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Hi Sarah,
I love how clear you are! You are spot on with all accounts! I absolutely agree that the universe does bring all kinds of “fun stuff” to help us transform old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve us, into patterns that empower us. I also love how you were able to see your growth and how you weren’t getting angry, but instead stayed respectful instead of harmful. All your work on yourself has paid off! It’s always important to know that.
Let’s talk a little more, if you want, about the area of struggle with communication in a relationship. What’s the specific challenge for you? What is it about your work that makes it easier to communicate compared to a relationship? Is it ALL relationships or just in romantic relationships that you struggle?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m sooooo glad you want to go down the rabbit hole! I can tell from all that you have said, that you have done A LOT of work AND your willingness to see some of your blind spots just shows how internally strong you truly are. Yes, you have more layers to work through. I too had a very hard childhood and I too was always attracted to the emotionally unavailable guy. It was a hard pattern to shift, but eventually I got there. Yes, it is a lifelong process. In my opinion, people should have a therapist or coach they stay connected with for the rest of their lives. I will ALWAYS have my own Coach. There are plenty of times in life where I need that extra support, accountability and help working through something more intense. I will have someone send you an email with how to contact me if you wish to do some deeper work. I would be happy to go down the rabbit hole with you and clean some stuff out.
At this point, I am not clear as to what you are willing to do. Are you willing to let him go completely? If so, no need to talk to him anymore. If he reaches out and wants to re-connect, you can simply say something like, “We had a strong connection, however I feel it’s best to go our separate ways.” DO NOT get into any of the reasons why at this point and especially DO NOT do any of that over text. Keep it super simple, no explanations and leave it at that.
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just checking in. How are you feeling? Any new feelings come up? Anger, sadness, hurt? More acceptance, forgiveness, peace? Any new realizations?
Heidi
Hi Leondra,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a really great question. I love that you are willing to learn how to be a better partner.
Would you mind sharing what you said in your email to apologize?
The first thing you want to do, is to give him some space. Since he felt very pushed by you before and you weren’t respecting his boundaries, this is a good opportunity for you to show him you are going to do it different now by honoring the space that he needs.
Don’t send this to him yet, but maybe write it out: “I am learning A LOT about myself and how I can be a better partner. I know that I got really pushy with you and I am understanding why I had the need to do that within myself. So in efforts of becoming a better listener and respecting your boundaries, I am going to give you space. I won’t be contacting you or asking for anything from you. I trust that you will talk with me when you feel ready and I will happily be here. I love you.”
Thoughts? How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow….I love how safe you both feel to share and express what’s on your mind! This is such a good experience for you!!!!
There is a flag I’d like you to pay attention to. I’m not saying it’s a deal breaker or non-negotiable for you personally, but something to be aware of and explore a little deeper with him.
“He claimed he doesn’t get triggered much, and hardly get mad.” This could become a challenge in your relationship. This combined with the statement:
“At times, he won’t share certain things not because he doesn’t want to be honest with me, but because he cares about how I might feel.”This gives me the feeling that he might have a pattern of emotionally hiding. He might have the coping mechanism of burying his feelings so he doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable with how he is feeling. It may be his coping mechanism of how he kept peace in his life when he was a child. He may not have been allowed to feel. What was his childhood like? Any abuse, verbal or physical? Any neglect or abandonment? He sounds like a good “go with the flow” guy, but how REAL that is, is questionable. Meaning, it could be authentic OR he could have the pattern of not being well connected to his TRUE emotions and he just buries them quickly and goes with the flow of life and doesn’t allow himself to exist. The danger in this pattern, is that one day, people like that tend to “burst” like a volcano. Over the years, they have built up sooooo much and then one day, something intense enough happens and they burst and it all coming flowing out. You may do something so small and before you know it, he is hurt BIG TIME and releasing a lot of the energy onto you and it will take you by surprise. I don’t really trust people who don’t get triggered in their lives or feel angry very much – at least until I can really feel into their emotional system and see that is actually true vs. them naturally blocking their emotions. They do it on an unconscious level too, so it’s not something they are aware of. It’s just their coping mechanism and how they survived their childhood.
Anyways…it would be something I would pay attention to and want to explore further.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You have grown so much since college, right? In good ways! Not everyone can say that. You have been through so much in your life, but you never gave up. You kept figuring out how to get back up on your feet and kept fighting for more understanding, more healing, more abundance, more expansion. And now you get to have this wonderful man shower you with love and connection. Even if it’s just for now, it’s powerful and healing on a new level. It DOES exist, you are able to receive it, value it and appreciate it AND so is he! It’s beautiful! You’ve worked very hard to be in this moment. I celebrate you!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
WELL DONE! I”m so happy to hear the conclusion you have come to!! I would like to invite you to take it a little further. Even your friendship is valuable. Trent has not treated you well AT ALL! He was not being authentic and was using you for his own purposes. I’m curious, what makes you consider still being friends with a person like that. He won’t value you as a friend either – as he clearly demonstrated by not following through on plans he made with you. Why not just let him go completely. Is he REALLY the kind of “friend” you want to invite into your life, considering the kind of person he has been with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing more details!
I want to ask you some questions first and see if you are willing to go down your own rabbit hole at all. If not and you don’t like the direction I am taking you, then that’s perfectly fine and I trust you will say something!
Relationships are reflective. The people we attract into our lives and are attracted to, give us a WONDERFUL mirror showing us where we are at in our lives on many levels. Let’s look at this a little deeper. You are attracted to a guy who is quite messy. He does drugs, he is very emotionally fragile, he relies on his coach/movies to tell him how to be and how to live his life, he asks you to move in pretty instantly and starts talking about marriage when you guys barely know each other and it sounds like he hasn’t really processed or knows how to work through his traumas in life. I’m obviously just looking at the limiting side of him. I know he has a lot of great qualities as well.
You say we are all “messy” and we need to just accept that, but I would encourage you to look at it a bit differently. Relationships take A LOT of work and commitment. When I coach people in inviting love into their lives, THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect that needs to be paid attention to, is how that person responds under stress. Do they cut you out or are they good communicators? Are they honest? Do they have any addictions? Are they abusive in any way? Etc. Knowing the WORST in a person is critical because it is part of the foundation. If their worst is not workable, respectful of themselves as well as you, then there is a BIG crack in the foundation. John Gottman did a 20 year study on relationships and what makes them last and actually be happy long term. One of the characteristics discovered for the successfull marriages, was that even during arguments, BOTH people treated each other with respect. If, in their worst moments, the couples became manipulate, shut down, passive aggressive etc., they didn’t end up lasting long term.
So what I want to invite you to think about is this: I know you have an incredible connection together. The good part of you guys works flawlessly. The not so good part does not work so well. He is showing you that he is someone you cannot rely on to communicate with you. He is showing you how fearful he is in his life and that he runs instead of staying and facing his fears. He uses drugs for escape probably. He is not showing you any kind of respect by being a good teammate and partner when he is feeling something challenging with how he feels. If he is a mirror to you, what would you say he is reflecting back to you about yourself? I know you are very confident in yourself AND you are not. We ALL have low self-esteem in certain areas of our lives, so there is something in you that would get connected with a guy who is incredibly messy and ultimately not emotionally available or capable of a long term relationship. Do you have a pattern of needing to rescue guys? Do you have a pattern of being attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable? What’s happening for you that you want to continue to fight for a guy who is clearly quite messy and not able to sustain a relationship? Fighting for him would mean you are inviting his limitations back into your life…the kind of limitations that cannot sustain a relationship.
Does this make sense where I am going with this?
Again, if you are not a fan of this approach, I get it. I’m taking a bit of a risk going down this road, because I know it is not what you are asking for.
All in all, if you want to keep fighting for him, then keeping your distance is important for the simple fact of what Kanya mentioned. HE NEEDS to fight for this. You cannot do it for him. This is important for him to feel within himself and important for you to feel from him. So keeping your distance and letting him feel the emptiness of his life without you, is what can motivate him to want to invite you back in. If he does reach out, take a bit of time before responding. Don’t respond right away every single time. Wait a few hours and let him “wonder” about you. Even wait to respond until the next day sometimes. And I also agree with Kany in that it’s important to stay away from texting about the relationship. If he is interested in meeting in person, then great! Go have a conversation with him and say what you feel and find out how he is feeling. I guarantee this is not about you. I’m sure his fear got sooooo big and he is doing what he knows how to do, which is to get out and stop things all together. I think the pressure was coming from inside of him and not you.
How does this approach feel?
Heidi
Hey there!
I love how easy your connection is going so far! It sounds like you guys have done a lot of talking and building a really good friendship mixed in with a little romance. Nice!
So he has asked you a few times, why me? Someone who does that usually doesn’t have a very high opinion of themselves. The pattern you DON”T want to fall into, is needing to re-assure him all of the time and him relying on you to make him feel good about himself. That’s a pretty toxic pattern that can be the downfall of a relationship down the road. Just pay attention to that. One GREAT response that I use a lot of people who ask is “Why not you?” I like to turn the question around on them and get them looking at all the reasons why not them. It can be a very powerful exercise for someone, so maybe give that a shot! Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hey there!
I love how easy your connection is going so far! It sounds like you guys have done a lot of talking and building a really good friendship mixed in with a little romance. Nice!
So he has asked you a few times, why me? Someone who does that usually doesn’t have a very high opinion of themselves. The pattern you DON”T want to fall into, is needing to re-assure him all of the time and him relying on you to make him feel good about himself. That’s a pretty toxic pattern that can be the downfall of a relationship down the road. Just pay attention to that. One GREAT response that I use a lot of people who ask is “Why not you?” I like to turn the question around on them and get them looking at all the reasons why not them. It can be a very powerful exercise for someone, so maybe give that a shot! Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! It sounds like you guys are having a great time getting to know each other! It’s so difficult right now to be able to make any plans to meet.
So what does he do for a job?
Let’s get a little history on him. I’m going to walk you through this little bits at a time. Being that you cannot meet in person, paying attention to these kinds of answers is REALLY important. You need to get to know him on a deeper level. What I’m going to guide you through, is getting to know his shadow side – the side of him that is not so pretty – the most important side of a person to know – that is, if you are comfortable to start to go down that road with him.
Here are 2 questions you can ask: What are you like when you are angry? Tell me about one of the most painful memories in your life and what did you do? When he answers these questions, you want to pay attention to HOW he tells the story. Pay attention to your gut to see if you notice any “red flags” go up. Pay attention to HOW he talks about it. See if his words match his emotions. Does he have any emotions when he talks about it and what are they? Are there any unresolved emotions that you notice?
Do you feel ready to go down this road with him? I’m suggesting this because you guys are already hooked. Part of your non-negotiable list (NOT your “wish-list”) is about knowing who he is in his very worst and knowing he is still a respectful person. Obviously you guys can’t meet in person right now, so the best you have is just talking, instead of being able to see him in action.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow Candace,
Of course you are deeply hurt and really confused! I am sooooo sorry! He was NOT treating you like a “friends with benefits.” He was treating you like a girlfriend. Any woman would be shocked.
So he flat out said that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you? Or did he say he doesn’t foresee you guys ending up together? For him to say he doesn’t have any feelings for you, all the while continuing to have sex, being romantic with you, making future plans with you etc. – something doesn’t add up and a really big way. He is being a VERY unkind and purely self-serving kind of guy to take you along this journey of romance only to say he doesn’t have feelings for you. What is his cultural background? I’m wondering if it’s just part of his nature as well. For example, Italians are much more expressive in every way. So it’s very easy for them to be romantic and expressive etc. and women can have a tendency to make that mean something, when for the guy, he is just being his Italian self and that’s how he treats all the women he dates. Do you know much about his background with women? Past relationships?
I think for right now, it’s important for you to get very clear about what you want and what you are willing to do and have a heart to heart conversation with him. I think it’s important for him to know how his behavior was very misleading and hurtful. What do you want and what are you willing to be with him?
Heidi
Man! I just have a HUGE smile on my face knowing that you are feeling so cared about and considered! He sounds like a good communicator as well! I’m just so darn happy that you FINALLY get to feel what it is like to be thought about, connected with, like you are an IMPORTANT part of someone’s day. It’s about time!!!
Heidi
Hi Kim,
So it sounds like you are willing to set a boundary with him, which is great! What you want to say is really good….what you want to add is something more specific about what something “more” means to you.
What EXACTLY does that mean? He might think it means a full on committed relationship heading towards marriage. What does “something more” mean to you?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
What are your trust issues about? There are a gazillion books, but it just depends on what specific issues you are personally dealing with. What kinds of things are you wanting to heal?
That is SUCH a bummer that the one therapist broke confidentiality. They should have lost their license for that! I wonder why they did that!
A therapist typically goes a lot deeper and really specializes in healing past wounds and traumas. A coach typically deals with the present moment and helps you navigate what is happening for you right now and build a different future. It sounds like a therapist might be a better option for you as it sounds like you might have some deeper things you need to face. Check out emdr.com and look for a therapist through their website. EMDR is a technique that can accelerate healing in a really powerful way!
Heidi
