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Yes! There are soooooo many stories that I know where positive results were false positives.
Wow…Dean is a lucky guy to always have the ladies chasing after him lol. I’m glad you are not chasing. You did exactly right! Give him the signals that you are interested and then leave the rest up to him. Hopefully your messaging on Zoosk brought some good entertainment into your evening!
Heidi
Hi Tera,
Welcome! I understand why you would be confused. Men experience their jobs and life sooooo much differently than women and many times, our differences can hurt each other. My guess is, this big promotion is causing his brain to really get scrambled. Meaning, he has a lot to think about and to figure out. A promotion means his day is going to change, his life is going to change, his mindset is going to change. Even though it’s a fantastic thing, it also can be stressful. Most women respond to something like that by becoming closer to their partner. We LOOOOVE to connect and we love to involve our partners in everything. That’s why we are the relationship caretakers. For men, they tend to go more into a cave. They will withdrawal and go inside and figure it out that way. This is generally speaking of course. That may be what he is doing. So as his partner, what you do is let him be in his cave. You bring him food and just place it at the entrance of his cave, so he knows you are still there and so he feels supported. This will help him more than you know. He will come out when he is ready so until then, keep living your life and trust his process. When he comes out, he will share with you. Does this make sense to you?
So how does that look in real life? It means to keep giving him space…give it a little more time before you start to get concerned. It’s only been 3 days. He has A LOT to adjust to. If this pattern continues over the next month, then it would be good to communicate how you are feeling. But for now, you can keep texting him like you have been so he knows you are still there. Send him funny videos, be light, be appreciative. You can say things like “You have done such a great job to earn this promotion and it just makes me so happy for what you have accomplished.” “Just thinking about you and sending you good vibes right now :)” Remember that as he is at work, he is in a very specific mindset and not thinking relationally. Men are like that. Women…we are just built different. We are ALWAYS thinking about relationships and we are always available to connect. So just make sure you don’t over text. Little bits here and there that don’t completely pull him out of his work mindset is good. It also makes sense that he doesn’t want to text when he has been on the phone all day. It’s technology overload.
How does what I’m saying feel for you?
Heidi
Good job Rose! All the work you have done on yourself is paying off! I know how hard it is to swim in the darkest places of yourself. However, it does create a strength and resilience that you cannot get anywhere else. Only trauma can offer that kind of strength and resilience. It makes you quite unique. Most people don’t dive in that deep, because of how scary it is. You did though! And you always will, because it’s who you are!
You said: I do know that I will never be completely free from the trauma of my past… I’m going to invite you to think about it a bit differently. Every person on the face of this planet will have good and bad days. It’s just being human. I do believe however, that freedom from trauma does not mean that it doesn’t affect us from time to time, it just means that we change the story around the trauma. There is freedom when you say “My past and my life is here to serve me. Life is happening FOR me and through me, not to me.” Freedom means that you have control over your past vs. your past having control over you. Freedom means that although you have fear, you move through it vs. avoid it. Freedom means that you are guided by truth instead of fear. Freedom means that you choose what you want for your life – regardless of what happened in the past. I learned loooong ago that there are 2 aspects of a healthy person. 1. When they are triggered, they have the skill set, the help and drive to heal and release and then move on. 2. They have cleared enough of their baggage that they are able to get back up onto their feet and connect to truth, farely quickly. I know for me, I used to be in triggers for quite awhile, but now I am able to release them so fast! It sounds like that’s what you are doing and that you have already arrived at being the kind of person you want to be. I hope you can give yourself that credit! Allow yourself to rest instead of using trauma to keep you motivated for growth. How about just resting in the peace and allowing that to help you grow. You are full and complete and whole…just as you are.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I love that you said this: Having a crush has always been magical in hard times. That’s soooo true! Many people don’t even realize how much of what they feel is actually not what is sustainable. The feelings come out because of the hard times as a survival mechanism vs. coming from a place of clarity. It’s called trauma bonding. I’m not saying this is what your experience is, I’m just commenting on your statement. I have had soooo many crushes during hard times in my life. I finally recognized the pattern when I was younger and was fascinated by how my subconscious was just trying to get help me through the challenges. The subconscious is a mysterious, powerful and very creative place!!!
I love your approach. I love that you feel okay just “being” right now. You will know what you feel like doing when it’s time. Until then, love on yourself. Well done!
Heidi
Hi Amal,
Oh goodness. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Unrequited love is awful! It’s torturous. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!
I’m going to say exactly what you don’t want to here though. This is not about you becoming different, saying something, doing something in order to get him to feel what you want him to feel. You are not in a relationship with him, yet you have completely given him your heart, your time, your energy, your everything. He is not giving the same in return and he is being honest that he just doesn’t feel that way. He either has a REALLY big block that is preventing him from accessing his heart deeply, or he truly just doesn’t feel that way. What is his relationship with his parents like? What was his childhood like? What is his relationship history like? Whatever the reason is, it’s just something you have to honor.
I know you don’t want to go out with anyone else. It might be good for you though. You are allowing yourself to live in a fantasy. He is not your boyfriend, yet you are living as if he is. He has your heart, as if he is your forever person. Your relationship with him will only last so long. He, most likely, will end up changing the relationship when he meets another woman who does make him feel like he wants to be with her. It will feel awful for you to have to go through that. You will feel cheated on, your heart will break…your whole world will turn upside down. That is the direction you are heading in.
You can take control of your path by really fighting for yourself to step away from him and allow yourself to heal without all the extra crap that would be there when he dates other women. Go on dates yourself…just to get different perspectives and experiences. Start to practice grounding yourself in reality that he is not your guy and align your behaviors with that. I know it’s an awful thought. I know it’s painful. I know it is the last thing you want to hear. You are already in pain though. It’s painful and torturous to be with him all the time and have a very intimate relationship with him, without being truly intimate because he won’t go there. You are constantly bumping up against a wall. That’s awful too.
Who knows what will happen though. When you finally decide to move on in your life and pull your heart back from him, it actually may trigger something in him to chase you. I actually have had a few of those kinds of moments in my life. I remember one guy, I liked him first (for months), but he didn’t like me. I finally accepted that and moved on. About a month later, he started chasing me. The problem was, I had already moved on and my feelings were just not there anymore. I tried hard to like him in that way, but it just wasn’t there. We were best friends for about a year. He had feelings for me that whole time! Then one day, I remember the exact moment, my feelings showed up again. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about a year. I believe that part of what allowed this to happen the way it did, is we both still lived our lives. Even though he liked me for all that time, he still went on dates and he still lived his life and was very grounded in the reality that I was not available for him. I did the same thing when I first liked him. I still went on dates and I still lived my life. Was it easy? Heck no! It was hard, but because neither of us stopped our lives waiting for each other, there was a lot of movement and growth. As long as you both stay in this very unhealthy pattern of being intimate (more than friends) and behaving like boyfriend/girlfriend in many ways, but your not…nothing is going to change. You guys are in a holding pattern, going nowhere. So it’s very possible that when you mix things up and shift what it means to be friends, it creates movement and growth in some sort of way. It’s possible that the growth is more together than apart! Wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s possible that growth will be apart…and although that wouldn’t be your choice, it will create movement, change and you will be on your way to healing and making yourself available to a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to be with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
It’s confusing isn’t it?? People have their opinions and it can be REALLY confusing when even opposing opinions have truth in them.
I want to bring you back to yourself though. The thing is, all your focus and attention is on him. You want him back so badly, that you are losing who you are. How much of your day is spent thinking about him and trying to get him back? Here you are, fighting for a guy who has treated you so nonchalantly. You hope he is working on his issues, but is there any evidence? Does he have a history of working on his issues? Has he ever seen a therapist? Does he read books, listen to podcasts, read articles that will help him learn and grow? My guess is, probably not. So you are fighting for a guy, waiting around for a guy who is not really going to change and has a limited capacity of what he can offer you. Because all of your focus is doing what you can to get him back, you are just going to support his way of being and you are going to support being treated in this way.
When you put your focus on yourself, you will get much farther. Questions to explore would be: Where am I rejecting myself and my needs? What is in me that causes me to fight for a guy who doesn’t value me the way I want to be valued? Do I feel safe with him? Do I respect him? Do I trust his process 100%? Do I accept him for who he is 100%? Just some things to think about…
As far as what to do, again…this needs to be about YOU, not him. You have to be you Nicole. You are trying to figure out what would be best for him and you are completely disregarding how YOU feel. If you want to reach out, then reach out! If you want to wait awhile, then wait awhile. There is no perfect answer here. I know you want to do the “right” thing to get him back, but here is the truth. If he is inspired by you and if he wants to reconnect, he will – whether you reach out or not. If he isn’t, then you need to know that about him. Either way, you need to honor how YOU feel. I know for me, I would be contacting him getting my stuff back and exchanging things. It would be a peaceful and respectful process, but I am not the kind of person that will hang out to see if someone decides they want to be with me or talk with me. I might give it a few weeks to give them space, but I have my own level of tolerance. That’s me though….who are you? Instead of trying to decide what to do based on whether it will work to get him back or not, decide on what YOU want to do and how to honor yourself, your needs, your feelings. It’s important for him to know who you truly are. It’s important for you to be your authentic self with him. If it works, then great! If it doesn’t work, then you know he isn’t someone who is able to love and accept you for exactly who you all….mess and all.
It sounds like you really want to reach out. So why not reach out and give him his present. It’s appropriate and a really nice gesture. Then you can step away again and give him more space and just see what happens. One day at a time. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
Is there a reason you ignored him? You could have given a simple wave and smile in return, even though you were on the phone with your dad. What stopped you from at least acknowledging his wave? I imagine he may have interpreted your ignoring him as you being mad at him. Maybe…you never know. Regardless, I’m wondering why you ignored him.
As far as getting him back, how about you shift your focus a bit. Being that he broke up because he didn’t feel “connected” to you and he is going through a lot right now, how about focusing on the best way to support him. That may mean that you won’t get back together for a while because he needs time to figure things out. If all you focus on is getting him, it generates a desperate type of energy and guys INSTANTLY feel that and want to run the other direction. Instead, you want to feel grounded, centered and at peace with what is happening. He needs to feel you just being supportive vs. needing/wanting something from him that he can’t offer right now. Does this make sense?
So this 30 days of no contact needs to be spent working on yourself, learning and focusing on what you can do to become a better partner….for ANY guy…not just for him. What could you have done better in the relationship? Look at what ALL of your strengths were and all of your weaknesses. Where did your fears show up? Where did you find yourself sabotaging? Where did you find yourself being really effective? What can you do to fill yourself up with joy, love, peace, laughter? If he does decide to connect again, you will be MUCH more attractive to him if he knows you spent your time apart living your life to your fullest. This is the time to deeply get to know yourself as a single person and as a partner. Then when it’s time to connect again, you will be more clear about how you want to proceed forward. Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
That’s too bad that Robin feels he needs to not talk to you ever. It’s quite childlike to not even respond to the things that you have messaged him about. It’s a good thing it ended, as he would be a horrible person during stressful times. You would be left all alone! Yuk!
That’s funny that Dean showed up on Christian Cafe. At the very least, you guys have some things in common, being single, Christian and looking! There’s a lot to talk about already with him!
No plans for Christmas. My mom lives one building over in our condo complex, so we will just hangout per usual. Nothing special. You will be spending Christmas where you are currently at, yes? Why not line up some Christmas movies, make an incredible meal, go for a walk, message several people you love and enjoy some sparkling cider? That sounds like a nice day!
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
Yes…therapists are VERY busy these days. That’s great news because people are reaching out for help. We all need it right now! I’m so glad you are able to use the service as well. It’s great timing for you!
I’m happy to have helped in some sort of way. Learning about men and relationships and love is a limitless journey and I’m happy to have shared the journey with you! I wish you TONS of healing, clarity and joy to come back into your life. We are always here to help however we can!
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I’m sorry you have had to endure such a challenging life. I get it. We all need reminders every once in awhile about who we truly are and what we have within in to master whatever shows up. There will always be much to learn…but at the core of who you are Rose…you are enough and you are more than the pain, the fear, the traumas. You are resilient. You are powerful. You are strong.
I know the intensity of love can be very scary, especially when it is not returned to the same level. One thing I have learned on my path, is that loving someone else is truly and most authentically loving myself. Instead of being afraid of the love you have for Dave, why not use it to your advantage? Love is powerful, transformative and healing. Turn that love you have for him and direct it towards yourself as well. Get to know it…fears and all. Dissect it, understand it, experiment with it….it’s a beautiful and VERY powerful thing you feeling, so embrace it and empower yourself with it instead of being afraid of it.
Thoughts?
Hi Theresa,
You are asking some really great questions. I’m going to just be very blunt and honest here and hopefully that is okay. I believe that when we are able to connect to the deeper, core truths, we are able to create movement forward.
It seems that you are wanting HIM to behave in a certain way (stop hiding you from his ex and daughter) so you can feel okay about the relationship. It is COMPLETELY possible for you to feel okay about the relationship, even if he doesn’t do that. I can completely understand his need and desire to keep the peace while he is making things official with his divorce. Of course he has A LOT to work through still and he is dealing with a lot of his fears. One, of many fears, is causing more chaos by involving you in the equation. When someone has a PILE of fears, failures, disappointments, hurt etc. the most they can do is just little bits at a time. The truth is, he is doing the very best he knows how. He believes it’s best to keep you separate from them for right now. Your response and your need to push is basically telling him that you do not trust his process and you do not trust how he deals with his life. This lack of trust in him and the feeling you carry about being “rejected” or “hidden” lives in you. Who has treated you like this before? It sounds like his choices to “hide” you is triggering something in you from your past that hasn’t been completely resolved yet. Thoughts on this?
The reality is, you have chosen to step into a very tricky situation. You have chosen to hook up with a guy who hasn’t completed his divorce yet, which means he still has a lot inside of him that has to be dealt with. It’s very possible you are a rebound for him. The thing is, no one really knows that until time runs its course. The truth is, he is not fully and completely emotionally available for you right now – no one would be who is going through a divorce. Is it possible for you to be okay with that? I think he is giving everything he has to you and if that is not enough for you right now, then maybe it’s time for you to re-evaluate your choice. You pushing him over and over and over again, is only going to cause him to want to go the other way. Why not experiment? How about you let go of your need for him to involve you more in his life. Stop the pressure and see what happens. Most guys will end up stepping closer and many times, they will do EXACTLY what you want because the pressure is off. It’s IMPORTANT for him to make this choice for himself and not for you. So if you give him space, the time and trust him in his journey and how he NEEDS to handle things….a whole new world could open up. So you could say something like, “I know I have been pressuring you about this, but I want you to know it’s time for me to stop that. I am going to choose to trust you to do what you feel is best. Honestly, I don’t know what it feels like to be in your situation. So it’s time for me to just let go of my agenda and just be with you. The truth is, my fear and need to control has been running the show, but I don’t want that anymore. What I deeply want, is to just be with you. I am so grateful you are in my life, so I’m going to just focus on that. I’m going to focus on the fact that I get to have this amazing man to spend time with and get to know. I would rather spend my time laughing with you, learning all your small intricate quirks, holding your hand, making love to you and just being. Whatever happens, is what happens. It’s time for me to stop trying to control you and “us.” I am a work in progress and cannot promise that I won’t have feelings come up about it again, so I just ask for your patience. Know that I am working on it the very best way I know how.”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
I know what that feels like….you actually described it in such a perfect way….currently feel in a deep hole and dirt is being shoveled into the hole. It’s such an awful feeling and it is a powerless feeling. You are doing a great job by journaling and just letting the emotions come out. Better they come out and be expressed than staying stuck inside. You are more than your emotions Bonnie. You are more than the anxiety, you are more than the depression, you are more than the tears, you are more than the suffering. You are sooooooo much more!
Letting your ex go, is going to be a process. He is the only one in your life you have felt safe with, that you have opened up to, that accepts you for who you are and that has stayed connected with you over the years. Letting him go is so much more than just getting over and ex. It means saying goodbye to the best and only experience you have had with love. I am here as support, of course. I also am very limited with how I can help you get over him. The most I can offer are ideas, but the therapist hopefully will be able to help you start to stabilize. Once you stabilize, start to sleep and start to feel like you are out of that hole, then you will be able to approach really working on a healthier design with your ex. I think right now, your focus needs to just be on yourself and figuring out how to keep fighting for yourself.
I understand your need and desire to analyze their relationship. Yes, I would agree that he is in fantasy land. It sounds like you have a clear picture about the path they are heading on. I know it’s REALLY hard to watch someone you deeply care about, choose something that is just going to muck up their life. You have to let him do that though. That’s part of his process and part of him learning. I’ve chosen MANY crappy experiences, even when I knew better ahead of time. I look back now and understand what my needs were at the time that were more important than staying out of a crappy situation. It’s part of life though, isn’t it? We all get to choose what we want to experience. For right now, he is happy. For right now, his fantasy is making him happy. Most likely it will all come crashing in on both of them and when it does, they will deal with it. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. I haven’t yet come across a person who decides to step out of connecting with someone that makes them feel good. I too, just like you, have seen and predicted the HUGE mess being walked into and tried to warn them. I do it here, on this forum, all of the time too. I try to warn people about what they are stepping into and the pain they are causing themselves, but truth is, a person’s need to connect is much stronger than their desire to avoid the “crash.” And that’s where your guy is at in the moment. His need to connect and how good it feels is feeding his fantasy and it’s waaaaay strong and will override any common sense or dysfunction that he is stepping into. Does this make sense?
Heidi
What? So Robin showed up on Zoosk? He showed up as a match? But he didn’t message you or anything right?
Did you message the guy on Silver Singles you are interested in talking with? If yes, what did he say?
I would not suggest to message those other guys who are looking at your profile daily. You NEED a guy who initiates with you. You NEED a guy who is inspired by you and has nothing stopping him from wanting to know you. Whatever these guys’ reasons are for not reaching out to you even though they are looking at you daily, all it tells me is that there is something in them not ready or willing to reach out. That’s enough information to know, right? It’s enough to tell you something is stopping them, so I guess I would rather honor that than to try and reach out and get things going. At the same time, that’s who I am – I require the guy to initiate first – for many reasons….but maybe that is not how you want to handle it. Why not experiment and get sassy with one of them and see what happens? You have to be you and there sure as heck is nothing to lose.
Heidi
Hi Bonnie,
You have a lot happening for you. You have had a lot of challenging experiences in your life. AND…you somehow are still here, fighting for more in your life. You reached out to us and you are still wanting to learn. That makes you quite courageous and resilient.
If you believe that nothing is going to fix or change how you feel, then you get to believe that. Can you maybe choose a different belief though? Is it possible that there is a way out? Yes…there is. There always is. To my dying breath, I will always choose healing, forgiving and asking for more in my life. I WILL NOT let the people who caused me so much harm growing up, steal my joy now or in the future. Can you find something in you that wants to fight for your joy, despite other peoples’ choices? Listen….I have been in MANY dark places throughout my life. What I DO know is there is ALWAYS a way out. I ask for help, I get myself into therapy ASAP, I bombard my mind, my hearing, my site with positive things and I fight for my life….sometimes one breath at a time. Each and every time, I get back up and keep moving forward. Each and every time I do that, I get more pieces of myself, I connect to deeper truths and I release more baggage. Now…I know how to catch it much sooner than later and I don’t allow myself to sink anymore. I IMMEDIATELY start to do my techniques, I schedule sessions with my Coach, I start working on forgiveness and I end up popping right back into my joy much sooner now. All that you are feeling, can be transformed. All that you are experiencing can shift.
I wish there were something we could do for you here. Have you ever tried EMDR? Hypnotherapy? Brainspotting? NAD?
Maybe check out these sites: These are all people that have amazing books, products, methods for self-healing in various ways.
https://drjoedispenza.com/collections/
https://www.greggbraden.com/
https://www.debbieford.com/I’m glad you are meeting with a therapist soon. Hopefully, they will be able to guide you through all that you are dealing with! When is your appointment?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I’m a bit confused. It sounds like you are not very clear if you even want to go on another date with him. Are you clear that you for sure want to get to know him more?
As far as him, what is making you think he is interested? Are you guys flirting with each other? Is he initiating contact with you at all since your first date?
It’s really hard to know someone through technology. It’s inevitable to build a fantasy about who you think they are and then you meet in person. Many times, it’s a completely different experience than what you imagine. Is this what it feels like happened from your experience?
More details are helpful so we can better guide you.
Heidi
