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Hi Maria,
I’m soooo happy to hear you are able to connect to what feels true for you and see yourself in an expanded way. You sound very clear for right now about what you want to try to work on and how to go about it. That’s great!
Let’s talk about this for a second: I think I might be hung up on that he said he was ready for it when I told him what I wanted in the relationship as I was also purposely trying to make big statements to see if he would be scared which he didn’t seem to be at all back then. I have no doubt that was his intention and he was being authentic in wanting to offer you all of that. The thing is, we can intend and feel what we feel in the moment, but the moment when we have to show up in a certain way that bumps against our walls, our fears, our limiting beliefs – how we “feel” and what we “intend” doesn’t matter. The fear is soooooo much bigger. Whenever I have a fear that shows up that is so big that it is stopping me from movement forward in what I want to create, I know it’s time to deep dive into myself and get to the core root and face it. It’s the only way. There is no way around fear, except through it. If he is ever going to be able to offer you a full, authentic, limitless love – he is going to have to face his fears. Who knows if he will ever get there and who knows how long you are willing to participate with this fear controlling his life.
Your fear of losing him is one to face as well. You want to make sure you are staying with him from a CLEAR place and not because you are wanting to avoid the pain of a breakup. So one way to start to talk to yourself is “Even though I am afraid of losing him and afraid of the hurt I will, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am loveable, I am valuable, I am worth fighting for. I will love again. I will be loved again. My life will continue to be full of adventure, passion, kindness, connection and deep love because I am the creator and architect of my life. I will be okay.” It’s a technique I call “finish the story.” Our brain will loop and loop on the worst case scenario and just fuel the fear. What will abate the fear is to make sure you also tell yourself the 2nd half of the story. Yes, it will hurt AND you will be okay. Yes, it will suck AND you are resilient. Yes, you will have to face loss AND you will find love again and it will be even better and more powerful. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Of course you feel guilty. It’s because you care about how you affect people. It’s your beautiful spirit of connection and not wanting to bring harm to anyone. I can’t even begin to imagine feeling any different than guilty for spreading it to others.
Here is the truth. It’s not your fault. Even our very best intentions are not enough sometimes. Life is BIG and we just cannot control it, no matter what we do. Whatever shows up in each of our lives, there are ALWAYS gifts in it. There are opportunities to connect with ourselves, to learn, to grow, to connect. Each person who contracts Covid gets an opportunity to deal with the feelings that come up about it. You get to feel powerlessness and guilt – which gives you an opportunity to practice self-forgiveness, to practice connecting into your personal power and even though you are powerless to fix whether or not people get infected because of their contact with you, you do have the power to release the energy of guilt and trust in each person’s path. Whatever shows up for them, is THEIR design and NOT because of you.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive your powerlessness. Forgive your limitations. Release the responsibility you are carrying for other peoples’ health. Let it all go and give it to the Universe, God, Divine Light – whatever you identify with. It’s out of your control now and there is nothing more you can do except to be loving, kind and compassionate towards yourself.
Heidi
Hi Lisa! Welcome!!! Thank you for sharing your concerns and questions. It’s a really big deal what you are going through and you coming here and asking for help, shows how much you care about yourself and him. He is lucky to have you!
I get that it’s a super scary thing to feel like you might lose him to her. But what if you had the thought “If he somehow decides he wants to be with her, that’s okay. It will hurt like crazy, but I will have learned that he is not someone who truly values me or sees my worth in the way that is important to me. There is no one like me and I deserve NOTHING LESS than a man who can’t keep his eyes off of me. I deserve NOTHING LESS than a man who is so excited and filled up by our level of connection, that the most beautiful woman in the world could not tempt him.”
Let’s look at jealousy for second. Let me pose a question for you….if you KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were amazing, priceless, original and unique, you are valuable, worth fighting for and worth loving, do you believe you would feel jealous??? Nope…when someone fully and completely believes that about themselves, there is no room for jealousy. You feel threatened because you have thoughts living somewhere in your brain, that she somehow is better than you are. So in reality, all jealousy is, is insecurity and that is for YOU to deal with and NOT for him to fix. It is NOT his job to help you feel solid in yourself. That is only something you can do for yourself.
My suggestion is to stop trying to control HIM and his behavior so you don’t have to feel insecure or threatened. Instead, connect with yourself, learn to love and value the parts of you that are feeling threatened and really work on those insecure feelings. This approach will only strengthen your bond with him. When he feels like he can just be who he wants to be without you controlling his behavior, he will feel soooooo much more bonded to you! Don’t you want him to not choose to talk to her because that is HIS choice vs. doing it for you??? Don’t you want him to feel so filled up with his relationship with you, that she becomes insignificant?
Thoughts??
Heidi
Oh wow! That’s pretty intense that he had a sociopathic father. There is sooooo much that his father passed down to him energetically and genetically. Of course he is scared!!! There is nothing you can do for him. He needs to face this himself and he needs to see that is more than his father, that he is more than his fear and that is more than his limitations. He instead is choosing to create a HUGE story around love, his abilities, what will happen etc. He sounds pretty invested in that story and not willing to reach for more than that. It sounds like he really wants to keep investing in that story. Your love is not enough Baily. You really might want to consider letting him go. The story he has about his life is so much stronger than any love he has for you or you have for him. That’s the truth and he is not willing to fight for more in his life…he would rather maintain his victim mentality and play small so he can stay safe. That’s sad, because he doesn’t have to live that way.
There are a few things you can try with him. You can speak to his higher self who KNOWS that truth. So you would respond by saying “I understand your fear. I also know that you are a strong soul. You are resilient, you are a fighter and I KNOW you want more in your life than to just play small. You can either let this fear run the rest of your life or you can decide how to master it and take control of your life. I know you can. I believe that about you.” This way, you are talking to his BEST self and not his fearful self. Even if he argues, you just keep saying “Say what you want, but I know you are more than this fear. I know you are more than your dad. I know that even though you have similar traits as your father sometimes, you are so much more than that. You are also kind, loving, romantic, funny, entertaining etc….” Remind him of all the great things he is too. We ALL have a shadow side and a light side, so it’s you reminding him that he is his shadow AND he is also his light. He’s BOTH and that’s all any of us really are anyways.
When he gets worried about the future, you just say, “You know what?? Let’s say we decide to stay together for 15 or 20 years and then we break up. So what! I trust that if we ever reach that point, somehow we will figure it out. My heart may be crushed, but I know I AM resilient and I am stronger than you give me credit for. I may fall apart for a while, but I will figure out how to forgive and release the hurt and move on with my life. I know I will be okay and figure it out and so will you. I am NOT going to spend my life making decisions according to what may or may not happen. I want to live TODAY to it’s fullest and that’s it. All we have is today and this moment and I’d rather spend it loving you, right now, than pushing it away because of something in the future that hasn’t even happened. That’s a waste of my time.”
How do these things feel for you?
Heidi
Wow!!!!! Goodness Emilie. Talk about a turn of events.
My heart sank when I read that you were positive. Such a bummer. You’ve done such a good job really honoring the guidelines. Man, this thing spreads like wildfire, doesn’t it???
What are some of the thoughts you are having? Just curious. Are you afraid at all? Do you feel embarrassed at all? Do you feel frustrated??
Yep….guess the door is not closed to this last guy. Quite funny that Covid is what is keeping you connected.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing more details! I want to encourage a different mindset.
First, let’s talk about you accommodating him. You did it in your last post. Your mindset is all about accommodating him. You said:
“I am not sure that I am doing anything else to keep him at his comfort level but I might be and am going to notice that now if I am doing that anywhere else.”
In this statement, you are proclaiming what you NEED: “I love this man deeply and I know he wants to be with me but this is not the relationship I want to have much longer, feeling like a side piece in his life and not able to make any plans for the future.”
This statement is where you are accommodating HIM: “But at the same time it doesn’t feel right in my heart to walk away or give up as I see through this barrier that he has up. I see him and all that he has put up around himself and I know it is going to take so much patience but I am willing to put in the work but I need better tools in how to do so, make him feel that he is safe with me.”Basically, your concern and focus on trying to “take down those walls” is MORE IMPORTANT than what you need in the relationship. You are accommodating HIS needs at the expense of your own….because truth is, if you honored your needs and made them important, you know he would not be able to meet them, because it’s not who he is and it’s not who he has ever been – at least on a consistent basis.
I’d like to offer a different mindset and let’s see how this resonates…or not….for you.
Why is it so important to meet his daughter?? You are creating a story around this that doesn’t have to be true. Meaning, the story in your mind says “Meeting his daughter means that I am important in his life and that he is willing to include me in the most important area of his life…therefore I know he is serious about me and I know I am truly valuable to him.” Or something of that nature. So being that he is not willing to introduce you yet, the story you are putting around it is “feeling like a side piece in his life and not able to make any plans for the future.” You are now making this about you when in reality, it has NOTHING to do with you! Him not introducing his daughter to you is about HIM and whatever story he is putting on what it means to introduce his daughter to a woman he loves. That’s HIS story and it has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He would be doing this to ANY woman he was serious about, because the issue is inside of HIM. All that’s happening is you are taking it personally and you are creating a story about HIS woundedness which is triggering YOUR woundedness. So what if it didn’t matter whether or not you met her? What if you just loved him for who he is? He has BIG blocks and woundedness and walls. Those are HIS to deal with, not for you to meddle in. Your mindset of “make him feel that he is safe with me” is you taking on HIS woundedness and trying to “fix” him. That’s not your job. You CANNOT make anyone do anything. All the skills and knowledge and wisdom in the world cannot make him feel safe with you. Why? Because he doesn’t feel safe inside of himself. That is NOT something you can make someone do. He has his own wounds, limiting beliefs and lies that he is believing. He has his own stories that he is fully invested in about what love is. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to change any of that. That is HIS job. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You need to face the reality that you have chosen to give your heart to a man with a crap ton of THICK walls and who is not emotionally available. That means that he is comfortable not knowing what is blocking him from you meeting his daughter. That means that he is comfortable with his walls and doesn’t really have a need to break them down. That means that when you share your needs, if they come up against his walls…his walls will ALWAYS be more important than your needs. That’s just the reality of it….even if there is love. If love were enough, our divorce rate would not be around 50%. Walls ONLY come down when someone is WILLING to dive deeper and start to work with the fears and stories that created those walls in the first place. You cannot do that for him. So in working with your mindset…what if you stopped thinking that you need to “fix” him and “help” him be different so you can be happy with him and instead ACCEPT him for who he is. Meaning, if he stayed this way, emotionally limited and lots of walls for the next 10 years, 20 years….is this something you are willing to accept and love about him?? If yes, then great! If not, then it’s time for you to reconsider your choice to be with him. He deserves a woman who accepts him for exactly who he is…even in his choice to bury his pain and not deal with it. He deserves to have a woman who doesn’t want to change him or push him into something he isn’t ready for. He deserves to have a woman who lets him be who he wants to be. So again, are you able to let it go about meeting his daughter and just let him be himself. I have no doubt you will eventually meet her. Can you let go of your timeline for when that’s supposed to happen? Can you let go of needing him to be different than who he is?
Now with that being said…accepting him for who he is, also means you end up accommodating HIS needs at the expense of your own. That is part of relationship in general, but you ALWAYS have to ask yourself, “Is this loving and kind to me AND is this loving and kind to him?” If the answer is yes, then you are operating with pure love. If the answer is no, then you are operating from wounded love. The answer for you right now would be no. It’s loving and kind to him by you accepting who he really is and how he likes to live his life and deal with his pain. It is NOT loving and kind to yourself to always have to put your emotional needs and vision of the relationship that you want, aside to accommodate him.
So you basically have 3 choices: 1. Create a new vision that honors, respects and loves BOTH of you 2. accept him for who he is and accommodate his needs and not your own 3. Decide that your vision and needs are really important for you, so by truly accepting him for who he is, it means it’s time to go down separate paths, because the way he functions in relationship doesn’t match your vision.
No matter your path and what you choose…your 1 job is to stop thinking that you can save him, change him or help him face his fears – he has to want that for himself. Your 1 job is to accept him for who he is and then decide from that mindset, whether or not he is the kind of partner / teammate you want to go the distance with.
How does all of this feel for you? It’s a lot to digest and a lot to consider. Some of it may trigger you, some of it may hit home and some of it may make you sad. It’s all welcome here, so please share how you feel and we will work through it together.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I love that you are learning a lot about yourself and your patterns and what is sourcing them!
It’s a bummer that he has met someone else. If he was just “testing” your reaction, which I doubt, then you don’t want him anyways. The way I would read that message is literally. He is saying he met someone he likes and wants to have more of an experience with and he is not the kind of person to “connect” on a deeper level with more than 1 woman. He is choosing her. BUMMER! That sucks! I’m so sorry! I’m glad he was finally honest about it instead of continuing to leave you wondering where he went.
How are you?? Rejection is NO FUN! Did you respond???
If you haven’t, you can say something like, “Thanks for letting me know. I’m disappointed, but thankful you are not choosing to “play 2 tables.” I wish you all the best!!” Or something super simple like that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m glad you are getting out and running!!! That’s great! Who cares how slow you are. It’s so good for you regardless!
It IS like a cult the way your family associates with God. They get to be that way though. It sounds like there is still some strong programming that would be influencing some of what you are feeling about Robin. It IS a strange relationship for you. You have your relationship with God that is ALWAYS evolving and growing. Learning to trust in that is so important. I’m sure you have experienced this as well, but soooooo many times I have been surprised with what or who shows up in my life the gifts they offer. It’s not what I “wanted” or “imagined” but EXACTLY what I needed. I think that may be Robin for you…at least for right now. To me, he is bringing you closer to God because he is honoring and valuing you in the way God wants you to feel honored and valued. Robin fights for you, Robin has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you, Robin is respectful and honoring and he truly values you in his life. His version of God may be different than yours, but in reality, as long as your experience of Robin is expanding love and kindness and respect and value in your life…to me that’s a gift from God…so enjoy it!!!! (which I’m soooo glad you are. I’m just validating you!) You rock!
Heidi
Hi Baily,
I’m wondering…the picture you are painting is that he was your whole life. Whether or not that is your experience, I’m wondering if that was his perspective. Do you think he may have felt like you made him your whole world??
Men LOVE women who are independent and have their own lives…their own friends, hobbies, jobs, interests, passions etc. Do you have any of these things in your life?
Like Kanya said, it’s going to be SUPER important that you do not discuss getting back together. Develop friends and other interests, besides him and talk about it with him. If he felt like he was your whole life, when he sees that you have A LOT going on, without him…it actually may cause him to be interested again because the pressure is off.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I’m not sure if it’s too late and you have already responded. My guess is, you have already responded, but just in case…here are some things to consider.
“know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I want in life for the rest of my life.” This is a HUGE red flag. No one on the face of this planet knows what they want for the rest of their lives. People think they do, but life has a million curve balls and can take someone down paths they never knew existed. The path may be paved with good intentions, but a smart person knows they cannot guarantee anything. All he knows is what he wants RIGHT NOW and anything he says is only good for TODAY. He is NOT ready for a serious relationship. His ACTIONS are showing you that all over the place, regardless of his remorse. His action to “disappear” was unkind and very selfish…and he gets to do that. He gets to choose how to handle his stress. He is SHOWING you through his actions, how he handles stress. HE GHOSTS!!!! It’s an illusion that he would change that just because he believes he knows what he wants now. He thought he knew what he wanted before too and then he disappeared AGAIN.
Here is the bottom line truth…no matter the remorse, no matter how much he feels for you and feels clear about what he wants…he needs to spend MUCH MORE time with his therapist to truly know who he is. He needs to develop a brand new way to deal with his stress. HE NEEDS TO BE ALONE for a while and feel the consequences of his choices and how he has treated you and kind of person he chose to be with you. Can he change??? absolutely!! But like Kanya and I have both shared…it’s going to take awhile.
If you haven’t responded yet, my guidance would be to say something like “Wow…thank you for letting me know. I’m sorry for whatever was happening for you that made you feel you had to disconnect from everyone. I really appreciate and accept your apology. No hard feelings…truly. With that being said, I’m not open to connecting again. I wish you the very best on your journey! Take care.”
Simple, short, sweet and clear. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
Thank you for sharing more details! You might want to consider a Gottman trained therapist. Here is their website: https://www.gottman.com/professionals/referral-network/ If you go under the “couples” tab, you can find a therapist. There are other things to try as well like events, retreats, games etc. so maybe something of that sort can be helpful to get the ball rolling.
I’m sorry that he is telling you more that is wrong with you compared to what is right with you. That would be hard for ANYONE! We ALL need validation and words of encouragement and affirmation, regardless of our dominant love language. Gottman talks about the 1:5 ratio for a healthy relationship. For every negative thing about someone, there needs to be 5 positive. It doesn’t sound like your guy is able to take this kind of approach with you, whether it’s because of his own woundedness and issues and it’s not a perspective he is willing to align with, or it’s because he truly does not have those kinds of feelings for you. The thing is, he would need help dissecting that, because it’s very complicated and far from clear. There really is a lot of “fog” or lack of clarity between you guys. It really might be time to get a 3rd party involved to help you both figure out new ways to connect and communicate….or not. Either way, you guys need to create some movement in one direction or another.
As far as disconnecting from your friend, it can be whatever design you want. I understand the great consequences of disconnecting from her. Reality is, it may not even work anyways. She is more of a distraction from what his real feelings are anyways, so it’s even possible that even if you were to completely disconnect and she was out of your lives completely, it doesn’t mean that his attentions would turn more towards you. You get to decide how you want to handle it. It’s going to be a day to day thing at this point. I think before you make any of those kinds of decisions, you BOTH need to get on the same page about what you want and what kind of relationship you want to create and do what you gotta do to align with that. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Caroline!
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s really helpful! Let’s break some of this down and see if it helps.
He said it was too complicated because I often asked him the same questions (because I doubted what he said was true sometimes, I can get really insecure and I need reassurance which I never really felt like I got from him, but maybe it’s just my own trust issues and not him the problem, I don’t know) Whatever it is that you are feeling, it’s 100% in you. He cannot make you feels something that doesn’t exist inside of you already. He can be a trigger, but that’s about it. The trust issues and insecurity that you feel with him, existed long before he ever came along. For a healthy relationship, it’s always important that BOTH people take responsibility for their own feelings and not put it on the other person to “fix” through better behavior etc. Whenever I get triggered by someone who does or doesn’t do something I am needing, I always know there is a gift in it for me. Meaning, it’s an opportunity where I get to experience my low self-esteem and I get to heal that part of myself. Every chance I get to heal, means I become stronger and stronger from the INSIDE and I don’t need anyone on the outside to tell me or re-assure me for my worth. You needing him to re-assure you is essentially giving your power away to him. Why does HE get to determine your value??? He does not have that right nor power to tell you your worth! You are valuable, loveable and worth knowing, whether or not he thinks or believes that!! When you feel that and know that within yourself, you then command that kind of respect from any person (friend or lover) if they are going to be in your life. People will treat you how you treat yourself.
He also said that what bothered him was the fact that he had to gain my trust (which is a normal thing to do in every relationship right?!) and that sometimes I didn’t give the benefit of the doubt. There is a difference between him needing to gain your trust because you automatically don’t trust guys because of past traumas…and building trust from a healthy place. This is kind of the same topic as above. Making him “earn” your trust most likely is because you have a lot of hurt you are still carrying around, so in essence, he is paying the price for all the people who have hurt you in the past, vs. coming into the relationship with a clean slate from your eyes. Building trust in a relationship in a healthy way would mean that you are honoring and believing what he is saying until evidence shows otherwise. What reason is there not to believe him? If there are none, then why not give him the benefit of the doubt? That’s why it’s a good idea to always take things slow. You want to spend time seeing that his words and actions line up. You want to see that he really is the person he portrays himself to be. If you find discrepancies, then that is something to really pay attention to and consider before moving forward with someone. Is this helpful??
But he kinda is the common denominator too, it’s not all on me that it’s been complicated. Absolutely true!! It takes 2 to tango!!!
Also, I’ve been thinking about something that’s been kinda bothering me; some of my friends told me that we might be incompatible. I don’t like this word because I think that if you really like someone it shouldn’t be hard to make efforts for that person, period. What do you think about that? This is not always true. Like Kanya said, how you feel towards someone is NOT a predictor of anything healthy in a relationship actually. I know PLENTY of people who act horrible when they like someone. It all depends on their role models and the kind of treatment they received growing up. For example, it’s not uncommon for children who were abused to grow up and marry abusers or become abusers themselves. Many children pair love with neglect or love with abuse or love with sex, because that is what they are taught in their primary years. So liking someone can actually be a HUGE trigger for many people on a subconscious level. It’s more common than you think. Does this make sense?
I was willing to not contact him for like 2 weeks and a half top to get my “power” back and show him that he wasn’t my whole world but a month seems very long since it’s already been a month we haven’t seen each other. What do you think ? What are the other ways to get his attention and interest? What if you KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are a spectacular woman and that any man would be so darn lucky to have you in their life….would you worry about him moving on? An empowered person would say and believe “I am valuable and worth fighting for. If he doesn’t see that or know that, then he is not the kind of person who gets to be in my life and hold my heart in his hands.” That’s creating a standard of quality in your life. If he moves on and doesn’t fight for you and you keep chasing him…that just says to him that he can treat you however you want and you won’t care. He gets the message that he holds the power in HIS hands as to your value and that you don’t really value yourself. Any woman who chases after a man to get his attention, has lost herself and vice versa. A person who is empowered, KNOWS their worth and has standards as to how they are valued and treated. Anyone who does not fit into those standards, doesn’t get to be in their life. That is TRUE self-love. Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It sounds like whatever events occurred with the bipolar disorder, caused him to feel like he cannot relax and be himself around you. Traumatic events imprint pretty easily into our emotional and nervous systems. So it sounds like there are imprints of his experiences with you that he hasn’t cleared out of his system yet. He needs to do deep forgiveness work and he needs to clear the energy of the events out of his nervous system so he can relax. How is the medication working for you? Are there still any episodes in either direction that are occurring, even on a small scale?
It sounds like his feeling of being “wanted” might be coming from inside of him. What I mean is, it doesn’t matter how much you do or say to help him feel wanted, it might never be enough. I call that a black hole. When someone carries black hole energy, they never really get filled up. The truth about black holes is they come from lies that person is believing and usually start in childhood and grow over the years. In order to heal and integrate those, the person has to release the energy from the very beginning events that created it and then learn how to fill themselves up vs. looking to someone else to fill it for them. From what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like there is much more you can do to help him feel wanted other than directly asking him what works and doesn’t work for him. I imagine you have already had this conversation though, yes??
Also being diagnosed with depression means that every aspect of his life is shaded with the color of depression. That means he isn’t very available for a relationship and will have a perspective that is quite tainted. Is he trying out any medications?
I love that you both are going to therapy individually. What type of therapy are you guys doing? Is it just talk therapy or do your therapist have special skills that can expedite the process of healing? (like EMDR or brainspotting or hypnotherapy)
Heidi
Hi Juli,
If you would like to start your own thread, we can continue this conversation. It gets a bit tricky for us coaches to keep up with responding to 2 different issues on the same thread. I’ll answer here, but if you would like to keep talking about it in more depth, go ahead and start your own thread.
First, I’m sorry you’re having to relive all your mistakes with him. It’s awful to not feel like your past mistakes have been released and forgiven. The thing is, it’s his issue, not yours. Someone who holds onto the past, is someone who is NOT willing to forgive. He is in a lot of pain and he wants to keep blaming you for it, instead of taking responsibility himself. It’s a form of revenge actually. It’s the psyche saying “You hurt me and now I’m going to hurt you back by not giving you what you want – which is forgiveness.” I doubt he is aware of what he is doing consciously though.
The way you stop it, is forgiving yourself. If you keep apologizing, he is just activating the feelings inside of you that have not been resolved. You are ALLOWING him to not forgive you because you haven’t forgiven yourself. When you have forgiven yourself and you feel complete and have released all of the energies, he can say anything he wants, but it won’t activate anything in you. That will shift the dynamic instantly. When you are complete in yourself, you are solid and clear. This is a super simple example, but let’s say you have dark brown hair. He comes up to you and says, “no your hair is blond.” You are listening to him and doubting yourself and participating in HIS reality. If you come back to YOUR truth, your KNOWING, that your hair is dark brown, his reality won’t matter. He can say your hair is blond all he wants, but it doesn’t change what YOU know. You simply KNOW your hair is dark brown and that’s that. He can’t budge you.
That’s the beauty of what he doing for you as he is blaming you for his pain. He is showing you where you are not solid and clear within yourself. He is offering you quite the gift of helping to expose where you are being unkind to yourself. He is being unkind to you, because you are unkind to yourself. You are not forgiving yourself for your humanness and your mistakes. How come? What is stopping you from letting it go and releasing your mistakes and then loving yourself anyways?
Make sense??
Heidi
Oh wow! I would be depressed too with all you are dealing with. It’s soooooo crazy hard when you don’t get to have your normal outlets of keeping your balance. There was about a month where the smoke was so bad from the fires that I wasn’t able to do my hikes and I definitely started getting depressed, so I totally get it! It absolutely is a struggle!!! You have a great attitude about it though. Depression never feels good, but I love that you are just letting it be there and that you know it will go away. You aren’t giving it much authority in your life, so good job!!!
I’m curious about what you said “But either I’m not listening very well, or God is handling this differently than all my religious relatives have always handled “witnessing”.” I’m not clear as to what you might not be “listening” to. What could God be handling differently?
It’s so great that you are not having as intense of a reaction as you originally did about Robin disconnecting when he is stressed. This is growth for you, so I really celebrate you!!! Make sure you really acknowledge how much more solid in yourself you are becoming!
He most likely is a workaholic. It’s absolutely an easy way to distract from feeling lonely. Loneliness still shows up, of course, but it would be the driver for him working like he does. He really is missing out on life. It’s sooooo important to have balance. It doesn’t sound like he builds fun and playtime into his life. I’m sure you will help bring out of him, but if he doesn’t source that for himself, then there will be consequences for that and absolutely can be harmful in a relationship. You have to decide if that is something you are willing to deal with. We ALL have our addictions to something. We ALL are messed up in some way or another. So it’s just about deciding whether or not his workaholic coping mechanism is something you can accept….NOT CHANGE!! It’s who he is and it’s his right to design his life that way. It’s not to say it can’t change at some point, but for today, it’s who he is. Can you love that and accept that about him?
Heidi
