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Well done Cindi! I love that you are bringing your kids into this as well. There are many many layers to work through and you are steps in a positive direction, even though it’s still incredibly painful.
my brain fights me on it, and that’s typically when I break down. It’s hard to let go of the idea that I found someone who’s willing to do this thing with me, even though it’s complicated, and hard. That someone who loved and talked to me that way is cold and gone. Part of why your brain fights against what is happening, is there are holes in your understanding about how trauma works, how baggage works, and how the psyche works. You carry a very innocent and young belief that if he was so amazing and good and made you feel the way you did, that he would never be unhealthy, toxic, or uncaring towards you. Both can absolutely exist in a person and because you don’t understand how that is created in one person, it just doesn’t make sense. AND, you have said many times “I would never treat someone this way” so it just doesn’t make sense to you that things turned out this way, when they didn’t need to. I get it. There are A LOT of things we don’t get about how other people behave. Rapists, murderers, players, con artists and the list goes on full of toxic people in this world. Do you understand THEIR behaviors and choices? Nope. That’s why I am saying it doesn’t matter. All that matters is HOW HE IS and whatever happened in his life to create this cold, disconnected man after being so open, is about HIS journey. All you really need to know is that he is wonderful AND he is toxic, harmful, and has narcissistic tendencies. His shadow side impacts his best sides and all together, he just doesn’t add up to being a good partner for ANY woman. Like you have experienced, he broke trust and safety with how he handled all of this and even if you guys worked things out and he didn’t quit, the joy you had with him before, would be slightly less because in the back of your mind, you would remember how he treated you and broke safety.
So even though your brain fights you, you also have a part of your brain that KNOWS he did not belong on the pedestal you created for him and that although he was fantastic and made you feel amazing, it was ONLY when things were good, so his connection, openness, care, and love had some serious limits and did not sustain when challenges showed up. THAT is real too.
Keep going Cindi! Every single day is one more day you made it through and you should ALWAYS give yourself some SERIOUS props for that. What you are navigating is so tough! So keep encouraging yourself and celebrating yourself for making it through another day!
Have you heard back from him at all about your key and earrings?
Heidi
Hi Seow!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all your thoughts!! There is sooooooo much to talk about and unpack, far deeper than you aware of, so stick with me as we navigate all of this. I am seeing a lot of misunderstandings, so let’s start by helping you to shift perspectives, so you can feel more empowered about how to move through your situation.
First, it is absolutely obvious that you are alpha, a leader, and a problem solver. What is VERY important to understand, is that ALL of our greatest strengths, are also our greatest weaknesses 100% of time. So, while you are a leader and a problem solver and many times, it’s needed, helpful, and purposeful, it can also be harmful when you are problem solving when what you really need to be doing is just letting the situation be and NOT problem solve. Maybe it’s better just to listen. Maybe it’s better to not control the outcome and just let it unfold however it does. Maybe it’s better NOT to get involved at all and let someone deal 100% with their own problems. You are independent….a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL quality and it has served you in a million ways. It has strengthened you and it has sourced your confidence AND that independence also go in the way of you being able to receive the gifts he was offering you when you said “Stop buying me anything. I can buy whatever I like myself”. I know it was more about not feeling aligned with the gifts he was offering you AND it’s always important to pay attention with what comes out of your mouth, as it IS an expression of some part of how you feel. Are you able to see how the best, most amazing parts of you also can shoot you in foot and be harmful to connection? This will ALWAYS be true for the rest of your life. It’s nothing we are able to change, it’s more that we recognize how we are sabotaging sooner than later and we course correct. Whenever the shadow side of our gifts are being activated, it’s letting us know about the “fault lines” that live within our system – the “cracks” in our foundation that exist because of lies, low self-esteem, trauma, past hurts and wounds…basically, our “baggage” lives in our fault lines. So when we are showing up in an ineffective way, EVEN THOUGH we think we are helping and doing good, it lets us know that our baggage is being activated.
Here is an example…you helped him through the divorce. You “saved” him. You did things that he didn’t feel he was capable of and you helped him through the worst part of his life. You took on the role of being his rescuer. And while your heart was super caring and loving and you had compassion for him, all you did was enable him. You set yourself up to be his “savior” when what REALLY needed to happen, was for him to save himself. He could have gotten professional help. He could have handled his ex in a different way. He has NO CLUE how strong he really is now, because he tied his ability to get through this challenging situation to YOU. And that will instantly muck up any kind of love and connection, because you have been set up from the beginning as his savior and he is the victim that cannot take care of himself. So while you were doing something from your heart and with good intention, it also harmed the connection, it harmed him, and it harmed the love that was being built on this VERY shaky foundation.
So now….you BOTH are dealing with the long term consequences that were destined to show up at some point and the foundation is breaking. Is it fixable? Well, the ONLY way to repair this connection is for you BOTH to start operating differently and for you BOTH to stop the destructive ways that you connect. It’s not all destructive, but enough of it is, that’s its breaking your connection. From the beginning you viewed him as the victim and incapable of handling his toxic ex wife. Did you ever consider what was happening inside of HIM, that he chose to bond himself to this kind of woman in the first place? And that LEARNING how to separate from her was a NEEDED lesson for him so he could strengthen himself? Only a guy with a lot of low self-esteem would choose a wife like that. Separating from her was the PERFECT time for him to repair that low self-esteem. But instead, you came to the rescue and actually robbed him of some of the most important lessons he needed to learn. You didn’t believe he was capable, therefore he never learned that he was. And YOU came to the rescue, because I’m guessing that is a deep need of yours. Somewhere, deep inside, being the rescuer gives you your value…it helps you to feel loved. I know this pattern well, because I functioned the same exact way. I watched myself choose men over and over and over again who put me on this pedestal because I “saved” them or I “inspired them” or I “was like nothing they have ever experienced before.” But in reality, I was choosing men who were quite damaged SO THAT I could hear those words. I was taught that I was not lovable otherwise. It was my “winning formula” which is the formula I used to “sell” to others to show I was valuable and hide my imperfections. It worked every single time…AND there were always consequences to this design, because it set me “above” my partner where I was much more higher functioning than him. It throws off the balance.
So…if you really want to fix this love and connection, the first place to start is getting to know yourself. Start to really look at your choices, your patterns, your thoughts, your habits, the roles you are constantly placing yourself in and pay attention to the energy that sources all of it. Let’s be clear though…it’s NOT about what you do, it’s about the energy that sources what you do. You are in such a strong leadership type of role 24/7, that you were unable to be in a receiving state when your guy was giving you gifts, regardless of whether you liked them or not. What does that tell you about yourself? I’d say you are quite uncomfortable letting someone else lead and allowing yourself to rest sometimes. Does this resonate for you? Or not?
I’ll stop there, because I already shared a lot and I don’t want to overwhelm you. I love that you are here and open to learning, so be honest if what or how I am sharing, is ineffective for you. Working over this computer is extremely difficult sometimes as I’m trying share some very complicated and deep concepts.
Here is a story that may help you understand better what I was explaining: https://youtu.be/dQ26D_Ck158?si=OE1pkhN4QaqtW8K_
I just want to address what you said, but this is also a BIG topic with a lot of layers to it. I found myself thinking “oh boy, this is hard. so much is expected of a woman in a relationship?” We need to be independent, interesting, presentable, take care of our looks, be understanding and supportive, yet be demure and know how to behave with a man and so forth…. I can absolutely see why you would have these thoughts and feelings. I want to encourage you though. You have a perspective that is missing the target here and that’s why it would feel exhausting for you. First and foremost, NONE OF THIS is ever meant to be “for a man.” Everything you described are actually meant to be NATURAL effortless ways of being as a woman. The fact that it feels like “work” to you, means there are missing parts of your feminine side that are not alive and functioning in your life. I’m wondering, how often to you activate your softness, your receiving side, your allowing vs. pushing side, your nurturing side? I’m wondering, being an alpha female, it’s SUPER easy to get caught up in being strong more from the male side of yourself vs. the female side of yourself. This was a long journey for me as well. Growing up with narcissist father, 2 brothers and 8 boys down that street as my playmates, my male energy side became VERY over-developed. It served me of course, having boys as my friends and being a high powered and successful athlete. AND…it harmed me when I entered into a relationship and trying to activate my soft, compassionate side. I could easily activate my sexual side, put on a dress, do my hair and makeup and turn some heads, but that was a very limited expression of my female side. It goes soooooo much deeper than that. If you want to keep talking about this, let’s dive in!
And lastly, I do want to encourage you. I know that you feel bitter, angry, and resentful. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel that way. If you REALLY want to save your relationship, those are feelings that HAVE to be dealt with, faced, honored, and worked through DIRECTLY. Do you have someone who can help you clear those feelings out, so you can start being more available for connection and healing the challenges with your guy?
I would happily share the info. of my coach. She is the most brilliant person I have every come across and her methods, techniques, and approach works sooooo fast….as long as you willing to do the work. She is tough and she is very used to working with incredibly high functioning and high powered people in this world that run companies. With everything that you are feeling and going through, I would recommend some expert help and support. If this interests you, let me know and I will send her contact info. to your email.
In the meantime, let’s keep talking.
Heidi
Let’s break this down a bit:
I would like assurances that he is taking this seriously How would you KNOW that he is taking this seriously? What is he doing and/or saying that would make you feel like he is invested and not just playing around?
there is potential to build towards something real and long term and that we’re both going to put in effort to construct a good foundation. What is a good foundation to you? What does that EXACTLY entail? What KIND of effort are you looking for from him?
But I do have fear around letting him back in and if it becomes toxic or push pull then the amount of stress I’ll experience What the DEEPER issue here is, you don’t trust yourself. So what that it becomes toxic or has a push/pull. You are not stuck. You can leave anytime you want. You are NOT trapped by HIS choices. The amount of stress you experience has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with YOU and the stories you are telling yourself about whatever is happening. Any stress that shows up, is just letting you know about those stories that are running in your system. And one of those stories is that you don’t trust yourself for some reason. You don’t trust that you can handle whatever shows up. You don’t trust your resilience. The reality is Laura, no matter the relationship, there are going to be moments of BIG stress, there are going to be moments of push/pull, there are going to be moments where trust is broken. It’s normal! So you have to trust yourself implicitly BECAUSE all of those things are going to happen.
Self trust is saying “No matter what he chooses, no matter what happens between him and I, I am resilient. I am resourceful, I am intelligent, I can heal, and I will be okay.” When that kind of belief in yourself is running through your veins, whatever it is that you choose or he chooses, you have confidence that is NOT based on him being what you need him to be, in order to feel okay.
The thing is, when fear comes up, it instantly activates higher needs for control, to avoid the exact thing we are fearful of. And then, we end up making all kinds of decisions, based on fear about something that hasn’t even happened yet! So imagine this Laura…what if you weren’t afraid? What if you just let him be who he needed to be WITHOUT having a discussion about what’s next? What if you just got very clear about your standards and then you just took one day at a time? What if you could feel completely peaceful just observing and watching yourself and him and let his actions and words over time, guide what feels comfortable for you vs. asking for HIM to offer assurances…which by the way, is just a bunch of words that have no foundation because as you already know, his words and actions were thwarted by his feelings for his ex. You just never know what is going to happen either for you or for him…it’s the reality of life. So again…what if there were no fear? Your fear is causing you to feel attached to a very specific outcome, therefore increasing your need to control so you don’t get hurt again. I know I’m repeating myself here, but sometimes saying it in different ways can help people.
So my guidance is to face your fear, instead of looking at him to relieve that fear for you. That’s just a bandaid.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know it’s hard Cindi. This is the first time you are experiencing heartbreak from a type of love you gave all of yourself to. Letting go of that hits you VERY deep, so therefore you need to be more DIRECT in your approach to help yourself heal. Exercising, reading, and talking about it are NOT techniques to help you actually process the pain DIRECTLY. While all of those things are super important and can help you, they are not techniques that work with your pain and the stories sourcing your pain DIRECTLY. Journaling and talking are great ways to just let it all out and that is soooo important. Keep doing that! I’d like to see you take it step further though. You will recover sooooooo much faster when you get more purposeful and direct with your healing.
Techniques that actually work WITH the pain will actually help create relief from the suffering, especially when you have a wave that hits you really hard. Again, look up tapping universe.com or you can go to YouTube and find a TON of videos on EFT for breakups, for hurt, for addictions, for anything you can imagine. Here is a visualization that might help: https://blog.thewellnessuniverse.com/healing-broken-heart-visualization-exercise/
And really, if you just google “how to heal a broken heart” a TON of things pop up. Even type that in YouTube and you will get bombarded with people offering their guidance. Find out what resonates for you. This is about you taking DIRECT action to work with your pain and build a new skillset for how to help yourself heal.
There is more you can do to help yourself Cindi! Now is the time to fight for yourself on a deeper level. DO NOT let this man steel your joy and the beauty of your love and light that you carry. He was your teacher, not your forever person. The pain he has activated in you is causing you to learn and grow in ways that you deeply needed. Now, you can start to develop your SKILLS in how to better manage your pain and help yourself recover.
Keep coming here and venting and letting it all out too! I don’t even have to give guidance back, you can just say “Heidi, I need to vent this time and I need some validation.” I will absolutely support you!!!
Heidi
Hi! I’m glad he reached out and that you guys are meeting up.
The biggest guidance I would give you, is to get CRYSTAL CLEAR about what those assurances are for you. Meaning, where are you drawing your line in the sand and not willing to negotiate away for yourself? That’s what HE needs to know and that’s what you need to know as well. Where are you willing to compromise and where are you set stone?
What assurances are you looking for Laura?
Heidi
Great question! It’s your NEED to understand that is causing the suffering. Your mind thinks that if you just understand, if you could just figure out what went wrong, if you could just be clear about what happened, THEN the pain would subside OR you could possibly figure out a way to get him back. It’s not true. It’s your minds way of actually avoiding the deepest pain of all…it’s over, end of story. Analyzing will not change that it’s time for you to let go of the dream you created around him and the love you felt for him.
You help yourself by STOPPING the stories that come up that feeds the pain. For example, let’s say you start to think “I can’t believe he would ever treat me this way. I thought he loved me. He did…..he said….he showed me…..he told me…..” When you start to notice yourself starting to loop around everything that happened you say “Stop! It’s over Cindi. We are not going that road again. It’s time to embrace that it’s really over.” And you begin to reprogram your mind with the CURRENT reality instead of avoiding it by allowing your looping thoughts, which keeps the pain and confusion alive.
I know you don’t understand how he could treat someone this way. It’s okay! You don’t need to understand. Your only job is to be aware that he can. His version of love is different than yours. His version of integrity is different than yours. That’s ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW! Those differences are deal breakers, end of story. So trying to understand the what and why and how on HIS side, is just a distraction from focusing on yourself. It’s your pattern Cindi. You focus so much not he “other” and you lose yourself over and over and over again. Your focus on the “other” means you don’t have to pay attention to what is within you.
I’ve given you SEVERAL tools, videos, techniques to look up, all to help you, yet you are still allowing yourself to spin and spin and spin around HIM. So…you get to stay in pain as long as you keep this up. You can heal after several months or you can heal in just a few months. It all depends on the inner work you are willing to do and how much you will hold yourself accountable and commit to making deeper changes instead of staying in your typical patterns.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
It looks like you created a whole new story about him, believing it was all lies. That absolutely is very possible AND it could also be that he truly believes that about himself. We all have our blind spots, which is why it’s so important to have people that are educated, wise, and able to hold us accountable to higher levels of truth. If all he did was read books, that’s just knowledge. It’s a very different level to have a GOOD therapist or a skilled person be able to see past all of our crap AND to allow them to point things out to us. Either way, the “why” behind his choices and behavior and his intent don’t really matter. What matters is the end result. The “why” is for HIM to deal with, not you.
When you start to move a lot of the pain out of your system, you won’t need to create a story which makes him bad and wrong and you won’t be judging yourself anymore. You will see all of this with more open eyes, you won’t need to “figure out” what went wrong anymore and you will just get to a point where all of that stuff just doesn’t matter anymore. Keep working through your anger and hurt. Keep being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Keep learning new ways to fill yourself up, so you no longer allow yourself to head into scarcity, which makes it sooooo easy to have a man fill you up instead of yourself.
Whether he was authentic with his feelings or not, the gift he gave you was opening you up and letting you know what is possible. You NEEDED to have the experience of being treated well, paid attention to, and having open arms greet you. You NEEDED to know what it felt like to have a man excited to be with you and make plans with you. It’s part of your healing journey to never settle for anything less than that!!! He helped you create a new standard for how you want to be treated.
Heidi
I’m so proud of you Cindi. These “firsts” can be really difficult. It’s normal and to be expected AND you made it and you know that are going to create some new memories without him…and it will be okay!
How are you doing with all the stories that have been torturing you? The stories that he is the best thing that ever happened to you and that you are the one that messed things up and so on. Are you able to more easily stay connected and grounded to the truth of the whole situation? Are you able to keep him off of that pedestal you created for him?
Heidi
Well this makes a lot of sense. You have a VERY strong program that engages with narcissism. So when this guy started showing up that way, you immediately went into becoming what you are used to being….small and insignificant and making excuses why that was somehow okay. You stayed with a narcissist for 10 years, so you have a high level of tolerance for it. The hard part about this current guy, is you also had a lot of good, so it was confusing for you. You slipped right back into your comfortable pattern and role of being the listener and staying silent when the man demanded that of you.
It makes me question myself. It makes me feel afraid to trust someone again. It makes me lose faith in men. It makes me feel like this is how it’s going to be. It makes me feel scared that being a single mom with two kids is going to make this harder than I ever imagined. It makes me feel like he left because of the kids. I know most of these things are probably unfounded, but it’s what I’m feeling, and I’m trying to work through it. I understand all of your feelings. Of course you doubt yourself and of course you lost faith in men. You felt like you had never felt before and it turns out that even THAT was not what you thought. It’s crushing.
First and foremost, you need to focus on building self-trust first. Part of doing that, is becoming more educated. I trust myself, because I know A LOT and my skillset and knowledge helps me see someone for who they really are vs. being swept away and buying into whatever a man presents. So developing your knowledge will help you. Then working on your baggage is the 2nd part of building trust. For example, you said you KNEW things were moving too fast and he was the one initiating all of it. Well, that was a red flag and you did recognize it, but you ignored it. He was love bombing you and you fell right into it because of your wounds and your starving energy that desperately wanted to be fed by a man. As you experienced, knowing something does not matter if you are not able to put action to it. 3 years ago I had my college boyfriend enter my life again. We always had chemistry and he came into my life when I was in and out of the hospital having surgery after surgery. I was in bed most of the time and he became my entertainment. I KNEW he was not a good match for me. I KNEW every single red flag that would lead to problems. I KNEW that he was entertaining me at a time that I was having a very difficult time. Just because I knew EXACTLY what I was stepping into, my need for connection and comfort was much higher…and as expected, it brought me a lot of extra pain and frustration. So…becoming educated is JUST THE FIRST STEP. You have to do the work BELOW THE SURFACE to clear your baggage so you can take action on what you know. That’s how you build trust. It’s no different than someone wanting to lose weight and they KNOW that eating ice cream every single night will not help them lose weight, but they do it anyway. That’s what breaks self-trust – when you are not aligning with what you know, but instead doing the exact thing that prevents you from getting what you want. Does that make sense?
When you build that self-trust, THEN you can begin to build trust with a man. Because the truth is, no matter how healthy and amazing a relationship is, HE WILL BREAK YOUR TRUST and vice versa. We are human and going to mess things up. So WHEN he breaks your trust, you have your own self-trust to fall back on. When you don’t have self-trust to fall back on, your whole world ends up being turned upside down, just like you are experiencing now.
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
It sounds like he is INCREDIBLY fragile and demonstrating strong narcissistic tendencies. That basically means that there is NO room for being wrong or at fault for anything. People like that are always gaslighting….somehow turning things around to always have the blame landing on the other person and they are somehow always right and get validated by that. It’s incredibly toxic and dysfunctional and absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with that pattern. So of course you didn’t feel open and safe. He broke trust by not making you matter and making you his punching bag.
He was not giving you one of your core, fundamental needs, which was for you to feel safe – and to do that, a guy needs to create a container for the woman to express herself as well. He needs to listen, he needs to validate you, he needs to take ownership for his contribution…anything less than that will break trust and safety.
You should listen to this podcast…I found it on Spotify, but I’m sure it’s other places as well – I think it’s even on YouTube. It’s called “Know Thyself.” Listen to episode 82 with Dr. Ramani Durasula. She is one of the top experts on narcissism. She is great and I believe has 1 or 2 books about it. She really brought the narcissistic pattern to the common world and started educating many people about it. I think, at the very least, it’s good to understand and know about, so you can keep your eye out for it.
In the end though Cindi, what matters more than anything, whether you label it narcissistic or something else, how he made you feel was NOT okay. It’s NOT a dynamic that is healthy and it will literally start to steel your life force from you over time.
One of the questions I always have my clients ask themselves…Is it love to ME to love this person? Is it a loving, kind, compassionate, nourishing thing for YOU to offer your very valuable heart to this guy?? Nope. Not how he treated you as you guy navigated this challenge. There is NO WAY it’s a loving thing for YOU to be ignored, not valued, blamed, and not feeling emotionally safe with him. So…that’s not what you want to call love. Like I keep saying, it’s trauma bonding and coupling, NOT love.
Does this help? I’m sure it might have been hard for you to share this about him, because you probably knew what I would say – and it’s NOT what you want to hear. I keep trying to knock him off the pedestal you put him on and you are holding onto it for dear life and going through the normal rollercoaster ride of letting go. Thank you for sharing Cindi. Your vulnerability is beautiful!!! I’m honored to be a part of your journey through this very difficult time!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Well, I have 2 different thoughts. If I were in your situation, there would be a part of me wondering “How long is it going to take for this guy to be ready?” Obviously there is no answer to this question, because HE doesn’t even know that. But what I do know, is that I want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from being with me and I would have limited patience waiting for a guy who needs to figure his stuff out. If it’s taking sooooo long, then I would be less and less motivated to even try, no matter how great things were. So how long YOU are willing to wait around for him, is a personal thing, but it IS something to consider and think about. Because waiting for HIM, means you are putting your life on hold. So make sure that you pay attention to yourself in the meantime. Make YOUR timeline matter as well. Make YOUR feelings matter as well, not just his.
I would say to wait at least 2 weeks. Make that your goal, but also check in with yourself daily and make sure that feels okay for you. When you get to the 2 week mark, see how you feel. You might feel like you want to go longer or you might feel ready to extend an olive branch. A LOT can happen in a couple of weeks, so the most important thing to do is stay connected to how you are feeling. If you reach 2 weeks and your fear is BIG and it makes you want to reach out, face your fear instead. The ideal way to handle this whole thing is to NOT make any decisions until the fear is gone. I’m sure there are a lot of layers in it, but by facing it and growing your trust that it’s all going to work out for the best, the fear will subside and THEN…you will be sooooooo much more clear to know what you feel like doing, because fear won’t be clouding you. Does this make sense? However long it takes, take it. And if you make clearing your fear your main goal and the determining factor as to how and when you reach out, then it really puts you in a higher functioning mindset for the next best steps. Does that make sense?
Heidi
But now that he’s come back and told me he feels this way about me , only to now be asking me to postpone plans and put off seeing me to cool off from everything is in line with what you’re saying he needs to do , work this out emotionally before he comes badk. Let’s talk about this a little more. It’s a little suspect with what he is saying about NOT having feelings for his ex anymore, because he has those feelings for you. To me, he has replaced his feelings for her, with feelings for you. What I wonder, is if you were not in the picture, would he still have feelings for his ex? That’s obviously something you are him will NEVER know because that’s just not how the situation has turned, but I can tell you it would be a common thing and wouldn’t be that far off the mark. So be careful with him and BE CAUTIOUS!!! He said sooooo many things to you before and wanted a commitment with you before, but then wasn’t honest about what he was going through. No doubt he was scared and confused – as any person would be. My issue is that he didn’t communicate anything to you until YOU brought it up.
My other concern is that he says he doesn’t have feelings for you and that he wants to be with YOU, yet he is still asking for space to cool off from everything. That just means he is still in a confused place and not really sure what he wants to do. He absolutely needs some time and I’m glad he is asking for that right now. He gets points for that one!
My fear still lies in the fact that he said he knows I want a long term relationship that he needs to make sure he’s ready for , and I didn’t realize expressing that could push him away as I could see how both sides of this situation could be stressful for a man and cause him to run. I understand your fear. It’s valid AND the best way to master ANY fear, is to step into it. You DO NOT want to let fear run your life or make decisions for you. If you did NOT have any fear and you fully and completely trusted that however things turn out, you are going to be okay, then would you be spending any time trying to figure out how to influence his choice and come back to you? Nope. You would just trust in HIS process and trust that you are going to fall in love again, whether it’s with him or someone else, and all is going to work out in the way it’s meant to work out. Your desire to get techniques, to learn how to encourage him to come back to you, is being driven by your fear. When fear gets activated, our need to control the outcomes will elevate. I would like to encourage you to face your fear. Work with it, embrace it, get to know it and get control over your fear instead of letting fear control you and finding ways to have the outcome you want. Just something to think about.
I’m wondering if there’s anything I can to do invite less fear into what stepping back into a connection with me would be . So that it doesn’t feel like this massive decision that needs to be made upfront Well in a way, you have set it up that way. You want a commitment. You want a guy who is 100% available and able to offer that to you. And that’s absolutely okay to want that. And you should not accept anything less than that. But you are saying you just want him to explore with you again, which means you guys would be taking a step backwards from where you ended. That’s not really possible. You guys instantly connected and you guys really invested in each other right from the beginning. What I would suggest is to set some boundaries for how you guys connect. You could BOTH agree to set some ground rules, so as to take the pressure off of him. So maybe you guys only see each other once per week. No texting or talking in between. That’s what date night is for. No intimacy. Your goal is to just build a friendship and really take things slow. You could maybe text and invite him to a cup of coffee or to happy hour or something and then present him with this. “I understand you are in a place right now where you need some space to figure things out. I get it and I appreciate that you are asking for some time. Yes, I want to be in a long term relationship, but I also understand that you may not be ready for that right now. So I want to make a proposal. How about we completely focus on our friendship. How about we just meet up once a week and have dinner somewhere together. We can just talk about all things life and then head home. No intimacy, no texting or talking in between, other than setting up our next dinner plans. Let’s stay connected, but let’s keep it light. That way, you can still have your space and we can get to know each other again, but in a different way while also taking things a lot slower this time. Let’s commit to 8 dinner dates and then we can talk about how we BOTH are feeling at that point. What do you think?”
How does this approach feel for you? This way, you are NOT compromising on what you need and want from him. You are still getting to know him AND he still gets to have some time to process how he is feeling about everything without the pressure.
Heidi
Here are the books I recommended: They also have a TON of information, so read through their blogs and videos etc. This is an INCREDIBLE resource for you to really start to understand what a healthy relationship looks like, far beyond the feeling of love.
This book can really help you make a much stronger connection to yourself and build self-love. She offers a lot of techniques and methods to help you work through disappointments, traumas, and she also offers a lot of relationship advice on her blog. She also is a good person to learn from and is spot on! https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
There are A LOT more experts I can recommend, so if these don’t resonate for you, let me know!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! DO NOT be embarrassed at all that it hurts so much!!! It’s the beauty of your heart. For people who deeply invest, it also means that they deeply hurt as well. The hurt just shows your strength to open up and connect. The hurt just shows the value of him and what he meant to you. You loved him and you built your entire future around him, so the hurt is FAR beyond just the loss of him, it’s also about the loss of your future. You thought you were done and had finally “figured it out and done it right this time.” And that didn’t turn out to be the case and it crushes the heart. So again, be kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself. Just like if your kid came home crying and really hurt from an event at school, you wouldn’t shame them and tell them they should feel embarrassed for crying!! You would hug them. You would comfort them. You would encourage them. You would be gentle with them. YOU DESERVE THE SAME LEVEL OF LOVE!!! This is how self-love and self-esteem is built. It’s moments like these where you learn how to fill yourself up with YOUR love instead of doing what you are used to doing and outsourcing that love from a man. Does this make sense??
I can see a man being scared that jumping into a relationship could bring similar emotional pain or challenges and pressure and stress. Yes, you are 100% correct in this. Being that he is still dealing with some unresolved feelings, it means he is NOT 100% emotionally available for you in the way that you want. By stepping into a relationship with a guy that has not let go of his last love, means you are choosing to be with a guy whose heart is NOT 100% yours. You will be sharing him with her. Is that what you want?
I just want an opportunity to show how it would be with me , I need a chance. Yes, it would be different with you, but he will have problems with you as well. Just because you are a different experience doesn’t mean that you are a better experience for him. You guys have only known each other for a handful of months and it’s NOT enough time to actually know how well you guys move through life together. That takes a lot more time than 5 months.
Because I agree with everyone you’ve said and I’ve told it to myself but isn’t the best things worth fighting for and is there a way to get what I want. Let’s look at this a little more. You are agreeing with everything I am saying as you have said the same thing to yourself, but then it gets completely disregarded with the 2nd half of your statement by saying “aren’t the best things worth fighting for? They cannot BOTH exist. You cannot say that this guy needs to figure himself out and know that he is not 100% emotionally available for you and then call him the BEST experience that is worth fighting for. You guys were great for a period of time, until you weren’t. He was getting all cozied up with you, spending a TON of time with you, all while still having feelings for another woman. What does that tell you about him? You believe that is the BEST thing worth fighting for? Who knows how real it was for him. He easily could have met you, really liked you and decided to throw himself full on into a relationship with you, not because he was available for you, but because he was running from his feelings for her. It would be a way of “forcing” himself to get over his ex by being with you. It could have been a passive aggressive way of him showing her that he has moved on, knowing it might hurt her. I’m not saying any of this IS what happened. I’m just saying that the one thing you DO know, is that he had feelings for her still, all the while building a relationship with you. He KNEW he wasn’t 100% invested in you. He KNEW that his heart was not 100% yours, but didn’t say anything about it until you brought up the conversation. Who knows why he chose to do that to you, all you know is that he did and it’s exposing his lack of integrity, no matter how wonderful he is and no matter how wonderful the connection felt for you. So again, would you say that it’s the BEST thing worth fighting for when looking at it from this perspective?
I mean the course literally advertised itself as helping you to get someone back , why would the advice now be to continue this logic of he’s not chasing me so bye … Yes, I know this is how the course is advertised. What we do here in the forum though, is to help bring deeper truths to a situation and try to help a person best navigate whatever is happening…even if that means saying goodbye and NOT getting what they want. When it comes to love Laura, what you want may not actually be the best thing for you. If you were a parent and your kid was screaming at you saying “I want more cookies” would you give it to them, knowing that more cookies meant an upset stomach and a little kid bounding off the walls because of the excess sugar running in their system? I’m here making an attempt at helping you stay connected to a deeper truth of your situation.
The truth is, even if you did get him back, it DOESN’T change that he has unresolved feelings for his ex. It DOESN’T change that he mislead you. If he did that now, it means he will do it again. He wasn’t honest and authentic with you and wasn’t living in his integrity…and he will do it again and again and again until he really looks at himself and the baggage he is carrying around, that is causing him to hide himself. It’s a deeper issue going on inside of HIM, that is far beyond him having feelings for his ex. Whatever that deeper issue is that’s caused him to break his integrity, it’s an issue that you will be inviting into your life. We all have issues and baggage, of course. It’s less about the issue itself and more about what a person does with it. What makes any issue workable in a relationship, is the person owning it, learning about it, and taking ACTION to heal the hurt that is causing the issue in the first place. So while he was not honest with you and mislead you, yes he needs to figure out how he feels before entering back into your life, but MORESO – he needs to really own his lack of integrity and understand what was happening inside of him that he chose to show up that way in the first place. And then work on it so he doesn’t do that again. THAT is what it means to truly build trust in a relationship.
So all I am trying to do here, is help you connect to more than just helping you “get what you want.” As an expert, I’m seeing the huge potential for a train wreck down the road. I’m trying to warn you about what you are stepping into instead of giving you what you THINK you want. I know that what you want is to feel how it was BEFORE that conversation. It’s sooooo so powerful and beautiful and I sure don’t blame you for wanting that back. You thought you were building a future with a guy who was 100% available to you, but that just was not the case and still is not the case. He is NOT who you built him up in your mind to be. But again, if that’s what you want to fight for, I get it. I’ve done it MANY times, however when I chose to fight for a guy, I did it in an honest way with myself. I KNEW and completely owned the fact that I was fighting for a guy that not available for me in the way I wanted and I KNEW I was going to get hurt again…and I always did. But I owned my choices and made sure I was not operating under any kind of fantasy that the guy was different than who he really was.
Thoughts on all of this?
Since you are here and you want what you want, I would still recommend giving him space for a few more weeks. What he NEEDS to feel most, is the absence of you. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, right? If he is really going to know and feel the value you offer in his life, he needs to know what it means to have you completely disconnect from him, so he has complete clarity of what you mean to him. Then in a few weeks, I would recommend re-inviting him back into connection with you, by asking for his help with something. This is the 12 word text thing. You will re-connect with him by asking him for advice or asking for his help with something he knows how to do. Whatever you ask for help with, it needs to be something he is good at. If he LOVES fixing things, ask for his help to fix something broken at your place. If he is a foodie, ask for his advice about the best restaurant to take a friend to. If he is masterful at technology, ask for his help with your computer or how to use something technology related. The point is, you are activating his “hero” where he gets to come help make your life easier and then you appreciate him for it and really help him feel like he did a SUPER wonderful thing for you. This typically will open up a guy and make him want to connect more. However, I will tell you that there are plenty of guys out there that don’t respond to this, because they don’t WANT to be the girl’s hero and they don’t WANT to interact. I’m guessing this won’t be your guy, but it’s still a potential outcome and I really like to make that clear so there are no expectations that this method works every single time.
How does this approach feel to you?
Heidi
