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Hey there…I’m glad to hear you are feeling a bit more safe with where you live. What are your next steps?
Have you ever looked up any meetup groups? That might be an option to open up your social world with like-minded people. I know it’s virtual, but it can still be fun and help you get some of your needs met.
What kinds of projects are you working on?
Heidi
Hi!!!!
Oh thank you for your love and appreciation! You have been so amazing to get to know and work with. It’s truly been an honor to get to be part of all your adventures and mis-adventures on your romantic journey. We love that you get to be part of our lives and we get to be part of yours!!!
That desk sounds amazing! I’ve heard of the standing desks and treadmill desks, but this is the first I’ve heard of a cycle desk. I’m going to look that up! It sounds fantastic! I love how this industry has grown. Sitting all day is so unhealthy for our bodies, so these exercise type desks are such a great compromise!
Are you going to put up Christmas decorations soon??
Heidi
What a great article! Thank you for sharing!!!
That potential job in Alberta sounds like a good thing!!! I’m excited to hear how it all goes!
You sound pretty okay about Robin not responding anymore. I just wanted to check in to see if you notice anything about how you are feeling about being rejected by him.
What kinds of shopping are you going to do???
Heidi
Hi Belle,
Well let’s start with helping you get more clarity with what you want to say.
First, you want to find out what is missing for him in the relationship that he felt he needed to break up. Then you need to also be VERY CLEAR with him about anything you need from him and talk about that. When both people put there needs out on the table, it gives you guys the opportunity to figure out how to get onto the same page…whether that means still moving in different directions or deciding to give it another go.
Is there anything you want from him in the relationship that will help you feel comfortable moving forward? Is there anything you feel you want to say to him about how you are feeling?
If not, then all you need to discuss are his needs and you can open up the conversation with the question I gave above.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
I think people don’t want to get into relationship right now is because the stress levels are so much higher. People are reaching their limits, going stir crazy, dealing with the political scene etc. Starting a relationship means someone has something to give…they have enough energy to invest and nourish the relationship – of which very few people have any energy left over. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
I’m curious about something. You said: “giving up, even in a relationship, I feel is an easy route out.” Why do you feel this way? A healthy love is loving someone AND yourself. If choosing to be with him means that you are rejecting your needs, your feelings, your desires – would you say that it’s such a bad thing to “give up?” I would call it loving yourself and loving him enough to just let him function in his life the way he wants without you needing him to be different. From the way you described the relationship, it sounds like you would be fighting for a guy who doesn’t fight for himself and who will always be limited in his ability to love and connect with you. Like you said, there were good qualities as well however, I like to encourage people to choose who to let into their lives, according to the worst parts of someone – not the best parts. Can you accept him and get your needs met, if he never changed? Imagine 5 years down the road and he still hasn’t dealt with his traumas, he still doesn’t really talk through things with you, he still isn’t honest and authentic and you still feel like he doesn’t really know you. Are those qualities you are willing to accept in a relationship?
“but maybe I just need to learn the skill of how to make the man more comfortable to share that inner side of him.” This is an illusion. Yes, you are part of creating a safe space for someone to share their deeper feelings, but ultimately 100% of the responsibility lies on him. For a person to share their inner world, they have to feel safe within themselves and that is not something he has. He will take FOREVER to open up, regardless of you creating a safe place for him.
As far as your conversation, what EXACTLY are you wanting to have happen? What do you feel is important for you to share? I also wouldn’t use the language of “grow with me.” It’s not really the kind of talk a guy responds to best AND he is not the kind of guy who really grows. You could instead say “I’m interested in just seeing where this goes. What do you need to have happen in order for you to feel this way as well?”
Is there anything you are wanting to say to him specifically?
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
You are asking some great questions and I can see why there is some confusion. He is sending you a lot of mixed signals. It’s quite the common game of “push/pull.” Come towards me and then I’m going to push you away. It’s a cycle and it actually creates a ton of confusion AND desire. It takes you into scarcity so that when he finally connects again, it feels soooooooo good and then he pulls away again. Round and round you go. Someone who perpetuates this cycle is NOT interested nor capable of a serious, committed relationship. He has shown you 3x now that he cannot sustain commitment and relationship. The moment he feels “distracted” from his goals, he disconnects from you. There are plenty of guys who are able to be focused and handle their work goals AND be in love. He is just giving you an excuse and while it may feel very real for him, he is doing nothing to try and figure it out and find the balance so he can have both. A deep, committed relationship is not what he is truly interested in right now.
I want to encourage you to think about something. Would you consider it a loving and honoring thing towards yourself to keep chasing after a guy who is not able to offer you what you want in a relationship?? You will be soooooo much more fulfilled with a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. Don’t you want a guy who plans you into his life? Don’t you want a guy who has a green light to move forward with you because he knows and sees your value in his life??
This current guy is NOT that person. Who knows what his reasons are and frankly, they don’t really matter. What matters is that he has an unhealthy pattern and he is showing you he cannot stay committed right now. He gets to be that way, so if you want to stay connected somehow and keep trying to gain his interest, you need to understand you are choosing his game. The danger here is you believing that maybe he will change. You don’t EVER want to step into any type of relationship hoping for that person to change. You are setting yourself up for BIG disappointment. So love yourself enough to let this guy be who he is and know that it’s not a healthy pattern for you to participate in.
I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. If you would like to still talk about what to do to gain his attention again, let us know and we can offer some ideas in that direction as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I LOVE that you had a good cry. Considering your past, there is a lot to release and a lot of hurt. You loving yourself and allowing the space for yourself to release the tears is sooooooo important. Well done!!!
As far as meditation goes, just keep experimenting. You will find something that works and then one day, you just don’t resonate with it anymore. So you find something new. I prefer to listen to someone talking. I also have 3 specific songs that somehow I get pulled into as well. Just you taking 10 minutes a day is enough. How you spend those 10 minutes will change many times and that’s okay. You are committing to loving and caring for yourself and that is all that matters!
I understand your question now. What Kanya was saying is about first connecting to how you want to feel, then you decide on actions that can support that. For example, if I want to feel love I then start to think of ways I can activate that feeling in my life. Love is about connection, right? For me, animals can make me feel love instantly…and nature. So I go for hikes and I have doggie playdates every week. I also have a gorgeous bouquet of flowers that activates that feeling of love of beauty. If I want to feel creative, I might cook a new recipe, I have a coloring book I love, just the other night, I decorated some sugar cookies. It’s just about getting really creative and purposeful with how you plan your day and you care for your spirit. ALL your needs are important and deserve to be honored! Does this make sense?
Heidi
hahahaha! You crack me up! I would have to say, there would be something wrong with you if you DIDN’T have your tongue hanging out. Of course you can look! It doesn’t matter your age. The body is beautiful! And when young guys are making exercise look so easy, it’s tapping into your natural instinctive drive of watching men be men and athletic and healthy and a good protector. It’s absolutely gorgeous to watch a man’s body exercise!!! And a woman’s body too! Being in a gym every day I just appreciate the miracle that the body is. The fact that you still have a response is good news!!! Your spirit, your femaleness, your sexuality is still alive!!!! That’s great! It’s not like you want to go do anything with those kids. You are just appreciating the miracle, the power, the beauty of the body!!! ENJOY!!!!
So everything you mentioned above are conscious beliefs. The moment you become aware of them, they now are available to work with and are ready to be released. They are deeply rooted though. Those kinds of beliefs and experiences are programs. Meaning, you’ve have thousands upon thousands of repetitions of the same thought pattern which then embeds into your system and just becomes a natural, automatic thought and behavior. Moments like what you described about your father ignoring you, just reinforce the program. How awful by the way! It’s completely shocking to be ignored in that way. Yuuuuuuk!!!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that AND I’m so proud of you for how far you have come. All the new thoughts you are re-programming yourself with are beautiful and amazing. Keep up the good work!!! You don’t even have to believe it. Keep saying it anyways! Every single time you say those wonderful things, it will impact you in ways you are not even aware of yet.
As far as practices not being “Christian,” I get it. I used to struggle with the same thing. Religion is a form of programming as well and once I really realized how much of what I believed was because of what I was taught over and over and over again, I started to unravel everything and reshape my relationship with God. I no longer identify as a Christian, or any other religion, but my relationship with God is stronger than ever. The techniques, the healings, the explorations into all the different modalities, have helped me heal and become more and more of who I am. Like you, I came to the conclusion that God is in all things. God made the brains that invented healing techniques. Why not use them? The more I love myself, the more I am able to love God. So if there is a healing technique that brings me closer to myself, then it brings me closer to God. How in the world could that be “sinful” or “wrong” or going against Christianity? God is so much more than the box any religion creates. I don’t know if this is helpful for you or not, but just thought I would validate your thoughts.
Lastly, I understand your craving for the mountains. I function the same exact way. I didn’t really realize how much they mean to me until all the fires and smoke prevented me from doing my weekly hikes and exploration. I totally was out of balance and grumpy. The mountains are part of your well being and I’m so sorry you have to live without them for a while. It’s what soooooo many people are facing these days. The normal activities that keep people balanced in their lives have been taken away due to Covid. The holidays are not the same this year. All the choices we are used to, have been slimmed down and that will activate a lot of feeling (from the subconscious). We have to figure out other ways to help us deal with the stress. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with flowers! At work, at home, in your bedroom….get some crystals as well and place them all around you, carry them in your pocket etc. These are powerful elements of the earth and can help keep you deeply connected. Watch movies with mountain scenery. I love talking to the trees. I put my hands on them and thank them for being here. I thank God for creation of all that is in front of me. You are focusing on what you don’t have, so ask God to open your eyes to everything you DO have. When you go on walks, have the eyes of an artist who is wanting to pain the beauty of her surroundings. You will start to see color and shapes differently. Start planning hikes that you want to go on and give your spirit a sense of something to look forward to. These small things can really help nourish your heart while you are there.
Heidi
Hi Leila,
This is WONDERFUL! You are spot on…you DO NOT need any volatility in your life!!! It sounds like you are getting more clear. I’m curious…did something happen that made you decide this?
How did your date go??? I love that you said yes. It’s sooooo good to have new experiences, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. So many times I went on dates because I needed to have a new experience. Even though many of them didn’t go past 2 or 3 dates, I got to experience being treated differently than the guy I might have been hung up on at the time and that was enough to help me step away even further. I’m excited to here what your experience was!
What do you mean when you say you are still wanting to put your “best play” in this? What is “this?” I’m not sure if you are referring to the current new date or still wanting to put your best efforts into this other guy you are hooked on.
Heidi
Hi Kathy!
Welcome!
The specific advice she asked for is not really an important detail. It’s more about activating his hero instinct. Every situation is so different, so you want to tailor the concept to your specific situation.
What is going on in your relationship? What are you wanting help with?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I love “Calm” and “Headspace” as well! They really are some great apps for meditation. The power of meditation, even for 10 minutes, is unparalleled. Make sure work that into your morning routine – maybe right when you wake up? Or right when you go to bed? The chemicals in our brain at those times are OPTIMAL for meditation.
A workout question you could ask could be, “I haven’t worked out in about 8 months. I know I should build up slowly, but I’m not quite sure if I should just do little bits every day, or do longer workouts a few times a week. Do you have any thoughts on this?”
I’m sorry if I missed this somewhere, but you asked: How would you suggest to how to determine what actions would support getting to my goal? What specific goal are you referring to?
Heidi
How are you feeling about being friends and texting daily with him? I know you were feeling sad. Is that still the dominant feeling?
The subconscious has many, many layers to it. One of the very first and most obvious ways to know what lives there, is to look at your life. Where you have discrepancies between what you want consciously and what is actually happening, that lets you know your subconscious is NOT in alignment. For example, you might want to really lose weight, but you keep choosing to eat unhealthy foods. Consciously you want to lose weight, but subconsciously there is a belief, a story, a program, specific feelings about losing weight or about unhealthy food that is MUCH STRONGER and causing you to eat unhealthy. Another example…if someone wants to have a nourishing, vibrant, safe love yet there is a pattern they have of falling for guys who end up cheating on me, that is my subconscious actually picking the guys. If someone truly wants to be wealthy, yet they spend my money on frivolous things, their conscious and subconscious are not aligned. Is this making sense? Triggers are also a GREAT message from the subconscious. Whenever you have stronger reactions to something, PAY ATTENTION. For example, I worked with someone who hated roses. He had no idea why, he just knew that he “hated” roses. After working with him for a while, we eventually got to the place where he remembered his mom used to always have roses around the house. She abused him. So he connected the smell and the site of roses with her, the parent that abused him (although he didn’t remember being abused at the time). So our reactions to life happening around us, are messages from the subconscious.
I am always noticing patterns in my own life that are NOT in alignment with what I want. I watch where I contract in my life, where I get triggered and then I deep dive into those stories, memories, programs that are triggering me. The best part is, the more you deep dive and understand the what and why of your subconscious, the easier it is to instantly recognize patterns in your date. Because I have been living like this for many, many years, it has helped me to avoid chaos, drama etc. in the dating world – in a REALLY big way. I have a very healthy dating history where I’ve been treated with respect 99% of the time. It’s because of 2 things: who I say yes to beyond dates 1-3, has been vetted. I can instantly sense, see and feel the main patterns running in their subconscious, just by the tone of voice, the words they use and the stories they tell me. And second, because I am highly aware of my own dating patterns, I’ve worked heavily on healing my beliefs about love and men and this has helped me have VERY STRONG standards, across the board, as to who I choose to spend time with. I have shifted A LOT over these past 30 years. Who I date today is VERY different even compared to 5 years ago.
Here the thing about the subconscious. First, you need knowledge. That’s where books, workshops, videos etc. from other experts can help you out. You won’t change anything unless you know what you are changing to and it makes sense for your life. So equipping yourself with knowledge in the area you are seeking to change is the first step. Some aspects of your patterns may shift, but some may still have a strong hold over you. For example, I used to only date bad boys. I read EVERYTHING under the sun about that pattern and I had the knowledge as to why I was choosing that, but knowing it, didn’t actually shift my behavior. When you get to that spot, then it’s time to deep dive into what stories, programs, limiting beliefs are running your choices. That’s where working with a therapist, healer or expert comes in. Deep diving into the subconscious and working on healing what lives there, requires help. That’s why I always have a coach handy. I can work with a lot of stuff on my own, but sometimes, I just need help because the issue is bigger and more deeply rooted. You need a “guide” to help you identify, work with and shift what lives there, especially if you have never done that kind of healing work before. It’s hard, it’s scary, it’s uncomfortable for sure, BUT the kind of relief you end up feeling when you let go of the deep rooted baggage…there just are no words for it.
You might want to look up Dr. Joe Dispenza. He has a lot of material out about the brain and re-programming our beliefs that are running our lives. I love Gregg Braden as well. Debbie Ford: Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Michaela Bohm: Wild Woman’s Way, Esther Perel: Where Should we Begin? The Arc of Love….these are all AMAZING women who offer programs, advice and guidance about the deeper side of our selves. There are a MILLION more authors out there in this category. It’s basically the self help genre. See what direction you get pulled in. See what aspects of yourself you are wanting to come more into relationship with and start to educate yourself. Maybe there are coaching programs you want to join. I LOVE Derek Rydall’s coaching programs. He is an incredibly powerful coach. He also has some great books! If you are ready for deeper work and clearing out the baggage, then find a specialist and commit to working with them for a while.
I wrote a lot, so hopefully, some of this helps and gives you some sort of direction.
Oh! and I’m sooooo sorry to hear about your Christmas plans being interrupted by the border closing again. Everything is shutting down as the numbers go up. It’s such a bummer! I sure hope you get that contract so you can go back home! I know how happy that would make you.
Heidi
Correct, reach out to him in 3 to 4 weeks asking for help or an opinion about something. Let’s see if we can find something you can ask him about. Does he have any hobbies or special knowledge about anything? You don’t want to ask advice about buying a dress. He won’t feel like he is being useful with something like that. He will just see that as a manipulative ploy. You want to ask him about something that actually matters and that you truly need help with. So you want to think about something that he knows a lot about or you if you need something fixed at your house (only if he is handy) or moving something heavy. Let us know what you come up with and we can help you figure it out.
If he doesn’t contact you in those 3-4 weeks, then you will reach out and re-connect and see if he ends up coming back to you. If he isn’t responsive, then I would suggest to let this one go. Attraction and wanting to be around you, needs to be an effortless thing Marilyn. There are PLENTY of things to work on in a relationship and feeling attractive and wanted by your guy DOES NOT need to be added to the list.
It sounds like you feel good about this plan. Let us know what kinds of things you come up with that could activate his hero instinct.
Heidi
You are right Rhonda! I’m really glad you are recognizing and acknowledging your choice to exit and the amount of growth you have had over the years. So let me applaud you as well. I get that it was a really big deal for you!! You did something really hard.
It’s not too late actually. It doesn’t sound like there really is closure for you guys. Since he hasn’t really acknowledged what you said or answered you definitively, you can do that for yourself now and create an ending. You can simply say “I don’t really know what your response is to what I wrote, so I’m just going to own this for myself. I feel complete with our romantic journey. I truly do value you in my life and would like to continue a friendship. I will need a little bit of time to sort through how I’m feeling, but would like to come back together at some point and become friends again. Let me know your thoughts.” How does this make you feel?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that everyone calls you sunshine! I think it’s pretty self-explanatory what it means and how people experience you. It’s great!!!
Yes, the body carries a vibration so to speak and that vibration is sourced by what lives in your subconscious. Our reality is a reflection of what that vibration carries in it…both positive and negative. That energy acts like a beacon and will call towards you experiences that will reflect the energy (or vibration) you carry. There are a MILLION ways to shift what is in the subconscious. If you want some ideas, let me know!
Heidi
