[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

It sounds like you are connecting really well to the feeling of abandonment. That’s a big one isn’t it?? Has your therapist taught you how to connect to that little girl part of yourself who is holding onto the hurt of all of those experiences?

I know it’s hard to let go of someone you thought was going to be the person you married. I’m curious…you are seeing a different side to him now and you have taken a bit of a step back. With all you are seeing about him now, would you still marry him? Do you feel he has all of the qualities you need in order to feel like you can have a healthy, balanced, sustainable love?

I’m sure you have a ton going on. I’d like to suggest an exercise whenever you feel inspired. It’s called the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities you NEED (not want) in the relationship in order for you to be happy. Everyone’s list is different and unique. These qualities are truly non-negotiable. Meaning…if you have 20 qualities listed, if you meet a guy who has 19 of the 20, it won’t work. Every single one of those qualities is a non-negotiable.

Here are just a few examples of what’s on my list. Without these qualities in a relationship, there is NO WAY I would make it. So my guy will need to embody these qualities in order for me to build a solid relationship with him:
1. Romantic
2. Loves and wants animals in his life
3. High emotional intelligence
4. Spiritual
5. Physically active

These qualities are truly non-negotiable for me. Your list is something to experiment with. There will be some qualities you instantly know are non-negotiables and some qualities you aren’t sure. It takes some time to really get to know yourself from this perspective. The purpose of this list, is to use it as your guide. Most people let their feelings of connection and chemistry guide them into a relationship. Chemistry and connection are super, crazy powerful!!! The non-negotiable list can help keep you grounded. When you date with your non-negotiable list in the forefront of your mind, it can help keep you grounded in reality. If you decide to do this exercise, share it here! There are many layers to it that we can work through together.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sheron,

I’m curious. Did he apologize at all for cheating? Has he felt bad about his choices and expressed that you? Has he actually said that he wants to work together with you, to help improve the relationship? He blamed YOU for HIM cheating. I’m not sure someone like that is really interested in growing and working WITH you to improve the relationship. Anytime someone is pointing the finger at the other person and not fully and completely taking responsibility, you are either dealing with a narcissist or dealing with someone who is extremely emotionally fragile and does not have the skills to sustain a healthy relationship. Is this his pattern? Whenever you guys have an argument, does he have the habit of always blaming you for the problems?

People don’t just stop cheating. You already have seen, for a 2nd time, that he is starting the behavior again. Whether or not he sent it, doesn’t matter. What matters is that he is thinking about it AGAIN. He is not committing to you fully and completely and investing all of his energy into a relationship with you. The fact that he blamed you for his cheating, means he hasn’t really connected into himself on a deeper level as to why he broke his integrity. From what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like he really cares that he broke his integrity. Am I understanding correctly? Or do you feel he has been very remorseful and wanting to truly fix things with you?

I’m curious…the last few years, you said you were begging and pleading a lot. Can you explain that more? What was happening for you? How come you were like that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sheron,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It’s awful to find out you are being cheated on, not once, but now twice and nothing is really changing.

It sounds like that although you are forgiving him, he is not really willing to change much. Have you talked about why he is cheating? Most people cheat because some of their needs are not being met. Would you guys consider a therapist? Has he opened up about any of that? He does not sound like he is happy and you certainly are not happy. If he is not willing to work on improving the relationship and he is not willing to be honest with you and work WITH you, then it might be time to consider creating a different situation for yourself and your kids.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lili,

Lets address a few things here that you have said:

“stop trying to convince me of that, I might change my mind.” Perhaps he is simply shopping for the best and I guess in that perspective, I’m trying to be the choice I presume. To me, being objective, what he said is quite disrespectful and shows me a deeper view of how he feels about women…most likely in a subconscious way. I doubt he is truly aware of his deep seeded feelings about women. “I might change my mind” is a way of saying in a very indirect way, I have all the control. He is living his life where he has all the control over women and it’s about them serving him. Your response of “I’m trying to be the choice” is essentially giving him all the power of your value. If he chooses you, then you get to be the woman who changed his mind, which then sources your self-esteem and helps you feel valuable. Does this resonate for you at all? I obviously have very limited information, but from what you have shared, this is the pattern I am picking up on.

Well it all depends on whether it will last that way, he is after all nearing 60, a fact I know bothers him. The thing is Lili, you are waiting for him to change. That means you are not truly accepting him for who he is RIGHT NOW. You are not willing to leave, yet you are not willing to accept his choices and truly embrace who he WANTS to be in his life. If he wants his ex in his life, that’s his choice. It is not your place to criticize or comment about her directly or indirectly. He will see what he wants to see and he gets to live his life that way. It’s your place to see him for who he is and either agree and participate in that design…or not. How many women he has slept with, doesn’t matter. There is an inherent risk of getting an STD with a guy who is highly sexually active (or at least that is who he has been) so what’s the point in asking any of those questions anyway? The numbers don’t matter. Even if it were 2 other women, the risk is still there, so it’s not a conversation that will lead anywhere effective.

So it really comes back to the question of this…you KNOW who he is, you are choosing to participate in HIS design, not yours and in subtle ways, you are wanting him to change to fit YOUR design. Are you willing to let go of what you want and accept what he has to offer and let that be enough for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I am so sorry for all the hurt you are feeling. I can see how much it is consuming you and that’s a really tough place to be in.

I’m going to encourage you in a direction you will not like though….stay away. He is communicating to you that you have crossed all kinds of his boundaries and so he is going to set stronger ones…hence blocking you on social media. Trust has been broken here and the only way to repair it, is to actually honor and respect his boundaries 100%. That means, take a step back and let him come to you. No more texting him, following him, searching for him, talking to his friends about him or stalking him on social media. When he feels you can actually be okay without him, when he feels you are respectful of his boundaries and his space, when he feels he actually is getting the space he asked for…then and only then will he consider re-connecting with you. You have to SHOW him. Talking to him more and trying to explain your intentions won’t help. Your intentions are heartfelt however, it’s your ACTIONS that are causing damage and disconnection. So if you want things to change, you need to show him through your ACTIONS.

Your feelings and emotions are controlling you instead of you controlling all that is coming up for you. It’s all very intense and you are trying to relieve your suffering through connecting to him. This is such an incredibly important time for you to learn how to source yourself. You have lost yourself in him and if you just keep trying to go back to HIM to help you feel better, you will only continue to lose yourself. It’s time to get yourself back, learn new skills, release the baggage you are carrying that is being activated right now and empower yourself. I know how hard it is. Love takes us so deep into ourselves and the loss of it is devastating. It’s time for you to start processing your feelings and the hurt that is coming up, so you can have more control over your emotions instead of your emotions controlling you. This is where a therapist will be able to help you.

Here is a video that may help you understand what is happening for you right now:

heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Katerina,

You are quite the warrior maiden aren’t you? You are fighting for more in your life and that says a lot about you! Please feel free to come here and vent and share all your feelings and challenges. Kanya and I are here to listen and offer various perspectives and to support you, so just keep that in mind!

Here is a website that might be helpful for you: https://eftuniverse.com/

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

I know it feels like his choices are what created your anxiety and having your emotional reactions, but the truth is, all of that was already in you. He just happened to press the button. You reaction of becoming more needy is really important for you to address, because the truth is, he – or someone else for that matter – will trigger you again and all those same exact feelings and emotions are going to show up and sabotage connection. He won’t come back as long as he senses the neediness is still there. So let’s talk about this aspect a little more. You said you felt ditched. Where have you felt ditched before in your life? Where do you think your neediness is coming from? Where in your past have you experienced being abandoned and rejected? You said you are working on yourself a few hours a day…what EXACTLY are you doing?

Correct, no appreciation. Just focus on space and let him take the lead. You reactions of becoming frosty or frustrated for him not being the way you want him to be, is what will push him away even further. What will keep him connected is feeling your emotional stability, your acceptance of what he needs right now and that you are okay without him. I know you feel differently right now, but if you want him back, you have to fake it until you make it and work like crazy, behind the scenes, on everything that you are feeling on your own. So when he messages, just say “It’s great to hear from you. How was your trip?” Basically, keep things super light, easy, fun. You want him to feel like texting you is going to be fun….no drama. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay! I get it now. You need to give a 60 day notice to the place you are currently living. It used to be a 30-day notice for a looong time and then something changed about a decade ago. Everywhere I have lived requires a 60-day notice, so something shifted in the industry. It’s definitely a pain!

That’s soooooo funny how that guy popped in again and you didn’t even get to see him! It’s like you are having these really funny mysterious movie moments with him. I’m so curious!!! I’m sure you will find out soon who he is. At the very least, he is nice eye candy which is always fun!

Have you ever tried J date? I know it’s Jewish based, but from what I hear, everyone is invited and there are all kinds of people with different religious beliefs on there. Maybe check it out! Have you tried eharmony? elitesingles?

heidi

[Heidi G]

hahaha! I love that little moment you had!!! I wonder where he went. Are you able to somehow find out??

So the place you currently live is not in Calgary? And you would need to find a new home there?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jules,

This sounds great! I’m glad you are feeling good about just exploring and seeing where everything goes, without needing to put a label on it. One day at a time. Just remember to stay REALLY connected to yourself. He is resisting “labels” and that is a red flag to just continue to pay attention to. A guy who wants to have sex, but not officially be boyfriend and girlfriend…well, just be cautious. I’ve had that situation before, but I had to draw some boundaries. I told the guy that as long as we were being intimate, I was not okay with him being intimate with other women. He could go on dates and explore and do whatever, but my line was drawn. You might want to have that kind of conversation. “seeing where this goes” is quite general and without either of you realizing it, you might have very different definitions of what that actually means. So make sure you are VERY clear about what your needs are to help you feel safe in “exploring” where this goes. Does that make sense?

There is a lot to read, right? It’s all amazing stuff, so my suggestion is to let your intuition guide you. Skim through the material and see what catches your attention. Maybe even start with the book that talks about developing your intuition. I like to just ask my higher self “show me what would be the most valuable information for me” or “guide me in the direction that is for my highest good right now” and then see what pops out for you. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

okay great!!! You can even go on michaela’s website and start to look at her “non-linear movement” programs. It’s great stuff and can really help you shift the depression. Also, don’t forget to look up EFT or TFT on youtube. It’s a form of tapping on meridian points on the body to also help shift heavy emotions. There is an incredible amount of scientific research that supports these techniques. Even the military is using these techniques to help vets with PTSD.

You can do this!!!

How are you feeling??? Keep sharing here. We are here for you too!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karthigeswari,

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a broken heart. It’s devastating. There is so much suffering that shows up. Of course you want to reach out all of the time. It’s like a drug. You are reaching for a fix because you are in so much pain. What Kanya suggested is the very best thing you can do. Give him space and show him you can actually respect his boundaries and work on yourself.

The truth here is, it sounds like he is carrying a lot of baggage. He drinks a lot and he has cheated at least once that you know of. That baggage will always be there until he chooses to deal with it and face it. He will cheat again and again and again or do something else to sabotage the relationship as long as that baggage is there. Over time, the baggage will just get bigger. So in reality, this guy is not really emotionally available for you and will bring more chaos into your life that you can even imagine…over time. He is messy and has a lot of work to do on himself. The simple fact that he is still holding onto resentment or hurt feelings or whatever from his ex, lets you know he is not very good at forgiving and releasing the past. What do you think will happen if you spend 20 years with this guy??? You guys will be miserable because he will just keep holding onto everything you did to hurt him over the 20 years and he will hold it against you and very slowly become less and less emotionally available. This is the path that he is on. This is the path you are fighting for. Are you sure that is what you want to experience? He most likely is already an alcoholic and over time, it’s just going to get worse. Are you sure you want to take that journey with him???? Whatever his reasons for needing space right now, hopefully he uses it wisely and really looks at the baggage he is carrying, so he can choose a better path for himself. You are NOT love or caring for him or helping him in any sort of way by forcing yourself into his life. All you are doing is thinking about yourself and wanting to get out of pain. Love is NOT enough to create a healthy relationship. He doesn’t need love right now. He needs to face his demons. If you truly cared about him, you will listen to him and honor what his needs really are, even if it hurts you. As he goes through his process, you get to now go through your own. This is a great opportunity for you to re-center into yourself and deal with your fears and anxieties about being cheated on. You don’t want to go back to old patterns with him, do you?? You are still dealing with your fears about him being flirty with other women or reaching out to his ex. That is no way to live! You deserve more than that, but you have to fight for it….for yourself.

I understand you don’t trust people easily. Me neither. If you have a big open cut on your body, you would go see a doctor right?? It’s the only way for it to heal properly and you need someone who has the special training to help you heal in the right way. Same thing with a therapist or coach. You have a BIG open wound in your emotional body and working with someone who is specially trained will help you heal that in the right way. There are a TON of people out there willing to help you. You might discover that connecting with someone who can help you through this, is sooooooo much better than just suffering alone like you are doing right now.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rama,

Well done!!! You are doing a great job facing the baggage you are carrying. Not many people take that path. They may take medication, but they don’t really face the real reasons why the depression and anxiety are there. You are going above and beyond to heal and that means you will reap great rewards for your commitment to yourself. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now and that’s very normal. Eventually, you will get past the worst of it and start to feel soooooo much lighter and eventually you won’t need the medication.

He has his side of things to deal with now. The thing is Rama, you did cause a lot of pain for him but you DID NOT break him. If he wants to blame you for that, he gets to do that, but it also means he is playing the victim and that is certainly something he is not. He chose to stay in relationship with you, even though you were not emotionally available for him. He made choices to stay connected to you, at the expense of his own needs. That’s HIS doing, not yours. As long as he wants to keep blaming you for the pain he felt during that time and not truly take responsibility for his mindset and his own choices, he is not available as a good partner anyway. Playing the victim means he is not forgiving and releasing the past and that’s all part of why he is suffering and keeping his walls up. Has he ever worked with a therapist or anyone of that nature to help him through his anxiety and all that he felt?? If not, he is going to be a mess inside. That mess will prevent him from connecting with you….similar to how your depression prevented you from connecting with him. Basically, the emotions, the fears, the anxieties, the hurt are all bigger than any feelings of love or connection. So you ask if he still has feelings? My guess is yes and that’s why he has to push you away so strongly. Does he have complete access to those feelings?? Probably not. The walls that go up from being hurt are pretty powerful. Over time, the feelings really do away.

Your so focused on trying to keep him in your life, that you are missing how messed up he is. Having him in your life may not actually be the best and most healthy thing for either of you. You guys have so much history and with that history comes a lot of challenge and heartbreak. To just step back into being friends may not be possible for a while. Besides, you are going to keep doing what you can to get him to feel things for you and that is just not what he wants right now. It’s not really friendship that you are offering and he knows and feels that and he doesn’t want to be pulled back in. Your best bet is to keep really focused on yourself and let yourself heal and keep allowing him the space to heal as well. You may feel far apart from him right now, but sometimes that is a really good thing, so you both can feel yourselves separate from each other. You both are very different people now and you are wanting what “used to be” to happen again. Too much has happened. You need to focus on creating a new you and a brand new relationship with him – and that means honoring what he needs for right now, continue to work on yourself and let the cards fall where they may.

You have done everything you can to let him know you are changing and that’s enough. Now…he gets to live with that for a bit. You have a lot of work to do, so as much as you are working on yourself, it doesn’t mean your patterns have changed yet. This is going to take a lot of patience and time for your new behaviors, thought patterns, habits to show up in your life naturally and for your light to shine through even brighter. Trust that if he is meant to match the new you that you are in process of creating, it will happen.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rama,

I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. It’s a lot and there are many things here that need to be addressed in order for both of you to heal.

First, it’s REALLY important that you understand that when dealing with depression, there really is no control over how you are feeling. You did the very best that you could. It’s normal for feelings to disappear. All the color in life drains away and everything becomes kind of gray. It’s not your fault that your feelings for him went away. You were doing the very best that you knew how, so to have regret and wished you made different decisions is a way of punishing yourself for not being more than what you were. Are you willing to release that? You gave him a HUGE gift. You both are so young and still have a TON to learn about yourselves and love. All the anxiety and depression that showed up for him, the feelings of powerlessness he had to deal with…are all VERY IMPORTANT things for him to face. He needed to work through those things and find out he was okay without you. In a healthy relationship, both people are independent and have their own lives and do not lose themselves in the other person. It sounds like that was what happened with the 2 of you. It sounds like you both were so enmeshed in each other, that you didn’t know who you were separate from each other. It was like you both were completing each other’s identity. It sounds like he found more of himself separate than you and as uncomfortable as that is for you, it’s important and healthy.

I know you won’t like what I am about to say. You cannot make him let go of the past. He needs to remember. You cannot promise that you won’t do that to him again, so it’s smart for him to be cautious. What needs to happen now is for him to know and see that you are dealing with your depression differently than before. Do you have a specialist helping you through it? Are you on medication? What EXACTLY are you doing to deal with all of what you are feeling? How are you working with your feelings?

Let’s just start there and we will continue to walk you through the process.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Is this a book that you resonate with? There are a TON of books and programs we can recommend, so make sure this is something you feel you would be excited and inspired to go through.

Here is her website. Maybe this will give you more information as to what you would like to do. I’m not familiar with the starter kit, so I cannot comment on that. I’m just familiar with the book.

https://juliacameronlive.com/

Heidi

[Author]

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