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Hey there!
Good to hear from you! It sounds like you are having some new adventures!
Where is this guy? How far is long distance? Are you guys video chatting at all? Isn’t it fun to have some hope again? This is sooooo great! Tell me more about him!
Heidi
Well at the very least, it sounds comfortable between you guys. I love that he teased you a bit and I love that he is going to help you with the floor. When is this going to happen??
You new space sounds quite spectacular. So you have officially decided to rent instead of sell? At least at this point….
What kinds of stuff do you have in your garden??? I wish so bad that I had a garden. I’ve really been having a growing desire to learn how to grow some of my own things. Most of my clients have their own garden, so I’d have a ton of people that would be willing to help me out, because I know nothing about it!
I’m glad your dog is settling in. The happier and more peaceful you feel, the happier your pup is anyways. This sounds like a great move. How long do you get to stay there?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you took the day off and just read a book. Isn’t it so wonderful??? I might do that this weekend!
Heidi
Wow! You are a COMPLETELY different person compared to when you first started this thread! I LOVE it! You are very clear. You are connecting to the truth so easily, allowing yourself to hurt and to feel AND being okay with the loss and not taking it personally. I’m sure you may have moments of that, as that is only human, but in general, you are really processing this very well.
I’m curious…what is he going to help you do with your flat? I think it’s actually a great idea that you accepted his help. Now that the “pressure” has been released, you guys can find new ways to relate to each other that is more clear. It can really be healing!
How is everything going over there with COVID? How is your pup adjusting to a new home? How are you feeling about your new home? Are you glad you have made the move?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I’m glad you guys reconnected a bit.
First, what is TRULY important is that you start to build trust with yourself first. Trust is more about you than the other person anyways. When you give your trust away to him, you are giving him your personal power. Meaning, you are basically saying “I trust you to be or do…..” when in reality, he is human and going to break that trust many times over, just as you will do the same thing. So instead of putting trust in him, you keep the trust in yourself by saying “I trust myself that no matter what he decides or how he behaves, I will be okay. I am resilient and I will figure out how to get back up on my feet and heal.” That is what empowerment is. You are taking responsibility for your own feelings, your own healing process, your own mindset NO MATTER what someone else behaves like. It’s also important to understand that your emotions are NOT the facts. Your emotions are a result of a story you create in your mind about what is happening. That story is moldable and changeable all the time! So BEFORE you guys go into any type of problem-solving, you need to handle those emotions and that story that is sourcing those emotions. I use the SUD Scale (Subjective Units of Disturbance). It’s a scale of 0-10 (10 being the most intense). So whenever I am having a reaction, I rate it. Whenever a person is over a 5, we are in a lower part of our brains where we don’t have access to clear thinking. So first and foremost, when I am over a 5, I don’t try and solve anything. I work with my emotions first and get UNDER a 5 BEFORE I make any decisions. So when you react REALLY big, you say to him, “I am over a 5. Let me deal with this.” That is you taking responsibility for how you are feeling instead of blaming him for a lifetime of emotions and experiences that he wasn’t a part of. It’s not HIS fault that you have so many pent up emotions. That’s why you have over-reactions. You have a ton of unprocessed emotions from your past that is not resolved or healed, so when anything big or little happens, that whole network of pain and hurt from your past, gets activated. So if you REALLY want to shift that, it’s time for you to start to heal. Are you able or willing to work with specialist who can help you? That’s your very best and quickest option.
I think it a VERY good idea that instead of you both just talking about wanting to be better, that you both set up a very specific action plan about HOW and WHAT you both are going to do to break these patterns. Maybe you go through a couples communication class together. Go through a book together. Read some blogs together and start to apply certain techniques. You can both become more educated TOGETHER and that will bring you guys a lot closer.
Here a few really good resources:
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katelyn,
You can send 1 more apology message and see if it helps. You can say something like, “I just want to apologize again for the behavior of my friend. We are actually no longer friends as of now. I know she has reached out to you on Facebook before, so my hope is she will leave you alone, but know that she is not speaking on my behalf. All of this was a little too much drama for my taste and I’m sorry it leaked into your world. I did enjoy our first date and am open to a second date if you are ever interested – no drama, I promise 😉 Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck with everything. Take care!”
I imagine you already have apologized before, yes? What did you say?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
That message sounds spectacular! Well done!
I DO like the idea of a video message. It’s a great way for him to SEE you, hear you and sense you. It’s the next best thing to saying it in person. It’s waaay more personal and that makes it much more powerful.
Practice saying it over and over and over again, so you get cozy with it. You may find that after saying it out loud a few times, you want to add in a few things or take away a few things. That’s why it’s important to say it out loud. Say it in the shower, in the car, while cooking. This way when you actually say it, it will roll off the tongue and be that much more powerful!
Heidi
HI Katelyn,
Welcome! This is a really interesting situation. How old are you guys? Does he know that she was the one texting him in the first place? Do you know what she was saying that caused him to run off?
This is a bit tricky, because there was only 1 date and then all this drama happened with your friend. I imagine it already felt like too much work for someone he just met. Just a guess.
Can you share a bit more detail? You said he talks to you on Facebook. So does he message you or does he respond to things you post?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
It’s real simple actually…when you confront him, it’s about HIM not being enough. It activates his low self-esteem. He can cry and be vulnerable about himself, but that has nothing to do with him “falling short” of meeting your needs. He can be curious and interested in many things about you, but he is definitely NOT curious about how you feel when he messes up. He sounds fragile actually. It sounds like he is great in a lot of ways, but when it comes to him owning up to being human, messing up and not meeting your needs, he is fragile…like he can’t bear hearing it. He instead, runs away, jokes about sex and isn’t able to be present WITH you.
Does this make a little more sense?
Heidi
Hi Nienna,
I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Tell me more about it. What is so bad about living life alone? I’m alone. I’ve been alone for 10 years now and I absolutely love my life! It’s taken some work for me to get to that place, but I am completely peaceful and content and happy. This is very possible for you as well. So I’m wondering what is stopping you from enjoying life. There is so much that life has to offer you, even as a single person.
Talk to us…let’s work through this!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Welcome! You definitely have quite the situation going on.
First, the pattern of being off and on again is a pattern that TRULY needs to heal. The fact that you so easily broke up with him INSTANTLY break trust. He cannot feel safe with you to mess up, because if you are hurt enough by his messups, you will breakup. So YOU need to decide that no matter how hard things get, you are NOT going to break up anymore. You need to commit to learning and developing different skills so you can handle your hurt feelings in a better way. Why would he want to come back to the same exact pattern anyways? I’m sure he is tired of the ups and downs and doesn’t want to keep going through it. I don’t blame him.
So…if you want him back, YOU need to shift how you handle your emotions and how you treat him. This way, he will be more inspired to come back because he is seeing some REAL changes, not just an apology. So let’s talk about what this means a bit more.
Tell me, what kind of girlfriend would you like to be with him? If you were the best version of yourself, how would you handle your hurt feelings or an argument with him?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
So what do you want? Write out what you want to say to him and what you want to ask for. It will be helpful and then we can help you sculpt a really good approach. Then you just practice saying it out loud in your car, your shower, while you are cooking…say it out loud over and over and over again. This is so important so that when you finally do say it, it will feel so much more natural and comforable.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m soooo sorry to hear this! It completely sucks! I wonder what she is reacting to that is in you? It’s so strange isn’t it? Maybe she is jealous, maybe you remind her of the girl that bullied her in grade school, maybe she feels threatened by you, maybe she thinks you said something bad about her…who knows. It’s a mystery, but no matter the reason, it’s not your fault. Whenever I come across people like that, I “kill them with kindness.” I pray for them, I ask God to show me the person through His eyes of truth and not my own. I dig deep to find my compassion and connect to the fear or struggle they must be going through to feel they need to be so abrasive. That’s the REAL truth. She is struggling with something and obviously not handling it in a nice way and you happen to be her target. I also keep asking God to put white light around the whole situation.
Is there anything you can think of that she might be upset about?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! What a night! There is so much to say.
First, I just want to commend you on your ability to break this down for yourself. Love is sooooo tricky! Many times we feel all kinds of feelings in our lives that actually are not true. The feelings are coming from a place of woundedness or trying to avoid what we DON’T want to feel, so we feel the opposite. It’s a tricky business TRULY understand our feelings. This is an area I am VERY skilled at. I question EVERYTHING I feel and where it’s REALLY being sourced from. Yes, it’s a bit obsessive. It’s a kickass skill I have, but also gets in the way – lol. Anyways, whether the source of our feelings are true and authentic or coming from a place of avoidance and woundedness, it feels EXACTLY the same – and that’s why it gets so mucky. When it comes to love, people LOVE feeling how they feel. All the butterflies, the connection, the memories and they choose to ignore the red flags. They don’t want to give up the good stuff and many times magnify the good stuff, especially because they haven’t had it in a while or never had it before. It’s POWERFUL!!! The good feelings and chemistry is so darn powerful! I’m glad you were able to recognize all of this about yourself. Our hearts are worth valuing and caring for, therefore taking the journey deep inside to truly understand what we are feeling is so important.
So it sounds like it was a wonderful experience with him, it sounds like when you look back, you saw signs of him not being very open from the beginning, it sounds like you knew on a deeper level this wasn’t going to work. He sounds so shut down. He sounds like he is still pretty damaged and doesn’t really have the capability to have an intimate relationship right now. Well, at least he gave it shot and he couldn’t have picked a better person than you! You helped change his life too. You helped him learn and grow at the level he is ready for. He may not know it yet, but you touched his heart.
Now it’s just time for you to cry and release the sadness and hurt. Even though you have all these realizations, it still doesn’t change that it hurts. Your life will feel a more empty now for a bit of time and that is always an adjustment. Darn! I was really rooting for this one!
Heidi
Hi Michelle, welcome!!!
I’m sooooo glad you went with option 1! Well done! So are you guys actually talking again? Did he have anything to say about your abrupt breakup??
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I think Kanya is spot on with saying that he goes for playfulness and sex when something more intense shows up. It sounds like he is just completely uncomfortable with any type of confrontation. He sounds quite fragile. So in his mind, he can have sex while he is being told that he hurt your feelings. Not a good formula. I think he is just as uncomfortable, if not more than you, about talking about anything serious and dealing with any hurt emotions.
Just like you, HE has to decide that his voice is worth using, listening to and fighting for. But he has to be ready for that. It sounds like he just isn’t in that kind of headspace to take that journey, like you are doing.
So in the future, if he responds with some type of sexual comment, you know NOT to take it personally…he is just really uncomfortable and fragile and that is how he deals with it and that is just who he is right now.
You questioning his intentions is spot on as well. He is trying to avoid your feelings basically and is wanting to ignore them. So, you can either keep pestering him or you can just accept that this is who he is and if you want to stay with him, this is part of the package. Lastly, I would NOT tell him about any hurt feelings you have about anything over text. Make it a general rule to say those kinds of things in person to him, if possible.
Thoughts?
Heidi
