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Hi Eva,
Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s completely shocking and I can see why you are so confused and so completely dismayed.
All that happened was that his emotions and desire to connect with you were activated by the idea of losing you. The idea of losing you to another man activated his need to re-connect. My guess is, had you never told him about the date, he wouldn’t have pursued you the way he did. Feelings are super tricky when it comes to romance. Just because there are feelings, it doesn’t mean they are actually true. Our desires and feelings to connect with someone, many times, can come from wounded places and not from an authentic solid place where truth exists. For example, I KNOW I have been attracted to certain men because at the time, I was feeling lonely. If I didn’t feel lonely, the attraction and desire to connect with them would not be there. Learning to differentiate where the feelings are coming from, is quite the art form. So his desire to re-connect and be exclusive again, was coming from a place of scarcity. He wouldn’t know this though. So once he got you, the desire went away, because the fear showed up again. Does this make sense?
As far as your part in this, you were really giving your power away. You kept handing the power of the relationship into HIS hands by saying in various ways “I decided to be frank with him and said that if he really wants to be with me he needs to say it in a language that I can understand, with no ambiguity.” The truth is, YOU were ambiguous. You were NOT clear about getting back together. You needed him to CONVINCE you that he was ready. If you needed convincing, then you were not clear yourself. The thing is, there is no way that in this short time of separation that he would have cleared everything about his divorce. Yes, you know what you want and you are very clear about that, which is great! That’s so important. However, by putting him in the position of needing to convince you that he really wanted an exclusive relationship, is basically putting you in a power-over position – a mother like energy – kind of like you standing there over him, skeptical, waiting for him to say the right thing to convince you he is being honest and is really ready. That dynamic, in an of itself, would tell you that YOU are truly not ready to be with HIM. He needs to earn your trust back through actions and words, not just words and not through convincing you. He needs to SHOW you he is more healed and truly ready for the kind of relationship you are wanting. You wanted him to jump right back into being exclusive when there was no evidence that it was healthy for BOTH of you. You needed him to “prove” it to you and “convince” you because something deeper inside of you was trying to tell you that you were not aligned with him and where he was at. You also telling him about your date was also most likely a way to get him to fight for you on some level – a way to maybe make him jealous. The thing is, it worked! It works all the time actually. It caught his attention, but again, his attention wasn’t coming from a clear space, because he is not clear himself yet.
Hopefully I didn’t confuse you more. I always like to encourage people to look at their own part in a situation, above and beyond how the other person contributed. This way, your own awareness of yourself and your needs and how you go about meeting them, can empower you even more for the next time around. It’s just a way of getting to know yourself deeper. Make sense?
Heidi
Wow! What a complete difference compared to your ex. How you talk about this new guy is completely different too. You are softer it seems. I love that you keep the door open to have new experiences and that you are feeling different parts of yourself. That is one of the beauties of dating….we get to see many sides to ourselves! I love that feeling of familiarity with someone. It makes everything much more cozy and easy. The flow can be much easier when there is just a natural comfort level that exists between 2 people that just met. If you believe in past lives, then you probably are familiar to each other from another time. I imagine you met through a dating app, yes? How did everything start between you guys? Do you want kids? If yes, how many do you imagine?
Your story about your ex is really fascinating. How horrible for you to have to be sick and in the hospital and yet all he was focused on was himself and how you were being dramatic. YUK!!! I’m sooooooo glad you eventually got away. Every single person I know has some story of a horrible relationship they were in. It seems like it’s almost a right of passage or a requirement for each person. It’s like we all have to go through at least 1 super shitty relationship in life before we can get to the good stuff. Some people never make it out of that pattern. I’m glad you are not one of them!
Heidi
Hi Baily,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your struggle. It’s sooooooo dam hard watching someone that you love, slip out of your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s a very powerless feeling.
I understand he is what you want and he feels like a “forever” person to you. I understand you don’t want to feel regret and that you want to do everything you can to fight for this. I want to encourage you to slow down. Regret is just a state of mind and can be healed. If you lose this guy, there will be another one, if you allow for that. So the deeper truth is, everything will work out and you will be okay, if that is the mindset and the story you want to embrace for your life. I also know it’s much easier said than done. Whenever we are dealing with our fears, it’s important to do whatever we can to counteract those fears with the truth. Fear is just a lie that we are CHOOSING to believe. There are always many perspectives and stories to create around whatever event is happening. The more positive story we attach to, the more positive the outcome. It doesn’t always mean that we get what we want, but we ALWAYS get what we need. Just something to think about.
With that being said, it sounds like maybe he felt smothered. It sounds like he needed some space and he wasn’t asking for it. Something important to understand about men, is that their ability to “produce” and be successful in their lives is HUGELY important. It defines the core of who they are. For women, the core of who we are is based on the quality of our relationships. It’s one of the core, fundamental differences between men and women. Men need to produce, women are the caretakers of relationships – generally speaking, of course. So it sounds like he doesn’t feel very settled in his ability to “produce” in his life. It’s pretty common that when men feel this way, they are pretty terrible in relationships. They are distracted and the job or their ability to produce, becomes the #1 priority for them and the relationship can start to feel more stressful. They don’t want to think about the relationship and trying to meet someone else’s needs…they just want to think about themselves and try to get their productivity to the level they want…and THEN they can be more available. From what you are saying, it sounds like this may be what is happening. With you being around all of the time, it may have caused him to feel like he couldn’t focus on what he needs and that he needed to pay attention to you instead. Just a guess from what the roommate said and you saying that you were over there quite often.
Would you say that he is a good communicator? Does he share how he feels with you? Does he share his inner world with you? Or is he the type to be more quiet about what is going on in his life?
For now, the very first thing you need to do is give him space. He needs to know that you are able to respect and honor his needs right now. Are you able to do that?
Heidi
I’m glad to see you got re-connected here!
Wow! So the borders are closed maybe until next year?? Yikes! Is this the cause of your depression? What’s happening for you? It really is the BEST time to write. Kanya and I are here for you and maybe just typing it out would help get the energy moving. I’m hoping things are still going well with your guy. Hope to hear from you soon.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Wow! What a great conversation! It was honest, deep, kind and just 2 people explaining where they are at and agreeing about the next best steps without harmful or harsh words….just respect. Your next phase sounds great! You both agreed and as long as you are on the same page, that’s all the matters. Just remember, that can change at any moment, at least in the beginning. You both still have feelings for each other so the “friends” part, even with the best intentions, can get quite mucky. It’s not until you BOTH feel indifferent towards each other, that friendship can actually be achieved. So in essence, navigating “friendship” when there are still some romantic feelings present for either of you, can be quite tricky. Did you guys discuss at all what your “friendship” means and how to be friends? What to expect? What does a friendship mean to him compared to what it means to you?
On your end, I suggest really letting him go completely. When you kill off all hope, it will help you completely heal and completely deal with the loss of him. This way, it creates a clean slate for the next man, even if it is him coming back into your life. He has some deeper healing to do and I have a lot of respect for him that he is getting some help with that. It still takes some time and will be awhile before he is truly available for anyone, so it’s best that you really let go of the idea of being with him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
If you canceled your membership, then yes, it should not renew after the free trial, but you should still have access until the end of the free trial.
Digging deeper inside of yourself takes many different shapes. There really are countless methods of healing that you can do yourself as well as a gazillion methods you can do with a specialist. Personally, both are critical to creating the life you want. I do a lot of self work, pretty much daily AND when I get to some bigger triggers and run into some blocks and fears I am not able to get past, I have different people I will work with to help me.
I love that you have decided to see your ability to love as a strength. Just a quick question. Do you feel you are sensitive to people’s emotions? Do you tend to feel all emotions pretty intensely? Would you say you are a “sensitive” kind of person?
I do have some advice about navigating the dating apps, but I will better be able to offer guidance after you answer these questions.
Heidi
Hi Lea,
I’m really glad to hear you are comfortable having your feelings and letting them out. Good job! You are definitely on the path to healing! It’s going to take some time, of course, but how you are handling everything is so beautiful and honoring of both you and him and there is no better way to heal.
Here are a few tips that might work for you.
1. Whenever you feel like you want to share your day with him, talk into your phone recorder. With one ex that I had, when I broke up, it was so intense and I had soooooo much I wanted to say, so I carried a recorder around with me and I said everything I ever wanted to say to him. It was extremely helpful. Sometimes I was telling him how much I loved him and other times I was just really angry. It’s another version of a “journal” and can really help keep the energy moving and flowing out of your mind and body.
2. At night, create a few different plans of activities that are really nourishing for you that fill you up. So maybe it’s snuggling up with your favorite pjs and watching a movie you haven’t seen in awhile, maybe it’s activating your creativity somehow (I have a coloring book that I love – here is one that is designed to call in the love of your life – it’s quite spectacular – https://www.amazon.com/Inkspirations-Love-Design-Coloring-Manifest/dp/0757319696/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=arielle+ford+coloring+book&qid=1601048926&sr=8-1) Or maybe cook some new, fun recipes, or paint or something of that nature. Maybe go on a long walk in a beautiful area or light some candles and take a bath. The point is, it’s really helpful to have something to look forward to, when there is loss. Really commit to loving and nourishing yourself every single day right now!
Hope this helps a bit!
Heidi
Hi Ck,
Welcome! We are super glad you are here and sharing your confusion with us. There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s see if we can find some clarity and help you feel more confident about what is happening.
First, I just want to say that although you feel an incredible connection with him, it’s important to also remember that it’s not enough. A healthy, sustainable and nourishing relationship requires certain skills and qualities in BOTH people and from what you are saying and how he handling this, he just doesn’t possess those qualities or skills AT THIS TIME. He may at some point, but who he is today, is not that person, regardless of the connection and how amazing you guys are together.
Also, I always coach people to choose their person according to the WORST of who they are, not the best. Until you have seen someone in their worst, you don’t really know who they are and if they are a safe person. You are learning very quickly that who he is under stress is someone who disconnects and breaks intimacy. It’s VERY common that when people start to get what they want, they will ruin it because they are not set up emotionally, for success. We can talk about this concept further if you like.
He has told me that he thinks I am too good for him, and that I am high maintenance in a good way, and that he may never be the man I would need him to be. He says that he may never want to leave his comfort zone. This is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! Any person that says or believes “you are too good for me” in some form or fashion is carrying A LOT of low self esteem. That type of low self-esteem is desinged to sabotage happiness. He may say he wants to be happy and may know what he wants consciously, but deeper down is a way more powerful belief and program that says “You don’t deserve to be happy and I will make sure you never are.” That kind of low self-esteem is extremely stubborn and pretty impossible to be in relationship with, because they are always creating some form of disconnect to ruin intimacy and happiness.
He has been everything I have been asking for, and the love we have is so sweet but now he resists it all on every level. It sounds like you really opened the flood gates to your heart without really understanding who he really is. The truth is, he IS NOT everything you have been asking for. It sounds like he is as long as he is in his best self, but in his lower self, he runs. I imagine you did not ask for this, correct? Like I said above, you can’t truly say or know that you love someone until you have seen them in their worst and you KNOW that even in that space, you respect them and you feel safe with them.
because I am always going to have the hope that he and I will eventually end up together. and I know that hope can leave me to become so unhappy when he decides to be with someone else and I am just sitting there being his “friend” It doesn’t have to be this way. You do NOT always have to carry that hope. It’s your choice if you want to hold onto the fantasy you have created around him or to release it. You guys barely know each other and yet you are already predicting that you will “always” hope to be together again someday. Are you sure you want to invest your dreams and ideas around a guy who has such low self esteem that he breaks up with you???
I have been so careful to not fall in love with the wrong man that is why I have been pretty much single all these years. Hmmm….tell me more about this. What is the “wrong” guy?
And he has as well, but he tells me it is because he gave up on women. he said that meeting me and being with me has changed his mind about women, but he said I still did things that reminded him of other women and that is why he doesnt see himself with me Another REALLY BIG red flag here. A guy who has “given up on women” is a guy who is not forgiving and processing or dealing with his hurt. Instead, he is being a victim and blaming women for his hurt and his beliefs. He would rather just give up on women so he doesn’t have to hurt anymore, than to face the pain of whatever has happened and allow each woman to be a great teacher in his life. He doesn’t come to the table with a clean slate – in his mind, you have a million things wrong with you, just because you are a woman and he is not willing to risk dealing with it again. This kind of guy is not capable of having an intimate relationship in a healthy way. He is quite emotionally fragile actually. He is NOT the kind of guy you want to have as your teammate as he gives up – as evidenced by his choice to break up. He gets an opportunity to be happy with a woman and shatter all his old, negative beliefs about a woman and instead of working through that and letting you show him you are a NEW experience, he decides to breakup. He is 100% accurate when he says he is not ready for a relationship and he cannot be what you want. LISTEN TO HIM!!! He is truly being honest and accurate when he says that. It sounds like he would rather find someone more low functioning than him so he can be the hero and feel good about himself. That’s great! He should be doing that! It’s just not you. It sounds like you activate his low self esteem more than anything because of you being higher functioning on an emotional level than him.
He’s split though. A part of him wants to be friends because you are also reminding him of his higher self. His other side, the low self esteem side, is stronger though. That’s why he can friends but not lovers. Friends is safer for him. It’s less risky and he won’t have to face so much about himself. To put it bluntly, there really is an aspect here where he is just using you to try and feel good without really putting in the work to build a healthy relationship. I doubt he is conscious of it though. He is doing the very best he knows how. It’s up to you as to whether or not you want to participate in that kind of design.
How does this all feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for receiving my apologies! It really means a lot to me.
I’m sorry you feel it’s too late. I don’t understand why that’s true for you, but if there is a little time left on your membership, we can take advantage of the time left and explore this futher. I would love that, but also understand if you feel complete and would like to move on.
I wish you the very best!!
Heidi
Hi Lea,
You have such a great outlook on life!
I want to encourage you to be careful not to bypass your feelings. Meaning, if anger or hurt comes up, if you just skip to trying to be positive without really connecting and working WITH the hurt first, you end up not really clearing those negative emotions. It’s called bypassing. Those intense, heavier emotions are important and have many messages for you, so it’s really important to spend some time with them. It’s not about dwelling – that’s more letting those emotions take over. Instead, working WITH them and transformin them is healing…that way they don’t get buried only to pop up at some future time. I’m not sure if that is what you are doing or not, but just wanted to mention it, just in case. We can talk about it a lot more if you want…just let us know!
Loneliness is hard, isn’t it? After a breakup, there is a hole and a new identity you have to create. It’s hard. I LOVE that you did something new for your hair. I LOVE that you journaling. You are doing some amazing things to connect to yourself. It’s not easy, but you sure are building your inner strength and character by handling it in the way you are. Well done!
Tell us more about you feeling lonely. When do you feel it? Meaning, do you notice it at the end of the day? Or maybe when you drive by somewhere? Or maybe all throughout the day there are moments you really miss him? What are the thoughts that show up when you feel lonely? Lets talk about this more.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
How are you doing? What’s happening for you in your situation? Any new developments or changes for you or for him? We would love to hear back from you and get an update on your thoughts, feelings and any more questions you might have.
Heidi
Hi Alexey,
I wanted to check in and see how everything is going. We haven’t heard back from you and would love hear what you have to say, anything new that has developed or maybe different questions that have come up for you. Let us know what’s going on for you.
Heidi
Oh that’s interesting she was able to go to Greece. Did she have a good time? Have you ever traveled there? That place is definitely on my bucket list.
What an intense relationship you had. I hope you don’t mind me asking all these questions about your past. Feel free to re-direct and say you don’t feel like talking about it! I’m wondering if, as you look back, did you see all the warning signs about what you were stepping into? You said you felt it from the beginning, but maybe I am wondering what made you choose it anyways. You felt “trapped,” but what happened for you that you finally decided you were no longer trapped and you broke free?
I’m sooooooo glad you finally got away! That’s an intense experience. You really have come such a long way since him. You are doing great work to heal and shift your beliefs and rebuild your confidence. That is NOT easy work, but you are quite persistent and figure it out, regardless, because you want healing and you want truth. Well done! Those are hard qualities to find in a person, which makes you a rare bird. Any guy would be lucky to cross paths with you Emilie and be gifted with your love.
Heidi
Hi Miss D,
First, I just want to validate what you are saying. I’m so sorry that you feel like you are being blamed and “victimized” and that somehow you got the story from what I said, that he deserves better and that somehow I am on his side. That would feel absolutely awful for you. I hope you can have a little patience here. Everything you are feeling is not what I was actually saying, however I can see why you are taking it the way you are. I was not effective in how I said what I said and it’s people like you that speak up, that are the best teachers to help me learn how to be better, so thank you for your feelings. Trying to coach and offer guidance over this platform of the computer, means that sometimes what we are saying as coaches gets interpreted in ways that is completely opposite of what we are actually meaning. If we were face to face or having an actual conversation, I would be able to know and see how you are receiving what I am saying and be able to correct how I say things immediately so there are no misunderstandings. So my deepest apologies that you are having this experience. If you are that offended and do not wish to keep working this through, I’m happy to talk to someone so you can get a refund. If however, you wish to continue and work this through, I’m happy to do that with you as well. Just let me know what you would prefer.
In the meantime, I will do my best to address your specific feelings and see if I can say things in a different way that will be more helpful.
Firstly you haven’t given me any advice on how to change my mindset so I don’t have hope with him and can be JUST FRIENDS 😔 I have not given you any specific advice as to how to be friends yet, as I was not feeling or clear that it was a path you were even willing to take. Some people just are not willing to go there and want what they want, so I have to take a different route of guidance with them.
It also seems like you’re on HIS side and think clearly I’m not worth his time and he deserves better. I’m not sure what specifically I said to caused you to believe that as it wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind. What I DO believe about you, is that you have the gift of a giant heart. You love deeply and easily and when you love, it is with everything you’ve got. Some people may not see that as a gift, but from all the work I do, I KNOW it is NOT an ability that most people have. There really is something different and special about people that love the way you do. It’s powerful, it’s transformative and it is definitely something that we need more of in this world, especially now. The thing is, our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses – always. Whether our gifts are serving us or hurting us, all depends on the situation. So your gift of being able to love in the way you do, will help you bring some amazing things into a relationship and it hinders you in the way that you “fall easily.” Your gift, your heart, is sacred and needs to be protected. Your capacity for love means that you are someone who will be better served by going slower and being more cautious before opening the flood gates. Because once the flood gates to your heart opens, it would be impossible to stop it. So you want to be careful who you open your heart to. With that being said, I have no doubt that any man who comes into your life would be lucky to be able to have that kind of love in their life.
Secondly how dare you say I haven’t been dealt bad cards and implied I am the reason bad things have happened to me! First, I want to say that I’m truly sorry for everything you have been through. It’s a lot and it’s very very hard. I hope you were able to get some help along the way to help you process all the loss, the hurt and the tears that would come with events such as those. The fact that you are still able to keep an open heart and still want to love deeply, is exactly why I know your heart is a gift. Most people, would have shut down more and become less available, whereas you are still interested in having a deep and meaningful love with a man.
Second, I didn’t mean to come across with a “blaming” type of perspective, but I can definitely see why you would feel that way. Let me see if I can say it in a different way.
It’s NOT your “fault” what has happened in your life and I didn’t mean for you to feel that way. It’s not any of our faults what show up in our lives. We all have a lot of gunk we carry and it gets expressed in our world in many difficult ways and most people have no clue why, how or what they are doing to have such difficulties show up. Everyone is doing the best they know how with the information they have access to. There is a way to understand patterns and things that do show up in our lives, but that means diving deeper into the subconscious. I am happy to teach you some of that, if you are interested. It’s empowering actually. It helps you become sooooo much more aware of your own patterns as well as be able to see deeper aspects of the guys you are dating without them even telling you. Here is just a super small aspect of us: our subconscious can process somewhere around 30 billion bits of information PER SECOND. Our conscious is only able to process around 1/10th of that information. This means that the vast majority of what we choose and what shows up in our lives, is being run by the subconscious parts of ourselves and not the conscious part – which to me is fascinating! AND it’s incredibly frustrating at the same time. That’s why I have spent my life learning and studying the subconscious. I had soooooo many messed up patterns and experiences in my life, that I had to find a way to shift what was happening to me. And I did. The second half of my life is completely different than the first half and it was because I became aware of and connected to what lived in me on the deepest levels. That’s what I meant about you carrying thoughts, emotions, beliefs that attracted certain experiences into your life. It’s coming from the deeper place you don’t have access to nor understand – it’s not your fault – it’s just how life is and it’s how every single one of us gets to go through life. It’s why many people who have been abused growing up, end up hooking up with abusers in their adult lives. It’s why many children of alcholics also become alcoholics. It’s why children who were sexually abused, end up becoming sexual abusers as adults. The subconscious is incredibly powerful.
Bottom line is, it’s not your fault what has happened. You are doing the very best you know how and that is enough. However, I know the results are not what you want. That’s where diving deeper in the subconscious and discover some of your thoughts, beliefs and patterns around love can shift what is happening in your life and who you end up being attracted to. Again, I am happy to share with you ways to do that. Just ask.
I hope this helped you understand a little more about what I meant to convey. I will wait to hear back from you to see if you are willing to forgive my ineffectiveness and continue to stay here on the forum. You lead me in what you would like to do next.
Heidi
Hi Monique!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It was wonderful!
Yes, it was a bit much and over the top. It’s okay though! You truly wanted him to know how you felt and you definitely accomplished that. I loved how you were just authentic and being yourself. Now that you have done that, you can release it. It’s a positive and loving message and even if he doesn’t respond right now, you have planted a seed and poured a lot of goodness into him – and that is ALWAYS healing, even if we never see the result of that. So now you can let this go, know you put kindness and love out to him and that’s enough.
Do you feel okay about moving on now? Where are YOU at with all of this?
Heidi
