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Hi Misty,
It sounds like there might be a little connection going on. Since you just moved in, it’s a bit of a tricky situation. I suggest to just stay low and let things develop vs. trying to force something. Give him room to breathe for a while and get used to you living in the house. Now that you are living there, it’s quite the risk to date in case something doesn’t work out. Be cautious! I would take this really slow and keep allowing him to take the lead. This is important for men. Do you know anything about his relationship history and his relationship with his ex-wife? Also, are you ready to lose your job in case it doesn’t work?
Heidi
Oh wow! Does your dad have symptoms!
Happy happy birthday Emily!!! I know it’s not quite the birthday celebration you wanted, but it sounds like you were well loved and appreciated. You are a pretty badass woman and everyone should be celebrating you as they are lucky to have you in their lives!!!
How do you feel about turning 35?
That is strange that there is a curphew for 9pm. It’s kind of funny how you put it…as if Covid all of a sudden wakes up at 9pm to 6am and decides to infect people….lol. I wonder what their thinking is.
Heidi
Yes! We all do this in some fashion or another. We ALL have issues with those who raised us and every single time, those issues get exposed through romantic relationships and love. He is quite normal actually. The only difference between people is how they react and respond to their issues. There are basically 2 paths to take…1. stay a victim and let those issues run your live and be in the driver’s seat or 2. take the path of forgiveness, work on healing and empower yourself to take control of your life.
Let’s look at what’s happening for you. Is there anything from your past that you can connect to this current situation? Since you want to fight for a guy who has a lot of low self-esteem and not willing to fight for you, you basically have chosen a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Is this a pattern? Is there anyone in your past that would have taught you that you are not valuable or worth fighting for? Or they were emotionally unavailable?
Heidi
I get it. A zoom birthday would suck! I know people are so completely over zoom and are wanting face to face interaction. I am now hearing how people are missing their families so much, they are going to travel to see them for the holidays. People are really craving personal interaction more now than ever. I imagine it’s going to just get worse as time goes on and people will just stop caring and reach out. I don’t know…we shall see what happens after the holidays. People are super stressed about our election right now as well. Voting has just started and will be closed in about 3 weeks. The amount of unrest, anger and discomfort is at an all time high right now for a lot of people. It’s a very interesting time!
I’m glad you were able to talk to your friend about how you felt. It’s good practice using your voice!
How old are you going to be? Is there 1 thing that makes it feel like your birthday?? For me, it’s all about my mom. Once I connect with her and she sings me happy birthday, it FEELS like it’s really my birthday. A cake and candles is always helpful too…lol.
Heidi
Oh wow! I am speechless Vino. I feel the energy of everything you shared and kind of like silence is the best way to honor everything you have been through. My mind wants to fill the page with words, but somehow that just feels inappropriate…just for now. So for this moment, I will let the words just have a rest and I will allow the power of silence to take over. Know that I honor you and the doors you have stepped through and I am really excited to see what begins to unfold for you, now that you have stepped through some new doors. Wow! this really is beautiful!
Heidi
Hi CK,
Just checking in and seeing what your thoughts are. How are you are doing? How are you feeling? What is happening for you?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. It’s awful to lose that connection so abruptly because of his fear. It’s a very powerless feeling.
Here is a reality that is important for you to face. He is NOT a forgiving person. The fact that he is choosing to hold onto his past and not completely forgive and release the hurt feelings, means that he will do the same thing to you. He will hold onto stuff FOREVER and keep creating blocks and walls that interfere with connection. You have the ability to FEEL and connect deeply and he does not. He would rather stay a victim in his life rather than empower himself and take responsibility for his reactions and situations in his life. That means that you will spend a lifetime with him blaming you, with him constantly blocking connection with you in some form or another and he will NEVER have the ability to fully see you, value you and love you to the same capacity you will be able to offer him. THIS IS WHO HE IS!!! I have no doubt there also is a connection that feels really wonderful with him too. Whenever choosing a life long partner, the most important aspect you need to look at is, how do they treat me, themselves and others under stress. That is the most important, valuable piece of information you could have about someone. He is showing you that under stress, he runs. He is showing you that he does not forgive and he holds onto his pain so tightly. He is showing you he would rather stay “safe” than to risk loving deeper. He is showing you he would rather be in relationship with his fear and pain than with you. Is this the kind of partner/teammate you want to hand your heart over to? Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Is this the kind of “love” you want to embrace?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Thank you for sharing more details. I think your observations are spot on about him and this other woman. It sounds quite messy and chaotic and it doesn’t sound like something that will last. Regardless, she does make him feel some things in himself that most likely “brought him to life.” He probably feels passion and excitement, whereas with you, he feels stable and supported, but not romantic. Do you feel that way towards him? Do you have strong romantic, passionate feelings towards him? Do you feel chemistry with him? Do you want to passionately kiss him and hold his hand? Do you desire him sexually?
I’m wondering what your romantic/sexual history is with him and with yourself. If you feel like a roommate to him, is there anything you can see in your energy, or how you feel about yourself, that would contribute to him feeling that kind of energy with you?
I agree with Kanya in that THE IMPORTANT thing to do is for you to find yourself. I LOVE that you are looking into putting your degree to use. SPECTACULAR!!! Create your life the way you want and start to fulfill your needs. Men LOVE this and are highly attracted to women who live in that way.
In the end however, if he is not willing to face himself, his limitations and how he chooses to handle stress in his life, your relationship will never change and he WILL run again and find other ways to deal with his misery and discomfort other than facing it. So you have to ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship that is acceptable for you? Is this the kind of love you want to invest in? You may get him back if you wait around long enough, but then what? Do you have any standards as to what needs to happen if he wants to come back? What do you need from him before you take him back completely? What’s your plan if he does want to come back and gives up the other woman??
Heidi
Hi Kinsey,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question!
Do you guys just talk on the phone or do you text during the day as well? I get that it’s hard to not connect like you guys normally do. It’s VERY difficult for women, more so than men (generally speaking).
Do you have any inclination that he has romantic feelings for you??? I know nothing directly has been said, but is there any flirting? Does he give any signals at all that there is romantic interest on his part?
The danger here is you turning this “friendship” into something that it isn’t. It’s very important for you to get aligned with HIS reality as well. Are you positive he is single and completely available? Do you know very much about his relationship history?He has been investing a lot of time talking to you almost nightly – which a guy usually doesn’t do if he doesn’t have some level of attraction – but it’s not to say that he has enough attraction to take it to the next level.
For now, keep your distance. Let him come to you. Let him invest in the relationship. It feels good for a guy to have space to respond and invest in the relationship without always being led by the woman. I imagine there is still a little bit of exchange through texting, yes?
Heidi
Hi Bailey,
I am soooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is just so painful to be pushed away from someone you love so very deeply. I have been there before and it’s awful. I also want to tell you, as someone who has been through that a few times, is that you will be okay. You CAN heal and the love you have for him, is a love that can also grow and even be more expansive than you ever imagined, with another man. He is NOT the only person you are able to love. I know it’s super hard to imagine and that you don’t even want to go down that road, because you love him and he is the only one you want to grow with. I am only saying this to plant the seed, that we ALL are able to heal from a lost love AND create a new experience of love again. Us humans are resilient. No, it’s not a journey anyone likes to take, as the heart deeply hurts and unfortunately it’s a part of life. I feel your pain and confusion and I wish there were a way to just simply make it all better. You do have the choice to make these difficult times serve you and help you grow and learn about yourself.
Let’s just keep talking about this. We are here with you. You are not alone. We have been through this in our lives and can tell you that you are strong enough to make it through this and there is a way to get to the other side of loss. Let’s talk more about you quitting school. How come? I imagine you have some sort of vision for you life and that school will be able to support that vision. Tell us about that! I do want to recommend to NOT make any decisions when you are under high emotion. Right now, you are feeling depressed, confused and hurt. Would you be willing to wait a little bit before deciding to leave school and your job? Are you willing to just hold on and let yourself work through all of these emotions first and THEN you can decide what you want to do??
I’m not surprised he is pushing you away again. This is going to be his pattern. Until he faces his fears, he will ALWAYS do this you…and it’s not about you either. He would do this to any girl he was getting close to. His system believes that love is not safe. So the more he loves, the deeper he loves, he will automatically start to push that love away to stay “safe.” I know you want him to relax and I know you want him to see he is safe with you. I get it. The thing is, it’s a very STRONG program that is running in his mind and heart and there is nothing you or anyone can do about it. It’s all on him. He has a very limited capacity for love and a very low tolerance for intimacy. He can only offer so much before he will run.
I imagine you want a love that is free and limitless. I imagine you want a love where there is NOTHING stopping it. I imagine you want a love that is deep and intimate. I imagine you want a love that feels safe. The reality is Bailey, this is NOT the kind of love your guy is able to offer you. I know he is pushing you away and he is right to do so. You keep wanting to connect and love him deeper and he is telling you that he can’t…and he is right. He CANNOT offer you what you want and that’s the truth. He knows it and he is not willing to do the work to change any of that…and he gets to live his life that way. It has nothing to do with you not being enough to inspire that in him. It has to do with him not loving himself enough to fight for more in his life. He has soooooo much low self-esteem and that is much stronger than love. In fact, it’s the love that will trigger all the low-esteem in him.
So now the question is about you. What are YOU wanting to do? You are faced with a guy who won’t fight for himself, therefore he cannot fight for you. Now what? Are you going to keep fighting for him or are you going to fight for yourself now? It’s NOT love when you choose to love someone at the expense of your own needs…that is woundedness…that is hurt. True, healthy love is when BOTH people are being loved and cared for and honored both by each AND through themselves. He is not loving himself and you are not loving yourself…so what kind of love is that really? Just some things to think about.
Keep talking to us!! This is a good place to vent!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I understand your tears more! It’s just an automatic reaction to the stimulus of that thing being stuck up your nose. That makes sense and does not fit into my study at all…lol. It’s an interesting reaction you are having though….laughing and crying when the nurse would change your bandage as well. I’m so curious what is happening for you! I bet there is some deep subconscious thing getting triggered somehow. Not that it really matters anyway. It’s just my brain.
I’m soooooo glad to hear that no one has caught it! YAYAYAYA!!!! You must feel so much better!!! How are you feeling physically?? I know you were really tired, but have you had any other symptoms? Out of curiosity and because I just don’t know, at what point are you not contagious anymore??
I”m a little confused about your birthday. If I understand correctly, you are hurt because your friends don’t trust you, yes? They all don’t want to hang out, even though you are safe to be around, yes? What else is being triggered in you? Does it make you feel kind of like a “leper” or someone who is “contaminated” and people are going to just stay far away from you? Let’s explore the feelings coming up about this, because they are important!
Would you also consider celebrating your birthday in a different way? You definitely should celebrate your birthday!!!! People are getting really creative with how they are doing things these days, so I bet there is some sort of compromise where you get to celebrate your life and your friends are happy to join.
Heidi
Hi Bailey,
I love the plan that you both agreed to….1 day at a time! There is no better plan. It keeps both of you in the present moment.
Of course he is trying to protect both you and him by trying to push you away. A lot of people do that. It takes great strength to stay put and not run in the face of a HUUUUUGE fear. Keep reminding him to stay present and that he is bigger than his fear -e ven if you have a to say it a million times!
So I’m curious…you say some day you miss him so much it hurts. That’s a pretty intense reaction. Is this normal for you? I’m imagining that you are missing him because you are giving him some space and a day or 2 alone. It’s during these times you feel this way sometimes??
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome! I am soooooo so sorry for what has happened. It’s so shocking and there is nothing more awful than feeling the powerlessness of watching the man you love slip through your fingers.
I just have a few questions. Now that everything is out in the open, have you talked to him about what originally caused him to stray? So you have any sense as to why he started cheating? How old is he? You said you are still in contact. What do you guys talk about? What was his response when you offered to forgive and work through this? In your mind, what would that look like? Would you want to go to couple’s therapy? Work through it on your own? If he did say yes, I want to work through this, what would you need/want from him in order to build the relationship back up again? Do you feel he still has love/attraction towards you at all?
I know it’s a lot of questions. It will help give us a better idea as to what is happening. Again, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful!
Heidi
Hi LM,
I know you don’t want to leave, so let me ask you this…why do you want to stay? What does it mean sticking things out for you? Is that really how you want to have a marriage?? You just want to stick it out?? That’s enough for you?
You have tried sooooo many things and nothing is working. How much more work are you willing to invest while he sits by and does nothing. What is happening for you, that you want to choose this design and choose this kind of marriage? I imagine you don’t really feel a deep, connective love with him, so you must be staying with him for another reason. He is giving you something that you feel is worth holding onto. Do you know what that is?
This is a great discussion by the way! I love how open and honest you are. It’s a testament to your strength!
Heidi
Okay! This is great! Sometimes the best way to figure this out is to know what doesn’t resonate.
Tell us about the feeling you have about walking away. What is it? Do you have a physical response in your body anywhere when you think about walking away? What kinds of thoughts come up when you think about walking away?
Heidi
