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Hi CK,
Just checking in and seeing what your thoughts are. How are you are doing? How are you feeling? What is happening for you?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. It’s awful to lose that connection so abruptly because of his fear. It’s a very powerless feeling.
Here is a reality that is important for you to face. He is NOT a forgiving person. The fact that he is choosing to hold onto his past and not completely forgive and release the hurt feelings, means that he will do the same thing to you. He will hold onto stuff FOREVER and keep creating blocks and walls that interfere with connection. You have the ability to FEEL and connect deeply and he does not. He would rather stay a victim in his life rather than empower himself and take responsibility for his reactions and situations in his life. That means that you will spend a lifetime with him blaming you, with him constantly blocking connection with you in some form or another and he will NEVER have the ability to fully see you, value you and love you to the same capacity you will be able to offer him. THIS IS WHO HE IS!!! I have no doubt there also is a connection that feels really wonderful with him too. Whenever choosing a life long partner, the most important aspect you need to look at is, how do they treat me, themselves and others under stress. That is the most important, valuable piece of information you could have about someone. He is showing you that under stress, he runs. He is showing you that he does not forgive and he holds onto his pain so tightly. He is showing you he would rather stay “safe” than to risk loving deeper. He is showing you he would rather be in relationship with his fear and pain than with you. Is this the kind of partner/teammate you want to hand your heart over to? Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Is this the kind of “love” you want to embrace?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Thank you for sharing more details. I think your observations are spot on about him and this other woman. It sounds quite messy and chaotic and it doesn’t sound like something that will last. Regardless, she does make him feel some things in himself that most likely “brought him to life.” He probably feels passion and excitement, whereas with you, he feels stable and supported, but not romantic. Do you feel that way towards him? Do you have strong romantic, passionate feelings towards him? Do you feel chemistry with him? Do you want to passionately kiss him and hold his hand? Do you desire him sexually?
I’m wondering what your romantic/sexual history is with him and with yourself. If you feel like a roommate to him, is there anything you can see in your energy, or how you feel about yourself, that would contribute to him feeling that kind of energy with you?
I agree with Kanya in that THE IMPORTANT thing to do is for you to find yourself. I LOVE that you are looking into putting your degree to use. SPECTACULAR!!! Create your life the way you want and start to fulfill your needs. Men LOVE this and are highly attracted to women who live in that way.
In the end however, if he is not willing to face himself, his limitations and how he chooses to handle stress in his life, your relationship will never change and he WILL run again and find other ways to deal with his misery and discomfort other than facing it. So you have to ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship that is acceptable for you? Is this the kind of love you want to invest in? You may get him back if you wait around long enough, but then what? Do you have any standards as to what needs to happen if he wants to come back? What do you need from him before you take him back completely? What’s your plan if he does want to come back and gives up the other woman??
Heidi
Hi Kinsey,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question!
Do you guys just talk on the phone or do you text during the day as well? I get that it’s hard to not connect like you guys normally do. It’s VERY difficult for women, more so than men (generally speaking).
Do you have any inclination that he has romantic feelings for you??? I know nothing directly has been said, but is there any flirting? Does he give any signals at all that there is romantic interest on his part?
The danger here is you turning this “friendship” into something that it isn’t. It’s very important for you to get aligned with HIS reality as well. Are you positive he is single and completely available? Do you know very much about his relationship history?He has been investing a lot of time talking to you almost nightly – which a guy usually doesn’t do if he doesn’t have some level of attraction – but it’s not to say that he has enough attraction to take it to the next level.
For now, keep your distance. Let him come to you. Let him invest in the relationship. It feels good for a guy to have space to respond and invest in the relationship without always being led by the woman. I imagine there is still a little bit of exchange through texting, yes?
Heidi
Hi Bailey,
I am soooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is just so painful to be pushed away from someone you love so very deeply. I have been there before and it’s awful. I also want to tell you, as someone who has been through that a few times, is that you will be okay. You CAN heal and the love you have for him, is a love that can also grow and even be more expansive than you ever imagined, with another man. He is NOT the only person you are able to love. I know it’s super hard to imagine and that you don’t even want to go down that road, because you love him and he is the only one you want to grow with. I am only saying this to plant the seed, that we ALL are able to heal from a lost love AND create a new experience of love again. Us humans are resilient. No, it’s not a journey anyone likes to take, as the heart deeply hurts and unfortunately it’s a part of life. I feel your pain and confusion and I wish there were a way to just simply make it all better. You do have the choice to make these difficult times serve you and help you grow and learn about yourself.
Let’s just keep talking about this. We are here with you. You are not alone. We have been through this in our lives and can tell you that you are strong enough to make it through this and there is a way to get to the other side of loss. Let’s talk more about you quitting school. How come? I imagine you have some sort of vision for you life and that school will be able to support that vision. Tell us about that! I do want to recommend to NOT make any decisions when you are under high emotion. Right now, you are feeling depressed, confused and hurt. Would you be willing to wait a little bit before deciding to leave school and your job? Are you willing to just hold on and let yourself work through all of these emotions first and THEN you can decide what you want to do??
I’m not surprised he is pushing you away again. This is going to be his pattern. Until he faces his fears, he will ALWAYS do this you…and it’s not about you either. He would do this to any girl he was getting close to. His system believes that love is not safe. So the more he loves, the deeper he loves, he will automatically start to push that love away to stay “safe.” I know you want him to relax and I know you want him to see he is safe with you. I get it. The thing is, it’s a very STRONG program that is running in his mind and heart and there is nothing you or anyone can do about it. It’s all on him. He has a very limited capacity for love and a very low tolerance for intimacy. He can only offer so much before he will run.
I imagine you want a love that is free and limitless. I imagine you want a love where there is NOTHING stopping it. I imagine you want a love that is deep and intimate. I imagine you want a love that feels safe. The reality is Bailey, this is NOT the kind of love your guy is able to offer you. I know he is pushing you away and he is right to do so. You keep wanting to connect and love him deeper and he is telling you that he can’t…and he is right. He CANNOT offer you what you want and that’s the truth. He knows it and he is not willing to do the work to change any of that…and he gets to live his life that way. It has nothing to do with you not being enough to inspire that in him. It has to do with him not loving himself enough to fight for more in his life. He has soooooo much low self-esteem and that is much stronger than love. In fact, it’s the love that will trigger all the low-esteem in him.
So now the question is about you. What are YOU wanting to do? You are faced with a guy who won’t fight for himself, therefore he cannot fight for you. Now what? Are you going to keep fighting for him or are you going to fight for yourself now? It’s NOT love when you choose to love someone at the expense of your own needs…that is woundedness…that is hurt. True, healthy love is when BOTH people are being loved and cared for and honored both by each AND through themselves. He is not loving himself and you are not loving yourself…so what kind of love is that really? Just some things to think about.
Keep talking to us!! This is a good place to vent!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I understand your tears more! It’s just an automatic reaction to the stimulus of that thing being stuck up your nose. That makes sense and does not fit into my study at all…lol. It’s an interesting reaction you are having though….laughing and crying when the nurse would change your bandage as well. I’m so curious what is happening for you! I bet there is some deep subconscious thing getting triggered somehow. Not that it really matters anyway. It’s just my brain.
I’m soooooo glad to hear that no one has caught it! YAYAYAYA!!!! You must feel so much better!!! How are you feeling physically?? I know you were really tired, but have you had any other symptoms? Out of curiosity and because I just don’t know, at what point are you not contagious anymore??
I”m a little confused about your birthday. If I understand correctly, you are hurt because your friends don’t trust you, yes? They all don’t want to hang out, even though you are safe to be around, yes? What else is being triggered in you? Does it make you feel kind of like a “leper” or someone who is “contaminated” and people are going to just stay far away from you? Let’s explore the feelings coming up about this, because they are important!
Would you also consider celebrating your birthday in a different way? You definitely should celebrate your birthday!!!! People are getting really creative with how they are doing things these days, so I bet there is some sort of compromise where you get to celebrate your life and your friends are happy to join.
Heidi
Hi Bailey,
I love the plan that you both agreed to….1 day at a time! There is no better plan. It keeps both of you in the present moment.
Of course he is trying to protect both you and him by trying to push you away. A lot of people do that. It takes great strength to stay put and not run in the face of a HUUUUUGE fear. Keep reminding him to stay present and that he is bigger than his fear -e ven if you have a to say it a million times!
So I’m curious…you say some day you miss him so much it hurts. That’s a pretty intense reaction. Is this normal for you? I’m imagining that you are missing him because you are giving him some space and a day or 2 alone. It’s during these times you feel this way sometimes??
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome! I am soooooo so sorry for what has happened. It’s so shocking and there is nothing more awful than feeling the powerlessness of watching the man you love slip through your fingers.
I just have a few questions. Now that everything is out in the open, have you talked to him about what originally caused him to stray? So you have any sense as to why he started cheating? How old is he? You said you are still in contact. What do you guys talk about? What was his response when you offered to forgive and work through this? In your mind, what would that look like? Would you want to go to couple’s therapy? Work through it on your own? If he did say yes, I want to work through this, what would you need/want from him in order to build the relationship back up again? Do you feel he still has love/attraction towards you at all?
I know it’s a lot of questions. It will help give us a better idea as to what is happening. Again, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful!
Heidi
Hi LM,
I know you don’t want to leave, so let me ask you this…why do you want to stay? What does it mean sticking things out for you? Is that really how you want to have a marriage?? You just want to stick it out?? That’s enough for you?
You have tried sooooo many things and nothing is working. How much more work are you willing to invest while he sits by and does nothing. What is happening for you, that you want to choose this design and choose this kind of marriage? I imagine you don’t really feel a deep, connective love with him, so you must be staying with him for another reason. He is giving you something that you feel is worth holding onto. Do you know what that is?
This is a great discussion by the way! I love how open and honest you are. It’s a testament to your strength!
Heidi
Okay! This is great! Sometimes the best way to figure this out is to know what doesn’t resonate.
Tell us about the feeling you have about walking away. What is it? Do you have a physical response in your body anywhere when you think about walking away? What kinds of thoughts come up when you think about walking away?
Heidi
Hi!
So good to hear from you!!! Thank you for sharing all of this wonderful stuff, especially in the midst of your crazy and busy life.
It sounds like you are navigating really well and setting some good boundaries. I LOVE that you felt comfortable calling him out on a lie. Good job! I’m glad you forgave him. We ALL lie. We do it for various reasons and we all deserve to be forgiven. It’s just part of our humanness. Most lies are sourced by some kind of fear and are not meant to harm anyone. I love that you double checked on him. When he says that you should not doubt him and trust what he says, a good response is “I trust my intuition first and foremost above you or anyone else. If I sense that I need to check something, I will. If I don’t sense that, then I don’t. It wasn’t coming from a place of “mistrusting” you. I will always follow my intuition and my gut sense. It has NOTHING to do with you or my lack of trust of your words. This is just how I operate and live my life.”
The other day, I fell a bit down and told him that if he wants to find another woman who can make him better or help him, I will let him go with heavy heart and pray for his well being from a distance. What is this about?? I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to encourage you to NOT suggest breaking up unless you truly mean it. What you said here sounds more like an indirect way of you asking for him to fight for you somehow. I want to encourage you to just be straight up and ASK DIRECTLY for what you need instead of suggesting in some sort of way that he can find a better woman if he wants. Instead you say, “My heart is heavy today. I admit to feeling really insecure right now and a part of me wants to run. I’m not going to, but what would help so much is to hear that you accept me and still want me, even though I am really messy sometimes.” This is REALLY REALLY important to not ever suggest a break up of any kind unless you truly are ready to follow through, because otherwise, it breaks trust. He needs to know that you CHOOSE to stick around even in the times when you feel awful. YOU need to know this as well. This is a commitment I make to myself all the time, with my close friends and people who I know are worth fighting for, “I know we are going to be messy sometimes and I’m okay with that. I am willing to work through it and love us and me through it and come out the other end, even stronger. That is my commitment.” I have a tendency to want to instantly run, so this commitment is telling that part of myself that even when it gets tough, I AM NOT RUNNING! Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hey there! Haven’t heard from you in quite a while, so I thought I would just check in and see how things are going. You are missed!
Heidi
Yes, I know the adult part of you would know that it’s not your fault. I was more talking to the part of you that is carrying the guilt. That’s a little girl part of you carrying those feelings and she needs to be comforted and acknowledged.
I have heard people describe the test and they say the same thing!!! I get shivers thinking about it. It sounds pretty awful. Isn’t it funny how you cried and he laughed?? It’s always interesting to me, the different responses to pain and discomfort. I actually use that as a test when dating guys. Pain is pain, right? Whether emotional or physical, our response to pain is exactly the same. Being a trainer for 20 years, I have seen many variations of what people do when they reach their pain threshold AND I also see the level of pain tolerance they have. Some people start to laugh, some get really intense, some get angry, some get depressed, some just flat out give up etc. So by watching how they deal with the pain from lifting weights, I know how they also deal with emotional stress in their life. So…going to the gym is one way that I can get to know a guy and how he handles stress as well as seeing what his pain tolerance is. It’s been an effective tool for me! Just for future reference, of course. Are your gyms open over there? Ours are open, but masks are required and they only allow limited people.
Isn’t that sooooo interesting that you are all about Sagittarius??? That’s a pretty strong pattern you have there!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
You are having some great realizations! I love it!!!
Let’s keep talking:
I am not scared of being heart broken, I have been heartbroken before and I always know that it will pass and something better will come along. I have always trusted the universe in that way. Maybe think about this a little more. I know your brain KNOWS the truth, but there may be a part of you that is NOT connected to this truth and that part of you may be stronger than you think. Just consider this….you are choosing to stay with a man who is emotionally unavailable, not able to offer you the kind of love that you are wanting and are capable of having and is not someone who approaches life in the same way you do. The reality of this relationship (at the moment) is that you are not getting your very important and sacred needs met. Yet, you are choosing to stay. Looking at the discrepancy here, it shows you that something in you is afraid of something. My guess is, if you spend some quiet time with yourself and journaled, you might find a part of you that is afraid of losing him and doesn’t want to go through another breakup. You are ready to settle down and grow roots with someone and this guy is not showing up the way you thought he would. Maybe a part of you really wants to make this work, because you don’t want to start all over again. I’m just throwing ideas out there for you to consider and explore. Considering that 80% of how we live, what we decide and what drives our lives, comes from the subconscious, so one of the ways I explore my subconscious is to look at what I am feeling and what my decisions actually are. When they are not aligned, I know there are deeper layers to explore. So you choosing to stay is contradictory to what you want to experience in a relationship. There are MANY facets that are contributing to this discrepancy between what you want and what you are choosing. Have some fun with this!
This is probably related to my self work in some way, that I see this as an opportunity to work on so many things within myself and he has brought up many things for me that I have worked through. I used to take this approach all of the time when I was dating. I knew the guy was not up to the standards I wanted, I would always get triggered and I always considered them opportunities for growth – I would stay way past the expiration date! lol. Here is something to consider. There are certain things that will ALWAYS be triggering, because you are supposed to be. For example, when someone is unkind and says something mean to you or about you – you are always going to be hurt because you have feelings. If you didn’t hurt, I would wonder what’s happening inside of you. So trying to stay and keep working on the triggers he brings up on you, might end up putting you on the hamster wheel where you really never get anywhere, because you are supposed to be triggered – always. Many times, our triggers are very appropriate – to let us know we need to be cautious with that person. The other thing I want you to mull around and consider is that healthy people have a LOW pain tolerance. Meaning, they feel pain and they say, “I’m not willing to participate in this design” and they walk away QUICKLY. It’s not the same as running away. It’s a healthy, protective type of choice. Having a high pain tolerance means you end up staying in the situation that is constantly going to trigger you. Can you grow from that? Absolutely. But then you have to start to explore your relationship with pain and struggle. I used to have a crazy high pain tolerance. The more healthy I became, the more I released my baggage, the more solid I became in choosing a life that was peaceful. I choose joy and peace and ease over constantly dealing with triggers in a relationship. I choose flow and fun and growth with someone over trying to love someone who doesn’t have the capacity to match me. It took awhile for me to get to that place.
I’ve said a lot for you to think about. It may or may not resonate for you. Let’s keep talking about it though! Please understand I am not trying to convince you to leave. I’m just offering pathways of exploration so you can get to know yourself better.
So my main question is, what is keeping you with him? Another way to explore this is: What is he giving you, that you are not willing to give yourself?
Heidi
Hi LM,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I”m so sorry to hear about everything you are having to deal with. You have a pretty tough situation. It sounds like he is pretty set on his mindset and is not interested in taking responsibility for how he feels in his life. Whatever happened in his past must be pretty scary for him to face. It’s soooooo much easier to just blame the person in front of you than to take responsibility for the stories you create in your mind.
How long have you been married? I imagine he has been like this since you have met him. How he is behaving is just a coping mechanism and usually develops at a pretty young age. Is he on any medication? Is he willing to maybe try couple’s therapy or go through book with you?
Here is just a very harsh reality. If someone is only interested in blaming and not willing to learn and grow to become a better partner, there really is no chance for a happy marraige/partnership. It takes 2 to tango and there is just no way around that. If you want to grow and learn and become a better partner and he doesn’t – and he would rather just blame you – then you basically have 3 choices.
1. You leave
2. You keep growing and maybe get your own therapist/coach for yourself – it doesn’t mean he will change though, but you can change yourself
3. You stay and keep accepting that your needs are not going to matter and you will keep placating him and the stories he tells himself.There is nothing you can do for HIM and nothing you should for HIM. All you have control over is yourself…that’s it. You are putting all of your attention on him trying to make HIM happy, when that actually is not your job or responsibility. That’s HIS job. Your job is to make YOU happy. As long as you keep sacrificing your needs for him, you are going to be unhappy. I imagine there are parts of you that are wounded and hurting, just like him. People are always reflective of us. How he treats you is a reflection of how you treat yourself. Being that he is always questioning you, doesn’t respect you, has a very high need to control you, has a lot of low self-esteem, is depressed and anxious….I’m wondering…do you feel any of these inside of yourself as well? Would you say that you are respectful and kind with how you treat yourself? Are you aware of and connected to the low self-esteem you feel about yourself? Are you always controlling your emotions and how you feel?
Thoughts?
Heidi
