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Hi Abigail,
I think saying something super simple, short and light is a good approach…but not for a few weeks. Give him more space and time for right now.
You can say something to the effect of: “These past few months have been very eye-opening for me. I just wanted to apologize. I’ve looked at my behavior and emotional reactions and the amount of pressure I was putting on you. Wow! 3 strikes for me, right? lol. My mom also let me know how you felt that you couldn’t reason with me. I see that. Honestly, I get why you have disconnected. You’ve been amazing for me on a lot of levels and even in this disconnect, I am seeing so many places I could have been better as a partner and friend to you. Live and learn, right? Anyways, I just wanted to apologize and appreciate you. I am open to starting over, taking it super slow or even just building a friendship if you are ever ready at some point. If not, I understand and respect that too. Sending you lots of love as you navigate your life right now. I’m here if you ever want to reach out again.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
So did you ask for those 3 weeks off? When do you guys get to meet in person???
I’m so glad to know this is different for you and that you feel so comfortable. It will be soooo interesting as this unfolds. It’s a completely new adventure for you!!!!
Heidi
Oh Bummer!!!! That’s disappointing! I’m sorry to hear that! I sure hope he shows up and doesn’t postpone again. I am soooo curious as to how your conversation goes.
Heidi
Hi Nienna,
Welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here. I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is sooo difficult to say goodbye to someone you deeply care about. It hurts like crazy and all you can think about is getting them back, so you don’t have to feel hurt anymore.
It sounds like it really is over…for right now. Whatever he is going through, it sounds like he is clear that he needs to be alone and not be in any kind of relationship, even if it’s just sex. I wonder if he got some sort of health diagnoses that is more on a serious note.
I understand you are confused. The thing is, he is not fully disclosing what is happening for him, so you are just going to have to accept that you might not get answers from him. Your job is to just accept what he is saying and respect what he needs right now.
I understand you guys have been on and off again for quite awhile. It doesn’t sound like it’s been the healthiest thing for either of you. Maybe taking a break for awhile can help you guys find a new way to connect that is more respectful. Is that something you are open to?
Heidi
No kidding, right?? I know how hard it has been being there and not having your beautiful outdoors to play in. I’m SOOOO glad Robin is bringing some spice into your life and treating you in such a beautiful way!!! It’s about time! And I’m glad you are receiving it!
ARe there any fears coming up for you, that you have notice?
Heidi
Okay…there is a plan in place. There is not much more you can do. Well done on making this happen and well done on putting yourself out there in a new way. No matter how this ends up, you have had some BIG growth spurts. Of course you will be nervous, afraid and unsure, but that’s okay! You know what you want, you know what you deserve and you know what you are worth. Whether he sees that or not or wants to fight for you or not, it doesn’t change how freakin’ badass you are!
What are you making for dinner?
Heidi
Hi Daisha,
You are asking such a great question!
Being friends with guys is NOT possible as long as there are still feelings involved on your end. Being friends with a guy is different than with girls as you end up talking about different things, you end up doing different activities, but it’s just as effortless as it would be with a girl. It should feel natural. With my guy friends, we connect occasionally and have “catch up” kind of conversations. A guy that is part of your daily life, as a friend, is not really normal. That’s building intimacy and it’s very easy for feelings to become involved from either side.
You might want to just honor that you need some time to adjust to how you are feeling before jumping into a friendship. There is ALWAYS a window of time that is needed after a breakup, to allow for healing. Once you feel indifferent, THEN friendship is possible. I always test it out by imagining running into my ex and seeing him with another girl. If I don’t have ANY response except for happiness for him, THEN I am truly indifferent. If I have hurt feelings on any level, I’m still not 100% resolved. So you need to be indifferent before truly being friends with him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. You are asking some great questions.
The first thing I’d like to address is your emotional reaction to him not being as responsive as you wanted him to be. I imagine this is not a new pattern for you, correct? I imagine that when you don’t feel like a priority and feel the same level investment from someone, your feelings get hurt and you have an emotional reaction, yes? Tell me more about this. I understand that you see many areas that you could have done better. The thing is, you may be able to manage your response better, but your initial emotional reaction will always be there. Have you ever explored what is happening on a deeper level for you? The reason I am suggesting a deeper dive into yourself, is because we can only manage our patterns and our emotional reactions for so longer, before we start to get messy again. So even though you have learned new ways to deal with things, the emotions are still there and will come out again…maybe not about his work, but about something else that will show up in the relationship. You said you had a rough marriage. Have you ever worked with anyone to help you heal the challenges?
He also is coming out of a really hard situation. He is going to have A LOT of barriers up and as you are discovering, he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything but easy. Truthfully, he is NOT ready to be in a relationship with you, or anyone else for that matter. He needs things to be light, fun and connective and have NO drama. That’s just not realistic. Relationships have arguments and EVERYONE has red flags. It sounds like he just does not have the capacity to deal with any red flags. He is super gun shy. The moment something a bit challenging shows up, he is asking for friendship. He sounds VERY tired. So what is MOST important for you to realize, is that he is not able to offer you what you want, for right now. He is not really available for a mature, healthy relationship and all that it entails…arguments and red flags included. As he has told you AND shown you, he is disconnecting the moment you stress him out. He just isn’t ready to be in a serious, committed, all-in relationship.
So if you want to stay connected, then keep giving him space. For now, maybe start drafting a short message to him talking about everything you learned about yourself and an apology. I would not start with the hero instinct quite yet. His walls are up and he already feels like he is at full capacity with work and other areas of his life. Asking him to do anything for you at this point, will most likely feel more overwhelming than anything. Wait another couple of weeks and show him you can give him all the space he needs. Then at some point, you can send him that message.
I know you REALLY want this to work out, but considering where he is at in his life, he needs some serious time before he is ready to be good for anyone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Can you share more detail? I”m not sure I understand what happened, so it’s hard to help guide you through these next steps.
What did he say after you mentioned that he hurt your feelings? Did you do it in person or over text?
One thing about communicating our feelings, is it’s important to remember that our story about how something happens, is not EVER the full story. So when expressing how you feel, you want to make sure that you are not putting YOUR story on their story. You said he “disregarded” your message. That basically is assuming what he did because that is the story you created around what happened. So when you talk about your feelings, a good formula to use is “When you did this…..this is how it made me feel….” So another way you could have talked to him would be “When you didn’t respond back to my message, I felt hurt. I felt disregarded.” Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements is so important. You are saying “I” feel disregarded instead of “You disregarded me.” Feel the difference in the tone?
I do want to truly acknowledge you!!! That fact that you said anything at all about how you felt is a HUGE step and I want to acknowledge you for that!!! Well done and I really celebrate you!!! Communicating is so difficult!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you went for it and put yourself out there! Are you glad you did it? HOw do you feel about it?
Heidi
Good questions!
I find it interesting that you say it would sacrifice your “own” financial stability. Once you combine finances, it’s a “we” situation, right? Unless you plan on NOT combining finances – which a lot of couples do, but still the bottom line is, they share a living space, they share all kinds of things, so their lives are combined.
The answer to your question varies upon the person. Remember there are no “right” or “wrong” decisions. All there is, is a journey to take. Whatever path a person takes, there are lessons to learn. So it depends on what lessons you want to learn. If you gave him the money at the expense of your own financial stability, you would learn what that feels like, you might learn that you will still end up being okay and figuring things out, you might feel it was worth it to support your man’s dreams, you might discover he more irresponsible with money than you thought, you might learn that it doesn’t feel good for you to jeopardize yourself like that….if you decided NOT to help him, you might learn a new side to him and how he reacts to not having your support, you might learn that it feels REALLY good to not give yourself and your feeling of safety away to another person – even if you love him, you might learn how to help him and support him other ways….so either path has lessons for you.
I think that if you were ever in that situation, your decision would depend on the kind of person he is, whether you trust him, whether you feel safe with him on all levels, whether you believe in his vision, what the state of yours and his finances are, his habits with money etc.
I know it’s not a direct answer. This truly is more about the kind of guy you end up choosing.
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing. This just sounds like sooooo much fun! It warms my heart to finally hearing you say how cozy and wonderful this is and how responsive he is being. He is spot on – “one day at a time.” Time is going by so fast now, isn’t it? Before you know it, it’s going to be Christmas and New Years. The holidays are going to be sooooo strange this year, aren’t they?
If you take the 3 weeks off, why not get home and immediately do a Covid test – then you don’t have to quarantine for the full 14 days?
I love that he is bringing the mountains to you! He knows how much that is in your heart and you sure need that right now!
Everyone here is pretty good about wearing masks at stores and what not, but on trails or outside, hardly anyone is doing it – which I get. So many people have different opinions about masks – it would be much easier if everyone was just on the same page. It will never happen though.
I’m having fun this summer exploring TONS of new trails. I’m driving anywhere from 90 min to 3 hours away from my home to go hike a new trail. I went near Vail last weekend and got my ass kicked! I hiked up to a lake, but it was a 2 hour climb – and of course the last 45 minutes were super intense…lol. I loved it though. It’s so darn beautiful!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m glad you guys finally have a date to meet!
The goal is to use your voice despite the fear of telling you to say silent. All of which you are doing right now and he is responding really well! << You are speaking about my goal which is responding well or him? lol I’m lost sorry – this was about YOU – about you speaking up instead of staying silent.
There is no such thing as “too late.” I have so much more faith and trust in the universe, god, spirit (whatever you want to call it). If he doesn’t want to give you this a second chance, I would say it’s more you being rescued than it being “too late.” I mean…it would say that you are finding out sooner than later that he is not a guy who is curious enough about his own life to have the capacity to even be curious enough about you. I would say that he is not a fighter to the level that would be able to match what you offer. I would say that he is a guy who still has a lot fo woundedness to take care of and isn’t willing to go that route…at least not right now. So in the end, you are being “rescued” by finding out sooner than later that he is not a good long term match for you. So there is no such thing as “too late.”
In the meantime, do all your work of forgiveness around your limitations. Clear as much anxiety, hurt etc. BEFORE you meet, so you are more clear, solid and have a clean connection.
I would suggest to just ask questions and not lead him into deeper thinking. If you REALLY want a guy who “but I really need someone able to grow with me on the “protecting scheme” and open to working on a common plan to ensure it’s working. And who would agree to speak openly even if as you said we might end up in a “fight” but that we would work on a solution and not only remain on the issue/problem/fight” – then it’s important for you to see what he does with this conversation ON HIS OWN. What is his natural response? What is his natural inclination? So I would keep to sticking to talking about yourself and then LEARN about him by observing what he does with that. This might REALLY open your eyes to the kind of guy he is under some stress in a relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello!
You are asking a great question. Truth is, it’s really hard to tell where he is at. He sounds confused. On the one hand, he is quite connective, but then he isn’t. Bottom line is though, a guy who is split like that, meaning he has 2 parts of him that are doing different things, he will be A LOT of work.
It doesn’t matter who HE is. What matters is how YOU want to feel. Don’t you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from meeting up with you? Don’t you want a guy who is 100% in alignment with his words and actions? Don’t you want a guy who is excited to see you and makes plans with you, because he loves being around you?? If this is what you want, then this guy is NOT that guy. Plain and simple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
The text you sent would have caused him to feel a lot of pressure and most likely cause him to NOT respond. Especially the part where you said, “dream come true.” To a guy, he interprets words like that as “This girl wants to marry me.” That’s why I wanted to encourage you to “play it cool.” Guys tend to respond more to a girl who is okay without them, has a life without them and a girl they need to chase a bit. Your message basically is you chasing him and trying to convince him to come back to you. He is not responding because he is not in the same mindset as you.
I would suggest giving it some time. Wait a few weeks and let’s see what happens. DO NOT reach out to him. He needs to feel your strength and ability to give him some distance. If he is already really active on Tinder, he is just looking for something light and easy – which is not what you were presenting to him. He most likely has already been talking to a few other women. That’s okay though. If you KNOW you are a badass woman who is worth fighting for, he will be more attracted to that. If you behave in a way where you feel competitive and threatened by the other women, he will feel that insecurity. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
This is really strange. SOMETHING has happened to him or inside of him and he is just not telling you. Or it’s possible he just doesn’t have any awareness. Most people just believe what they is real. Our emotions are NOT the facts, but it’s a rare person who really connects to that. His feeling of wanting to disconnect, is coming from a place that is much deeper. Usually it’s from a place of fear when it is something so sudden. What is he afraid of? Who knows. Something has triggered him and it’s not your fault. I guarantee whatever he is afraid of, it was there and living inside of him way before you came along. Maybe he wants to go live his life a little longer before settling down. Maybe he is afraid of not being able to provide for you guys. Maybe he is afraid of not being the kind of man that you deserve or the kind of father his child deserves. Again, I doubt he is connected to any of this, which makes it REALLY difficult to create resolution.
So now that you guys are broken up, what is the plan? Have you guys talked at all about what the next steps are? You can’t keep living this way. Someone needs to move out.
In the meantime, you being kind, fun, light and a pleasure to be around, can help him feel more safe in your presence. It’s also a good thing for you to start building your life outside of him. Men LOVE to know their women have friends and have a life separate than them. Are you going out at all? What kinds of things are you doing to have some fun in your life? Him watching you do this, may actually caused him to want to connect a little more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
