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Hi Emilie,
I LOVE all of your thoughts and questions. They are spot on!
Here is the thing about love. Love has a million different levels which is why there is no one REAL definition of love. What I do know is that love needs to include BOTH people. Meaning, true love includes loving another along WITH yourself. I know MANY people who “love” their partners, but in choosing to “love” their partners, they are not loving themselves, because their partner is abusive or neglectful or toxic. This is NOT love, it’s connection through woundedness. I personally like to view love as something that is expansive. When I have loved, it’s an experience that causes me to be more of who I am. It opens me. It inspires me to want to be more, do more, experience more. It empowers me. Of course love will also bring experiences of contraction through arguments and discord sometimes, but even in those moments, there is respect of each other and a willingness to grow and learn and work through it. So even in that contraction, there is expansion energy. Now….of course if you get down to the core root of it all, love with another is REALLY loving who WE are and how WE feel when we are around that person. So yes, there is ego involved for sure, but that’s okay! It’s normal and it’s not the full picture. It’s just one part of love and it’s a good thing! We NEED to ego. It’s in important and useful part to help us function in this world.
The bottom line is, whatever you were feeling for him, it was healthy for you. You were becoming more of yourself. When you think of him, you smile. You had fun. He brought MORE into your life instead of making your life smaller. Even now, as he has pulled away, you are becoming more as you seeing some of your tendencies and how they contributed to what has happened. So bottom line is, up to this point, he has been an incredible experience for you!I understand your frustrations about your inability to open up more. It’s something many people struggle with. Love is a risk. It’s your heart and I don’t know anyone who isn’t cautious about handing it over so easily. The thing is, you will NEVER not be afraid. Fear will always be there as you step more into your voice and communicate more authentic feelings with someone new. You never know how they are going to respond, so a little fear is appropriate. The goal is to be MORE than your fear. The goal is to use your voice despite the fear telling you to say silent. All of which you are doing right now and he is responding really well!
I have this feeling that he is protecting his heart as well – just like you were. I would agree that his house, this pandemic, his job and testing, living with his parents etc. all have caused an amount of stress that took away his ability to feel and stay connected with you. I HIGHLY doubt he is aware of this though. Many guys, and people for that matter, believe whatever they feel is real, when most of the time, it’s just a cover for something deeper going on. Very few people truly understand the REAL source of their emotions and what is happening for them. You are digging deep and trying to find your REAL source. I doubt he is. Most women are much better at it than their men and we typically tend to be the leaders in this area – most of my boyfriends have always said, “I have never had the experience of being so well known as I have with you.” I would lead them deeper into themselves and help them connect the dots to all of their patterns and feelings (not the healthiest design for me btw). So talking about yourself and YOUR realizations will role model for him where he needs to go inside himself. Let’s see if he is willing. If he ends up taking his feelings for face value and doesn’t want to look deeper, then this guy isn’t for you anyways. You NEED a guy who is willing to look past the surface. You are much too deep of a person to accept anything less than someone who is curious about himself. So you will learn about him and how he wants to live his life. If he doesn’t want to be curious about himself and about you, then he is not a good match. If he is, then he will spend time with this, consider all that you are saying and you guys will have a really good conversation! He would be lucky to have a 2nd chance with you and vice versa. You both have an opportunity to grow.
Heidi
Wow! That’s impressive that you got match to give you a little more time for free! Well done!! So I’m curious. What about his message made you go to the extent of arguing with Match to be able to connect? That’s quite the length to go to. Was there something different about his message or were you just really curious?
I love that you guys are really getting to know each other daily. It’s the best and only option for this moment in time and it really develops good communication skills.
So why was he wanting to move? I still don’t know where he lives in relation to where your home is. Is he pretty close?
“I don’t really think about the future with him.” You actually DO think about a future with him more than you realize. You are already getting wrapped up in him and building your “future” with him in it, as he is doing the same with you. Truth is, if either of you decided to disconnect today, there would be a lot of hurt. You’re invested and it sounds like he is too. And that’s okay! It’s what you guys are wanting to design and you both are on the same page and you will take your journey together. It’s exciting! I’m truly excited for you Rhonda. This has been a long time coming and many lessons learned along the way. Now, you get to have some new lessons and new experiences while having a deeper connection. Yay!!!
Heidi
Interesting! I’m glad you connected to this! Personal space is something sooo valuable and sacred isn’t it? I get it though. My personal space is clean and organized most of the time. I have my moments, but to be honest, I do little things every single day that just take a few minutes, so that my space stays clean and I don’t have to spend a few hours, all at once (although that happens sometimes too). However, if I had kids, I would ABSOLUTELY delegate some “chores” for them. It’s their space too! Don’t they need to learn to value their space by taking care of it? You could have designated the bathroom to your daughter. It’s also part of you letting go of some control, right? Your kids don’t have to touch anything personal, but they can definitely help out with the common areas, right? Why not? You guys work TOGETHER to create a nice home. It’s what you would do anyway when you live with your guy down the road. Just a thought!
Anyways, I love all these little gems that you are discovering about yourself and how you are just immediately implementing them! It feels so good, right??
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges!
Let’s go a little deeper. Your fear of pushing him away is causing you not to feel safe to express your authentic self. Anytime we let fear govern how we respond in a relationship, it’s a big red flag! It helps us recognize where we have some limiting beliefs and patterns in ourselves.
I understand there are some underlying issues that have caused you guys to take a break 4 different times and you don’t want a 5th time. I imagine his texting behavior is the least of the issues, yes? Or maybe his texting behavior is a symptom of a deeper issue? Thoughts?
Whenever confronting someone about a behavior that you struggle with, approach it with the mindset of curiosity first. It helps the other person not be so defensive at first. So you could say something like, “So I was wondering something and I”m hoping you could teach me something about you. I sometimes text things and ask you questions and you don’t end up responding to my questions at all. And sometimes you do. Like I asked you to go shoe shopping with me and you never responded, but you did respond to my other question……I’m wondering what the difference is for you. I’m curious.” And then you can follow up with “If you don’t answer one of my questions, is it best to just ask again and keep bugging you until I get an answer? What works best for you?”
The goal with this approach is to gain an understanding about how he functions, how he thinks, how he goes through his day. The more you understand about how he functions, the easier it is for you to understand what is happening in those moments where he doesn’t respond. So again, being CURIOUS about who he is, is the key ingredient. He will feel like you are truly wanting to learn about him vs. attacking him or telling him he is doing something wrong. How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Thanks for sharing more of your thoughts! I’m sorry I was a bit confusing. Let me see if I can clear it up a little. It’s a bit tough over technology isn’t it?
“Now if we said to give up on every broken person, this world be a crappy place” I’m not saying to give up on broken people. I’m just saying it’s not a healthy design to build a romantic relationship on. “Broken” people have help all over the place. There are a MILLION books, therapists, coaches, friends, family, animals, etc. that are around us all of the time and can help us ANYTIME we ask for it. But to build a romantic relationship where one person plays the “rescuer” role and the other person plays the “broken role,” it’s a design that will not last. There are seasons in a relationship where that dynamic may play out, but when it’s healthy, it’s more about supporting your partner vs. rescuing your partner. Besides, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. He is in a place where he is not interested in fighting for himself. He would rather become an alcoholic and work himself into the ground. You could try and help him all you want, but ultimately, he has to want to help himself and fight for a new way of living. You can support him by maybe giving him books to read, give him a website of good articles to read or a good therapist or support groups, but YOU CANNOT do the work for him. You CANNOT help him heal. That is HIS path and his alone. I DEEPLY understand how painful it is to watch someone you care about, destroy their life. I know this may sound really weird, but one thing I learned over the years is to get waaaay more comfortable with the pain people feel. I used to try and help and save all kinds of people in pain. In reality, it was my way of trying to help myself. I couldn’t stand my own pain, therefore I couldn’t stand other peoples’ pain, therefore rescuing them would make me feel better. I learned though, that many time those people would plug into ME as their source instead of sourcing themselves. Very unhealthy! It became part of my identity with them and that is the danger of being that person for him. It will imprint a dynamic in the relationship where you will be the one to rescue and he will be the one who needs rescuing and he will rely on YOU instead of himself. You become his crutch. When I say to get more comfortable with the pain, it’s about TRUSTING the pain is good for him. There is nothing like pain that can light a fire under someone’s ass to get moving. Pain is a motivator. Pain makes people move out of their behaviors faster. He NEEDS to be hurting right now so he can find something inside of himself to start to fight for more. If you keep helping him relieve that pain, he won’t have any reason to change how he is responding to his life. Everyone has a different pain tolerance though. It may take a looooong time before he is in enough pain to finally make different decisions. For some people, they will die that way, which is so sad. Who knows where he is at. Regardless, he is NOT available for a relationship in the way you deserve.
“I accept him the way he is because he truly is a great person inside and used to be full of life. He’s just been crushed and can’t seem to pick himself back up” You are NOT accepting him for who he is. This side of him where he is wasting himself away in alcohol and work IS part of who he is and that is what I am referring to when I say, you need to accept ALL of him. You are wanting to change this part of him. You are wanting him to live his life differently and make different choices. He wants to be a workaholic and an alcoholic. That is the person you are choosing. When his stress is high enough, this is who he will be and how he will choose to cope with it.
I cannot tell you what to do. All I am trying to do is to shed light on your situation so that you have more information about the kind of situation you are choosing. It’s a VERY hard choice in either direction. If you choose to disconnect, you lose him. He may sink even deeper or he may finally fight for himself…who knows. But you have to go through the pain of letting him go, for the higher purpose of you fighting for yourself so you can have the opportunity for a healthier, higher functioning man to come into your life. If you stay, you will get trapped in the role of rescuer, always be in a place of wanting because he is not emotionally available for you and you will be not different than him…he wastes his energy in work and alcohol and you will be wasitng your energy trying to save him and help him at the expense of yourself. I understand he is WONDERFUL in person, so you may not be ready to give up on that yet. I totally understand that! It feels amazing and is so powerful to receive that. I wish it were like all of the time for you, but that isn’t the reality.
The analogy I like to use is this: Imagine that I give you the MOST AMAZING recipe for a cake. I give you all the best quality ingredients you can buy for the cake, but one of the ingredients you have to include is 1 cup of shit. So you can make the cake look beautiful and perfect and you can use all the best ingredients possible, but no matter what you do to that cake, you still have 1 cup of shit in it. Your relationship has wonderful ingredients for sure!!! When you are together, it even looks beautiful and perfect and amazing! It doesn’t change that the 1 cup of shit is still there. So it’s your choice to keep participating in that or not. And either choice is totally okay!!! You will have lessons that you learn about yourself either way. Pain will show up and take you on your own journey as well! It’s all good!
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
I understand how you would not want to “trust” in the experience of love, considering how it can disappear in a matter of seconds, right? The thing is, I would hate to see you give your power away. This guy, the guys before this guy, or any guy in the future, DOES NOT deserve your personal power and to ruin your experiences in life. I have gone through many breakups, but each time I made a conscious choice that I was NOT going to let that person ruin my future experiences. In my mind and in my heart, I would thank them for the experiences, the gifts, the pain and the hurt KNOWING that it was all for my healing. Each time I become MORE of who I was, not less. When you become less of who you are because you don’t want to get hurt again, you turn into a victim. You have a choice to instead empower yourself. Love is beautiful, powerful and something worth fighting for. There is not a person alive who hasn’t struggled with love on some level. It’s part of our human experience. Truth is, love is NEVER a guarantee. It is ALWAYS a risk. So it’s about you becoming strong enough to take those risks and become more expansive every time…even if you get hurt. You learn, you heal AND you get back up. Trust yourself to be able to handle whatever shows up for you. You are strong enough to handle the hurt. You are strong enough to handle the disappointment AND you are strong enough to heal. This is about making a VERY DELIBERATE choice about the kind of person you want to be in your life and how you want to respond to the pain that shows up.
“I am afraid that it could happen again. I do not know how I will move forward in the love department, I guess time will tell” This is victim thinking. Instead you could say “I am afraid that it could happen again AND I will be okay if it does. I will move forward in the love department with strength, wisdom and I will learn new things about myself every single time. I will always heal, I will always embrace whatever shows up and I will always become more of who I am, no matter what experiences show up in my life.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What???? Am I understanding correctly that he asked her to marry him??? They are engaged???
You may never have talked about the future directly, but guys can sense the intensity or feelings of someone they are dating much more than most people give them credit for. It just sounds like he felt barriers about moving forward with you. It sounds like it had nothing to do with you as a person, but more about him not feeling “matched” with you. It sounds like this other girl is activating parts of him that you wish you had. I get it. It’s not about you though. Relationships are like puzzles…it’s about finding that EXACT match where the puzzle piece fits in perfectly…and then movement can happen. When it fits, it fits. It’s not about you or him…it’s just about not being the EXACT right shape for each other to create a relationship. So again, this is not about you. It’s about him not feeling that “match” to move forward. This other girl isn’t “better” than you…she is just better for HIM. Which, if they are engaged, I would say you got lucky and dodged a bullet with this guy!
Heidi
How fun! A road trip?? It will be nice to go check out something new…just to see something different. Any ideas where you want to go?
I’m glad you connected to the whole burden thing. Well done! You are on fire! I’m so proud of the strength and courage you are embracing as you are getting to know yourself on a deeper layer. You are evolving and shifting into a more powerful, centered and grounded woman. It’s not easy, but well worth the journey.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! Your heart must have sank upon reading that for the first time. Tell me more about what your initial reaction was. What were your thoughts? What were your feelings?
Your response was great! I love that you closed it out with wanting to talk in person. SO IMPORTANT! He will have some time to really consider what is happening for him. You made some really good points, you were very adult about it and not crazy emotional at all and also talked from a space of truth and clarity. I bet he appreciated it.
Now that you have had some time to live with this, what are you doing with this information you have? He is not as invested as you are, right now. It sounds like you are in a place of wanting to go deeper and that you DO have those feelings for him…and he does not. BUT….like you said, it sounds like you both truly appreciate each other. I remember it starting out really strong, but I’m really wondering if his lack of feelings is connected to the stress of everything that has happened in the world and how everything has changed. I’ve hear that quite a bit actually. COVID has disrupted every aspect of life and men, being so much more linear thinkers than dynamic feelers like women, can easily shut down and go into survival mode – which means they don’t have much access to their feelings. Generally speaking, men don’t handle relationships and feelings very well at all, when stress is higher – especially when it triggers survival instincts.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! This is surprising news! What a really fun update! It sounds like you guys are having a great time getting to know each other. I LOVE that you are taking it slow (in your mind) and waiting until you guy meet up. So he lives in the same area as where you live? What app did you meet on?
So tell us a bit more about him. He said he would go to church with you, but it doesn’t sound like he is particularly a guy who is a Christian. What are his spiritual beliefs?
Does he have any kids? What depth of conversation are you guys going to? It sounds like he is playful and fun. Is he able to be serious and talk about deeper things as well? I LOVE that he is expressive and not afraid to tell you what he feels about you. Any “caution flags” you have noticed yet?
Heidi
Hey there!
So when it comes to people, it is EXTREMELY difficult to find a person who doesn’t have an issue with money in some form or fashion. This is a bit of a tricky subject to navigate. Let’s first get clear though. If I understand correctly, the non-negotiable is a guy who makes enough money that he can support himself and he does not rely on anyone to help him out. It would just be a bonus if he made enough money to be able to support the “family” which is you and your kids – but this aspect is NOT a non-negotiable…am I understanding this correctly?
As far as money issues, they come in all shapes and sizes. For example, he may not overspend, but what if he is so frugal that he doesn’t really know how to spend money? Or what if he has a tendency to buy a lot of stuff? Or what if he tends to give it away a lot? Money, like love, like food, like health etc. is an area that people ALWAYS have issues with. It’s inherent and comes from our parents and our experiences growing up then gets more and more shaped by life experience. What would be a good thing is for you to take a look at your own relationship with money. What areas are you really great with money and what areas could use some work?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
So what does this mean for you? What are you going to do to help yourself focus more on yourself and get your needs met instead of looking at him to make you feel better? What is your plan?
Heidi
One day at a time, right? Sometimes 1 breath at a time…I hope you were able to make space in your house in the way you needed to.
So here is something to pay attention to. It’s the language of your subconscious. You sometimes feel like a “burden.” That has nothing to do with them, right? It’s all inside of you and there is a story about you feeling like a burden somewhere – and it tends to get activated every once in awhile. My suggestion is, instead of looking to the other person to “re-assure” you so you can feel better about the situation, why not dive deeper into that story and explore it more? Your goal is to transform that “burden” story into a story that you are valuable and worth knowing…all of you, not just parts of you – and re-assure yourself.
It’s a lot of work, I know. You are working on soooo many things in your life right now and doing some incredible stuff. I just wanted to point out 1 more way to get to know yourself.
Heidi
It sounds like he is still learning a lot about himself. The younger years are A LOT about exploring and trying different things, dating different kinds of people and really figuring out who the heck you are. People end up bringing out different sides of us and that is why dating different kinds of people is really helpful in learning more about yourself. My guess is, he is just being a typical person his age. It sounds like you were more interested in being more serious and building a future together. My guess is that was not really his mindset.
Him needing to have another experience is about HIM and has nothing to do with you. He is just not in the same place as you are and not in a place where he wants to settle down and sounds like that is maybe where your mindset is. Is that correct?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and what is happening for you. It’s a lot!!!
I understand the love you have for him and I understand your DEEP desire to help him through what is happening for him. There are some things I see that you are not quite understanding about him and his behavior. Let me break it down a little more for you.
There is this thing called the “upper limit.” Dr. Harville Hendrix talks about it. It’s the limit that we allow ourselves to be happy and it’s directly connected to how much low self-esteem we have. The greater the low self-esteem, the lower the limit – our ability to be happy. I see it play out in relationships all the time. Things are going really well, the connection is deepening and then all of a sudden, 1 person will start to sabotage in some form or another. This brings drama and disconnection into the relationship which keeps that person BELOW their “upper limit” of happy. When someone actually starts to get what they want, it takes them closer and closer to that upper limit. Once that upper limit is reached, their psyche will not allow them to pass that limit, so it then becomes time to sabotage to get far away from that limit. The only way to break through that upper limit is to do deeper work on the wounds, the low self-esteem and the limiting beliefs that are there. My educated guess is, your guy doesn’t believe or feel safe to be happy in a relationship. The moment he puts you on a pedastal and him below you, he is setting himself up for failure. So because he most likely doesn’t believe that he can be happy for a sustained amount of time, he will ruin it. He most likely believes it’s better to just end it now before things get too serious or you guys get more bonded – it’s kind of like ending things early, since they are going to end anyways. Does this make sense to you??? It’s A LOT of hard work raising your upper limit. I used to have a low upper limit and I consciously saw myself sabotaging and I watched myself ruin so many perfectly wonderful experiences. It tools a handful of years to really clear enough gunk out to finally fight for my happiness instead of ruin it.
I’m curious…you say you want to help him before it’s too late. Too late for what? What are you worried about?
Let’s look at this a little more objectively. Here is a guy, divorced and shattered and unhappy in his life and has a limit as to how long he invests in a relationship. Then you come along and he is happy, but ruins it and you stick around and want to help PULL him out of his funk and “save” him. Does this sound like a healthy design for a relationship to you? It’s not your job to save him. It’s HIS job to save himself. You trying to come swoop him up and give him the courage and hope and energy to fight for his life, is actually just enabling him to stay in his funk even longer. He has to find it within himself, to fight for a better life. Otherwise, if he just plugs into your energy to live a better life, what happens when you can’t be there for him? What happens when you actually need him to help you? It’s a formula waiting for disaster.
I understand you love him and of course care deeply about him and his wellbeing. He can barely take care of himself and care about his own needs and you want him to care about your needs and be present in a relationship?? He has a lot of baggage that isn’t going away anytime soon, so it’s about accepting this is how he WANTS and CHOOSES to live his life. Can you accept this without needing him to change?
Heidi
