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Hi Nicole,
It’s confusing isn’t it?? People have their opinions and it can be REALLY confusing when even opposing opinions have truth in them.
I want to bring you back to yourself though. The thing is, all your focus and attention is on him. You want him back so badly, that you are losing who you are. How much of your day is spent thinking about him and trying to get him back? Here you are, fighting for a guy who has treated you so nonchalantly. You hope he is working on his issues, but is there any evidence? Does he have a history of working on his issues? Has he ever seen a therapist? Does he read books, listen to podcasts, read articles that will help him learn and grow? My guess is, probably not. So you are fighting for a guy, waiting around for a guy who is not really going to change and has a limited capacity of what he can offer you. Because all of your focus is doing what you can to get him back, you are just going to support his way of being and you are going to support being treated in this way.
When you put your focus on yourself, you will get much farther. Questions to explore would be: Where am I rejecting myself and my needs? What is in me that causes me to fight for a guy who doesn’t value me the way I want to be valued? Do I feel safe with him? Do I respect him? Do I trust his process 100%? Do I accept him for who he is 100%? Just some things to think about…
As far as what to do, again…this needs to be about YOU, not him. You have to be you Nicole. You are trying to figure out what would be best for him and you are completely disregarding how YOU feel. If you want to reach out, then reach out! If you want to wait awhile, then wait awhile. There is no perfect answer here. I know you want to do the “right” thing to get him back, but here is the truth. If he is inspired by you and if he wants to reconnect, he will – whether you reach out or not. If he isn’t, then you need to know that about him. Either way, you need to honor how YOU feel. I know for me, I would be contacting him getting my stuff back and exchanging things. It would be a peaceful and respectful process, but I am not the kind of person that will hang out to see if someone decides they want to be with me or talk with me. I might give it a few weeks to give them space, but I have my own level of tolerance. That’s me though….who are you? Instead of trying to decide what to do based on whether it will work to get him back or not, decide on what YOU want to do and how to honor yourself, your needs, your feelings. It’s important for him to know who you truly are. It’s important for you to be your authentic self with him. If it works, then great! If it doesn’t work, then you know he isn’t someone who is able to love and accept you for exactly who you all….mess and all.
It sounds like you really want to reach out. So why not reach out and give him his present. It’s appropriate and a really nice gesture. Then you can step away again and give him more space and just see what happens. One day at a time. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
Is there a reason you ignored him? You could have given a simple wave and smile in return, even though you were on the phone with your dad. What stopped you from at least acknowledging his wave? I imagine he may have interpreted your ignoring him as you being mad at him. Maybe…you never know. Regardless, I’m wondering why you ignored him.
As far as getting him back, how about you shift your focus a bit. Being that he broke up because he didn’t feel “connected” to you and he is going through a lot right now, how about focusing on the best way to support him. That may mean that you won’t get back together for a while because he needs time to figure things out. If all you focus on is getting him, it generates a desperate type of energy and guys INSTANTLY feel that and want to run the other direction. Instead, you want to feel grounded, centered and at peace with what is happening. He needs to feel you just being supportive vs. needing/wanting something from him that he can’t offer right now. Does this make sense?
So this 30 days of no contact needs to be spent working on yourself, learning and focusing on what you can do to become a better partner….for ANY guy…not just for him. What could you have done better in the relationship? Look at what ALL of your strengths were and all of your weaknesses. Where did your fears show up? Where did you find yourself sabotaging? Where did you find yourself being really effective? What can you do to fill yourself up with joy, love, peace, laughter? If he does decide to connect again, you will be MUCH more attractive to him if he knows you spent your time apart living your life to your fullest. This is the time to deeply get to know yourself as a single person and as a partner. Then when it’s time to connect again, you will be more clear about how you want to proceed forward. Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
That’s too bad that Robin feels he needs to not talk to you ever. It’s quite childlike to not even respond to the things that you have messaged him about. It’s a good thing it ended, as he would be a horrible person during stressful times. You would be left all alone! Yuk!
That’s funny that Dean showed up on Christian Cafe. At the very least, you guys have some things in common, being single, Christian and looking! There’s a lot to talk about already with him!
No plans for Christmas. My mom lives one building over in our condo complex, so we will just hangout per usual. Nothing special. You will be spending Christmas where you are currently at, yes? Why not line up some Christmas movies, make an incredible meal, go for a walk, message several people you love and enjoy some sparkling cider? That sounds like a nice day!
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
Yes…therapists are VERY busy these days. That’s great news because people are reaching out for help. We all need it right now! I’m so glad you are able to use the service as well. It’s great timing for you!
I’m happy to have helped in some sort of way. Learning about men and relationships and love is a limitless journey and I’m happy to have shared the journey with you! I wish you TONS of healing, clarity and joy to come back into your life. We are always here to help however we can!
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I’m sorry you have had to endure such a challenging life. I get it. We all need reminders every once in awhile about who we truly are and what we have within in to master whatever shows up. There will always be much to learn…but at the core of who you are Rose…you are enough and you are more than the pain, the fear, the traumas. You are resilient. You are powerful. You are strong.
I know the intensity of love can be very scary, especially when it is not returned to the same level. One thing I have learned on my path, is that loving someone else is truly and most authentically loving myself. Instead of being afraid of the love you have for Dave, why not use it to your advantage? Love is powerful, transformative and healing. Turn that love you have for him and direct it towards yourself as well. Get to know it…fears and all. Dissect it, understand it, experiment with it….it’s a beautiful and VERY powerful thing you feeling, so embrace it and empower yourself with it instead of being afraid of it.
Thoughts?
Hi Theresa,
You are asking some really great questions. I’m going to just be very blunt and honest here and hopefully that is okay. I believe that when we are able to connect to the deeper, core truths, we are able to create movement forward.
It seems that you are wanting HIM to behave in a certain way (stop hiding you from his ex and daughter) so you can feel okay about the relationship. It is COMPLETELY possible for you to feel okay about the relationship, even if he doesn’t do that. I can completely understand his need and desire to keep the peace while he is making things official with his divorce. Of course he has A LOT to work through still and he is dealing with a lot of his fears. One, of many fears, is causing more chaos by involving you in the equation. When someone has a PILE of fears, failures, disappointments, hurt etc. the most they can do is just little bits at a time. The truth is, he is doing the very best he knows how. He believes it’s best to keep you separate from them for right now. Your response and your need to push is basically telling him that you do not trust his process and you do not trust how he deals with his life. This lack of trust in him and the feeling you carry about being “rejected” or “hidden” lives in you. Who has treated you like this before? It sounds like his choices to “hide” you is triggering something in you from your past that hasn’t been completely resolved yet. Thoughts on this?
The reality is, you have chosen to step into a very tricky situation. You have chosen to hook up with a guy who hasn’t completed his divorce yet, which means he still has a lot inside of him that has to be dealt with. It’s very possible you are a rebound for him. The thing is, no one really knows that until time runs its course. The truth is, he is not fully and completely emotionally available for you right now – no one would be who is going through a divorce. Is it possible for you to be okay with that? I think he is giving everything he has to you and if that is not enough for you right now, then maybe it’s time for you to re-evaluate your choice. You pushing him over and over and over again, is only going to cause him to want to go the other way. Why not experiment? How about you let go of your need for him to involve you more in his life. Stop the pressure and see what happens. Most guys will end up stepping closer and many times, they will do EXACTLY what you want because the pressure is off. It’s IMPORTANT for him to make this choice for himself and not for you. So if you give him space, the time and trust him in his journey and how he NEEDS to handle things….a whole new world could open up. So you could say something like, “I know I have been pressuring you about this, but I want you to know it’s time for me to stop that. I am going to choose to trust you to do what you feel is best. Honestly, I don’t know what it feels like to be in your situation. So it’s time for me to just let go of my agenda and just be with you. The truth is, my fear and need to control has been running the show, but I don’t want that anymore. What I deeply want, is to just be with you. I am so grateful you are in my life, so I’m going to just focus on that. I’m going to focus on the fact that I get to have this amazing man to spend time with and get to know. I would rather spend my time laughing with you, learning all your small intricate quirks, holding your hand, making love to you and just being. Whatever happens, is what happens. It’s time for me to stop trying to control you and “us.” I am a work in progress and cannot promise that I won’t have feelings come up about it again, so I just ask for your patience. Know that I am working on it the very best way I know how.”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
I know what that feels like….you actually described it in such a perfect way….currently feel in a deep hole and dirt is being shoveled into the hole. It’s such an awful feeling and it is a powerless feeling. You are doing a great job by journaling and just letting the emotions come out. Better they come out and be expressed than staying stuck inside. You are more than your emotions Bonnie. You are more than the anxiety, you are more than the depression, you are more than the tears, you are more than the suffering. You are sooooooo much more!
Letting your ex go, is going to be a process. He is the only one in your life you have felt safe with, that you have opened up to, that accepts you for who you are and that has stayed connected with you over the years. Letting him go is so much more than just getting over and ex. It means saying goodbye to the best and only experience you have had with love. I am here as support, of course. I also am very limited with how I can help you get over him. The most I can offer are ideas, but the therapist hopefully will be able to help you start to stabilize. Once you stabilize, start to sleep and start to feel like you are out of that hole, then you will be able to approach really working on a healthier design with your ex. I think right now, your focus needs to just be on yourself and figuring out how to keep fighting for yourself.
I understand your need and desire to analyze their relationship. Yes, I would agree that he is in fantasy land. It sounds like you have a clear picture about the path they are heading on. I know it’s REALLY hard to watch someone you deeply care about, choose something that is just going to muck up their life. You have to let him do that though. That’s part of his process and part of him learning. I’ve chosen MANY crappy experiences, even when I knew better ahead of time. I look back now and understand what my needs were at the time that were more important than staying out of a crappy situation. It’s part of life though, isn’t it? We all get to choose what we want to experience. For right now, he is happy. For right now, his fantasy is making him happy. Most likely it will all come crashing in on both of them and when it does, they will deal with it. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. I haven’t yet come across a person who decides to step out of connecting with someone that makes them feel good. I too, just like you, have seen and predicted the HUGE mess being walked into and tried to warn them. I do it here, on this forum, all of the time too. I try to warn people about what they are stepping into and the pain they are causing themselves, but truth is, a person’s need to connect is much stronger than their desire to avoid the “crash.” And that’s where your guy is at in the moment. His need to connect and how good it feels is feeding his fantasy and it’s waaaaay strong and will override any common sense or dysfunction that he is stepping into. Does this make sense?
Heidi
What? So Robin showed up on Zoosk? He showed up as a match? But he didn’t message you or anything right?
Did you message the guy on Silver Singles you are interested in talking with? If yes, what did he say?
I would not suggest to message those other guys who are looking at your profile daily. You NEED a guy who initiates with you. You NEED a guy who is inspired by you and has nothing stopping him from wanting to know you. Whatever these guys’ reasons are for not reaching out to you even though they are looking at you daily, all it tells me is that there is something in them not ready or willing to reach out. That’s enough information to know, right? It’s enough to tell you something is stopping them, so I guess I would rather honor that than to try and reach out and get things going. At the same time, that’s who I am – I require the guy to initiate first – for many reasons….but maybe that is not how you want to handle it. Why not experiment and get sassy with one of them and see what happens? You have to be you and there sure as heck is nothing to lose.
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
You have a lot happening for you. You have had a lot of challenging experiences in your life. AND…you somehow are still here, fighting for more in your life. You reached out to us and you are still wanting to learn. That makes you quite courageous and resilient.
If you believe that nothing is going to fix or change how you feel, then you get to believe that. Can you maybe choose a different belief though? Is it possible that there is a way out? Yes…there is. There always is. To my dying breath, I will always choose healing, forgiving and asking for more in my life. I WILL NOT let the people who caused me so much harm growing up, steal my joy now or in the future. Can you find something in you that wants to fight for your joy, despite other peoples’ choices? Listen….I have been in MANY dark places throughout my life. What I DO know is there is ALWAYS a way out. I ask for help, I get myself into therapy ASAP, I bombard my mind, my hearing, my site with positive things and I fight for my life….sometimes one breath at a time. Each and every time, I get back up and keep moving forward. Each and every time I do that, I get more pieces of myself, I connect to deeper truths and I release more baggage. Now…I know how to catch it much sooner than later and I don’t allow myself to sink anymore. I IMMEDIATELY start to do my techniques, I schedule sessions with my Coach, I start working on forgiveness and I end up popping right back into my joy much sooner now. All that you are feeling, can be transformed. All that you are experiencing can shift.
I wish there were something we could do for you here. Have you ever tried EMDR? Hypnotherapy? Brainspotting? NAD?
Maybe check out these sites: These are all people that have amazing books, products, methods for self-healing in various ways.
https://drjoedispenza.com/collections/
https://www.greggbraden.com/
https://www.debbieford.com/I’m glad you are meeting with a therapist soon. Hopefully, they will be able to guide you through all that you are dealing with! When is your appointment?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I’m a bit confused. It sounds like you are not very clear if you even want to go on another date with him. Are you clear that you for sure want to get to know him more?
As far as him, what is making you think he is interested? Are you guys flirting with each other? Is he initiating contact with you at all since your first date?
It’s really hard to know someone through technology. It’s inevitable to build a fantasy about who you think they are and then you meet in person. Many times, it’s a completely different experience than what you imagine. Is this what it feels like happened from your experience?
More details are helpful so we can better guide you.
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I get it. Love is a HUGE risk. Opening up your heart is very scary. Love is not a guarantee for anyone. It takes great strength and courage to step into a relationship and love and there is just no way around it. The very best you can ever do is to try and educate yourself about your patterns, yourself, relationships and love and work on healing/forgiving the hurt that comes along the way.
Yes, you could turn into a hermit. Go ahead and try that for a while and see how it turns out for you. You will soon discover there are many things you will have to face in that direction as well. Reality is, no matter the path you take, you are going to get hurt, be hurt, feel hurt. The potential to be hurt is everywhere you turn. So why not instead, take the path of choosing to live your life to the fullest. Know you will get hurt, but also know that you have the skillset and resilience to handle that hurt so it moves on and doesn’t stay stuck inside of you. What if you lived in a way where you trusted that no matter what happens, you KNOW you will be okay. WHy not set yourself up for success by learning about these patterns in your life and how you can shift them? Why not learn how to release the pain and work on forgiving all the crap that caused you harm? Why not look at each new guy as a person who has some things to teach you and yo are willing to learn?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I would suggest to keep waiting for just a bit longer. When you do reach out, you want to feel settled, confident and really good about yourself. You don’t want to reach out when you feel lonely or missing him. That’s not the energy you want to send to him. Are you working out by the way? If you are going to ask that question, you need to at least be a member at a gym or have a place that you can lift weights. When you are asking an authentic question vs. something that you made up just to connect, then the whole things goes much better!!!
I’m excited to hear about your website! I go through long cycles of being vegan and I always love looking at new recipes! What kind of class are you going to teach at schools? I have no idea if these are platforms for your class, but have you looked at Udemy or Teachable?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
Part of why you are having trouble moving on, is there is no closure. Our minds need to have closure in order for our hearts to heal. So you have 2 ways to create closure. You can decide inside of yourself, it’s over. Whether or not he contacts you again, you are done and you are closing the door. Every time you think about him and wonder about him, you stop your thoughts and tell yourself it’s over. You will have to do this regardless. Your brain is so used to thinking about him all of the time, so you will need to re-program it and keep reminding yourself that you are done with him and that you want more in a relationship. Start dreaming and thinking about the kind of guy you DO want. What is he like? What kinds of things do you do together? What does your daily routine look like? How do you have fun together? What do you argue like? What is sex like? Start filling this future guy in your mind.
The other way you can create closure is to text him and say something like: “I finally have admitted to myself that I just can’t be your friend. I still have feelings for you and it’s time for me to let those go and move on with my life. So this is me telling you that I am not available as a friend anymore. At least not for now. I need to truly get over you first and then who knows…maybe our paths will cross again somehow and we can be friends at that point. I kindly request that you no longer reach out to me. I wish you the very best in your life. Take care!” I personally like to always send a message to the guy because it helps him close off his thoughts and energy towards me as well. It puts you both on the same page.
Whatever you decide to do, you will find great relief once you finally decide to close the door.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
You are really doing a great job! Make sure you are celebrating yourself for doing something that is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for women. Our strong desire to connect and to be nurturing and helpful is VERY hard to deal with when someone is not ready to receive all we have to offer. Just keep remembering that you ARE loving and supporting him by letting him figure this out on his own. This is VERY important for men. It helps build confidence in himself and it will help him feel much more capable and like he conquered something – all on his own.
Celebrate his birthday! It’s a great time to connect. Send him a message and give him his present! Can you mail it to him?
Heidi
You are doing a GREAT job Rhonda. I think what you wrote is great as well, but time will tell. It’s all experimenting, right? See if you get different kinds of responses. Change what you wrote every few weeks. I have done that MANY times, just to see the kinds of guys I would attract. It’s quite fun actually!
We look forward to hearing about this guy on silver singles!
Heidi
