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Hi Cindi,
Good for you for taking some time to yourself. I know a lot of single parents who wake up 1-2 hours earlier just so they can have some alone time before the kids get up. It would be very natural to wrap your alone time around him, so this is good that you have some space now to actually reconnect with yourself. Now that you know how much it’s needed, moving forward, make sure you set some weekly/daily times for YOURSELF so you don’t lose yourself again.
It sounds like no matter what, you want to move forward with him, regardless of his stonewalling tendencies. Here is a great article to help you understand his coping mechanism and how you can move through it differently next – hopefully there is a next time! Although this article is about stonewalling in particular, you should look up the other 3 patterns of the 4 horseman (basically 4 patterns that lead to divorce), so you can even have a deeper understanding of yourself – you tend towards the critical pattern.
The gotten institute is phenomenal. I would also recommend their book “A man’s guide to women.” Although it was written for men, I found it incredibly valuable to even help me understand myself and my needs on a much greater level. They have a TON of blogs and videos and lectures online and they offer a lot of classes, even for single people and parenting. Start learning from them!
Keep breathing Cindi. Allow yourself to miss him and have that be okay. Sit with the feeling instead of trying to run from it or pine after him so you can get out of this pain. Let the pain just be there and soothe and comfort yourself.
I want to return to my questions you didn’t answer. What are you going to do to help yourself through this? How are you going to work with your insecurities in a better way? You’ve been to a therapist and you have mindfulness training. What did they teach you and what can you begin implementing on a daily basis?
You also might want to check out this book. She is phenomenal and at the end of her book, she shares ways to help you move through stress in a healthy way. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Also, keep coming here and writing about your feelings, what you are struggling with, write about any confusion you have or anger you still feel. Give your feelings movement and room to breathe. If all you do is hold it in, like he does, you are NOT going to have a healthy, level-headed response to him when you guys do talk again. Set yourself up for success by working every day on your feelings of betrayal, abandonment, anger, and your insecurities.
Heidi
I know you are devastated. Letting go of love is an incredibly painful process, especially when there is so much good. I’ve had to say goodbye to those type of connections as well and I would never wish that on anyone. It’s so much easier when there is anger and betrayal and nastiness…but you guys don’t have that. I’m so sorry Cindi. I know you both brought out the best in each other in many ways.
Him with medication and therapy, and myself with therapy and mindfulness. Just because he is doing therapy, doesn’t mean he is getting to the deep stuff. Honestly, I have been to sooooo many different therapists over the years and only discovered how many of them had no clue how to do the deeper work. They love to talk and offer guidance, but it’s a rare kind of therapist who has the skill, the techniques, and the method to take someone to the ROOT cause of their pain and dysfunction. So..with that being said, he may have improved some areas in his life, but he hasn’t gone deep enough to work on his coping mechanism to run and pull away when things get tough and sticky. I know my coach would be all up in my business if I let something so nourishing and beautiful go….which is what he is doing.
Yes, your mom is right. He DOES need some time, but so do you. Again, YOU need to really consider what kind of man you are inviting into your heart and into your family’s life. He is not the type to stick things through. He is the type to let fear lead him into decisions. Even him saying he will never get married again is a MASSIVE RED FLAG, because it’s a decision solely based on fear. It’s a HUGE wall between him and any woman and it prevents intimacy. It’s not about marriage itself, it’s about him having a hard line and not being open and flexible to allow life to take him on a journey. He is NOT forgiving his past, he is not letting go of the past, he is not facing his fears, and despite how it felt when things started out, he is showing you that he cannot sustain his openness and that he is emotionally unavailable when things get tough. So…is this really what you want to go through AGAIN? ANOTHER relationship where it’s like pulling teeth to get them to talk or commit? It’s something for you to really consider. I know he is the best experience you have ever had and that is something you don’t want to let go of. I know you really love him AND the love is limited. Even after your heartfelt messages and wanting to fight for him and trying to explain things, he is STILL radio silent, when all you want him to do is have a conversation. That’s how he handles things. He goes into his cave and wants to be left alone. That’s not unusual for men, BUT a man can’t expect a woman to be okay when he just disappears. He needs to TELL HER he is going to process a bit and then SHOW HER that he is coming back. Yes, he needs space, but what about you? Is it really that hard to send a simple text and say, “I know I said I was going to read your messages tonight, but I just need a little more time. I really am tapped out, but I want you to know that I’m not ignoring you. I am doing my best and I promise I will respond when I can give you my undivided attention.” He still gets his space AND he is giving you what you need to by communicating with you instead of breaking his word. He said one thing and he is not following through and is not caring about how it affects you. All he is caring about are HIS needs…and that’s what happens when people are tapped out. He is so drained and exhausted, that trying to have any capacity to work through something difficult like this, is just something he doesn’t have in him. How can he possible fill up your cup of coffee from his cup, if his cup is empty? IMPOSSIBLE.
But again, this brings us back to the place that he doesn’t have the skillset, understanding, support, or knowledge about how to help himself, and that’s maybe where his therapist is not that effective. Who knows. All you know is that this is who he is right now. So take this time apart and really begin to work on your insecurities that contributed to this breakup. Even now, as he is radio silent, your insecurities are high, you are in a lot of pain, and you are miserable. You are very raw right now. It’s the PERFECT time to clear out some of the stories and baggage that is being activated. Work on yourself. For me, I always worked on figuring out the path back to my center. When someone else knocks me off, how can I get back to my center, feeling empowered, and connected to truth and NOT the painful stories in my head? How can I do that WITHOUT the other person? That is your journey now. If you just sit around in pain, waiting for his response, then you are doing the exact thing that he is pulling away from you for….you are waiting for HIM to do or say something so you can feel better. You are waiting for HIM to fight for you. Fight for yourself. You want him to face his fears and work WITH you through this…well you cannot ask for someone else to do something that you are not doing yourself. So what are you going to do to help yourself through this? How are you going to face your own fears? How are you going to deal with all the insecurities that have been activated?
Heidi
First, I want to say that I am soooooo so proud of you. Your messages, even in your emotional upset were brilliant! You didn’t point the finger, you didn’t play into his story about him feeling responsible, you just commented that he needed to communicate that! You are SPOT ON!!! He thinks he isn’t running away, but he actually is. He hid himself from you. He had this storm of feelings inside of him called overwhelm and you ended up being the target. You are NOT the reason for his overwhelm. HE IS!!!! Sure he is busy and yes, you added to that feeling of overwhelm, but he could have easily helped himself by TALKING with you. You are workable, you are willing to learn and grow, and you are a great teammate. Instead, he held it in which just increases that feeling of overwhelm…and exactly what is happening is what ALWAYS happens with someone who holds everything in…they burst. They ALWAYS reach a point where they can’t hold it all anymore, so they have this incredibly high need to make a decision and FAST, in order to relieve the pressure. And while it may bring them some relief in the moment, they actually misunderstand that relief. They think they made the best decision by unloading their “burden” when in reality, they did not handle anything in a healthy, conscious way. They operate from a place of thinking that it’s all the outside (their job, their partners, their family etc.) that are causing their overwhelm and they don’t look inside, to understand how they are creating the storm themselves.
This is what happened with him. This statement says it all.
I’m not giving up when things get tough. I’m walking away from a situation that I’ve realized I don’t have the emotional capacity for at the moment due to both of our busy schedules and the difficulties we have finding time. I’m stretched thin. Super thin. It isn’t fair to either of us.
He is blaming the outside world for being stretched so thin. You, both your busy schedules, and whatever else he wants to throw in the pot. So he is viewing his decision as “right” because it’s not fair to you, him, or all the kids that he is stretched so thin and not available to the level he believes you need. Do you see the story he has running in his system? Do you see the dangers of letting your feelings run the show and make the decisions for you? This is exactly why FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!!! You are now on the receiving end of a story that isn’t true and a guy who is breaking up because of it. First, he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to see beneath the surface and look at what is REALLY happening. Second, he doesn’t have the capacity right now to even care. He is in survival mode and that means that all he is doing, is going from one moment to the next, being completely drained of life force. So in his attempts to help himself, he breaks up instead of asking for your help.
Does all of this make sense? What is important for you to TRULY see, is that he is a runner. This is a HUGE red flag. This pattern and how he is handling this stress is to NOT involve you. He keeps his feelings inside, allows a story about his feelings to cultivate and grow, and then that story takes over his system, all the while you have no clue what is really happening for him…only that things are changing and you don’t know what. THIS IS HIS COPING MECHANISM! And it will be that way for the rest of his life. Our coping mechanisms and our reactions to stress are with us FOREVER. I have the same exact coping mechanism as he does. The only difference is, I’ve gotten a lot of help. I have learned other ways to respond. I have cleared enough baggage to want to connective MORE THAN the silly story running in my mind. Those stories are POWERFUL as you know. It fills up your entire being! I learned to work with them, so now, even though my coping mechanism is exactly the same, I have a skillset, I have a support system, I have action plans I put into place to help me when I get triggered and want to pull away. He most likely will never do any of that, so the reality is, if you guys become a long term couple, you will be dealing with this pattern over and over and over again….unless he decides to get help somehow. This coping mechanism is a toxic pattern and breaks trust and safety. The thing is, he is not even at the beginning stages of understanding himself. He doesn’t even have the understanding he needs to WANT to make changes. He believes he is not running away. So as long as that is his story, he has no motivation to change. Him breaking up with you, will probably hit him really hard, once he out of overwhelm and out of busy season…that’s when he will be able to feel again.
I was angry, that if known this was how he handled stress that I never would’ve introduced him to my daughters in the first place, because it isn’t fair to any of us. This is your story. Do you see how you are putting your anger on him? Do you see how wanted him to somehow predict the future and this happening? He WAS being authentic about how he felt about you. Then stress entered the picture and he changed. There is no way he could have know this was how he was going to feel. That’s why going slow is very important. You are viewing this as if it should be fair…and that’s just not realistic. You are blaming him for YOUR choice. The truth is, you are angry at yourself, but projecting it onto him. I get it. Of course you are angry. You are being hurt and so are your daughters. It’s so incredibly hard. AND…it’s okay! You are learning a lot from this. You are learning better ways to communicate your feelings. You are learning more about your stories and the baggage you are carrying around. You are learning what doesn’t work for you. You learned that it’s possible to be treated well and what that actually feels like. You learned that you could love again. And you will learn that even after this breakup, you WILL recover and love again…and next time, you will take things slower. Next time, you won’t be so swept up just because a guy treats you well. You will KNOW now, that you need to watch how a man handles stress FIRST, before handing him your heart. I know it’s painful right now AND there are many gifts you got from this. Be kind to yourself. You did and are doing the best you possibly can. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself and what you chose to step into. You are still learning and so is he. So instead of being angry at yourself, be understanding. You got to be loved in a way that you have never been before. That’s powerful! If one of your daughters came home crying to you about how mad she is at herself for doing something she thought was good, but turned out bad, what would you and do for her? You would hug her, you would tell her it’s going to be okay. You would listen and validate how she felt, you would be gentle and compassionate with her. TREAT YOURSELF THE SAME EXACT WAY!!!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Eve!
Let’s keep talking! I would love to know your thoughts about what I said and learn more about your situation. We are here to help you navigate sticky spots, so let’s keep working on it together!
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I’m so sorry. We don’t have a DM platform. This forum is the only way to talk about your questions and your situation. You can stay completely anonymous though. We have no idea who you are. People make up names all the time on here. And 99% of the time, other people are not engaging with other people’s threads. It’s just you and me here.
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
Did you send him the text that YOU wrote above? Or did you send the text that I suggested?
I sent him the text and he hasn’t responded. Now I feel like he’s punishing me for asking for space to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. You don’t know this. He may just be staying silent, because he doesn’t know what to say or how to respond. The thing you have to really get into your mind is YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!!!! I can’t tell you how important this is for you to grasp. Your mind made up this story that he is punishing, when there is ZERO evidence of that. There could be A LOT of reasons he is not responding. It’s normal for our minds to take over and make ups these stories based purely on guesses, so when I do that, I stop that story and connect myself to the facts. The facts are…YOU DO NOT KNOW why he isn’t responding…end of story.
And I was married to a man who made me feel responsible for his feelings 24/7 for 10 years. This is making more sense now. You engaged in this pattern of feeling responsible for your ex husband’s feelings for 10 years! And now the guy you are dating is saying the same exact thing to you. You are on the other side of this pattern now…which is a REALLY good thing! It is helping you become more aware of this particular pattern and what it feels like. You KNOW EXACTLY how your guy now is feeling, because you did it for 10 years. And now, you know exactly what your ex husband was doing, because you are doing the same thing he did. I’ve done that MANY times over the years with my unhealthy patterns…I lived on BOTH the giving and receiving side and it brought me soooooo much understanding!
That’s the best way I know how to describe how it made me feel. It made me feel silenced and out of the loop. Were these wrong feelings to have? Your feelings are NEVER wrong. What you need to understand is that feelings are never right or wrong. The purpose of your feelings is to teach you about your SELF. You have used some KEY words in all of your feelings you have described here that have a theme: Betrayal, silenced, I don’t matter etc. These feelings are all the same flavor. And what that tells you is that are some pretty big wounds you are carrying around that have this flavor to them…and it began WAAAAAAYYYYY before you ever experienced your ex husband and those non-committal guys. It’s this baggage that you are carrying around that caused you to pick those experiences in the first place. It’s this baggage that is causing you to get upset to the level you are, with this current guy. So your feelings are letting you know what lives within YOU and what is sourcing your insecurities. Look back to your childhood. Who taught you that you didn’t matter? Who taught you that your voice was not important? Who betrayed your trust and made you feel unsafe?
Now…it doesn’t mean that your feelings are completely invalid here due to HIS response as well. He is PARTLY contributing to the feeling of unsafely here. But there are A LOT of dynamics happening and unless I was able to talk with BOTH of you, I can’t tell you all that is happening. All I can do, is try to help you take a step back and look at all the possibilities. The first question I ask about someone else’s response to me is “How much am I causing them to feel this way because of how I presented my feelings vs. how much of how they feel is coming from their own roundedness?” So…he probably did put you in a box in the corner and is telling you to stay…but why? I can tell you that it’s quite normal for a guy to have that type of response with a woman who he feels is asking too much from him. So when a person feels cornered or pressured, it’s VERY normal for them to put up stronger boundaries….and that may be why you feel him putting you in the corner. Imagine a dog that has been beaten over and over and over again with a stick. His owner traps him in the corner and beats him with it and tries to fight off the owner by trying to bite him or fight back somehow. Then animal rescue gets called and the dog gets taken away and put with a new owner. This new owner takes the dog out to play in the backyard, picks up a stick with the intent to play with him and see if the dog likes to play fetch, but the dogs INSTANTLY becomes terrified and aggressive. This is what it’s like for people too…we get programmed where our feelings, our thoughts, our bodies don’t matter to adults who are caring for us. Our boundaries get crossed over and over and over again as children and dysfunction gets created. Then as adults, we have a romantic partner INNOCENTLY wanting to connect with us, but the signals they are sending off, completely get misinterpreted and we become that fearful dog, even though there is nothing to be afraid of…but our system DOES NOT know that. So again, his response of putting you in the corner, JUST BECAUSE you want to be close (which is a good thing, right), but something in his system reacts to that intimacy with fear…and he is doing what that dog would do…reacting in a way to protect him…even though there actually is no threat. That’s why feelings are not right or wrong and they definitely are NOT the facts. Feelings are just SYMPTOMS of what programs, beliefs, low self-esteem and stories you are carrying in your subconscious.
What the new dog owner needs to do, is NOT take it personally that their new dog is afraid of the stick. The new owner needs to understand what the fear is about and take some time to help re-program their dog and create a new story around the stick. The stick represent play now, NOT a beating. It’s going to take some time, so patience is needed. Compassion is needed. Understanding is needed. And that’s how we need to treat each other. Whatever fear he has living in him, it’s valid. Someone taught him to be afraid. He hasn’t processed out those fears and wounds from his past and he doesn’t know how. The same is true for you too. Most people have no clue to how to help themselves or what is happening beneath the surface of their feelings, so they just do the best they can, until they learn a new way to go about it. You and this guy are EXACTLY the same. You BOTH have baggage that is being activated by each other’s feelings and words and you BOTH are trying to figure out how to move through this. You at least are here to get some help and hear another a perspective. WELL DONE!!! Most people don’t do that. He has no clue how to handle what he is feeling, so what else can he do except to try and protect himself by putting up walls and becoming less connective.
So the way to help someone through that, is to get them out of their fear/protect response. You do that by backing off. Give them space to breathe. Give them space to feel what they need to. Be soft, supportive, and encouraging. Validate how they feel. Have compassion about how they feel. Learn and be curious about how they feel. And if they still just don’t come around and decide to stay open for navigating the speed bumps differently, then that is something you need to know about them. If he is going to let this fear run his life, then there is nothing you can do about that. He will be a guy who will ALWAYS keep a woman at arm’s length, despite wanting to fall in love. The love he has to offer will ALWAYS be limited, as long as that fear stays within him. So…you then have a choice to make. Do you want to engage and continue connecting with a man who is not willing to face his fears? Do you want to keep fighting for a guy who won’t fight for himself? Do you want to hand your heart over to someone who is emotionally available only up to a certain point? Eventually, your heart will start to feel lonely and starving for connection. But maybe you need to go through that again, to finally decide to not engage in this pattern anymore. So far, every guy you have been in relationship with, is the same exact pattern. They all are emotionally limited. They all are NOT able to offer you unconditional, expansive, nourishing love and connection – even in the worst moments. This guy may be the same…he may or may not come around. What YOU need to pay attention to, is yourself. How long are you going to engage in HIS design? How long are you going to wait for him to come around? How long are you going to fight for a guy who tends to run when his fears come up?
Heidi
Hi Cindi!
I’m soooooo so glad you sent this for me to read. Good job for writing of this out for yourself. It’s good to give your words and thoughts freedom like this! Well done!
It is NOT an appropriate message to send. It’s confusing, it has a flavor of resentment and the ONLY thing it will accomplish is him putting more walls up and instantly pushing him away. It is not an inviting, open message. It’s an upset message coming from your feeling of betrayal. You are pointing the finger at him and telling him he is behaving like a 21 year old instead of looking at this speed bumps as BOTH of you working TOGETHER bits at a time. You don’t like his 21 year old behavior, right? Well this letter is your 21 year old getting upset because she isn’t getting what she wants from him. So you BOTH have young parts of yourself, operating from wounds and upsets.
First and foremost…make is RULE that you DO NOT text about serious matters of the heart. It’s dangerous. It’s sooooo so easy for things to be mis-interpreted which can escalate arguments so fast. So sending your feelings over text message is NOT good. Save it for a real conversation so he can see you and feel you and you BOTH can address things that are said, IN THE MOMENT. If this relationship is going to last, you both have to learn how to work together through these messy spots IN PERSON.
Look at these statements:
He told me that I need to take care of myself, and I agreed, but also said I have a lot going on because I’m homeschooling a kid and watching a toddler all day when they’re not with their dad.
I also told him id like him to take better care of himself, rather than trying to treat his body like it’s immortal – like complaining that he’s worn out, and then kayaking for four days in a row and not eating properly. He agreed that I was right.Do you see how you BOTH are pointing the finger at the other telling the other how they should be taking care of themselves? Do you see how you BOTH are mothering the other? Why is this even being discussed? You guys are adults. You both know the consequences of how you take care of yourselves. It shouldn’t even be a discussion at this point. HE GETS TO WARE HIMSELF OUT!!! YOU GET TO BE BUSY WITH YOUR KIDS!!! Leave each other alone. Remember how I said relationships are 3 parts? You, him, and the relationship. With these statements, you are focusing on him directly and not the relationship and he is focusing on you directly, and not the relationship. Treat each other as grown adults who know what they are doing. He KNOWS he is waring himself out and chooses to do it anyways. You can talk about how that is affecting the relationship itself, but to tell him he has to do better, is mothering him…and vice versa. Does this make sense?
Part of me is angry that he decided all of this without me and didn’t seem interested in my thoughts. He didn’t decide anything without you. I understand that the feeling of betrayal got activated for you, but again, HE didn’t make you feel betrayed. He cannot activate the energy of betrayal in you, unless it was already there inside of you. This feeling is about you. You are wanting to point the finger at him and get mad that he doesn’t know what he wants for his future yet, but the truth is, this relationship is still soooooo new. Why would he know what he wants with you in a year, or 5 years??? It takes TIME to build trust and safety and learn that you guys can work through the sticky spots together….or not. You are asking for a long term commitment from a guy who is scared (most are – it’s normal) and has a higher level of fear. So what that he ran to his friend! Good for him! I love that he has a friend he can go talk to. And ABSOLUTELY NOT should he have come to you first. He went to his friend, just like you are coming here to talk with me, to gain perspective…to vent and say and feel things that might be damaging for you to hear. We ALL need a safe space outside of our partners to talk about our challenges. Who cares who he goes to first, as long as he eventually gets to you. He obviously is operating from A LOT of fear, so it took him a while for him to circle back to you. This is your first big sticking point, so give yourselves a break. You both are still learning about each other and are facing a potential deal breaker…those are difficult to navigate because of all the feelings flying around from being triggered.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT THE FACTS!!!! He did not betray you. What a person says in one moment, can easily change once fear or anger or hurt enter the picture. In the beginning, he was open and absolutely wanting the deep, connective long term love. But now that he is being faced with the beginning of building it, his fear is coming up like crazy. THIS IS NORMAL!!! The choice he needs to make is whether or not he is going to let that fear sabotage his connection with you (which sadly is the common choice) or face his fears and keep moving forward with you. So he did not betray you. Fear entered the picture and changed his mind…which it ALWAYS does. He is having a very normal response to fear.
His feelings of fear are not the facts either. So basically what is happening here, is you BOTH keep triggering each other and it’s only leading to more disconnect vs. connection. You guys are trying to solve this thing, but keep missing each other somehow. Here is the analogy I like to use. When BOTH people are operating from their triggers, it’s like 2 active tornadoes interacting with each other and trying to find the peace and calm. It will never happen that way. One person NEEDS to stop being a tornado and become the ground. The ground is stable, consistent, calm and a place for the tornado to stay connected to and eventually, the tornado dissipates. THEN you guys can actually start to problem solve. So being that he is not going to budge and face his fears, YOU need to decide to become the ground and let him wrestle with his fears the way he wants to. You stay consistent, calm, grounded and centered and eventually, he will start to feel safe with you again.
Here is the thing though Cindi. I know you want to work this out with him, but it’s also important that you REALLY observe how he is handling all of this. He is the best kind of man you have ever experienced up to this point. That DOES NOT mean that he is a good partner when the chips are down. The red flag I am seeing here (from what you are telling me) is that he is wanting things to be HIS way. YOU are the one who needs to adjust, not him. And this is a problem. This is the kind of mindset that causes relationships to break. So…I always tell people, of course you get to keep building connection with this person, but just know what you are walking into. Know that you are building a relationship with a guy who has a tendency to care more about his own feelings and experience than yours. It won’t last. Trust and safety will break over and over and over again, and eventually, even the good and wonderful things that brought you guys together in the first place, are ruined.
You have some things to work on within yourself as well. You cannot expect nor ask that he faces his fears when you are not willing to do the same thing. You are feeling betrayed, fooled, angry, frustrated…all of which have made a home within you BEFORE he ever came along. So it’s about learning that your triggers are YOUR story and YOUR responsibility to face and work with, not his…and vice versa. That’s what makes an amazing connection grow and sustain over long periods of time.
So for now, I suggest to just give him space and keep giving yourself space as you navigate your feelings on your own. Where have you felt betrayed before in your life? Where have you felt left behind before? Where have you felt like you didn’t matter?
And I would write him this: “Hi babe. I will be honest that there are a lot of things we talked about that brought up some of my fear and insecurities. I have some things to face within myself. It’s not YOUR responsibility, it’s mine. What I do know is this….I love you. I know we have hit a speed bump and we are still learning about each other. It’s good for us. I think what is best for now, is that we both understand it’s a bit of a bumpy road right now, so how about we just focus on 1 thing…small things often. That’s it. Let’s just take a break, focus day to day, not bring the future into the equation, and just figure out how we can navigate this busy season of yours in a better way.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
and p.s. I have an INCREDIBLE coach who you might consider working with. She will help you process all of your feelings in a healthy way. We can talk all we want Cindi, but it doesn’t make your feelings of betrayal or upset go away. I wish all it took were words, but that’s just not how it works. You need some help releasing all that stuff you are carrying around inside. If you want her info, let me know and I will email it to you.
Hi Heidi!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are here learning, so you can set yourself up for success moving forward.
I have a lot of suggestions for you, but what I DON”T want to happen, is you learning a “formula” for what you can say. That is your MIND taking over. Connection requires heart. Gratitude requires heart. Compliments require heart.
It sounds like the last guy you dated, wanted to FEEL your words…he wanted more of your heart to come through. Here is a great example I just don’t really know what to say except “that’s great that your work helps people”.. I’m not sure how to gush on about it.. When you say “that’s great that your work helps people” it’s definitely a thought you expressed, NOT a feeling. That statement says NOTHING about how you FEEL about his work. There is nothing of YOU in that statement. It’s a distant statement that has nothing personal about YOU in it. You don’t need to gush, you just need to make it more personal. Here is a different way you could have said it where your heart would have come through more…”I really love and respect the work you are doing. You are helping a lot of people and it’s such a beautiful thing!” See how this is more personal? You bring HIM into your compliment by telling him you love and respect what he does. You bring yourself into this compliment by being a bit more specific about what you love and respect and calling it beautiful…that’s a heart word. Do you see how these are the same exact compliments but one is coming from the mind and one is coming from the heart?
Compliments, Both receiving and giving, are the SAME exact thing. You need to access your heart…your feelings. So when I get a compliment, I used to reject them, then I healed more and I moved into saying “thank you” instead of rejecting them, and as I healed even more, I now FULLY receive compliments and they go ALL THE WAY into my heart and feels sooooo amazing. When someone is giving you a compliment, it’s like they are giving you a present. If you open that present and just say “thank you” it makes it not very fun to give that gift. When you give someone a present, you want THEM to be excited and you want them to feel SOMETHING about that present you gave them, right? So…when I receive a compliment, I make sure that I let that person know how it made me FEEL, so they know I heard them and I LOVE the gift they just gave me. I might say something like “Wow. What a beautiful thing you just said. That really made me feel good! Thank you for saying that!” or “What a wonderful compliment you just gave me. That felt really good to hear. Thank you!” or “I really appreciate you saying that! I struggle a lot with this part of myself, so you telling me that, is actually really impactful and helpful for me. Thank you!” Again, you want the other person to know that the gift they just gave you, had an impact on you somehow. It’s NOT about the words, because you could literally repeat everything I just said and it will not be enough. It’s about opening your HEART to let the compliment in and letting yourself FEEL the impact of it. It’s about the energy you offer in return, not the words. Does this make sense?
So that leads me into wondering why you are so dominant in using your mind to navigate connection, instead of your heart. Typically, that just means there is a lot of wounding that put walls up around the heart. Or…it might just be your personality. For example, most engineers or dominant left brain, so they have a much more difficult time accessing their heart and being in intimate, close relationships.
As a female, it would mean you accessing your feminine, nurturing, connective side. Tell me about that side of yourself. Do you feel comfortable being soft, vulnerable, nurturing, open and in a “receiving” kind of energy?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing more about your situation? What is happening that you guys broke up? Are you saying you haven’t talked in 2 months? How long were you together?
Heidi
This is great! You guys had a very honest conversation!!! Well done! I know it’s not everything you wanted to hear, but that’s okay. He is still wanting to stay connected with you, so that keeps things moving forward.
We talked about how to be there for each other and give each other what we need while also providing space. Great! What did you guys come up with? What did YOU ask for and what did HE ask for? Do you feel clear about how to move forward? Do you feel he understood your experience as well?
He said that I spooked him when I asked if he wanted me living with him eventually and I shared how it made me feel. He said he’d felt responsible for my feelings and my time lately and that with that and being spooked that he didn’t feel as safe. Okay. So it sounds like there is something much deeper going on with him. He “felt responsible” for you and that is HIS issue, not yours. He has some deeper programming going on in his subconscious that causes him to “feel responsible” in the first place. I’m wondering if maybe his mother set up that program for him when he was a child. The truth is, even if YOU were reacting in way where you were expecting him to take care of you, he played a part in that design. He could easily have NOT engaged in that energy. For example, I dated a guy for a bit who felt like I was not affectionate enough with him. No matter how many times I explained to him that it takes time for me to allow someone into my physical space and that trust and safety needed to be established, it didn’t make sense to him. He NEEDED more affection from me to feel more secure in our connection. Although his need was coming from an unhealthy, wounded place and he wanted to put that on me, I just didn’t engage. I felt ZERO responsibility for his roundedness, insecurities, and how he functioned with them. “Feeling responsible” for anyone’s feelings is NOT a program I have in my system, so it doesn’t get activated. But your guy DOES have that program. It’s not YOUR responsibility to fix it. He obviously got triggered when you mentioned moving in at some point, which tells you how much that “feeling responsible” program is running in his system. His response is showing you where some of his “fault lines” (the cracks in our system) live. You are learning about HIS triggers. This is about you not feeling responsible for him either. His reaction is his to deal with, just like you need to deal with yours. Does this help bring some clarity into why he reacted the way he did? There are more layers I can help explain, if you feel you want deeper understanding.
I know he said he never wants to get married again. This may or may not be true. Who knows. He may change his mind at some point, but he may not. You need to be accepting of his choice. If your need to get married is a non-negotiable for you, then you need to either shift your need, or break it off. He is being VERY clear about this and it’s your job to accept this about him. How do you feel about this?
I asked him if he thought he needed some space and time to figure out what he needed from our relationship, and he said no, that he just needs to feel like he’s not responsible for me. I’m not really sure what this means for HIM. Did you get clarity on this? What does he need differently from you for him to not feel responsible for you? This is a bit tricky, because in reality, he is asking YOU to do for him, what he is not willing to do for himself. In essence, he is making YOU responsible for helping him feel better, all the while telling you he does not want to feel responsible for you. Do you see how mixed up that is? He is NOT operating from a clear space and does not understand how he is doing to you EXACTLY what he is asking you NOT to do to him. Of course, he has no clue he is doing that, but that’s just because he doesn’t know himself that well.
Relationships are 3 components. You, him and the connection. So if someone were to say “I don’t want to feel responsible for you” I would say I don’t want that either, BUT…I do require that our connection is taken care of. I do require that this entity called a relationship, is cared for by you. It’s like a plant….it has life and NEEDS water if it’s going to stay alive. If he doesn’t water the plant, then he cannot expect that it somehow will stay alive and keep growing. So while he doesn’t want to feel responsible for you, he still needs to contribute to feeding, nourishing, and taking care of the relationship somehow. If he doesn’t even want to do that, then he is NOT ready for anything deeper or connective and is emotionally unavailable. He cannot expect to water his plant all the time and then when summer hits, he just stops watering it because he’s busy. He may water it less and you need to water it a bit more, but he still needs to participate in watering it….no exception. He cannot let work completely overtake his life to the point that you become this side thought to him. That’s not okay and that is way out of balance and is damaging to the connection.
So I’m not sure where things were left off with you guys. I’m not sure if I helped you with the uneasy feeling you have. From what you said, it’s pretty normal to feel uneasy, because he feels like he is 1 foot out the door and that doesn’t feel good. Let’s keep talking this through!
Heidi
Were these HIS words or are you guessing how he felt?
And I need clarity about the living situation. Were you talking about moving in together already?
Also, I’m curious what you think it means to be “needy.” Obviously you have a fear around that for some reason. How come? Is that something you have been told about yourself?
It also seems like you have this need to be “perfect.” Would you agree with that? I say that because you said this: I want to find a way back in, but I don’t want to do all the wrong things wrt to getting an ex back. Anytime someone has a need to do the “right” thing or a fear of doing the “wrong” thing…means they are trying to be EXACTLY what they are supposed to be and do, in order to get what they want/need. The problem with this thinking, is it’s not realistic and nor is it how you approach relationship. I understand you want to get this guy back, but in the end, if he is not able to accept you WITH ALL OF YOUR FEARS AND BLUNDERS, then there is a MUCH BIGGER issue here. In the end, you want to be love for EXACTLY who you are…your imperfections, your insecurities, your mistakes, your hurts…. ALL OF IT.
I understand you want to avoid doing the “wrong” things. Everybody does. But a more powerful way to look at this is “What are different ways I can approach this, that can help us reconnect?” You can try various ways to approach trying to re-connect with him, but like I previously said…in the end…if he is not able to accept you for who you are, then he is NOT a good match for you and the relationship will be fundamentally flawed and broken and will not last, no matter how much you care for him.
My point being….be okay just being yourself, even if it’s messy. When we show up messy and make blunders, it’s helps us learn about ourselves, where we are insecure, where our fears live, where we feel the need to control…and all of these things give us the opportunity for growth and becoming better partners. Even with everything that I know about relationships and the “right” things to do, I mess up and always will. I’m okay with it though. It’s just part of relationship and connection and the best I can do is accept my messiness, love myself through it, and if it’s a dealbreaker for my guy, then it is what it is. I am always just doing the best I can, and if it’s not enough for someone else, there is nothing I can do about that, as that is about THEIR journey, not mine.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Yayayaya! Well done! I have no doubt that it helped him breathe just a little easier!
I know he doesn’t know how you can help him, so that can be a conversation you have with him. He doesn’t even know what you are willing to do. So…your short talk could go something like this…”I want to help support you through this season and I know you have no clue how I can do that, but I have some ideas and you can let me know what works and what doesn’t work for you….I can help with weekly household chores, I can help by cooking you a batch of food for the week, I can help by taking your kids for a weekly outing so you can have some alone time etc…” A good question to ask him would be “what can you delegate to me that will help give you more time and make your day or week easier?” If he just doesn’t have anything, then respect his choice and make sure you leave the door open for him to change his mind. Sometimes, it can take guys a bit of processing time. So even if he says he doesn’t need your help, keep checking in every once in a while and see if there is something you can do. Also, you keep watch in the sense of hearing what daily tasks stress him out or where he feels behind, and maybe those are tasks he can delegate to you, but he doesn’t want to ask you or doesn’t think to ask you. Keep REMINDING him that you want to be his TEAMMATE and that right now, he needs some extra help and that allowing you to help is actually going to meet your needs of feeling more connected to him, because YOU will feel part of a team WITH him. He needs to understand that you WANT to help. Even those small, annoying tasks, like laundry will help you feel like you matter to him, as opposed to him just trying to fit you into his schedule when he can.
And make sure that you communicate to him what you need in return…which is his acknowledgment and appreciation. So you would say something like “As your teammate and as we navigate this together, if I am going to be doing these things for you on a weekly basis for a while, what I will need in return, is to feel like you appreciate me. It could be through your words of affection, it could be just saying Thank you, I really appreciate your help, it could be gifting me a massage, it could be giving me a passionate, long kiss letting me know that I matter….these small things will help continue to fill me up as I support you while you get through this busy season of yours.”
Does this help?
Now….I do want to also talk about your insecurities that got activated when he pulled away and how you handled it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you have acknowledged that you over-reacted. That’s the first step. The next step is to start to deep dive into your reaction, because you will over react again and again and again, until you work on the core issue that is being activated. This is what breaks relationships…people do not work more deeply on their triggers and how they handle them, and apologies become a moot point, because your partner will know it’s just going to happen again.
You said this is the first time you have been treated like a princess. I LOVE that you get to have this experience! And….the fact that it’s the first time, tells me you have chosen a lot of lower functioning men…which tells me there is a part of you, when it comes to love, that carries a lot of low self-esteem, that you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly. Let’s really think about this….someone who has high standards and a lot of high self-esteem, would not tolerate, on any level, to be disrespected or treated poorly…so being treated like a princess is the MINIMUM standard and common. Personally, this is how I have gotten to experience dating. I EXPECTED to be treated well, so that is exactly what I got most of the time. And if it swayed away from that, even in the challenging moments, they wouldn’t get to stay connected to me. I, of course, treat them with the same level of respect and value as well. So while it’s amazing that you get to experience this from a man, it needs to be just the BASELINE requirement, not the end all be all to him being your soulmate. I’m not saying he isn’t of course….I’m just saying that just because he treats you like this, DOES NOT mean that he is THAT great. He absolutely could be – I don’t know – but to give a guy THAT kind of status, requires MUCH MORE than being treated like a princess…that’s actually the easiest thing a guy has to do to earn that status.
Here is an analogy I like to use. Imagine you have been walking in the desert for days and days and you are BEYOND thirsty. Then all of a sudden, a man shows up and offers you all the water you want. You are soooooooooo crazed for water, you just drink it and think it’s the MOST AMAZING water you have EVER tasted. You are BEYOND GRATEFUL for this man helping you and giving you exactly what you have needed for so long. He looks and feels “angelic” to you.
The problem with this, is you are in sooooooo much scarcity that you don’t even THINK to check what is in the water and the pay attention to the person that is giving it to you. ANYONE in scarcity like that would NOT check. It’s a normal human response. BUT…the problem is, many times that water is toxic and harmful, but when you are in such scarcity, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get yourself to say NO to that water. Anything is better than nothing, right?
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard say some variation of “I’ve never been treated like this before! He is the first one to treat me like a princess. He actually compliments me and is so romantic and the sex is the best I’ve ever had….” Anytime I hear “It’s the first time ever….” I know how powerful that experience is for them. And 100% of the time, the thing they think makes their guy SOOOOOO AMAZING, is actually a fundamental, baseline quality, and how they should have been treated their entire lives. But that takes me back to this….that new experience of “being treated like a princess” is soooooo powerful, that is causes blinders and I watch them negotiate away the BIG RED FLAGS that are tell tale signs that a heart break is imminent…i.e. the water they are drinking is actually toxic and harmful.
I’m telling you this, because I am hearing the same tone from you. Again, I am NOT AT ALL saying this guy is giving you toxic water or is unhealthy in any particular way….only time will tell. I’m just saying that what you value about him, although amazing and beautiful, needs to be baseline and NOT the end all be all for you.
I hope this is making sense. My goal is to help keep you grounded more in the truth and how relationships function and help you connect to YOUR perspectives and experiences, so that you also DO NOT end up negotiating away the red flags you come across, just so you can keep being treated like a princess. It’s an incredibly powerful thing for all woman…BUT…if you start to strengthen your self-esteem and release the hurts from your past, THEN you become more internally strong, your standards become stronger and higher, and being treated like a princess will become a requirement – so much so, that you would rather be alone than to be treated any other way.
I hope I’m getting this concept across in the way that I intend. Trying to type it all out is tough! LOL. I’m used to teaching this to women live and allowing for their questions, so bear with me. If any of this is confusing or hits you in an uncomfortable way, talk to me about it.
I’d love to talk about what was happening for you, that you were choosing men who didn’t treat you well. Who in your life, contributed to your low standards and low self esteem?
Heidi
Hi Cindi!
Good job for getting a book and being willing to educate yourself more. I hope it helps!
Let me break this down for you. First and foremost, he is in survival mode. When anyone is in that mode, asking for anything from them beyond what they are offering will cause them to feel more stress and more tapped out. So your needs of wanting him to give you more right now, are not appropriate. He just doesn’t have it in him. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with him not setting proper boundaries for himself to keep himself more in balance. Why he does that, I don’t know, but it IS something to pay attention. This may be an unusual thing or it may be a pattern he does every summer. Something for you to explore.
The other thing to DEEPLY understand, is that men (in general) are so much more work oriented compared to relationship oriented. Women are the exact opposite. We are much more relationship oriented more than work oriented. We are just built differently. That is why women are the relationship caretakers and men are the providers (generally speaking). When a man gets tapped out, stressed about his job, unsure about his job or any flavor of that, it is VERY NORMAL for them to pull away and become less connective. I have seen it over and over and over again. They get sooooo caught up in trying to produce (which is their instinct) that their relationships tend to go down the toilet. So how your guy is behaving is within the NORMAL range of how most men would handle his situation. Does it make it right or okay? Of course not. What we women need to do is first….DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. And then, our job, as the the relationship caretaker – just like your heart is expressing in this statement I wish I knew how to be there for him, but I don’t and he says he doesn’t know what he needs and his head is a mess is to GENTLY pull them towards us to allow us to support them. What he NEEDS from you, is for you to take a backseat for just a bit. Meaning, he is in extreme overwhelm and needs help, NOT a woman who is needy. But the funny thing is about this is, although you are going to take a backseat for a bit, your needs will actually get met in this design as well. REMEMBER…this design is only temporary, NOT a permanent way to function in relationship.
How to support him is NOT by saying anything specific, but BEING something specific. Your guy’s head is a mess, so YOU need to represent that relaxing, supportive place he can connect into, to give himself a break. You are the respite from his hectic life right now. Right now, he sees you as a form of stress because he knows you are not happy and he feels like a failure which is why he keeps apologizing. So you need to change that. It means that you are going to have to take care of him MORE by being extra supportive right now. What does that look like?
NOT getting mad when he cancels the date. Sending him those wonderful, connective text messages throughout the day, and NOT getting upset if he doesn’t respond to you in the way you want. It means maybe dropping dinner or lunch off for him. It means maybe showing up late to his house and giving him a head massage or foot rub. It means leaving little written notes in his wallet where he will find it by surprise. It means hiring a house cleaner to clean his house. It means maybe going over to his place and doing his laundry. It means helping him out with his kids and giving him a little extra time to himself. It means buying him a massage. These are ALL things that ADD TO his life and support him in some sort of way. So your job is to figure out how you can help him. What can you do to make his life easier? What type of task can you do FOR HIM that will give him just a few more minutes of time? What can you do to help him relax a little more…even if for 10 minutes? And all the while, he will feel supported and like you are a gold mine that he wants to take care of in return. It might be a simple thank you, it might be that when you are giving him a foot run, he opens up to you about how stressed he feels, it might be that over enough time, he all of a sudden feels like can do EVERYTHING now, because he has your help. You need to feel like his TEAMMATE and not one more thing he has to take care of. When someone feels like they have a teammate, it strengthens them…and in return, hopefully they will be organically and naturally be more connective.
So what I suggest is that you table your need for reassurance. That is your own insecurity that you can work on yourself. He doesn’t have the capacity right now to try and fix you, when he is in survival mode. So how about shifting your purpose and instead of talking about what’s not working (which will just add to his stress) you spend that time trying to fill him back up, which will fill you back up naturally. If you guys were planning on a few hours to talk, plan something nourishing for him instead…a couples massage followed by dinner and sex or a picnic in the park…he loves nature, so get him in nature.
I feel like trying this approach FIRST, might actually end up helping you get BOTH your needs and his needs met at the same time. If this approach doesn’t work, THEN it would be time to have a little chat with him about how to navigate this differently.
So again, no talking. Just show him how much you love him, value him, and become that beautiful soft pillow and cozy warm blanket that he gets to look forward to. Use this phrase to guide you: small things often. What small things can you do often for him? It sounds like he is the kind of guy who will deeply appreciate that. And then when you keep filling him up, eventually he will have more to offer you.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Heidi!
I love that you are here asking for some help. Well done! We ALL have areas of weakness, but the smart ones resource themselves, which is exactly what you are doing.
I’m wondering if you have trouble communicating just your feelings, or is it a common pattern that spreads to other areas of your life? I’m also curious about how you do end up communicating. Does it just not come out right and you feel misunderstood a lot? Do you just have a tendency to not say things at all, because you are afraid? Do you know where your challenge with communication comes from?
As far as the specific categories you are asking about, it’s hard to offer ideas without more specific examples. For example, what are you specifically wanting to trigger with your questions? Compliments, appreciation and gratitude are pretty simple. Saying something like, “I love how you….” “I really notice how you do……and it makes me have a lot of respect for you.” “When you do…..it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.” “I appreciate sooooo much when you do…….because it helps me……” Simply just saying the words grateful and appreciate followed by the specific thing you are wanting to express is all that is really needed.
What is happening in your relationship that brings you here. Are you struggling with your person or are you here just to learn?
Heidi
