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Hi Georgette,
Yes! It makes complete sense and I can see why you would believe this way. There is a deeper truth here though. We all come into this life with a different emotional structure, which means we respond to the same exact situations VERY differently. His children are NOT your children. It’s an ENTIRELY different situation, different parents, different emotional makeup, different resources, different friends etc. The truth is Divorce DOES NOT CAUSE these challenges. What causes the emotional challenges in our lives, is the story we end up attaching to a situation. That story is where the stress lives. There are thousands of people who have gone through divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, homelessness etc. and they don’t have addictions or attempted suicides. There are thousands that do as well. So again…it’s not about the actual situation that causes addiction or suicide, it’s the emotional response and story that is attached to the situation. Your youngest most likely was born being EXTREMELY sensitive which means that EVERYTHING that happens in her life is going to feel much harder than it does for most. It’s not your fault that she is choosing what she is choosing, although I know that is not what it feels like for you. If you had stayed together in an unhappy marriage, who’s to say she still wouldn’t have these experiences in her life. She would have ended up with 2 very unhappy parents who are trying to stay together for her? No kid respects that and all you are role modeling is to sacrifice your needs for others. Is that what you would have wanted to teach her? You guys getting divorced was role modeling to her that it’s important to fight for your happiness, even if that means breaking up. Is that such a bad lesson?
There are a million ways I could spin this. I’d like to invite you to create a different story around divorce that empowers you. Here is the story you have created about divorce: The kids may be hurt or angry if they find out but in the end I do think they will see how much their parents gave up just so that they could have a decent childhood, instead of one where they felt at fault or unloved or neglected or whatever else children of divorce feel. I could throw a penny and hit someone who grew up in a divorced household and they don’t feel neglected or unloved. Children do have to process the split, of course and they do have heavier feelings about it. But HOW they respond, whether they become a victim or empowered by the experience, has to do directly with the emoti.nal structure they came into this life with. It’s the nature vs. nurture thing, right? It’s both. You can provide the most amazing, nourishing, loving home and provide the best nurture you can, but that DOES NOT override your daughter’s nature. Your daughter’s nature is what responds to her life in the way she does. That’s why I’m inviting you to create a different story around divorce. That is HER experience, it does not have to be yours.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Are you willing to start to care for your needs more? You are just as important and valuable as the next person. This is such a great time for you to start to know and practice that with yourself.
Heidi
Hi Michele,
It must feel really awful to have been “dumped” on with a cat situation and him not even checking in. I don’t blame you for healing hurt and wondering if he even cares. That is an answer no one has, except for him. The way he is behaving, it would seem that he really is more connected to his new life and he is not very connected with you and your experience. Does my silence indicate to him I am moving on more?? It’s possible and that may be what he really wants. OR, your silence could end up triggering something in him that makes him feel like he misses you. Either way, there is no way to know as you guys are not in communication. All you have to go by are his actions. His actions are showing you that he is not interested in knowing or caring about what you are experiencing. Your job is to stay focused on yourself and keep doing PIES. Keep forgiving him and keep working on becoming the very best version of yourself, whether or not he is responsive. That is the secret to attracting men. When a woman loves herself, takes care of herself, holds a deep confidence about her, respects herself and lives a full, vibrant life…men want to be around that!
It’s respecting yourself by not reaching out and connecting with him after he dumped a challenging situation on you. Maybe next time, you will decide to not let him dump something on you – which is a great way for him to feel how you respect yourself by having boundaries.
What are some specific ways you are doing PIES? I’d love to hear how you are feeling about yourself and what you are specifically doing to improve your life.
Heidi
I know that must be hard for you. He was so connective and behaving like a boyfriend, but then he just disappeared. It’s confusing and heartbreaking. There is a solution to your situation, but not the one you want. You want him to love you back and you want to be in a relationship with him. The truth is, he isn’t capable. Really think about this….do you want a guy to be your partner in life who has the ability to just up and leave whenever he feels like it, without a word? The fact that he is even capable of that, tells you that when stress is high enough, he will bail. That is NOT a partner. That is NOT someone who is loving. What that is, is a someone who is letting fear completely control their life and when fear is in the driver’s seat, trying to solve a conflict or face challenges in a relationship, will be near to impossible. Is that the kind of man you want to partner up with?
I know you feel like you love him. I know there are some amazing qualities about him, otherwise you wouldn’t have connected with him to this level. AND…you also have to remember that the limitations he has, sabotages love and connection. Love is never enough to keep a relationship healthy and sustainable. You can love him, but that does not mean you would love a relationship with him. Those are 2 very different things. I always coach people to choose who to let into their life according to the WORST parts of a person. Who a person is, in their worst, needs to be workable in a relationship, loveable and acceptable. Is him ghosting you workable in a relationship? No. Is him ghosting you loveable and acceptable? No. By choosing to love him anyway and wanting to invite him back into your life, means that you are not loving nor respecting yourself. It means you are teaching him that he can do whatever he wants and because you love him, he can come back. It means that you are teaching him that he does not have to respect you, because ultimately, you are not respecting yourself.
It’s important you get VERY clear about what you want in a relationship. I’m sure a lot of what he did would be included in that AND would not be included. You can love him, but it doesn’t mean your feelings are to lead you into a relationship with a guy who has the ability to just up and leave without saying a word.
Thoughts?
Hi Kate,
Welcome! I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Of course you are scared! The thing is, you don’t want to rely on him to make sure you feel safe in your life. Have you ever tried finding a community or support group for people who have MS? I used to have a friend a while back who was part of a group and she LOVED it! She had many friends, she had help, she had people who knew the MS community really well and were able to guide her – it was great! She had no one by the way. She was single, no parents or siblings or anyone in her personal life that could help her, so the community she connected in with, really helped her feel safe in her life. I think finding help, beyond your mother and your now ex boyfriend would be the first step in helping you cope with your situation.
I’m sorry that things ended for you. It sounds like he was very particular about what he needed and you agreed to it. It doesn’t sound like there was much growth over the 20 years. Of course you miss him. It will feel like for a while. He’s been part of your life for 20 years. It will feel like something is missing for a period of time as you figure out your new normal. It’s so important for you to fill your life with fun, pleasure, nourishment and self-love while you go through this. From what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like you truly want the relationship back. I think you are really seeing that he wasn’t very invested anyway and is not willing to fight for the relationship. I imagine you would like to be with a man who deeply loves you and wants to be with you and wants to live with you and know every part of who you are. He is not that guy. Are you willing to really let him go?
Heidi
Hey there! Just checking in. How are you feeling? Have you decided what you would like to do? Would love to get an update from you.
Heidi
Hi Manasavi,
How are you feeling? What’s happening for you? We would love to hear an update from you.
Heidi
Hey there!
Where’d you go? Would love to hear an update and how things are progressing for you!
Heidi
Hi Misty,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going for you. We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
What’s happening for you? Any new updates, realizations or new clarity? We would love to hear from you!!
Heidi
Hey there! We haven’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I’d check in. How are you feeling? Any new updates?
Heidi
Hey there!
Haven’t heard from you in a super long time! Hopefully things are going really well for you and that your relationship is growing deeper and more connective and feeling safe for you! I would love an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I understand your confusion. I know you know this already, but I’m going to just remind you. There will ALWAYS be many things you won’t like about someone. I’m sure he is stumbling across things he doesn’t like about you. It’s deciding if whether or not those things are flaws that we are able to love and accept in our lives.
You have never experienced love in the way that you have always imagined and are seeking. With that being said, I would expect both of you to sabotage anything that starts to feel like it could take you deeper than you ever have before. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t sabotage as love takes them deeper. My coach taught me this years ago and I have seen it at play a million times since, even in myself. “The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want but their system is not set up for it.”
I’m not saying that what you are feeling is a sabotage. I’m just saying it could be.Who knows, because sabotage and true feelings look and feel EXACTLY the same. Remember that your emotions are NOT facts. There is always something those emotions are trying to lead you to…which is your truth…but you gotta take a journey to discover them instead of letting your emotions lead you. This is a perfect time for you to take a deeper journey in yourself to discover what your true feelings are. For right now, you don’t have to decide anything. For right now, your feelings of being unsure and confused are great! You get to explore them and discover what is there for you! They can take you on a self-discovery journey if you follow their lead. You will eventually get to a place of greater clarity and will know which direction you would like to head in next. Trust yourself.
An exercise you can start to practice is to say to yourself, “It’s safe to love.” “I am more than this confusion, and it’s safe to be happy and at peace.” You can replace the word “confusion” with whatever resonates for you. These are thoughts you can say to yourself every day, a million times a day. It’s reprogramming your subconscious. Whenever I’ve really intentionally have done something like this for a few days, I become so much more clear – because I am directly dealing with whatever conscious or subconscious fears are coming up.
How did the exercise go that Kanya suggested?
Heidi
Hi Karmel,
Being fought for and sought after is a very powerful feeling for a woman, especially if she did not experience that as a child. He came into your life for a reason. The fact that you are calling your feelings for him “love” tells me that you most likely did not receive a healthy love growing up and was not rolled modeled healthy love. It’s NOT love when you are connecting to someone at the expense of yourself. It’s woundedness that is driving the feelings, NOT true love. Here is another way to put it…you are “loving” a man who believes you need to lose weight, who has lied to you numerous times, who ghosted you many times, who is cheating and has no integrity and so on. “loving” him means that you are NOT loving yourself. Your needs and your feelings get put on the backburner if you stay in a relationship with him. You DO NOT honor and respect yourself therefore he will treat you as such. YOU are the one who teaches people how to treat you. So by you not loving yourself, you attracted a man who supports and aligns with that.
You setting boundaries and not letting him into your life, is YOU respecting yourself, caring about yourself and having standards as to how you are treated. He is a great person to practice this with!!
Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Another thing to also consider, is that any parent who puts their own core, fundamental needs above the children, is someone who would be very difficult to be with in a relationship. The fact that him and his ex-wife are misleading and lying to the kids to keep them from getting upset, is concerning. They are living a fake life, they are putting their entire lives on hold for the children. This is not a healthy way of parenting. There is something pretty big that is missing in him that would make him a good partner to go through life with. Parents are the leaders in the relationship and the way him and his ex are living, they are making the kids the leaders.
I understand he is doing the best he knows how. I’m only saying this to point out something you may have missed. When wanting to open your heart to someone, its CRUCIAL you truly understand all about the kind of person you are inviting in. Most times, people get swept away and consumed by the feelings of attraction and they miss or ignore all kinds of red flags…because the attraction feels so darn good. It’s like a drug! Whenever strong feelings of attraction show up, I always encourage people to take things even slower and become as objective as possible while getting to know them.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
