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Hi Vino,
Just checking in. I’m hoping everything is going smoothly for you. How’s your son? How are the holidays treating you? What’s going on for you right now?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
How are you doing? Any updates? What’s happened with your situation? How are you feeling???
Heidi
Hi Nakysha,
Just checking in on you. Have you decided what you are going to do? How are you feeling about your situation?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
Just checking in on you. What’s happening? Have you talked to him more? Have you officially ended things? I know you are deeply hurting. Keep talking to us about it. That’s why we are here. We can help you work through it.
Heidi
Hi Donna,
I wanted to explain something that may better help you understand some of what is going on for him and even learn how to recognize it in yourself. It’s called the “upper limit.” We all have one. It’s the limit to how happy we will allow ourselves to be. What determines the limit usually lives in the subconscious for most people and is directly tied to how much low self esteem someone has and the limiting beliefs they carry about themselves in relation to others and life. Basically, you know when you or someone else is reaching their upper limit when sabotage starts to enter the picture. For me, I have a tendency to start to criticize more and be more judgmental/bossy. That’s just one of the things I tend towards when I am sabotaging. For other people, it might be cheating, it might be picking more fights, it might be distancing, it might be that their feelings start to go away, it might be hiding and becoming a “yes” person….the list goes on. When someone sabotages connection, no matter the reason, you know they have reached their limit to how happy they will allow themselves to be. It’s a strange concept that we all ruin our happiness, but it comes from a subconscious place and it makes complete sense if you understand that it’s the low self esteem that is determining the limit, not the high self esteem. This is a very basic description of a very dynamic concept, but you can maybe start to see it in yourself and maybe it will help you understand him a little better as well.
So what are your next steps? What are you specifically wanting from him?
Heidi
Hi Donna,
Oooooh I’m so sorry you are going through this! It’s awful!!! It’s shocking, it’s heartbreaking and I understand you feeling like a fool.
There are a lot of layers to cheating. I won’t get into all of them right now. Let’s just start here:
First, EVERYONE is capable of cheating. I have no doubt that in the moment he said to you “I have more integrity than that” he really meant it and felt that was true about himself. What most likely made him capable of breaking his integrity for a short period of time, is the perfect mixture of stress and chemistry. A woman comes along and makes him feel like he is the most amazing thing in the world. She makes him feel wanted, she makes him feel like a man, she takes him out of his pain….who would say no to that??? To say no to pleasure in the middle of a lot of pain, frustration or whatever stress lives there…is very hard to do….not impossible….but very hard to do. He found himself saying yes. My guess is, he was just saying yes to pleasure and avoiding the pain. My guess is, it has nothing to do with you. This is a very common scenario for men who have short flings. I”m not saying it’s his, but it may be a place to start exploring inside himself. My biggest concern here is that his answer is “I don’t know why I did what I did.” That’s not an answer to just take lightly and move on from. He wants you not to talk about it so HE doesn’t have to feel bad. EVERYTHING he is showing you here is that he is someone who avoids dealing with his emotions. He runs the other way and wants to ignore them. It’s most likely why he cheated. It’s how he is dealing with the consequences. He is NOT truly facing any of this and he is okay with “not knowing” why he did what he did. What this means is, the potential for him cheating again is pretty high. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he has cheated before this last time. He most likely cheated on his ex a couple of times. Even if he hasn’t, it doesn’t change he is NOT willing to do the work to really face what’s going on inside of him. He would rather run from and avoid his problems/feelings instead of face them head on deal with them. So your challenge here is…deciding whether or not this is the kind of guy you want close to your heart. I always teach people that when you choose to let someone very close into your life, you choose them NOT according to the good stuff and how they make you feel, you choose them according to their worst. You look at who that person is in their worst moments. How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves and others? What do they do about their stress? If the answer to those questions is something you can respect, honor and feel safe with…THEN that person can be invited into the very sacred parts of your heart. If you cannot feel safe, respect or honor how they deal with stress, then you are looking at a relationship that is going to be very challenging, regardless of how good everything else is.
The last thing I want to encourage you to do, is to deal with your own hurt. You keep wanting him to fix the hurt you feel inside by hoping he will say or do something to help build trust. Trust, first and most importantly, begins with yourself. Here is the reality. He absolutely could cheat again. He can say until he is blue in the face, that he will never do that again. It’s true only for that moment and that’s about it. AND…that is true about you as well. People CANNOT promise anything, as life throws curve balls all the time and people end up changing. So trusting HIM to not cheat again…is a moot point. Instead, trust yourself. Here is what that looks like, “I trust that even if he were to cheat again, I will be okay. I know I will hurt, but I also know I can work through that hurt. I will learn what I need to learn from it, I will become stronger and more aware because of it and I will get back up on my feet and I will be okay. I will love again.” Trust in yourself that you can handle whatever shows up in your life. It’s the only way to risk. Love is a risk. Relationships are a risk. How do we move forward??? By trusting ourselves that we have our own ways of handling stress, in a healthy way and becoming stronger and more resilient BECAUSE of the stress. Does this make sense?
As far as what you want to text him, I would not suggest it until you are VERY CLEAR about what you want from him. Maybe a place to start is, “If you want to build trust back up with me, your “I don’t know why I did it” answer needs to shift. All that tells me is that you are not connected to why you sabotaged our relationship. As long as you are not connected to that, it just means you are capable of doing it again and I won’t participate in that. When you come up with a real answer, then I am open to talking about it.” This can at least get the ball rolling and hold him accountable to his actions. If he is not even willing to go there, then that is information you need to know about him.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
What happened??? I’m wondering if you guys talked and he finally was honest or something. Don’t give up on love and men. You are shutting down and that is giving him all your power. You really want to close off your heart because of him??? Work through whatever has happened. We are here to help and listen, so let it all out.
Heidi
Hi Nakysha,
Welcome to the forum! I totally get why you are confused. I’m glad you are starting to get frustrated, as that is important for you to pay attention to. He might be an “out of site, out of mind” kind of guy. I have experienced that and have coached women through that MANY times. It’s soooooo confusing because when they do connect, it’s strong and gives the illusion that they really, truly, deeply care. But when they are away from you, you don’t exist. There are many reason why this behavior exists in men, or women for that matter, but they really don’t matter. What matters is that you have enough information to know that he is NOT initiating with you. He is not chasing you, he is not trying to build anything with you. He says all the right words when he does connect, but isn’t following through on any of it. Yuk!!! That doesn’t feel good for you!
Being that you already gave away your treasure, the only way to turn that ship around is to pull away. You want to behave in a way that shows him you have a lot of self-respect and a lot of love for yourself. Meaning, you respect yourself soooo much that you will not continue to be treated in this way. You have standards. Own the fact that you had sex and it was amazing and you have no regrets AND that if he wishes to continue to connect, he is gonna have to step up. That means you stop texting him. When you give in, you are just teaching him that “Yes, you can continue to ignore me. I allow you to keep me hanging on a string. I allow you to not value or respect what I have to offer you.” You have to love and respect yourself MORE THAN your desire to connect with him. That’s how you stop texting. And even when he does reach out at some point, you don’t respond right away. You give it a day or two. You need to have the mindset of “This was a great experience and it’s time to move on. I will go live my life and not wait around for this guy.” That type of mindset is what men chase…men are very attracted to a woman who doesn’t put up with their crap. Men love women who have a lot of self respect and who have standards as to how they are treated. Those women hold themselves differently, they command healthy attention and they have a confidence that emanates from them. If this guy doesn’t end up appreciating that about you, then he isn’t the guy for you anyway, right?
Heidi
Hi Tera,
It sounds like it’s a really good time to start learning and growing again. Whenever our triggers get activated, they are telling us “Hey! Pay attention to me. It’s time you face this!” That’s the gift your guy is giving you. As he is distant, he is triggering you and causing all kind of old crap to come up, from even before your ex-husband. It’s ready to be released. It’s uncomfortable and feels awful for a reason….so you DO something about it!
To start with journaling, why no do some free writing. You can set a timer if you want, or not…it’s up to you. But all you do is brain dumping. You just free flow write whatever you feel like writing….with no judgment. You mind find you skip subjects a lot, you might find you get really passionate about something, you might find that your mind goes blank – so you write the thoughts that come up about your mind going blank like “I don’t know what to write now and my mind went completely blank. It’s so frustrating that when I actually sit down to try this, I can’t do it…..” Free writing is literally writing down every single thought that comes to your mind, without filtering it. You will be surprised at what comes out!!! It’s a great way to just let it all out and get to know yourself. If you want to do it online http://www.penzu.com is a great journal. I know I type waaaaay faster than I write, so having an online journal for certain things is helpful for me. I also have physical journals that I write in as well.
There is also nothing wrong with just checking in with him about how he is feeling. You want to make sure you are coming across as curious vs. worried, concerned or insecure. You can say something like, “Hey….you’ve pulled away more in the past few weeks. I know you have a ton going on with work and I imagine you might feel more stressed. Is there anything I can do to support you better?” You might get some good info…who knows.
Heidi
This is great!!! I really love it!
I’m looking to make memories…. What about you? Memories like volunteering together, praying together, BBQs, hot tubbing under starry skies, dancing barefoot around the living room, chasing each other around the bedroom. How about kayak trips, hiking, snowshoeing, an evening snuggled up in front of a campfire listening to the loons laugh and the elk bugle. There are so many other ways to make memories that I’m waiting to share with someone. If these seem like fun memories you’d also like to make, I’m waiting to hear from you. I would just change the last 2 sentences. You don’t want to be “waiting.” A woman “waiting” for a man is a woman who is completed by a man. Healthy men are not attracted to that. So what would be another way you could say the same thing?
Maybe try some essential oils for your respiratory?? I love “respire” from essential oil wizardry. It helped me a TON during the fires. Maybe it can help you.
Heidi
How about you share them with us! We would love to hear about your vision!!! Give us the details 🙂
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
You have a lot to process. I’ve gained a lot of perspective this week and want to nourish my safety and prioritize myself especially now without relying on someone to save me Well said!!! How about sharing exactly how you are going to nourish your safety and prioritize yourself. Let’s have a conversation around this and help you build a solid way of daily living!
It’s good to be picky! It’s good to be discerning. It’s part of protecting yourself, your energy output and your balance. It’s quite powerful when someone does catch your attention though, right??
I’m glad you have so much happening in your life right now. It’s all really good stuff and things that will support you long term. You really are on a good path Marilyn!!!
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
There are a TON of self-help books. Just ask for the books to come towards you and they will show up somehow! The one I would recommend is by Michaela Boehm. Here’s her book: https://www.amazon.com/The-Wild-Womans-Way-audiobook/dp/B07D9VDJM4/ref=sr_1_2?crid=GIUZDBVL0DRB&dchild=1&keywords=michaela+boehm&qid=1608092429&sprefix=michaela+boeh%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-2
Here is the interesting thing about people. Love is quite the trigger. You said: Hurting me also goes against everything else I know about him. He is very selfless. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a person treat everyone (work, family, friends) completely different than their lover. It’s because romantic love triggers something very different in people that no one else can trigger. Romantic love is one of the biggest risks. It’s scary, it’s deep, it’s unpredictable. So he may be wonderful and selfless with everyone else, but it doesn’t mean that is how he treats women romantically. I’m realizing that it seems he thinks he is not worthy of being treated the same. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve love or something like that. So I am the collateral damage. This is very possible as most people end up feeling low self esteem and unlovable at some point when romantic love reaches a certain point. It doesn’t matter though. Whatever it is that he is feeling, it is what it is. His actions are giving you enough information to know that he is not a person you want in your deep, inner circle…end of story. So it’s time to move on. No need to spend time on analyzing anything. That’s just a distraction. Let yourself feel the hurt, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the hurt and work with it and then release it. That’s your focus for right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
The thing is, since you guys are texting normally, there isn’t really much for him to chase. He needs to feel the loss of you, if he is going to make the effort. If the loss of you doesn’t trigger him seeking you out, then that’s good information for you to know, right?
Are you guys flirting at all? Do you have any sense at all that he still has attraction for you or would be interested in trying again? When you say you text normally, what does that mean? How frequent? What do you guys talk about?
Heidi
Hi Amal,
Here is the thing. He is NOT your friend. Your heart is so deeply involved with him, and he yours, yet you guys are not in a relationship because something is stopping him. You don’t treat him like a friend, your heart doesn’t interact with him like a friend…every thought, decision and feeling is revolved around him, yes??? This is NOT a friendship. Yes, friendship is part of it, but you are so much more involved with him, in your heart and mind, above and beyond friendship. Again…you are making something real that isn’t real.
I don’t know how to move on without losing him as a friend. And he’s worth too much to lose. He’s been such a great friend to me all this time. He takes care of me like no one else and is always there for me. You want to get grounded in reality? I’m so sorry to say this, but the only way is through. You need to break up with him in your mind and in your heart. That means you have to face the pain, feel it and go through it like any person would when there is a breakup. It’s the only way to let your heart heal. There is NO WAY for your heart to heal as long you are still involved with him. There is no way you will ever be available for another man as long as you are involved with him the way you are. You cannot try and turn him into a “friend” by staying in a relationship with him. It’s not possible and you already know that. You have already tried. It’s because the heart wants what it wants and you can’t fool it into feeling something that isn’t there. That’s why you have to completely separate. Find your life separate from him. Feel who you are without him. Develop a new life and new habits that he is not part of. It’s gonna hurt like crazy for sure in the beginning, but then you find yourself. You will re-connect with yourself. You will crave him less and less and then you will be grounded in reality. Then you will be available for other experiences. Then…maybe you guys can be real friends and have a more balanced appropriate relationship.
Here is the thing….if you break up, there is an end to the pain. There is closure and there are no adventures waiting for you. If you keep going in the direction you are, there is no end, there are no new possibilities, there is no closure and you will just continue to be tortured on a daily basis. Path #1 is REALLY hard in the beginning but then get better. Path #2 is hard and always will be hard and at some point, something will change (most likely from his side of things) and you will have to separate from him, but in a much more painful way. It’s your choice what you want to go through. You say he is worth too much to lose, but that means you are making him way more important than you. You are valuing him more than yourself. You are making this fantasy more important than the damage it is causing your heart. And you get to make that choice. You could play the “what if” game for years and never get anywhere. You can hope forever that he will all of a sudden have feelings for you…and you could never be open to having another love come into your life. You need to connect to what is true today. What is true is that is not willing to move forward with you into a relationship. Period. So how long are you going to continue on this path? How long are you willing to wait? How long are you going to let this fantasy determine your entire life?
Again, you get to choose whichever path you want to stay on Amal. Either path is going to bring great pain. Path #1 of saying goodbye has a limited amount of pain to be followed by healing and new possibilities. Path #2 of staying in this fantasy will bring you pain every single day until at some point, your “friendship” changes and then you will have even more pain to deal with not only the loss of him, but also any hurt from the situation that caused the change.
Lastly, movement is GOOD. Like I said previously, you never know. Just because you breakup and start the movement forward of healing, doesn’t mean that he won’t end up back into your life. He may come chasing after you! Who knows! What you DO know is that where you guys are at now, it’s NOT working.
I’m so sorry for your situation. It’s awful. You are having to face 2 paths that have a lot of pain in them. IT’s not an easy or simple choice. It’s a crazy hard choice! Either path you will take, there will be many lessons for your, many gifts, many challenges, so either path, you will be okay and figure it all out somehow. Life always forces us into figuring things out, whether we want to or are ready to, or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
