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A healthy relationship has both people on the same page. Do you feel he is on the same page as you as far as wanting to shift and change these patterns of a rollercoaster ride??
I do like him as a person I just don’t that part that stems from his jealous insecure parts that is basically driving a wrench in the relationship. I would like to work on it but to what extent you know. It’s really important to understand that you even love this part of him that is driving a wedge in the relationship. A healthy love is about loving ALL of the person, not excluding a single thing. To what extent do you work on it?? Until you feel complete. If you want to keep fighting for this relationship, then it means you work on it – until you don’t. There is no time limit or effort limitation here.
I always feels like I have to make him feel secure here but he don’t do the same for me. You don’t have to do anything. The fact that you have CHOSEN to align with his requirement for YOU to make HIM feel better in himself – is YOUR choice. You do not have to participate in that. It’s not your job to make him feel secure. It’s not his job to make you feel secure. Those responsibilities are within us. It is our own job to take care of that and not to be handed off to anyone else. The reality is, as long as he keeps looking to you to feel better and as long as you continue to agree to play that role, then nothing will ever change. You WILL spend the rest of your life trying to fill him up with confidence, because it will NEVER be enough. Because he is making you his source of self-esteem, he will NEVER get enough. Our self-esteem needing a source to feel good and be fed, is no different than our bodies needing food. It is a daily, constant need and that will never change. So if his source is you, then he will always rely on you for getting his “food.”. When it’s not you, he will find it another way from some other external source. That’s why we all have to become our OWN source of self-esteem – that way we are not putting that HUGE responsibility on anyone else. Just something to think about.
This is one of my favorite resources for relationship advice. There are workshops, books, blogs etc. https://www.gottman.com/
Here is another one: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Here is another great one: https://harvilleandhelen.com/Let me know if any of these resonate for you. If not, there are plenty more to share!
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Of course you have sadness every day. That is just a natural part of dealing with a husband who is cheating. Part of your sadness though, is not having some clear boundaries and not creating an ending to this path you are on. Your emotional system does not see any light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t even see the end of the tunnel, so there is no limit to how long you will stay suffering. There is no closure, therefore your system will continue to be sad and spiral around with no clear direction. The reality is, you are waiting around for him to come back. You are hoping that the limerance phase will end and he will come back. I always tell myself I will deal with that if he comes back. I guess I hope that coming back means he has started the internal work to get to that point of returning but maybe not. This is not a true statement. He has shown you that when things get tough for him, he runs and he avoids. He is not the kind of guy who does internal work to deal with his problems. He is the kind of guy who goes for the external fix instead. So if he comes back to you, he is only avoiding something inside of himself and grasping at another outside source to fix how he feels on the inside. The fact that you don’t have any boundaries is not honoring or loving to you. You basically are saying, I have love and passion for you and those feelings are way more important than how you treat me, so come on back and I will give you what YOU need. He basically has a swinging door to do as he chooses, as you don’t have any boundaries or standards as to how you are treated. Love and passion are not enough for a relationship. It never has been and never will be. It’s not a healthy love when you are loving someone else at the expense of yourself – and that’s what you are doing. It’s important for you to decide NOW what you require from him if he were to come back. What EXACTLY does he need to do to earn your trust back, to meet your needs, to help you feel safe in the relationship again?
“He sees me now as someone who kinda gave up my life and depends on him.” How true do you feel this is?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
It does seem this guy is not quite done connecting with you. How does that feel for you? It sounds like you might be a bit irritated with him. I’m curious…If he wanted to come back and give it another shot with you, would you say yes?
I’m so glad you get to celebrate your birthday! Yayayaya! That’s so important to get to do that and to have your family around you. Do you have a favorite kind of cake??
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful to understand more of the dynamics.
What would YOU like to see happen? It sounds like both of you are unsure about the relationship for different reasons. I can’t imagine that it feels okay for you to be questioned all the time, you feel like you can’t plan anything last minute and you are just always unsure what’s going to happen to next. He says he wants to work on the relationship, but in reality, nothing has really changed. It sounds like he is unsure about the relationship for various other reasons as well.
Have you guys thought about taking a weekend workshop together? Or maybe going through a book together? The thing is, these patterns cannot continue if you both want to stay together. These patterns will not change just by talking about it though. Some type of ACTION has to be taken to shift those patterns. So the question is, are both of you willing to do some actual work on the relationship to improve it?
It sounds as though he is super insecure. It’s a bummer he is not at least willing to admit to his own insecurities, because that is the place to start with growth. We ALL are insecure…it’s just part of being human.
So let me ask you this…do you like the kind of girlfriend you are to him? Do you like yourself and feel like who you are as a person is pretty great and he is lucky to have you?
Since you don’t feel ready to let go of this relationship, the other choice you have is to work on yourself. Is there any truth in what his complaints are about you? Even if there is a small truth and it’s something you feel good about aligning with, then work on improving in that particular area. It’s also important to ask yourself, why am I choosing to fight for a guy who isn’t sure about me? I imagine you would like to be with a guy who values you and appreciates you just as you are. I imagine you want to be with a guy who is peaceful and secure with who he is and feels completely okay with you making last minutes plans and feels completely okay with you texting however and whenever you want – because he is secure in himself. I imagine you want a guy who knows how to bring the best out in you vs. saying you are not enough sometimes. If these are the things you truly want, then this guy is not a match for you. So what keeps you fighting for him? I know you say you love him, but do you actually like him? Do you like him as a person? If he a person you want to keep connecting deeper and deeper with? I wish love were enough, but it’s not. Those feelings of connection are just a small part of a relationship. When it gets tough and messy and challenging, both people need to work together to get through whatever is triggering them. Both people need to be interested in learning how to grow themselves as individuals and also become better partners for each other. Do you feel you both have this kind of interest??
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
You are asking some great questions.
I always like to encourage people to be authentic and honest with how they feel and who they are. So you being cold, was not authentic. You were playing a game with him and that always has the possibility of backfiring.
What’s important for you to understand is that it’s NOT your feelings that he took for granted. It was your lack of boundaries. You can have deep, wonderful, beautiful feelings AND have boundaries and require that someone respect your feelings. Because you did not protect yourself in this way, he took advantage. Does this make sense??
For example, you could have said something like “Hi! It’s great to hear from you. I do miss you. Yes, I have your bracelet and I’m happy to get it back to you. I can mail it to you if you’d like.” This message is open, connective, honest AND it’s clear that you are not desperate for him, you are okay without him, even though you miss him. Here is the mindset you need to have: I have feelings for him AND I have standards as to how I am treated. My feelings for him DO NOT dictate how I connect with him – my standards do. If he does not meet up to my standards, I will disconnect, regardless of how I feel towards him. A mindset like this REQUIRES respect, being treated well, being valued and you will accept nothing less. This is self love. This is YOU choosing to love yourself over a man.
Does this make sense what I’m getting at??Here is a way that you can maybe repair this if you want. You can send a text saying, “Hey…I know I was cold the other day. I apologize. I wasn’t being authentic. I was being afraid. That’s not who I want to be. The truth is, I miss you. AND I also am learning about myself and how to be a better person – so I am really using this time apart to get to know myself better. It’s been hard because I really miss “us”, but it’s also been really good for me. That’s the truth. I’m happy to meet up and get your bracelet to you or mail it to you as well. Just let me know what you want. I’m glad you reached out.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Oh wow Robyn! I’m so sorry to hear this. Of course you are devastated!
Im sure you have talked a lot about this, so I’m wondering…do you have any sense into why he is so attached to being a biological father? I know you said he wants to be a father the way his dad was for him. What else is going on in there in his mind and heart? Sometimes, when there is a “desperation” type of energy and even an energy where someone is sooooo attached to something happening in a specific way and they are not flexible or moveable, there is woundedness and belief system built around that – and it lives in the subconscious. It wouldn’t be anything he would be aware of consciously. But there are signs of limiting beliefs that show up in small, subtle ways and if you pay attention enough, especially to your gut, you can find those cues. Do you have any sense about what I’m talking about?
Heidi
Hi Coleen,
It’s interesting that you have a belief that “just can’t stand that all the gorgeous guys are jerks, and only the men I’m not remotely attracted to have good morals.” What if you shifted your perspective? Is that something you are willing to work on?
I understand the online thing is tough! I help people with their profiles all the time and there really are ways that you can say things, that can attract completely different men. I’ve experimented with this myself many times. What dating sites are you on? Would you be willing to share what you wrote on your profile so we can have a lot and maybe offer some different ideas?
Also, if you are near the L.A. california region, check out http://www.aprilbeyer.com She is matchmaker. It’s free for women – it’s the men who are her clients. I always suggest for the ladies to go sign up even if they are not near California, because you never know. Anything can happen these days.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Here is an analogy that may be helpful for you. Imagine I give you a recipe for the most amazing cake. I give you all the ingredients and tell you exactly how to make it….except I also give you 2 cups of poop that you have to also include in that cake. So now what?? You can have all the best ingredients and the most amazing recipe, but it will NEVER change that you have 2 cups of poop that are in that cake. You can even make it look absolutely beautiful – but it doesn’t change there is poop in the cake. You are spinning your wheels trying to find all kinds of ways to make that cake eatable and taste good, but the truth is, it never will taste good as long as there is poop in it. You can keep trying though. The question is, is this how you want to spend your energy? Is this how you want to spend your time? Is this what you want to try and figure out?
It’s not really about this being a “lost cause.” This is really about YOU deciding what you are willing to fight for. You can keep trying to figure out how to make that cake work or you can decide “this is not how I want to spend my energy and my time. I want to find a cake recipe that doesn’t have poop in it.” Life is hard in the short term as you let this guy go, but eventually you open yourself up to finding a new guy that is actually able to be in a relationship with nothing stopping him.
Your life is YOUR design. So what do you want?
Heidi
Wow! He has been through a lot in his life as well. I totally get the turtle analogy. It’s not surprising considering everything he has been through.
I can feel how he is such a beautiful spirit and I can see why you would want to fight for him. He is just sooooo afraid though. He doesn’t forgive and release the hurts from his life, which is why he is a turtle. It’s a bummer because he really is missing out on life and he is missing out on you. His fear is like a security blanket for him….it comforts him and keeps him “safe.” The thing is, he gets to live his life that way.
It sounds like it is time for you to really embrace what you want in a relationship by NOT being his “friend.” The whole in and out thing is NOT healthy and just pulls you into HIS patterns, which feels awful. It’s supposed to feel awful. There is so much more to life than the limiting and small world he is creating for himself. Once you truly decide you are done with that pattern, you can disconnect, heal and allow for someone else to step up that will be able to meet your standards.
Do you know what you want to say?? Why don’t you write it out here and we can guide you with some ideas.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Wow…you’ve been through a lot this year! I’m glad you are still here to talk about this challenge with us!!!
Can you tell me more about his relationship history? It sounds like he has quite bit of fear about love and intimacy. Anyone who pulls away and then comes close and then pulls away and keeps in that cycle – they are pretty split. They have a strong part that wants to love and be close and then another VERY STRONG part that is TERRIFIED of love and will always sabotage. So it’s a battle between those 2 parts. The part that is terrified of love is just wounded and is afraid for some very valid reasons. That part is still carrying around the hurt. Unfortunately, he will ALWAYS carry that hurt until he deals with it and faces it. That part will ALWAYS sabotage love and connection.
What do you know about his past? His relationships with siblings and parents, his ex girlfriends etc?
Heidi
Hi Misty,
It sounds like there might be a little connection going on. Since you just moved in, it’s a bit of a tricky situation. I suggest to just stay low and let things develop vs. trying to force something. Give him room to breathe for a while and get used to you living in the house. Now that you are living there, it’s quite the risk to date in case something doesn’t work out. Be cautious! I would take this really slow and keep allowing him to take the lead. This is important for men. Do you know anything about his relationship history and his relationship with his ex-wife? Also, are you ready to lose your job in case it doesn’t work?
Heidi
Oh wow! Does your dad have symptoms!
Happy happy birthday Emily!!! I know it’s not quite the birthday celebration you wanted, but it sounds like you were well loved and appreciated. You are a pretty badass woman and everyone should be celebrating you as they are lucky to have you in their lives!!!
How do you feel about turning 35?
That is strange that there is a curphew for 9pm. It’s kind of funny how you put it…as if Covid all of a sudden wakes up at 9pm to 6am and decides to infect people….lol. I wonder what their thinking is.
Heidi
Yes! We all do this in some fashion or another. We ALL have issues with those who raised us and every single time, those issues get exposed through romantic relationships and love. He is quite normal actually. The only difference between people is how they react and respond to their issues. There are basically 2 paths to take…1. stay a victim and let those issues run your live and be in the driver’s seat or 2. take the path of forgiveness, work on healing and empower yourself to take control of your life.
Let’s look at what’s happening for you. Is there anything from your past that you can connect to this current situation? Since you want to fight for a guy who has a lot of low self-esteem and not willing to fight for you, you basically have chosen a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Is this a pattern? Is there anyone in your past that would have taught you that you are not valuable or worth fighting for? Or they were emotionally unavailable?
Heidi
I get it. A zoom birthday would suck! I know people are so completely over zoom and are wanting face to face interaction. I am now hearing how people are missing their families so much, they are going to travel to see them for the holidays. People are really craving personal interaction more now than ever. I imagine it’s going to just get worse as time goes on and people will just stop caring and reach out. I don’t know…we shall see what happens after the holidays. People are super stressed about our election right now as well. Voting has just started and will be closed in about 3 weeks. The amount of unrest, anger and discomfort is at an all time high right now for a lot of people. It’s a very interesting time!
I’m glad you were able to talk to your friend about how you felt. It’s good practice using your voice!
How old are you going to be? Is there 1 thing that makes it feel like your birthday?? For me, it’s all about my mom. Once I connect with her and she sings me happy birthday, it FEELS like it’s really my birthday. A cake and candles is always helpful too…lol.
Heidi
Oh wow! I am speechless Vino. I feel the energy of everything you shared and kind of like silence is the best way to honor everything you have been through. My mind wants to fill the page with words, but somehow that just feels inappropriate…just for now. So for this moment, I will let the words just have a rest and I will allow the power of silence to take over. Know that I honor you and the doors you have stepped through and I am really excited to see what begins to unfold for you, now that you have stepped through some new doors. Wow! this really is beautiful!
Heidi
