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Hi Rhonda,
So I’m curious…would you be open to him having a relationship with God in his own way? Would you feel comfortable if he chose to believe in God, but didn’t really align with the Christian perspective of who God is?
I’m wondering if he would be more open to explore “God” without a religious lens to it. I know he said he would be open to attending church with you. Have you ever had a conversation about what he thinks God is? Or isn’t? Does he have any kind of perspective as to how God works in people’s lives? Or even just talking about anything that is about God – beliefs, thoughts, experiences etc. Can you have a regular conversation with him about it, just as a curious person and not a Christian woman? No teaching, no judgments, no opinions (unless he asks of course) but just pure curiosity and learning more about him?
Fires are not out yet. The snow helped out some, but not entirely. It’s warming back up again next week, which is not good. I still keep praying for all of them and all the people who have lost their houses. I’m so glad to know the hurricane missed you!!!
So if you have to stay put for the holidays, are you thinking of ways you can still enjoy this time, without going home? I know nothing beats going home though.
Heidi
Hey there!
I know how exhausted you must feel. The thing is, you are supposed to feel exhausted. It’s a sign that the relationship isn’t working. How you both choose to operate in this relationship, brings more challenge than nourishment. That’s when it’s either time to really re-evaluate whether or not you want to stay, whether or not changing your perspectives, skills and knowledge is enough or whether he has what it takes to step up and join you in making this relationship better. So you have a choice to make. He is pretty emotionally fragile or he has very strong narcissistic tendencies. Either way, YOU are choosing him and agreeing to support these patterns for some reason. So I want to bring you back to these questions…what is happening inside of you, that you would fight for and choose to love a man who doesn’t believe nor see you as enough? What is keeping you connected to a man who blames you for his own misery and lack of motivation? He is not going to change. He can apologize all he wants and I’m sure it’s very sincere in the moment, but it’s not until someone takes action, that anything truly changes. And I’m talking about deeper, healing / self awareness kind of work, not simple behavioral changes – as you have learned, those changes are only temporary.
So you have admitted to being tired. You have admitted to seeing that he is not “mature” enough to support and see and value and appreciate who you truly are. Yes, he is great and you guys have an incredible connection. That’s not enough though. If it were, we wouldn’t be at a 50% divorce rate.
So what do you want to do? Do you still want to keep fighting for him?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
Thank you for sharing more details. How interesting!
Well done for pulling away and taking care of yourself. Unrequited love is soooooo difficult to deal and definitely is something that bruises the self-esteem. Taking care of yourself and getting back to your center and truth and connecting back to the amazingness that you are, is so very important. Men are highly attracted to women who know that about themselves and who are really good at taking care of themselves. That’s probably why he is interacting more with you. He doesn’t feel the “pressure” to have to take care of you emotionally. That’s a HUGE turn off for men, so being that you basically said “no” to him and pulled away to take care of yourself and are not available to connect again, but more centered and grounded, he is liking that. Good job!!!
I use the hero instinct ALL THE TIME with all of my friends. It’s such a beautiful way to connect someone to the greatness that is within them. It’s a powerful way to reflect back to them, the value they have in this world and in my life. So I love how you want to use it. Use it sparingly though. Meaning, only use it when you are truly inspired. Women have a tendency to overuse this technique trying to get what they want and it changes the energy of the technique…and men can feel that. They way you want to use it, is truly in its best form. You just want to make him feel good about himself and you don’t have an attachment to what ends up happening because of it. Of course you want him to end up having feelings for you, but ultimately, you are giving him experiences of feeling good about himself when he is around you. You are a good friend!!
Heidi
There have been numerous studies that show that people who believe in a higher power live much longer and happier lives. I know it’s difficult for many people to believe in something they cannot see. It’s times like these, when many things are out of control and things are being threatened that people tend to want to reach towards something bigger than themselves moreso than ever. I’m glad I believe in something greater than me. I am so much more peaceful that way!!!!
Speaking of which…any news about Robin? I’m curious how you are dealing with him not being a Christian. Does he believe in anything at all? Is yes, what does he believe? How did he come to believe in the way he does? Does he feed and nurture that belief at all?
Heidi
Hi Baily,
I know you have a “feeling” that he is the person you are supposed to end up with. I get it. Those feelings are super powerful. I want to encourage you to maybe put a different definition on those feelings. The truth is, just because you “feel” something, does not mean you should follow it. Feelings are NOT facts. We are at a 50% divorce rate BECAUSE people are letting their feelings lead them into relationships that don’t work. Feelings are important, yes. But what is more important is that BOTH people have the qualities, commitment, intelligence and desire for growth TOGETHER. That means BOTH people have what it takes to make a relationship last. Right now, who he is, he is not offering that to you. Right now, you are living FOR HIM instead of being your true, authentic self with him, for fear that you might lose him. That’s not a quality that builds a strong relationship either. You are spending your time and energy wondering if you should say something or not, because you are walking on eggshells around him. Your fear of losing him is SOOOOOO big, that you are losing yourself. Would you say that you are being your full expressive self? Would you say that you feel like you can say and be anything around him and it’s safe?
I also want to invite you to think about your age. You BOTH are so young and have a lot of learning to do about yourselves. Him wanting to make something of himself BEFORE he is ready for a relationship is important for him. You wanting to define the relationship and get a commitment from him so you guys can grow deeper together is YOUR focus. He is not willing to join you on your journey, but are you willing to join him on his? Even if he doesn’t see how his father is affecting him, can you accept that this is how he wants to live his life for right now? Can you let go of your path and the experience you want to have with him and just support him on his path? There are consequences to this. Either direction you go, you are dealing with loss. If you support him, you are letting go of your vision of the relationship and letting go of a lot of your needs. If you fight for your needs and your vision and what you want to experience, you will lose him. So really the choice is, what are you willing to lose? Yourself and your vision or him?
I like for people to experiment so they can gather more information. Experiment for maybe 2 or 3 weeks. Completely and wholly support him on his path. Let go of wanting anything from him that doesn’t naturally come out of him. Let go of your vision and what you want. Pay attention. See what happens. How do you feel about yourself? How did he respond? Just gather more info and learn about yourself and him and just see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
I love your questions and curiosity.
let’s talk about the hero instinct on a deeper level, so you can create your own ways to play with it. Basically, the hero instinct is about making your man feel pretty great about himself. It’s about making him feel valuable in your life. It’s about making him feel like he matters in your life. The hero instinct is a specific technique that allows a man to help you figure something out, which then activates his “hero” “I saved her” type of energy…but think about that energy for a second. What is it doing for him?? It’s giving him a dose of self-esteem. It’s giving him a dose of feeling valuable and purposeful in his life – which is really important for men. Even beyond the hero instinct, offering compliments is another powerful tool that has a very similar effect. So saying something like “You know, when you do________________, it makes me realize how amazing of a person you really are. I am a lucky girl to get to have you in my life.” Or “I love when you do_____________________. It puts a huge smile on my face and makes my heart melt.” Does this make sense??
Let’s talk about what you are trying to accomplish with the hero instinct. What is happening in your relationship that you are wanting to learn this technique?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Thank you for sharing all of this!
Let’s look at the word “strength” for a second. Here you say this: “Only the day I found out did I show emotion. So sadly I have kinda shown strength and boundries and it’s not helping or at least does not appear to be.” I personally would not call this strength. You have this private reaction, but all he has ever experienced from you is your forgiveness and ease with him. That is not authentic. It takes more strength to be real, honest, vulnerable and emotional WITH him than it does to have a private reaction. It would have been quite normal for you to have anger, hurt, tears and to say some things to him – at least in the beginning. That’s honesty. Of course, you are still working on yourself behind the scenes as well, but my point is, he hasn’t seen the real FULL view of who you are through all of this.
Strength is also MUCH MORE than boundaries and independence. Yes, those are expressions of strength. Those are not the areas he was missing from you. make me wonder if he needs both independence and center of attention??? Yes…this is exactly what he needed from you. His girlfriend running to meet him at the door is strength. It’s vulnerable and passionate. He felt needed and wanted, which is so very important for men.
Strength crosses into every area of our lives. What it sounds like from what he communicated from you, is that he was missing passion and vulnerability from you. Those elements can really keep a man engaged. It keeps the relationship interesting and engaging. Without passion and vulnerability, you become like everyone else to him. You become roommates, good friends, a comfortable companion. What really makes a romantic relationship different from every other relationship?? Intimacy. Without sexual, spiritual AND emotional intimacy, the relationship is just like any other relationship and there is nothing to make it different. My guess is, this is where the biggest hole was in your relationship. Of course, he contributed to this big time, but all you can do is look at your side of things and how you contributed to this.
There is an INCREDIBLE book that I love sharing with women. Everything I am talking about with you, as far as connecting with yourself, is coming from the same energy and message that is in this book. She also has several methods she teaches you of ways you can become more connected, more alive, more “wild” and free and unleashed as woman – in today’s world. Maybe this book will resonate with you: https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Womans-Way-Potential-Fulfillment/dp/1501179888/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1603279965&sr=8-1
Becoming this kind of woman means that you will be VERY attractive to a lot of men – but the RIGHT kind of men, who value and appreciate a woman who is strongly connected to herself, expressive in her thoughts and energy and full of passion and life.As far as what you want him to do before he comes back to you, let’s talk a bit about that as well. What you want, he has never once demonstrated in his entire life. I like to coach people to stay in the present moment, because that truly is all we ever have, right? So if you were to truly stay present and deal with WHAT IS, he would not be invited back into your life. Now, I know you want him to change and believe he can change. The odds of him changing are pretty slim, but you never know. So how do you stay present in the moment AND still hope that he changes so you can get him back??? That’s a fine line to walk. It’s a mind trick actually – in a roundabout way. Holding onto hope that he will change has some pretty big consequences to it – for you. It keeps your thoughts, emotions and spirit tied to a person that IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT is not what you need. Staying tied to him, keeps you stuck, in a really big way, from moving forward in all areas of your life. He is like an anchor to your ship that is trying to move forward, but that anchor only allows you micro movements, instead of being free to have movement forward as fast or slow as you want. Letting go of that anchor, actually is one of the best ways to create and generate movement and shift the situation entirely. The thing is, letting go of the anchor does not mean you don’t get to be with him. It means you are dealing with the present moment. You are accepting his choice, you are not interested in trying to change him AND you are going to live your life to the fullest. When you cut the anchor loose, you will have so much more passion and excitement for life. You will treat yourself differently, you will discover new parts of who you are, you will become more alive. This, in and of itself, could attract him right back to you faster than anything. At some point, he may ask to come back and you can see how you feel about that IN THE MOMENT. You may decide that he just is not enough for you anymore and you have grown past him. You may give him the opportunity if he went to counseling, which just means he will be on a growth path with you and then you guys are able to come back together. Who knows!!! Either way, you holding onto that anchor is stopping you from living your life fully and completely. That’s what he was missing from you, right? That still is HIS problem, but he was giving you a gift by saying that to you. He was letting you know that he missed your passion, your vibrancy, your vulnerability, your intimacy. Now is the time for you to develop that – on your own. When you harness those energies and find ways to express it all on your own – without needing him or anyone else to activate it – you become your own source. When you become your own source, you then become quite a powerful and attractive woman, just by being you. So basically, letting go of the anchor might actually cause him to want to come back naturally. Not because of anything you said or did, but just because you are loving yourself and your interest ABOVE ALL ELSE, is to live the life you have left, with as much passion, vibrancy and joy as possible. If THAT is your focus, you will win either way. You will enjoy life so much more. If he comes back, then great. If he doesn’t, then that’s okay too. Your happiness will not depend on him. This is a quality men LOVE!!!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
What platform did you listen to the Lee Baucom and James Bauer podcast? I’d love to hear their conversation.
Before we go any further, I’ve addressed this before with you, but it didn’t seem like something you were able to connect with. I’d like to circle back around to it, as it’s a key component to your journey. Since you want him back, under what conditions will you take him back? Let’s say he comes back to you, finally decides he wants to be with you and breaks up with his current girlfriend. Are you going to accept him at face value and just take him back, as is? Let’s even say he apologized for how he behaved and he says “you were the only woman who could put up with all of his mess and still love him.” Is that all you need from him to take him back?
I know you said you will deal with it when it happens, but I want to encourage you to get VERY clear about what you want, beyond just wanting him back. This is about respecting yourself, having boundaries and standards as to who gets to hold onto your heart. This is actually a highly attractive quality to men. Men need to earn the right to hold your heart and they love to chase. The more respect and love and standards you have around you as to how you expect to be treated, the more a man will align with that. If he just waltzes back into your life without really earning the right to be there, you are teaching him that he can behave and act however he wants and you will accept it. This is not respect nor love. He is not loving you and you are not loving yourself by allowing yourself to be walked all over like that. But again, you get to do whatever you want and be whoever you want. Remember, how you treat and think about yourself is how others will treat and think about you.
So what are you wanting or needing from him, if he were to want to come back into your life?
This is also important because one of the reasons he left was that there was no passion. He is choosing a lot more drama, but it makes him feel alive on some level. This is about you becoming and connecting with that powerful woman inside of you. Think back to the beginning of the relationship and who you were and how you guys interacted. It sounds like you guys had a great connection back then. What parts of you back then, are missing from you right now? What parts of you back then, can you begin to be again, within yourself? Learning how to activate those energies is really important. Becoming the full and expressive version of yourself is your journey here. Do activate passion in your life? Do you activate physical and emotional pleasure on a daily basis? Do you activate your feminine energy a lot? How about your masculine energy? Do you feel like your life is interesting?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Anastasia,
Thank you for sharing more details.
Knowing that he has these really big fears that end up controlling his life, what do you need from him in order to get back together? “I told him that he certainly would need to work on these things on his own but that I would be there to support him.” Being that this is a very strong pattern of his, that will not change until he changes. Even if you get back together, he will run again, no matter what you do to be a better partner for him. This is how he copes with his life.
So what are you hoping for by getting back together? He can be the greatest guy in the world and you guys can have the most beautiful and powerful connection, but as long as his fear is greater than his love, none of that will get to be fully expressed and experienced to its full potential. Like you said, he needs to “work” on himself, but what does that look like? How are you wanting him to do that? Is that something that is even in his nature? Is he someone who is interested in growing and willing to ask for help? Is he someone who typically faces his fears vs. letting him control them?
Heidi
Oh goodness…rain with 96% humidity? Yikes!
We just got a big dump of snow with 10 degree temps over the weekend. As much as that isn’t very fun either, I was so glad for it to help with the fire management. Over the weekend, the fires jumped up to being 75% contained. Both my clients are back in their houses and the cat is okay. Thank you for your prayers!!! Fire is very cleansing. I guess the west really needed it this year. Such an interesting time right now.
Heidi
I sure hope you get to go home too! What happens in November that will let you know if that’s possible?
It really is great that your name and skills are getting out there! That means more possibilities for you!!
Yes, I’m safe…thank you for asking. The fires are super close though. I’ve had 2 clients evacuated. Their homes are still standing, but they are not allowed to return yet. They both have some friends who lost their homes. It’s devastating. The smoke is crazy intense as well. I was sick for a few days with my lungs hurting and my throat burning. It’s raining ash here every day. It’s so sad. People in general, feel so defeated. Covid and the election combined was enough to send people over the edge and now these fires have shown up, breaking historical records. Wow! What a time this is!!! One of my clients had 30 minutes to get out of his house. His poor cat had to be left behind because he couldn’t get it from behind the washer and the cop was at his door yelling at him to get out. A lot of adrenaline. It’s an intense time for the West right now. I’m just praying a lot for all the over-worked and under staffed fire fighters and all the people and animals that have lost their homes.
Heidi
I agree…everyone is really stressed right now. It seems like people collectively are reaching their tolerance levels and starting to “pop.” I have 2 clients whom I’ve worked with in the gym for over 5 years, yell at me. It was something I said and how I said it that triggered both of them into a tailspin of anger. I was so shocked!!! It was so out of their norm. They of course apologized, but I’m hearing other stories of people doing and feeling the same thing. We will get through this time. I feel very lucky that I have spent my life diving into intense emotions and feeling uncomfortable with life. So this whole season is nothing new for me and I know how to handle it. I personally see this season as transformational. People are so uncomfortable that they can’t keep burying, so it has to come out….and once it all gets uprooted, it can be dealt with. 2020 really is all about transformation and evolving to a higher level of functioning. Something like that is not possible without exposing everyone’s baggage and dealing with it. This season is not fun, but it feels necessary to “clean up” how we have been functioning in this world. It’s time for all of us to do better.
I’m curious…what would happen if you stayed out past curphew?
Heidi
Man….7pm??? That’s tough. Every country is doing it so differently. I have a friend in China and when he finally got to come back into the country they took him to a hotel and he was not allowed to leave for 2 weeks. They brought him meals 3x a day outside of his door and that was the only time he was allowed to open the door. With that being said, he said hardly anyone was wearing mask and life was continuing like normal…crazy, busy streets and people just going about their day like normal. Interesting!!!
From the people I am surrounded by, most people are bracing for something horrible to happen after Election Day. They are expecting something crazy from Trump And the republicans if he looses Or they are expecting something crazy from the democrats if he wins. Either way, people are bracing themselves. I think Covid is easy to deal with compared to the stress everyone is feeling about the future of our country. I thought our last election 4 years ago was crazy, but this one is even more intense!!!
So….are you back online dating again? How is your pup??? Is your old place all finished now and ready to rent out?
Heidi
This is a great question.
What I would like to ask in return is, are you sure you want to align with his version of love? If (and it most likely is) his version of love is full of all kinds of woundedness, fear, addiction and limiting beliefs, are you sure you want to spend your energy on trying to get him to love you from his perspective? Just something for you to consider.
How do you feel about his version and definition of love? You are saying he is pairing love with lust. Do you know that may come from for him?
Looking forward to your response.
heidi
Hi Rhonda
Oh man this is great news that you might be able to get home!!! I sure will be sending you good vibes that this happens for you. I know how much it will feed your beautiful spirit!!
I love Kanya’s suggestion for light therapy. Great idea! here is a website that takes it to a different level. Interesting tips! http://Www.raoptics.com
Keep us updated!
Heidi
