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Hi Emilia,
Welcome! You are asking some great questions!!!
The most important thing is to talk to his “higher self.” Meaning, when he shares his struggles, you hold a vision of him that is hard for him to grab onto right now.
First, when he shares his feelings, DO NOT head into fixing anything. Here is the process that works:
1. Validate how he is feeling. “It’s scary what you are facing right now. I understand your concerns. I can see why you feel that way.”
2. Get curious. Ask him more questions about what he is feeling. “What the hardest part you are facing about this? Why? Are you worried about what people will think about you? Are you worried at all about what I will feel or think about you?”
3. Then VALIDATE AGAIN!!!
4. Talk to his higher self. “You are resilient and resourceful. I know what you are facing is quite scary. I also know that you are intelligent and you will figure out a way to get through this. You are smart, you are a good connector and you know how to make things happen. I believe that about you 100% so I know that you will work your way through this.
4. head into problem solving if needed. At this point, you can say “Would you like some ideas? What is the best way for me to support you right now?And then, in the small moments of the day, make sure you are offering small, sweet compliments every once in awhile. Let him know you appreciate him, let him know he matters in your life, let him know the specifics of how you value him.
Does this make sense? Is it helpful?
Heidi
I’m curious. What is stopping you from ending things with Russell in the sense of letting him know you aren’t interested? Don’t you want to be on the same page?
Heidi
I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like he would rather hold onto his hurt than to be connected. That’s not your fault. People use hurt as a coping mechanism to create distance. It’s a way to break intimacy and it’s a way to sabotage. He obviously is dealing with a great amount of fear and as frustrating as that is, it is something he needs to face within himself. He is showing you, by his choice to not forgive, that he has limitations in relationship. He is showing you that fear is pretty strong in his life and is running the show. There is no amount of trying to explain anything that changes that. He has reached his level of intimacy with you and is stopping things from going further. That makes me so sad when people make that choice. Unfortunately is not so uncommon. It’s how most people function in their lives.
Being that he has created a barrier between you guys, what does this mean for you? He is showing you who he is, so now what? Are you going to choose to stay and continue to try and connect? Are you feeling like maybe it’s time for things to come to an end? What’s going on for you?
Heidi
Hi Erica,
Welcome! I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The 12 word phrase is basically a simple phrase of activating his hero instinct by asking for his help with something.
How about you share about what happened and then we can offer some guidance for you. This phrase may not be appropriate, so we may offer some other ideas.
We’d love to hear your story if you feel like sharing.
Heidi
Sounds about right! You know, one of the best ways to shift the energy of an awkward moment is to call it out. Even saying, “man…this is so awkward isn’t it!” It can break the tension. Or you just starting out saying “Wow…I’m really nervous to say this, so please just be patient with me. It might get awkward, but oh well. We can laugh about it.” When you just call it out instead of ignore the awkwardness, it allows the space to work through it instead of staying stuck.
Most of all, before going into the conversation, it’s about you programming in your mind, your heart, your body SEVERAL TIMES a day, “I am loveable, worth knowing and worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t see me that way. I am resilient and resourceful and I will be okay no matter what happens.” Keep reminding yourself of the truth. Every time fear shows up, you say “I honor you. I understand the fear AND I’m going to do this anyway. I will be okay.”
Is this helpful at all?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It sounds like you are pretty clear about Russell. Are you sure you want to be friends? Even surface friends? It’s okay to cut ties completely. Remember, your energy and the connection you offer costs you. You want to make sure that whoever you send your energy out to and connect with, even on a surface level, that they are someone that is a good receiver and offers something in return as well. Russell might be the kind of guy that would be more draining than anything.
So have you told Russell that you feel complete and not interested in moving forward?
This is exciting that there really are jobs showing up that would allow you to work from home.
Heidi
Hi Tera,
I’m so glad to hear this is helpful for you! Navigating relationships is so tricky and you are one of the smart ones who reaches out for help with experts instead of just asking friends and family.
Let’s first talk about what you are wanting from him. Being that he is an alcoholic, he has A TON of feelings inside of him that he does not want to face. Old hurts, old anger, old resentment etc. It’s all big enough to cause him to feel the need to manage it with alcohol. AND…all that baggage is MUCH bigger than his heart energy. Meaning, he doesn’t have much access to his heart with all the junk he is carrying around. You should understand what that feels like, as you described being “numb” at the end of your last marriage. You feeling numb is a coping mechanism, because it wasn’t safe for you to feel. It’s the same for him. It’s not safe for him to feel vulnerable, open, love, connection. The anger he carries, the resentment he carries, the guilt and shame he carries all get in the way. So you wanting him to tell you he loves you is probably a looooong ways off. And even when he does, it probably will be just a small fraction. He has A LOT to work though and hopefully as he is going on this sober journey, he has a therapist or a group to help him slowly unravel all of what he is carrying inside. It takes a while. And….his focus and attention is going to be 100% on himself. What he is facing is HUGE and is going to take everything he’s got…so the relationship with you, will most likely suffer quite a bit. That’s why they always recommend people who are newbies on the sober path stay single. Your needs and wants may be asking more from him than what he has to offer right now.
Also asking him, or anyone for that matter, to commit to 100% being honest with you, is just unrealistic. We ALL lie, we ALL misdirect, we ALL keep some things private and don’t share. His answer was honest and his answer was more realistic to what you can expect. To me, what he said was he will do the very best he can, but he also is aware of parts of himself that are not so healthy, so it’s likely that he will lie, withhold and sabotage….so it sounds about right as to what you can expect from him.
You asked him to be honest with you, because deep down you are not feeling safe in the relationship. You were reaching for something that might help you feel more secure with him. Maybe it’s a good time to really address how you feel with him. Truth is, he is an emotionally unavailable guy. All addicts are until they become sober and know how to access their emotions. You came from an abusive marriage and hopped into a relationship with an addict. You definitely picked far better this time around, but still chose someone who isn’t emotionally available. So maybe it’s time for you to dive deeper into that part of yourself while he is diving deeper into his parts of himself. If you want to stay with this guy, it’s going to be a lot about supporting HIM on this journey so you need to make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. That’s why there are support groups for partners with alcoholics. It’s a super tough road to be on the receiving end! Maybe consider asking for help in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Whoa! To send a message saying “soon our eyes will meet” and then say his niece died of Covid…yikes!!! This guy is definitely someone you want to stay away from. He may be a scammer or just really messed up. Either way, I would suggest to stay away. He has provided you with enough evidence to know he is not someone you want to continue with, so DO NOT connect at all anymore.
You can simply say, “Hi Russell. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. I just want to be honest and create closure. I’m not interested in pursuing our connection any further. I wish you all the best. Take care.”
You seem to be very clear that he is not your person, so why leave the door open to him if he starts to chase you???
Thoughts?
Heidi
What great questions!!! It sounds like you guys are navigating the path really well so far. I love how much fun you all had during New Year’s. Those kind of events are so important. He needs to EXPERIENCE having fun while being sober. Well done for helping to create that for him!!!
You can ask for little things for help. For example, when you guys are together, maybe you are on the couch and you say “Honey, my feet are killing me. Would you mind rubbing them just for 2 minutes each?? You seriously would put me in heaven.” Then after he does it, make sure to REALLY appreciate him for it. Or you could ask for his opinion on something or advice about a challenge. Even if you have solved it or don’t need his opinion, do it anyways. Take those moments to learn about what his advice would be. Even though you don’t need, it’s still you learning about who he is and him getting to feel helpful in your life. You could ask him for ideas about presents, meals to cook, outfits you wear. They are all small and silly, but what it will do is generate a feeling of him being part of your life and him feeling like his opinion matters to you. Obviously you don’t want to bombard him with all that small stuff…just insert things here and there. See what he does with it. It’s all an experiment…so just see what works and doesn’t work and then go from there.
I think it would be a good thing to ask him to share how he feels about you when he is sober. It might be terrifying for him to be that vulnerable, but you can present it in a way that can feel non-threatening….hopefully. You could say something like, “You know what would just put the hugest smile on my face? I’ve never heard you express your thoughts about me while you were sober. You’ve said some amazing things to me under the influence though, so I know it’s in there. I understand it might be a bit scary for you. It’s not a deal-breaker or anything. I think you are amazing regardless. I just wanted to bring it to the forefront of your mind that if you ever want to put me on cloud 9, or if you want to have sex (smile when you say this part and be kind of flirty), then telling me some nice things you feel about me is the secret.” Then just leave it at that. It’s not putting him on the spot right then…it allows him time and space to let it percolate a bit and then you just sit back and see what happens.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us! There definitely are a lot of reasons to be confused.
I want to encourage you just to straight up ask. NO ONE can know what he is thinking and feeling. Yes, we can make educated guesses, but what’s the point when you can just ask him directly. You need to hear it FROM HIM! He needs to say it. There is plenty of evidence that would make it VERY appropriate for you ask about what is actually going on. If he is still with his girlfriend, then you know that he is being HIGHLY inappropriate by connecting with you as much as he is and being flirty. Isn’t that something you would want to know about him? If he is not with his girlfriend, he maybe really enjoying your company but just not ready to take things further just yet (which would be the smartest thing to do – but unlikely). Either way, your “friendship” is not pure friendship. Male/female TRUE/PLATONIC friends do not text that much, they do not flirt with each other and they do not have extended staring at each other moments. There is chemistry and action to support that chemistry, so you guys are not just friends. It’s important for you to get clear and make sure you both are on the same page.
Asking him for clarity is more about you taking care of your heart and bringing your mindset into alignment with what is. If you lose him as a friend because you ask, would you call that real friend anyways? If he bails and ends things because you asked him, then I say again…this is information you need to know about him. Yes, it’s a risk, but one worth taking!
So here is how you can approach it. MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO HIM IN PERSON!!! This is not a conversation to have over text!!!! Ask him out for coffee or something and let him know you need his guidance about something, but you want to talk to him in person about it. Then when you ask him in person, you can start the conversation by saying something to the effect “So…this is what I need guidance with. You and I have been connecting really well. We have a lot of fun together, we flirt a bit and I definitely feel the chemistry. I’m just not really sure what is going on though. I’m not sure if you still have a girlfriend, I’m not sure if there is potential to date, I’m not sure what you really need right now. I’m confused. I’d love your guidance and I want to make sure we are on the same page. Your friendship is important to me and that’s why this conversation is needed for me. Can you help me out here?”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Here is a website from one of my favorite experts on attachment styles. She offers a lot of great advice on how to work with each attachment style. If you understand avoidant on a deeper level, what makes them contract and what makes them reconnect, it could be helpful for you.
Hi Lili,
Since you are most likely dealing with a narcissist and definitely an avoidant, there are a few things to understand. Narcissists LOVE to be worshiped, so one way to engage him might be complimenting him and telling how much you miss him in your life. Let him know how amazing he is in some sort of fashion. Being that he is avoidant, using the least amount of words possible is best. So maybe send him a text with 3 to 4 short sentences letting him know that you miss him, can we just move past this and have some fun together. Maybe present the idea of playing a card game over zoom or something? Let him know you don’t need to talk further about whatever happened unless he wants to, but you are ready to move past it.
The other approach is to still continue to give space. Wait a week and see what happens. Avoidants need a lot of space and they typically will return to connection as long as there is no threat of confrontation. So maybe in a week, you can send him a funny video, a great article, pictures of a place you want to take a vacation or something light and fun that he would enjoy.
Is this helpful? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are things with Dave? Any new developments? Is he connecting a bit more?
Would love an update!heidi
