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Hey there!
Wow! It sounds like you guys are having a great time getting to know each other! It’s so difficult right now to be able to make any plans to meet.
So what does he do for a job?
Let’s get a little history on him. I’m going to walk you through this little bits at a time. Being that you cannot meet in person, paying attention to these kinds of answers is REALLY important. You need to get to know him on a deeper level. What I’m going to guide you through, is getting to know his shadow side – the side of him that is not so pretty – the most important side of a person to know – that is, if you are comfortable to start to go down that road with him.
Here are 2 questions you can ask: What are you like when you are angry? Tell me about one of the most painful memories in your life and what did you do? When he answers these questions, you want to pay attention to HOW he tells the story. Pay attention to your gut to see if you notice any “red flags” go up. Pay attention to HOW he talks about it. See if his words match his emotions. Does he have any emotions when he talks about it and what are they? Are there any unresolved emotions that you notice?
Do you feel ready to go down this road with him? I’m suggesting this because you guys are already hooked. Part of your non-negotiable list (NOT your “wish-list”) is about knowing who he is in his very worst and knowing he is still a respectful person. Obviously you guys can’t meet in person right now, so the best you have is just talking, instead of being able to see him in action.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow Candace,
Of course you are deeply hurt and really confused! I am sooooo sorry! He was NOT treating you like a “friends with benefits.” He was treating you like a girlfriend. Any woman would be shocked.
So he flat out said that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you? Or did he say he doesn’t foresee you guys ending up together? For him to say he doesn’t have any feelings for you, all the while continuing to have sex, being romantic with you, making future plans with you etc. – something doesn’t add up and a really big way. He is being a VERY unkind and purely self-serving kind of guy to take you along this journey of romance only to say he doesn’t have feelings for you. What is his cultural background? I’m wondering if it’s just part of his nature as well. For example, Italians are much more expressive in every way. So it’s very easy for them to be romantic and expressive etc. and women can have a tendency to make that mean something, when for the guy, he is just being his Italian self and that’s how he treats all the women he dates. Do you know much about his background with women? Past relationships?
I think for right now, it’s important for you to get very clear about what you want and what you are willing to do and have a heart to heart conversation with him. I think it’s important for him to know how his behavior was very misleading and hurtful. What do you want and what are you willing to be with him?
Heidi
Man! I just have a HUGE smile on my face knowing that you are feeling so cared about and considered! He sounds like a good communicator as well! I’m just so darn happy that you FINALLY get to feel what it is like to be thought about, connected with, like you are an IMPORTANT part of someone’s day. It’s about time!!!
Heidi
Hi Kim,
So it sounds like you are willing to set a boundary with him, which is great! What you want to say is really good….what you want to add is something more specific about what something “more” means to you.
What EXACTLY does that mean? He might think it means a full on committed relationship heading towards marriage. What does “something more” mean to you?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
What are your trust issues about? There are a gazillion books, but it just depends on what specific issues you are personally dealing with. What kinds of things are you wanting to heal?
That is SUCH a bummer that the one therapist broke confidentiality. They should have lost their license for that! I wonder why they did that!
A therapist typically goes a lot deeper and really specializes in healing past wounds and traumas. A coach typically deals with the present moment and helps you navigate what is happening for you right now and build a different future. It sounds like a therapist might be a better option for you as it sounds like you might have some deeper things you need to face. Check out emdr.com and look for a therapist through their website. EMDR is a technique that can accelerate healing in a really powerful way!
Heidi
Hey there!
Good to hear from you! It sounds like you are having some new adventures!
Where is this guy? How far is long distance? Are you guys video chatting at all? Isn’t it fun to have some hope again? This is sooooo great! Tell me more about him!
Heidi
Well at the very least, it sounds comfortable between you guys. I love that he teased you a bit and I love that he is going to help you with the floor. When is this going to happen??
You new space sounds quite spectacular. So you have officially decided to rent instead of sell? At least at this point….
What kinds of stuff do you have in your garden??? I wish so bad that I had a garden. I’ve really been having a growing desire to learn how to grow some of my own things. Most of my clients have their own garden, so I’d have a ton of people that would be willing to help me out, because I know nothing about it!
I’m glad your dog is settling in. The happier and more peaceful you feel, the happier your pup is anyways. This sounds like a great move. How long do you get to stay there?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you took the day off and just read a book. Isn’t it so wonderful??? I might do that this weekend!
Heidi
Wow! You are a COMPLETELY different person compared to when you first started this thread! I LOVE it! You are very clear. You are connecting to the truth so easily, allowing yourself to hurt and to feel AND being okay with the loss and not taking it personally. I’m sure you may have moments of that, as that is only human, but in general, you are really processing this very well.
I’m curious…what is he going to help you do with your flat? I think it’s actually a great idea that you accepted his help. Now that the “pressure” has been released, you guys can find new ways to relate to each other that is more clear. It can really be healing!
How is everything going over there with COVID? How is your pup adjusting to a new home? How are you feeling about your new home? Are you glad you have made the move?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I’m glad you guys reconnected a bit.
First, what is TRULY important is that you start to build trust with yourself first. Trust is more about you than the other person anyways. When you give your trust away to him, you are giving him your personal power. Meaning, you are basically saying “I trust you to be or do…..” when in reality, he is human and going to break that trust many times over, just as you will do the same thing. So instead of putting trust in him, you keep the trust in yourself by saying “I trust myself that no matter what he decides or how he behaves, I will be okay. I am resilient and I will figure out how to get back up on my feet and heal.” That is what empowerment is. You are taking responsibility for your own feelings, your own healing process, your own mindset NO MATTER what someone else behaves like. It’s also important to understand that your emotions are NOT the facts. Your emotions are a result of a story you create in your mind about what is happening. That story is moldable and changeable all the time! So BEFORE you guys go into any type of problem-solving, you need to handle those emotions and that story that is sourcing those emotions. I use the SUD Scale (Subjective Units of Disturbance). It’s a scale of 0-10 (10 being the most intense). So whenever I am having a reaction, I rate it. Whenever a person is over a 5, we are in a lower part of our brains where we don’t have access to clear thinking. So first and foremost, when I am over a 5, I don’t try and solve anything. I work with my emotions first and get UNDER a 5 BEFORE I make any decisions. So when you react REALLY big, you say to him, “I am over a 5. Let me deal with this.” That is you taking responsibility for how you are feeling instead of blaming him for a lifetime of emotions and experiences that he wasn’t a part of. It’s not HIS fault that you have so many pent up emotions. That’s why you have over-reactions. You have a ton of unprocessed emotions from your past that is not resolved or healed, so when anything big or little happens, that whole network of pain and hurt from your past, gets activated. So if you REALLY want to shift that, it’s time for you to start to heal. Are you able or willing to work with specialist who can help you? That’s your very best and quickest option.
I think it a VERY good idea that instead of you both just talking about wanting to be better, that you both set up a very specific action plan about HOW and WHAT you both are going to do to break these patterns. Maybe you go through a couples communication class together. Go through a book together. Read some blogs together and start to apply certain techniques. You can both become more educated TOGETHER and that will bring you guys a lot closer.
Here a few really good resources:
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katelyn,
You can send 1 more apology message and see if it helps. You can say something like, “I just want to apologize again for the behavior of my friend. We are actually no longer friends as of now. I know she has reached out to you on Facebook before, so my hope is she will leave you alone, but know that she is not speaking on my behalf. All of this was a little too much drama for my taste and I’m sorry it leaked into your world. I did enjoy our first date and am open to a second date if you are ever interested – no drama, I promise 😉 Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck with everything. Take care!”
I imagine you already have apologized before, yes? What did you say?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
That message sounds spectacular! Well done!
I DO like the idea of a video message. It’s a great way for him to SEE you, hear you and sense you. It’s the next best thing to saying it in person. It’s waaay more personal and that makes it much more powerful.
Practice saying it over and over and over again, so you get cozy with it. You may find that after saying it out loud a few times, you want to add in a few things or take away a few things. That’s why it’s important to say it out loud. Say it in the shower, in the car, while cooking. This way when you actually say it, it will roll off the tongue and be that much more powerful!
Heidi
HI Katelyn,
Welcome! This is a really interesting situation. How old are you guys? Does he know that she was the one texting him in the first place? Do you know what she was saying that caused him to run off?
This is a bit tricky, because there was only 1 date and then all this drama happened with your friend. I imagine it already felt like too much work for someone he just met. Just a guess.
Can you share a bit more detail? You said he talks to you on Facebook. So does he message you or does he respond to things you post?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
It’s real simple actually…when you confront him, it’s about HIM not being enough. It activates his low self-esteem. He can cry and be vulnerable about himself, but that has nothing to do with him “falling short” of meeting your needs. He can be curious and interested in many things about you, but he is definitely NOT curious about how you feel when he messes up. He sounds fragile actually. It sounds like he is great in a lot of ways, but when it comes to him owning up to being human, messing up and not meeting your needs, he is fragile…like he can’t bear hearing it. He instead, runs away, jokes about sex and isn’t able to be present WITH you.
Does this make a little more sense?
Heidi
Hi Nienna,
I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Tell me more about it. What is so bad about living life alone? I’m alone. I’ve been alone for 10 years now and I absolutely love my life! It’s taken some work for me to get to that place, but I am completely peaceful and content and happy. This is very possible for you as well. So I’m wondering what is stopping you from enjoying life. There is so much that life has to offer you, even as a single person.
Talk to us…let’s work through this!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Welcome! You definitely have quite the situation going on.
First, the pattern of being off and on again is a pattern that TRULY needs to heal. The fact that you so easily broke up with him INSTANTLY break trust. He cannot feel safe with you to mess up, because if you are hurt enough by his messups, you will breakup. So YOU need to decide that no matter how hard things get, you are NOT going to break up anymore. You need to commit to learning and developing different skills so you can handle your hurt feelings in a better way. Why would he want to come back to the same exact pattern anyways? I’m sure he is tired of the ups and downs and doesn’t want to keep going through it. I don’t blame him.
So…if you want him back, YOU need to shift how you handle your emotions and how you treat him. This way, he will be more inspired to come back because he is seeing some REAL changes, not just an apology. So let’s talk about what this means a bit more.
Tell me, what kind of girlfriend would you like to be with him? If you were the best version of yourself, how would you handle your hurt feelings or an argument with him?
Heidi
