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Hi Maria,
How are you doing? What’s happening for you in your situation? Any new developments or changes for you or for him? We would love to hear back from you and get an update on your thoughts, feelings and any more questions you might have.
Heidi
Hi Alexey,
I wanted to check in and see how everything is going. We haven’t heard back from you and would love hear what you have to say, anything new that has developed or maybe different questions that have come up for you. Let us know what’s going on for you.
Heidi
Oh that’s interesting she was able to go to Greece. Did she have a good time? Have you ever traveled there? That place is definitely on my bucket list.
What an intense relationship you had. I hope you don’t mind me asking all these questions about your past. Feel free to re-direct and say you don’t feel like talking about it! I’m wondering if, as you look back, did you see all the warning signs about what you were stepping into? You said you felt it from the beginning, but maybe I am wondering what made you choose it anyways. You felt “trapped,” but what happened for you that you finally decided you were no longer trapped and you broke free?
I’m sooooooo glad you finally got away! That’s an intense experience. You really have come such a long way since him. You are doing great work to heal and shift your beliefs and rebuild your confidence. That is NOT easy work, but you are quite persistent and figure it out, regardless, because you want healing and you want truth. Well done! Those are hard qualities to find in a person, which makes you a rare bird. Any guy would be lucky to cross paths with you Emilie and be gifted with your love.
Heidi
Hi Miss D,
First, I just want to validate what you are saying. I’m so sorry that you feel like you are being blamed and “victimized” and that somehow you got the story from what I said, that he deserves better and that somehow I am on his side. That would feel absolutely awful for you. I hope you can have a little patience here. Everything you are feeling is not what I was actually saying, however I can see why you are taking it the way you are. I was not effective in how I said what I said and it’s people like you that speak up, that are the best teachers to help me learn how to be better, so thank you for your feelings. Trying to coach and offer guidance over this platform of the computer, means that sometimes what we are saying as coaches gets interpreted in ways that is completely opposite of what we are actually meaning. If we were face to face or having an actual conversation, I would be able to know and see how you are receiving what I am saying and be able to correct how I say things immediately so there are no misunderstandings. So my deepest apologies that you are having this experience. If you are that offended and do not wish to keep working this through, I’m happy to talk to someone so you can get a refund. If however, you wish to continue and work this through, I’m happy to do that with you as well. Just let me know what you would prefer.
In the meantime, I will do my best to address your specific feelings and see if I can say things in a different way that will be more helpful.
Firstly you haven’t given me any advice on how to change my mindset so I don’t have hope with him and can be JUST FRIENDS 😔 I have not given you any specific advice as to how to be friends yet, as I was not feeling or clear that it was a path you were even willing to take. Some people just are not willing to go there and want what they want, so I have to take a different route of guidance with them.
It also seems like you’re on HIS side and think clearly I’m not worth his time and he deserves better. I’m not sure what specifically I said to caused you to believe that as it wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind. What I DO believe about you, is that you have the gift of a giant heart. You love deeply and easily and when you love, it is with everything you’ve got. Some people may not see that as a gift, but from all the work I do, I KNOW it is NOT an ability that most people have. There really is something different and special about people that love the way you do. It’s powerful, it’s transformative and it is definitely something that we need more of in this world, especially now. The thing is, our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses – always. Whether our gifts are serving us or hurting us, all depends on the situation. So your gift of being able to love in the way you do, will help you bring some amazing things into a relationship and it hinders you in the way that you “fall easily.” Your gift, your heart, is sacred and needs to be protected. Your capacity for love means that you are someone who will be better served by going slower and being more cautious before opening the flood gates. Because once the flood gates to your heart opens, it would be impossible to stop it. So you want to be careful who you open your heart to. With that being said, I have no doubt that any man who comes into your life would be lucky to be able to have that kind of love in their life.
Secondly how dare you say I haven’t been dealt bad cards and implied I am the reason bad things have happened to me! First, I want to say that I’m truly sorry for everything you have been through. It’s a lot and it’s very very hard. I hope you were able to get some help along the way to help you process all the loss, the hurt and the tears that would come with events such as those. The fact that you are still able to keep an open heart and still want to love deeply, is exactly why I know your heart is a gift. Most people, would have shut down more and become less available, whereas you are still interested in having a deep and meaningful love with a man.
Second, I didn’t mean to come across with a “blaming” type of perspective, but I can definitely see why you would feel that way. Let me see if I can say it in a different way.
It’s NOT your “fault” what has happened in your life and I didn’t mean for you to feel that way. It’s not any of our faults what show up in our lives. We all have a lot of gunk we carry and it gets expressed in our world in many difficult ways and most people have no clue why, how or what they are doing to have such difficulties show up. Everyone is doing the best they know how with the information they have access to. There is a way to understand patterns and things that do show up in our lives, but that means diving deeper into the subconscious. I am happy to teach you some of that, if you are interested. It’s empowering actually. It helps you become sooooo much more aware of your own patterns as well as be able to see deeper aspects of the guys you are dating without them even telling you. Here is just a super small aspect of us: our subconscious can process somewhere around 30 billion bits of information PER SECOND. Our conscious is only able to process around 1/10th of that information. This means that the vast majority of what we choose and what shows up in our lives, is being run by the subconscious parts of ourselves and not the conscious part – which to me is fascinating! AND it’s incredibly frustrating at the same time. That’s why I have spent my life learning and studying the subconscious. I had soooooo many messed up patterns and experiences in my life, that I had to find a way to shift what was happening to me. And I did. The second half of my life is completely different than the first half and it was because I became aware of and connected to what lived in me on the deepest levels. That’s what I meant about you carrying thoughts, emotions, beliefs that attracted certain experiences into your life. It’s coming from the deeper place you don’t have access to nor understand – it’s not your fault – it’s just how life is and it’s how every single one of us gets to go through life. It’s why many people who have been abused growing up, end up hooking up with abusers in their adult lives. It’s why many children of alcholics also become alcoholics. It’s why children who were sexually abused, end up becoming sexual abusers as adults. The subconscious is incredibly powerful.
Bottom line is, it’s not your fault what has happened. You are doing the very best you know how and that is enough. However, I know the results are not what you want. That’s where diving deeper in the subconscious and discover some of your thoughts, beliefs and patterns around love can shift what is happening in your life and who you end up being attracted to. Again, I am happy to share with you ways to do that. Just ask.
I hope this helped you understand a little more about what I meant to convey. I will wait to hear back from you to see if you are willing to forgive my ineffectiveness and continue to stay here on the forum. You lead me in what you would like to do next.
Heidi
Hi Monique!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It was wonderful!
Yes, it was a bit much and over the top. It’s okay though! You truly wanted him to know how you felt and you definitely accomplished that. I loved how you were just authentic and being yourself. Now that you have done that, you can release it. It’s a positive and loving message and even if he doesn’t respond right now, you have planted a seed and poured a lot of goodness into him – and that is ALWAYS healing, even if we never see the result of that. So now you can let this go, know you put kindness and love out to him and that’s enough.
Do you feel okay about moving on now? Where are YOU at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your thoughts and challenges with us!
It looks like you are still attracting the same kind of guy that fits your pattern. You seem to really invite emotionally unavailable men and this guy is no exception. You made the intention with your therapist ” I promised myself I’ll set personal boundaries by making my expectations of a healthy relationship known to the man who wanted to date me.” What has happened to this? Continuing to try to make things work with this guy is NOT in alignment with that statement. He is emotionally unavailable and you want to compromise your boundary. What is happening for you that you are willing to negotiate away your standards?
I understand you connected deeper with this guy and it’s extremely difficult to pull away. I understand your need to re-connect and do the relationship differently. The reality is though, he is not capable. It’s not about being better at communicating or changing behaviors. This guy has a lot of unresolved feelings and emotions about women and his family. The fact that you guys were talking about marriage and moving in together just after a few months and barely knowing each other, also tells me you both are rushing into things – the faster you rush into things – the faster it can crash and burn. He has already shown you, in just 2 months, 3 different times, that he cannot commit, he is not ready and he doesn’t feel good about himself. That’s A LOT of times in a very short period. HE IS NOT READY! It’s really important for you to grasp this and truly listen to him. He cannot offer you what you want – at least not right now. You want a healthy relationship, but that means you have to fight for that – and that means saying no to a guy who can’t support your vision, even though you have strong feelings for him. You have to love yourself more and love your vision more than him. He doesn’t fit with who he is today. He needs A LOT of time to process whatever he is going through – and NOT do it while in a serious relationship. It mucks things up and only prolongs the process.
If you want to give it a 4th attempt, go for it! Expect he will pull away again, no matter what you do to try and improve the relationship. The issue isn’t within the relationship, it’s within in and he has to be willing to face himself, alone, if he is ever going to resolve what he needs to.
I know this is not what you want to hear, so let’s keep talking this through!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
I understand that being friends with him is going to be hard. Realistically, it’s pretty impossible to be “friends” as long as you continue to have feelings and hope with him. He may believe he has no intention of dating anyone seriously, but anything could happen. It’s very possible he meets someone else and it gets serious. It doesn’t mean he was lying, even though it might feel that way. You have to get your mindset correct in that you truly are JUST FRIENDS. It doesn’t mean you start talking about other people either of you is dating. You have to try it out for a bit and see how it goes. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is to honor yourself and make sure you are meeting your needs. Being friends right now, really may not be possible for you. Maybe it is. Go with the flow and make sure you are honoring how you are feeling. Yes, start dating other people. He doesn’t need to know about it. You need to move on with your life and not wait for him.
I feel like I have been dealt unlucky cards in life and every time this happens it crushes my spirits that little bit more and it really is heartbreaking. I just want to bring some awareness around this mindset you have. You have NOT been dealt bad cards. You have CHOSEN each and every man and invited them into your life. Like I said earlier, who we choose to invite into our deeper worlds, are reflections of us, so if you have been choosing men who are not available for you, men who don’t treat you well, mean who don’t truly value you, then understand that they are like mirrors to the energy you carry inside. That energy acts like a beacon to the men who will treat you the way you treat yourself. Let’s explore this a little further. Do you honor your needs really well? Do you love yourself, even when you are at your worst? Would you want to fall in love with you if you were a guy? When you are hurting, how do you handle it? I have a sense you might be quite critical towards yourself, but I might be wrong. My guess is, you probably didn’t grow up with a lot of love in your life and instead experienced a lot of rejection and a very controlling environment. My guess is, you might have learned to stay quiet and just do what you were told and you had to keep all of your emotions inside, because it wasn’t safe to feel. These are just guesses. Looking forward to exploring this a little further with you, if you are willing.
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused. He IS sending mixed signals and your red flags sound appropriate. I am wondering if he started dating someone else. Maybe an ex came back into his life when he went back home.
Have you ever tried to directly ask him? Something like “I can’t help but notice that you are not interested in me visiting you, we talk quite a bit less than we used to and it just feels like you are far less engaged than before. I have to be honest and let you know that I’m starting to question our connection. It feels like we have different mindsets now that you have moved back. Can we please talk about this? It would be helpful to gain some understanding other than constantly hearing the “I’m busy” excuse. It feels like something else might be going on and I thought that maybe if we just are completely honest with each other, we can get onto the same page somehow.”
It seems you have indirectly asked him, but not directly and it really may be time for that. You have to be willing to hear him and listen to whatever it is that he has to say though. It’s risky because you may hear something you don’t want to hear. If he avoids it and doesn’t really answer, that’s information you need to know about him then and you have some decisions to make.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Everyone is really struggling right now about the travel thing. There is a “trapped” feeling starting to emerge, especially because of the holidays. Even traveling within the U.S. is not so easy, so people are starting to get stir crazy and more irritable than normal. The holidays will be really interesting this year. I know that all the different types of trailers people can pull behind their cars or even RVs are all being rented out. People are going on road trips now! The travel industry has definitely changed!
That’s interesting that you felt it from the beginning about that relationship. You said he and his mom was manipulating you. How? What were they manipulating?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing more details and more of your feelings. I’m getting a clearer picture and help me better offer ideas for you.
I don’t get how if he likes me he wouldn’t just want to date again. It’s important to understand that men are VERY different than women when it comes to love. For most men, career and their job is THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of their lives. For women, relationships are the most important. Women are the caretakers of love and relationships (generally speaking). I have found over and over and over again, that is a man’s life is not squared away with his job, his ability to produce and feeling settled and confident in his life, he is NO GOOD in a relationship – especially when just meeting someone. It’s just too much for them. They are the “providers” so to speak and when their life is not in good order, deep down, they tend to feel they are not of value to a woman. Most of the time, they are not even consciously aware of those feelings. All they know is they just can’t do the dating or relationship thing, no matter how great the woman is. In fact, the better the woman, the faster they will pull away. None of this makes sense to most women, because we just run our lives very differently. Although you may not understand, what is MOST important is to respect HIS process, do what you can to understand it more from HIS perspective and support him – if you want to keep him in your life. That’s what being a good friend looks like and that is FOUNDATIONAL to any successful romantic relationship.
but I am desperate to just find love and be happy with someone. I’m wondering why you are desperate. What’s happening for you?? This energy, in and of itself, can drive a man away faster than the speed of light. You may think you are not putting off that energy, but most men can sniff out that energy in a hot second no matter how much a woman is trying to mask it. This is NOT a healthy energy to go into a relationship with. Essentially, any time we are desperate for anything, it’s telling us we feel empty somehow inside and we are trying to fill up that hole with something on the outside of us instead of facing that emptiness head on and healing what is causing it. The type of men we attract is reflective of the energy we carry inside of us. The one common denominator between all these guys you are attracting that are not so great, is you. You are the one choosing them and inviting them into your life on deeper levels. I work with a lot of people on improving their “picker” because it is a common challenge people face. We work on clearing past hurts and wounds and then who they attract into their lives, completely changes. It sounds like it may be a good time to work on some deeper stuff and do another level of clearing out the baggage you are carrying. A good entry point is really diving deep into this very high need to fall in love.
I guess I was hoping there would be some sort of magic phrase or something you’d suggest to get him back because waiting for him to change his mind is really hard! If you want a healthy, respectful and loving relationship, patience is part of it. There will be a million times throughout a relationship where you will just have to wait for your partner. The lack of patience is again something that is within you. Learning to feel good, grounded, balanced and centered in your life, despite what your partner is going through, is SO CRUCIAL to a healthy relationship. He is willing to offer you a friendship at this point, so you can either view that as not enough or you can view it as a great gift. It’s your choice.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Miss D,
I understand. You felt like there was something there and I do not discount that all. The thing is, I find most people really get wrapped up in the “connection” feeling and the pleasure of it all that they end up discounting all the other things that may be telling them to run the other way. That feeling of “connection” is soooooo darn strong when it shows up. I don’t blame you at all for wanting him back!
I don’t know what happened to you, but since you fall easily and get hurt easily, this may be something you want to explore further. These kinds of patterns have a TON of information for you to work with inside yourself. Forgiveness and healing and releasing your past is soooooo important if you want to have a healthy, long lasting, loving relationship. have you ever explored these patterns further for yourself?
I suggest to stay friends with him. It’s your best chance at getting your foot back in the door. It also means really respecting him and supporting him by giving him the space he is asking for right now. Anything can happen, so developing your friendship is a REALLY great way of building a good solid foundation with him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Monique!
Welcome! You are asking a great question.
I’m glad he responded! You definitely want it to be something you genuinely want help with. Is there any advice you can ask him for? Does he have any hobbies you want to learn more about? Is there anything he might be able to help you fix?
So I’m not super clear about what the status is with you guys. Are you guys talking frequently now? Is he reaching out at all or are you the only one initiating? Has there been any direct conversation about your relationship and where it’s going?
The most important aspect to you keeping a man interested, is to feel and be interesting yourself. Meaning, if you are someone you would date, then you have it nailed. The fact that you are concerned and wondering how to keep him interested, tells me that you don’t fully and completely KNOW that you are just that. Someone who KNOWS they are interesting would not be concerned trying to keep the attention of a man. Someone who KNOWS they are worth fighting for, does not bother with someone who doesn’t view them that way. If he doesn’t remain interested or engaged with you, it’s most likely more because of his fears, his sabotage and his concerns than it would be about you. Basically, is living with the energy of knowing that you are a catch. Whether or not he believes that, doesn’t matter. Whether or not he chooses you, it doesn’t change your value. When you carry and live your life with that kind of energy, people in general will be highly attracted to you because people LOVE to be around someone who loves themselves and has confidence and a high amount of self respect.
Thoughts?
heidi
I get it! The pressure is off now and you guys get to be more natural and relaxed. You did a good job explaining. Now you guys can just be yourselves and be friendly – with no strings attached. At the very least, you got a wonderful new floor out of it!!! lol
I can’t imagine you with a guy who doesn’t like to travel! You are quite an expansive, adventurous, intelligent person….travel is part of keeping you entertained and exposed to the wonderful varieties and spice of life. There are things that travel can offer that nothing else can. How come you stayed with him for 4 years? I imagine you knew it was going to end long before that.
Heidi
“Just wishing good day or evening asking how we are and kiss almost once a day.” What does it mean when you say you kiss almost once a day? I know you don’t mean it literally, but I am curious what it does mean.
You are right…whether he was conscious of it or not, doesn’t mean it didn’t affect the relationship. We have somewhere around 30 billion bits of information our subconscious is processing PER SECOND! Isn’t that crazy??? So….much of who we are, what we do, how we receive things – are being influenced by what we carry in the subconscious. That’s why I am sooooo fascinated by the subconscious and have focused much of my training on interpreting all the signals that come from that place – there really is a language of the subconscious that gets expressed through our thoughts, behaviors, patterns etc. and if you can understand those….you know what you are TRULY dealing with vs. being led by the conscious – which is able to grasp 1/10th of the information coming in.
So he doesn’t speak English? Tell me what that means to you. And tell me what it means to you that he hasn’t traveled much.
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! I’m really sorry to hear this! It’s so disappointing and really hard to let go of someone you feel safe with. It’s a rare thing for some people, which it sounds like you might be one of them.
Let’s dig into this a little deeper. I understand you guys got along really well. Did you have sex? Was he initiating equally, if not more than you? Do you really accept that this was the truth for him or do you feel it’s just an excuse? I imagine he did it over text, yes? How often did you guys hang out? How did you meet?
I also want to bring in a little reality here as well. You are saying you want him “back.” Reality is, it doesn’t sound like you ever had him to begin with. Yes, you got along well, but if he admitted to reaching out because he was lonely and if he is in an unstable situation with work and money etc., a good time is all he was truly able to offer and not much more. As good as he may have felt for you, my guess is, the longer you hung out, you would have discovered he wasn’t someone who could be emotionally available for you on all levels. This is what you want, yes? I know you felt like you could trust him, but you wouldn’t really know that about him, as there wasn’t enough time to see him in all kinds of situations to know if that was actually true.
Thoughts?
Heidi
