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Hey there! Just checking in. How are you feeling? Have you decided what you would like to do? Would love to get an update from you.
Heidi
Hi Manasavi,
How are you feeling? What’s happening for you? We would love to hear an update from you.
Heidi
Hey there!
Where’d you go? Would love to hear an update and how things are progressing for you!
Heidi
Hi Misty,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going for you. We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
What’s happening for you? Any new updates, realizations or new clarity? We would love to hear from you!!
Heidi
Hey there! We haven’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I’d check in. How are you feeling? Any new updates?
Heidi
Hey there!
Haven’t heard from you in a super long time! Hopefully things are going really well for you and that your relationship is growing deeper and more connective and feeling safe for you! I would love an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I understand your confusion. I know you know this already, but I’m going to just remind you. There will ALWAYS be many things you won’t like about someone. I’m sure he is stumbling across things he doesn’t like about you. It’s deciding if whether or not those things are flaws that we are able to love and accept in our lives.
You have never experienced love in the way that you have always imagined and are seeking. With that being said, I would expect both of you to sabotage anything that starts to feel like it could take you deeper than you ever have before. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t sabotage as love takes them deeper. My coach taught me this years ago and I have seen it at play a million times since, even in myself. “The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want but their system is not set up for it.”
I’m not saying that what you are feeling is a sabotage. I’m just saying it could be.Who knows, because sabotage and true feelings look and feel EXACTLY the same. Remember that your emotions are NOT facts. There is always something those emotions are trying to lead you to…which is your truth…but you gotta take a journey to discover them instead of letting your emotions lead you. This is a perfect time for you to take a deeper journey in yourself to discover what your true feelings are. For right now, you don’t have to decide anything. For right now, your feelings of being unsure and confused are great! You get to explore them and discover what is there for you! They can take you on a self-discovery journey if you follow their lead. You will eventually get to a place of greater clarity and will know which direction you would like to head in next. Trust yourself.
An exercise you can start to practice is to say to yourself, “It’s safe to love.” “I am more than this confusion, and it’s safe to be happy and at peace.” You can replace the word “confusion” with whatever resonates for you. These are thoughts you can say to yourself every day, a million times a day. It’s reprogramming your subconscious. Whenever I’ve really intentionally have done something like this for a few days, I become so much more clear – because I am directly dealing with whatever conscious or subconscious fears are coming up.
How did the exercise go that Kanya suggested?
Heidi
Hi Karmel,
Being fought for and sought after is a very powerful feeling for a woman, especially if she did not experience that as a child. He came into your life for a reason. The fact that you are calling your feelings for him “love” tells me that you most likely did not receive a healthy love growing up and was not rolled modeled healthy love. It’s NOT love when you are connecting to someone at the expense of yourself. It’s woundedness that is driving the feelings, NOT true love. Here is another way to put it…you are “loving” a man who believes you need to lose weight, who has lied to you numerous times, who ghosted you many times, who is cheating and has no integrity and so on. “loving” him means that you are NOT loving yourself. Your needs and your feelings get put on the backburner if you stay in a relationship with him. You DO NOT honor and respect yourself therefore he will treat you as such. YOU are the one who teaches people how to treat you. So by you not loving yourself, you attracted a man who supports and aligns with that.
You setting boundaries and not letting him into your life, is YOU respecting yourself, caring about yourself and having standards as to how you are treated. He is a great person to practice this with!!
Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Another thing to also consider, is that any parent who puts their own core, fundamental needs above the children, is someone who would be very difficult to be with in a relationship. The fact that him and his ex-wife are misleading and lying to the kids to keep them from getting upset, is concerning. They are living a fake life, they are putting their entire lives on hold for the children. This is not a healthy way of parenting. There is something pretty big that is missing in him that would make him a good partner to go through life with. Parents are the leaders in the relationship and the way him and his ex are living, they are making the kids the leaders.
I understand he is doing the best he knows how. I’m only saying this to point out something you may have missed. When wanting to open your heart to someone, its CRUCIAL you truly understand all about the kind of person you are inviting in. Most times, people get swept away and consumed by the feelings of attraction and they miss or ignore all kinds of red flags…because the attraction feels so darn good. It’s like a drug! Whenever strong feelings of attraction show up, I always encourage people to take things even slower and become as objective as possible while getting to know them.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You have created quite the story around what is happening. Do you recognize the contradictions you are having about it? First, you say it’s his work and that he is really stressed. Then you say he is avoiding you and that it hurts every time he says he has to work late. I’m pointing this out because it’s soooooooo important for you to recognize your patterns, your shut down, your own reactions to his choices. You wanting to just pull away quietly is your way of sabotaging of the relationship. Just as you were noticing that he hasn’t healed from his past, this is you not having healed from your past by just pulling away, offering friendship and ending the relationship without having ever used your voice or trying to work through it with him in an open and authentic way. It’s exactly my pattern as well! No judgment from me and I hope you know that. I’m just bringing it to your attention for you to notice and be aware of yourself. Well done for coming here to ask us first before making any decisions! That’s what makes you smart and a great partner to be in a relationship with! Well done!
My suggestion is to have a conversation about it. Be honest. Say things like “I have noticed over the past few weeks we have connected much less and work is always the reason for you. I will admit to feeling like you are avoiding me or maybe it feels like you are starting to lose interest. It also felt like you were not very excited to be able to meet up. Basically, I am feeling you pull away and I admit that I am taking it a bit personally. That’s my issue, but I do want to talk about it. What’s happening for you?”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Sahi!
This is great stuff!
3. I wonder, since he is open to the therapist thing, maybe I will continue to remind him about this. I almost wonder if I should tell him about the conversation we just had and that an expert is suggesting that he is holding himself back by not seeing a therapist and hurting not just himself but the relationships he is in because of it. No. DO NOT say anything. First, you are putting yourself in a “motherly” type of role by telling him that. It’s an energy of you trying to “fix” him. You already gave him the name of a therapist. That’s enough. If he finds out you were talking about him, all he will hear and feel is that you are not happy with him and he is not enough for you. Lay low for awhile. Things that might be helpful would be if you listened to a podcast that you found fascinating and you share it with him or books that you come across that could help. Here is a great book: I even highly suggest women to read it. So maybe you can purchase the book, start to read it and leave it out on the table so he sees it.
The goal here is for HIM to feel like it was HIS idea to grow. If you keep offering ideas, he will internalize those hints that you are saying he needs to be fixed. So dropping a few hints is great, but then let it go OR find ways to drop hints that make him think he was the one who stumbled across it. Maybe even consider YOU going back to therapy. There are things you can work on in yourself and him watching you do it, sharing with him your experiences and what you are learning, may give him the courage to take that step himself. Who knows! Does this make sense?
As far as your choice to keep working on the relationship with him, you sound very clear and that is the most powerful place to be. Your goal now is to keep working on yourself, staying present, staying in gratitude and figuring out ways to love yourself even deeper. A healthy love DOES NOT exclude you. Many women will fight to stay with the man, but in that choice, they are not loving themselves. “Loving” the man means they are rejecting their true needs and desires and that is NOT love. I’m not saying that is what you are doing. I’m saying there is potential for that to happen, so just make sure you are staying very closely connected to loving yourself. When you are making decisions, you can ask yourself “Is this choice that I am making, loving to myself and to him?” That is a good guiding question.
Heidi
It’s impossible to NOT be afraid of losing him, but there is a way to keep that fear in the back seat instead of the driver’s seat. Working WITH your fear is important. One thing I do when my fears come up, is I remind myself of who I really am and I tell myself the FULL story.
When fear shows up, the story you are telling yourself is, “If I say or do_______________I could lose him.” Using this technique that I call “finish the story” would look like, “If I say or do_________________I could lose him AND I will be okay. AND I am resilient. AND I am valuable and loveable and I will love again, because I can.” It’s allowing your fear to exist AND also reminding yourself of the truth. That is a way you can immediately begin working with your fear of losing him.
Hopefully this helps a bit. Feel free to just keep sharing here…vent, share your thoughts, share your fears, your insecurities…we are here for you through this whole process. Use us!
Looking forward to your updates!
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details! This is really great!
one more question…But also know we come from two different economic backgrounds so he always feels a bit nervous that he is not as well established as he needs to be. Does he love what he does for work? Does he feel like he has a good purpose in life?
This ABSOLUTELY is a huge influence on a man’s ability to connect deeply. For men, being solid and happy in their career means EVERYTHING to them. Their ability to produce in this world is the #1 instinctual drive and core of their self-esteem. For women, it’s all about relationships. We are the relationship caretakers and when this area is not quite going the way we want, we tend to get all messy. So the instinctual drives are very different between men and women.
Let’s talk more about the details you have shared and we’ll continue to take you step by step in the direction you are wanting.
First, it’s important to understand that with the kind of background he has, he is carrying an incredible amount of pain and fear inside. That will NEVER change unless he decide to get some help to heal from the traumas. So let me give you a picture of what you are wanting to step into. Let’s say eventually he does end up committing. All that will happen is you will continue to face 1 more wall after another. Yes he committed, but to grow and get to the next level of his heart will take years again. There will be a point at which you hit a wall that will be impenetrable. There will be a point where he will sabotage the relationship. You will NEVER get deeply into his heart and make him feel safe to open up. That is only a journey he can take. You can offer that experience, but you cannot help him feel something that he doesn’t even feel inside himself. I want to give him signals of safety and also quietly signal that he may fear a loss of someone close to him but that I am a steady presence in his life so that he can feel safe when hes ready to make those commitments (I hope that makes sense). This statement is an illusion. You are only a steady presence in his life right now, but maybe not tomorrow or next week or next year. The reality is, love is a HUGE risk. There are no guarantees and because of this, he is maintaining some pretty serious walls around his heart. Someone like this will ALWAYS have another wall for you to have to deal with in some form or fashion. You will constantly be seeking more from him…more emotion, more connection, more growth, more communication. You will always know that he has so much more inside of him than he is willing to give. This is the kind of man you are choosing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight for him. I’m just saying that it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you are clear and have conscious awareness of what you are actually fighting for….a very difficult relationship with a guy who is emotionally unavailable and will never be able to offer you more than what he is giving you right now….unless he gets some help. Your journey is about loving him exactly as he is and not for who he could be. I know you see his potential and know what he is capable of, as I’m sure you’ve had many moments of closeness, depth and a powerful connection. I wish those things were enough to make a relationship last. For a relationship to last and be healthy, vibrant and nourishing though, both people need to be committed to themselves and their growth as a person first and then committed to a certain kind of experience with their partner. What he is showing you by behaving this way, is he doesn’t have the ability to forgive. He has become victim to his past. He is not living with his past in the past. He is bringing his past into the present and keeping it all very much alive with all the stories he has created to keep himself safe from getting hurt. Those stories are always going to be way more powerful than you and the love you offer him. We ALL do this in some for or fashion. It’s a survival mechanism. The thing is, he is choosing to keep those stories alive and let fear run his life and as long as he lives like that, you will always be feeling how you are now in some way. He will not all of a sudden change one day…in fact, he will continue to get worse. The longer these stories live inside of him, the thicker the walls become and the more miserable he will be. Going by who he is today and how he is behaving, this the kind of experience you are signing up for. If you feel you can love him for EXACTLY who he is today and not for who he could be one day, then go for it! Be patient, be accepting and keep consciously choosing this experience. That is one of the very best and most powerful ways to support him and help him have a new experience in his life.
I know you want more from him. What I suggest is to practice switching your mindset. It will work for awhile, but eventually you will circle back around to this spot of wanting more from him, because it is in your nature as a woman and as the caretaker of your relationship, to inspire growth. But for now, the way to shift your energy so he doesn’t feel pressure, is to focus 100% of your attention on what he IS giving you. Be in a space of gratitude for who he is in your life. When you are struggling about what he isn’t giving you, remind yourself that he is a terrified little boy, it’s nothing personal and then remember moments where he has really given you a lot and connected with you deeply. Keep forgiving him for his limitations. Keep connected to the truth that even though he is moving at a snail’s pace, he still is having a good enough experience with you to be connected and take a journey. When you shift your perspective to this and take the pressure off of him, your actions will align with this way of thinking and he will feel that.
Keep working towards meeting his family. Keep suggesting for him to meet your family and when it doesn’t work out many more times, let it just be okay. Give it a rest for a while and then try again. Let him be a scardy cat. Your full and complete acceptance of this about him and even you loving this part of him and having compassion for this part of him, is what has the most powerful potential to shift things and create growth.
I realize I have said a lot, so I’ll stop here. There are many more layers and things to say, but let’s see how this makes you feel first and then we can go to the next steps and see what works for you.
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Sahasra,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your questions with us!
It sounds like you are doing a really great job using the techniques and it sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection.
There are A LOT of things that play into someone’s speed at which they move forward into a relationship. It’s really important that you understand what his are and what yours are.
My guess is, this is a fairly new relationship. How long have you been dating? How old are both of you? Do you know much about his relationship history? What is his relationship like to his parents? What was his childhood like? Many times, people wanting to move faster or slower is really connected to their core, subconscious beliefs about love that got created in childhood. What about you? What was your childhood like? I’m also wondering what your need is to get a commitment from him right now. It sounds like you guys have an amazing connection and things are going well. What’s the rush?
Many times, if you take the pressure off of wanting to meet everyone and truly allow him to take the lead, the guy will relax and all of a sudden, it happens…but it’s so much better because it’s happening organically and not because the girl was pushing. You may not be overtly pushing him, but you would be surprised how much the guy can feel the energy of his girl and what she wants. It’s more palpable than you think.
I’d like to encourage you to first understand what his reasons are for being how he is instead of trying to figure out how to get what you want. I’d also encourage you to dig deeper into your reasons for wanting to go faster. This type of exploration into yourself and into him is what you will want to do for the rest of your life with any partner you have, if you want a successful relationship. Understanding what makes someone who they are is far more empowering than just trying to get them to do what you want so you can be happy. These are the initial steps. Does this make sense?
Heidi
