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Hey there,
I’m glad you got to talk with him. You got to say your side of things and I’m glad he was willing enough to listen. Do you feel better now?
Let’s talk about something things you mentioned:
Of course there would be a backstory to why they behaved like that but that really damaged him and I feel for him so much. However, I also feel that the breakup with me was uncalled for when we simply could have sat down and communicated with each other and worked things out together step by step. What it seems you haven’t quite grasped yet, is that he has a TON of baggage. HE IS THE ONE CHOOSING THESE WOMEN!! He has a pattern here and there no mistake in it. He seems to be attracted to women who get sooooo attached to him and then when he leaves, they threaten their lives because the loss of him is so great. And here you are, doing the same thing in a roundabout way. You have stalked him, you have been desperate for him, you have had thoughts of suicide, you are can’t imagine living your life without him. He somehow finds women who make him the source of their happiness. He will always sabotage, he will always end the relationship and he will always find someone to connect to that will bring more drama or intensity into his life. This is because of the baggage he carries. HE IS NOT EMOTIONALLY SET UP TO HAVE A HAPPY, EASY relationship!!! He will always sabotage it somehow.
He shared that he did not know how to open up to me when things were going well between us and he felt suffocated suppressing his emotions, which come out when he is drunk and he channels it straight to his ex. What are your thoughts on this?
I have found myself growing more anxious especially in social situations when I catch other men looking at me. I feel the need to be protected by him, to be known as his girlfriend. All these thoughts give me anxiety attacks almost everyday. This is interesting? How does he protect you? Are you in fear for your physical safety? Or are you just not wanting to deal with another man’s interest or attraction towards you?
I’m not sure if I am keeping my hopes high that the relationship would work out but it is getting more depressing that every passing day is a disappointment. I really would like to encourage you to find someone to help you through this time in your life. You have lost who you are. You have lost your own confidence. 100% of your happiness is wrapped up in him, so now it’s time for you to find it on your own. The relationship WILL NEVER work as long as you keep relying on him to make you feel safe, loved and happy. No relationship lasts when either person functions that way. Even if you were to get back together, you would end up right back here. I know you feel like you have lost everything and you have lost all of your happiness. That can change though! You CAN heal. You CAN laugh again, be playful, feel healed and totally okay without him in your life. It takes time and it takes some work, but it’s definitely possible. Life is soooooo much more than any relationship that is in our lives…or not in our lives. Life has a TON to offer us, if we say yes. Are you willing to find someone to help you navigate this really difficult time for you??? It will make a HUGE difference. THis is not something for you to do on your own.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
We are glad you are here! You are asking some great questions and have some incredible clarity and insight into your situation. You are SPOT ON with your assessment of what is happening. I am seeing all that is happening with COVID, affecting couples all over the place. It was brilliant of you to book a little staycation for him to give you guys a break. Heading into an open relationship situation, from the place of him feeling bored, stuck, trapped, limited….is asking for disaster and an ending to your relationship. It’s not clear energy or intention, therefore the outcome would be quite bleak.
What other things can you think of to do for yourself or him, that are separate from each other? Getting away from each other is really important and doing it on a consistent basis would be good for right now. Can you stay at a friend’s house sometimes? Is there a volunteer job you can do a few hours a week that would feel good for you? Is there another job he can look for that would fulfill him more financially and emotionally? What are you guys doing to laugh together and play together? Is there any kind of project you guys can begin and work together to create? What about planning a vacation together for 2022. Create some plans for the future that are exciting and something to look forward to.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! I’m going to address some of your thoughts and questions little bits at a time…hang in there!!!
Things were perfect between us until his ex started coming into the picture because of him. That’s the thing about love. It reveals what is deep inside of someone. Things can only be perfect for a period of time before someone’s baggage gets exposed. All that happened, was that it was time for his baggage to be exposed and it happened to be exposed through his ex. This was inevitable. The relationship is meant to fall apart because he is NOT emotionally set up to have a healthy, vibrant love that is deep and vulnerable. He is NOT emotionally set up to offer you what you want. You would have ended up at this point one way or the other. The baggage that lives within BOTH of you, is what ruins relationship. The people and events are what exposes the baggage, so again…this is not about anyone in his past who ruined him. He ruined himself by not working through his feelings. He is not a victim in his life. He has 100% choice to either face his fears, his hurts, his insecurities….or not. Just like you.
but do you think that only when I pick myself up and show that I don’t want the relationship, he would start fearing that he is actually going to lose me and chase me? Probably. It sounds like that is his pattern so far, but who knows. Either way, picking yourself up and getting stronger emotionally and building up your self esteem will bring you MANY MANY gifts.
He needs to heal and I really wanted to be part of his healing process by sending him for therapy to let go of his past. Unfortunately, he does not want me. He needs to work through this stuff on his own. It sounds like he is an alcoholic and it sounds like he is quite the miserable person. I have no doubt he has a TON of other amazing qualities as well. His darker side however, is big enough that it is causing a lot of problems.
but as a couple whenever we are together, we have the best times of our lives. We love each other so much and support each other through ups and downs. I’m sure you guys are amazing together, but you DO NOT support each other through ups and downs. That’s not who you guys are anymore. He has asked for space to work on himself, but truth be told…he isn’t. He is just falling into his usual patterns. I always tell people, that the person you pick to be on the inside of your sacred heart space, needs to be chosen by who they are in their worst moments, not their best. THe best parts are easy. The worst parts are not. In his worst, he drink, he cheats, he lies and he runs away from his feelings. A person like that will NEVER be a good teammate/partner in life. When things get tough, you have already witnessed what he does. If he doesn’t get help, he will only get worse over time. So no matter how amazing you are as a couple, you also are NOT. And who he is in his worst and who you are in your worst, it creates havoc, harm and causes a lot of drama. At the core foundation of your relationship, it’s not healthy and it’s destructive. BOTH of your behaviors have caused major disconnect. SO as much as you want him to heal, you need to heal as well.
Again, I do not suggest talking to him. I do suggest getting all your feelings out though. One thing I did during a really challenging breakup was talk into my recorder. I would be in my car and all kinds of thoughts and feelings would show up, so I would say it out loud into my recorder as if he were right next to me. I can’t tell you how helpful that was!!! It’s CRUCIAL to get all your feelings expressed, but doing it in a healthy and safe way. SOme days I would cry and tell him how much I missed him and loved him and some days I was so angry and would say some seriously nasty things. It was great!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
1. It’s nature AND nurture that makes him who he is. We each come into this world with specific personality traits and emotional makeup. Then when challenge shows up in our lives as children, we store it and react to it in different ways. We each respond to challenge in various ways in order to cope and survive whatever is happening as children. Our coping mechanisms serve us and help us while growing up, but when we become adults, our coping mechanisms end up hindering us. It’s at that point, we have a choice as to how we want to deal with things. People either deal with them, work on them and release the past or they just keep using their coping mechanism and never really get beyond them. So he is arrogant, immature and has a strong male desire because he is stunted emotionally AND it’s an expression of his coping mechanism. When trauma occurs, it stays in state specific form. That means, if I experience rejection at 2 years old, my mind will store it with a 2 year old mentality. It stores the smells, the sounds, the feelings etc…all as a 2 year old. That’s why, in general, therapist refer to the “inner child.” The inner “child” is the one holding on the all the memories and the hurt that surrounds them. So if someone is arrogant (which is just insecurity and emotional fragility) and immature, that just tells you there is A LOT of stuck emotion from when they were in their formative, young years. Does this make sense?
2. From what you have told me, he needs to “conquer” and he sources his self-esteem a lot through women. You are unavailable sometimes emotionally and you are also overseas. I also imagine that there is part of you that brings out the best in him and he likes how that feels. The problem is that he needs to feel that about himself without you around. My guess is the moment you come back and become a daily part of his life, he will sabotage the relationship in various ways. He is not emotionally set up to have deep, authentic intimacy that a healthy love requires. So I ask you this…does it really matter why he wants more with you? The more that he wants from you, is not coming from a place of clarity and authenticity. It comes from a place of needing to conquer and needing to get his dose of self esteem. So the question really is….what is in you, that you would want to fight for a man who is not able to offer you the kind of love and connection you desire? That’s where your child energy is controlling your life and not your adult energy. Your child energy is chasing after a man who is emotionally unavailable. Does it matter why he is this way…not really. It’s just who he wants to be. There is something familiar about that for you. Look into your past and see where in your life you dealt with role models (parents, teachers, older siblings etc.) that were not emotionally available for you. Thoughts?
3. You cannot have any kind of friendship or business relationship with this guy as long as there are any feelings involved. If he wants more, then there is no friendship. He is someone you need to stay away from for awhile. Let him get over you completely and let yourself get over him completely. THEN…when you both have reached that neutral place with each other, you can be friends and any type of business relationship can be clear and more healthy. Again, as long as any sexual desire or want for more exists, friendship or business partners on any level will not work. Eventually, it will cause a lot of chaos and drama.
Heidi
You are close! With as much as you are working, the time should fly by. Before you know it, you will be heading home. You will get to have a lot of your life back…friends, activities and beauty! I’m really excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Sheron,
Can you share any more information as to why you feel he might be cheating? Are you guys talking at all? You said you feel like a roommate. Have you tried to talk to him about what you both can do to heal the relationship? How do you guys live every day together? Is it uncomfortable and weird or do you guys have fun together at all, or do you ignore each other and just be parents?
Heidi
Hi Gail,
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Is this typical of him? Meaning, does he tend to not forgive easily? Does he tend to hold onto grudges? Is this a pattern of his? Are you guys officially broken up? Are you on talking terms at all? Does he ever reach out to connect with you or are you doing all the initiating?
Depending on where you guys are at, will depend on the kind of favor you ask for. Does he have any hobbies? Does he have any special skillset or extensive knowledge about anything?
You can start simply and just ask for advice about something. It wouldn’t be an in person thing, but if you guys are not really talking right now, that’s the place you want to start. If you guys are talking and an in person favor is very doable, you can think about asking him to fix something if he is handy. If he is a good editor, have him look at something you wrote. You can ask him to help you move something, if he is a good cook, ask him to help you with a complicated recipe. Does this give you some ideas of how to ask for a favor?
Heidi
Yikes!!!! That’s tough!!!
Every state here is different. Each state and determine their regulations. I had one client who went to Oklahoma for a few days and said everything was open. Most people were wearing masks, but some weren’t, but other than that…everything was normal. Then I have a friend in California that’s completely on lockdown. I’m on Colorado and we are somewhere in the middle. No curfews though. Places are open but limited capacity. Everyone wears masks. There are plenty of people outside though doing hikes and their normal activities without masks. So far, where I live, the numbers are going down.
How are the vaccines doing out there? Are they being administered really well? Here…it’s mainly frontline workers and people over 65 that are the first ones to receive it. And then of course the new strains are being exposed. So crazy, right?
I totally get you being bored with conversations. It’s going to take quite a special guy to catch your attention and keep you engaged over technology.
Glad to hear your grandparents are doing okay!
Heidi
hahahaha!` Do you know how many men say the same thing about women? If I were to compare, I would definitely say women are so much more confusing…lol! Women are so much more dynamic and layered and complex and when you add that to a man’s mind…goodness! We put them in overload ALL THE TIME!!! Haha!
It’s really simple with Dean. Just reply back saying “Oh! We are a match?? How fun!! I actually could see how we would get along really well. I wonder what you’re going to do about that ;)” That’s a little flirty, but if you don’t want to be flirty, you could just say “Oh that’s so interesting!!! How fun! I’m so excited to come home! The first thing I’m going to do is go on a loooong hike and smell the forest. If you were away for along time, what would be the first thing you would want to do upon your return?”
ARe you attracted to Dean? I can’t remember.
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
I’m glad you are connecting to the truth that you are not to blame for who he chooses to be. That’s an important step towards growth!!
let’s talk about this a bit: I could only think of the good times, happy memories, how we used to be as a couple. I always teach people that the success of a relationship is determined by how people treat each other in their worst moments, not their best moments. SO you could have the most amazing connection and love when things are good, but when things get tough – if respect and connection and caring for each other does not exist and abusive behavior, ghosting, stonewalling etc. shows up – that acts like a cancer in any relationship. So as good as you guys have been, you guys are ALSO not healthy at the very core, foundation of your relationship. Safety needs to exist. You don’t feel safe to be yourself with him. Do you REALLY think that you can have an open heart of connection and love with a man you inherently don’t feel safe with??
On the other hand, I knew I did him wrong and the endless thought of “what ifs”, “if only”,” I wish” keep haunting me day & night. You BOTH have done each other wrong in many ways. Welcome to relationship! It’s a given that each person is going to cause hurt, just by being human. It’s okay! What makes it all redeemable is that you learn and grow and shift your behaviors and become a better partner. I’ll tell you right now, even IF you hadn’t been passive aggressive with him, it DOES NOT CHANGE that at the core of who he is, his father’s approval is more important to him than anything in the world. It drives him into action and behaviors that support what he lives for. He has a lot of core wounds and programming that have shaped his beliefs about women and relationships. You really think that if you had been a better communicator or a better partner, that all those lifelong programs would be gone??? No way! It’s IN HIM and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for the beliefs he came into the relationship with. They were all there loooong before you came along. The only way he will be successful in a relationship is if he finds a woman who aligns with his values and has similar programming. That’s a better match for him. You did NOT grow up with that programming, so it’s NOT YOUR FAULT that things have turned out how they have. You both came to the table with inherently different beliefs about love and relationship and those core beliefs don’t match, no matter how amazing you guys got along. What is happening now was inevitable.
I can’t stand a thought of him being with another woman or moving on without me. Valentine is coming up, our anniversary, etc. I feel like losing a part of my identity, the dream, the hope , the future that I’ve imagined with him in it. I feel like a failure .. I understand. This is sooooo hard. It does feel like losing a part of yourself. That’s what a breakup is. He will move onto another woman and he will move on without you. But you know what??? You will too! I know that right now, you can’t even imagine it, but time will help you heal. I always suggest to align with a therapist or coach to help you through difficult times like this. You are stronger than you think. HE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!!! Yes, you have to face the loss of your dreams and hopes of the future you created with him. THat’s actually the hardest part. It’s painful for sure. But what is your other choice? You can stay and constantly be rejected and de-valued and blamed by him. That’s neverending…your pain and hurt will never stop. Or you can face this and start to deal with the loss of your dreams and actually have an ending to the pain. Either way is painful, but the latter will end, because you will allow yourself to heal.
Here is a good analogy I like to use. Imagine I give you the most amazing recipe to bake a cake. I give you all the highest quality ingredients, but I also say you have to add 1 cup of poop. Yep! That’s right…1 cup of poop. So….you think you can make that cake taste amazing as long as you have 1 cup of poop as part of the ingredients? No way! That’s what your relationship is like. You have a lot of amazing ingredients, but you also have dysfunction that he is not really willing to work through with you (the 1 cup of poop). No matter what you do Huyen, you cannot make your relationship what you want as long as that dysfunction exists. Why? because it takes 2 people. You could correct every last thing you did to hurt him, but as long as he is not owning up to his side of things and willing to heal his cup of poop, the relationship will ALWAYS be limited and harmful, mostly towards you. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Sheron,
If he was not being connective with you, what would make you want to beg for his attention? What is making you want to fight for a guy who is clearly not a good partner?
Heidi
Hi Gail,
Welcome! How about you share a little more detail about what you are trying to figure out. It will help us guide you better when we know some of the details about your situation.
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your need to say something to him. You feel like you have never felt before and that makes those feelings extremely powerful! I think you need to do what you need to do in order for you to feel peaceful and resolved inside. To go from seeing each other once every few months is a big leap to step into something committed. Do you know what that looks like for you? Everyone has variations about what it means to be committed, so what is it that you would want from him? More contact? More meetups? More communication? Being monogamous? It’s important to be very clear about that before sharing your feelings.
What do you want to say to him? Go ahead and write it all out here and let’s sift through what is most important to say. With a guy like this, it’s important to be quite succinct and not overwhelm him with too many thoughts and feelings to the point that he shuts down.
You can even just suggest meeting up more frequently and use that as a stepping stone and getting him used to thinking about you more. Have you tried that approach yet?
Heidi
Hi Chelsea,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You are in a really tough situation, because of the distance.
I’m glad you were able to re-connect, but I know it’s not the design you really want.
It’s going to be a slow and subtle process, so you will need some patience. I would suggest to very slowly start to expand your conversation with him. Keep it light though. Start to build the friendship back up again and start to share about yourself or ask him a question that will take you away from the sex talk. Does this make sense?
I know you don’t want to lose him, but you are in a really tough spot. First, you barely know the guy. Second, he is interested in connecting with you but on through sex and that will make you feel used. Third, you are trying to build a relationship through technology, which is extremely limited. No matter what anyone says or how they feel or how many times they have video talked, you truly don’t know someone until you have seen them in their daily life. Here you are, going to all of this effort trying to get him back, with a sliver of information about who he really is. I know you feel connected to him, but he is not on the same page as you. You may have messed it up because of the stress you are under, but have you ever thought that maybe you were being saved from a HUGE mess this guy would bring into your life? He might be verbally or physically abusive when he is angry. He might be a rude person to other people. He might weigh heavily on the narcissistic side. He might be a horrible communicator. He might be a player. All of things you would not know just by talking to him. You both are sharing the best parts of yourself without seeing any of it in action. Just something to consider before you try to get this guy back and give him your heart.
Heidi
