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Hi Kim,
So what do you want? Write out what you want to say to him and what you want to ask for. It will be helpful and then we can help you sculpt a really good approach. Then you just practice saying it out loud in your car, your shower, while you are cooking…say it out loud over and over and over again. This is so important so that when you finally do say it, it will feel so much more natural and comforable.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m soooo sorry to hear this! It completely sucks! I wonder what she is reacting to that is in you? It’s so strange isn’t it? Maybe she is jealous, maybe you remind her of the girl that bullied her in grade school, maybe she feels threatened by you, maybe she thinks you said something bad about her…who knows. It’s a mystery, but no matter the reason, it’s not your fault. Whenever I come across people like that, I “kill them with kindness.” I pray for them, I ask God to show me the person through His eyes of truth and not my own. I dig deep to find my compassion and connect to the fear or struggle they must be going through to feel they need to be so abrasive. That’s the REAL truth. She is struggling with something and obviously not handling it in a nice way and you happen to be her target. I also keep asking God to put white light around the whole situation.
Is there anything you can think of that she might be upset about?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! What a night! There is so much to say.
First, I just want to commend you on your ability to break this down for yourself. Love is sooooo tricky! Many times we feel all kinds of feelings in our lives that actually are not true. The feelings are coming from a place of woundedness or trying to avoid what we DON’T want to feel, so we feel the opposite. It’s a tricky business TRULY understand our feelings. This is an area I am VERY skilled at. I question EVERYTHING I feel and where it’s REALLY being sourced from. Yes, it’s a bit obsessive. It’s a kickass skill I have, but also gets in the way – lol. Anyways, whether the source of our feelings are true and authentic or coming from a place of avoidance and woundedness, it feels EXACTLY the same – and that’s why it gets so mucky. When it comes to love, people LOVE feeling how they feel. All the butterflies, the connection, the memories and they choose to ignore the red flags. They don’t want to give up the good stuff and many times magnify the good stuff, especially because they haven’t had it in a while or never had it before. It’s POWERFUL!!! The good feelings and chemistry is so darn powerful! I’m glad you were able to recognize all of this about yourself. Our hearts are worth valuing and caring for, therefore taking the journey deep inside to truly understand what we are feeling is so important.
So it sounds like it was a wonderful experience with him, it sounds like when you look back, you saw signs of him not being very open from the beginning, it sounds like you knew on a deeper level this wasn’t going to work. He sounds so shut down. He sounds like he is still pretty damaged and doesn’t really have the capability to have an intimate relationship right now. Well, at least he gave it shot and he couldn’t have picked a better person than you! You helped change his life too. You helped him learn and grow at the level he is ready for. He may not know it yet, but you touched his heart.
Now it’s just time for you to cry and release the sadness and hurt. Even though you have all these realizations, it still doesn’t change that it hurts. Your life will feel a more empty now for a bit of time and that is always an adjustment. Darn! I was really rooting for this one!
Heidi
Hi Michelle, welcome!!!
I’m sooooo glad you went with option 1! Well done! So are you guys actually talking again? Did he have anything to say about your abrupt breakup??
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I think Kanya is spot on with saying that he goes for playfulness and sex when something more intense shows up. It sounds like he is just completely uncomfortable with any type of confrontation. He sounds quite fragile. So in his mind, he can have sex while he is being told that he hurt your feelings. Not a good formula. I think he is just as uncomfortable, if not more than you, about talking about anything serious and dealing with any hurt emotions.
Just like you, HE has to decide that his voice is worth using, listening to and fighting for. But he has to be ready for that. It sounds like he just isn’t in that kind of headspace to take that journey, like you are doing.
So in the future, if he responds with some type of sexual comment, you know NOT to take it personally…he is just really uncomfortable and fragile and that is how he deals with it and that is just who he is right now.
You questioning his intentions is spot on as well. He is trying to avoid your feelings basically and is wanting to ignore them. So, you can either keep pestering him or you can just accept that this is who he is and if you want to stay with him, this is part of the package. Lastly, I would NOT tell him about any hurt feelings you have about anything over text. Make it a general rule to say those kinds of things in person to him, if possible.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
I think saying something super simple, short and light is a good approach…but not for a few weeks. Give him more space and time for right now.
You can say something to the effect of: “These past few months have been very eye-opening for me. I just wanted to apologize. I’ve looked at my behavior and emotional reactions and the amount of pressure I was putting on you. Wow! 3 strikes for me, right? lol. My mom also let me know how you felt that you couldn’t reason with me. I see that. Honestly, I get why you have disconnected. You’ve been amazing for me on a lot of levels and even in this disconnect, I am seeing so many places I could have been better as a partner and friend to you. Live and learn, right? Anyways, I just wanted to apologize and appreciate you. I am open to starting over, taking it super slow or even just building a friendship if you are ever ready at some point. If not, I understand and respect that too. Sending you lots of love as you navigate your life right now. I’m here if you ever want to reach out again.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
So did you ask for those 3 weeks off? When do you guys get to meet in person???
I’m so glad to know this is different for you and that you feel so comfortable. It will be soooo interesting as this unfolds. It’s a completely new adventure for you!!!!
Heidi
Oh Bummer!!!! That’s disappointing! I’m sorry to hear that! I sure hope he shows up and doesn’t postpone again. I am soooo curious as to how your conversation goes.
Heidi
Hi Nienna,
Welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here. I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is sooo difficult to say goodbye to someone you deeply care about. It hurts like crazy and all you can think about is getting them back, so you don’t have to feel hurt anymore.
It sounds like it really is over…for right now. Whatever he is going through, it sounds like he is clear that he needs to be alone and not be in any kind of relationship, even if it’s just sex. I wonder if he got some sort of health diagnoses that is more on a serious note.
I understand you are confused. The thing is, he is not fully disclosing what is happening for him, so you are just going to have to accept that you might not get answers from him. Your job is to just accept what he is saying and respect what he needs right now.
I understand you guys have been on and off again for quite awhile. It doesn’t sound like it’s been the healthiest thing for either of you. Maybe taking a break for awhile can help you guys find a new way to connect that is more respectful. Is that something you are open to?
Heidi
No kidding, right?? I know how hard it has been being there and not having your beautiful outdoors to play in. I’m SOOOO glad Robin is bringing some spice into your life and treating you in such a beautiful way!!! It’s about time! And I’m glad you are receiving it!
ARe there any fears coming up for you, that you have notice?
Heidi
Okay…there is a plan in place. There is not much more you can do. Well done on making this happen and well done on putting yourself out there in a new way. No matter how this ends up, you have had some BIG growth spurts. Of course you will be nervous, afraid and unsure, but that’s okay! You know what you want, you know what you deserve and you know what you are worth. Whether he sees that or not or wants to fight for you or not, it doesn’t change how freakin’ badass you are!
What are you making for dinner?
Heidi
Hi Daisha,
You are asking such a great question!
Being friends with guys is NOT possible as long as there are still feelings involved on your end. Being friends with a guy is different than with girls as you end up talking about different things, you end up doing different activities, but it’s just as effortless as it would be with a girl. It should feel natural. With my guy friends, we connect occasionally and have “catch up” kind of conversations. A guy that is part of your daily life, as a friend, is not really normal. That’s building intimacy and it’s very easy for feelings to become involved from either side.
You might want to just honor that you need some time to adjust to how you are feeling before jumping into a friendship. There is ALWAYS a window of time that is needed after a breakup, to allow for healing. Once you feel indifferent, THEN friendship is possible. I always test it out by imagining running into my ex and seeing him with another girl. If I don’t have ANY response except for happiness for him, THEN I am truly indifferent. If I have hurt feelings on any level, I’m still not 100% resolved. So you need to be indifferent before truly being friends with him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. You are asking some great questions.
The first thing I’d like to address is your emotional reaction to him not being as responsive as you wanted him to be. I imagine this is not a new pattern for you, correct? I imagine that when you don’t feel like a priority and feel the same level investment from someone, your feelings get hurt and you have an emotional reaction, yes? Tell me more about this. I understand that you see many areas that you could have done better. The thing is, you may be able to manage your response better, but your initial emotional reaction will always be there. Have you ever explored what is happening on a deeper level for you? The reason I am suggesting a deeper dive into yourself, is because we can only manage our patterns and our emotional reactions for so longer, before we start to get messy again. So even though you have learned new ways to deal with things, the emotions are still there and will come out again…maybe not about his work, but about something else that will show up in the relationship. You said you had a rough marriage. Have you ever worked with anyone to help you heal the challenges?
He also is coming out of a really hard situation. He is going to have A LOT of barriers up and as you are discovering, he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything but easy. Truthfully, he is NOT ready to be in a relationship with you, or anyone else for that matter. He needs things to be light, fun and connective and have NO drama. That’s just not realistic. Relationships have arguments and EVERYONE has red flags. It sounds like he just does not have the capacity to deal with any red flags. He is super gun shy. The moment something a bit challenging shows up, he is asking for friendship. He sounds VERY tired. So what is MOST important for you to realize, is that he is not able to offer you what you want, for right now. He is not really available for a mature, healthy relationship and all that it entails…arguments and red flags included. As he has told you AND shown you, he is disconnecting the moment you stress him out. He just isn’t ready to be in a serious, committed, all-in relationship.
So if you want to stay connected, then keep giving him space. For now, maybe start drafting a short message to him talking about everything you learned about yourself and an apology. I would not start with the hero instinct quite yet. His walls are up and he already feels like he is at full capacity with work and other areas of his life. Asking him to do anything for you at this point, will most likely feel more overwhelming than anything. Wait another couple of weeks and show him you can give him all the space he needs. Then at some point, you can send him that message.
I know you REALLY want this to work out, but considering where he is at in his life, he needs some serious time before he is ready to be good for anyone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Can you share more detail? I”m not sure I understand what happened, so it’s hard to help guide you through these next steps.
What did he say after you mentioned that he hurt your feelings? Did you do it in person or over text?
One thing about communicating our feelings, is it’s important to remember that our story about how something happens, is not EVER the full story. So when expressing how you feel, you want to make sure that you are not putting YOUR story on their story. You said he “disregarded” your message. That basically is assuming what he did because that is the story you created around what happened. So when you talk about your feelings, a good formula to use is “When you did this…..this is how it made me feel….” So another way you could have talked to him would be “When you didn’t respond back to my message, I felt hurt. I felt disregarded.” Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements is so important. You are saying “I” feel disregarded instead of “You disregarded me.” Feel the difference in the tone?
I do want to truly acknowledge you!!! That fact that you said anything at all about how you felt is a HUGE step and I want to acknowledge you for that!!! Well done and I really celebrate you!!! Communicating is so difficult!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you went for it and put yourself out there! Are you glad you did it? HOw do you feel about it?
Heidi
Good questions!
I find it interesting that you say it would sacrifice your “own” financial stability. Once you combine finances, it’s a “we” situation, right? Unless you plan on NOT combining finances – which a lot of couples do, but still the bottom line is, they share a living space, they share all kinds of things, so their lives are combined.
The answer to your question varies upon the person. Remember there are no “right” or “wrong” decisions. All there is, is a journey to take. Whatever path a person takes, there are lessons to learn. So it depends on what lessons you want to learn. If you gave him the money at the expense of your own financial stability, you would learn what that feels like, you might learn that you will still end up being okay and figuring things out, you might feel it was worth it to support your man’s dreams, you might discover he more irresponsible with money than you thought, you might learn that it doesn’t feel good for you to jeopardize yourself like that….if you decided NOT to help him, you might learn a new side to him and how he reacts to not having your support, you might learn that it feels REALLY good to not give yourself and your feeling of safety away to another person – even if you love him, you might learn how to help him and support him other ways….so either path has lessons for you.
I think that if you were ever in that situation, your decision would depend on the kind of person he is, whether you trust him, whether you feel safe with him on all levels, whether you believe in his vision, what the state of yours and his finances are, his habits with money etc.
I know it’s not a direct answer. This truly is more about the kind of guy you end up choosing.
Heidi
