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Hi Anna,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused. He IS sending mixed signals and your red flags sound appropriate. I am wondering if he started dating someone else. Maybe an ex came back into his life when he went back home.
Have you ever tried to directly ask him? Something like “I can’t help but notice that you are not interested in me visiting you, we talk quite a bit less than we used to and it just feels like you are far less engaged than before. I have to be honest and let you know that I’m starting to question our connection. It feels like we have different mindsets now that you have moved back. Can we please talk about this? It would be helpful to gain some understanding other than constantly hearing the “I’m busy” excuse. It feels like something else might be going on and I thought that maybe if we just are completely honest with each other, we can get onto the same page somehow.”
It seems you have indirectly asked him, but not directly and it really may be time for that. You have to be willing to hear him and listen to whatever it is that he has to say though. It’s risky because you may hear something you don’t want to hear. If he avoids it and doesn’t really answer, that’s information you need to know about him then and you have some decisions to make.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Everyone is really struggling right now about the travel thing. There is a “trapped” feeling starting to emerge, especially because of the holidays. Even traveling within the U.S. is not so easy, so people are starting to get stir crazy and more irritable than normal. The holidays will be really interesting this year. I know that all the different types of trailers people can pull behind their cars or even RVs are all being rented out. People are going on road trips now! The travel industry has definitely changed!
That’s interesting that you felt it from the beginning about that relationship. You said he and his mom was manipulating you. How? What were they manipulating?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing more details and more of your feelings. I’m getting a clearer picture and help me better offer ideas for you.
I don’t get how if he likes me he wouldn’t just want to date again. It’s important to understand that men are VERY different than women when it comes to love. For most men, career and their job is THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of their lives. For women, relationships are the most important. Women are the caretakers of love and relationships (generally speaking). I have found over and over and over again, that is a man’s life is not squared away with his job, his ability to produce and feeling settled and confident in his life, he is NO GOOD in a relationship – especially when just meeting someone. It’s just too much for them. They are the “providers” so to speak and when their life is not in good order, deep down, they tend to feel they are not of value to a woman. Most of the time, they are not even consciously aware of those feelings. All they know is they just can’t do the dating or relationship thing, no matter how great the woman is. In fact, the better the woman, the faster they will pull away. None of this makes sense to most women, because we just run our lives very differently. Although you may not understand, what is MOST important is to respect HIS process, do what you can to understand it more from HIS perspective and support him – if you want to keep him in your life. That’s what being a good friend looks like and that is FOUNDATIONAL to any successful romantic relationship.
but I am desperate to just find love and be happy with someone. I’m wondering why you are desperate. What’s happening for you?? This energy, in and of itself, can drive a man away faster than the speed of light. You may think you are not putting off that energy, but most men can sniff out that energy in a hot second no matter how much a woman is trying to mask it. This is NOT a healthy energy to go into a relationship with. Essentially, any time we are desperate for anything, it’s telling us we feel empty somehow inside and we are trying to fill up that hole with something on the outside of us instead of facing that emptiness head on and healing what is causing it. The type of men we attract is reflective of the energy we carry inside of us. The one common denominator between all these guys you are attracting that are not so great, is you. You are the one choosing them and inviting them into your life on deeper levels. I work with a lot of people on improving their “picker” because it is a common challenge people face. We work on clearing past hurts and wounds and then who they attract into their lives, completely changes. It sounds like it may be a good time to work on some deeper stuff and do another level of clearing out the baggage you are carrying. A good entry point is really diving deep into this very high need to fall in love.
I guess I was hoping there would be some sort of magic phrase or something you’d suggest to get him back because waiting for him to change his mind is really hard! If you want a healthy, respectful and loving relationship, patience is part of it. There will be a million times throughout a relationship where you will just have to wait for your partner. The lack of patience is again something that is within you. Learning to feel good, grounded, balanced and centered in your life, despite what your partner is going through, is SO CRUCIAL to a healthy relationship. He is willing to offer you a friendship at this point, so you can either view that as not enough or you can view it as a great gift. It’s your choice.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Miss D,
I understand. You felt like there was something there and I do not discount that all. The thing is, I find most people really get wrapped up in the “connection” feeling and the pleasure of it all that they end up discounting all the other things that may be telling them to run the other way. That feeling of “connection” is soooooo darn strong when it shows up. I don’t blame you at all for wanting him back!
I don’t know what happened to you, but since you fall easily and get hurt easily, this may be something you want to explore further. These kinds of patterns have a TON of information for you to work with inside yourself. Forgiveness and healing and releasing your past is soooooo important if you want to have a healthy, long lasting, loving relationship. have you ever explored these patterns further for yourself?
I suggest to stay friends with him. It’s your best chance at getting your foot back in the door. It also means really respecting him and supporting him by giving him the space he is asking for right now. Anything can happen, so developing your friendship is a REALLY great way of building a good solid foundation with him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Monique!
Welcome! You are asking a great question.
I’m glad he responded! You definitely want it to be something you genuinely want help with. Is there any advice you can ask him for? Does he have any hobbies you want to learn more about? Is there anything he might be able to help you fix?
So I’m not super clear about what the status is with you guys. Are you guys talking frequently now? Is he reaching out at all or are you the only one initiating? Has there been any direct conversation about your relationship and where it’s going?
The most important aspect to you keeping a man interested, is to feel and be interesting yourself. Meaning, if you are someone you would date, then you have it nailed. The fact that you are concerned and wondering how to keep him interested, tells me that you don’t fully and completely KNOW that you are just that. Someone who KNOWS they are interesting would not be concerned trying to keep the attention of a man. Someone who KNOWS they are worth fighting for, does not bother with someone who doesn’t view them that way. If he doesn’t remain interested or engaged with you, it’s most likely more because of his fears, his sabotage and his concerns than it would be about you. Basically, is living with the energy of knowing that you are a catch. Whether or not he believes that, doesn’t matter. Whether or not he chooses you, it doesn’t change your value. When you carry and live your life with that kind of energy, people in general will be highly attracted to you because people LOVE to be around someone who loves themselves and has confidence and a high amount of self respect.
Thoughts?
heidi
I get it! The pressure is off now and you guys get to be more natural and relaxed. You did a good job explaining. Now you guys can just be yourselves and be friendly – with no strings attached. At the very least, you got a wonderful new floor out of it!!! lol
I can’t imagine you with a guy who doesn’t like to travel! You are quite an expansive, adventurous, intelligent person….travel is part of keeping you entertained and exposed to the wonderful varieties and spice of life. There are things that travel can offer that nothing else can. How come you stayed with him for 4 years? I imagine you knew it was going to end long before that.
Heidi
“Just wishing good day or evening asking how we are and kiss almost once a day.” What does it mean when you say you kiss almost once a day? I know you don’t mean it literally, but I am curious what it does mean.
You are right…whether he was conscious of it or not, doesn’t mean it didn’t affect the relationship. We have somewhere around 30 billion bits of information our subconscious is processing PER SECOND! Isn’t that crazy??? So….much of who we are, what we do, how we receive things – are being influenced by what we carry in the subconscious. That’s why I am sooooo fascinated by the subconscious and have focused much of my training on interpreting all the signals that come from that place – there really is a language of the subconscious that gets expressed through our thoughts, behaviors, patterns etc. and if you can understand those….you know what you are TRULY dealing with vs. being led by the conscious – which is able to grasp 1/10th of the information coming in.
So he doesn’t speak English? Tell me what that means to you. And tell me what it means to you that he hasn’t traveled much.
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! I’m really sorry to hear this! It’s so disappointing and really hard to let go of someone you feel safe with. It’s a rare thing for some people, which it sounds like you might be one of them.
Let’s dig into this a little deeper. I understand you guys got along really well. Did you have sex? Was he initiating equally, if not more than you? Do you really accept that this was the truth for him or do you feel it’s just an excuse? I imagine he did it over text, yes? How often did you guys hang out? How did you meet?
I also want to bring in a little reality here as well. You are saying you want him “back.” Reality is, it doesn’t sound like you ever had him to begin with. Yes, you got along well, but if he admitted to reaching out because he was lonely and if he is in an unstable situation with work and money etc., a good time is all he was truly able to offer and not much more. As good as he may have felt for you, my guess is, the longer you hung out, you would have discovered he wasn’t someone who could be emotionally available for you on all levels. This is what you want, yes? I know you felt like you could trust him, but you wouldn’t really know that about him, as there wasn’t enough time to see him in all kinds of situations to know if that was actually true.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I looked up that journal! I really like it! Thank you for sharing!
Like Kanya said, it’s very normal to want to reach out. Breakups hit someone on every single level of their physical, spiritual and emotional aspects. You are losing the dreams you created around him. You are having to create a whole new day without him in it. It’s hard!!! It sounds like you have it handled though and are taking steps in a healthy direction. Journaling will shed a whole new light on you and your situation and will provide a great way for the energy to move THROUGH you vs. staying stuck. Well done!
Here are a few other techniques that can help:
1. Watch some movies where there is a breakup or loss and then a recovery (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun). It’s a great way to watch someone recover and can help you believe you can do it as well.
2. There is a technique I call “finish the story.” Anytime you start to reminisce, tell the FULL story, not just the best parts. For example, “I miss being able to connect with him and tell him about my day AND he does not see me in the way that I deserve and I will accept nothing less than being fought for and valued – or – AND it’s over.” Reminding yourself of the WHOLE story is so important as far as re-programming your mindset.Just some other ideas you can add to your toolbox.
Heidi
Great answer! I was pushing you a little to see where you REALLY were at with him.
I remember now that YOU were saying you weren’t showing much feeling towards him and that he didn’t say that – and that maybe it was part of the reason for things ending.
You sound and feel REALLY clear – at least in this moment. You have been very wise in how you are approaching all of this and giving your feelings some space to breathe – and not rushing anything. I feel the trust you have in yourself and the situation. You really have grown soooo much. I know we have said that a million times to you, but it’s soooo exciting for Kanya and I to see this path you have taken. Not many stay connected to us as long as you have, so most of the time, we don’t get to witness changes and growth that happen over a period of time. I really want to appreciate you for keeping us involved in your life and in the loop of your romance adventures. It’s truly and honor and such a gift for us to get to witness your life!
Heidi
He asked me if I could reschedule or push back the time to meet my sister. I know he was just asking and not demanding.
Keep paying attention to his reactions like this. It is coming from his subconscious. I know he didn’t get mad or was demanding, but the fact that he asked in the first place, is very telling. I’m wondering if this has to do with his view of women and the role they should be playing for him. He is antiquated and very limited on his belief about what a woman should be for their man – meaning, they should always put their man first. It may be poor impulse control – wanting what he wants NOW. That kind of energy is very wounded, childish (about age 2) type of energy. It may be other things. Just keep paying attention and noticing so that you are AWAKE AND AWARE of who you are choosing to invite into your life.
I need to heal and stop this need for validation by growing love within myself and shine that way.
Nothing could be more true! I’m glad you are really seeing this and wanting this for yourself!!! How do you plan on doing this? It’s one thing to talk about it, but another thing to take specific steps. Thoughts on this?
He said I don’t expect much, just trust, understanding and love.
Typical guy answer. LOL He expects waaaaaaay more than that, he just hasn’t thought about it much. He is working conceptually, instead of really questioning and getting to know himself on a deeper level. I have taken many men through my conscious dating program and how to pick a long term partner and most of them have started off with those answers, only to discover those conceptual answers is what got them in trouble in the first place when picking their past relationships. It’s always really eye-opening for them.
My new mantra: 0 doubt, commit.
Careful with this one. It’s not really realistic to NOT have doubt. Doubt, in its truest and more authentic form, is wise. We are not meant to take things at face value all of the time. Doubt is what will slow you down and make you question, use caution and gather more information. Yes, it can also get in the way too. Every situation is different. So if doubt is showing up, you don’t want to just shove it away. You want to access it, tap into the fear, tap into any unhealthy energy about it and get to know yourself WITH your doubt. THEN, when you have worked with it a bit, you will be more clear about whether or not it’s a good thing for you to commit. Make sense?
“It’s not about looping you in. Babe, you are a woman, and you are soft, I am a man I can handle stuff, I just want to over bother you. I just want my baby happy and good.” “although I don’t like to be called soft unless if he meant soft skin lol… but I want him to take care of me and handle stuff that he thinks the best way for us. I respect his decisions. I want to ask you about how to make sure that he doesn’t see me as a soft woman who can’t handle stuff.
Yikes! This is quite the telling statement. This is where his view of women and female energy is very old. I wonder who taught him this or where this is coming from. Maybe his father role modeled this for him. Maybe something you want to explore further? Because this is a HUGE RED FLAG here. He is viewing female energy as fragile. He is viewing female energy as not able to be trusted with the “man stuff.” He is viewing female energy as something he doesn’t respect or truly honor. It’s a viewpoint that isn’t that far off from the 40s and 50s where women stayed at home and took care of the family and him and that was her job and the man was the provider. I also know that he has called you wise and intelligent etc. He is split. He has both viewpoints and whoever is in the driver’s seat at any given moment, is who will be making the decisions in your relationship. This is a VERY DEEP, CORE program that is running in his system. Getting him to view you differently won’t work. This is something he needs to explore himself. He would need to connect to the core of where this program about women is coming from and then shift it from there. I’m not sure how willing he is to do something like that.
I’m curious. Has he ever been to a therapist? Would he ever be willing to go? Or work with a coach? I ask this, because with his old and antiquated views of the roles of men and women in society, he might not be open or willing to ask for help in his growth. This is something VERY important to know about someone, because you will be facing some very challenging sticky points with this guy. If he isn’t willing to get a 3rd party perspective sometimes and ask for help, there really is nowhere to go except down the tubes. I hate to say this – but if someone isn’t willing to look at all aspects of themselves, the love they offer will ALWAYS be limited and whatever issues you see now, will only continue to grow and get bigger and more evident as they age. So his view of women will just get worse. There is a whole science behind this and why this happens, that I won’t get into. I’m just giving you the highlights.
The truth is Heidi, this time I feel willing to let go of control and letting this man take care of me.
Careful here! Letting go of control DOES NOT mean that you allow someone else to take care of you at the same time. That is giving away your power. Letting go of control means that you are able to be more accepting and present with whatever is showing up in your life instead of directing it all of the time. It IS NOT becoming an inactive bystander. It is NOT his job to take care of you. You need to be fully involved and participating in EVERY aspect of your life. Let’s keep talking about this. What does this mean to you? What do you imagine he is taking care of for you?
I can see the potential of him getting mad if I pushed his buttons: distrusting and disrespectful tones. But I think most people have their limit and can get mad, right? It’s part of being human.
Yes, we all have our limits. Distrusting and disrespectful tones are normal for the most part. It’s more about watching what he does with those. Again, you are literally getting such a small picture of him, so you TRULY DO NOT know what he is like when his buttons are REALLY pushed, until you experience him IN PERSON when it happens. The part of him that views female energy as soft (which it is – but his view is not respectful – it’s demeaning) will be in the driver’s seat when he is triggered which most likely will cause him to push you away and not involve you or cause him to completely disregard you. Again, a guy with this type of view of women living in his subconscious, has the potential for being physically or verbally abusive when triggered. I know this feels VERY far from the guy you falling for and that’s okay. I’m just planting seeds to keep you connected to the potential that lives in him. You will just never truly know until you start to live in the same area.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? We are here to support you in whatever way we can. We would love to hear from you again.
Heidi
Hi Cybil,
I’m so sorry for all that you went through. That is A LOT to deal with! I’m glad to hear you are connecting more deeply to yourself and your value now, than you ever have before!!!
So let’s talk about this “waiting” period. You are willing to wait, but for how long? You know it’s not 6 years, but I’m also wondering how long you are willing to put your needs on hold. I think it’s great to wait this out and give this more time and space by the way. I just also want you to truly stay connected to your needs and making sure you honor them as they come up. I know it’s impossible to put a time limit on things as far as how long you will wait. I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going through your mind and how you want to continue to approach this.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
This is a great question. Unfortunately, there is no black and white answer as every single person is going to have a different response. What James said is true and it’s not. It all depends on the kind of person you are, who they are and the kind of relationship you have together. For example, I had a boyfriend who really loved bigger butts. We would be walking and I would notice a girl with a butt he would like and point it out and I would “appreciate” beauty WITH him. We would talk about why it was a nice butt and laugh and bond about it. I DID NOT have that kind of butt AND I didn’t feel shame or insecure about it (I have that in other areas of my life), so I was just able to join him vs. ask him NOT to talk about. We also had a great relationship and there was a lot of love and appreciation being exchanged. I always felt his attention was WITH me and not on other women, so our relationship could handle moments like that as it brought us closer by me accepting his fascination with big butts and he got to just be who he really was. If I had an insecure reaction about it, that’s on me, not him.
Any insecurity that shows up, is ALWAYS about you and is not his fault. Your insecurity has to do with all the past hurts and being cheated on and abandoned. The insecurity you are feeling is a reflection of the baggage you are still carrying – the unresolved hurt. That hurt you feel, will not go away by making him not talk about his crushes. Why not deal with the hurt that is coming up? By triggering you with his crushes, he is giving you an opportunity to see where you are still carrying hurt and fear from your past. Don’t you want to realease that stuff so you can move on in your life more freely – without the hurt and fear? It’s awful what you have been through! Now that you are being triggered, it’s a great opportunity to heal and let go of the past so you don’t have to suffer anymore.
Just to give you perspective…I personally am someone who hardly gets jealous or easily insecure (in this area – I have plenty of insecurities though), so if I had a guy who was behaving in this way, I wouldn’t respond with feeling insecure, but I would be aware this is a potential red flag and deal-breaker for me. I would WANT him to talk about it as freely as he wants to, so I could see how much this behavior is really involved in his life. I would want to know every single aspect of it, so I could see what his thoughts are, his habits, his behaviors and determine what his “crushes” were really about and how that would affect the relationship with me.
Your insecurity is YOUR side to deal with, but there still is his side to deal with as well. His “crushes” could mean different things. He may be the kind of guy who can only love so much – meaning he may be that guy who just doesn’t have the ability to FULLY invest everything of who he is in a relationship. Having “crushes” and constantly looking at and liking pictures is a form of fantasy – and fantasy is distracting and will always take energy away from whatever relationship he is in. I would wonder if there is a type of addiction happening for him as well. The question is, are you willing to accept him still? He may not talk about it anymore, but it doesn’t change his behavior. He is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to truly look at this aspect of his life – as there is an unhealthy energy behind it. So you have to decide if you are willing to accept this about him – or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
Wow! Welcome. I’m so sorry to hear this. This is a really big deal and has many, many layers to it.
I have a lot of questions and there are a couple of different approaches to take. The one key ingredient however, is that BOTH of you want the same thing and agree on how to approach it. If that is not in place, you will be like a hamster on a wheel and get nowhere. Are you both on the same page? Does he TRULY want to work on the relationship with you? Is he willing to let the idea of your best friend go and turn his attention towards you? Until he closes the door on her, there is no moving forward.
How do you feel about your marriage? Do you love being married to him? I’m not talking about how you feel about HIM – I’m asking about the lifestyle you have created together – your marriage – the 3rd aspect of you guys (there is you, there is him, there is the life you create together). Do you love the life you have created together? Do you know how he feels about the life you have created together?
Let’s just start there. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Heidi
