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Hi!
So good to hear from you!!! Thank you for sharing all of this wonderful stuff, especially in the midst of your crazy and busy life.
It sounds like you are navigating really well and setting some good boundaries. I LOVE that you felt comfortable calling him out on a lie. Good job! I’m glad you forgave him. We ALL lie. We do it for various reasons and we all deserve to be forgiven. It’s just part of our humanness. Most lies are sourced by some kind of fear and are not meant to harm anyone. I love that you double checked on him. When he says that you should not doubt him and trust what he says, a good response is “I trust my intuition first and foremost above you or anyone else. If I sense that I need to check something, I will. If I don’t sense that, then I don’t. It wasn’t coming from a place of “mistrusting” you. I will always follow my intuition and my gut sense. It has NOTHING to do with you or my lack of trust of your words. This is just how I operate and live my life.”
The other day, I fell a bit down and told him that if he wants to find another woman who can make him better or help him, I will let him go with heavy heart and pray for his well being from a distance. What is this about?? I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to encourage you to NOT suggest breaking up unless you truly mean it. What you said here sounds more like an indirect way of you asking for him to fight for you somehow. I want to encourage you to just be straight up and ASK DIRECTLY for what you need instead of suggesting in some sort of way that he can find a better woman if he wants. Instead you say, “My heart is heavy today. I admit to feeling really insecure right now and a part of me wants to run. I’m not going to, but what would help so much is to hear that you accept me and still want me, even though I am really messy sometimes.” This is REALLY REALLY important to not ever suggest a break up of any kind unless you truly are ready to follow through, because otherwise, it breaks trust. He needs to know that you CHOOSE to stick around even in the times when you feel awful. YOU need to know this as well. This is a commitment I make to myself all the time, with my close friends and people who I know are worth fighting for, “I know we are going to be messy sometimes and I’m okay with that. I am willing to work through it and love us and me through it and come out the other end, even stronger. That is my commitment.” I have a tendency to want to instantly run, so this commitment is telling that part of myself that even when it gets tough, I AM NOT RUNNING! Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hey there! Haven’t heard from you in quite a while, so I thought I would just check in and see how things are going. You are missed!
Heidi
Yes, I know the adult part of you would know that it’s not your fault. I was more talking to the part of you that is carrying the guilt. That’s a little girl part of you carrying those feelings and she needs to be comforted and acknowledged.
I have heard people describe the test and they say the same thing!!! I get shivers thinking about it. It sounds pretty awful. Isn’t it funny how you cried and he laughed?? It’s always interesting to me, the different responses to pain and discomfort. I actually use that as a test when dating guys. Pain is pain, right? Whether emotional or physical, our response to pain is exactly the same. Being a trainer for 20 years, I have seen many variations of what people do when they reach their pain threshold AND I also see the level of pain tolerance they have. Some people start to laugh, some get really intense, some get angry, some get depressed, some just flat out give up etc. So by watching how they deal with the pain from lifting weights, I know how they also deal with emotional stress in their life. So…going to the gym is one way that I can get to know a guy and how he handles stress as well as seeing what his pain tolerance is. It’s been an effective tool for me! Just for future reference, of course. Are your gyms open over there? Ours are open, but masks are required and they only allow limited people.
Isn’t that sooooo interesting that you are all about Sagittarius??? That’s a pretty strong pattern you have there!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
You are having some great realizations! I love it!!!
Let’s keep talking:
I am not scared of being heart broken, I have been heartbroken before and I always know that it will pass and something better will come along. I have always trusted the universe in that way. Maybe think about this a little more. I know your brain KNOWS the truth, but there may be a part of you that is NOT connected to this truth and that part of you may be stronger than you think. Just consider this….you are choosing to stay with a man who is emotionally unavailable, not able to offer you the kind of love that you are wanting and are capable of having and is not someone who approaches life in the same way you do. The reality of this relationship (at the moment) is that you are not getting your very important and sacred needs met. Yet, you are choosing to stay. Looking at the discrepancy here, it shows you that something in you is afraid of something. My guess is, if you spend some quiet time with yourself and journaled, you might find a part of you that is afraid of losing him and doesn’t want to go through another breakup. You are ready to settle down and grow roots with someone and this guy is not showing up the way you thought he would. Maybe a part of you really wants to make this work, because you don’t want to start all over again. I’m just throwing ideas out there for you to consider and explore. Considering that 80% of how we live, what we decide and what drives our lives, comes from the subconscious, so one of the ways I explore my subconscious is to look at what I am feeling and what my decisions actually are. When they are not aligned, I know there are deeper layers to explore. So you choosing to stay is contradictory to what you want to experience in a relationship. There are MANY facets that are contributing to this discrepancy between what you want and what you are choosing. Have some fun with this!
This is probably related to my self work in some way, that I see this as an opportunity to work on so many things within myself and he has brought up many things for me that I have worked through. I used to take this approach all of the time when I was dating. I knew the guy was not up to the standards I wanted, I would always get triggered and I always considered them opportunities for growth – I would stay way past the expiration date! lol. Here is something to consider. There are certain things that will ALWAYS be triggering, because you are supposed to be. For example, when someone is unkind and says something mean to you or about you – you are always going to be hurt because you have feelings. If you didn’t hurt, I would wonder what’s happening inside of you. So trying to stay and keep working on the triggers he brings up on you, might end up putting you on the hamster wheel where you really never get anywhere, because you are supposed to be triggered – always. Many times, our triggers are very appropriate – to let us know we need to be cautious with that person. The other thing I want you to mull around and consider is that healthy people have a LOW pain tolerance. Meaning, they feel pain and they say, “I’m not willing to participate in this design” and they walk away QUICKLY. It’s not the same as running away. It’s a healthy, protective type of choice. Having a high pain tolerance means you end up staying in the situation that is constantly going to trigger you. Can you grow from that? Absolutely. But then you have to start to explore your relationship with pain and struggle. I used to have a crazy high pain tolerance. The more healthy I became, the more I released my baggage, the more solid I became in choosing a life that was peaceful. I choose joy and peace and ease over constantly dealing with triggers in a relationship. I choose flow and fun and growth with someone over trying to love someone who doesn’t have the capacity to match me. It took awhile for me to get to that place.
I’ve said a lot for you to think about. It may or may not resonate for you. Let’s keep talking about it though! Please understand I am not trying to convince you to leave. I’m just offering pathways of exploration so you can get to know yourself better.
So my main question is, what is keeping you with him? Another way to explore this is: What is he giving you, that you are not willing to give yourself?
Heidi
Hi LM,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I”m so sorry to hear about everything you are having to deal with. You have a pretty tough situation. It sounds like he is pretty set on his mindset and is not interested in taking responsibility for how he feels in his life. Whatever happened in his past must be pretty scary for him to face. It’s soooooo much easier to just blame the person in front of you than to take responsibility for the stories you create in your mind.
How long have you been married? I imagine he has been like this since you have met him. How he is behaving is just a coping mechanism and usually develops at a pretty young age. Is he on any medication? Is he willing to maybe try couple’s therapy or go through book with you?
Here is just a very harsh reality. If someone is only interested in blaming and not willing to learn and grow to become a better partner, there really is no chance for a happy marraige/partnership. It takes 2 to tango and there is just no way around that. If you want to grow and learn and become a better partner and he doesn’t – and he would rather just blame you – then you basically have 3 choices.
1. You leave
2. You keep growing and maybe get your own therapist/coach for yourself – it doesn’t mean he will change though, but you can change yourself
3. You stay and keep accepting that your needs are not going to matter and you will keep placating him and the stories he tells himself.There is nothing you can do for HIM and nothing you should for HIM. All you have control over is yourself…that’s it. You are putting all of your attention on him trying to make HIM happy, when that actually is not your job or responsibility. That’s HIS job. Your job is to make YOU happy. As long as you keep sacrificing your needs for him, you are going to be unhappy. I imagine there are parts of you that are wounded and hurting, just like him. People are always reflective of us. How he treats you is a reflection of how you treat yourself. Being that he is always questioning you, doesn’t respect you, has a very high need to control you, has a lot of low self-esteem, is depressed and anxious….I’m wondering…do you feel any of these inside of yourself as well? Would you say that you are respectful and kind with how you treat yourself? Are you aware of and connected to the low self-esteem you feel about yourself? Are you always controlling your emotions and how you feel?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
I’m soooo happy to hear you are able to connect to what feels true for you and see yourself in an expanded way. You sound very clear for right now about what you want to try to work on and how to go about it. That’s great!
Let’s talk about this for a second: I think I might be hung up on that he said he was ready for it when I told him what I wanted in the relationship as I was also purposely trying to make big statements to see if he would be scared which he didn’t seem to be at all back then. I have no doubt that was his intention and he was being authentic in wanting to offer you all of that. The thing is, we can intend and feel what we feel in the moment, but the moment when we have to show up in a certain way that bumps against our walls, our fears, our limiting beliefs – how we “feel” and what we “intend” doesn’t matter. The fear is soooooo much bigger. Whenever I have a fear that shows up that is so big that it is stopping me from movement forward in what I want to create, I know it’s time to deep dive into myself and get to the core root and face it. It’s the only way. There is no way around fear, except through it. If he is ever going to be able to offer you a full, authentic, limitless love – he is going to have to face his fears. Who knows if he will ever get there and who knows how long you are willing to participate with this fear controlling his life.
Your fear of losing him is one to face as well. You want to make sure you are staying with him from a CLEAR place and not because you are wanting to avoid the pain of a breakup. So one way to start to talk to yourself is “Even though I am afraid of losing him and afraid of the hurt I will, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am loveable, I am valuable, I am worth fighting for. I will love again. I will be loved again. My life will continue to be full of adventure, passion, kindness, connection and deep love because I am the creator and architect of my life. I will be okay.” It’s a technique I call “finish the story.” Our brain will loop and loop on the worst case scenario and just fuel the fear. What will abate the fear is to make sure you also tell yourself the 2nd half of the story. Yes, it will hurt AND you will be okay. Yes, it will suck AND you are resilient. Yes, you will have to face loss AND you will find love again and it will be even better and more powerful. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Of course you feel guilty. It’s because you care about how you affect people. It’s your beautiful spirit of connection and not wanting to bring harm to anyone. I can’t even begin to imagine feeling any different than guilty for spreading it to others.
Here is the truth. It’s not your fault. Even our very best intentions are not enough sometimes. Life is BIG and we just cannot control it, no matter what we do. Whatever shows up in each of our lives, there are ALWAYS gifts in it. There are opportunities to connect with ourselves, to learn, to grow, to connect. Each person who contracts Covid gets an opportunity to deal with the feelings that come up about it. You get to feel powerlessness and guilt – which gives you an opportunity to practice self-forgiveness, to practice connecting into your personal power and even though you are powerless to fix whether or not people get infected because of their contact with you, you do have the power to release the energy of guilt and trust in each person’s path. Whatever shows up for them, is THEIR design and NOT because of you.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive your powerlessness. Forgive your limitations. Release the responsibility you are carrying for other peoples’ health. Let it all go and give it to the Universe, God, Divine Light – whatever you identify with. It’s out of your control now and there is nothing more you can do except to be loving, kind and compassionate towards yourself.
Heidi
Hi Lisa! Welcome!!! Thank you for sharing your concerns and questions. It’s a really big deal what you are going through and you coming here and asking for help, shows how much you care about yourself and him. He is lucky to have you!
I get that it’s a super scary thing to feel like you might lose him to her. But what if you had the thought “If he somehow decides he wants to be with her, that’s okay. It will hurt like crazy, but I will have learned that he is not someone who truly values me or sees my worth in the way that is important to me. There is no one like me and I deserve NOTHING LESS than a man who can’t keep his eyes off of me. I deserve NOTHING LESS than a man who is so excited and filled up by our level of connection, that the most beautiful woman in the world could not tempt him.”
Let’s look at jealousy for second. Let me pose a question for you….if you KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you were amazing, priceless, original and unique, you are valuable, worth fighting for and worth loving, do you believe you would feel jealous??? Nope…when someone fully and completely believes that about themselves, there is no room for jealousy. You feel threatened because you have thoughts living somewhere in your brain, that she somehow is better than you are. So in reality, all jealousy is, is insecurity and that is for YOU to deal with and NOT for him to fix. It is NOT his job to help you feel solid in yourself. That is only something you can do for yourself.
My suggestion is to stop trying to control HIM and his behavior so you don’t have to feel insecure or threatened. Instead, connect with yourself, learn to love and value the parts of you that are feeling threatened and really work on those insecure feelings. This approach will only strengthen your bond with him. When he feels like he can just be who he wants to be without you controlling his behavior, he will feel soooooo much more bonded to you! Don’t you want him to not choose to talk to her because that is HIS choice vs. doing it for you??? Don’t you want him to feel so filled up with his relationship with you, that she becomes insignificant?
Thoughts??
Heidi
Oh wow! That’s pretty intense that he had a sociopathic father. There is sooooo much that his father passed down to him energetically and genetically. Of course he is scared!!! There is nothing you can do for him. He needs to face this himself and he needs to see that is more than his father, that he is more than his fear and that is more than his limitations. He instead is choosing to create a HUGE story around love, his abilities, what will happen etc. He sounds pretty invested in that story and not willing to reach for more than that. It sounds like he really wants to keep investing in that story. Your love is not enough Baily. You really might want to consider letting him go. The story he has about his life is so much stronger than any love he has for you or you have for him. That’s the truth and he is not willing to fight for more in his life…he would rather maintain his victim mentality and play small so he can stay safe. That’s sad, because he doesn’t have to live that way.
There are a few things you can try with him. You can speak to his higher self who KNOWS that truth. So you would respond by saying “I understand your fear. I also know that you are a strong soul. You are resilient, you are a fighter and I KNOW you want more in your life than to just play small. You can either let this fear run the rest of your life or you can decide how to master it and take control of your life. I know you can. I believe that about you.” This way, you are talking to his BEST self and not his fearful self. Even if he argues, you just keep saying “Say what you want, but I know you are more than this fear. I know you are more than your dad. I know that even though you have similar traits as your father sometimes, you are so much more than that. You are also kind, loving, romantic, funny, entertaining etc….” Remind him of all the great things he is too. We ALL have a shadow side and a light side, so it’s you reminding him that he is his shadow AND he is also his light. He’s BOTH and that’s all any of us really are anyways.
When he gets worried about the future, you just say, “You know what?? Let’s say we decide to stay together for 15 or 20 years and then we break up. So what! I trust that if we ever reach that point, somehow we will figure it out. My heart may be crushed, but I know I AM resilient and I am stronger than you give me credit for. I may fall apart for a while, but I will figure out how to forgive and release the hurt and move on with my life. I know I will be okay and figure it out and so will you. I am NOT going to spend my life making decisions according to what may or may not happen. I want to live TODAY to it’s fullest and that’s it. All we have is today and this moment and I’d rather spend it loving you, right now, than pushing it away because of something in the future that hasn’t even happened. That’s a waste of my time.”
How do these things feel for you?
Heidi
Wow!!!!! Goodness Emilie. Talk about a turn of events.
My heart sank when I read that you were positive. Such a bummer. You’ve done such a good job really honoring the guidelines. Man, this thing spreads like wildfire, doesn’t it???
What are some of the thoughts you are having? Just curious. Are you afraid at all? Do you feel embarrassed at all? Do you feel frustrated??
Yep….guess the door is not closed to this last guy. Quite funny that Covid is what is keeping you connected.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing more details! I want to encourage a different mindset.
First, let’s talk about you accommodating him. You did it in your last post. Your mindset is all about accommodating him. You said:
“I am not sure that I am doing anything else to keep him at his comfort level but I might be and am going to notice that now if I am doing that anywhere else.”
In this statement, you are proclaiming what you NEED: “I love this man deeply and I know he wants to be with me but this is not the relationship I want to have much longer, feeling like a side piece in his life and not able to make any plans for the future.”
This statement is where you are accommodating HIM: “But at the same time it doesn’t feel right in my heart to walk away or give up as I see through this barrier that he has up. I see him and all that he has put up around himself and I know it is going to take so much patience but I am willing to put in the work but I need better tools in how to do so, make him feel that he is safe with me.”Basically, your concern and focus on trying to “take down those walls” is MORE IMPORTANT than what you need in the relationship. You are accommodating HIS needs at the expense of your own….because truth is, if you honored your needs and made them important, you know he would not be able to meet them, because it’s not who he is and it’s not who he has ever been – at least on a consistent basis.
I’d like to offer a different mindset and let’s see how this resonates…or not….for you.
Why is it so important to meet his daughter?? You are creating a story around this that doesn’t have to be true. Meaning, the story in your mind says “Meeting his daughter means that I am important in his life and that he is willing to include me in the most important area of his life…therefore I know he is serious about me and I know I am truly valuable to him.” Or something of that nature. So being that he is not willing to introduce you yet, the story you are putting around it is “feeling like a side piece in his life and not able to make any plans for the future.” You are now making this about you when in reality, it has NOTHING to do with you! Him not introducing his daughter to you is about HIM and whatever story he is putting on what it means to introduce his daughter to a woman he loves. That’s HIS story and it has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He would be doing this to ANY woman he was serious about, because the issue is inside of HIM. All that’s happening is you are taking it personally and you are creating a story about HIS woundedness which is triggering YOUR woundedness. So what if it didn’t matter whether or not you met her? What if you just loved him for who he is? He has BIG blocks and woundedness and walls. Those are HIS to deal with, not for you to meddle in. Your mindset of “make him feel that he is safe with me” is you taking on HIS woundedness and trying to “fix” him. That’s not your job. You CANNOT make anyone do anything. All the skills and knowledge and wisdom in the world cannot make him feel safe with you. Why? Because he doesn’t feel safe inside of himself. That is NOT something you can make someone do. He has his own wounds, limiting beliefs and lies that he is believing. He has his own stories that he is fully invested in about what love is. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to change any of that. That is HIS job. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You need to face the reality that you have chosen to give your heart to a man with a crap ton of THICK walls and who is not emotionally available. That means that he is comfortable not knowing what is blocking him from you meeting his daughter. That means that he is comfortable with his walls and doesn’t really have a need to break them down. That means that when you share your needs, if they come up against his walls…his walls will ALWAYS be more important than your needs. That’s just the reality of it….even if there is love. If love were enough, our divorce rate would not be around 50%. Walls ONLY come down when someone is WILLING to dive deeper and start to work with the fears and stories that created those walls in the first place. You cannot do that for him. So in working with your mindset…what if you stopped thinking that you need to “fix” him and “help” him be different so you can be happy with him and instead ACCEPT him for who he is. Meaning, if he stayed this way, emotionally limited and lots of walls for the next 10 years, 20 years….is this something you are willing to accept and love about him?? If yes, then great! If not, then it’s time for you to reconsider your choice to be with him. He deserves a woman who accepts him for exactly who he is…even in his choice to bury his pain and not deal with it. He deserves to have a woman who doesn’t want to change him or push him into something he isn’t ready for. He deserves to have a woman who lets him be who he wants to be. So again, are you able to let it go about meeting his daughter and just let him be himself. I have no doubt you will eventually meet her. Can you let go of your timeline for when that’s supposed to happen? Can you let go of needing him to be different than who he is?
Now with that being said…accepting him for who he is, also means you end up accommodating HIS needs at the expense of your own. That is part of relationship in general, but you ALWAYS have to ask yourself, “Is this loving and kind to me AND is this loving and kind to him?” If the answer is yes, then you are operating with pure love. If the answer is no, then you are operating from wounded love. The answer for you right now would be no. It’s loving and kind to him by you accepting who he really is and how he likes to live his life and deal with his pain. It is NOT loving and kind to yourself to always have to put your emotional needs and vision of the relationship that you want, aside to accommodate him.
So you basically have 3 choices: 1. Create a new vision that honors, respects and loves BOTH of you 2. accept him for who he is and accommodate his needs and not your own 3. Decide that your vision and needs are really important for you, so by truly accepting him for who he is, it means it’s time to go down separate paths, because the way he functions in relationship doesn’t match your vision.
No matter your path and what you choose…your 1 job is to stop thinking that you can save him, change him or help him face his fears – he has to want that for himself. Your 1 job is to accept him for who he is and then decide from that mindset, whether or not he is the kind of partner / teammate you want to go the distance with.
How does all of this feel for you? It’s a lot to digest and a lot to consider. Some of it may trigger you, some of it may hit home and some of it may make you sad. It’s all welcome here, so please share how you feel and we will work through it together.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I love that you are learning a lot about yourself and your patterns and what is sourcing them!
It’s a bummer that he has met someone else. If he was just “testing” your reaction, which I doubt, then you don’t want him anyways. The way I would read that message is literally. He is saying he met someone he likes and wants to have more of an experience with and he is not the kind of person to “connect” on a deeper level with more than 1 woman. He is choosing her. BUMMER! That sucks! I’m so sorry! I’m glad he was finally honest about it instead of continuing to leave you wondering where he went.
How are you?? Rejection is NO FUN! Did you respond???
If you haven’t, you can say something like, “Thanks for letting me know. I’m disappointed, but thankful you are not choosing to “play 2 tables.” I wish you all the best!!” Or something super simple like that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m glad you are getting out and running!!! That’s great! Who cares how slow you are. It’s so good for you regardless!
It IS like a cult the way your family associates with God. They get to be that way though. It sounds like there is still some strong programming that would be influencing some of what you are feeling about Robin. It IS a strange relationship for you. You have your relationship with God that is ALWAYS evolving and growing. Learning to trust in that is so important. I’m sure you have experienced this as well, but soooooo many times I have been surprised with what or who shows up in my life the gifts they offer. It’s not what I “wanted” or “imagined” but EXACTLY what I needed. I think that may be Robin for you…at least for right now. To me, he is bringing you closer to God because he is honoring and valuing you in the way God wants you to feel honored and valued. Robin fights for you, Robin has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you, Robin is respectful and honoring and he truly values you in his life. His version of God may be different than yours, but in reality, as long as your experience of Robin is expanding love and kindness and respect and value in your life…to me that’s a gift from God…so enjoy it!!!! (which I’m soooo glad you are. I’m just validating you!) You rock!
Heidi
Hi Baily,
I’m wondering…the picture you are painting is that he was your whole life. Whether or not that is your experience, I’m wondering if that was his perspective. Do you think he may have felt like you made him your whole world??
Men LOVE women who are independent and have their own lives…their own friends, hobbies, jobs, interests, passions etc. Do you have any of these things in your life?
Like Kanya said, it’s going to be SUPER important that you do not discuss getting back together. Develop friends and other interests, besides him and talk about it with him. If he felt like he was your whole life, when he sees that you have A LOT going on, without him…it actually may cause him to be interested again because the pressure is off.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I’m not sure if it’s too late and you have already responded. My guess is, you have already responded, but just in case…here are some things to consider.
“know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I want in life for the rest of my life.” This is a HUGE red flag. No one on the face of this planet knows what they want for the rest of their lives. People think they do, but life has a million curve balls and can take someone down paths they never knew existed. The path may be paved with good intentions, but a smart person knows they cannot guarantee anything. All he knows is what he wants RIGHT NOW and anything he says is only good for TODAY. He is NOT ready for a serious relationship. His ACTIONS are showing you that all over the place, regardless of his remorse. His action to “disappear” was unkind and very selfish…and he gets to do that. He gets to choose how to handle his stress. He is SHOWING you through his actions, how he handles stress. HE GHOSTS!!!! It’s an illusion that he would change that just because he believes he knows what he wants now. He thought he knew what he wanted before too and then he disappeared AGAIN.
Here is the bottom line truth…no matter the remorse, no matter how much he feels for you and feels clear about what he wants…he needs to spend MUCH MORE time with his therapist to truly know who he is. He needs to develop a brand new way to deal with his stress. HE NEEDS TO BE ALONE for a while and feel the consequences of his choices and how he has treated you and kind of person he chose to be with you. Can he change??? absolutely!! But like Kanya and I have both shared…it’s going to take awhile.
If you haven’t responded yet, my guidance would be to say something like “Wow…thank you for letting me know. I’m sorry for whatever was happening for you that made you feel you had to disconnect from everyone. I really appreciate and accept your apology. No hard feelings…truly. With that being said, I’m not open to connecting again. I wish you the very best on your journey! Take care.”
Simple, short, sweet and clear. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
