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I looked up that journal! I really like it! Thank you for sharing!
Like Kanya said, it’s very normal to want to reach out. Breakups hit someone on every single level of their physical, spiritual and emotional aspects. You are losing the dreams you created around him. You are having to create a whole new day without him in it. It’s hard!!! It sounds like you have it handled though and are taking steps in a healthy direction. Journaling will shed a whole new light on you and your situation and will provide a great way for the energy to move THROUGH you vs. staying stuck. Well done!
Here are a few other techniques that can help:
1. Watch some movies where there is a breakup or loss and then a recovery (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun). It’s a great way to watch someone recover and can help you believe you can do it as well.
2. There is a technique I call “finish the story.” Anytime you start to reminisce, tell the FULL story, not just the best parts. For example, “I miss being able to connect with him and tell him about my day AND he does not see me in the way that I deserve and I will accept nothing less than being fought for and valued – or – AND it’s over.” Reminding yourself of the WHOLE story is so important as far as re-programming your mindset.Just some other ideas you can add to your toolbox.
Heidi
Great answer! I was pushing you a little to see where you REALLY were at with him.
I remember now that YOU were saying you weren’t showing much feeling towards him and that he didn’t say that – and that maybe it was part of the reason for things ending.
You sound and feel REALLY clear – at least in this moment. You have been very wise in how you are approaching all of this and giving your feelings some space to breathe – and not rushing anything. I feel the trust you have in yourself and the situation. You really have grown soooo much. I know we have said that a million times to you, but it’s soooo exciting for Kanya and I to see this path you have taken. Not many stay connected to us as long as you have, so most of the time, we don’t get to witness changes and growth that happen over a period of time. I really want to appreciate you for keeping us involved in your life and in the loop of your romance adventures. It’s truly and honor and such a gift for us to get to witness your life!
Heidi
He asked me if I could reschedule or push back the time to meet my sister. I know he was just asking and not demanding.
Keep paying attention to his reactions like this. It is coming from his subconscious. I know he didn’t get mad or was demanding, but the fact that he asked in the first place, is very telling. I’m wondering if this has to do with his view of women and the role they should be playing for him. He is antiquated and very limited on his belief about what a woman should be for their man – meaning, they should always put their man first. It may be poor impulse control – wanting what he wants NOW. That kind of energy is very wounded, childish (about age 2) type of energy. It may be other things. Just keep paying attention and noticing so that you are AWAKE AND AWARE of who you are choosing to invite into your life.
I need to heal and stop this need for validation by growing love within myself and shine that way.
Nothing could be more true! I’m glad you are really seeing this and wanting this for yourself!!! How do you plan on doing this? It’s one thing to talk about it, but another thing to take specific steps. Thoughts on this?
He said I don’t expect much, just trust, understanding and love.
Typical guy answer. LOL He expects waaaaaaay more than that, he just hasn’t thought about it much. He is working conceptually, instead of really questioning and getting to know himself on a deeper level. I have taken many men through my conscious dating program and how to pick a long term partner and most of them have started off with those answers, only to discover those conceptual answers is what got them in trouble in the first place when picking their past relationships. It’s always really eye-opening for them.
My new mantra: 0 doubt, commit.
Careful with this one. It’s not really realistic to NOT have doubt. Doubt, in its truest and more authentic form, is wise. We are not meant to take things at face value all of the time. Doubt is what will slow you down and make you question, use caution and gather more information. Yes, it can also get in the way too. Every situation is different. So if doubt is showing up, you don’t want to just shove it away. You want to access it, tap into the fear, tap into any unhealthy energy about it and get to know yourself WITH your doubt. THEN, when you have worked with it a bit, you will be more clear about whether or not it’s a good thing for you to commit. Make sense?
“It’s not about looping you in. Babe, you are a woman, and you are soft, I am a man I can handle stuff, I just want to over bother you. I just want my baby happy and good.” “although I don’t like to be called soft unless if he meant soft skin lol… but I want him to take care of me and handle stuff that he thinks the best way for us. I respect his decisions. I want to ask you about how to make sure that he doesn’t see me as a soft woman who can’t handle stuff.
Yikes! This is quite the telling statement. This is where his view of women and female energy is very old. I wonder who taught him this or where this is coming from. Maybe his father role modeled this for him. Maybe something you want to explore further? Because this is a HUGE RED FLAG here. He is viewing female energy as fragile. He is viewing female energy as not able to be trusted with the “man stuff.” He is viewing female energy as something he doesn’t respect or truly honor. It’s a viewpoint that isn’t that far off from the 40s and 50s where women stayed at home and took care of the family and him and that was her job and the man was the provider. I also know that he has called you wise and intelligent etc. He is split. He has both viewpoints and whoever is in the driver’s seat at any given moment, is who will be making the decisions in your relationship. This is a VERY DEEP, CORE program that is running in his system. Getting him to view you differently won’t work. This is something he needs to explore himself. He would need to connect to the core of where this program about women is coming from and then shift it from there. I’m not sure how willing he is to do something like that.
I’m curious. Has he ever been to a therapist? Would he ever be willing to go? Or work with a coach? I ask this, because with his old and antiquated views of the roles of men and women in society, he might not be open or willing to ask for help in his growth. This is something VERY important to know about someone, because you will be facing some very challenging sticky points with this guy. If he isn’t willing to get a 3rd party perspective sometimes and ask for help, there really is nowhere to go except down the tubes. I hate to say this – but if someone isn’t willing to look at all aspects of themselves, the love they offer will ALWAYS be limited and whatever issues you see now, will only continue to grow and get bigger and more evident as they age. So his view of women will just get worse. There is a whole science behind this and why this happens, that I won’t get into. I’m just giving you the highlights.
The truth is Heidi, this time I feel willing to let go of control and letting this man take care of me.
Careful here! Letting go of control DOES NOT mean that you allow someone else to take care of you at the same time. That is giving away your power. Letting go of control means that you are able to be more accepting and present with whatever is showing up in your life instead of directing it all of the time. It IS NOT becoming an inactive bystander. It is NOT his job to take care of you. You need to be fully involved and participating in EVERY aspect of your life. Let’s keep talking about this. What does this mean to you? What do you imagine he is taking care of for you?
I can see the potential of him getting mad if I pushed his buttons: distrusting and disrespectful tones. But I think most people have their limit and can get mad, right? It’s part of being human.
Yes, we all have our limits. Distrusting and disrespectful tones are normal for the most part. It’s more about watching what he does with those. Again, you are literally getting such a small picture of him, so you TRULY DO NOT know what he is like when his buttons are REALLY pushed, until you experience him IN PERSON when it happens. The part of him that views female energy as soft (which it is – but his view is not respectful – it’s demeaning) will be in the driver’s seat when he is triggered which most likely will cause him to push you away and not involve you or cause him to completely disregard you. Again, a guy with this type of view of women living in his subconscious, has the potential for being physically or verbally abusive when triggered. I know this feels VERY far from the guy you falling for and that’s okay. I’m just planting seeds to keep you connected to the potential that lives in him. You will just never truly know until you start to live in the same area.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? We are here to support you in whatever way we can. We would love to hear from you again.
Heidi
Hi Cybil,
I’m so sorry for all that you went through. That is A LOT to deal with! I’m glad to hear you are connecting more deeply to yourself and your value now, than you ever have before!!!
So let’s talk about this “waiting” period. You are willing to wait, but for how long? You know it’s not 6 years, but I’m also wondering how long you are willing to put your needs on hold. I think it’s great to wait this out and give this more time and space by the way. I just also want you to truly stay connected to your needs and making sure you honor them as they come up. I know it’s impossible to put a time limit on things as far as how long you will wait. I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going through your mind and how you want to continue to approach this.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
This is a great question. Unfortunately, there is no black and white answer as every single person is going to have a different response. What James said is true and it’s not. It all depends on the kind of person you are, who they are and the kind of relationship you have together. For example, I had a boyfriend who really loved bigger butts. We would be walking and I would notice a girl with a butt he would like and point it out and I would “appreciate” beauty WITH him. We would talk about why it was a nice butt and laugh and bond about it. I DID NOT have that kind of butt AND I didn’t feel shame or insecure about it (I have that in other areas of my life), so I was just able to join him vs. ask him NOT to talk about. We also had a great relationship and there was a lot of love and appreciation being exchanged. I always felt his attention was WITH me and not on other women, so our relationship could handle moments like that as it brought us closer by me accepting his fascination with big butts and he got to just be who he really was. If I had an insecure reaction about it, that’s on me, not him.
Any insecurity that shows up, is ALWAYS about you and is not his fault. Your insecurity has to do with all the past hurts and being cheated on and abandoned. The insecurity you are feeling is a reflection of the baggage you are still carrying – the unresolved hurt. That hurt you feel, will not go away by making him not talk about his crushes. Why not deal with the hurt that is coming up? By triggering you with his crushes, he is giving you an opportunity to see where you are still carrying hurt and fear from your past. Don’t you want to realease that stuff so you can move on in your life more freely – without the hurt and fear? It’s awful what you have been through! Now that you are being triggered, it’s a great opportunity to heal and let go of the past so you don’t have to suffer anymore.
Just to give you perspective…I personally am someone who hardly gets jealous or easily insecure (in this area – I have plenty of insecurities though), so if I had a guy who was behaving in this way, I wouldn’t respond with feeling insecure, but I would be aware this is a potential red flag and deal-breaker for me. I would WANT him to talk about it as freely as he wants to, so I could see how much this behavior is really involved in his life. I would want to know every single aspect of it, so I could see what his thoughts are, his habits, his behaviors and determine what his “crushes” were really about and how that would affect the relationship with me.
Your insecurity is YOUR side to deal with, but there still is his side to deal with as well. His “crushes” could mean different things. He may be the kind of guy who can only love so much – meaning he may be that guy who just doesn’t have the ability to FULLY invest everything of who he is in a relationship. Having “crushes” and constantly looking at and liking pictures is a form of fantasy – and fantasy is distracting and will always take energy away from whatever relationship he is in. I would wonder if there is a type of addiction happening for him as well. The question is, are you willing to accept him still? He may not talk about it anymore, but it doesn’t change his behavior. He is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to truly look at this aspect of his life – as there is an unhealthy energy behind it. So you have to decide if you are willing to accept this about him – or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
Wow! Welcome. I’m so sorry to hear this. This is a really big deal and has many, many layers to it.
I have a lot of questions and there are a couple of different approaches to take. The one key ingredient however, is that BOTH of you want the same thing and agree on how to approach it. If that is not in place, you will be like a hamster on a wheel and get nowhere. Are you both on the same page? Does he TRULY want to work on the relationship with you? Is he willing to let the idea of your best friend go and turn his attention towards you? Until he closes the door on her, there is no moving forward.
How do you feel about your marriage? Do you love being married to him? I’m not talking about how you feel about HIM – I’m asking about the lifestyle you have created together – your marriage – the 3rd aspect of you guys (there is you, there is him, there is the life you create together). Do you love the life you have created together? Do you know how he feels about the life you have created together?
Let’s just start there. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Heidi
Hi Lea,
It sounds like you are really ready to become more of who you are.
I love the blasting music and dancing idea! That’s so great! Make sure that when you dance, you just let your body do whatever it wants to do. Forget about dancing “cool” or looking good. The more silly and uncoordinated your dancing is, the better. I would also suggest singing. Sing to songs you love, out loud and try not to sound good. Just sing and let your voice be whatever it is. There’s a really fun scene in the movie “The Holiday” where Cameron Diaz blasts music, sings and dances and she just lets loose! And doesn’t sound good, doesn’t really dance well, but she is having some fun! Let us know how it goes!
It might be a good idea to get journal. There are wounds from your past that you are carrying, which is why you react the way you do. It’s our baggage – unresolved hurts – that cause all of us to react to certain words, phrases, behaviors etc. Just “thinking” about it, doesn’t necessarily change that it’s there. Most of the time, to create a permanent change, it’s important to step into those feelings and get to know them on a deeper level. Allow the memories to come up where you were first hurt. Journaling is one way to go deeper than just thinking consciously about it. Journaling can help access the subconscious, which is where the emotions around your “baggage” lives. There are A TON of things you can do, so if you want more ideas, let us know!
It’s been a few days now. How are you feeling and processing the breakup?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! You get to deliver babies for work! That’s intense and such a sacred calling. That’s a very hard job!
As far as your guy, I would suggest to forget about time. The more you are attached to counting the days, the worse it is. When you can just let go – COMPLETELY let go – you will be able to find true peace and acceptance of what is. It’s THAT kind of energy and mindset that has the power to shift the situation. To answer your question though, you are correct in that there is no one answer. Every single person is different. He may never reach out, he may reach out in 3 weeks. People have a higher tolerance in the beginning, so if they end up reaching out, it’s usually when their tolerance starts to fade and that can take a bit of time.
I know you want the friendship back. But in reality, something was off. I know you guys bonded and you really fell for him, but he didn’t fall for you, for whatever reason. That’s why connecting and falling in love over a computer is sooooo dangerous. It doesn’t replace or is equal to being in person. So the relationship you had with him over the computer had a TON of fantasy in it. You end up feeling so close to someone for those few hours during the day, but it’s such a small container and viewpoint compared to who they really are. So let that version of your relationship go. You don’t want to live in a fantasy, do you? I know it felt amazing, but it wasn’t 100% real. It’s kind of like reading a novel. Your mind will create the pictures, the characters and the story – then most of the time, when you go see the movie, it’s not near as good as the book, partly because NOTHING can compare to what you created in your mind. Your mind is sooooooo darn powerful! Does this make sense?
Heidi
Of course you are still thinking about him! Why wouldn’t you? I’m just glad those thoughts are not leading you down the path of being pushy or wanting to force something to happen.
It’s been 10 days and you have a super busy month. I would suggest to just send another thank you message and let him know you are super busy this month and plan on working more this weekend so you can return his tool soon and take him to dinner. Just a thought. If I remember correctly, he seemed to think you didn’t “feel” very much towards him…or something to that effect.
Heidi
Hi Kim,
Wow! I’m really sorry to hear this! I imagine he most likely will head into depression, especially if this is his go-to coping mechanism. Can you be okay NOT rescuing him from that space? I know you want to be supportive, but sometimes, pain is a really great motivator for change.
I would not suggest to have the “talk” with him. Anything you say at this point will go into the pot of depression and struggle. He will not respond well.
However, it does not mean you can’t still set some boundaries. You have a pattern of feeling needy, so hopefully you are still working on that aspect of yourself. I imagine it would get triggered more if he is pulling away. What are you doing to support yourself? AND…it’s also important to listen to and honor your needs. If having sex is too confusing for you right now, then set that boundary. First and foremost, honoring yourself is important, whether or not it makes sense to him or anyone else. It makes sense to you and that’s all that matters. What feels good for you right now?
If he is disconnecting more, let him have his space. Men, many times, need to go into their “cave” when things get stressful. It’s soooooo important for the woman to just let them be there and occassionally bring “food” as a sign of support. The woman who tries to go into the cave and connect with him or try to pull him out of the cave, is a woman who is not respecting and trusting his process. Men will pull away from a woman like that. A great book to understand this is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. Check it out!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story! I first want to commend you on reaching out and asking for a different perspective and asking for help. Well done!
Let’s just address jealousy in general. The feelings of jealousy can ONLY exist in someone if there is insecurity. So this statement you made “To me, if the notion of your SO having a crush on anyone (I don’t care if it’s a celebrity) doesn’t hit even a little bit of a jealous bone in your body, then there’s something wrong” isn’t actually true. If someone is 100% solid in who they are and their value, there would be no jealousy. AGain, jealousy is insecurity.
Now, it’s not to say that what you are sensing about his “crushing” doesn’t have some truth in it and some aspects that may be unhealthy. The fact that it is activating jealousy in you though, is YOUR issue, not his. So asking him not to share his life with you, even his celebrity crushes, is asking him not to be who he is, because you are feeling insecure.
First, I would recommend looking at your reaction of jealousy and irritation as an opportunity for healing. The insecurity comes from somehwere in your past and has some unresolved “gunk” in it. It’s your baggage so to speak. If we want healthy relationships, we HAVE to deal with our own baggage. Is this something you are willing to do?
Second, maybe approach his crushes a little differently? Instead of shutting him off, why not explore it a little more? Ask him questions about it. LEARN about the energy that is driving him and his crushes. The more you learn about it, the deeper understanding you will have about him. You are just seeing his crushes from your perspective and not his, so work on opening yourself up to HIS perspective and experience of crushes and you might find that it’s just a fun thing for him. You also might find his crushes are part of his baggage and have a really unhealthy aspect to it. Who knows! But isn’t it worth finding out? You can ask questions like “How come you had a crush on her? What is it about her that made you crush on her? How old were you? How long was your crush on her? What are your crushes like? Do you fantasize about them a lot and watch a lot of movies with them in it or you just crush on her when you see pics or something?” These are just some starter questions.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexandra,
Well done! I know it’s hard to let go and keep living your life without him in it. It may take a bit for him to finally reach out, so be patient! In the meantime, it’s REALLY important to fill yourself up with A LOT of fun, connection, joy and support. What kinds of things can you add into your life that will make you smile or laugh or feel comfort or feel connection? I’m saying this because it’s always a rollercoaster ride. You are strong at the moment, but you will face some weaker moments. It’s important to have a plan to support you during those times. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Lea,
Wow! What a great conversation! It sounded full of truth and that you both just created the space for each other to share what needed to be said. It also sounds like taking a break is a good thing for now, but there is still a strong connection and respect for each other, a good friendship and something worth coming back to. Who knows what will happen, but at least you both were able to empty out and learn how you both can be better as partners.
That’s really funny how you noticed similar responses to the breakup! lol.
So what’s next for you? What is your plan for working on yourself. You have more information about how you could have been more effective for him. Are these qualities you want to embody and offer? HOW are you going to work on yourself? What action steps are you going to take? How are you feeling about the separation and how are you processing everything that was shared?
Heidi
Hi Natalia,
Wow…what strange thing for him to say, especially at the beginning. To me, that would tell me he doesn’t feel very invested. To me, I don’t want to be anyone who feels they would be fine after breaking up. I mean, it’s true – everyone is always eventually fine – but I’d like to know they would struggle, as that puts meaning to my life and knowing that I had value to them. I’m wondering what was going through his mind when he said that.
Are you sure you want to re-connect with a guy who just doesn’t seem that invested? Don’t you want to invite a guy into your space that has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you and be with you? Don’t you want a guy who fights for you? Don’t you want a guy who doesn’t want to go a single day without connecting somehow? It really can be that way. There IS a guy that will know you and feel lucky to get to have you in his life. This guy just doesn’t seem to have that, for whatever reason. I know it hurts to think about that, as your relationship at one point worked really well – and then it didn’t. He somehow disconnected and doesn’t feel the relationship is worth fighting for.
If you do want to re-connect, maybe you can say something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of learning about myself ever since we broke up. I wanted to understand more about myself and how I behaved and treated you at times. It’s been eye-opening. I just want to apologize again – from a deeper place in my heart. I was so ineffective in so many ways and I’m working on becoming better. Part of being human, I guess. Anyways, I just wanted to say those things and acknowledge your experience of me from my viewpoint. I’m sure there is a lot more from your perspective and maybe someday you would be willing to teach me. Anyways, I hope life is treating you well! I’m always sending you good vibes. Anything interesting happening?” How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
