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Hey there!
Thank you for sharing. This just sounds like sooooo much fun! It warms my heart to finally hearing you say how cozy and wonderful this is and how responsive he is being. He is spot on – “one day at a time.” Time is going by so fast now, isn’t it? Before you know it, it’s going to be Christmas and New Years. The holidays are going to be sooooo strange this year, aren’t they?
If you take the 3 weeks off, why not get home and immediately do a Covid test – then you don’t have to quarantine for the full 14 days?
I love that he is bringing the mountains to you! He knows how much that is in your heart and you sure need that right now!
Everyone here is pretty good about wearing masks at stores and what not, but on trails or outside, hardly anyone is doing it – which I get. So many people have different opinions about masks – it would be much easier if everyone was just on the same page. It will never happen though.
I’m having fun this summer exploring TONS of new trails. I’m driving anywhere from 90 min to 3 hours away from my home to go hike a new trail. I went near Vail last weekend and got my ass kicked! I hiked up to a lake, but it was a 2 hour climb – and of course the last 45 minutes were super intense…lol. I loved it though. It’s so darn beautiful!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m glad you guys finally have a date to meet!
The goal is to use your voice despite the fear of telling you to say silent. All of which you are doing right now and he is responding really well! << You are speaking about my goal which is responding well or him? lol I’m lost sorry – this was about YOU – about you speaking up instead of staying silent.
There is no such thing as “too late.” I have so much more faith and trust in the universe, god, spirit (whatever you want to call it). If he doesn’t want to give you this a second chance, I would say it’s more you being rescued than it being “too late.” I mean…it would say that you are finding out sooner than later that he is not a guy who is curious enough about his own life to have the capacity to even be curious enough about you. I would say that he is not a fighter to the level that would be able to match what you offer. I would say that he is a guy who still has a lot fo woundedness to take care of and isn’t willing to go that route…at least not right now. So in the end, you are being “rescued” by finding out sooner than later that he is not a good long term match for you. So there is no such thing as “too late.”
In the meantime, do all your work of forgiveness around your limitations. Clear as much anxiety, hurt etc. BEFORE you meet, so you are more clear, solid and have a clean connection.
I would suggest to just ask questions and not lead him into deeper thinking. If you REALLY want a guy who “but I really need someone able to grow with me on the “protecting scheme” and open to working on a common plan to ensure it’s working. And who would agree to speak openly even if as you said we might end up in a “fight” but that we would work on a solution and not only remain on the issue/problem/fight” – then it’s important for you to see what he does with this conversation ON HIS OWN. What is his natural response? What is his natural inclination? So I would keep to sticking to talking about yourself and then LEARN about him by observing what he does with that. This might REALLY open your eyes to the kind of guy he is under some stress in a relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello!
You are asking a great question. Truth is, it’s really hard to tell where he is at. He sounds confused. On the one hand, he is quite connective, but then he isn’t. Bottom line is though, a guy who is split like that, meaning he has 2 parts of him that are doing different things, he will be A LOT of work.
It doesn’t matter who HE is. What matters is how YOU want to feel. Don’t you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from meeting up with you? Don’t you want a guy who is 100% in alignment with his words and actions? Don’t you want a guy who is excited to see you and makes plans with you, because he loves being around you?? If this is what you want, then this guy is NOT that guy. Plain and simple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
The text you sent would have caused him to feel a lot of pressure and most likely cause him to NOT respond. Especially the part where you said, “dream come true.” To a guy, he interprets words like that as “This girl wants to marry me.” That’s why I wanted to encourage you to “play it cool.” Guys tend to respond more to a girl who is okay without them, has a life without them and a girl they need to chase a bit. Your message basically is you chasing him and trying to convince him to come back to you. He is not responding because he is not in the same mindset as you.
I would suggest giving it some time. Wait a few weeks and let’s see what happens. DO NOT reach out to him. He needs to feel your strength and ability to give him some distance. If he is already really active on Tinder, he is just looking for something light and easy – which is not what you were presenting to him. He most likely has already been talking to a few other women. That’s okay though. If you KNOW you are a badass woman who is worth fighting for, he will be more attracted to that. If you behave in a way where you feel competitive and threatened by the other women, he will feel that insecurity. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
This is really strange. SOMETHING has happened to him or inside of him and he is just not telling you. Or it’s possible he just doesn’t have any awareness. Most people just believe what they is real. Our emotions are NOT the facts, but it’s a rare person who really connects to that. His feeling of wanting to disconnect, is coming from a place that is much deeper. Usually it’s from a place of fear when it is something so sudden. What is he afraid of? Who knows. Something has triggered him and it’s not your fault. I guarantee whatever he is afraid of, it was there and living inside of him way before you came along. Maybe he wants to go live his life a little longer before settling down. Maybe he is afraid of not being able to provide for you guys. Maybe he is afraid of not being the kind of man that you deserve or the kind of father his child deserves. Again, I doubt he is connected to any of this, which makes it REALLY difficult to create resolution.
So now that you guys are broken up, what is the plan? Have you guys talked at all about what the next steps are? You can’t keep living this way. Someone needs to move out.
In the meantime, you being kind, fun, light and a pleasure to be around, can help him feel more safe in your presence. It’s also a good thing for you to start building your life outside of him. Men LOVE to know their women have friends and have a life separate than them. Are you going out at all? What kinds of things are you doing to have some fun in your life? Him watching you do this, may actually caused him to want to connect a little more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I LOVE all of your thoughts and questions. They are spot on!
Here is the thing about love. Love has a million different levels which is why there is no one REAL definition of love. What I do know is that love needs to include BOTH people. Meaning, true love includes loving another along WITH yourself. I know MANY people who “love” their partners, but in choosing to “love” their partners, they are not loving themselves, because their partner is abusive or neglectful or toxic. This is NOT love, it’s connection through woundedness. I personally like to view love as something that is expansive. When I have loved, it’s an experience that causes me to be more of who I am. It opens me. It inspires me to want to be more, do more, experience more. It empowers me. Of course love will also bring experiences of contraction through arguments and discord sometimes, but even in those moments, there is respect of each other and a willingness to grow and learn and work through it. So even in that contraction, there is expansion energy. Now….of course if you get down to the core root of it all, love with another is REALLY loving who WE are and how WE feel when we are around that person. So yes, there is ego involved for sure, but that’s okay! It’s normal and it’s not the full picture. It’s just one part of love and it’s a good thing! We NEED to ego. It’s in important and useful part to help us function in this world.
The bottom line is, whatever you were feeling for him, it was healthy for you. You were becoming more of yourself. When you think of him, you smile. You had fun. He brought MORE into your life instead of making your life smaller. Even now, as he has pulled away, you are becoming more as you seeing some of your tendencies and how they contributed to what has happened. So bottom line is, up to this point, he has been an incredible experience for you!I understand your frustrations about your inability to open up more. It’s something many people struggle with. Love is a risk. It’s your heart and I don’t know anyone who isn’t cautious about handing it over so easily. The thing is, you will NEVER not be afraid. Fear will always be there as you step more into your voice and communicate more authentic feelings with someone new. You never know how they are going to respond, so a little fear is appropriate. The goal is to be MORE than your fear. The goal is to use your voice despite the fear telling you to say silent. All of which you are doing right now and he is responding really well!
I have this feeling that he is protecting his heart as well – just like you were. I would agree that his house, this pandemic, his job and testing, living with his parents etc. all have caused an amount of stress that took away his ability to feel and stay connected with you. I HIGHLY doubt he is aware of this though. Many guys, and people for that matter, believe whatever they feel is real, when most of the time, it’s just a cover for something deeper going on. Very few people truly understand the REAL source of their emotions and what is happening for them. You are digging deep and trying to find your REAL source. I doubt he is. Most women are much better at it than their men and we typically tend to be the leaders in this area – most of my boyfriends have always said, “I have never had the experience of being so well known as I have with you.” I would lead them deeper into themselves and help them connect the dots to all of their patterns and feelings (not the healthiest design for me btw). So talking about yourself and YOUR realizations will role model for him where he needs to go inside himself. Let’s see if he is willing. If he ends up taking his feelings for face value and doesn’t want to look deeper, then this guy isn’t for you anyways. You NEED a guy who is willing to look past the surface. You are much too deep of a person to accept anything less than someone who is curious about himself. So you will learn about him and how he wants to live his life. If he doesn’t want to be curious about himself and about you, then he is not a good match. If he is, then he will spend time with this, consider all that you are saying and you guys will have a really good conversation! He would be lucky to have a 2nd chance with you and vice versa. You both have an opportunity to grow.
Heidi
Wow! That’s impressive that you got match to give you a little more time for free! Well done!! So I’m curious. What about his message made you go to the extent of arguing with Match to be able to connect? That’s quite the length to go to. Was there something different about his message or were you just really curious?
I love that you guys are really getting to know each other daily. It’s the best and only option for this moment in time and it really develops good communication skills.
So why was he wanting to move? I still don’t know where he lives in relation to where your home is. Is he pretty close?
“I don’t really think about the future with him.” You actually DO think about a future with him more than you realize. You are already getting wrapped up in him and building your “future” with him in it, as he is doing the same with you. Truth is, if either of you decided to disconnect today, there would be a lot of hurt. You’re invested and it sounds like he is too. And that’s okay! It’s what you guys are wanting to design and you both are on the same page and you will take your journey together. It’s exciting! I’m truly excited for you Rhonda. This has been a long time coming and many lessons learned along the way. Now, you get to have some new lessons and new experiences while having a deeper connection. Yay!!!
Heidi
Interesting! I’m glad you connected to this! Personal space is something sooo valuable and sacred isn’t it? I get it though. My personal space is clean and organized most of the time. I have my moments, but to be honest, I do little things every single day that just take a few minutes, so that my space stays clean and I don’t have to spend a few hours, all at once (although that happens sometimes too). However, if I had kids, I would ABSOLUTELY delegate some “chores” for them. It’s their space too! Don’t they need to learn to value their space by taking care of it? You could have designated the bathroom to your daughter. It’s also part of you letting go of some control, right? Your kids don’t have to touch anything personal, but they can definitely help out with the common areas, right? Why not? You guys work TOGETHER to create a nice home. It’s what you would do anyway when you live with your guy down the road. Just a thought!
Anyways, I love all these little gems that you are discovering about yourself and how you are just immediately implementing them! It feels so good, right??
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges!
Let’s go a little deeper. Your fear of pushing him away is causing you not to feel safe to express your authentic self. Anytime we let fear govern how we respond in a relationship, it’s a big red flag! It helps us recognize where we have some limiting beliefs and patterns in ourselves.
I understand there are some underlying issues that have caused you guys to take a break 4 different times and you don’t want a 5th time. I imagine his texting behavior is the least of the issues, yes? Or maybe his texting behavior is a symptom of a deeper issue? Thoughts?
Whenever confronting someone about a behavior that you struggle with, approach it with the mindset of curiosity first. It helps the other person not be so defensive at first. So you could say something like, “So I was wondering something and I”m hoping you could teach me something about you. I sometimes text things and ask you questions and you don’t end up responding to my questions at all. And sometimes you do. Like I asked you to go shoe shopping with me and you never responded, but you did respond to my other question……I’m wondering what the difference is for you. I’m curious.” And then you can follow up with “If you don’t answer one of my questions, is it best to just ask again and keep bugging you until I get an answer? What works best for you?”
The goal with this approach is to gain an understanding about how he functions, how he thinks, how he goes through his day. The more you understand about how he functions, the easier it is for you to understand what is happening in those moments where he doesn’t respond. So again, being CURIOUS about who he is, is the key ingredient. He will feel like you are truly wanting to learn about him vs. attacking him or telling him he is doing something wrong. How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Thanks for sharing more of your thoughts! I’m sorry I was a bit confusing. Let me see if I can clear it up a little. It’s a bit tough over technology isn’t it?
“Now if we said to give up on every broken person, this world be a crappy place” I’m not saying to give up on broken people. I’m just saying it’s not a healthy design to build a romantic relationship on. “Broken” people have help all over the place. There are a MILLION books, therapists, coaches, friends, family, animals, etc. that are around us all of the time and can help us ANYTIME we ask for it. But to build a romantic relationship where one person plays the “rescuer” role and the other person plays the “broken role,” it’s a design that will not last. There are seasons in a relationship where that dynamic may play out, but when it’s healthy, it’s more about supporting your partner vs. rescuing your partner. Besides, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. He is in a place where he is not interested in fighting for himself. He would rather become an alcoholic and work himself into the ground. You could try and help him all you want, but ultimately, he has to want to help himself and fight for a new way of living. You can support him by maybe giving him books to read, give him a website of good articles to read or a good therapist or support groups, but YOU CANNOT do the work for him. You CANNOT help him heal. That is HIS path and his alone. I DEEPLY understand how painful it is to watch someone you care about, destroy their life. I know this may sound really weird, but one thing I learned over the years is to get waaaay more comfortable with the pain people feel. I used to try and help and save all kinds of people in pain. In reality, it was my way of trying to help myself. I couldn’t stand my own pain, therefore I couldn’t stand other peoples’ pain, therefore rescuing them would make me feel better. I learned though, that many time those people would plug into ME as their source instead of sourcing themselves. Very unhealthy! It became part of my identity with them and that is the danger of being that person for him. It will imprint a dynamic in the relationship where you will be the one to rescue and he will be the one who needs rescuing and he will rely on YOU instead of himself. You become his crutch. When I say to get more comfortable with the pain, it’s about TRUSTING the pain is good for him. There is nothing like pain that can light a fire under someone’s ass to get moving. Pain is a motivator. Pain makes people move out of their behaviors faster. He NEEDS to be hurting right now so he can find something inside of himself to start to fight for more. If you keep helping him relieve that pain, he won’t have any reason to change how he is responding to his life. Everyone has a different pain tolerance though. It may take a looooong time before he is in enough pain to finally make different decisions. For some people, they will die that way, which is so sad. Who knows where he is at. Regardless, he is NOT available for a relationship in the way you deserve.
“I accept him the way he is because he truly is a great person inside and used to be full of life. He’s just been crushed and can’t seem to pick himself back up” You are NOT accepting him for who he is. This side of him where he is wasting himself away in alcohol and work IS part of who he is and that is what I am referring to when I say, you need to accept ALL of him. You are wanting to change this part of him. You are wanting him to live his life differently and make different choices. He wants to be a workaholic and an alcoholic. That is the person you are choosing. When his stress is high enough, this is who he will be and how he will choose to cope with it.
I cannot tell you what to do. All I am trying to do is to shed light on your situation so that you have more information about the kind of situation you are choosing. It’s a VERY hard choice in either direction. If you choose to disconnect, you lose him. He may sink even deeper or he may finally fight for himself…who knows. But you have to go through the pain of letting him go, for the higher purpose of you fighting for yourself so you can have the opportunity for a healthier, higher functioning man to come into your life. If you stay, you will get trapped in the role of rescuer, always be in a place of wanting because he is not emotionally available for you and you will be not different than him…he wastes his energy in work and alcohol and you will be wasitng your energy trying to save him and help him at the expense of yourself. I understand he is WONDERFUL in person, so you may not be ready to give up on that yet. I totally understand that! It feels amazing and is so powerful to receive that. I wish it were like all of the time for you, but that isn’t the reality.
The analogy I like to use is this: Imagine that I give you the MOST AMAZING recipe for a cake. I give you all the best quality ingredients you can buy for the cake, but one of the ingredients you have to include is 1 cup of shit. So you can make the cake look beautiful and perfect and you can use all the best ingredients possible, but no matter what you do to that cake, you still have 1 cup of shit in it. Your relationship has wonderful ingredients for sure!!! When you are together, it even looks beautiful and perfect and amazing! It doesn’t change that the 1 cup of shit is still there. So it’s your choice to keep participating in that or not. And either choice is totally okay!!! You will have lessons that you learn about yourself either way. Pain will show up and take you on your own journey as well! It’s all good!
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
I understand how you would not want to “trust” in the experience of love, considering how it can disappear in a matter of seconds, right? The thing is, I would hate to see you give your power away. This guy, the guys before this guy, or any guy in the future, DOES NOT deserve your personal power and to ruin your experiences in life. I have gone through many breakups, but each time I made a conscious choice that I was NOT going to let that person ruin my future experiences. In my mind and in my heart, I would thank them for the experiences, the gifts, the pain and the hurt KNOWING that it was all for my healing. Each time I become MORE of who I was, not less. When you become less of who you are because you don’t want to get hurt again, you turn into a victim. You have a choice to instead empower yourself. Love is beautiful, powerful and something worth fighting for. There is not a person alive who hasn’t struggled with love on some level. It’s part of our human experience. Truth is, love is NEVER a guarantee. It is ALWAYS a risk. So it’s about you becoming strong enough to take those risks and become more expansive every time…even if you get hurt. You learn, you heal AND you get back up. Trust yourself to be able to handle whatever shows up for you. You are strong enough to handle the hurt. You are strong enough to handle the disappointment AND you are strong enough to heal. This is about making a VERY DELIBERATE choice about the kind of person you want to be in your life and how you want to respond to the pain that shows up.
“I am afraid that it could happen again. I do not know how I will move forward in the love department, I guess time will tell” This is victim thinking. Instead you could say “I am afraid that it could happen again AND I will be okay if it does. I will move forward in the love department with strength, wisdom and I will learn new things about myself every single time. I will always heal, I will always embrace whatever shows up and I will always become more of who I am, no matter what experiences show up in my life.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What???? Am I understanding correctly that he asked her to marry him??? They are engaged???
You may never have talked about the future directly, but guys can sense the intensity or feelings of someone they are dating much more than most people give them credit for. It just sounds like he felt barriers about moving forward with you. It sounds like it had nothing to do with you as a person, but more about him not feeling “matched” with you. It sounds like this other girl is activating parts of him that you wish you had. I get it. It’s not about you though. Relationships are like puzzles…it’s about finding that EXACT match where the puzzle piece fits in perfectly…and then movement can happen. When it fits, it fits. It’s not about you or him…it’s just about not being the EXACT right shape for each other to create a relationship. So again, this is not about you. It’s about him not feeling that “match” to move forward. This other girl isn’t “better” than you…she is just better for HIM. Which, if they are engaged, I would say you got lucky and dodged a bullet with this guy!
Heidi
How fun! A road trip?? It will be nice to go check out something new…just to see something different. Any ideas where you want to go?
I’m glad you connected to the whole burden thing. Well done! You are on fire! I’m so proud of the strength and courage you are embracing as you are getting to know yourself on a deeper layer. You are evolving and shifting into a more powerful, centered and grounded woman. It’s not easy, but well worth the journey.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! Your heart must have sank upon reading that for the first time. Tell me more about what your initial reaction was. What were your thoughts? What were your feelings?
Your response was great! I love that you closed it out with wanting to talk in person. SO IMPORTANT! He will have some time to really consider what is happening for him. You made some really good points, you were very adult about it and not crazy emotional at all and also talked from a space of truth and clarity. I bet he appreciated it.
Now that you have had some time to live with this, what are you doing with this information you have? He is not as invested as you are, right now. It sounds like you are in a place of wanting to go deeper and that you DO have those feelings for him…and he does not. BUT….like you said, it sounds like you both truly appreciate each other. I remember it starting out really strong, but I’m really wondering if his lack of feelings is connected to the stress of everything that has happened in the world and how everything has changed. I’ve hear that quite a bit actually. COVID has disrupted every aspect of life and men, being so much more linear thinkers than dynamic feelers like women, can easily shut down and go into survival mode – which means they don’t have much access to their feelings. Generally speaking, men don’t handle relationships and feelings very well at all, when stress is higher – especially when it triggers survival instincts.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! This is surprising news! What a really fun update! It sounds like you guys are having a great time getting to know each other. I LOVE that you are taking it slow (in your mind) and waiting until you guy meet up. So he lives in the same area as where you live? What app did you meet on?
So tell us a bit more about him. He said he would go to church with you, but it doesn’t sound like he is particularly a guy who is a Christian. What are his spiritual beliefs?
Does he have any kids? What depth of conversation are you guys going to? It sounds like he is playful and fun. Is he able to be serious and talk about deeper things as well? I LOVE that he is expressive and not afraid to tell you what he feels about you. Any “caution flags” you have noticed yet?
Heidi
