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Hi Alicia!
Welcome! I’ll respond to your post here, but if you could create your own thread, it will help us keep track of everyone and make sure each person gets everything they need.
I’m soooooo sorry for the hurt you feel. It’s shocking, isn’t it? To connect so strongly and bond and then to have him just pull away as if it is nothing….ouch! That hurts like crazy!
First, it’s important to understand that men experience relationship sooooo much differently than us ladies. You guys moved REALLY fast in the beginning. You were bonding, he was not. That’s pretty typical. Even though you talked quite a bit and then were intimate, he was most likely not putting much meaning on it. He was most likely just having some fun and not taking it too seriously. It tends to take a lot longer for men to bond compared to women. Most women, within the first date are picturing whether or not that guy could be their future husband. Men, on the other hand, are thinking about sex. This is generally speaking of course, but it truly highlights some of the biggest differences about how we date, especially when things first start out.
I’m glad you are finding out sooner than later how unavailable this guy is. The kind of guy who blames you for being “smothering” all the while he is not communicating, is the kind of guy you want to RUN AWAY from. That’s a HUGE red flag right there telling you he is not a good communicator and when you confront him, he is going to blame it on you. You don’t want that kind of drama and rejection in your life. He obviously is not ready, nor willing to truly have a deeper, more meaningful experience with a woman. I know he is rejecting you, but I like to look at it as, he is rescuing you from a really messy rollercoaster ride – with him.
I know it still hurts and it will sting for a while longer, but hopefully this experience will teach you to take things MUCH SLOWER in the future. The slower things develop, the more time there is to TRULY know someone BEFORE getting hooked, especially sexually. Making a guy wait and making yourself to wait before heading into that energy, is soooo healthy for building a good foundation anyways. It gives the “getting to know you” phase more breathing room.
Heidi
Hi Mel!
Welcome! Interesting questions. Yes, matchmakers can work. It just depends on how big the database is and how involved the process is. Everyone is so different.
Are you wanting to fall in love and have a long term experience or are you just wanting to be casual?
There are so many different dating apps and I have heard a wide range of experiences for all of them. I think what is most important is that you use whatever app will align with your mindset. Filling out the eharmony profile is an extensive and mulitple hours kind of thing. People who are willing to go through that have most likely a more serious relationship kind of mindset vs. something like match or tinder where it takes 10 minutes to fill out a profile. You will find more people on those apps that are more casual/hook up kind of mindset.
Share a little more about what you are looking for and we can better guide you!
Heidi
OMG!!! Your floor is done! That is spectacular!!! I bet it feels so amazing to have it completed and I bet it looks beautiful!! yayaya!
Soooo…how was it?? That’s a long day together. Anymore flirting? Im curious…how did you feel inside yourself around him?
Man…your grandma really did a number didn’t she? Meaning, she really impacted and imprinted a lot of negative beliefs. Sheesh! That’s some yucky stuff! I’m glad you are connecting to it and working on re-programming. I’m glad you are breaking the cycle!!!! Well done!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
There is soooo much to say! It truly is a great conversation and even in your reflections back to me, I am seeing how I need to say some things differently. You are a great teacher!
With that being said, we can keep talking in circles about feminine energy, but it seems you are quite set in wanting to believe what you believe about women and that’s okay! You truly are doing sooooooo much work on yourself and seeing and feeling some great results. That’s all that matters anyway. You are doing so much self-discovery work right now that I think dissecting your perspective on women is just distracting. So how about we shelf this topic of women for now and just keep on track with what resonates for you…yes?
Heidi
Hi Mel,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a great question!
First, the guy who is married is unavailable. I’m wondering why you are even considering him. What is happening for you that you would even be available for a man who is already committed to another woman? That is INSTANT competition and an unhealthy start to a relationship…unless, of course, the marriage is open and there is an agreement.
Second, yes…the kids come first. The older they are, the more self-sufficient they are, therefore he is going to be more available. However, how the family functions is quite varied. Do they like each other? Are they forgiving people? What are their individual relationships like compared to them as a family, even though they are not “together?”
Bottom line is, yes it can completely work and you can fit in quite nicely IF the dynamics between him and his children are healthy. Men especially, tend to not have the best boundaries with their kids after divorce. Men tend to try to make up for hurting the kids by trying to keep them as happy as possible and not have good boundaries. So before you really open your heart to this guy, there is still a lot of information you need to gather, before you really consider involving yourself with a family. Because you won’t be just dating him…he comes with the full package and you want to SEE and KNOW that package is something you WANT to fit into.
It’s a lot of work when kids are involved, no matter what. Is that a journey you are willing to step into?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
All the texts have different purposes. They are all very powerful and helpful, however not 100% successful. Nothing is. There are so many dynamics in a situation and so many things out of your control. There are a million unknowns for each situation, so learning how and when to use the texts, how to customize them, the timing of them etc. is quite the art form. And even at best, they still may not work. Unfortunately, that is the reality of love and especially dating. It’s unpredictable and we really don’t have much control over how things progress.
Learning the texts is so helpful in the sense that you are learning some effective ways to communicate to men. It may not work on this guy, but it could work on the next guy. The texts are a teaching tool to help you understand men a little more and some of the words and phrases that men tend to respond to. Whether they work on your current situation or not, learning to communicate in these ways is a skill you will use for the rest of your life!
As far as your guy, it sounds like he has backed off quite a bit. Is he someone you want to continue getting to know? It’s quite fishy how he is behaving, so I just suggest to tread carefully and keep your options open for other experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Odira,
Welcome! I can see why this is confusing for you, so I’m glad you are here to try and understand what is happening.
The first thing I would like to recommend is to never use the hero instinct when it involves an ex – especially if there is any kind of unhealthy behavior happening. The reason is, you don’t want to have a new guy, who you just met, to get involved with your ex. First, the new guy is going to see that you attracted and were in a relationship with someone who is turning into a stalker guy. That is a reflection of you not choosing very well. Second, when you are not setting strong, healthy boundaries and allowing this new guy to “rescue” you in some sort of way, he will see that you are not taking care of yourself and you are already relying on him to “help” you, because you are not doing that yourself. Men want to know a woman can take care of herself and not rely on him to “rescue” her. Even though they do like to rescue us and we like to be rescued, it is not a healthy behavior to use when trying to disconnect and create boundaries with an ex. You JUST met this guy and already he is seeing the drama that is following you and that your past relationship is incomplete. That is not something most guys are willing to step into. So my guess is, it’s just too much for him and he is not willing to get involved with any of it.
He is also not being very honest, which is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! The fact that he cannot just flat out tell you, “I’m not interested” and instead is making plans with you then not following through, is a guy who is not aligned with his integrity. AND…you are the one that broke it off and then you are wanting to try again…you don’t sound very clear and you are already creating a rollercoaster with this brand new guy. By wanting him back, you are telling him “Sure…go ahead and ghost me, go ahead and be flaky, go ahead and play games….I’ll let you treat you me that way.” That is teaching him that he actually does not have to be respectful of you, your time, your energy, your heart. It’s telling him that he can treat you however he wants and you will still end up chasing him.
Is this what you want?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Welcome! I understand your question and it’s an important question.
I’m wondering, what is the rush?? He isn’t even officially divorced yet and you are wanting him to commit to the next phase of his life. Have you ever been divorced?? There is A LOT that happens once those papers are signed. It’s quite significant actually. Yes, the relationship is over and probably has been for awhile, but there is something that still happens for someone emotionally and spiritually when they sign the papers to officially break the contract. It’s the end of a dream they committed to with someone. It represents failure. It represents a new identity and label of being “divorced.”
My suggestion is for you to slow down quite a bit. He is going to need some time to process anything that comes up for him. He is going to need some time to feel whatever he needs to feel. It can awhile for emotions and thoughts to surface, depending on the person and how well they know themselves and how strongly (or not) they are connected to their emotions. Right now, he needs your support instead of questioning whether or not he wants to be with you. He needs you to give him space. He needs you to understand that divorcing is a REALLY BIG DEAL! He needs you to honor that he is doing the best that he knows how right now AND he is limited and not able to give you what you want.
Is this something you can give you to him?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
The reality is, if a guy really wants to connect, 4 hours will not matter to him, just as it doesn’t matter to you. When there is an open door in the heart, when there is a strong connection, when someone is truly ready and willing to connect and all lights are green and say go, nothing stops them.
If he doesn’t respond or answer your questions, then he is communicating that he is not interested in connecting a this point. It’s really difficult being that he is so far away and that doesn’t help the situation. But reality is, he is missing something in himself, that is keeping him from wanting to connect.
Whether he just doesn’t feel inspired to connect with you because the relationship was not what he was wanting or there is something in him personally that blocks him from truly investing in someone…who knows. You are doing the very best that you know how. I wish that were enough to get us all what we wanted.
Have you set yourself a time limit as to how long you are going to hold out for this guy? It’s important for you to take care of and love yourself as well!
Heidi
Hi Marina,
I agree with Kanya. Take out “there is nothing that stands between us.” The rest of your message communicates that very clearly. It’s a light and easy message. You are asking how he is, you share a bit about you and you invite him to coffee. That very much communicates that you are open to connecting and sharing and there is nothing that is in the way of you wanting that with him. Keeping that sentence in the your text, changes the feeling of it. It doesn’t fit with the overall tone. It’s serious and it’s relationship talk. He’s very obvious in not wanting to talk relationship stuff, so the best way you can get a response from him, is to leave out all the deep stuff, emotiona stuff or anything that is more personal. The rest of your message is great, it’s light, it’s stays on the surface, it’s connective and non-threatening and has no pressure in it. That’s your best bet at this point.
And like Kanya suggested, do not expect a response. I know that’s super hard, but maybe give yourself a time limit. If you don’t hear back from him in 5 days, then it’s time to close the door and move on from this guy. Create some sort of boundary for yourself where you decide you are no longer going to fight for a guy who isn’t going to fight for you. He is de-valuing you and you are participating in that. So have a limit as to how long you are going to wait and then what you are going to do if he doesn’t respond by that time.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katy,
This is great stuff! Thank you for staying connected with us and continuing to ask for guidance in learning about yourself!
Here is something that may be difficult to understand through this platform. Most people get it when I can teach them in person. Let’s see how this goes.
Just because you don’t feel something, does NOT mean it’s gone. Just because you do feel something, does not mean it’s true. So just because you don’t feel the hurt, the pain, the resentment etc. about him, it does not mean those feelings are gone. Since you have had years of pushing your feelings down and that was a way your system coped through life, my guess is, you most likely buried the hurt etc. You felt it for a few days and then they were gone. You felt some of it, but to be honest, after talking to a guy every single day for 5 months and getting really close and feeling him in your life every single day, to not feel hurt about his choice after a few days does not do it justice for how hurtful his choice was. If you were really connected to all that you feel, you would have several days in a row where you cried. You would need several days of anger and hurt and frustration and working through all of it. Also, another symptom that you are more connected to him than you realize, is how much you are still thinking about him. You are still bringing him into your life on a daily basis. You are counting the days of no contact. You still use quite a bit of your mental, emotional, spiritual energy on him. You are still hoping for some kind of future with him. You want to be friends??? If he ghosted you like this, are you sure you want to invite someone like that into your life, even as your friend? Reality is, you are NOT over him and you need more time. You haven’t closed the door in your heart to him. Your heart is still open to him and as long as that is happening, friendship is NOT possible. When you are willing to REALLY let him go, then the real healing can begin. THEN you might have more access to those feelings of hurt and pain.
What do you feel about this?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thank you for sharing all you have. It’s very honest and raw and I truly appreciate that.
I’m just going to address one thing here.
“Bottom line is – I can’t think of a single good reason to be friends with a woman, if i could be friends with a man instead.”
First, why does it have to be either/or? It wouldn’t need to be being friends with a man instead of a woman. It’s about being freinds with EVERYONE.
Second, this isn’t about being friends with women, because you are supposed to for any reason. This is about you, bottom line. You are working so hard to heal yourself. I will tell you from experience, you will only get so far as long as you hold onto your beliefs about women. Rejection of women is a rejection of yourself. Believe me, I understand all you feel about women. I too have struggled a VERY LONG time with female energy. I grew up with boys, 2 brothers and a strong narcissistic father, I was abused by both men and women (the women were far worse) and the majority of my friends have always been male. The past 5 years, I have been slowly working on healing my relationship with feminine energy because I want to heal myself. I want to come into relationship with myself. I don’t want to carry any resentment, judgment, fear or resistence towards women anymore. Not for them, but for me. It’s not the kind of person I want to be in this world. AND I know that should I choose to hold onto any of that, it is an energy that will keep me limited and stuck and will only continue to attract negative experiences with women into my life. No thank you! I am done with drama, I am done with life being “hard,” I am done with suffering and I am done struggling. That means that I have to be willing to shift and transform anything that carries hurt, judgment, resentment etc. You are not a victim Vino. Blaming other women for your hurt is the story you CHOOSE to hold onto. These women were just being human – no different than you. You have caused a lot of hurt and pain towards others as well. It’s a part of life. If you want to choose to invest in the story you created, you absolutely get to do that. If you want to create a life that is more full of joy, internal peace, self-love and connection, freedom and empowerment, all the beliefs you carry will need to shift. You cannot give life to those beliefs AND have a joyful, vibrant. They are split energies. Yes, they can co-exist and yes, you can have moments of joy and laughter and vibrancy, but you will always be limited. If there is 1 waterfall sourcing 2 rivers, they will have a certain level of flow. If you shut down 1 river and have all the waterfall flow into 1 river, it’s that much more powerful. I’m sure you get my point.
So my question to you is this….what’s the point of healing and doing all of this work on yourself if you want to hold onto hurt and resentment and pain and fear about anyone? It’s like being on a hamster wheel. You can do all the work you want on yourself, but if you don’t face the core, root issues and if you don’t choose forgiveness and if you don’t face the anger and resentment you carry, then you really won’t get anywhere. You will just continue to attract experiences that support your beliefs. It’s the same exact thing your son is doing. He is depressed because he is not letting go of the past. Depression is anger turned inwards. There are ALWAYS consequences to holding onto any negative energy and giving it life, so the truth is, the only person you are hurting is yourself.
Again, I understand so much about how you feel about women – more than you realize. I just want to encourage you that none of this is about “other.” It’s truly only about you and how you want to feel in your life. I finally found someone specific to help me through healing the disconnect that still exists in me with female energy. I actually start on Monday. I want to heal. I’m NOT looking forward to it because of all the stuff I need to uproot, but I AM looking forward to how I will feel when I am done. I will feel more free, waaaay more empowered, I will become MORE of who I am and I will only get to enjoy my life that much more. And my life is already pretty badass. I love my life! AND I don’t want to hold onto the past anymore and I know this piece around female energy needs to be addressed more.
You are a powerful woman Vino in many, many ways. Imagine if you freed up all that energy you carry that is stuck in the past and it became part of your future and full of vibrant, powerful life energy instead of full of resentment, anger and fear. Your life would be soooooo much different! Your relationship with your kids would be that much stronger. Your ability to attract a male partner in your life that is more healthy will be that much more possible.
But of course, you get to resist and reject everything I have said. It’s your life, it’s your choice and it’s your design.
Heidi
Hi Katy,
I wish working more was a way to heal things! lol. I think if that were actually true, we would have a much healthier culture!
Unfortunately, the ONLY way to heal is to feel into what is coming up and work with it directly. When you distract yourself with work, it’s a nice break, but the feelings just end up getting buried and stored away in a nice, little, cozy box waiting for you to get triggered again and it will pop right back up again. We don’t forget…ever. The memories, the feelings, the smells, the sounds – all get stored in our body, brain, spirit and subconscious. The lack of feeling pain is NOT a sign of healing – unless you directly worked with and shifted that pain. Most people don’t want to take that path, because it’s hard. The rewards however, are AMAZING and life changing!
There is so much more to say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. So let me know your thoughts on this and we can keep talking about it!
heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! You are asking a great question. It’s not uncommon for financial differences to break up a couple. It’s actually one of the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. Money is a HUGE part of each person’s life…whether they have it or not. Every single person has beliefs around money that are healthy and not healthy and whether a person wants to face those issues inside themself or not, is up to them.
It sounds like traveling and having a partner that is financially abundant is important to him. I’m wondering if maybe from past experience, he had a relationship where he paid for everything and maybe that didn’t work out too well. Regardless, it sounds like this is a pretty important issue to him. Maybe there is a way for him to still travel on his own, but then once a year, you save up enough money to go with him? I’m also wondering if there were other feelings he was having about your future, but not sharing them. He can say it’s about “money” because that is something you cannot fix at the moment, so it’s a way to end things without you trying to find loopholes in his reason. His reason is a pretty clearcut reason and you can’t really argue it.
I’m sorry this has happened. It’s so hard to be cut out so quickly out of someone’s life, especially when things are going so well. It’s important for you to see this about him though. If he cut out this quickly and easily, my guess is he is carrying around a lot of fear and he would have found some reason to end things at some other point. Better sooner than later.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s interesting that some of your friends believe he is still into you and that you should just go for it. What makes them think that? What are your thoughts on that?
Rejection, especially coming from a family member, is so impactful isn’t it? I’m glad you are connecting into it and learning how to shift that energy. We will all experience moments of rejection for the rest of our lives, so clearing the past and present makes it that much more manageable when it shows up again. Just curious, how exactly are you working on that aspect in yourself?
You know…there is a lot of truth to what you are saying that it’s believed more is better. It’s an old paradigm that I have no doubt is still influencing social behaviors today. Can you imagine living in a time where being fat was considered luxurious and a sign of being rich?? lol.
Heidi
