Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Maria,
This is a great question. Unfortunately, there is no black and white answer as every single person is going to have a different response. What James said is true and it’s not. It all depends on the kind of person you are, who they are and the kind of relationship you have together. For example, I had a boyfriend who really loved bigger butts. We would be walking and I would notice a girl with a butt he would like and point it out and I would “appreciate” beauty WITH him. We would talk about why it was a nice butt and laugh and bond about it. I DID NOT have that kind of butt AND I didn’t feel shame or insecure about it (I have that in other areas of my life), so I was just able to join him vs. ask him NOT to talk about. We also had a great relationship and there was a lot of love and appreciation being exchanged. I always felt his attention was WITH me and not on other women, so our relationship could handle moments like that as it brought us closer by me accepting his fascination with big butts and he got to just be who he really was. If I had an insecure reaction about it, that’s on me, not him.
Any insecurity that shows up, is ALWAYS about you and is not his fault. Your insecurity has to do with all the past hurts and being cheated on and abandoned. The insecurity you are feeling is a reflection of the baggage you are still carrying – the unresolved hurt. That hurt you feel, will not go away by making him not talk about his crushes. Why not deal with the hurt that is coming up? By triggering you with his crushes, he is giving you an opportunity to see where you are still carrying hurt and fear from your past. Don’t you want to realease that stuff so you can move on in your life more freely – without the hurt and fear? It’s awful what you have been through! Now that you are being triggered, it’s a great opportunity to heal and let go of the past so you don’t have to suffer anymore.
Just to give you perspective…I personally am someone who hardly gets jealous or easily insecure (in this area – I have plenty of insecurities though), so if I had a guy who was behaving in this way, I wouldn’t respond with feeling insecure, but I would be aware this is a potential red flag and deal-breaker for me. I would WANT him to talk about it as freely as he wants to, so I could see how much this behavior is really involved in his life. I would want to know every single aspect of it, so I could see what his thoughts are, his habits, his behaviors and determine what his “crushes” were really about and how that would affect the relationship with me.
Your insecurity is YOUR side to deal with, but there still is his side to deal with as well. His “crushes” could mean different things. He may be the kind of guy who can only love so much – meaning he may be that guy who just doesn’t have the ability to FULLY invest everything of who he is in a relationship. Having “crushes” and constantly looking at and liking pictures is a form of fantasy – and fantasy is distracting and will always take energy away from whatever relationship he is in. I would wonder if there is a type of addiction happening for him as well. The question is, are you willing to accept him still? He may not talk about it anymore, but it doesn’t change his behavior. He is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to truly look at this aspect of his life – as there is an unhealthy energy behind it. So you have to decide if you are willing to accept this about him – or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
Wow! Welcome. I’m so sorry to hear this. This is a really big deal and has many, many layers to it.
I have a lot of questions and there are a couple of different approaches to take. The one key ingredient however, is that BOTH of you want the same thing and agree on how to approach it. If that is not in place, you will be like a hamster on a wheel and get nowhere. Are you both on the same page? Does he TRULY want to work on the relationship with you? Is he willing to let the idea of your best friend go and turn his attention towards you? Until he closes the door on her, there is no moving forward.
How do you feel about your marriage? Do you love being married to him? I’m not talking about how you feel about HIM – I’m asking about the lifestyle you have created together – your marriage – the 3rd aspect of you guys (there is you, there is him, there is the life you create together). Do you love the life you have created together? Do you know how he feels about the life you have created together?
Let’s just start there. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Heidi
Hi Lea,
It sounds like you are really ready to become more of who you are.
I love the blasting music and dancing idea! That’s so great! Make sure that when you dance, you just let your body do whatever it wants to do. Forget about dancing “cool” or looking good. The more silly and uncoordinated your dancing is, the better. I would also suggest singing. Sing to songs you love, out loud and try not to sound good. Just sing and let your voice be whatever it is. There’s a really fun scene in the movie “The Holiday” where Cameron Diaz blasts music, sings and dances and she just lets loose! And doesn’t sound good, doesn’t really dance well, but she is having some fun! Let us know how it goes!
It might be a good idea to get journal. There are wounds from your past that you are carrying, which is why you react the way you do. It’s our baggage – unresolved hurts – that cause all of us to react to certain words, phrases, behaviors etc. Just “thinking” about it, doesn’t necessarily change that it’s there. Most of the time, to create a permanent change, it’s important to step into those feelings and get to know them on a deeper level. Allow the memories to come up where you were first hurt. Journaling is one way to go deeper than just thinking consciously about it. Journaling can help access the subconscious, which is where the emotions around your “baggage” lives. There are A TON of things you can do, so if you want more ideas, let us know!
It’s been a few days now. How are you feeling and processing the breakup?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! You get to deliver babies for work! That’s intense and such a sacred calling. That’s a very hard job!
As far as your guy, I would suggest to forget about time. The more you are attached to counting the days, the worse it is. When you can just let go – COMPLETELY let go – you will be able to find true peace and acceptance of what is. It’s THAT kind of energy and mindset that has the power to shift the situation. To answer your question though, you are correct in that there is no one answer. Every single person is different. He may never reach out, he may reach out in 3 weeks. People have a higher tolerance in the beginning, so if they end up reaching out, it’s usually when their tolerance starts to fade and that can take a bit of time.
I know you want the friendship back. But in reality, something was off. I know you guys bonded and you really fell for him, but he didn’t fall for you, for whatever reason. That’s why connecting and falling in love over a computer is sooooo dangerous. It doesn’t replace or is equal to being in person. So the relationship you had with him over the computer had a TON of fantasy in it. You end up feeling so close to someone for those few hours during the day, but it’s such a small container and viewpoint compared to who they really are. So let that version of your relationship go. You don’t want to live in a fantasy, do you? I know it felt amazing, but it wasn’t 100% real. It’s kind of like reading a novel. Your mind will create the pictures, the characters and the story – then most of the time, when you go see the movie, it’s not near as good as the book, partly because NOTHING can compare to what you created in your mind. Your mind is sooooooo darn powerful! Does this make sense?
Heidi
Of course you are still thinking about him! Why wouldn’t you? I’m just glad those thoughts are not leading you down the path of being pushy or wanting to force something to happen.
It’s been 10 days and you have a super busy month. I would suggest to just send another thank you message and let him know you are super busy this month and plan on working more this weekend so you can return his tool soon and take him to dinner. Just a thought. If I remember correctly, he seemed to think you didn’t “feel” very much towards him…or something to that effect.
Heidi
Hi Kim,
Wow! I’m really sorry to hear this! I imagine he most likely will head into depression, especially if this is his go-to coping mechanism. Can you be okay NOT rescuing him from that space? I know you want to be supportive, but sometimes, pain is a really great motivator for change.
I would not suggest to have the “talk” with him. Anything you say at this point will go into the pot of depression and struggle. He will not respond well.
However, it does not mean you can’t still set some boundaries. You have a pattern of feeling needy, so hopefully you are still working on that aspect of yourself. I imagine it would get triggered more if he is pulling away. What are you doing to support yourself? AND…it’s also important to listen to and honor your needs. If having sex is too confusing for you right now, then set that boundary. First and foremost, honoring yourself is important, whether or not it makes sense to him or anyone else. It makes sense to you and that’s all that matters. What feels good for you right now?
If he is disconnecting more, let him have his space. Men, many times, need to go into their “cave” when things get stressful. It’s soooooo important for the woman to just let them be there and occassionally bring “food” as a sign of support. The woman who tries to go into the cave and connect with him or try to pull him out of the cave, is a woman who is not respecting and trusting his process. Men will pull away from a woman like that. A great book to understand this is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. Check it out!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story! I first want to commend you on reaching out and asking for a different perspective and asking for help. Well done!
Let’s just address jealousy in general. The feelings of jealousy can ONLY exist in someone if there is insecurity. So this statement you made “To me, if the notion of your SO having a crush on anyone (I don’t care if it’s a celebrity) doesn’t hit even a little bit of a jealous bone in your body, then there’s something wrong” isn’t actually true. If someone is 100% solid in who they are and their value, there would be no jealousy. AGain, jealousy is insecurity.
Now, it’s not to say that what you are sensing about his “crushing” doesn’t have some truth in it and some aspects that may be unhealthy. The fact that it is activating jealousy in you though, is YOUR issue, not his. So asking him not to share his life with you, even his celebrity crushes, is asking him not to be who he is, because you are feeling insecure.
First, I would recommend looking at your reaction of jealousy and irritation as an opportunity for healing. The insecurity comes from somehwere in your past and has some unresolved “gunk” in it. It’s your baggage so to speak. If we want healthy relationships, we HAVE to deal with our own baggage. Is this something you are willing to do?
Second, maybe approach his crushes a little differently? Instead of shutting him off, why not explore it a little more? Ask him questions about it. LEARN about the energy that is driving him and his crushes. The more you learn about it, the deeper understanding you will have about him. You are just seeing his crushes from your perspective and not his, so work on opening yourself up to HIS perspective and experience of crushes and you might find that it’s just a fun thing for him. You also might find his crushes are part of his baggage and have a really unhealthy aspect to it. Who knows! But isn’t it worth finding out? You can ask questions like “How come you had a crush on her? What is it about her that made you crush on her? How old were you? How long was your crush on her? What are your crushes like? Do you fantasize about them a lot and watch a lot of movies with them in it or you just crush on her when you see pics or something?” These are just some starter questions.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexandra,
Well done! I know it’s hard to let go and keep living your life without him in it. It may take a bit for him to finally reach out, so be patient! In the meantime, it’s REALLY important to fill yourself up with A LOT of fun, connection, joy and support. What kinds of things can you add into your life that will make you smile or laugh or feel comfort or feel connection? I’m saying this because it’s always a rollercoaster ride. You are strong at the moment, but you will face some weaker moments. It’s important to have a plan to support you during those times. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Lea,
Wow! What a great conversation! It sounded full of truth and that you both just created the space for each other to share what needed to be said. It also sounds like taking a break is a good thing for now, but there is still a strong connection and respect for each other, a good friendship and something worth coming back to. Who knows what will happen, but at least you both were able to empty out and learn how you both can be better as partners.
That’s really funny how you noticed similar responses to the breakup! lol.
So what’s next for you? What is your plan for working on yourself. You have more information about how you could have been more effective for him. Are these qualities you want to embody and offer? HOW are you going to work on yourself? What action steps are you going to take? How are you feeling about the separation and how are you processing everything that was shared?
Heidi
Hi Natalia,
Wow…what strange thing for him to say, especially at the beginning. To me, that would tell me he doesn’t feel very invested. To me, I don’t want to be anyone who feels they would be fine after breaking up. I mean, it’s true – everyone is always eventually fine – but I’d like to know they would struggle, as that puts meaning to my life and knowing that I had value to them. I’m wondering what was going through his mind when he said that.
Are you sure you want to re-connect with a guy who just doesn’t seem that invested? Don’t you want to invite a guy into your space that has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you and be with you? Don’t you want a guy who fights for you? Don’t you want a guy who doesn’t want to go a single day without connecting somehow? It really can be that way. There IS a guy that will know you and feel lucky to get to have you in his life. This guy just doesn’t seem to have that, for whatever reason. I know it hurts to think about that, as your relationship at one point worked really well – and then it didn’t. He somehow disconnected and doesn’t feel the relationship is worth fighting for.
If you do want to re-connect, maybe you can say something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of learning about myself ever since we broke up. I wanted to understand more about myself and how I behaved and treated you at times. It’s been eye-opening. I just want to apologize again – from a deeper place in my heart. I was so ineffective in so many ways and I’m working on becoming better. Part of being human, I guess. Anyways, I just wanted to say those things and acknowledge your experience of me from my viewpoint. I’m sure there is a lot more from your perspective and maybe someday you would be willing to teach me. Anyways, I hope life is treating you well! I’m always sending you good vibes. Anything interesting happening?” How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Oh my goodness! I totally cracked up about your face and how the coach took pics and how you were officially deemed a savage! hahaha! That’s great! I”m glad it’s finally healing up though.
I’m sorry you are still struggling with your last marriage. It sounds like there are still some things to resolve and create closure around so you can be 100% free from it. I’m glad you got some money from it though! It’s allowing you this very beautiful time to just slow down and get to know yourself. I LOVE that you and your daughter spent time together in ways that you love. That’s special! NO GUILT!!! Taking care of yourself, enjoying the moment and loving what you get to do, is something that needs to be part of every single day.
As far as the clothes, I get it. I have no doubt there are a few items you can find, that are within a price range you feel comfortable with, that you can LOVE! You deserve to have at least a few things that make you feel fabulous! Keep an eye out for those things! I have ALWAYS found exactly what I needed and wanted, within the price range that felt good for me. It takes awhile sometimes, but I know it’s worth the wait.
I know you have a lot to say about what I wrote and you will get to it when you have the energy. 🙂
Heidi
So interesting about the bathroom thing. What about public bathrooms? I imagine at restaurants and such, you would say “I need to go to the bathroom.” Yes? Here, if we are being more formal, we say “I need to use the restroom” But rarely do I hear “I need to use the loo or I need to use the toilet.” In fact, I don’t think I ever hear that unless it’s someone from Europe. But you are saying that in most homes, the place you take a bath and shower is separate from where the toilet is? Are they at least rooms that are next to each other?
You guys have an interesting dynamic. It sounds like there is definitely a comfort and connection that exists for sure. It truly was a super nice thing he did to help you with your floor, especially after things ended. I imagine he has gained respect for you since you handled everything so gracefully. I just love that you are staying present and just letting things be what they are, instead of trying to turn it into something more than what it is. It truly is a testament to how comfortable you are in your own skin. Most women would try to make something happen again. You’ve grown a lot Emilie! Did you guys set up a thank-you dinner yet?
I’m stubborn too! lol. Your grandma had a tough upbringing and it’s obvious she is still being strongly influenced by it. Makes me sad when people choose to stay in a relationship with old patterns and beliefs that are full of lies and hurt and sadness. She has so much more life at her fingertips than she even knows. I’m glad she at least has you to show her what is possible.
Heidi
I’m wondering why he gets “upset” when you want to talk about it. It sounds like it’s a trigger for him. Which again, is something to be VERY CAUTIOUS with, because if “labeling” is a trigger for him, then unless he faces that trigger and deals with it, it will always be there…so labels like girlfriend or wife may never be possible with this guy.
You can indirectly ask him questions about his past relationships. Many times, you will gather information from HOW he talks about them, WHAT he says about them and whether or not there is still any unresolved energy. This might give you a clue as to what is happening for him around the label thing.
Make sure you feel really good about your choice. Many women tend to put their needs aside for a man. They would rather have connection than honor what they truly need and want – which might result in disconnection. When your choice is at the expense of yourself, you are setting the relationship up for failure. If what you want comes from insecurity, then work with it! Dissect that insecurity and get to know it and work on healing it. That is setting up a relationship for success! Let’s talk about your insecurity. Where does it come from? What exactly is it? What are you afraid of?
Heidi
Great! I am so glad to hear that you are noticing some of the same things! This means you are keeping your eyes open and you are paying attention to your gut!!! Well done!
“I also discussed with him about potential schedule conflict in the future where we both need to attend something together at 2 different places and how we should discuss and prioritize.” I’m wondering why you are asking this question. How is it relevant to you? My guess is, maybe it’s a scenario you had to go through with your ex and you wanted to see how this current guy would respond? It seems there might be a bit of fear driving the need to ask this question, so I’m just curious.
“So I’ve been noticing this inequality of info sharing, which I called out to him already. He tends to avoid the question by asking how are my kids and how I am doing. So, still dealing with this. I can see he could be a jealous type but he expects me not to be jealous type when he has other women liking him. I don’t think he is a cheater necessarily but he likes getting attention even though he won’t admit it.” So this could be a sign of a couple of different things. He could have some real strong tendencies towards narcissism or he could have A LOT of low self-esteem. As far as you asking for information from him, it’s really easy for YOU to guide the path, instead of him always changing the subject and not sharing. Have you ever flat out asked him? I think you have, but I can’t remember. You can say something like, “It’s very obvious to me that when I ask for details about your day, your life and what’s happening for you, you avoid answering and you change the subject. What is this about? I’m curious about what is happening in you when you avoid sharing the details of your life with me.” A part of me suspects he has strong narcissistic tendencies, because this is a common behavior of those tendencies. It’s all about control. They gather a lot of information about others while others have very little information about him. I actually used to do that ALL THE TIME! I was quite the master at it and I even figured out how to share some info about me that was just enough to make people feel safe to share about themselves. It was all about having control for me. My tendencies are definitely towards narcissism and that will always be true, as it’s part of my personality. I manage it differently, now that I have done a ton of healing work. Now, I am much more open to sharing myself with others and soooooo much more comfortable not needing to control how things go. Some of your guy’s tendencies are things you will have to accept about him, because the only way some of those things will change, is if he does some deep dive healing work. So his love of attention, his need to have A LOT of control in his life, his need to keep his life more of secret…these are things you will need to accept about him and not really expect to change. Is this okay with you?
“But I seriously asked him where his heart is and I just need to know. I told him I don’t want to make him feel trapped with me. I want him to be with me because he is happy to be together with me. He said he is being honest about his love to me. And he is in a relationship with me. He said not to worry about the fan stuff. I think it is a deal breaker if he cannot show me that he truly loves me in a very sincere generous giving, without expectation type of love.” It seems that you are still looking to HIM for re-assurance. The reality here is, this is about YOUR insecurity and you are looking to HIM to feel better instead of really looking inside yourself. He can say all these things until he is blue in the face and it won’t change that his words are only good for that moment and DO NOT guarantee anything in the future. Reality is, you guys haven’t met yet. Another member on this forum was “with” a guy online for 4 months. They professed their love for each other, they talked every day in various ways and he finally came to visit. At the end of the visit he told he didn’t have feelings for her. That’s why meeting IN PERSON is crucial BEFORE building your life together. He has NO CLUE who you are in person, so asking for reassurances of his love and his heart, is asking a bit much considering you have never met. You BOTH are still in fantasy land about who each other are. Regardless, this fear you have and insecurity you have comes from your woundedness. You want HIM to grow and face himself. What are YOU doing to grow? I know you are here talking about things, but I’m referring to what you are actually DOING to heal the triggers you have. Are you journaling? When your insecurity about that fan came up, what could you have done differently to help you DIRECTLY deal with that fear, instead of going to him to fix it for you?
“When I got triggered, I made a nick name for my triggered self, for example the name is Susan. I would say Susan showed up. So he can separate the fact that I am still me with that bit of dark assertive side. Then he recently told me that he wants the sweet me whom he falls in love with. I told him no, he can’t have just the sweet me. He needs to love both of us. I explained to him that his wanting to like only the sweet me is like me saying I just want the rich and famous you without your struggles, imperfections allergies etc.” So what do you DO when Susan shows up? This is great by the way! I love that you confronted it head on and set some boundaries and let him know he needs to accept all of you. Good job! He is quite undeveloped emotionally, so you have A LOT of work to do with the guy and it starts with making statements like this one.
“So, my question is do I adapt by understanding that his circle of friends work differently than mine? How should we navigate our differences. He is respectful in however I want to operate with my circle of friends, but I don’t think I can change the way he operates with his friends. Is it healthy to just let each other be? Thoughts?” No, you cannot change the way he operates with his friends. If you want to, then I would question what is happening for you? How they operate works for them. What makes you think that your way of operating with friends is better? They are in agreement with how they want to exchange money and that is really all that matters. For example, there are MANY open relationships out there. Do they work? Yes. Is it possible to have a healthy, open relationship? Yes. Is monogamy better and more healthy? No. It’s just a different way to experience relationship and what makes any relationship healthy or not healthy, is HOW the people interact, NOT what the interaction is. It’s the energy behind the interaction that matters, not the interaction itself. Does this make sense? So as long as the energy with his friends is clear about borrowing money, when it’s returned etc. and the friend is also clear and they are on the same page, then it’s healthy. It becomes unhealthy when those agreements are not met and the communication is poor. Should that happen, then he has deal with it at that point. So let it be. Again, you need to MEET this guy first.
“He is not aggressive.” You don’t know this. Until you have been IN PERSON and see him triggered and in complete anger, you don’t know this about him. It’s anger that triggers abuse and you have never seen him angry. Just keep this in mind. With the kinds of things I suspect are running in his subconscious, he has the potential for abuse if he was pushed far enough into his anger. I suspect, if he was abusive, it also would take awhile before it showed up – maybe a year or 2 down the road.
Hope this helps!
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Welcome!
I’m wondering, if he is not responsive to meeting you where you are at, what is keeping you connected to this guy? I know you guys may have had fun together, but a guy who is only willing to meet on his terms, is not a guy you want to get involved with and it sounds like you might already know that. So what is keeping you connected to him vs. just moving on?
Heidi
