But in the meantime, moments like what you had, are the most precious, most valuable, most powerful moments for you to build self love. So as the woman not only rejected you, she tried to obliterate your character. Before even starting your “treasure hunt” the most important thing you can do, is to connect with that little girl energy that got triggered and YOU love her. So I will say things like “I know that hurt. But I want you to know that I choose you. I love you. I am with you always and we are team and we will get through this. You are worth loving, you are worth knowing, you are so valuable to me. I got you!” So I’m being the “mother” to myself in a moment where someone else emotionally vommited all over me. And it’s those moments, where we have the opportunity to love and support ourselves, in the face of rejection, that self-love truly grows. I am actually in the process of creating an in depth, online course on this topic specifically. I hope these ideas can bring you closer to what you are looking for. I have a million other ideas, but it’s too much to type out and can be overwhelming without all the other information that goes with it…hence the course I’m creating. let me know if you want explanation.
But how badly do you have to be damaged yourself that you can turn around and be mean to a bunch of little 7 year olds who had absolutely nothing to do with your wounds? in my opinion, they have absolutely NO EXCUSE for passing on the abuse that they themselves received. Children are little! no matter how nasty and annoying they are, you do not shred their dignity! what defense do they have left when you destroy their personhood?! Let’s look at this from a different lens. This is true for everyone who survives trauma. Their relationship with pain is MESSED UP! For me, I completely shut down and went numb emotionally. For others, they might over identify with pain and use it to get attention and compassion from others. Everyone is different in how they express their pain in the world, but what’s makes us all the same…is that we ALL have a reaction that causes harm to others – whether we are conscious of it or not. So…those teachers most likely had no clue what they were doing and the damaged they caused. Those teachers, NOT connected to their own pain, would never have the ability to connect to the pain they were causing in the children. Think about it…if they truly used those children as a mirror to their own behavior, they would then have to pay attention to the YEARS of pain they were carrying…and they would have NO skillset or understanding or support to be able to open Pandora’s box like that. So…in an effort to survive, they have to NOT care about the pain they caused. This is not about making and “excuse” for their behavior. It’s more about understanding their behavior so that you CAN activate your compassion instead of judgment and criticism (something that NEVER feels good, as you just experienced from that disabled woman).
i think i just got my answer! they did what they did because they HATE the fact that they themselves have no dignity left and when they see these beautiful little children who are still mostly whole under their care, they can’t stand the fact that they are no longer beautiful themselves! This is a bit of a stretch. While all of it may be true, you are operating under the assumption that they are consciously aware of any of this. As you know…most people are walking around completely blind to themselves, not connected to the truth, their pain, their wounds – and they just keep walking around like zombies, causing harm, because they truly don’t know any different. To change, that would mean they would have to start to wake up and most people, DO NOT have the strength or support to go on a treasure hunt like that.
BUT — i can’t find any compassion in my heart towards such women. even if i know that they were abused themselves and had a hard life. The compassion comes from you connecting into the pain they had to go through to become an abuser themselves. You know pain Vino. You know the damage that was caused by how others treated you. If you stopped for a second and imagined seeing one of those teachers, having an abusive, alcoholic parent who beat her, demeaned her, stripped her of every shred of dignity she had, criticized her and so on…are you telling me you wouldn’t have compassion for a child going through that? Yes, she may have grown up to become an abuser herself AND there is still compassion to be felt about how she was created in the first place. It doesn’t mean you accept her choices…it just means that you understand where she came from, put down your judgmental, criticism sword, and send her love and ask that God magnify the light within her. That’s my approach that helps me find the peace in the center of the chaos that dark creates.
I fully agree with this. I used the Disabled Lady as a mirror for myself and checked to see all the ways in which i was like her. Well done! Look at how much stronger you have gotten.
i need to CHOOSE to be reliable — which causes me to examine how i make that choice of when to be reliable and when not to care?! SO — there ARE inconsistencies in me. This is interesting. This sounds like integrity to me. If you are not entirely a reliable person, that means that you don’t follow through on what you say you are going to do. And if you say yes, when you really want to say no, then you are not having integrity with yourself first and foremost. I know for me, I didn’t have much integrity in what I said, and it made sense once I started my treasure hunt on that topic specifically. Now, I’d say it’s one of my strongest qualities.
Then, i decided i’d whined long enough and if i could stand up for others, i totally had the ability to stand up for myself too, and didn’t need to wait for anyone else to speak up for me. i am totally worth defending, and i’m not even ashamed of myself for taking my own side against a disabled woman. lol 🙂 Yes! I love that you feel in your integrity about your choice! Something I would suggest down the road….you engaged with her quite a bit, explaining your choice and defending your choice. When you reach a point where you are 100% aligned with your truth, there is no explaining or defending. You just say what your choice is, and move on. The moment you enter into defending or explaining yourself, that’s the moment you engage in “battle” with the other person – which is a symptom of trying to help the other person be okay with your choice, which ultimately shows you that you are not quite 100% yet. When you are 100% aligned, you are okay with the other person’s challenge WITHOUT explaining anything. So next time, you just say “Here is my 2 weeks notice” and that’s it. No discussion. No explaining. No defending. If the person you are giving your notice to, is kind and caring and compassionate and SAFE to share your thoughts with, then of course share! But you explained and defended your choice to a woman who doesn’t care about you. You were vulnerable with someone who is dangerous and verbally abusive, which just opened you up to be harmed. Thoughts on this?
But there’s no unity between us, because our goals oppose each other. To her, her own well being is important, and to me, mine is more important. She couldn’t understand why i felt like i was giving up mine in order to prioritize hers You are looking at unity from a very small perspective here. You both are EXACTLY the same, just coming from different ends. You BOTH were fighting for the same exact thing…YOURSELF!!! That is where the unity lies. You both had the SAME EXACT AGENDA and that makes you united in your purpose. Unity is not just about likemindedness. True unity, is accepting the person in front of you is operating the best they know how, they have wounds, they have limitations, they laugh, they spread joy – all things you do as well. Unity does NOT mean joining forces…unity is about being able to see pieces of you in them – the dark and the light – and finding that agape love – that compassion – that understanding for who they are. Unity is MUCH bigger than having commonality.
if i get myself more in alignment with him, i will find unity with others who are also drawing closer to Him. And i AM curious to know how God loves each of us. i tried really hard to see the disabled lady through a lens of love, but i just couldn’t So are you saying you cannot find unity with another person who – in your opinion – is NOT drawing closer to God? Just like you said earlier, she was a mirror to you. So if you cannot find love or compassion for her, then you also are not finding it for yourself in your own pain and limitations, right?
Man…that was A LOT! We shall see how all of this lands on you 🙂
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I’m glad to hear that you found someone that is more like-minded! It’s so helpful to be able to have some comparisons to help you learn what works and doesn’t work for you.
As like-minded as you guys are, make sure you take things slow! When you really like someone, it’s very normal to think about the future with that person, so it’s important to make sure to keep yourself grounded and be discerning.
Remember, you truly don’t know someone until you see them in their worst, most stressful moments. You want to make sure that in those stressful moments, he is still respectful to you, himself, and anyone else involved. If you can’t feel safe around him or with him, then no matter how amazing the connection is, the relationship will fall apart. When looking for love, that is the first thing I guide people in looking out for.
The biggest mistake people make, is to allow their feelings to lead them into a connection and that connection feels so good and causes them to ignore all the red flags…as you already have experienced with the last guy. So make sure you stay closely connected to yourself, pay attention to the red flags, LOOK for the red flags and stay discerning. Of course, have fun as well. It’s about having a good balance between enjoying the process while also staying aware of the sticky points and not fully opening up your heart until they have earned it from you…and that takes time.
When are you meeting him in person for the first time?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Thank you for sharing more of your experiences with him! Let’s keep talking this through…
I have the occasion to prove to him that I’m for him by behaving adequately on Christmas and the years around New Year because some friends from another town came to visit. I’m curious about this. What EXACTLY does it mean for you to behave “adequately”. What did he want you to be like that “prove” you are the woman for him?
he doesn’t want to see me as I am truly am! This is so incredibly difficult! The thing is Diana, you are fighting for a guy that you call “the man of your dreams” all the while feeling like he doesn’t actually truly see you or know you. He things and believes things about you that are not longer accurate. So…is this what the man of your dreams treats you like? It sounds like the man of your dreams was who he was in the past and he is not that way anymore. It sounds like what you are fighting for and wanting, is the OLD version of him and you. And that’s the challenge here. Who he used to be is gone. He is NOT that person anymore. You are getting upset that he is not seeing you for who you are TODAY and he is holding onto the past, but that is also exactly what you are doing to him. You are holding onto the past and not embracing what is right in front of you TODAY.
He says that fights like ours are unheard of, that we’re not compatible if we fight. Really? Everyone fights! You are correct. Every fights and it’s quite normal. However, it’s HOW people fight that is destructive and toxic. So I’m guessing that is more the issue here. Tell me about what your fights were like. How would you treat each other when you were fighting? How would you talk to each other?
He doesn’t want to see the positive aspects of our relationship. I’m so sorry. This is so hard when someone isn’t able to see the good. The thing is, he gets to only focus on the bad. This is the kind of guy he WANTS to be. So…I’ll ask you again…does the “man of your dreams” behave this way? Does the man of your dreams only focus on the negative? More and more, from what you are telling me, he is actually not the man of your dreams. When you first met him, he felt like that, but it’s not who he is anymore and that is where you are getting tied up and feeling so hurt.
He now sees me as the root of all his problems and doesn’t want to see that. This is not him and he never was. He’s manipulated into thinking I’m the monster making him angry and mad. I am not. You are right! It’s NOT your fault that he is so angry. It makes me sad that his therapist could possibly be making things worse. The thing is, he is NOT able to handle a relationship right now. If he is going to blame you for HIS anger, then that is incredibly dangerous and toxic to any relationship. I wish there were a way for you to be able to help change his mind, but from everything you are telling me, he still has a lot of work to do on himself AND you guys are not getting along well. There is nothing to fix, if he isn’t willing to take responsibility for some of this. Does the man of your dreams point the finger at you and blame you for his anger?
Diana, the man of your dreams will fight for you. He is kind. He will be respectful, even when you guys are fighting. He will NOT point the finger at you. He will NOT put ultimatums on the relationship like “If you behave adequately, then maybe we will stay together.” This guy sounds quite confused and that it’s better he is NOT in a relationship right now.
Heidi
