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Hi Vino,
The first thing I want to say is it’s OKAY to feel foggy and confused! The more you resist it or fight against it, the more it will intensify. What if you could just start to feel COMFORTABLE being confused. What if you just started to feel that whatever decision you make, it’s the best you can do for right now and that’s okay! I would suggest to sit down and have a conversation WITH the confusion. “Why are you hear? What are you here to teach me? What would you like to tell me or show me? I’m listening.” Get COZY with it!
Write EXACTLY that to JB. Just be authentic about your struggle right now. It’s just sharing who you are and letting him have a bit of a window into how you process. Something like, “Man. I’ve been struggling a lot the past few days. So much confusion, fogginess and indecisiveness. Not so fun, but it’s also okay. It’s helping me practice and learn how to get more comfortable when things do not flow for me. It’s the rollercoaster of life isn’t it? I’m also taking a lot of baths, watching some kickass movies and making sure I’m not pulling out whatever hair I have left. lol.” Thoughts?
Lastly, I’m sooooo glad you feel so connected to your BJJ group and those men were honest and authentic in sharing their hearts. Men DO feel quite a bit. It wouldn’t say that it’s more than women though. We are just built very differently and experience things on a level of intensity that is just different. Sometimes more than and sometimes less than men, but mostly just different. Men feel depth and emotions differently than us ladies. No one is better or worse for it. I love though, that those men have heart and were willing to share it with the group. Sooooo powerful and beautiful, right???
Heidi
Hi Katy!
I love all the realizations that you are connecting to! It’s powerful stuff! You are taking the very first steps towards healing and growth. Understanding and knowing your patterns is the very first layer. Now you get to watch yourself. I suggest questioning yourself and your decisions A LOT in the beginning. Stopping and asking yourself, “Is this loving TO ME by meeting this person’s needs?” Your ability to love and care for people is so natural to you. That’s not the area you need to work on. You need to go the places that are NOT natural and the places that are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE for you – and then notice what kinds of thoughts come up. For example, let’s say a friend wants you to drive them 45 minutes away to pick up their car at the mechanics. And let’s say the only time you can do it is at the end of a super long work day. You REALLY want to say no because it’s just asking a lot of you at the end of your day. The quiet time you get to have at home is VERY important for you because it’s the time you regenerate and fill the tank back up again before the next day. Do you say yes or no to helping your friend? If saying yes feels natural, then you need to say no! If saying no makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable, then say no. Then watch what kinds of thoughts come up. Maybe thoughts like “You are so selfish, you are not very supportive, you are not being a good friend” will come up. That lets you know the programs that are running in your subconscious that are causing you to take your gift and overuse it – the programs that are keeping you from self love and taking care of yourself better. Does this make sense?
“Although I love to take care of others and love to take care of him, sometimes I am burnt out, and I guess in some moments, I put my needs for him to take care of me. This is probably what I should work on: taking care of myself. I never realized that’s what I did. I should become more independent and put care into myself. If I do make my gift a strength more than it could be a weakness, would my relationships be “easier” to control, such as when there are problems or when they meet an end? Maybe I’m just not ready for the “relationship” I had with him? If I truly can take care of myself, then would it be “easier” for me to connect with him again?” I don’t know if it will make it easier to connect with HIM per se. Remember that one of the reasons he was attracted to you in the first place was because of your desire to overgive. If you started to finally take care of yourself and not need HIM to feel good and balanced in your life, he may or may not be attracted to that. It’s not that you don’t ask for your needs, it’s that you have a commitment to yourself that you are going to get your needs met, whether it’s through him or through other resources. There are MANY times in a relationship when your partner just can’t be there for you. Then what? It’s that part that is missing in you. You have only relied on outside sources to help you vs. developing your primary source of support from within yourself. So once you get this part of yourself up and running, you WILL attract a man who will WANT that from you and support that and who will also do that for himself. That’s one of the foundations of a healthy relationship….BOTH people have the knowledge, skillset and connection to themselves for self-care and self-love and they BOTH support each other from that space.
Thoughts?
Heidi
That’s great! It’s always important to just check in with yourself and your deeper feelings before deciding how to react and how to respond. That is the BIG advantage to texting vs. being in person – although there are many disadvantages too. lol.
I’m glad to hear you guys are getting closer and that he is showing up consistently again. I’m sure it soothed that part of you that panicked. Any further thought to working with someone to deal with those parts of you? That part of you is not gone. Robin WILL disconnect again and he will hurt you, disappoint you etc. so it’s good to clear out as much gunk as you can so you can handle those moments with much more ease. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hello there!
Great response!!! Let’s dive in…
“Is it unhealthy to expect this from your loved one? What if I keep giving and he never knows what I want to make me happy, like in my previous marriage? That was my fear by not voicing what I want. It will be on me that he doesn’t know it ‘cuz he can’t read my mind, especially when we are long distant.” Correct. NEVER expect anyone to know what you want. Each and every single time you need something, you say it. DO NOT expect anyone to be a mind reader. Even if he knows what you need, he may be so wrapped up in his own world that he is just not connected. That’s why communication is so important.
“it would make me really happy if you would watch the movie with me”. Vs will you sacrifice what you want for me? I can see of the tone of wanting him to give up a part of his happiness for me. Is that your concern? I guess in my definition of love, sacrifice is part of that. Act of love (sacrifice) to me is romantic. Like Jesus sacrifice his life for us.” I understand how this would be romantic for you. I would sacrifice my life for my mother. I would push my dog out of the way of a car and sacrifice my life for his…without even thinking about it. That’s where the word sacrifice belongs NOT in small acts of daily life. Sacrificing is a VERY intense word energetically. The more appropriate word for daily living activities is compromise. How you used that sentence to get him to watch a movie with you was quite manipulative. You posed your question in a way that would increase his level of guilt and that he would not be a good partner if he didn’t watch the movie with you – which is not true. Whether he watched the movie or not with you, has NOTHING to do with how good of a partner he is – unless this was part of a pattern that you were noticing…but it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
“Even if he doesn’t watch the movie with me, I will feel a bit disappointed and unsupported at that moment” This is the real story here. Instead of you being very direct and asking for what you wanted, you posed a question in a way that would make him feel guilty for meeting his own needs. And if he chose that for himself over meeting your needs, you have the story around that, as feeling “unsupported.” Disappointed? Of course. Anyone would feel that. Unsupported? That”s not the truth with this guy. That’s a deeper, core issue in YOU. That is coming from your past relationship and does not belong on this current guy – unless you are starting to notice a pattern – which again, I am not hearing that is how you feel with this guy. When you have a need that you want met, you want to think about inspiring him to help you vs. guilting him into it. So you would say something like “I’ve had a really hard day and I so badly just want to watch a movie with you and zone out. It would bring me so much comfort if you would join me. I know you may not feel like it and that’s okay. I understand. What if we find a movie that you love? I just feel like being with you tonight and watching a movie would help me so much.” It’s kind of like a sales pitch so to speak. You want him to feel WILLING to help you, you want him to feel GOOD about helping you and you want him to feel EMPOWERED by helping you. You do NOT want him to feel pressured into helping you and you definitely do NOT want him to feel guilty if he doesn’t. Does this make more sense?
“What would you say if you were me if your guy say this to you? Will you tell him that he doesn’t have to do things that he doesn’t want to do?” I would say, “I understand and will always be okay if you are not able to help me. The most important thing to me is that you take care of yourself and make sure you are in balance. I do not want my needs to add pressure to your life. I know how to take care of myself too and have lots of other ways to make sure I am okay. You are my favorite way though 🙂
“I read somewhere that men can be selfish and think of themselves first. I know this can’t be true with all men. Selfish is not good but self-love is healthy right?” PEOPLE can be selfish. It’s not exclusive to just men. And what is selfish anyways? Men just operate differently in the world than us ladies. Do they have a tendency to be more selfish? Maybe. Is that bad? NO. Isn’t being selfish the same as loving your self? There are 2 sides to it. There’s a healthy version and an unhealthy version and then the range that lives between those 2 extremes. It is sooooo crucial to be selfish sometimes. It’s not a bad or wrong thing. If you really think about it, if someone calls you selfish, they are just mad be they are not getting what THEY want. So they are being selfish as well and then getting angry and pointing the finger at the person doing the very thing (being selfish) they are also wanting to do and be. You WANT a guy who feels comfortable being selfish – self loving. You WANT a guy who is confident in knowing where his line is and when he is over-giving and knows how to keep himself in balance – even if it means saying not to you.
“My big question is how do I know if I am in a healthy relationship? We can’t always be happy 100% of the time and there will be a learning curve with each other all the time right? How do I know if certain tensions are healthy and certain ones are seeds to be toxic and codependent?” You know you are in a healthy relationship when you feel MORE of who you are, not less…when you feel MORE EXPANSIVE, MORE JOY, MORE HAPPINESS. Dr. Gottman puts it quite simply: Stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity. Unstable marriages are .08:1. He also says “Conflict is okay as long as it is supplemented by kindness and empathy.” So for now, it sounds like you are quite happy and things are going really well. You are expanding and not contracting, so the door gets to stay open!
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
Wow! It’s shocking, right? It’s so confusing when something like this happened and the reality is, you may never know. What you DO know is that he is not someone who is able to be honest and authentic with where he is at. To completely disappear with no regard or respect for your experience, is telling you that he is not someone who is a good communicator and not someone you can count on.
What happened? It’s possible he is already in a serious relationship and he maybe 1 of those guys who cheats or just plays around on texts and meeting in person was not a good thing. (Just FYI…a survey came out about Tinder and about 50% of the people on there were already in a serious relationship). If he was cheating, maybe he got caught. Or something terrible could have happened and he is in a hospital somewhere.
You can send him a text saying something like, “Hey there. I haven’t heard from you in a week and that is very unusual for you. I hope everything is okay! If you are okay and not in a hospital bed somewhere and you just don’t feel like you want to connect anymore, it would be nice to hear it directly. If I don’t hear from you by the end of this week, I will take that as your answer and close the door and wish you the very best.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through right now. It’s so difficult to watch someone you are deeply connected to, not fight for you.
How long have you guys been together? Have you broken up over the same exact reason each time?The first thing to understand is, it IS a lot of pressure to not feel like you are giving your partner enough time and connection. If he is feeling drained, that means his life feels like he can’t keep up. It means he is more in survival mode and just trying to hold on. It means he doesn’t have a lot of energy to do his life AND make sure you feel like you have enough quality time with him.
Let’s talk about this for a little bit. What do you consider quality time? What does that time look like and how much were you asking for compared to what he wants to give? How are you communicating your need to him? What are you saying and what is his response?
The thing is, he won’t come back if he is just going to step into the same situation. If he isn’t going to change his work situation and how he lives his life, then YOU need to shift your perspective and the design of how you function with him. Is this something you are willing to explore?
Heidi
Hey there!
I REALLY want to encourage you guys to slow down. I understand the chemistry and connection and the feelings of love. Reality is, you guys have not met in person and neither of you has any clue the kind of people you are in daily life, daily interactions, daily stresses. So talking about kids is a moot point right now. There is no need to teach him anything about being a husband or father until you guys are able to establish that you actually like each other in person and that there is a way for you guys to actually be together. So for now, just have some fun. Talk about the subject, but I wouldn’t take it too seriously.
“So I asked him if he will ever sacrifice what he wants for me.” I’m wondering where this question comes from? It’s actually a pretty intense question. If I were coaching him, I would tell him that is a yellow flag that you asked that, in that way and it’s a window into some of your deep core issues. So let’s talk about this a bit.
“When I thanked him, he said “anything for you.” His response is ALSO a yellow flag. It’s not sweet. It’s a co-dependent type of response. Healthy people DO NOT believe that way. If I were his coach, I would have encouraged him to NOT watch a movie with you to see how you would handle not getting your need met at the time.
“He said having me as his gf in his life is what makes him feel successful everyday. Lol…. You see? I should feel blessed and not complain about this sweet answer right? Any other question suggestions to get him to share more about his work or travel? Or should is just enjoy the bliss?” Again, NOT a sweet answer. I mean it is sweet, but it’s not a healthy kind of sweet. Yellow flag here! He is demonstrating quite a few co-dependent behavioral patterns and energy so far. I know it feels good to have a guy so focused on you, calling you beautiful and giving you a lot of attention. It’s like having a BIG, GIANT glass of water after being dehydrated for a super long time. He is avoiding your questioning. He is not answering and sharing his ACTUAL life with you. He is distracting you by always putting the focus back onto you with his romantic sweet talk and future talk with you. It sounds like this is a pattern as well. I wonder what he is hiding. If he is not allowed to talk about his work, that is one thing. But if he is allowed to share things with you, what is stopping him from letting you into that part of his life?
So just start to pay attention. Pay attention to his patterns and how much he is actually sharing about his feelings about his work, his life, HIS stuff and how much does he deflect to talking about you and building your lives together.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your question with us.
Yes, you want to wait, but I have a few questions. Was there any flirting at all during the few times you guys interacted? You said you had a nice visit. What does that mean? Did you feel a connection?
Yes, the glamour shot is a little much. Just asking would have been plenty. If he is not responding, there are a MILLION reasons as to why that could be happening. Maybe he didn’t get the text, maybe he is gay or transgender, maybe he is dating someone right now, maybe he just doesn’t want to deal with anyone right now, maybe he has a terminal illness, or it could be as simple as him not feeling interested. No matter what his reasons are, he needs to be the one who leads you into dating. You put out the signals and if he doesn’t respond, then it would be good for you to let this guy go. Since he is living in your building, you will have a handful of interactions over time, right? You can just keep being really nice and connective and maybe something can build that way.
I know it’s hard to wait and do nothing, but it really gives you important information that you need. Is there a way you can run into him or create an interaction with him?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m glad to hear you are finding your center again. I’m glad to hear you are realizing how his disconnect was not personal…it truly was about work.
One thing you want to really be aware of inside of yourself is HOW you use our techniques. If there was any part of you (which I’m guessing there was) that decided to become unavailable that evening at 8:30 out of spite or an energy that might have felt something like “You haven’t been available for me, so I’m not going to be available for you” that’s when you really need to stop and listen to yourself. That energy is passive-aggressive and harmful and can cause damage to the relationship. The techniques won’t be successful when used from that kind of mindset.
It’s interesting how you can still “feel” someone, even through technology right? It’s so good for him to associate feeling better after talking with you for a bit. That’s really important for a man to feel. He needs to be able to express his stresses, feel stress and discord and know that his woman can handle it. Men need to feel supported and held, they need to feel their woman can be that solid rock while they are chaos for a period of time. It sounds like that is being established, which is great!!!
The passport thing WILL be okay. Meaning, even if you don’t get it in time, there are other ways for it to be resolved. His suggestion sounds great! Meeting up somewhere in the mountains sounds pretty amazing!
How are you feeling today about all of it? What have you learned about yourself as you went through this experience with him disconnecting a bit?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! What an amazing message. Thank you for sharing soooo many of your deep thoughts and experiences.
I’m so sorry about your son. It’s awful. I have watched kids be so incredibly damaging, hurtful and harmful to their parents. Your son is obviously carrying a lot of emotions and you happen to be the target. My brothers used to do that to my mom, even into their adult years. One of my brothers, at his own wedding, sat my mom and I at the back of the room with a table full of out of town guests, while my father, cousins, aunts and uncles sat at the front of the room with him. It was painful. When family does stuff like that, it hits a level of pain and core woundedness that is like no other. I’m sorry you are having to experience your son that way.
As far as JB, I’m glad you are learning about more about him. I’m glad you did not send him that message about being a small flower not worthy of his attention!! Not good! That is you being very needy and insecure. Although it’s true how you feel, you want to ask for your needs in a more empowered way. For example, you could have said something like, “Man…I had a rough moment with my son today that has completely knocked me off my center. I feel like a horrible mother, what’s the point of trying so hard for him and I feel so small and insignificant. It’s a rough day. I know none of it is actually true, but the feelings are intense right now. Not fun! Will you just tell me that I matter? I just need to hear it from someone to help counteract my own voice. It will help me so much!” Do you see the difference?
You are doing a great job Vino. Even in the face of having such a challenging day, you turned around and pampered yourself instead of allowing yourself to sink into a deep depression or becoming passive-aggressive or becoming harmful towards yourself or your son. You are making some amazing and powerful choices, even in the middle of your pain. You are badass!!!! Seriously!
Heidi
Hi Katy,
Thank you for sharing so much more about you! I understand on a such a DEEP level how you feel. Part of your gift is your ability to love and connect with others. It’s part of your core character and the wonderful way you experience your life. Let’s talk about this further though. Your greatest gift (your ability to love and connect deeply) is ALSO your greatest weakness. That is true about everybody. I too connect VERY deeply AND I have had to learn the skill over the years and MANY hard lessons, that since that is just who I am, I have to be VERY CAREFUL not to lose myself in the relationship, take things very slow AND to ALWAYS make sure I am pouring just as much love into myself along the way and to keep checking in with myself. That means, I DO NOT easily invite people into my life on a deeper level. That means I take things VERY slow and DO NOT open the flood gates just because I feel a connection. That means that I am constantly checking myself and asking myself, “Is being connected with this person INCREASING the connection with myself?” If the answer is no, then I reconfigure the relationship and walk away, if need be. Your gift and ability to connect deeply needs to be CARED FOR and TAKEN CARE OF and HONORED. Just because you can connect deeply, does not mean you should. You have a tendency to pour ALL of yourself into a connection and then lose yourself in the process. Everything ends up going to the other person. This is NOT honoring your gift. You just want to fight for him and invite him back into your life because you don’t want to lose that feeling of connection with him, NOT because he is a healthy partner for you that can offer you what you want and need. Reality is, you poured EVERYTHING into this guy and lost yourself while he sat back and received it all, but never TRULY invested all of himself into you. He operates in relationship very differently than you do.
“I just feel everything from regret to hope of what could have happened if the odds were in our favor. So these feelings bring me a stronger urge to want to connect back and see what can be worked out.” Even if the odds were in your favor, you still would have ended up right here where you are. The situation DOES NOT change a person’s coping mechanisms. He is who he is no matter the situation or environment he is in. It may have taken a lot longer before he disappeared, but it would have happened eventually. Or it may have even happened sooner. Either way, he is not a guy built to go the distance with you.
“It’s because now that I know who he is and can be, I can approach him in a different way?” Yes, you know who he can be in his best, but you are ignoring who he can be in his worst as well. Do you want to go through this again? If you are okay going through this again, then, by all means, fight for the guy. If you are willing to have stress with him and have him disappear all of the time where he leaves you high and dry and is not a good teammate you can rely on, then you absolutely get to do that. Things will be great and amazing when it’s all good and things will be very painful when they are not. That’s quite the rollercoaster ride you will be inviting into your life.
“As I was thinking about my character, I also have a tendency to want to take care of people. It’s interesting and makes zero sense because I don’t do this voluntarily, meaning I don’t go out of my way to volunteer to take care of other people’s lives.” Again, an amazing gift you have. What about taking care of yourself? Do you take care of yourself and focus your attention on yourself just as much as you do other people in your life???
I”’m a person who wants certainty, and I wanted my feelings for him to be certain and not just some bubble of emotions in the air. I think it’s the worst because he gave me assurance and certainty nearly every time I was having doubts, and because of that, I think I began to tell myself the feelings I have will be certain and not to worry.” We ALL want certainty. The thing is, it’s an illusion. There is NO SUCH THING as certainty when it comes to relationship of any kind. It’s a risk to love and connect, no matter what. At any time, the other person could shift and decide to walk away or do something harmful to the relationship that would cause it to end. We cannot control what other people do. Love and connection are NOT guaranteed. That does not exist in a relationship. I have seen 50-year marriages fall apart. It takes 2 and because of that, it’s just plain unpredictable…ALWAYS. That’s why it’s really important to stay VERY present and connect to each and every day. What is true, is what is true IN THE MOMENT and does not mean it will be true for the next day. In a matter of seconds, that curveball could come in and change everything, as you have experienced. So trying to have certainty and reassurances from a guy about how he feels and the direction he wants to go with you, is a moot point. That kind of need is reflecting how much you are putting your authority, value and power into HIS hands. You lose yourself in a relationship, therefore you then rely on and depend on the other person for your source of comfort, needs, reassurances, value etc. It’s like you plug into THEM for your source of wellbeing because you haven’t developed the skillset to stay plugged into yourself and be your very own source. When you experience relationship like that, of course it’s EXTREMELY difficult to disconnect and very painful. Of course you want to keep fighting for him, but not for reasons that are actually healthy for you.
But like I said, you get to fight for him because your life is your design. What I suggest is to just keep giving him space and use this time to learn about yourself, pay attention to your patterns, your DEEP feelings and really break down HOW you want to show up in a relationship. He is NOT the kind of guy who will respond long term to someone he needs to re-assure all of the time. He will respond more to your strength than your need for him to keep you sourced and feeling secure. Give it 30 days. I know it will be a hard 30 days, but a lot of good can come out of that for both of you. Is that something you feel you are able to do?
Heidi
Hi Katy,
Thank you for sharing more details!
Let’s just address this statement: “All in all, I always told myself I’ll follow my heart. Yes, very cheesy, and if I followed my brain life would have been so much easier to cut people off or move on quicker.” It is NEVER just a heart or just a brain decision when it comes to romantic love. The heart and brain ALWAYS work together and always have an influence of what is happening. DO NOT always follow your heart. I say this because your heart carries wonderful and amazing feelings as well as woundedness, limiting beliefs and low self-esteem. Just because you feel connection and love, DOES NOT mean you should follow that. Would you tell a woman who is being abused and feels LOVE for her husband, to stay and she should follow her heart? Would you tell a woman whose boyfriend keeps ghosting her, to stay because she LOVES him?
Healthy love means that you are NOT excluded from the equation. You may feel love towards him, BUT you are not loving yourself by staying. Would you say that it is a loving thing to stay with a guy who treats you this way? Would you say that it is loving and respectful and honoring to yourself to fight for a guy who doesn’t want to fight for you? Would you say that it is loving towards yourself to hand your heart over to a guy who does not have the ability to take care it? Your heart, your love, your trust is SACRED. You would not be treating it as such, by handing it over to someone who doesn’t have the capability nor the skillset of how to care for it. That’s NOT love. What it is, is connection. You feel connected and drawn to him. And I will tell you this from years of experience, soooooo many times we (all people) will be drawn to someone from our woundedness and not from the healthy parts of us. Just a few years ago, I met a guy who was spectacular. We had an INCREDIBLE amount of attraction and chemistry. However, my brain new that entering into anything with this guy would invite chaos and disaster into my life. I also know myself enough to know that he carried a very specific energy/behavior pattern that was similar to my father’s narcissistic personality. I KNEW that part of my attraction was coming from a wounded place in me that was wanting to be loved and accepted by someone who didn’t have that ability. My point being, is that what you FEEL is not always clear. What you feel is NOT always what is true or healthy.
So I want to encourage you to sit with this for a bit and explore and connect to that part of you that wants to connect to a guy and give your heart to a guy who is not emotionally available, highly insecure, very fragile and would take you on a rollercoaster ride. What is happening for you, that you would so easily discount the disrepect he is showing you and ignore it, just so you can keep connecting with him? What is happening in you that you would treat yourself with such disrespect by fighting for a guy who doesn’t want to fight for you?
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Maybe it’s time you really start being fully and completely honest with yourself. Let’s look at your first paragraph. Your reaction is letting you know how much you are hooked into him. You say you can’t imagine him truly liking you so you are comfortable keeping it as friends not ready to meet yet. How about admitting that you have fallen for him big time. How about admitting that you want to be in a relationship with him and then taking action to set that course in motion. You are not aligning your thoughts and feelings for him with your action.
And did you take a closer look into your reaction about your phone not ringing? That “spoiled” child reaction was not spoiled at all. That’s a judgment. That reaction was a wounded little girl reaction. Dive into that and connect to what was REALLY happening. What was true about how she was feeling at that moment?
Sexual energy as a whole system means that sexual energy is NOT just about sex AND the expression of our sexual energy is a reflection of our spiritual body, our emotional body, our physical body, our mental body. So you can tell how healthy or not healthy someone is as a whole, through their sexual energy. Sexual energy is another FANTASTIC system to expose our strengths and weaknesses in our whole system.
The first place I would guide you down, from what I know about you here, is diving into your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about feminine energy. You don’t have the highest opinion of women in general. Your struggles with women will affect your sexual energy because you are not aligned with feminine energy therefore you are not aligned with yourself being a woman. You are all tied up in a ball inside about your sexuality, therefore you aren’t flirty. That can also be a place to start with JB. Start flirting with him and pay attention to how, even the thought of that, makes you feel. Actually, this area of your life could be a GREAT place for you to start using your “body” language techniques to explore deeper into yourself. Why not take yourself through a system of discovering your divine feminine energy, getting more deeply connected to your sexuality, freeing yourself up where you are stuck and write down your process and results. THEN you can create a whole program around it and coach other women through it. Just a thought that came to me as I was writing it.Anyways…watch a bunch of romcom movies and notice the different sexual energies being expressed through the female character and notice how it’s different than the male characters. Find pieces of you that resonate with the different expressions and what doesn’t resonate for you and explore the why behind it.
Those are just a few places to start.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m going to address 2 things here:
” i don’t like talking about them, because i get super depressed when i think about my fantasies, because i’ve had them for as long as i can remember and i’m probably too old now, for any of them to come true. So, until i meet a man who is serious about me, i’m not even going to think about them.”
Let’s talk about your fantasies and flirting. It makes me sad that you don’t allow yourself to have your fantasies! Your sexual energy is sacred, beautiful and is a system that needs to be used and nourished – just like our muscular system, our creative system, our imagination, our spirituality etc. Our sexual energy is a WHOLE SYSTEM full of layers of so many things. First, you DO NOT need a guy to explore this part of you. I”m not just referring to masturbation as that is just a small part of this system. It’s your relationship with yourself, your divine feminine, your spirituality. Sexuality runs deep and is a system that needs to be cared for and tended to ALL THE TIME. It is a system that is no different than muscles. You snooze, you lose. So…it’s naive thinking that if a man enters into your life that you finally feels safe with, that all of a sudden your sexual energy will turn on. That is NOT how it works. You have PROGRAMMED yourself to stay shut down in that area and not allow that part of yourself to be explored and freed, so it doesn’t just “turn on” like a light switch. It will take a while for you to get to know that part of yourself, even when a man does show up that wants to explore with you. Besides, what you imagine is a HUGE part of bringing it into reality! It keeps your visions and needs ALIVE!
“What if I was meeting with JB at a certain time, and something like this happens? I”d show up with a heaviness in me, and pass it on to him. So, isn’t it fair, that he fully knows and is willing to take that risk, of having me show up with in a sour mood because of my kids?! (I know.. there’s a million things that can turn a person sour… but… kids are different, in that i can’t cut myself off from… and that’s why i feel like they’re an issue, and a restriction on MY freedom and availability).”
Look Vino…so what! So what if you show up grumpy because of your kids. Kids are NOT different. Sour is sour, pain is pain, hurt is hurt. It doesn’t matter the source of any of it. It’s just life. No, he will NOT be able to fully understand life as a parent, but that does not make him any less capable of understanding and being supportive. You will NOT be able to fully understand his life as a cop. Reality is, NONE of us can fully understand each other because we are not in each other’s shoes. We can connect deeply and understand through having common experiences, but the best we can all do is to have compassion, understanding, patience and a curiosity to learn about each other’s experiences.
What I am seeing you do is come up with A LOT of reasons why you can’t be close to him or any man for that matter. You are carrying A LOT of fear and putting deep meaning on things that are creating walls. If you go back and re-read everything you wrote, you might a lot of fear present. You don’t want a casual relationship but you don’t want a serious one either. You THINK that’s what you want, but in truth, your subconscious beliefs and fears are putting up walls all over the place. Just something to think about and notice 🙂
I know I have come on a bit strong in this one. Hopefully, it is more helpful than causing you to feel defensive. Let’s see 🙂
Heidi
Hi Katy,
Welcome to the forum! I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to feel soooo connected to someone and then all of a sudden they disappear. You both were REALLY connecting and getting deeper, so to have the rug pulled out from under you, is shocking and extremely painful.
The first thing that needs to happen here, is for you to give him space. No more texting. When you chase a guy like that, he interprets that as “needy” and insecure. He feels your energy of not being okay without him and for most guys, that’s not something they want to take on. They want a woman who FEELS strong and secure in herself. They want a woman they KNOW is okay without him. They want a woman who loves and values herself soooo much that they don’t put up with being treated poorly. You are not demonstrating any of this to him.
Here is something to consider and think about. You barely know him. Who he is on screen is just a TINY TINY sliver of who he is in his life. You started to experience who he is under stress AND you also started to hide who you are by not asking him about what was really going on for him when you noticed patterns and energy changing. You hid, he started to shows signs of disconnect and coldness and now this. This last month, you were starting to see how he handles stress in his life. He showed you he gets passive-aggressive (by being cold). I’m not surprised at all he just cut out. Someone who demonstrates cold behavior is someone who has the ability to cut off connection very quickly. They are highly wounded and have had A LOT of practice cutting ties over their lifetime. People who are cold when they stressed are people who don’t truly invest deeply in relationships either. They are carrying too much fear for their hearts to invest. I know this pattern very well, because it used to be me. It would always shock the guys because I said and behaved and did all the right things to get them connected to me, but I never TRULY invested in return…of course they never knew that until I would abruptly end things. It wasn’t until I dealt with my past and healed my heart that I changed.
Bottom line is, a guy like this is VERY UNCARING with how he handled you. He has just ghosted you without even talking it through with you. So my question to you is, are you sure you want to invite a guy like that into your life? If he has the ability to just cut you out and not care about how that affects you, not honor the past 5 months with a REAL conversation and share authentically what he is feeling, then this is who he is. He is not going to change. If you invite him into your life again, he will do this again and again and again to you. He will take you through cycles of cold disconnected and then return when he feels like it. You will be inviting a seriously challenging rollercoaster ride into your life. It’s awful to be on the other end of someone like that.
I always coach people that when choosing the person you want to share your deep, vulnerable and sacred heart with, you need to choose that person according to their WORST traits, NOT their best traits. The worst of who they are is the most important aspect of a relationship. You have to see who they are under stress, how they treat you, how they treat others, how they treat themselves. If what you see is not loveable, is harmful, is destructive on any level, then that relationship is going to face an incredible amount of challenges. And what he is showing you, is that he is destructive and he is okay with that. I know you love him and that many things were amazing about him as well and that’s why you want him back. I don’t blame you! However, know that you will also be inviting his destructive energy into your life as well and you will never know when it will show up.
So bottom line is, him behaving this way, has NOTHING to do with you. All his reasons in the world don’t matter. His patterns and how he handled this existed waaaaaay before you ever came along and I guarantee this is not the first time he has done this. This is HIS issue, not yours. Whatever you did to trigger it, doesn’t matter. Reality is, we ALL will trigger each other ALWAYS, so the relationship needs to be able to sustain stuff like that. He is showing you he has no interest in that. That is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Thoughts?
Heidi
