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Hi Nicole,
I’m glad the links Kanya posted were helpful for you. Maintaining a good relationship is quite tricky isn’t it? It’s a very creative process and as long as you stay curious, open and willing to learn and implement all kinds of things, to see what works and doesn’t work, you are being an incredible partner. Remember though, do not forget about yourself in the process. It’s VERY easy for women to focus completely on making sure the man is getting what he wants and needs and to forget about what inspires them and their own needs and wants. Make sure that you value, care for and honor yourself just as much, if not more than him. The happier and more connected to yourself you are, the less pressure he feels, the more he will be happy in a relationship with you and the chance for longevity increases.
You are doing a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
I’m going to invite you to think about something first and then I’ll answer your question.
Why do you want him back? Do you want him back because having him back means that you won’t have to hurt anymore? That’s the #1 reason why couples get back together. They don’t actually get back together for healthy, clear reasons…they are just wanting to stop hurting. Although, most people would argue that. People will say, “I miss him and I love him. I miss sharing my day with him, I miss laughing with him, I miss my friend, I miss…..We did have a good relationship and I think it could really work out.” Yes, all of that is true but it’s only half the story. The other half of the story are the unhealthy patterns that caused the breakup in the first place. The heartache, the rejection, not feeling listened to etc.
The reason I am wanting you to dive deeper into what you want, is so that you are truly connected to the REAL reasons for you wanting him back. You are conscious that “I do get that I am probably feeding into “bad” behavior” so the next step would be diving deeper into why you are wanting to choose a guy who keeps breaking intimacy and sabotaging. Yes, he has a lot of wonderful qualities and the connection with him feels amazing AND this one quality of sabotaging ruins all of it. It’s a powerful enough pattern in him that it prevents you from truly getting to experience the rest of the good stuff. So what is happening inside of you that you would want to keep choosing an experience like this?
Okay…now let’s talk about your question. You want him back how you were in the beginning….that’s NOT going to happen. It’s important that as you move forward, you deal with WHAT IS and not what used to be. The beginning is gone and done, so let’s figure out how to make WHAT IS, better for you. Let’s talk about the boundaries you want to set. What kind of boundaries are you wanting to set with him? Tell me about how would like to see the relationship work? What do you need from him EXACTLY?
Heidi
I’m glad you feel good about giving him space at the moment. I think that he will feel the most supported by you that way. Make sure that in the meantime, you really fill yourself up with all kinds of pleasurable activities. Do you have any hobbies? Can you maybe connect with friends more? How about getting a few bouquets of flowers and placing them around your space. You can take more baths, read some of your favorite books, watch some good movies that fill you up. Now is the time to really dowse yourself with good stuff so that you can better handle the absence of him in your life for right now.
As far as your sex life, if his medication affects his libido, it can absolutely also affect how he feels about you. I think it would a valid factor to consider. I don’t know if he has thought about that. What I’m wondering is what exactly is missing for him. I mean, he has this idea about what he should feel with you, so what EXACT thing is missing from that equation? Do you know?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing some really great work!!! Well done! Any man who gets to be with you will be soooo lucky!
You ask a great question! Yes, it does take practice, but that’s not the whole picture.
First and foremost, it’s about doing it with yourself. “You cannot give what you don’t have.” If you don’t have appreciation and love for yourself, you won’t TRULY be able to offer it to another. I mean, technically you can, but the energy is different. If you are empty of love and appreciation, whatever you offer to others will be weak energetically and most times will not have a clear intention behind it. My point being, the more you fill yourself up, the more you will be able to give NATURALLY. You will know and value and sense when the hero instinct is needed, because you actually have personal experience with it.
I am able to sense and feel the micro moments of every situation because of how deeply I know and connect to myself. Essentially, we are all the same. We all hurt when we get rejected, we all have reactions to abandonment, betrayal etc. So when you know yourself and your own reactions and where all of it comes from, you will also know another. Yes, they have different details to their story, but you will be able to easily sense “Oh this guy is having trouble right now and has trouble allowing himself to be loved (even though he hasn’t said a darn thing about it) and you will then know how to best support him in indirect or direct ways – and you will know this because you have gone through it yourself and you figured out how to love, accept and support yourself through it.
Basically, I’m saying that the most important component to knowing, understanding and supporting another person is doing it for yourself first and foremost. And then of course, practicing it with others. You can practice all you want, but if you don’t know yourself and you don’t have actually experience with what you are practicing, it will not have much meaning behind it. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
He sounds quite confused and is definitely sending you some mixed messages. It’s obvious you guys are strongly connected. But if it’s not quite feeling like he wants it to feel, something needs to shift. It absolutely could be fear. When the fear is big enough, our system will sabotage connection in some way or another. I know I have lost feelings before in the past and I had to REALLY explore the source. It turned out it was my fear that was the source of me losing interest instead of me truly losing interest. It’s quite difficult to figure it out unless you have some expert help though. My point being is that he is having quite the battle inside of himself. He deeply cares about you AND something is stopping him from moving forward. Good job on giving him some space so he can figure it out the way he needs to!
I’m curious about your sex life. Would you mind sharing more about this? Do you initiate and do things that make him feel wanted? When you are having sex, do you feel he is passionate, connected and enjoying himself? Does he initiate? Do you feel you guys have good romance?
Heidi
Hey there…I’m glad to hear you are feeling a bit more safe with where you live. What are your next steps?
Have you ever looked up any meetup groups? That might be an option to open up your social world with like-minded people. I know it’s virtual, but it can still be fun and help you get some of your needs met.
What kinds of projects are you working on?
Heidi
Hi!!!!
Oh thank you for your love and appreciation! You have been so amazing to get to know and work with. It’s truly been an honor to get to be part of all your adventures and mis-adventures on your romantic journey. We love that you get to be part of our lives and we get to be part of yours!!!
That desk sounds amazing! I’ve heard of the standing desks and treadmill desks, but this is the first I’ve heard of a cycle desk. I’m going to look that up! It sounds fantastic! I love how this industry has grown. Sitting all day is so unhealthy for our bodies, so these exercise type desks are such a great compromise!
Are you going to put up Christmas decorations soon??
Heidi
What a great article! Thank you for sharing!!!
That potential job in Alberta sounds like a good thing!!! I’m excited to hear how it all goes!
You sound pretty okay about Robin not responding anymore. I just wanted to check in to see if you notice anything about how you are feeling about being rejected by him.
What kinds of shopping are you going to do???
Heidi
Hi Belle,
Well let’s start with helping you get more clarity with what you want to say.
First, you want to find out what is missing for him in the relationship that he felt he needed to break up. Then you need to also be VERY CLEAR with him about anything you need from him and talk about that. When both people put there needs out on the table, it gives you guys the opportunity to figure out how to get onto the same page…whether that means still moving in different directions or deciding to give it another go.
Is there anything you want from him in the relationship that will help you feel comfortable moving forward? Is there anything you feel you want to say to him about how you are feeling?
If not, then all you need to discuss are his needs and you can open up the conversation with the question I gave above.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
I think people don’t want to get into relationship right now is because the stress levels are so much higher. People are reaching their limits, going stir crazy, dealing with the political scene etc. Starting a relationship means someone has something to give…they have enough energy to invest and nourish the relationship – of which very few people have any energy left over. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
I’m curious about something. You said: “giving up, even in a relationship, I feel is an easy route out.” Why do you feel this way? A healthy love is loving someone AND yourself. If choosing to be with him means that you are rejecting your needs, your feelings, your desires – would you say that it’s such a bad thing to “give up?” I would call it loving yourself and loving him enough to just let him function in his life the way he wants without you needing him to be different. From the way you described the relationship, it sounds like you would be fighting for a guy who doesn’t fight for himself and who will always be limited in his ability to love and connect with you. Like you said, there were good qualities as well however, I like to encourage people to choose who to let into their lives, according to the worst parts of someone – not the best parts. Can you accept him and get your needs met, if he never changed? Imagine 5 years down the road and he still hasn’t dealt with his traumas, he still doesn’t really talk through things with you, he still isn’t honest and authentic and you still feel like he doesn’t really know you. Are those qualities you are willing to accept in a relationship?
“but maybe I just need to learn the skill of how to make the man more comfortable to share that inner side of him.” This is an illusion. Yes, you are part of creating a safe space for someone to share their deeper feelings, but ultimately 100% of the responsibility lies on him. For a person to share their inner world, they have to feel safe within themselves and that is not something he has. He will take FOREVER to open up, regardless of you creating a safe place for him.
As far as your conversation, what EXACTLY are you wanting to have happen? What do you feel is important for you to share? I also wouldn’t use the language of “grow with me.” It’s not really the kind of talk a guy responds to best AND he is not the kind of guy who really grows. You could instead say “I’m interested in just seeing where this goes. What do you need to have happen in order for you to feel this way as well?”
Is there anything you are wanting to say to him specifically?
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
You are asking some great questions and I can see why there is some confusion. He is sending you a lot of mixed signals. It’s quite the common game of “push/pull.” Come towards me and then I’m going to push you away. It’s a cycle and it actually creates a ton of confusion AND desire. It takes you into scarcity so that when he finally connects again, it feels soooooooo good and then he pulls away again. Round and round you go. Someone who perpetuates this cycle is NOT interested nor capable of a serious, committed relationship. He has shown you 3x now that he cannot sustain commitment and relationship. The moment he feels “distracted” from his goals, he disconnects from you. There are plenty of guys who are able to be focused and handle their work goals AND be in love. He is just giving you an excuse and while it may feel very real for him, he is doing nothing to try and figure it out and find the balance so he can have both. A deep, committed relationship is not what he is truly interested in right now.
I want to encourage you to think about something. Would you consider it a loving and honoring thing towards yourself to keep chasing after a guy who is not able to offer you what you want in a relationship?? You will be soooooo much more fulfilled with a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. Don’t you want a guy who plans you into his life? Don’t you want a guy who has a green light to move forward with you because he knows and sees your value in his life??
This current guy is NOT that person. Who knows what his reasons are and frankly, they don’t really matter. What matters is that he has an unhealthy pattern and he is showing you he cannot stay committed right now. He gets to be that way, so if you want to stay connected somehow and keep trying to gain his interest, you need to understand you are choosing his game. The danger here is you believing that maybe he will change. You don’t EVER want to step into any type of relationship hoping for that person to change. You are setting yourself up for BIG disappointment. So love yourself enough to let this guy be who he is and know that it’s not a healthy pattern for you to participate in.
I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. If you would like to still talk about what to do to gain his attention again, let us know and we can offer some ideas in that direction as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I LOVE that you had a good cry. Considering your past, there is a lot to release and a lot of hurt. You loving yourself and allowing the space for yourself to release the tears is sooooooo important. Well done!!!
As far as meditation goes, just keep experimenting. You will find something that works and then one day, you just don’t resonate with it anymore. So you find something new. I prefer to listen to someone talking. I also have 3 specific songs that somehow I get pulled into as well. Just you taking 10 minutes a day is enough. How you spend those 10 minutes will change many times and that’s okay. You are committing to loving and caring for yourself and that is all that matters!
I understand your question now. What Kanya was saying is about first connecting to how you want to feel, then you decide on actions that can support that. For example, if I want to feel love I then start to think of ways I can activate that feeling in my life. Love is about connection, right? For me, animals can make me feel love instantly…and nature. So I go for hikes and I have doggie playdates every week. I also have a gorgeous bouquet of flowers that activates that feeling of love of beauty. If I want to feel creative, I might cook a new recipe, I have a coloring book I love, just the other night, I decorated some sugar cookies. It’s just about getting really creative and purposeful with how you plan your day and you care for your spirit. ALL your needs are important and deserve to be honored! Does this make sense?
Heidi
hahahaha! You crack me up! I would have to say, there would be something wrong with you if you DIDN’T have your tongue hanging out. Of course you can look! It doesn’t matter your age. The body is beautiful! And when young guys are making exercise look so easy, it’s tapping into your natural instinctive drive of watching men be men and athletic and healthy and a good protector. It’s absolutely gorgeous to watch a man’s body exercise!!! And a woman’s body too! Being in a gym every day I just appreciate the miracle that the body is. The fact that you still have a response is good news!!! Your spirit, your femaleness, your sexuality is still alive!!!! That’s great! It’s not like you want to go do anything with those kids. You are just appreciating the miracle, the power, the beauty of the body!!! ENJOY!!!!
So everything you mentioned above are conscious beliefs. The moment you become aware of them, they now are available to work with and are ready to be released. They are deeply rooted though. Those kinds of beliefs and experiences are programs. Meaning, you’ve have thousands upon thousands of repetitions of the same thought pattern which then embeds into your system and just becomes a natural, automatic thought and behavior. Moments like what you described about your father ignoring you, just reinforce the program. How awful by the way! It’s completely shocking to be ignored in that way. Yuuuuuuk!!!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that AND I’m so proud of you for how far you have come. All the new thoughts you are re-programming yourself with are beautiful and amazing. Keep up the good work!!! You don’t even have to believe it. Keep saying it anyways! Every single time you say those wonderful things, it will impact you in ways you are not even aware of yet.
As far as practices not being “Christian,” I get it. I used to struggle with the same thing. Religion is a form of programming as well and once I really realized how much of what I believed was because of what I was taught over and over and over again, I started to unravel everything and reshape my relationship with God. I no longer identify as a Christian, or any other religion, but my relationship with God is stronger than ever. The techniques, the healings, the explorations into all the different modalities, have helped me heal and become more and more of who I am. Like you, I came to the conclusion that God is in all things. God made the brains that invented healing techniques. Why not use them? The more I love myself, the more I am able to love God. So if there is a healing technique that brings me closer to myself, then it brings me closer to God. How in the world could that be “sinful” or “wrong” or going against Christianity? God is so much more than the box any religion creates. I don’t know if this is helpful for you or not, but just thought I would validate your thoughts.
Lastly, I understand your craving for the mountains. I function the same exact way. I didn’t really realize how much they mean to me until all the fires and smoke prevented me from doing my weekly hikes and exploration. I totally was out of balance and grumpy. The mountains are part of your well being and I’m so sorry you have to live without them for a while. It’s what soooooo many people are facing these days. The normal activities that keep people balanced in their lives have been taken away due to Covid. The holidays are not the same this year. All the choices we are used to, have been slimmed down and that will activate a lot of feeling (from the subconscious). We have to figure out other ways to help us deal with the stress. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with flowers! At work, at home, in your bedroom….get some crystals as well and place them all around you, carry them in your pocket etc. These are powerful elements of the earth and can help keep you deeply connected. Watch movies with mountain scenery. I love talking to the trees. I put my hands on them and thank them for being here. I thank God for creation of all that is in front of me. You are focusing on what you don’t have, so ask God to open your eyes to everything you DO have. When you go on walks, have the eyes of an artist who is wanting to pain the beauty of her surroundings. You will start to see color and shapes differently. Start planning hikes that you want to go on and give your spirit a sense of something to look forward to. These small things can really help nourish your heart while you are there.
Heidi
Hi Leila,
This is WONDERFUL! You are spot on…you DO NOT need any volatility in your life!!! It sounds like you are getting more clear. I’m curious…did something happen that made you decide this?
How did your date go??? I love that you said yes. It’s sooooo good to have new experiences, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. So many times I went on dates because I needed to have a new experience. Even though many of them didn’t go past 2 or 3 dates, I got to experience being treated differently than the guy I might have been hung up on at the time and that was enough to help me step away even further. I’m excited to here what your experience was!
What do you mean when you say you are still wanting to put your “best play” in this? What is “this?” I’m not sure if you are referring to the current new date or still wanting to put your best efforts into this other guy you are hooked on.
Heidi
