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Hi Candace,
First, you are strong enough to embrace his choice. Second, how you are framing this, is way more painful, because it’s full of lies. What’s the truth? Yes, he rejected you. Was it because you were not good enough? Maybe, but so what? He isn’t good enough for you either! It’s not about NOT being good enough, it’s about NOT BEING A GOOD ENOUGH MATCH. You are viewing this as if YOU are the person who isn’t valuable enough in this, when in reality, it was not a healthy relationship to begin with. He doesn’t have the ability to care for and sustain anything healthy with ANY woman. In my opinion, you are being rescued from a really big mess sooner than later.
It’s so important that you truly face the pain of rejection. Otherwise, if you just bury it and try to go from 1 person to the other without dealing with the pain, then you just perpetually keep living in the same pattern, keep picking the same kind of guys who are going to reject you in one way or another and you never get off that hamster wheel. Is that what you want? NO ONE likes to feel pain. But those that face it and work through it, are the ones that are greatly rewarded in their lives…with more joy, more love, more connection to themselves. Those that bury and ignore it, also are greatly rewarded in life…with more pain.
You’ve got to fight for more in your life Candace. You are much stronger than you think! These past 10 years, I have been rejected more in my life than the first 20 years of being extremely successful in dating. Every single time, I used that experience to help me grow even more and become MORE of who I am. Now, despite all the rejection, I love myself the most I ever have, I am loving life more than I ever have and I used every single rejection as a way to catapult me there. It completely sucked every time, but I had help, support and a drive for healing. That is the gift that pain offers all of us…it’s a platform to greatness, expansion, releasing and forgiving what no longer serves us.
Let this guy go and turn 100% of your attention towards yourself! He may reject you, but you need to stop rejecting you. Love and accept yourself and then the pain of rejection is much more workable.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
So I’m curious. What EXACTLY do you mean by listening to your body? How? What is the language of the body that you are talking about and referring to that people need to listen to? Do you believe that most people have the ability to listen to their bodies? Why do you believe the body always speaks the truth and is a source to rely on?
I was saying JB isn’t your friend because you guys don’t behave like friends. You guys are behaving like romantic partners. Male and female friends DO NOT talk almost every day. I mean fundamentally, yes, you guys are friends, but there is something more that is growing between the both of you.
I’m so sorry your hair is getting thinner and that you are feeling older. Why not do something about that? It’s absolutely possible to feel super young, even in your 70s and 80s. Where I live, that population is many times more fit and vibrant than many of the 30 something crowd. Yes, they have minor aches and pains, BUT they look and feel amazing, always going on hikes, bike rides, ski adventures etc. and although they may feel older, they don’t feel “old.” It’s really spectacular to see that population so darn healthy! Hair thinning usually has to do with nutrition. Feeling old has a lot to do with nutrition as well. I know A LOT about nutrition and it can make or break how a person feels. Maybe check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Medical-Medium-Cleanse-Anthony-William/dp/1401958451
AND…I believe you are giving the outside more power than it deserves. There are PLENTY of people that society would call ugly or unattractive who have found love. Love and connection are powerful. I have dated very unattractive men before because there was something about their insides that made them appear more attractive to me. Energy and how someone feels about themselves is THE MOST IMPORTANT part. You are worth loving and knowing JUST AS YOU ARE! When you TRULY start to know that, men will be attracted to that. I’ve seen it happen a gazillion times to people. I used to experiment all of the time with this for myself. When I was feeling lame and down on myself, no matter how much I tried to fake it when I went out that I was a badass, I never got nearly as much attention as when I would feel aligned and in my power. There were ALWAYS very distinct differences. It taught me how important it was to have self-love.
Of course, you are still going to get triggered! Everything always releases in layers when you are ready to deal with it. It’s okay!!! So what that’s it’s been 2 years. Something may happen even 5 years down the road. It’s normal! We don’t know the depths of what we are still carrying in our subconscious until it reveals itself, so whenever it shows up, you just say “hello, thank you for showing me that you are here. What do you want to tell me and teach me?”
I don’t know a single person alive who doesn’t carry HUGE wounds from their lives. It’s just part of being human. We can still love because WE ARE MORE than our wounds. YOU ARE MORE than this wound you carry. Love is more than the wounds we carry. The quality of love may vary, of course. Your ability and quality of love live at a certain frequency. You will attract and be attracted to someone who hangs out around the same frequency. Then you both love each other at that level of frequency. We all do the very best we can with our ability to love, but our wounds get in the way and limit the kind of love we allow ourselves to receive and give. That’s why it’s important to constantly do the person work, so we can clear away the gunk that acts as a block to love. It’s ALWAYS a work in progress…for the rest of our lives. I sure as heck am not going to wait to love until all my wounds are cleared out. I can still love WITH my wounds. I can still be loved WITH my wounds. So maybe work on shifting your perception??
Heidi
I bet it feels so great to upgrade your flat and to give it a new look! It really is happening at the perfect time in your life! It’s sooooo so helpful to have “projects” and something to focus on during a breakup. I love that you get to have a lot of family time and I love that you are able to talk about it and not feel anything negative. It sounds like you are at peace right now about it!
Heidi
Hi Leondra,
Thank you for sharing your email. It was very thoughtful and heartfelt!! For a guy though, I imagine he might have gotten lost in a lot of it, especially in text form. In general, it’s really important to speak to a man in very clear, concise ways. It’s more their language. So for future reference, you want to JUST APOLOGIZE and not throw in all of the other feelings, confusions etc. because in your email, the apology kind of got lost. Most of your email was about how confused and sad you were. When it comes to apologizing, especially through email, you want to keep it really super simple. Something like, “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I am embarrassed with how I handled it and as I looked closer at my reaction over the past few days, I was able to discover what my trigger was. I want to be better with how I handle my emotions, so I don’t keep emotionally vomiting my past on you, as it’s not yours to fix. I am a work in progress though. So again, I am sorry for how I made you feel and I am sorry that you felt you had to push me away. I will give you the space you need and will be here whenever you are ready to talk. I love you.”
Does this make sense?
For right now, you need to NOT call him, DO NOT have anyone else call him either. You are adding “pressure” again which is the exact thing he pushed you away for. So it’s really important that you give him the space he needs and deal with your emotions and feelings on your own and not look to him to make you feel better. It’s not his job anyway. What can you do to help yourself deal with your feelings? How can you help yourself have more patience? Do you have anyone who can help guide you through working with your emotions in a better way?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It sounds like you are excited about becoming a coach! Do you have an idea about what specifically you want to help someone with? Meaning, what specific problem do you feel equipped to help someone else solve in their life? Knowing that makes a HUGE difference in your path! You can start to create your systems and process around that particular problem. For example, I specifically coach women who are wanting to fall in love. I help teach them the things to look for, help them get VERY clear about what they want and how to date in a very specific way when looking for love – which is very different when just dating around. I also went through a phase where I just helped women through breakups. So again, what problems do you want to help someone solve in their life? Do you want to work with men or women? What age group? What income status? These are things you want to think about.
“I am actually enjoying the slow progress in our friendship. I don’t want to define it in any other way, unless a definition is 100% accurate!” Vino, JB is NOT your friend. You don’t have “friend” feelings for him and that is not how he is viewing you either. Yes, you are building a friendship, but there are romantic feelings involved. You are not ready to meet him because you are afraid. You guys have been communicating this way for months! The longer you guys continue to meet this way, the larger the risk it will be to meet in person. Meeting in person COULD ruin all of it. What if you don’t like him in person? What if he doesn’t like you in person? It’s a new level and THE MOST IMPORTANT level for developing your relationship. You are risking losing him, by meeting him in person. Nothing is truly real until you meet in person. It’s going to take a lot of courage to meet in person, but I still recommend that STRONGLY. The sooner the better. You won’t ever feel 100% ready because of how scary it will feel. You need to do it anyways so you don’t let this fantasy life with him continue to occupy your every day. This is your heart Vino. You are going VERY deep with a man you have never met in person. It’s a powerful connection. You need to care enough about your heart to not continue to connect with someone on such deep levels when you haven’t met him yet. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I love how clear you are! You are spot on with all accounts! I absolutely agree that the universe does bring all kinds of “fun stuff” to help us transform old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve us, into patterns that empower us. I also love how you were able to see your growth and how you weren’t getting angry, but instead stayed respectful instead of harmful. All your work on yourself has paid off! It’s always important to know that.
Let’s talk a little more, if you want, about the area of struggle with communication in a relationship. What’s the specific challenge for you? What is it about your work that makes it easier to communicate compared to a relationship? Is it ALL relationships or just in romantic relationships that you struggle?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m sooooo glad you want to go down the rabbit hole! I can tell from all that you have said, that you have done A LOT of work AND your willingness to see some of your blind spots just shows how internally strong you truly are. Yes, you have more layers to work through. I too had a very hard childhood and I too was always attracted to the emotionally unavailable guy. It was a hard pattern to shift, but eventually I got there. Yes, it is a lifelong process. In my opinion, people should have a therapist or coach they stay connected with for the rest of their lives. I will ALWAYS have my own Coach. There are plenty of times in life where I need that extra support, accountability and help working through something more intense. I will have someone send you an email with how to contact me if you wish to do some deeper work. I would be happy to go down the rabbit hole with you and clean some stuff out.
At this point, I am not clear as to what you are willing to do. Are you willing to let him go completely? If so, no need to talk to him anymore. If he reaches out and wants to re-connect, you can simply say something like, “We had a strong connection, however I feel it’s best to go our separate ways.” DO NOT get into any of the reasons why at this point and especially DO NOT do any of that over text. Keep it super simple, no explanations and leave it at that.
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just checking in. How are you feeling? Any new feelings come up? Anger, sadness, hurt? More acceptance, forgiveness, peace? Any new realizations?
Heidi
Hi Leondra,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a really great question. I love that you are willing to learn how to be a better partner.
Would you mind sharing what you said in your email to apologize?
The first thing you want to do, is to give him some space. Since he felt very pushed by you before and you weren’t respecting his boundaries, this is a good opportunity for you to show him you are going to do it different now by honoring the space that he needs.
Don’t send this to him yet, but maybe write it out: “I am learning A LOT about myself and how I can be a better partner. I know that I got really pushy with you and I am understanding why I had the need to do that within myself. So in efforts of becoming a better listener and respecting your boundaries, I am going to give you space. I won’t be contacting you or asking for anything from you. I trust that you will talk with me when you feel ready and I will happily be here. I love you.”
Thoughts? How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow….I love how safe you both feel to share and express what’s on your mind! This is such a good experience for you!!!!
There is a flag I’d like you to pay attention to. I’m not saying it’s a deal breaker or non-negotiable for you personally, but something to be aware of and explore a little deeper with him.
“He claimed he doesn’t get triggered much, and hardly get mad.” This could become a challenge in your relationship. This combined with the statement:
“At times, he won’t share certain things not because he doesn’t want to be honest with me, but because he cares about how I might feel.”This gives me the feeling that he might have a pattern of emotionally hiding. He might have the coping mechanism of burying his feelings so he doesn’t make someone else uncomfortable with how he is feeling. It may be his coping mechanism of how he kept peace in his life when he was a child. He may not have been allowed to feel. What was his childhood like? Any abuse, verbal or physical? Any neglect or abandonment? He sounds like a good “go with the flow” guy, but how REAL that is, is questionable. Meaning, it could be authentic OR he could have the pattern of not being well connected to his TRUE emotions and he just buries them quickly and goes with the flow of life and doesn’t allow himself to exist. The danger in this pattern, is that one day, people like that tend to “burst” like a volcano. Over the years, they have built up sooooo much and then one day, something intense enough happens and they burst and it all coming flowing out. You may do something so small and before you know it, he is hurt BIG TIME and releasing a lot of the energy onto you and it will take you by surprise. I don’t really trust people who don’t get triggered in their lives or feel angry very much – at least until I can really feel into their emotional system and see that is actually true vs. them naturally blocking their emotions. They do it on an unconscious level too, so it’s not something they are aware of. It’s just their coping mechanism and how they survived their childhood.
Anyways…it would be something I would pay attention to and want to explore further.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You have grown so much since college, right? In good ways! Not everyone can say that. You have been through so much in your life, but you never gave up. You kept figuring out how to get back up on your feet and kept fighting for more understanding, more healing, more abundance, more expansion. And now you get to have this wonderful man shower you with love and connection. Even if it’s just for now, it’s powerful and healing on a new level. It DOES exist, you are able to receive it, value it and appreciate it AND so is he! It’s beautiful! You’ve worked very hard to be in this moment. I celebrate you!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
WELL DONE! I”m so happy to hear the conclusion you have come to!! I would like to invite you to take it a little further. Even your friendship is valuable. Trent has not treated you well AT ALL! He was not being authentic and was using you for his own purposes. I’m curious, what makes you consider still being friends with a person like that. He won’t value you as a friend either – as he clearly demonstrated by not following through on plans he made with you. Why not just let him go completely. Is he REALLY the kind of “friend” you want to invite into your life, considering the kind of person he has been with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing more details!
I want to ask you some questions first and see if you are willing to go down your own rabbit hole at all. If not and you don’t like the direction I am taking you, then that’s perfectly fine and I trust you will say something!
Relationships are reflective. The people we attract into our lives and are attracted to, give us a WONDERFUL mirror showing us where we are at in our lives on many levels. Let’s look at this a little deeper. You are attracted to a guy who is quite messy. He does drugs, he is very emotionally fragile, he relies on his coach/movies to tell him how to be and how to live his life, he asks you to move in pretty instantly and starts talking about marriage when you guys barely know each other and it sounds like he hasn’t really processed or knows how to work through his traumas in life. I’m obviously just looking at the limiting side of him. I know he has a lot of great qualities as well.
You say we are all “messy” and we need to just accept that, but I would encourage you to look at it a bit differently. Relationships take A LOT of work and commitment. When I coach people in inviting love into their lives, THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect that needs to be paid attention to, is how that person responds under stress. Do they cut you out or are they good communicators? Are they honest? Do they have any addictions? Are they abusive in any way? Etc. Knowing the WORST in a person is critical because it is part of the foundation. If their worst is not workable, respectful of themselves as well as you, then there is a BIG crack in the foundation. John Gottman did a 20 year study on relationships and what makes them last and actually be happy long term. One of the characteristics discovered for the successfull marriages, was that even during arguments, BOTH people treated each other with respect. If, in their worst moments, the couples became manipulate, shut down, passive aggressive etc., they didn’t end up lasting long term.
So what I want to invite you to think about is this: I know you have an incredible connection together. The good part of you guys works flawlessly. The not so good part does not work so well. He is showing you that he is someone you cannot rely on to communicate with you. He is showing you how fearful he is in his life and that he runs instead of staying and facing his fears. He uses drugs for escape probably. He is not showing you any kind of respect by being a good teammate and partner when he is feeling something challenging with how he feels. If he is a mirror to you, what would you say he is reflecting back to you about yourself? I know you are very confident in yourself AND you are not. We ALL have low self-esteem in certain areas of our lives, so there is something in you that would get connected with a guy who is incredibly messy and ultimately not emotionally available or capable of a long term relationship. Do you have a pattern of needing to rescue guys? Do you have a pattern of being attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable? What’s happening for you that you want to continue to fight for a guy who is clearly quite messy and not able to sustain a relationship? Fighting for him would mean you are inviting his limitations back into your life…the kind of limitations that cannot sustain a relationship.
Does this make sense where I am going with this?
Again, if you are not a fan of this approach, I get it. I’m taking a bit of a risk going down this road, because I know it is not what you are asking for.
All in all, if you want to keep fighting for him, then keeping your distance is important for the simple fact of what Kanya mentioned. HE NEEDS to fight for this. You cannot do it for him. This is important for him to feel within himself and important for you to feel from him. So keeping your distance and letting him feel the emptiness of his life without you, is what can motivate him to want to invite you back in. If he does reach out, take a bit of time before responding. Don’t respond right away every single time. Wait a few hours and let him “wonder” about you. Even wait to respond until the next day sometimes. And I also agree with Kany in that it’s important to stay away from texting about the relationship. If he is interested in meeting in person, then great! Go have a conversation with him and say what you feel and find out how he is feeling. I guarantee this is not about you. I’m sure his fear got sooooo big and he is doing what he knows how to do, which is to get out and stop things all together. I think the pressure was coming from inside of him and not you.
How does this approach feel?
Heidi
Hey there!
I love how easy your connection is going so far! It sounds like you guys have done a lot of talking and building a really good friendship mixed in with a little romance. Nice!
So he has asked you a few times, why me? Someone who does that usually doesn’t have a very high opinion of themselves. The pattern you DON”T want to fall into, is needing to re-assure him all of the time and him relying on you to make him feel good about himself. That’s a pretty toxic pattern that can be the downfall of a relationship down the road. Just pay attention to that. One GREAT response that I use a lot of people who ask is “Why not you?” I like to turn the question around on them and get them looking at all the reasons why not them. It can be a very powerful exercise for someone, so maybe give that a shot! Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hey there!
I love how easy your connection is going so far! It sounds like you guys have done a lot of talking and building a really good friendship mixed in with a little romance. Nice!
So he has asked you a few times, why me? Someone who does that usually doesn’t have a very high opinion of themselves. The pattern you DON”T want to fall into, is needing to re-assure him all of the time and him relying on you to make him feel good about himself. That’s a pretty toxic pattern that can be the downfall of a relationship down the road. Just pay attention to that. One GREAT response that I use a lot of people who ask is “Why not you?” I like to turn the question around on them and get them looking at all the reasons why not them. It can be a very powerful exercise for someone, so maybe give that a shot! Just something to think about.
Heidi
