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You ask some great questions.
Have you guys talked about having a relationship with each other? I know he has expressed how he feels about you, but that’s different. Have you directly asked what he imagines having a relationship with you would be like? Ask him what he feels a good relationship functions like….what does he want and need from a partner. Get specific – even things like what sleep patterns are, how he eats, does he exercise, what are his spiritual practices, how does he spend money, what are his strongest qualities in a relationship and what are his biggest limitations in a relationship etc. See how his answers compare to yours. You might find some deal breakers with each other or you might find there is a lot of like-mindedness. It’s a great way to get to know someone.
When he says he doesn’t want to be blindsided, what does that mean? What is he actually afraid of? Regardless of his fear, it’s important for you to do what is comfortable for you. If you are not ready to talk about your ex and your experiences with him, then honor that. His fear should not force you into anything. He will be okay. We all have to face our own fears in order to master them, so all you are doing is giving him an opportunity to work with his fear if he is going to continue to pursue you. It’s good for him!!
What is it that you are most afraid of as you move forward with him?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
One of the best things you can do is just support him. Just listen and be curious about he has to say and DO NOT come at him with suggestions, advice, guidance or your opinions about his traumas and reactions, unless he asks for it. You want to create a feeling for him that he can say and be whoever he wants and that’s okay. And when you do respond, you want to talk to his higher self. For example, you might say “It sounds like you’ve been thinking about a lot of things. I know enough about you to know you will figure it out. I know you are resilient and I know you figure out how to land back onto your feet somehow. I know you are quite resourceful too. I have complete confidence in you that you will figure this out.” When you are talking to someone’s higher self, you are reminding them of the qualities they carry in themselves that are able to get them through anything. You are talking to his very best self. This is one of the best ways to help someone feel supported and to feel good about themselves without giving advice and guidance.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
I’m glad you are able to connect to him being the trigger and not the cause. Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts!
I love how much you want to learn and grow. There is sooooo much to understand, even just with ourselves. I too come from extreme trauma and I too have been doing therapy, healing etc. for about 30 years. I’m not sure if this is your mindset, but it sounds like there is a “last piece” you feel you need to work through. From my experience, there is no such thing. You will be triggered for the rest of your life. Sometimes those triggers will be easy to manage and work through and sometimes the triggers are big enough to need some professional help. That’s why I always stay connected with my coach. For the most part, I don’t need sessions, but every once in a while, I get hit with something pretty big and I am not able to clear it myself. It sounds like this is the place you are in right now. Do you have someone professional you can reach out to for right now?
He is in the same pattern as he was when you first dated. Yes, he loves you and cares for you deeply however, he will NEVER be ready for the kind of relationship you are wanting from him unless he decides to get professional help. The fear is just too big and even if he wanted to date you again, I’m sure it would be amazing for a while, but eventually he would sabotage it again just like he always does. His emotional system is NOT set up to have a successful, healthy, growing, sustainable love and connection. So as much as you say you are NOT going to chase him, that’s exactly what you are doing as you wait for him and hope that he will want to date someday. You are chasing him by wanting to apply all these techniques to the relationship – in hopes he will circle back around and want to date you at some point. You are putting quite a bit of focus on him and not really looking at the fact that his love and friendship is very limited. You are offering him EVERYTHING and he is offering you some things, within his comfort zone. He may be going through growth and change right now, but NONE of it is focused on his personal, deeper, core issues. It’s all surface and external stuff and nothing that is going to shift the fear that carries around with him every single day. He is not the type to go get help, face his issues and work through his traumas like you have. If this is the kind of friendship you want to keep in your life, go for it! Just understand that your little girl will ALWAYS be hurt by him and understand that you are no different than him or any woman who goes after him who is just working through their woundedness. Remember that TRUE, HEALTHY love means that you are loving yourself in the equation as well. Would you say it’s loving to your little girl to keep chasing after a guy who is not emotionally available? Would you say you are being a good parent to your little girl by continuing to expose her to a guy who doesn’t know how to value, respect or love her freely, without limitation? I know he has some great qualities as well. I know you feel safe and that you feel you can be yourself with him as well. Like I said previously, regardless of how amazing he is, he also will always stonewall you at some point and that makes him NOT safe. He is NOT someone to be trusted with your heart, because he will always give it back, throw it away, not care for it when his fear gets big enough. But again, you get to work through your issues and keep choosing to hope and working towards a relationship with him. No matter your path, there is always something to learn.
As far as applying the techniques, provider and respect principles, as friends, it’s pretty simple. A man provides much more than monetary stuff. What else does he bring into your life? Think about all the things that he does to “provide” a certain feeling you have. As far as the respect principle, it’s about talking to his best self. For example, he is going to be going through a huge shift in his life in January with possibly retiring. You would say things like, “I know you are facing a big change. I believe in you though. I’ve seen you handle some pretty hard things in your life. I know you will handle this one and get through it. You are a resilient, resourceful and driven man and you will figure it out.” That is one way to use the respect principle as a friend. Keep reminding him of his best self. Keep reminding him of the best parts of who he is. Does this make sense?
Hopefully, everything I said was okay. It’s hard doing coaching, especially with deeper issues, over the computer and sometimes it can come across differently than what I intend. I’m not sure if me breaking down your fantasy about him is something you are even willing to discuss or consider, so if it’s just too much and it’s something you are not interested in, just tell me and I will leave it alone. If it’s something you wish to continue to explore, I’m happy to join you in that as well.
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
Thank you for everything you have shared. It’s giving us a much more clear picture about what you are thinking, feeling and how you are experiencing all of this.
First, I want to recommend an exercise. All the tears and emotions that you have coming up, are ready to be released. He just happens to be the trigger, not the CORE cause. This exercise can help bring some stuff up from the subconscious. It’s called “left/right handwriting.” Whichever hand you normally write with, that represents your adult and the non-dominant hand represents your child. You are going to have a conversation with yourself. The number 1 rule is to NOT fix anything. Just listen and validate…THAT’S IT!!! Here is an example. If you are right handed, you would write “I feel all the tears that you have. I feel the fear you are carrying around all the time. I am here for you and I want to listen. What would you like to tell me?” Then you switch the pen to your left hand and write everything that comes to mind. NO FITLERING! Just let it all come out! Remember that it’s your CHILD energy carrying all of these emotions, so allow yourself to FEEL like a child. So you might end up saying “I’m scared that no one will ever love me. I’m so sad that he doesn’t want to be with me.” Then you, as the adult (the mother) might say “I know how scary it can be. I want you to know that I LOVE YOU and I am here for you and we are going to be okay. It’s not your fault that he is afraid of love. You are loveable, beautiful, amazing ALWAYS. You are so special to me and I am always going to be here for you. Tell me what else you are afraid of.” Does this exercise make sense? I have used this exercise MANY MANY times over the years and it’s really powerful once you get used to it. I actually end up feeling like a child trying to write with my left hand, which gives more access to the childlike feelings.
Give this exercise a shot and let me know what you think.
The other thing that’s important to understand about what is happening with your guy, is that he has a limit to how happy he will allow himself to feel. It’s directly connected to his fear and low self-esteem. So no matter how much he knows in his head about why he can’t commit to you or why he is afraid of deep love and connection, it will not change that the fear of the experience is so much bigger and is controlling him. Does this make sense to you?
Heidi
Hi Cinthia,
Welcome! We are sooooo glad you are here. You have some good questions and you are VERY WISE to seek guidance. You have a very confusing and sensitive situation. I have some questions, but make sure in your response, that you create your own thread. It’s much easier for us to make sure everyone is being responded to when each person has their own thread. If you have any troubles with that, just let us know!
First, I think it’s very healthy to be both interested in moving forward and apprehensive at the same time. One important thing to realize is that yes, you may have known this man a loooong time, but because you have never been romantic with him, you actually have no idea what he is like in sooooo many ways. So it’s important to approach this as if you are just getting to know someone….slow, authentic, honest, be discerning and be cautious – and keep moving forward and gathering information. Why not just keep everything private for a while. Your kids and your ex don’t need to know anything just yet. Go out on dates, explore how you feel around him, see how you guys function as a couple and gather more information.
You are trying to figure out the WHOLE picture (your kids, your ex etc.) and you don’t even know if you like the guy yet and if he is someone you actually want to invite into your life romantically. So for right now, what’s important is to gather information. Get to know each other through the brand new eyes of romance and start from scratch. I would also suggest to set a boundary around talking about your ex husband. Being that they are friends, even if it is cold at the moment, it’s a respectful thing to just keep that topic off limits for a while. You can easily set a boundary and say something like, “That is a subject off limits just for now. It’s important for me to respect your friendship and not share intimate details of our relationship with you. At least not right now. There are so many other things to talk about and ways to get to know each other, so let’s explore those topics first.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Curiana!
Welcome to the forum! It definitely sounds like you have a bit of a confusing and challenging situation. I will write a brief response here, but it will be really helpful if you create your own thread, that way we can make sure everyone is being responded to and things don’t get mixed up between you and the other person on this thread. If you have any troubles figuring out how to post your own thread under this topic, just let us know!
Lets me just make sure I am understanding correctly. He broke up with you because he felt that you shouldn’t have talked to his friend that way or was he upset just because you talked to his friend? I also do find it a bit odd that his friend invited you over for Thanksgiving. It seems quite inappropriate.
What was your response when he broke up? How long have you guys been dating? What’s the age difference? How do you feel the relationship was going so far? Did you like how you both were interacting? Do you feel you both respected each other, you both were good listeners, you both were authentic and honest with each other?
Heidi
HI Belle,
You ask him about whatever advice you are wanting. You also might consider just texting it to him and not waiting for him to respond again. He may feel like you are playing a game with him. He asked “what’s up” and then you didn’t really answer him. He may feel like you are just drawing it out and manipulating him into responding to you. Does this make sense?
Can you be okay if you let HIM figure out what is missing? If he can’t even figure that out for himself, on his own, then that’s important for you to know about him. It’s not YOUR job to figure out how and why he feels what he feels. That is HIS responsibility and if he isn’t interested in doing that or understanding what is happening for him, then you don’t have much of a partner in the first place. Let him do the work that he is supposed to do in a relationship to keep it going.
You can ask some questions though. Even simply asking him “What was missing for you?” Or “What DID work for you? And what didn’t work for you?” If he doesn’t have answers to those questions, then there is not much you can do to figure out anything for him. He is the only one who can truly do that.
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
Welcome to the forum! We are so glad you are here and sharing your question.
Wow! Super confusing!!! He definitely is sending some mixed signals. That is a HUGE red flag. He is saying all kinds of personal, flirty things, yet says “he doesn’t feel that way about you” and that you are “just friends.” To me, that is a guy who is getting his “fix” off of you. He gets a good boost of feeling good about himself by using the feelings you have for him. I used to do that A LOT when I was younger. I would flirt to keep the guys interested, even though I wasn’t really interested. It just felt good to know that I was attractive and wanted by someone. People that live that way, have A LOT of low self-esteem. It took me a looooong time to really clean up all the baggage I was carrying and to stop using men that way.
I’m wondering why you guys broke up in the first place. What happened?
I know you feel like your connection is amazing and wonderful, but in reality, as you have just learned, he is NOT on the same page as you. It’s shocking, considering all the things he says to you. Essentially what you did is called him on it by asking him to take ACTION on all of his words by going on a date with you and he immediately shut you down. That just let’s you know that his words and actions DO NOT line up and he is NOT someone who is available for you. WHat I suggest is to set some boundaries. He is “playing” with your heart and that’s not okay. If you want to remain friends, then it’s important that you let him know that all the flirting and the teasing so to speak is no longer okay.
There is a lot to say about your situation, but I’m going to stop there, just to see how what I said makes you feel and then we can go from there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh my goodness! You crack me up! I LOVE everything you are doing! I’ve never gotten a flocked tree before, but have been tempted many times. I’ve never considered the mess it would make! lol. It all sounds fabulous though. You sure are spreading a lot of much needed joy around. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your spirit!
I get it about Robin. You are sooooo much stronger! I’m not sure this would have been your response a while ago. You sound very grounded and centered and connected to yourself. Make sure you really celebrate yourself for that. I celebrate you! You are moving on with such grace and very connected to the truth vs. looking at everything that went “wrong.” You’ve grown sooooo much!
Your dad’s welcome sign sounds like a lot of fun! Did you have fun creating it?? I hope he truly is able to appreciate it!
As far as the guys giving you the silent treatment, if you are willing to share some of the exchanges or some of the things you wrote, we’d be happy to offer some ideas. Otherwise, in my mind, it doesn’t really matter. I haven’t come across a person yet who hasn’t been ghosted or received the silent treatment. It happens everywhere, all of the time. It’s part of the online dating culture and it’s part of the average person’s way of dealing with things.
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I’m glad you are realizing some brand new things! That’s great!
Remember that men love to feel like a hero. Most likely, he is asking that specific question because he is wanting to feel like he “rescued” you or “saved” you somehow by giving you the best life you have ever had. He is looking for a way to feel better about himself. One of the best ways to respond to questions like that, is to give detail, so they know what EXACTLY makes you feel that way.
You can just bring it up at any time and say “You know how you have asked me the question if it’s the best life I’ve known? I was thinking about it the other day. One of things that makes me feel that way is when you………Also, when you do………it makes me feel like a princess or it makes me feel like I”m safe or it makes me feel like I can do anything etc.”
You want to give concrete examples. Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I’m glad the links Kanya posted were helpful for you. Maintaining a good relationship is quite tricky isn’t it? It’s a very creative process and as long as you stay curious, open and willing to learn and implement all kinds of things, to see what works and doesn’t work, you are being an incredible partner. Remember though, do not forget about yourself in the process. It’s VERY easy for women to focus completely on making sure the man is getting what he wants and needs and to forget about what inspires them and their own needs and wants. Make sure that you value, care for and honor yourself just as much, if not more than him. The happier and more connected to yourself you are, the less pressure he feels, the more he will be happy in a relationship with you and the chance for longevity increases.
You are doing a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
I’m going to invite you to think about something first and then I’ll answer your question.
Why do you want him back? Do you want him back because having him back means that you won’t have to hurt anymore? That’s the #1 reason why couples get back together. They don’t actually get back together for healthy, clear reasons…they are just wanting to stop hurting. Although, most people would argue that. People will say, “I miss him and I love him. I miss sharing my day with him, I miss laughing with him, I miss my friend, I miss…..We did have a good relationship and I think it could really work out.” Yes, all of that is true but it’s only half the story. The other half of the story are the unhealthy patterns that caused the breakup in the first place. The heartache, the rejection, not feeling listened to etc.
The reason I am wanting you to dive deeper into what you want, is so that you are truly connected to the REAL reasons for you wanting him back. You are conscious that “I do get that I am probably feeding into “bad” behavior” so the next step would be diving deeper into why you are wanting to choose a guy who keeps breaking intimacy and sabotaging. Yes, he has a lot of wonderful qualities and the connection with him feels amazing AND this one quality of sabotaging ruins all of it. It’s a powerful enough pattern in him that it prevents you from truly getting to experience the rest of the good stuff. So what is happening inside of you that you would want to keep choosing an experience like this?
Okay…now let’s talk about your question. You want him back how you were in the beginning….that’s NOT going to happen. It’s important that as you move forward, you deal with WHAT IS and not what used to be. The beginning is gone and done, so let’s figure out how to make WHAT IS, better for you. Let’s talk about the boundaries you want to set. What kind of boundaries are you wanting to set with him? Tell me about how would like to see the relationship work? What do you need from him EXACTLY?
Heidi
I’m glad you feel good about giving him space at the moment. I think that he will feel the most supported by you that way. Make sure that in the meantime, you really fill yourself up with all kinds of pleasurable activities. Do you have any hobbies? Can you maybe connect with friends more? How about getting a few bouquets of flowers and placing them around your space. You can take more baths, read some of your favorite books, watch some good movies that fill you up. Now is the time to really dowse yourself with good stuff so that you can better handle the absence of him in your life for right now.
As far as your sex life, if his medication affects his libido, it can absolutely also affect how he feels about you. I think it would a valid factor to consider. I don’t know if he has thought about that. What I’m wondering is what exactly is missing for him. I mean, he has this idea about what he should feel with you, so what EXACT thing is missing from that equation? Do you know?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing some really great work!!! Well done! Any man who gets to be with you will be soooo lucky!
You ask a great question! Yes, it does take practice, but that’s not the whole picture.
First and foremost, it’s about doing it with yourself. “You cannot give what you don’t have.” If you don’t have appreciation and love for yourself, you won’t TRULY be able to offer it to another. I mean, technically you can, but the energy is different. If you are empty of love and appreciation, whatever you offer to others will be weak energetically and most times will not have a clear intention behind it. My point being, the more you fill yourself up, the more you will be able to give NATURALLY. You will know and value and sense when the hero instinct is needed, because you actually have personal experience with it.
I am able to sense and feel the micro moments of every situation because of how deeply I know and connect to myself. Essentially, we are all the same. We all hurt when we get rejected, we all have reactions to abandonment, betrayal etc. So when you know yourself and your own reactions and where all of it comes from, you will also know another. Yes, they have different details to their story, but you will be able to easily sense “Oh this guy is having trouble right now and has trouble allowing himself to be loved (even though he hasn’t said a darn thing about it) and you will then know how to best support him in indirect or direct ways – and you will know this because you have gone through it yourself and you figured out how to love, accept and support yourself through it.
Basically, I’m saying that the most important component to knowing, understanding and supporting another person is doing it for yourself first and foremost. And then of course, practicing it with others. You can practice all you want, but if you don’t know yourself and you don’t have actually experience with what you are practicing, it will not have much meaning behind it. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
He sounds quite confused and is definitely sending you some mixed messages. It’s obvious you guys are strongly connected. But if it’s not quite feeling like he wants it to feel, something needs to shift. It absolutely could be fear. When the fear is big enough, our system will sabotage connection in some way or another. I know I have lost feelings before in the past and I had to REALLY explore the source. It turned out it was my fear that was the source of me losing interest instead of me truly losing interest. It’s quite difficult to figure it out unless you have some expert help though. My point being is that he is having quite the battle inside of himself. He deeply cares about you AND something is stopping him from moving forward. Good job on giving him some space so he can figure it out the way he needs to!
I’m curious about your sex life. Would you mind sharing more about this? Do you initiate and do things that make him feel wanted? When you are having sex, do you feel he is passionate, connected and enjoying himself? Does he initiate? Do you feel you guys have good romance?
Heidi
