[Heidi G]

Oh my goodness! I totally cracked up about your face and how the coach took pics and how you were officially deemed a savage! hahaha! That’s great! I”m glad it’s finally healing up though.

I’m sorry you are still struggling with your last marriage. It sounds like there are still some things to resolve and create closure around so you can be 100% free from it. I’m glad you got some money from it though! It’s allowing you this very beautiful time to just slow down and get to know yourself. I LOVE that you and your daughter spent time together in ways that you love. That’s special! NO GUILT!!! Taking care of yourself, enjoying the moment and loving what you get to do, is something that needs to be part of every single day.

As far as the clothes, I get it. I have no doubt there are a few items you can find, that are within a price range you feel comfortable with, that you can LOVE! You deserve to have at least a few things that make you feel fabulous! Keep an eye out for those things! I have ALWAYS found exactly what I needed and wanted, within the price range that felt good for me. It takes awhile sometimes, but I know it’s worth the wait.

I know you have a lot to say about what I wrote and you will get to it when you have the energy. 🙂

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So interesting about the bathroom thing. What about public bathrooms? I imagine at restaurants and such, you would say “I need to go to the bathroom.” Yes? Here, if we are being more formal, we say “I need to use the restroom” But rarely do I hear “I need to use the loo or I need to use the toilet.” In fact, I don’t think I ever hear that unless it’s someone from Europe. But you are saying that in most homes, the place you take a bath and shower is separate from where the toilet is? Are they at least rooms that are next to each other?

You guys have an interesting dynamic. It sounds like there is definitely a comfort and connection that exists for sure. It truly was a super nice thing he did to help you with your floor, especially after things ended. I imagine he has gained respect for you since you handled everything so gracefully. I just love that you are staying present and just letting things be what they are, instead of trying to turn it into something more than what it is. It truly is a testament to how comfortable you are in your own skin. Most women would try to make something happen again. You’ve grown a lot Emilie! Did you guys set up a thank-you dinner yet?

I’m stubborn too! lol. Your grandma had a tough upbringing and it’s obvious she is still being strongly influenced by it. Makes me sad when people choose to stay in a relationship with old patterns and beliefs that are full of lies and hurt and sadness. She has so much more life at her fingertips than she even knows. I’m glad she at least has you to show her what is possible.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m wondering why he gets “upset” when you want to talk about it. It sounds like it’s a trigger for him. Which again, is something to be VERY CAUTIOUS with, because if “labeling” is a trigger for him, then unless he faces that trigger and deals with it, it will always be there…so labels like girlfriend or wife may never be possible with this guy.

You can indirectly ask him questions about his past relationships. Many times, you will gather information from HOW he talks about them, WHAT he says about them and whether or not there is still any unresolved energy. This might give you a clue as to what is happening for him around the label thing.

Make sure you feel really good about your choice. Many women tend to put their needs aside for a man. They would rather have connection than honor what they truly need and want – which might result in disconnection. When your choice is at the expense of yourself, you are setting the relationship up for failure. If what you want comes from insecurity, then work with it! Dissect that insecurity and get to know it and work on healing it. That is setting up a relationship for success! Let’s talk about your insecurity. Where does it come from? What exactly is it? What are you afraid of?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Great! I am so glad to hear that you are noticing some of the same things! This means you are keeping your eyes open and you are paying attention to your gut!!! Well done!

“I also discussed with him about potential schedule conflict in the future where we both need to attend something together at 2 different places and how we should discuss and prioritize.” I’m wondering why you are asking this question. How is it relevant to you? My guess is, maybe it’s a scenario you had to go through with your ex and you wanted to see how this current guy would respond? It seems there might be a bit of fear driving the need to ask this question, so I’m just curious.

“So I’ve been noticing this inequality of info sharing, which I called out to him already. He tends to avoid the question by asking how are my kids and how I am doing. So, still dealing with this. I can see he could be a jealous type but he expects me not to be jealous type when he has other women liking him. I don’t think he is a cheater necessarily but he likes getting attention even though he won’t admit it.” So this could be a sign of a couple of different things. He could have some real strong tendencies towards narcissism or he could have A LOT of low self-esteem. As far as you asking for information from him, it’s really easy for YOU to guide the path, instead of him always changing the subject and not sharing. Have you ever flat out asked him? I think you have, but I can’t remember. You can say something like, “It’s very obvious to me that when I ask for details about your day, your life and what’s happening for you, you avoid answering and you change the subject. What is this about? I’m curious about what is happening in you when you avoid sharing the details of your life with me.” A part of me suspects he has strong narcissistic tendencies, because this is a common behavior of those tendencies. It’s all about control. They gather a lot of information about others while others have very little information about him. I actually used to do that ALL THE TIME! I was quite the master at it and I even figured out how to share some info about me that was just enough to make people feel safe to share about themselves. It was all about having control for me. My tendencies are definitely towards narcissism and that will always be true, as it’s part of my personality. I manage it differently, now that I have done a ton of healing work. Now, I am much more open to sharing myself with others and soooooo much more comfortable not needing to control how things go. Some of your guy’s tendencies are things you will have to accept about him, because the only way some of those things will change, is if he does some deep dive healing work. So his love of attention, his need to have A LOT of control in his life, his need to keep his life more of secret…these are things you will need to accept about him and not really expect to change. Is this okay with you?

“But I seriously asked him where his heart is and I just need to know. I told him I don’t want to make him feel trapped with me. I want him to be with me because he is happy to be together with me. He said he is being honest about his love to me. And he is in a relationship with me. He said not to worry about the fan stuff. I think it is a deal breaker if he cannot show me that he truly loves me in a very sincere generous giving, without expectation type of love.” It seems that you are still looking to HIM for re-assurance. The reality here is, this is about YOUR insecurity and you are looking to HIM to feel better instead of really looking inside yourself. He can say all these things until he is blue in the face and it won’t change that his words are only good for that moment and DO NOT guarantee anything in the future. Reality is, you guys haven’t met yet. Another member on this forum was “with” a guy online for 4 months. They professed their love for each other, they talked every day in various ways and he finally came to visit. At the end of the visit he told he didn’t have feelings for her. That’s why meeting IN PERSON is crucial BEFORE building your life together. He has NO CLUE who you are in person, so asking for reassurances of his love and his heart, is asking a bit much considering you have never met. You BOTH are still in fantasy land about who each other are. Regardless, this fear you have and insecurity you have comes from your woundedness. You want HIM to grow and face himself. What are YOU doing to grow? I know you are here talking about things, but I’m referring to what you are actually DOING to heal the triggers you have. Are you journaling? When your insecurity about that fan came up, what could you have done differently to help you DIRECTLY deal with that fear, instead of going to him to fix it for you?

“When I got triggered, I made a nick name for my triggered self, for example the name is Susan. I would say Susan showed up. So he can separate the fact that I am still me with that bit of dark assertive side. Then he recently told me that he wants the sweet me whom he falls in love with. I told him no, he can’t have just the sweet me. He needs to love both of us. I explained to him that his wanting to like only the sweet me is like me saying I just want the rich and famous you without your struggles, imperfections allergies etc.” So what do you DO when Susan shows up? This is great by the way! I love that you confronted it head on and set some boundaries and let him know he needs to accept all of you. Good job! He is quite undeveloped emotionally, so you have A LOT of work to do with the guy and it starts with making statements like this one.

“So, my question is do I adapt by understanding that his circle of friends work differently than mine? How should we navigate our differences. He is respectful in however I want to operate with my circle of friends, but I don’t think I can change the way he operates with his friends. Is it healthy to just let each other be? Thoughts?” No, you cannot change the way he operates with his friends. If you want to, then I would question what is happening for you? How they operate works for them. What makes you think that your way of operating with friends is better? They are in agreement with how they want to exchange money and that is really all that matters. For example, there are MANY open relationships out there. Do they work? Yes. Is it possible to have a healthy, open relationship? Yes. Is monogamy better and more healthy? No. It’s just a different way to experience relationship and what makes any relationship healthy or not healthy, is HOW the people interact, NOT what the interaction is. It’s the energy behind the interaction that matters, not the interaction itself. Does this make sense? So as long as the energy with his friends is clear about borrowing money, when it’s returned etc. and the friend is also clear and they are on the same page, then it’s healthy. It becomes unhealthy when those agreements are not met and the communication is poor. Should that happen, then he has deal with it at that point. So let it be. Again, you need to MEET this guy first.

“He is not aggressive.” You don’t know this. Until you have been IN PERSON and see him triggered and in complete anger, you don’t know this about him. It’s anger that triggers abuse and you have never seen him angry. Just keep this in mind. With the kinds of things I suspect are running in his subconscious, he has the potential for abuse if he was pushed far enough into his anger. I suspect, if he was abusive, it also would take awhile before it showed up – maybe a year or 2 down the road.

Hope this helps!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Gina,

Welcome!

I’m wondering, if he is not responsive to meeting you where you are at, what is keeping you connected to this guy? I know you guys may have had fun together, but a guy who is only willing to meet on his terms, is not a guy you want to get involved with and it sounds like you might already know that. So what is keeping you connected to him vs. just moving on?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalia,

I’m soooo sorry for what you are through. It’s so difficult to be loving someone who doesn’t want to take that journey with us. It sounds like the door is closed on his end and sometimes, the acceptance of that is actually what might open it back up again, but sometimes it truly is over.

I’m wondering, do you have any idea what HIS experience of you was? Did you guys talk about how he felt and why he feels you aren’t a good fit? Understanding what caused him to shut down and pull away can be a place to start shifting what didn’t work well in the relationship and possibly open the door back up again.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Allie,

I’m so sorry! It’s so shocking isn’t it? You see all the signs but the words that come out are completely different. I want to support what Kanya said in that how someone feels has many layers to it, many of which they aren’t even aware of. He may be emotionally impotent when it comes to women. He can say and do all the right things, but may not have TRUE access to his feelings. He may be so stressed about work and living at home that he doesn’t have much access to his feelings. He may truly enjoy you, but found that he wasn’t attracted to you in person – which happens a lot through the online platform. Who knows what his reality is. It’s very possible he doesn’t even really know what’s going on for him. I have found that COVID has turned everything upside for a lot of people, especially men. Their jobs and security and their lives are no longer predictable and secure. It’s like that for everyone, however men tend to respond differently. When their jobs and livelihood are threatened, they typically are just not very available for a relationship. They have less access to feelings of love and connection, whereas women tend to have more. Neither are right or wrong…just different.

His reaction is just a mystery and it most likely will stay that way. It may take a while before he is available. I do suggest as Kanya said, to take a step back. You don’t want to be the only one initiating connection. Take some time away and let him miss you reaching out to him. Let him wonder what you are doing. Pull your energy away so he can feel the absence of you. I’m not sure how frequently you are reaching out at this point. Is he responsive when you do reach out?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Miss P,

You can start the conversation with simply saying something like, “I love you. When we are at our best, we are spectacular. We work well together, we flow, we have a deep connection and the love between us makes me feel like I could conquer the world. When we are at our worst, it’s destructive, for both of us. What I do know, is that I want to keep fighting for us. What I also know is that I can’t be the only one fighting. We need to be a team and working TOGETHER through this. So this is me asking you if you want the same thing. Are you willing to fight for yourself which in turn is fighting for US? I’m willing to work on my things too. I know you have depression and that has been a big block between us, but I also have some blocks. I notice I do _________________________ which is not helpful for us. I also notice I respond like _______________________________ which doesn’t help the situation and just makes things worse. I want to be better for you and for myself, so I’m going to work on these areas. Would you be willing to try something different? I know you don’t want to see a therapist, but what if you worked with a Coach? Or what if you worked with a nutrition specialist or herbal specialist or someone who specifically deals with depression, but in natural ways? If you aren’t willing to see a psychiatrist, what ARE you willing to do?”

How does saying something like that feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lea,

It’s great to hear that you are willing to make some shifts in yourself so you can be a better partner. The thing is, he has to be willing as well. If you are the one doing all of the work and he is not, then you don’t have much of a teammate do you? It doesn’t sound like he is in the place of wanting to work on anything, for right now.

If you still want to work on this, then I suggest to truly get an ACTION plan in place to shift what you need to in yourself. It’s one thing to want to change, but it’s an entirely different thing to actually DO something about it and commit to those changes. So HOW do you plan on improving your communication? Do you know why this pattern exists in the first place? I’m also wondering how much your inability to be playful with him is strongly influenced by wounds/traumas etc. from your past or how much of it is truly your personality. I personally have felt very uptight for most of my life. Although I could laugh and play, being “silly” is something I have struggled with for a long time. It’s DEFINITELY tied to my past and NOT my personality. Maybe explore some of that inside yourself.

I also want to ask…do you believe relationships need to be hard? Have you ever experienced an easy relationship? I know A LOT of people say relationships take a lot of “work.” Personally, I don’t want to work that hard. Life is a lot of work already, so I’m interested in only inviting people into my life that make my life easier – for the most part. If a relationship is that much work, maybe it’s best to let it go and allow for something easier to enter into your life. I know you both cared about each other a lot, but that just isn’t enough. The relationship, in and of itself, took a lot of work and sometimes, saying “no” to that much work is a good thing. Just another perspective to consider.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cybil,

Welcome! You are in quite the predicament here and it’s interesting what is happening. If I understand correctly, in the very beginning he was wanting to label the relationship yes? And now he doesn’t?

First, these are important things to notice about someone. For him to want to rush in and be exclusive from day 1, is something I would be cautious about. It takes TIME to get know someone. It takes TIME to see if someone is able to kindly, gently and respectfully hold space for you. In the beginning, all there truly is, is chemistry. That has no substance though. It’s just chemicals. It’s the time and experience with someone that puts the substance into the chemistry to create a more solid foundation.

Second, if you are wanting something more from him than he is willing to give, then you either shift what you need or you have a conversation letting him know how important it is for you, and why. If he is not willing to comply, then you are learning he is not someone who can go long term with you. Why do you need a committed relationship? Why not just keep things slow and just have fun with him and get to know him and see if he is TRULY someone you want to give your heart to? I wonder what HE needs to feel safe to commit to you. Have you ever him that?

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there!

Great to hear from you! I’m glad to hear that you guys are still progressing and staying connected! Let’s get down to business now 🙂

“What are the typical red flags that I should consider toxic in a relationship? Can those be fixed or not?” In regards to money, the red flags are YOUR red flags. Everyone is different, so you are the one that has to determine what those red flags are. I think general red flags are gambling or anything in the extremes. Meaning over giving or being extremely frugal to the point you don’t have any fun with the money you earn. Reality is, we ALL have our own issues with money in various ways. How much those issues impact the relationship is how you determine what the red flags are. The questions I ask about money, for me, are more around their perspective with it and seeing how much they understand about it. For me, someone who is TRULY connected to themselves and wanting to know and understand the depths of their patterns, is a non-negotiable for me. So when I see patterns they have about money, I am asking where those patterns originate from, what have they done to work with those patterns, how do they feel about those patterns, have the patterns shifted over time etc. If they are actually able to answer those questions with depth and clarity, I know they are the kind of person who can actually shift the patterns. If they cannot answer those questions, then I know they are someone who is not really interested in growth and expansion (in a way that aligns with how I live my life) and the patterns they have will most likely stay put, unless something drastic happens. So you want to formulate questions around what YOU need from your partner. This is why the non-negotiable list is important to get VERY CLEAR on, because now that you are falling “in love” with him, your non-negotiable list is crucial. So talk to me about what is non-negotiable for you when it comes to money and I can help you formulate questions about money with him. What are you concerns? What are the patterns you notice about his spending and how he talks about money?

He said that I love you very much and you are mine forever. So I joked by saying “even when I snore, clumsy, no make up and messed up on dinner?” He didn’t reply right away, then I proceeded by saying “I want to make sure that you truly love and not just the perfect image of me.” He then replied “yes, even though we haven’t met yet but I love every part of you (something like that).” 2 red flag here! This is where you need to start paying attention to HOW he says things. It gives you a window to his subconscious and the CORE beliefs and patterns that live in him.

1.For him to say “you are mine forever” is an ownership statement. Deep in his subconscious, he most likely has a belief that women and love is about ownership in some sort of way. This is DEFINITELY a limiting and unhealthy belief. I would be VERY careful, because this can play out in a very hurtful way. For example, him sending you money, him giving you gifts etc. could have an undertone of him expecting that you are “his” and if you ever are not grateful enough or don’t do what he wants or needs, there could be some resentment or entitlement that pops up in his anger or his feelings. His “mine forever” statement has the same flavor of his statement about you always needing to look good. Neither statement is about love at all! It’s about ownership, him being dominant, him being in control and him making sure he looks good (status) with you always looking good on his arm where you guys go. So…he is someone who will get really upset if you gain weight and will absolutely struggle trying to love you for exactly who you are. You responding with being “clumsy, no make up and messed up on dinner” are things that would be acceptable to him, because you aren’t in public. He would be someone who would struggle with your imperfections that occur while in front of other people. I’m not saying he is aware of any of this about himself. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Who knows. I personally would instantly put a stop to those statements and explore with him where those statements are coming from and see how aware he is about what he is actually saying. The less aware he is about himself, the stronger the hold his beliefs and patterns have a hold on him. My guess is, you are getting hooked up with a guy who has a very high need for control in his life – we all do – and has very high expectations for those he connects deeply with – in a way that is actually damaging and hurtful. I’m talking about the dark shadow side of him, not the side you have seen of him. Just FYI – someone who says “you are mine forever” also is someone who is potentially abusive. I know the thought of this would be so far out of your mindset, considering how you feel about him. This is why slowing down is crucial. There is sooooooo much you don’t know about him. A statement like that would cause me to instantly start backing up and being VERY cautious with how I moved forward, if at all. It’s a very dangerous statement and he paired it with “love” which would tell me his definition of love is somehow tied to “ownership.” And the fact that he would not be conscious of it, which I doubt he is, makes him even that much more dangerous to hand my heart over to. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I also know you don’t want to get wrapped up with a guy who is not able to love you in the way you deserve. So I’m pointing out things that could potentially be deal breakers for you.

2. Again, for him to say he “loves every part of you” is him living in fantasy land. He doesn’t know he loves every part of you. He knows he loves every part of you in his FANTASY that he is believing is reality. DANGEROUS! He is not staying grounded in the reality that you guys have never met. It is always VERY dangerous when someone makes their fantasy a reality. There is NO WAY you will every be able to match up to his fantasy of you. He is getting swept away in his “idea” of who you are, therefore really setting himself up for being disappointed when you guys actually meet and decide to build a life together.

“how to diffuse my entitlement feeling like he should do this and do that for me, which I can see could be a pressure and not fun for the guy. Same goes with me I guess. I want to stay independent and not having too many expectations because I can see that he is the type who likes to do nice things when he can.” It’s important to know that just because someone does a lot of nice things for people, does not mean it’s a healthy thing. I have known PLENTY of narcissists who have done a lot of nice things for people, but then eventually “call in” a favor and expect those people to serve them. I’m just mentioning this because again, you want to look at the energy BEHIND the giving. Does he overgive? Is there anything attached to when he gives something? Does giving define him and help him feel good about himself, when in reality it’s his way of running away from how bad he feels about himself? Just some things to think about. As far as you – it’s just important to keep yourself in check and make sure you are meeting your own needs – without him. And when he does give, appreciate him! When and if you start to feel that “expecting” energy arise, it’s a signal to you that something is out of balance in you. Explore it. Get to know that feeling. Ask yourself questions about that feeling and let it take you on a journey. ALL of our feelings have some great stories to tell us! Don’t run from it…feel it and get to know it. Make sense?

“I really don’t want to experience disappointments like with my ex. Is it bad to expect what has been promised to me? What if he sometimes doesn’t pull through due to uncontrollable circumstances? Any suggestions on this? Is it bad to still love someone who you enjoy to be with but sometimes might not deliver results as you anticipate. This is a general question in my mind, not necessarily applicable to this new guy.” This is inevitable. He WILL disappoint you, just like your ex. He will not deliver on his word 100% of the time. This fear you have is normal AND also something to explore. This fear is letting you know where some of your own beliefs about love are tainted by pain and woundedness. There is just more healing work to do. You are still holding onto experiences from your past – which we all do of course. It’s a matter of recognizing that the fear is here to help you expand and release those old hurts if you want to. Again, sit down with it, have a conversation, get to know it. What does it have to say to you? Let it take you on a journey. Pull out your journal and just start writing and keep asking your fear a TON of questions.

Hopefully all of this is helpful!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alexey,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and questions. They are great questions and quite complicated and dynamic as well.

First, he is NOT straight if he is flirting and attracted to you, being a trans female. For you, I imagine it’s easier by now to be who you are. For him, having a girlfriend and being a pro athlete and identifying as being straight his whole life, getting “involved” with you on any level would completely destroy his entire life and identity he has created. Not that doing something like that is a bad thing, but someone has to truly be ready to face that kind of destruction and be ready to rebuild more authentically. There is NOTHING easy about that process. He would need to be ready to face the potential loss of everyone and everything in his life – as I’m sure you did as well to become comfortable with finally being who you really are.

“How do I show him he would be better off with me than her?” Let’s look at the truth here for a minute. I know you have chemistry with this guy. AND you have had a fantasy and life goal to be in a relationship with a pro athlete in this sport. The truth however is that you hardly know this guy. You DO NOT KNOW that he would be better with you. You have no idea whether or not he would be able to offer you anything that you need in a relationship, in a healthy way. What if this guy is abusive when he gets angry? What if he is the type to completely run away from his problems and rejects you over and over and over again? What if he is someone who is extremely critical and verbally abuses you? What if he is a guy who cheats? Your fantasy of being with a pro athlete in this sport, might be so strong that you end up ignoring the most important aspects about what you are trying to do here. You are ignoring that he is NOT openly anything other than straight, which means dating you would completely destroy his world as he knows it. You are ignoring that he is already in a relationship with someone and already taken and emotionally NOT AVAILABLE. You are ignoring that even if he did break up with her and start dating you, you would be a rebound. He has been with his girlfriend for 3 years now and leaving that relationship would hurt and he would need to deal with the loss of her and the life they have created together. He will be no good for a relationship with anyone until he deals with the loss of his current relationship.

What I mostly want to encourage you to do, is to slow down. I understand your fantasy is strong, however you are not going about it in a way that is respectful and loving towards yourself or to him. How would you feel if another person was sending newds and flirting and trying everything they could to steal someone you loved away from you? And what about you? Would you say that it is a caring and loving thing to yourself to go after a guy who is identifying as straight and NOT available to offer you what you want? You deserve so much more than that! You deserve to be with someone who has NOTHING stopping them from wanting to be with you. You deserve to be valued, loved and cared about FREELY with nothing standing in the way. Do you know this?

And lastly, I know this is not at all what you wanted to hear. I know you wanted to figure out how to get what you want. I hope all of this was okay to say. I guess I am wanting to inspire you to fight for more for yourself because you deserve it! With that being said, if you still want to go down this path, let’s keep talking about this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Katy!

Great thoughts! Let’s keep exploring!

“However, another part of me tells me to “stop overreacting and overthinking when I can just simply contact him and see where it goes.” Let’s just act logically here. The truth is, your brain (the logic) and your heart (wanting to re-connect and see where it goes) are having quite the battle. This is pretty normal. If you remember what I said earlier, our feelings are NOT facts. Most times, people are actually choosing their relationships from a place of woundedness. They let their feelings of love and connection lead them into relationship, only to end up inviting a lot of chaos and hardship and hurt into their lives. This is part of the reason why our divorce rate is as high as 50%. Just because you feel love, just because you feel connection, just because you feel chemistry, THAT DOES NOT MEAN you should follow that and let that lead you into situations. I say this because what we FEEL is full of all kinds of gunk. I have experienced more times than I can count, intense and connective feelings for a man that I KNEW was unhealthy for me. The feelings I was having was actually my subconscious woundedness wanting to pull me back into patterns that I was currently trying to shift. When deciding who to invite into your VERY sacred and valuable heart space, your heart AND your brain need to be involved and they need to be ALIGNED. Whenever there is a battle and a difference between the heart and mind, like you are experiencing, the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do, is slow down and really listen to what both sides are saying.

Logically, would you say that it is a loving thing you would be doing for YOURSELF to invite a man back into your life that runs away when something gets difficult? Would you say it is loving to YOURSELF to get back into relationship with a man who has ghosted you and does not have the ability to truly value and care for your heart? In your brain, the answer would be no.

Then the heart comes in and starts to influence the brain. Because you were rejected and hurt, our natural way of resolving the hurt is to get them back so we are out of pain and we don’t actually have to face the TRUE lessons. What he is showing you Katy, is how you are not valuing yourself or respecting yourself. That the TRUE lesson he is showing you. He rejected you and ghosted you, because you reject you and ghost you all the time. You said it was a pattern in your life and you function in a relationship. This is where the “I won’t be too much of a bother” belief lives. He is exposing your low self-esteem and the parts of you that are still carrying wounds from your past that haven’t healed all the way.

So you have a choice. You can decide that you want to value your heart, protect it and source it with nourishment and create VERY HIGH standards as to how it is to be cared for and treated. This path means that you close the door completely to this current guy and face the fears, the loneliness, the low self-esteem and really use this experience as an opportunity to shift how you live in every area of your life.

Your other choice is to keep the door open, reach out and have another experience with him. This can be a good path as well! I’ve done that more times than I can count, where I stepped into a situation, KNOWING I was going to get hurt again, KNOWING the guy was not at all able to offer me what I was truly wanting and needing and every single time it ended in ways that were again hurtful and hard. Sometimes, we need to hurt again and again and again to truly get the lesson and to truly choose connection and love for ourselves over and unhealthy connection and love with another.

This is an extremely hard choice Katy. I get it. I want to encourage you to make a choice though. You are hanging out in the middle zone where you keep going back and forth and back and forth. How about deciding which path you want to take and go for it! If you want to get him back, then put all of your attention and efforts in that direction. If you want to take the healing path, then close the door completely on him and let all the feelings and emotions come up and then work through them. They are both hard paths for sure. But when you sit in the middle vacillating between 2 choices, you get nowhere. When you commit to a direction and focus your energies on that path, you get all kinds of new information. You can always change your mind down the road, but either way, in order to create some movement forward, you need to decide what you really want to do. Remember, you are not stuck in whatever you choose! You can always change your mind down the road.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Katy!

I’m so glad you are feeling the peace inside about all of this. I’m really glad to hear that your confidence and self love is slowly building.

Would you consider NOT taking him back? Would you be willing to say, “this guy ghosted me. He did not honor or respect me with his honesty. He ran and just bailed. He does NOT get to come back into my life.” The truth is Katy, he is still the same person. Even if he did come back and you guys got back together, he WILL abandon you. Maybe he won’t ghost you and completely disappear, but abandonment can look many different ways in a relationship. His coping mechanism is to disconnect. That is how he deals with his life. The ONLY way for that to change is if he did some deep inner work. So knowing that even if he did want you back, would you be willing to go through this again?

I also just wanted to highlight something. You said: “I guess a part of me is glad that I won’t be too much of a bother if I contact him later on to just simply catch up, knowing that he contacted me first. ” That’s a window into your deep subconscious. It’s a statement of how you feel about yourself. I’m only pointing this out to help bring awareness. Us humans live from what we are connected to consciously, which is only about 20% of the information that is truly there. This means that 80% of our subconscious influences how we feel the decisions we make – meaning, most of what we do, we THINK we are aware of the reasons why, but not really. I specialize in the language of the subconscious. THere are all kinds of signs and symptoms of what’s happening beneath the surface, we just have to pay attention. So your statement about “being a bother” is a sign from the subconscious about how you REALLY feel about yourself in relationship to him. So it’s important to try and catch these moments so you can begin to shift it! Just something to think about.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay Vino. I’m happy to keep traveling down this road with you. I love that you want to know and understand how I am receiving what you are saying. Granted, this platform can really create a lot of misunderstandings, so I’m sure that is at play right now.

Here are several of many statements you have made about women, just on this page alone. Here is the thing Vino. I know you believe that it is a very logical approach to how you feel about women. What I have noticed over all of this time, is women are a target for you. Men and women don’t get an equal chance with you. You are NOT neutral about women. You favor men because you feel more safe with them. There is a PART of you that fundamentally does not feel safe with women. Even since you were a child, you wanted to be with the boys instead. There is a reason for that. If you were to objectively read all of these statements, you would see that there is a very strong undercurrent of anger and a lack of trust running at your core around women. I know you FEEL neutral and open to women. I know you have female friends as well. It does not change the energy and beliefs that you carry about women at your core. You DO have a part of you that wants to connect with women, the very best way that you can. So you have split energy. A part of you wants to be friends with them and another part of you carries quite a bit of contempt. The part of you that carries the anger towards women, is that part that I am referring to. I DO NOT mean to insinuate that it’s all of who you are, because I also very clearly see the other part of you that feels open to connecting with women.

“What kind of a relationship DO i want with women?” And my answer was very clear – I don’t.

“I honestly don’t feel the need to bond with a woman on an emotional level. I don’t even know what that looks like. Is it being able to share secrets with each other? vulnerability maybe? no… it feels too dangerous to be vulnerable with a woman. In all my honesty and openness in my communications with you, i have still maintained control. I don’t know if i can go to a place where i have no control, with a woman. It’s just SO MUCH less scarier with a man!”

“I don’t have an emotional attachment to women. I am able to form emotional attachments to men.”

“So – i’m an not rejecting women or feminine energies. I am rejecting toxic feminine energies and women who are full of them.” True…as you should. But you seem to have an aversion to toxic women MORE than men. You don’t treat, view or experience men and women equally. Meaning, we are all just people. We ALL, male or female, should be loved and accepted and rejected according to who we are and the kind of experience we offer to you. The truth is, you have HUGE walls up simply because I am a woman and you would be more accepting of me if I were a man – even before knowing me. It’s a form of prejudice – you behave towards women with the same energy as someone who is judging a person by the color of their skin or the shape of their eyes. This is not a bad or wrong thing Vino. You have a lot of woundedness around women. It’s just something to notice and work on whenever you feel inspired.

“I do approach women with less trust and more caution. But i haven’t cut them out of my life completely. I do enjoy my female friendships. I just haven’t been AS satisfied with them. They don’t ‘hit the spot’. And that is just a neutral observation, not a negative one against women. It’s like saying i like oranges more than apples”

“Every single situation in my past, when i made friends with a girl or a woman, it was simply because it was inappropriate for me to make friends with a boy or a man at the time. I’ve never sought out a relationship with a woman because i wanted to. It was simply because i had no choice. Given the choice, i would’ve chosen the boys and the men – every – single – time!”

“there are very few role models for healthy femininity!” There are a TON of role models of healthy femininity all around you. You just don’t have the eyes to see them, due to the woundedness you carry. You view women through your wounded lens, so that is all you are going to see.

“Bottom line is – I can’t think of a single good reason to be friends with a woman, if i could be friends with a man instead. So, basically, i don’t care for ‘completely different experiences with women’. i see no value in it. none at all. absolutely nothing.”

You know you are healed and TRULY neutral when you have NO defenses against women. Meaning, you feel safe, open and willing to connect with a woman, DEEPLY…if she is able to offer a healthy experience for you. She WILL hurt you, she WILL disappoint you, she WILL reject you – at times, because that comes with the territory of ANY relationship – with a man or a woman. You know you are truly neutral when you equally feel the value of deep, connected relationships with men AND women.

Hope this helps and looking forward to continuing this very dynamic topic.

Heidi

[Author]

Posts