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Hi Rebecca,
Welcome to the forum! I understand why you are completely confused and have no idea what the heck is happening. He is sending sooooo many mixed signals and anyone would get frustrated and be confused.
Here’s the truth. There is NO WAY you guys can be friends. Not right now. You both still have feelings for each other. Him being flirty is NOT a friendship. He keeps pulling you in, little bits at a time and then pushes you away going back to wanting to be friends. He isn’t completely clear about what he wants either. He wants friendship, but then he doesn’t behave like a friend. He is still wanting connection with you and wanting your attention.
Let’s talk a bit about what he mentioned about why he was needing space. It sounds like, at first, he wanted to become more of a “provider” before really committing to anyone. Then it sounds like he wanted his freedom to go have sex and that you became pretty emotional. In his mind, you wanted what he couldn’t give you. Is this all accurate?
I think it’s important, first and foremost, to really work on your triggers. My guess is, he has distanced more because he feels your insecurities and doesn’t want to deal with them. It’s not necessarily the insecurities themselves, but that you are looking to him to help you feel better. Men don’t mind insecurities. What they mind is when the woman NEEDS things from them to help with whatever they are feeling. Learning how to work through your insecurities on your own, asking for support but not NEEDING them to do anything to fix it, this is what keeps a man engaged. Does this make sense??
Let’s just start there and we can start to break down what needs to happen next. For now, give him space. Don’t respond right away, don’t pick up the phone right away. Give him distance. He needs to feel you missing from his life. He needs to KNOW you are okay without him. This is a very attractive quality to men.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
I know it’s scary. Good job though! Love is scary and it takes GREAT courage to work through the things that come up as we step into love.
So what are you specifically going to do to work on this fear you have? I think not setting a time limit, at this point, is a good thing. I think that working on your fear and insecurities around him not committing and being unsure, is most important. Once you feel clear and have worked through your insecurities, you may find that you don’t need that from him. You may find that you still want a commitment, but it’s not coming from a place of insecurity and fear. You won’t know until you really work on what is triggering you. So your focus is to just work on yourself and even as you are going through your process, share what you are learning about yourself with him. It’s part of how he may muster the courage to work on himself by watching and learning from you.
So again, how exactly are you going to work through this?
Heidi
I love hearing about all the possibilities that are in the queue for you right now!!! How long would this project last for? If you give your notice, where would you end up living? Does it just depend on where the next project will be?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just wanted to check in. How’s your grandma? How’s it going with the person who is renting your flat? I hope they are really respectful of your home. How is the dating world? I imagine it’s pretty dull. Is there talk of lifting some of the restrictions sometime soon?
Heidi
Oh wow! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you got all kinds of verbal hugs!!! That’s so wonderful that you got to feel very loved, seen and appreciated! Guys on a dating site aren’t around you to see these things about you. It’s soooooo freakin’ tough to get to know someone over technology. It can be so empty and so many things can get misconstrued. I hear the same things from both men and women all of the time! People are beyond frustrated and confused in general with online dating.
Your spidey senses are pretty great! Online dating has taught you a lot, hasn’t it???
I’m excited for this next chapter in your life and I keep praying that is fulfills all of your desires!
Heidi
This is so great! I’m so glad you guys reconnected for an evening and just had some fun. That’s spectacular!!!
Let’s talk about this: I think why I need commitment is just to know that this is going somewhere and it won’t be a complete waste of my time. This is an illusion that you are carrying. There is NOTHING he can say that will guarantee anything. You already ARE going somewhere. All you are focused on is making sure it’s “not a waste of time” but the truth is Cassidy, he nor you, can predict anything about what will happen next, regardless of how you both feel for each other. RIGHT NOW, you both are connected and you both are having fun. He may be hesitant and unsure at the moment, but that could shift…or it may stay the same or even get worse. Who knows! That’s part of YOUR CHOICE to continue connecting to a guy who is carrying some really big baggage. YOU are choosing a guy who is going to bring some challenges into your life and activate your insecurities, because he is quite messy inside. You want some type of commitment from a guy who hasn’t even committed to himself. Meaning, he isn’t growing, learning, healing. What he is more in relationship with is his fear, judgments and hurts, therefore he will always be limited in his ability to connect and love. This is YOUR choice, yet you are wanting to put the pressure on HIM so you can feel better about YOUR choice.
I get why you are choosing this guy, as he makes you feel amazing. Go for it!!! Have fun with it! And I want to encourage you to own your choice and let go of needing HIM to make you feel better. Work on making yourself feel better. It’s not his job to make you feel secure. It’s YOUR job. Reality is, even if you guys got married, there is not guarantee of anything. Love is a SUPER HUGE risk and there is nothing any of us can do to make it any different. You absolutely could get your heart broken into a million pieces or you could end up falling so deeply in love and you guys last forever. That is the journey for EVERYONE when they “yes” to connection. You are afraid and that’s appropriate. However, NOTHING is ever a waste of time. There is already so much you have gained from this experience, even if it ended tomorrow. I invite you to shift your mindset about it. Look at each moment as a gift with him and from him. Each moment is filling you up and each moment is also challenging you to connect more strongly to yourself – face your own fears, face your own insecurities. Practice not looking to HIM to make you feel better and do it yourself! This quality is sooooo attractive to men AND you are also role modeling for him what it looks like to do your own healing. You are wanting him to heal from his past, what are you doing to heal from yours?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh great! I love that there was a spark of hope that you felt, even for a bit. It lets you know what is actually in you. It didn’t disappear, it just got covered by other stuff. The more you remove that stuff, the more the spark of your light and strength and ability to create will be accessible to you. One of my favorite definitions of faith is “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” Even though you may not feel that spark of hope or a spark of anything right now, you are filled with light and you ARE empowered with the ability to shift and heal anything you want to. I have come from such darkness and now, I have moments of being consumed vs. being consumed by it all of the time. Now, I am so connected to my light that even when the darkness comes in and tried to consume me, I have my coach, amazing friends, my techniques and a strong connection to my light. I am able to move that darkness out so quickly. It took a long time to get to where I’m at, but every single step I took mattered. Every single choice I made to get up and keep moving, even at a snail’s pace sometimes, got me to where I’m at now. You are doing a great job and you are moving in a really good direction. The direction you are heading in, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, is the direction of feeling more empowered and connected to yourself.
This is a really great workbook you might want to try:
Here is another amazing woman who specializes in helping women find their personal power and become the greatness that lives within them.
Her book is amazing and my favorite part is at the end of her book, are several different techniques you can do on your own to move and transform the heavy emotions.It’s IMPORTANT for you to get other voices into your hearing. I would recommend listening to podcasts that inspire you, teach you, make you laugh, help you become more of who you really are. Whenever I am struggling, I completely dowse myself with audible books or podcasts that are encouraging and remind me of the truth. I read books that do the same. It helps counteract my own voice and thoughts of heaviness that want to pull me down and deeper into the darkness.
Keep checking in with us!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
He definitely is confused right now. He wants your attention and deeply cares about you, but also wants space. So it’s going to be a bit tricky. When you reach out, you just want to make sure it’s not about your relationship or insinuating anything that might make him feel like you are trying to pull him back. Since he did reach out about your family member, this is a good time and a valid reason to connect. I’m so sorry by the way, about the loss you are now experiencing with your family member. You are going through a lot right now!!!
So you can send texts saying something like, “I was thinking today about life and death. For so many people, it takes facing death for them to appreciate life. I don’t want to live like that. I’m so sad (my aunt) is leaving this earth and I will dearly miss her. The loss of her is making me want to be more and do more in my life. So I’ve decided to learn….” or “Losing (my aunt) is really making me appreciate my life. I just wanted to tell you, I appreciate all you have done for me. I was so shitty this past year and you stood by me regardless. Honestly, I don’t blame you for needing space. I gave you so little over the last year. So I just wanted to say that your love and care for me during some of my worst times, was healing for me and there truly are no words that would express how much gratitude I have for you.”
Why not also send some funny videos to make him laugh. I’m sure you guys have a lot of inside jokes. You can send a video and say “I cracked up when I saw this. Made me think of you!”
I wouldn’t send anything more than once a week. Allow a lot of space between contact so he still feels like you are giving him space, but he also feels you there. It also allows him to take the lead if he wants. For right now, it’s just going to be an experiment to see what he feels okay with.
Another thing that might help him feel safe to come back, is knowing you are taking ACTION to change for the better. Meaning, reading a book, becoming part of a program, learning new techniques to better handle your stress. Let’s say you find a group program you want to become a part of, you can send him the link and say “Hey! I just joined this program and I’m really excited about it!” When he sees that you are taking ACTION, he will know that you are serious about becoming a better person / partner.
I love Michaela Boehm. Her book is AMAZING and she offers all kinds of classes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
No one ever knows what will inspire someone towards healing and moving on from the past. Typically, it’s pain. When someone is in enough pain, they will usually reach out for some type of help. Unfortunately, a lot of people’s pain tolerance is EXTREMELY high, so sometimes it takes boat load to come crashing down to get someone’s attention. Who knows what it will take for him to face his fears. The hard part about feeling “numb” and not having full access to feelings, is there is no pain. So people are usually not inspired to create any kind of change. He actually may feel something a lot more about you from the loss of you. That’s how it can sometimes work.
A good way to bring up the topic of getting some help or addressing how his past is affecting his future is to imagine you are writing a newspaper article about him. Ask a million questions to get the details about his story. His thoughts, his feelings, the decisions he made etc. BE CURIOUS! When you have a conversation from that type of mindset of wanting to just learn about him, he may open up even more and feel safe sharing deeper stuff with you. But it’s just a conversation. If he feels like you are fishing for something, then he’ll shut down. When you have these types of conversations, make sure you guys are on a date, where the attention is just on each other. Be somewhere nice and pleasant, on the quiet side and somewhere you both enjoy. Make sure you feel and look your best. It’s extremely helpful to create a good environment for a sensitive type of conversation. And make sure that you say things like “Wow…that must have been really hard for you.” or “Oh, I get it. I can see why you do….” or “You really impress me. You have been through so much and you are still standing. You are very resilitent.” Basically, you want to make sure you are validating his experiences and affirming his best qualities through all of it. Offer little compliments, ask a lot of questions and just leave it at that. DO NOT head into offering advice. Remember, it’s just a conversation and being curious and that’s it! Having these conversations can be really bonding….or not. It just depends on how comfortable he feels talking about his past.
how long is too long. That a tough question I guess. This is only a question you can answer. Each person has their own limit and tolerance. What you want to ask yourself instead is, “Why do I need a commitment?” If your need for a commitment from him is coming from a place of fear and insecurity, then you need to face that inside of yourself and figure out how to get to a place of security and self love within yourself. THEN AND ONLY THEN can you decide if a commitment is something you actually need from him. So let’s talk about that a little bit. What are you reasons for needing a commitment from him?
Heidi
Isn’t that so interesting! I love that story! Thanks for sharing. I know many studies have been done with hugging as well and how impactful it is. Right now, we are all so deprived of touch….I have no doubt there are so many implications that we are not even aware of yet. This period of time will be a field day for sociologists for years to come!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s such a deeply challenging thing to watch someone you love, slowly slip through your fingers.
Help me understand a few things here. What EXACTLY is he needing space to think about? Meaning, what specifically was not working for him? Do you know what he needs in order for him to feel safe to come back? If you had a magic wand and could fix everything, what EXACTLY needs to be fixed for him in order to come back?
It’s important for you to understand that men and women view and experience relationships VERY differently. Women get terrified when a man goes into his “cave” to get some space and think. It’s sooooo important that you view this time as very sacred for him. Trust in his process. When he feels your trust in him, he will come out of the cave sooner. If he feels you constantly trying to connect in some for or another, he will feel your insecurity and want to stay away longer. Men LOVE women who are secure and confident in themselves, even when they go into their caves.
I think your best path, at least for this moment, is for you to work through all your fears and insecurities with us here and continue to give him space. Do not drop anything off at his house. Let him truly feel his life without you in it every single day. This is important information for him and part of his process. He needs to know you have the ability to honor and respect it.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
I’m going to make a suggestion that may be super difficult and even counter-intuitive, but there is a strong potential for it to work with the little we know about him.
Would you be willing to not care about his secrets? Would you be willing to let go of your need to know about his ex’s and how they are involved in his life?
The reason I am suggesting this, is when a man is questioned about what he is doing and why and where etc. it activates a feeling in a man that he is not a “respected” leader. He needs to feel like you feel safe with him. He needs to feel like you respect him. He needs to feel like you trust how he handles and manages his life. So what if you focused on helping him feel more of these things and dealt with your fears and worries on your own for a bit – just see what happens. If he says “that’s all you need to know for now” you respond by saying something to the affect, “Okay love. I trust that you have it all handled.” and just leave it at that. The more he feels your confidence in him, the more it’s possible that he opens up a bit more. The more you trust in him, the more he will trust in being vulnerable with you.
Does this make sense? I’m not saying this is what you need to do forever…I’m suggesting to give this a shot and give it some time and see what happens. It’s all an experiment anyways. You want to experiment to see what works to inspire what you want from him and this might be an approach that works.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katerina,
Let’s talk a bit about this “huge mistake” you have made. What if you shifted perspectives? Personally, I don’t believe in mistakes. I believe there are moments where things don’t work, where things break, where things fail, but why are they mistakes? Why is it all waste, just because it didn’t turn out how you wanted? These past 20 years were just a path you were on. There are MANY things you have learned and experienced along the way. Now…the path has come to an end. Just because there is an ending, it does not mean this path was a mistake. It was just a journey you took! We ALL have failed relationships, jobs etc. in our lives. Mistakes??? No way. Each experience has lessons for us. Each experience provides us with valuable information. Each experience brings challenges that will enable us to become more of who we are, if we choose that path. You didn’t make any mistakes. You chose connection and there is no mistake in that. You found a way to get your needs met all of these years. You were just being resourceful. Now…it’s time for you to be a different kind of resourceful. I know that being depression makes hearing this kind of thing quite difficult. The feelings and sadness and emptiness and hopelessness that come with depression tend to be all consuming. My hope is to at least plant a seed of truth.
If you go to youtube, look up EFT and TFT. Those are powerful techniques that can help with the depression. I also suggest a gratitude journal. Gratitude is a very high frequency emotion and can shift and heal a lot of the lower emotions. The gratitude journal will get you focused on what you DO have instead of what you don’t have – which is the focus of depression. Start each day writing down everything you are grateful for. It’s okay if it’s the same exact things every single day. I’ve had days where all I could connect to was being grateful that I could take a shower or be able to walk or be able to see. Another thing that can be helpful is finding ways to give to others. Volunteer somewhere, help someone with something, bake cookies for your neighbors….once I got a bouquet of roses and I dedicated a day where I passed out each rose to 12 different strangers and gave them a compliment. I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that was! I got so much more in return from those people’s smiles and their kind words..it was spectacular!!!
Good job with the yoga and meditation!!! Keep up the good work!!!
Was this helpful???
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. I totally get why you are struggling and why everything is so confusing.
Let’s see if we can help you find more clarity and a way forward that will be helpful!What’s happening for him is called the “upper limit.” The upper limit is the limit of how happy we allow ourselves to be. This limit is directly connected to how much low self esteem we carry. So someone with a lot of low self esteem, programs and stories that carry a lot of lies and trauma – will have a low upper limit. Meaning, they will NOT allow themselves to feel happy for very long. You know when someone is reaching their upper limit when they start to sabotage their happiness. I too came from a lot of trauma and in my younger years when I had a TON of low self-esteem, I would sabotage usually within 2 weeks! So basically, what your guy is doing, is allowing his low self-esteem control his life. The fears he carries, the stories he still hears in his mind and his inability to truly allow love to come in. Basically, his fear is MUCH bigger than his desires to love. His heart will not open as long as he keeps holding onto the stories of his past. His ability to love will always be limited and even if he did decide to move forward with you, there will be a million more walls you will have to face. You say he is the guy of your dreams, but you barely know him and being in relationship with some with this much low self esteem, means you are stepping into a lot of challenge and drama down the road. I know you guys haven’t argued yet, but you are still in the honeymoon phase.
With all of this being said, I’m not saying not to move forward. I understand your strong connection with him and desire to keep him in your life. So let me ask you this…are you willing to let go of needing to know if there is a future with him? Are you willing to just take one day at a time and let things develop naturally vs. needing some sort of prediction of where this is going with him? That is the only way you will be able to keep him in your life at this moment in time.
Here is the thing Cassidy. There are NO guarantees…EVER…about love and relationships. Love is a huge risk, so asking him to decide if there is a future only after 5 months, is quite a lot of pressure. He, nor anyone, not even you, can decide the future. If he is the best thing that’s ever happened to you, why not just keep enjoying it instead of trying to control it into the direction you want so you can feel more secure. Are you willing to let go of controlling where this goes and just be present with him? If you take that pressure off, the odds of him staying with you will greatly increase. You can say something like, “You know…I was really thinking about it. If I’m going to be completely honest, it’s scares me to feel these things I feel with you. Because it scares me, I’m trying to create more safety for myself by asking you where “we” are going. You know what? That’s not really fair. It’s impossible for either of us to know where this is going. I’m trying to control our direction and I’m seeing how it’s causing separation between us. So I propose that we just take one day at a time. What if we just kept hanging out, laughing and playing and talking and just continuing to get to know each other..one day at a time. Can we just do that together? Not worry about the future and just make each day a good day together? All I know is that I want you in my life. My life is better with you in it. I am better because of you. We are good together. There is no reason for either of us to walk in different directions…at least not right now. So for today…can we just relax and not think about tomorrow?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
Gratitude is a powerful thing isn’t it? It helps keep your focus on what you DO have and not what you don’t have. I’m glad to hear that it’s working for you.
I would also suggest to look up on youtube EFT or TFT. Those are also very powerful, yet subtle techniques that can help shift how you are feeling.
This might be a good book: https://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Spiritual-Higher-Creativity/dp/1585421472
I want to keep encouraging you to find ways to have a specialist guide you through what you are feeling and experiencing. You have some pretty deep wounds that need some healing. Once you work on those wounds and the baggage you are carrying, you will not have to always manage your feelings and reactions with gratitude and journaling. So maybe consider finding a group to become a part of, go through a book with specific exercises or something of that nature.
It sounds like his heart is opening up a bit more. That’s wonderful! Keep being patient and taking one moment at a time!
Heidi
