Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Huyen,
I’m glad you are connecting to the truth that you are not to blame for who he chooses to be. That’s an important step towards growth!!
let’s talk about this a bit: I could only think of the good times, happy memories, how we used to be as a couple. I always teach people that the success of a relationship is determined by how people treat each other in their worst moments, not their best moments. SO you could have the most amazing connection and love when things are good, but when things get tough – if respect and connection and caring for each other does not exist and abusive behavior, ghosting, stonewalling etc. shows up – that acts like a cancer in any relationship. So as good as you guys have been, you guys are ALSO not healthy at the very core, foundation of your relationship. Safety needs to exist. You don’t feel safe to be yourself with him. Do you REALLY think that you can have an open heart of connection and love with a man you inherently don’t feel safe with??
On the other hand, I knew I did him wrong and the endless thought of “what ifs”, “if only”,” I wish” keep haunting me day & night. You BOTH have done each other wrong in many ways. Welcome to relationship! It’s a given that each person is going to cause hurt, just by being human. It’s okay! What makes it all redeemable is that you learn and grow and shift your behaviors and become a better partner. I’ll tell you right now, even IF you hadn’t been passive aggressive with him, it DOES NOT CHANGE that at the core of who he is, his father’s approval is more important to him than anything in the world. It drives him into action and behaviors that support what he lives for. He has a lot of core wounds and programming that have shaped his beliefs about women and relationships. You really think that if you had been a better communicator or a better partner, that all those lifelong programs would be gone??? No way! It’s IN HIM and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for the beliefs he came into the relationship with. They were all there loooong before you came along. The only way he will be successful in a relationship is if he finds a woman who aligns with his values and has similar programming. That’s a better match for him. You did NOT grow up with that programming, so it’s NOT YOUR FAULT that things have turned out how they have. You both came to the table with inherently different beliefs about love and relationship and those core beliefs don’t match, no matter how amazing you guys got along. What is happening now was inevitable.
I can’t stand a thought of him being with another woman or moving on without me. Valentine is coming up, our anniversary, etc. I feel like losing a part of my identity, the dream, the hope , the future that I’ve imagined with him in it. I feel like a failure .. I understand. This is sooooo hard. It does feel like losing a part of yourself. That’s what a breakup is. He will move onto another woman and he will move on without you. But you know what??? You will too! I know that right now, you can’t even imagine it, but time will help you heal. I always suggest to align with a therapist or coach to help you through difficult times like this. You are stronger than you think. HE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!!! Yes, you have to face the loss of your dreams and hopes of the future you created with him. THat’s actually the hardest part. It’s painful for sure. But what is your other choice? You can stay and constantly be rejected and de-valued and blamed by him. That’s neverending…your pain and hurt will never stop. Or you can face this and start to deal with the loss of your dreams and actually have an ending to the pain. Either way is painful, but the latter will end, because you will allow yourself to heal.
Here is a good analogy I like to use. Imagine I give you the most amazing recipe to bake a cake. I give you all the highest quality ingredients, but I also say you have to add 1 cup of poop. Yep! That’s right…1 cup of poop. So….you think you can make that cake taste amazing as long as you have 1 cup of poop as part of the ingredients? No way! That’s what your relationship is like. You have a lot of amazing ingredients, but you also have dysfunction that he is not really willing to work through with you (the 1 cup of poop). No matter what you do Huyen, you cannot make your relationship what you want as long as that dysfunction exists. Why? because it takes 2 people. You could correct every last thing you did to hurt him, but as long as he is not owning up to his side of things and willing to heal his cup of poop, the relationship will ALWAYS be limited and harmful, mostly towards you. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Sheron,
If he was not being connective with you, what would make you want to beg for his attention? What is making you want to fight for a guy who is clearly not a good partner?
Heidi
Hi Gail,
Welcome! How about you share a little more detail about what you are trying to figure out. It will help us guide you better when we know some of the details about your situation.
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your need to say something to him. You feel like you have never felt before and that makes those feelings extremely powerful! I think you need to do what you need to do in order for you to feel peaceful and resolved inside. To go from seeing each other once every few months is a big leap to step into something committed. Do you know what that looks like for you? Everyone has variations about what it means to be committed, so what is it that you would want from him? More contact? More meetups? More communication? Being monogamous? It’s important to be very clear about that before sharing your feelings.
What do you want to say to him? Go ahead and write it all out here and let’s sift through what is most important to say. With a guy like this, it’s important to be quite succinct and not overwhelm him with too many thoughts and feelings to the point that he shuts down.
You can even just suggest meeting up more frequently and use that as a stepping stone and getting him used to thinking about you more. Have you tried that approach yet?
Heidi
Hi Chelsea,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You are in a really tough situation, because of the distance.
I’m glad you were able to re-connect, but I know it’s not the design you really want.
It’s going to be a slow and subtle process, so you will need some patience. I would suggest to very slowly start to expand your conversation with him. Keep it light though. Start to build the friendship back up again and start to share about yourself or ask him a question that will take you away from the sex talk. Does this make sense?
I know you don’t want to lose him, but you are in a really tough spot. First, you barely know the guy. Second, he is interested in connecting with you but on through sex and that will make you feel used. Third, you are trying to build a relationship through technology, which is extremely limited. No matter what anyone says or how they feel or how many times they have video talked, you truly don’t know someone until you have seen them in their daily life. Here you are, going to all of this effort trying to get him back, with a sliver of information about who he really is. I know you feel connected to him, but he is not on the same page as you. You may have messed it up because of the stress you are under, but have you ever thought that maybe you were being saved from a HUGE mess this guy would bring into your life? He might be verbally or physically abusive when he is angry. He might be a rude person to other people. He might weigh heavily on the narcissistic side. He might be a horrible communicator. He might be a player. All of things you would not know just by talking to him. You both are sharing the best parts of yourself without seeing any of it in action. Just something to consider before you try to get this guy back and give him your heart.
Heidi
Of course a guy like this exists! You are all of those things, so why wouldn’t a guy who is all of those things exist as well???
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! You have an interesting situation, so let’s see if we can sift through all of it bit, by bit.
How often are you guys seeing each other?
A BIG BIG red flag is his “humbleness” and his uncomfortableness with people doing nice things for him. This is a HUGE relationship barrier. The biggest challenge you will face, is that he will be very resistant and unable to accept and receive love from you. He will always block it somehow, because deep down (subconsciously) he doesn’t believe he deserves it. I know you want to deepen the relationship. I’m not sure he is capable considering the amount of low self-esteem he carries. You will eventually become the mother and him the child. It will be you constantly trying to re-assure him as your nurturing mother self and him having child energy of needing re-assurance. This is the road you will end up on with a guy like this. He is not emotionally set up to have a deep, loving relationship. There’s a basic adage saying “you cannot give what you don’t have.” He doesn’t have a lot of self love, so his ability to offer you love will be extremely limited. He can abosutely hang out and be a friend with benefits, but for what you are looking for, you are going to run into road blocks all over the place. Are you sure you want to continue moving forward with him?
Heidi
Well done Melissa!!! This is all really great stuff and I love that you are feeling the results of all of it. Illness can absolutely wreak havoc on a person’s emotional/spiritual wellness. I’m not surprised that you lost yourself, but sometimes, the losing of yourself makes you find new parts that need to come forward. I know it affected your relationship, but it is improving your relationship to yourself, which in return will make you a much better partner in life. He may or may not come around full circle. That’s okay. You are learning to connect to yourself on a deeper level and have daily self care practices. That just means that you will attract an even healthier experience of love, because you are loving yourself. So if your guy comes back, it will be so much better, but if he doesn’t, another man will come along eventually and blow your mind! You are truly doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
This makes a lot more sense! Thank you for sharing more information. It’s helpful.
Let’s talk about what you want. Is there anything else I can do to help him release his anger? Or the best thing to do is to have compassion & wait if he turns around? Would he ever turn around..? No, there is nothing you can do to help him release his anger. IF he ever turns around, it needs to come from him. There is a saying in America “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” It’s very true in your situation. If he believes he needs to get approval from his father, be the one to make all the decision and making his life goal to be at the top and in control, he gets to live like that. He will live an empty shell kind of life, but nonetheless, he gets to live and believe as he does. You hoping he will change, compromise a little and meet you in the middle somewhere, is basically asking him to live differently than his core beliefs and mission in life. It is NOT your fault.
“only if you let me make all the decision, no matter how big or small”. He once said ” I provide, I don’t cheat, I don’t gamble, I’m not an addict, so what I’ve done to you (referring to abusive comments) is trivial”. He has no understanding how powerful verbal abuse is. Just FYI, studies have even shown that verbal abuse is more impactful and harmful than physical abuse.
He blamed me to turn him into a “monster”, he wasn’t like that in the beginning of our relationship, it’s because of all my manipulation. Who he has chosen to become in his life is NOT a result of your “manipulation.” Yes, you did not handle things well many times. You are learning. AND…what you are fighting for is to be seen, heard, valued and appreciated as an equal, not a subserviant partner who gives all the power to the man. Your needs are natural, normal and healthy, but your needs go against how he wants to live his life. You did not turn him into anything. That’s impossible. You cannot make him be anything. He acts as if he is a victim here, which essentially is saying he has no choice in who he becomes. Someone who believes like that, is very confused, wounded and full of anger. He is the product of his childhood, not you. The responsibility lies on his family, not you.
I’m so sorry Huyen. My suggestion is for you to get really connected to yourself. You are confident, self-sufficient, have opinions and feelings that matter and you, of course, want a man who values all of that about you. This guy is not that person. He has other values that are more important to him. Even if you were to change how you approach him and deal with conflicts, it doesn’t change who he is choosing to be on the inside. He is NOT the kind of guy who supports your core values, so you guys are not a good match. There is no compromising here with him. The only way for things to work, are for him to stop believing he is a victim, for him to release his need to get approval from his father and his need to have 100% control in his life, including over you. That means, he would need to literally destroy the emotional structure of how he lives his life and then rebuild it differently. That is something people RARELY do. It’s scary, it’s hard, it’s extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant. The rewards are amazing, but to get to that means facing an incredible task.
So…let me ask you this. Let’s look into your emotional system. What would make you want to keep connecting to a guy who constantly blames you for his unhappiness, who believes you should be subservient to him, who is verbally abusive and who doesn’t respect or value all that you have to offer?? I’m sure he used to be a great boyfriend, but that’s not who he is right now. Right now, you are wanting to get back together with a man who is extremely unhappy and will only continue to get worse over time. Are you sure you want to participate in that kind of “love?”
Heidi
Hi Lili,
Okay…so it sounds like he is using the excuse that showing up with these young girls is more about impressing investors and employees. Let’s look at that even deeper. That thought pattern, in and of itself, shows you he really does not respect nor value women deep down (in his subconscious). So if that exists in him, it’s going to leak out in all kinds of behaviors he has while in relationship with you. Your jealousy about him being with other women is YOUR insecurity and not for him to fix in you. He is who he is. His beliefs and thoughts about women existed waaaaay before you came along. He is just expressing those beliefs by showing up with different younger women in various places. It has nothing to do with you not providing enough for him. Truth be told, there is no way for you to ever fill that hole that lives within him when it comes to love. He will use you like he uses every other woman – but again, I’m not saying this is a conscious choice. He is just being himself…that’s all. Would he behave this way if you were there? He may not show up with younger women at various places, but he will have other behaviors that will have the same flavor of a lack of respect towards women, including towards you. Being in relationship with someone like this means that you are going to get triggered a lot. Your insecurities will come up quite a bit, because he really is not emotionally available, nor emotionally set up to be in a deeply loving and committed relationship. He may technically commit to you, but his eyes might wander to the woman next you a lot, he may disregard your feelings a lot, he may say one thing and do another a lot. He will sabotage connection and intimacy quite a bit, therefore leaving you to pick up the pieces a lot. You will not know how all of this really happens until you both are living in the same place again. Until then, you being far away makes it easy for him. He gets to do whatever he wants, when he wants without ever considering how it’s going to affect you. So it’s a good design for him for you to be far away. For you, you feel it would be easier, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt differently. It wouldn’t be anything he would admit to though. Do you know much about his past? I can’t remember if we talked about that yet. I’m curious is you have any idea as to what would contribute to his beliefs about women. I feel sad for him. He is only this way because he is protecting himself from being hurt. I have no doubt he has many redeeming qualities as well, I just think that he not necessarily relationship material…at least not for a deep, connective, sustainable kind of love. But he is available for more of surface type of connection and love. But it sounds like you are okay with that. As long as you keep showering him with compliments, keeping him sexually interested and make him feel like a hero in his life and your life, you have as good a chance than any to keep him engaged. Who knows where it will lead you and him, but that’s just the adventure of life, isn’t it?
Thoughts?
Heidi
You are asking some great questions. Truth is, every single person is different. Yes, it’s common for people to date more than 1 person. But there is a caveat…no one really talks about it, because it’s hurtful. Not the healthiest of designs is it? lol. I also know plenty of guys who just date 1 woman at a time. It all just depends on the personality type.
if he was a genuine guy looking for a genuine relationship, me leaving going overseas 3 months counting, what would be expected and “normal” to expect from him? Would a man automatically stop meeting/dating other women, not knowing if I would return to him? I wish there were a straightforward answer to this question, but it all just depends on the guy, his wounds, his background, his personality type and how strong the connection was with you. Generally speaking though, the guy would just stop dating everyone else naturally. He would be investing his thoughts, his energy, his efforts all towards you. If that doesn’t happen naturally, there are usually blocks of some sort…whether it be trauma from the past (like trust issues) or the connection isn’t strong enough to inspire a full commitment from him. Regardless, you want him to be monogamous because he WANTS to and it’s a natural progression for him vs. trying to push him into that space. That’s why I would suggest to just let those questions go. You only met for 2 weeks prior, he has major trust issues, he is known as a player, he still is in relationship with his ex and he is still hanging out with other women (even as friends – which is suspect). A guy like this will not be pushed or tolerate much questioning around his choices in life.
He has already told you he is not seeing anyone else. He has told you he is hanging out with female friends. I’m not sure what more you want from him? What is it that you are not getting from him exactly? A full on commitment? If yes, what exactly does that look like for you? How would you expect to come together again?
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Thank you for sharing your challenge. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. There definitely are a lot of layers happening here and this will not be an easy fix. He is still very angry and wants to blame you for how he is feeling. He has a victim mentality and everything he expressed in his text to you, shows me that what he is feeling existed in him loooong before you ever came along. He definitely is wanting to hold onto his anger very closely. The thing is, if he does not release his feelings from the past, there is no way for you both to move forward. Even if you guys got back together, the moment you do anything that has a similar feeling to it, he will INSTANTLY put a wall up again and push you away. As long as he carries this energy in him, there is no room for love to exist with you….or anyone for that matter. THose walls he is choosing to keep up is only going to keep love out.
What you can do, is have compassion for him. I’m not sure what you said in response to that text, but something like this would be helpful: “I am so sorry you feel like I made you less than me. I can understand why you would want to keep a wall up against me and I don’t blame you. I have messed up so many times with how I have treated you in the past and I wish I could undo all of it. I haven’t been a good partner to you, but I am learning. I am reading books, listening to podcasts, continuing to ask for advice from experts. I want to be better and truly want you to know that you matter so much to me. I don’t want to give up, but I also want to respect your wished. I only want you to be happy and if that means you will feel more happy away from me, then I must respect that. It’s not what I want, but I will respect what you desire. Again, I am just so sorry for all the hurt I have made you feel. I hope that someday you can forgive me.”
It’s real simple. When he expresses his anger, all he is really needing from you is validation. He doesn’t want to be told he is wrong. He just needs to be validated and feel heard by you.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I know it’s scary. It is NO FUN facing fears. You will soon discover that you are more than your fear. You are stronger than your fear. Fear is just there to let us learn something about ourselves. That’s it! Fear will always be with us, so once you get the hang of getting to know it, understand it and how to live with it in the BACK seat of your life, life will be much easier. You are going a great job!
Yes, stick to the same game plan. I love that he reached out about his pet. He is wanting to share something scary with you. He was being quite vulnerable and it’s good that it all ended on a good note. Keep waiting for him to contact you again. He will. In the meantime, you are working on facing your fears and dealing with the emotional triggers that are coming up for you. I would love to hear…what are you doing to work on yourself?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts and feelings. It’s all so beautiful! I know you are suffering, but over the years, I have learned to see the beauty and gifts in the suffering. I understand your thoughts of wanting to commit suicide. There is a part of you that wants to end the terrible pain so badly, that you would be willing to just end your life. I’ve been there before, as have many people. You are not alone in those kinds of thoughts. I’m glad to hear that your mom and brother are valuable enough in your life that you feel they are worth sticking around for. I guarantee you are more valued and loved than you even realize. I guarantee that your life matters on this earth, more than you realize. Being at this level of suffering, it ends up being all consuming. What are you doing to laugh? What are you doing to add the positive feelings into your life? I know for me, putting flowers around my house helps. Surrounding myself with dogs or even watching funny dog videos helps to elevate my mood. I know that going on hikes and getting into nature and seeing beauty is helpful! Right now, you need to fight for your life like crazy! Bombard yourself with goodness. Bombard yourself with things that expand your world. One time I bought a bouquet of roses and passed out 1 rose to 12 strangers and gave them compliments. WOW! What a powerful experience that was. The amount of love and gratitude I received in return was phenomenal. What can you do to serve/help others right now???
Let’s talk about these statements:
That is why I want to meetup to clear the misunderstanding. I know him well and I strongly feel that once I have cleared the misunderstanding, he would have a clearer perception and then when I give him all the space, he would start “missing” me. Otherwise, he would take it as I disrespected him by talking to his friends The truth is, you DID disrespect him. There is no misunderstanding here. Your intentions don’t matter. Your actions are what matter. You disrepsected him by not giving him space and trying to go through his friends.
I really want to show him that I am respectful of him wanting space but I wanna ensure that we are on each other’s good books. You have not been respectful. You have crossed every boundary he has tried to create for himself. You want him to believe that you are respectful, yet you want to go under cover so you can “spy” on him. The truth is, you are so enmeshed and don’t know who you are without him, that it’s driving you to cross all kinds of his boundaries. The truth is, you are not ready to be respectful.
It sounds crazy but I don’t know how to cope without going crazy. I really feel alone. I understand this feeling. It’s awful AND it’s not true. You CAN cope without him. You are NOT alone. You do have friends and family, you do have us here, you do have other people all around you that know what suffering feels like. You are not alone.
They are angry with me for not accepting reality and move on. But I don’t wanna take their words 100%, I wanna hear from him as well. You are not accepting the reality. You want to hear from him?? He has told you directly that he wanted space, but you have not honored that, therefore he has had to set up more boundaries.
I know you FEEL like you need to talk to him 1 more time in order for things to be okay. What you are not truly understanding is that your words are NOT going to matter right now. Your intentions DO NOT matter. What he will believe are your actions. There is no excuse in the world you could give him, that would make it okay that you went to his dad’s house looking for him, uninvited. There is no reason in the world that would make it okay to try to go through his friends to get to him. There is no reason in the world that makes it okay to dress up in disguise so you can watch him from afar. These are VERY BASIC fundamental social rules and lines that you are crossing. So what you say won’t matter to him. What you DO, will. If you really want him back, then stay away. Stop going to the places that bring up memories. You are only torturing yourself. Every day, you need to find ways to fill yourself with things that bring love and pleasure and joy into your life. Watch inspiring movies, listen to podcasts of motivational speakers, go on long walks in beautiful places, eat delicious foods, reach out to friends you haven’t talked to in awhile. You NEED to get your attention focused on all that you DO have and get it off of what you don’t have. That is what is going to get you through this. It’s a skill and one you will use for the rest of your life.
I know some of what I have said goes against everything that is in you and what you want to do. It ultimately is still your choice. You will learn. If you really feel you have to reach out and you cannot control that, then write a letter to him. Tell him what you would say to him in person and then send his way. You do not need to meet him in person.
Thoughts?
Heidi
