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Hi Donna,
Oooooh I’m so sorry you are going through this! It’s awful!!! It’s shocking, it’s heartbreaking and I understand you feeling like a fool.
There are a lot of layers to cheating. I won’t get into all of them right now. Let’s just start here:
First, EVERYONE is capable of cheating. I have no doubt that in the moment he said to you “I have more integrity than that” he really meant it and felt that was true about himself. What most likely made him capable of breaking his integrity for a short period of time, is the perfect mixture of stress and chemistry. A woman comes along and makes him feel like he is the most amazing thing in the world. She makes him feel wanted, she makes him feel like a man, she takes him out of his pain….who would say no to that??? To say no to pleasure in the middle of a lot of pain, frustration or whatever stress lives there…is very hard to do….not impossible….but very hard to do. He found himself saying yes. My guess is, he was just saying yes to pleasure and avoiding the pain. My guess is, it has nothing to do with you. This is a very common scenario for men who have short flings. I”m not saying it’s his, but it may be a place to start exploring inside himself. My biggest concern here is that his answer is “I don’t know why I did what I did.” That’s not an answer to just take lightly and move on from. He wants you not to talk about it so HE doesn’t have to feel bad. EVERYTHING he is showing you here is that he is someone who avoids dealing with his emotions. He runs the other way and wants to ignore them. It’s most likely why he cheated. It’s how he is dealing with the consequences. He is NOT truly facing any of this and he is okay with “not knowing” why he did what he did. What this means is, the potential for him cheating again is pretty high. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he has cheated before this last time. He most likely cheated on his ex a couple of times. Even if he hasn’t, it doesn’t change he is NOT willing to do the work to really face what’s going on inside of him. He would rather run from and avoid his problems/feelings instead of face them head on deal with them. So your challenge here is…deciding whether or not this is the kind of guy you want close to your heart. I always teach people that when you choose to let someone very close into your life, you choose them NOT according to the good stuff and how they make you feel, you choose them according to their worst. You look at who that person is in their worst moments. How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves and others? What do they do about their stress? If the answer to those questions is something you can respect, honor and feel safe with…THEN that person can be invited into the very sacred parts of your heart. If you cannot feel safe, respect or honor how they deal with stress, then you are looking at a relationship that is going to be very challenging, regardless of how good everything else is.
The last thing I want to encourage you to do, is to deal with your own hurt. You keep wanting him to fix the hurt you feel inside by hoping he will say or do something to help build trust. Trust, first and most importantly, begins with yourself. Here is the reality. He absolutely could cheat again. He can say until he is blue in the face, that he will never do that again. It’s true only for that moment and that’s about it. AND…that is true about you as well. People CANNOT promise anything, as life throws curve balls all the time and people end up changing. So trusting HIM to not cheat again…is a moot point. Instead, trust yourself. Here is what that looks like, “I trust that even if he were to cheat again, I will be okay. I know I will hurt, but I also know I can work through that hurt. I will learn what I need to learn from it, I will become stronger and more aware because of it and I will get back up on my feet and I will be okay. I will love again.” Trust in yourself that you can handle whatever shows up in your life. It’s the only way to risk. Love is a risk. Relationships are a risk. How do we move forward??? By trusting ourselves that we have our own ways of handling stress, in a healthy way and becoming stronger and more resilient BECAUSE of the stress. Does this make sense?
As far as what you want to text him, I would not suggest it until you are VERY CLEAR about what you want from him. Maybe a place to start is, “If you want to build trust back up with me, your “I don’t know why I did it” answer needs to shift. All that tells me is that you are not connected to why you sabotaged our relationship. As long as you are not connected to that, it just means you are capable of doing it again and I won’t participate in that. When you come up with a real answer, then I am open to talking about it.” This can at least get the ball rolling and hold him accountable to his actions. If he is not even willing to go there, then that is information you need to know about him.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
What happened??? I’m wondering if you guys talked and he finally was honest or something. Don’t give up on love and men. You are shutting down and that is giving him all your power. You really want to close off your heart because of him??? Work through whatever has happened. We are here to help and listen, so let it all out.
Heidi
Hi Nakysha,
Welcome to the forum! I totally get why you are confused. I’m glad you are starting to get frustrated, as that is important for you to pay attention to. He might be an “out of site, out of mind” kind of guy. I have experienced that and have coached women through that MANY times. It’s soooooo confusing because when they do connect, it’s strong and gives the illusion that they really, truly, deeply care. But when they are away from you, you don’t exist. There are many reason why this behavior exists in men, or women for that matter, but they really don’t matter. What matters is that you have enough information to know that he is NOT initiating with you. He is not chasing you, he is not trying to build anything with you. He says all the right words when he does connect, but isn’t following through on any of it. Yuk!!! That doesn’t feel good for you!
Being that you already gave away your treasure, the only way to turn that ship around is to pull away. You want to behave in a way that shows him you have a lot of self-respect and a lot of love for yourself. Meaning, you respect yourself soooo much that you will not continue to be treated in this way. You have standards. Own the fact that you had sex and it was amazing and you have no regrets AND that if he wishes to continue to connect, he is gonna have to step up. That means you stop texting him. When you give in, you are just teaching him that “Yes, you can continue to ignore me. I allow you to keep me hanging on a string. I allow you to not value or respect what I have to offer you.” You have to love and respect yourself MORE THAN your desire to connect with him. That’s how you stop texting. And even when he does reach out at some point, you don’t respond right away. You give it a day or two. You need to have the mindset of “This was a great experience and it’s time to move on. I will go live my life and not wait around for this guy.” That type of mindset is what men chase…men are very attracted to a woman who doesn’t put up with their crap. Men love women who have a lot of self respect and who have standards as to how they are treated. Those women hold themselves differently, they command healthy attention and they have a confidence that emanates from them. If this guy doesn’t end up appreciating that about you, then he isn’t the guy for you anyway, right?
Heidi
Hi Tera,
It sounds like it’s a really good time to start learning and growing again. Whenever our triggers get activated, they are telling us “Hey! Pay attention to me. It’s time you face this!” That’s the gift your guy is giving you. As he is distant, he is triggering you and causing all kind of old crap to come up, from even before your ex-husband. It’s ready to be released. It’s uncomfortable and feels awful for a reason….so you DO something about it!
To start with journaling, why no do some free writing. You can set a timer if you want, or not…it’s up to you. But all you do is brain dumping. You just free flow write whatever you feel like writing….with no judgment. You mind find you skip subjects a lot, you might find you get really passionate about something, you might find that your mind goes blank – so you write the thoughts that come up about your mind going blank like “I don’t know what to write now and my mind went completely blank. It’s so frustrating that when I actually sit down to try this, I can’t do it…..” Free writing is literally writing down every single thought that comes to your mind, without filtering it. You will be surprised at what comes out!!! It’s a great way to just let it all out and get to know yourself. If you want to do it online http://www.penzu.com is a great journal. I know I type waaaaay faster than I write, so having an online journal for certain things is helpful for me. I also have physical journals that I write in as well.
There is also nothing wrong with just checking in with him about how he is feeling. You want to make sure you are coming across as curious vs. worried, concerned or insecure. You can say something like, “Hey….you’ve pulled away more in the past few weeks. I know you have a ton going on with work and I imagine you might feel more stressed. Is there anything I can do to support you better?” You might get some good info…who knows.
Heidi
This is great!!! I really love it!
I’m looking to make memories…. What about you? Memories like volunteering together, praying together, BBQs, hot tubbing under starry skies, dancing barefoot around the living room, chasing each other around the bedroom. How about kayak trips, hiking, snowshoeing, an evening snuggled up in front of a campfire listening to the loons laugh and the elk bugle. There are so many other ways to make memories that I’m waiting to share with someone. If these seem like fun memories you’d also like to make, I’m waiting to hear from you. I would just change the last 2 sentences. You don’t want to be “waiting.” A woman “waiting” for a man is a woman who is completed by a man. Healthy men are not attracted to that. So what would be another way you could say the same thing?
Maybe try some essential oils for your respiratory?? I love “respire” from essential oil wizardry. It helped me a TON during the fires. Maybe it can help you.
Heidi
How about you share them with us! We would love to hear about your vision!!! Give us the details 🙂
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
You have a lot to process. I’ve gained a lot of perspective this week and want to nourish my safety and prioritize myself especially now without relying on someone to save me Well said!!! How about sharing exactly how you are going to nourish your safety and prioritize yourself. Let’s have a conversation around this and help you build a solid way of daily living!
It’s good to be picky! It’s good to be discerning. It’s part of protecting yourself, your energy output and your balance. It’s quite powerful when someone does catch your attention though, right??
I’m glad you have so much happening in your life right now. It’s all really good stuff and things that will support you long term. You really are on a good path Marilyn!!!
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
There are a TON of self-help books. Just ask for the books to come towards you and they will show up somehow! The one I would recommend is by Michaela Boehm. Here’s her book: https://www.amazon.com/The-Wild-Womans-Way-audiobook/dp/B07D9VDJM4/ref=sr_1_2?crid=GIUZDBVL0DRB&dchild=1&keywords=michaela+boehm&qid=1608092429&sprefix=michaela+boeh%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-2
Here is the interesting thing about people. Love is quite the trigger. You said: Hurting me also goes against everything else I know about him. He is very selfless. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a person treat everyone (work, family, friends) completely different than their lover. It’s because romantic love triggers something very different in people that no one else can trigger. Romantic love is one of the biggest risks. It’s scary, it’s deep, it’s unpredictable. So he may be wonderful and selfless with everyone else, but it doesn’t mean that is how he treats women romantically. I’m realizing that it seems he thinks he is not worthy of being treated the same. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve love or something like that. So I am the collateral damage. This is very possible as most people end up feeling low self esteem and unlovable at some point when romantic love reaches a certain point. It doesn’t matter though. Whatever it is that he is feeling, it is what it is. His actions are giving you enough information to know that he is not a person you want in your deep, inner circle…end of story. So it’s time to move on. No need to spend time on analyzing anything. That’s just a distraction. Let yourself feel the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the hurt and work with it and then release it. That’s your focus for right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
The thing is, since you guys are texting normally, there isn’t really much for him to chase. He needs to feel the loss of you, if he is going to make the effort. If the loss of you doesn’t trigger him seeking you out, then that’s good information for you to know, right?
Are you guys flirting at all? Do you have any sense at all that he still has attraction for you or would be interested in trying again? When you say you text normally, what does that mean? How frequent? What do you guys talk about?
Heidi
Hi Amal,
Here is the thing. He is NOT your friend. Your heart is so deeply involved with him, and he yours, yet you guys are not in a relationship because something is stopping him. You don’t treat him like a friend, your heart doesn’t interact with him like a friend…every thought, decision and feeling is revolved around him, yes??? This is NOT a friendship. Yes, friendship is part of it, but you are so much more involved with him, in your heart and mind, above and beyond friendship. Again…you are making something real that isn’t real.
I don’t know how to move on without losing him as a friend. And he’s worth too much to lose. He’s been such a great friend to me all this time. He takes care of me like no one else and is always there for me. You want to get grounded in reality? I’m so sorry to say this, but the only way is through. You need to break up with him in your mind and in your heart. That means you have to face the pain, feel it and go through it like any person would when there is a breakup. It’s the only way to let your heart heal. There is NO WAY for your heart to heal as long you are still involved with him. There is no way you will ever be available for another man as long as you are involved with him the way you are. You cannot try and turn him into a “friend” by staying in a relationship with him. It’s not possible and you already know that. You have already tried. It’s because the heart wants what it wants and you can’t fool it into feeling something that isn’t there. That’s why you have to completely separate. Find your life separate from him. Feel who you are without him. Develop a new life and new habits that he is not part of. It’s gonna hurt like crazy for sure in the beginning, but then you find yourself. You will re-connect with yourself. You will crave him less and less and then you will be grounded in reality. Then you will be available for other experiences. Then…maybe you guys can be real friends and have a more balanced appropriate relationship.
Here is the thing….if you break up, there is an end to the pain. There is closure and there are no adventures waiting for you. If you keep going in the direction you are, there is no end, there are no new possibilities, there is no closure and you will just continue to be tortured on a daily basis. Path #1 is REALLY hard in the beginning but then get better. Path #2 is hard and always will be hard and at some point, something will change (most likely from his side of things) and you will have to separate from him, but in a much more painful way. It’s your choice what you want to go through. You say he is worth too much to lose, but that means you are making him way more important than you. You are valuing him more than yourself. You are making this fantasy more important than the damage it is causing your heart. And you get to make that choice. You could play the “what if” game for years and never get anywhere. You can hope forever that he will all of a sudden have feelings for you…and you could never be open to having another love come into your life. You need to connect to what is true today. What is true is that is not willing to move forward with you into a relationship. Period. So how long are you going to continue on this path? How long are you willing to wait? How long are you going to let this fantasy determine your entire life?
Again, you get to choose whichever path you want to stay on Amal. Either path is going to bring great pain. Path #1 of saying goodbye has a limited amount of pain to be followed by healing and new possibilities. Path #2 of staying in this fantasy will bring you pain every single day until at some point, your “friendship” changes and then you will have even more pain to deal with not only the loss of him, but also any hurt from the situation that caused the change.
Lastly, movement is GOOD. Like I said previously, you never know. Just because you breakup and start the movement forward of healing, doesn’t mean that he won’t end up back into your life. He may come chasing after you! Who knows! What you DO know is that where you guys are at now, it’s NOT working.
I’m so sorry for your situation. It’s awful. You are having to face 2 paths that have a lot of pain in them. IT’s not an easy or simple choice. It’s a crazy hard choice! Either path you will take, there will be many lessons for your, many gifts, many challenges, so either path, you will be okay and figure it all out somehow. Life always forces us into figuring things out, whether we want to or are ready to, or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yes! There are soooooo many stories that I know where positive results were false positives.
Wow…Dean is a lucky guy to always have the ladies chasing after him lol. I’m glad you are not chasing. You did exactly right! Give him the signals that you are interested and then leave the rest up to him. Hopefully your messaging on Zoosk brought some good entertainment into your evening!
Heidi
Hi Tera,
Welcome! I understand why you would be confused. Men experience their jobs and life sooooo much differently than women and many times, our differences can hurt each other. My guess is, this big promotion is causing his brain to really get scrambled. Meaning, he has a lot to think about and to figure out. A promotion means his day is going to change, his life is going to change, his mindset is going to change. Even though it’s a fantastic thing, it also can be stressful. Most women respond to something like that by becoming closer to their partner. We LOOOOVE to connect and we love to involve our partners in everything. That’s why we are the relationship caretakers. For men, they tend to go more into a cave. They will withdrawal and go inside and figure it out that way. This is generally speaking of course. That may be what he is doing. So as his partner, what you do is let him be in his cave. You bring him food and just place it at the entrance of his cave, so he knows you are still there and so he feels supported. This will help him more than you know. He will come out when he is ready so until then, keep living your life and trust his process. When he comes out, he will share with you. Does this make sense to you?
So how does that look in real life? It means to keep giving him space…give it a little more time before you start to get concerned. It’s only been 3 days. He has A LOT to adjust to. If this pattern continues over the next month, then it would be good to communicate how you are feeling. But for now, you can keep texting him like you have been so he knows you are still there. Send him funny videos, be light, be appreciative. You can say things like “You have done such a great job to earn this promotion and it just makes me so happy for what you have accomplished.” “Just thinking about you and sending you good vibes right now :)” Remember that as he is at work, he is in a very specific mindset and not thinking relationally. Men are like that. Women…we are just built different. We are ALWAYS thinking about relationships and we are always available to connect. So just make sure you don’t over text. Little bits here and there that don’t completely pull him out of his work mindset is good. It also makes sense that he doesn’t want to text when he has been on the phone all day. It’s technology overload.
How does what I’m saying feel for you?
Heidi
Good job Rose! All the work you have done on yourself is paying off! I know how hard it is to swim in the darkest places of yourself. However, it does create a strength and resilience that you cannot get anywhere else. Only trauma can offer that kind of strength and resilience. It makes you quite unique. Most people don’t dive in that deep, because of how scary it is. You did though! And you always will, because it’s who you are!
You said: I do know that I will never be completely free from the trauma of my past… I’m going to invite you to think about it a bit differently. Every person on the face of this planet will have good and bad days. It’s just being human. I do believe however, that freedom from trauma does not mean that it doesn’t affect us from time to time, it just means that we change the story around the trauma. There is freedom when you say “My past and my life is here to serve me. Life is happening FOR me and through me, not to me.” Freedom means that you have control over your past vs. your past having control over you. Freedom means that although you have fear, you move through it vs. avoid it. Freedom means that you are guided by truth instead of fear. Freedom means that you choose what you want for your life – regardless of what happened in the past. I learned loooong ago that there are 2 aspects of a healthy person. 1. When they are triggered, they have the skill set, the help and drive to heal and release and then move on. 2. They have cleared enough of their baggage that they are able to get back up onto their feet and connect to truth, farely quickly. I know for me, I used to be in triggers for quite awhile, but now I am able to release them so fast! It sounds like that’s what you are doing and that you have already arrived at being the kind of person you want to be. I hope you can give yourself that credit! Allow yourself to rest instead of using trauma to keep you motivated for growth. How about just resting in the peace and allowing that to help you grow. You are full and complete and whole…just as you are.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I love that you said this: Having a crush has always been magical in hard times. That’s soooo true! Many people don’t even realize how much of what they feel is actually not what is sustainable. The feelings come out because of the hard times as a survival mechanism vs. coming from a place of clarity. It’s called trauma bonding. I’m not saying this is what your experience is, I’m just commenting on your statement. I have had soooo many crushes during hard times in my life. I finally recognized the pattern when I was younger and was fascinated by how my subconscious was just trying to get help me through the challenges. The subconscious is a mysterious, powerful and very creative place!!!
I love your approach. I love that you feel okay just “being” right now. You will know what you feel like doing when it’s time. Until then, love on yourself. Well done!
Heidi
Hi Amal,
Oh goodness. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Unrequited love is awful! It’s torturous. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!
I’m going to say exactly what you don’t want to here though. This is not about you becoming different, saying something, doing something in order to get him to feel what you want him to feel. You are not in a relationship with him, yet you have completely given him your heart, your time, your energy, your everything. He is not giving the same in return and he is being honest that he just doesn’t feel that way. He either has a REALLY big block that is preventing him from accessing his heart deeply, or he truly just doesn’t feel that way. What is his relationship with his parents like? What was his childhood like? What is his relationship history like? Whatever the reason is, it’s just something you have to honor.
I know you don’t want to go out with anyone else. It might be good for you though. You are allowing yourself to live in a fantasy. He is not your boyfriend, yet you are living as if he is. He has your heart, as if he is your forever person. Your relationship with him will only last so long. He, most likely, will end up changing the relationship when he meets another woman who does make him feel like he wants to be with her. It will feel awful for you to have to go through that. You will feel cheated on, your heart will break…your whole world will turn upside down. That is the direction you are heading in.
You can take control of your path by really fighting for yourself to step away from him and allow yourself to heal without all the extra crap that would be there when he dates other women. Go on dates yourself…just to get different perspectives and experiences. Start to practice grounding yourself in reality that he is not your guy and align your behaviors with that. I know it’s an awful thought. I know it’s painful. I know it is the last thing you want to hear. You are already in pain though. It’s painful and torturous to be with him all the time and have a very intimate relationship with him, without being truly intimate because he won’t go there. You are constantly bumping up against a wall. That’s awful too.
Who knows what will happen though. When you finally decide to move on in your life and pull your heart back from him, it actually may trigger something in him to chase you. I actually have had a few of those kinds of moments in my life. I remember one guy, I liked him first (for months), but he didn’t like me. I finally accepted that and moved on. About a month later, he started chasing me. The problem was, I had already moved on and my feelings were just not there anymore. I tried hard to like him in that way, but it just wasn’t there. We were best friends for about a year. He had feelings for me that whole time! Then one day, I remember the exact moment, my feelings showed up again. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about a year. I believe that part of what allowed this to happen the way it did, is we both still lived our lives. Even though he liked me for all that time, he still went on dates and he still lived his life and was very grounded in the reality that I was not available for him. I did the same thing when I first liked him. I still went on dates and I still lived my life. Was it easy? Heck no! It was hard, but because neither of us stopped our lives waiting for each other, there was a lot of movement and growth. As long as you both stay in this very unhealthy pattern of being intimate (more than friends) and behaving like boyfriend/girlfriend in many ways, but your not…nothing is going to change. You guys are in a holding pattern, going nowhere. So it’s very possible that when you mix things up and shift what it means to be friends, it creates movement and growth in some sort of way. It’s possible that the growth is more together than apart! Wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s possible that growth will be apart…and although that wouldn’t be your choice, it will create movement, change and you will be on your way to healing and making yourself available to a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to be with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
