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Hi Ecaterina,
Welcome! I’m glad you are asking this question.
I think what he is wanting is to see if he is attracted to you AS A PERSON. He wants to see if you guys have good conversations, are able to have fun together, are able to have common interests etc. Sex is easy, but the other stuff needs to be developed more. That’s what dating is for….you spend time together, create memories together, talk a lot, laugh a lot, learn about each other and then sex is just a VERY SMALL part of it…at least ideally. It sounds like sex has been the main focus and over developed. Am I seeing your situation accurately?
Do not push sexual tension…be flirty and have fun, but maybe have more patience. Spend time together WITHOUT sex. Talk on the phone, play games together, ask a lot of questions about him and learn about who he is as a person. Time will tell, just he said. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
It sounds like there are a lot of layers that are affecting your relationship. Feelings about money, feelings about sex, feelings about being social etc.
There are a lot of things to work out, but what needs to happen first and foremost, is to find common ground. You guys NEED to have fun together. What do you guys do to bond? How do you typically have fun together, if Covid didn’t exist? What common ground do you guys build your relationship off of? Meaning…what do you guys have in common that brings you together and keeps you bonding with each other?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
What an interesting situation you are in. I can see why you are drawn to him. It sounds like he has VERY specific goals he wants/needs to reach before he opens himself up to anyone. It’s sad. He is really missing out on having some amazing love and connection along the way. The thing is, you cannot change his mind. He needs things to be HIS way, so it’s important for you to just accept this about him. He has all kinds of reasons and excuses, but the reality is, they “goals” are just ways to keep love out. He someone learned or decided that he was not worthy of love unless he achieved certain things. This is a program that sounds pretty engrained in his psyche. It’s layered and far from simple how he believes, but what you do know is that it’s not going to change.
You are the only one who can decide when and if you need to walk away. There will be a point where you reach your level of tolerance and you will have a very tough decision to make. You will either keep accepting his way of things or will you decide that his way is harmful for your heart and it’s time for you to move on. With how much you have become a part of his life, the loss of you might actually inspire him to step out of his “program” and decide that he wants you in his life. If he doesn’t fight for you, that just means he is choosing to align with the “program” he carries. It would have nothing to do with you.
Basically, this is about you….not him. As long as you keep aligning with his way of things, you get to keep him in your life. But love does not mean that you love someone at the expense of yourself. The moment you are choosing to connect over your own needs, your desires, your wants, you have lost yourself…that is not love. That is you choosing connection and love for someone else over loving yourself…and that will only lead you down a path of resentment, hurt, anger etc. When it is a healthy love…that means that loving the other person is ALSO loving yourself….it’s honoring your needs, your wants, your desires, your vision and that 100% co-exists with honoring their needs, wants, desires and vision. One is not more important than the other. One does not exist over the other.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone slip through your fingers. It’s awful.
I wish I had something different to say, but the reality is, he made the right choice to end things and decide to get help. There is something emotionally happening for him. He has an emotional block and he knows it. Those emotional blocks are things only HE can deal with, so I’m glad he is finally getting a therapist to help him navigate that. There is no convincing him of anything. Imagine that years ago (as a child) he got a GIANT cut. It got sewed up, but a small infection still lived in there. Over the years, the infection grew little bits at a time. The bigger the infection grew, the more he started to feel it and it started affecting his life. The infection has gotten so big now, that it’s time for him to find an “emotional surgeon” to help him carefully open it back up again and clean out the infection. He will sew it back up and then be available to live his life again.
He is in a VERY crucial space right now. He needs to be single while he opens that wound. Whatever is in there, it’s full of lies, hurt, fear and a lot of tears and anger. It’s VERY uncomfortable touching into that space and working with it. Your relationship was still in the baby stages, so it’s best for him to go this alone.
The best thing for you to do is to just stay friends with him. Care enough about him to let him go and trust his process. He knows himself better than you know him, so when he is saying he broken and unable to feel love…BELIEVE HIM!!! He knows what he is talking about. Trying to convince him otherwise is completely disregarding what he knows about himself. Trust him. It’s time for you to move on. This breakup is NOT about anything that was wrong with the relationship. It’s about the baggage he carries inside himself that prevents him from feeling deeply for someone. That is out of your control. So accept him for who he is and support him by being a good friend as he searches for his therapist. Who knows…if he really finds a good person to help him, he may turn to you when his heart finally feels ready to open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
1. I can’t understand though why and from what this deep disrespect to women comes from, other than getting used to escorts I presume, not having to put in effort to describe things in short… It’s not your job to try and understand why he is this way. You never will. He is the only one that has those kinds of answers and I doubt he even knows. Your job is to notice his patterns/behaviors and make decisions as to whether or not you want to accept and participate with those patterns. The “why” does not matter.
2. this guy came very unexpectedly to have similarities with him and unfortunately, I fell very hard for him before realizing it. I would,presume I have deeper abandonment issues than him in short.. Gosh…I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. It’s an incredible amount of struggle. No wonder why you have attached yourself to this guy. He is familiar to you. This is what is called “trauma bonding.” It basically means the feelings of attraction and connection and “love” so to speak are coming from a place of trauma and not from a clear place of attraction and connection. This happens all of the time! I have seen in in myself so many times. I remember 1 guy in particular where we had and INCREDIBLE connection. We could talk for hours. Our chemistry was off the charts. However, he was bipolar, he carried a TON of anger, he didn’t respect/value women and full of fear. We never went further than just talking because I KNEW he was not what I wanted to invite into my life. I KNEW part of me was attracted to him because of what an ***hole he was (me being used to emotionally unavailable men due to my father). Man, was it POWERFUL though!!! It took everything in me to separate and to stop feeding it. It took a while, but eventually I completely separated and feel like I avoided a HUGE catastrophe and TONS of drama in my life. I had to love myself more than those feelings of connection. Believe me, it was a VERY HARD choice because those chemicals of attraction felt amazing!
3. And I think the biggest issue is, I have too strong feelings for him and although I know it can’t work, my heart keeps wanting it to.. becoming friends is in a way about not loosing him. You are in the same situation I was that I mentioned above. You are dealing with a STRONG attraction towards a guy who will only bring chaos into your life. This attraction is being sourced by your past traumas NOT true love. True love that is worth pursuing and fighting for, DOES NOT bring chaos, disrespect and a ton of drama into your life. A clear, healthy attraction means that having the other person in ENHANCE your life. They make your life better. They are safe to be vulnerable with. They feel safe to be vulnerable with you. There is an agreement to go deep together and nothing is stopping that. There is kindness and respect on ALL levels. There is care and concern on ALL levels.
4. About this upcoming trip, I’ve asked 3 times now why he is going so far, I’ve gotten 3 different answers.. how to go about this? He is simply not being honest for some reason… Again, does it matter? Remember who you are dealing with. He will NEVER be 100% open and honest with you, because that is not who he is. You keep asking him because you are feeling insecure and I have no doubt he feels that. He will not respond to that kind of energy. Let it go. He gets to be whoever he wants to be. You cannot control him.
5. And honestly why did he come after me to be his girlfriend, to just ruin it when he is so lone.y, makes no sense, I really don’t understand this guy to be honest A guy like this is going to be highly impulsive. He will do what he wants and feels in the moment. So what will feel true for him one day, will change the next. This guy’s life is a rollercoaster ride. It makes perfect sense what he is doing. It’s his way of keeping himself entertained and engaged in life, it’s his way of seeking connection without really offering connection, it’s his way of putting himself in a bubble that makes him feel safe. Not a single person will ever get inside that bubble. If anyone tries to enter, they will get cut from his life or they will learn to be okay living outside of it. He is 100% in control of everything…at least he has built his life to be that way. It’s an illusion of course. It’s all because he is wanting to avoid being disappointed and hurt. Is he aware of all that he is doing? Who knows. Again, it doesn’t matter. He gets to be this way. Your job is accept him and then decide if you want to join him on his journey. You will be rejecting yourself by that choice, but we all have done and learn our lessons….or not. Everyone is different.
Heidi
Hey there,
I’m glad you got to talk with him. You got to say your side of things and I’m glad he was willing enough to listen. Do you feel better now?
Let’s talk about something things you mentioned:
Of course there would be a backstory to why they behaved like that but that really damaged him and I feel for him so much. However, I also feel that the breakup with me was uncalled for when we simply could have sat down and communicated with each other and worked things out together step by step. What it seems you haven’t quite grasped yet, is that he has a TON of baggage. HE IS THE ONE CHOOSING THESE WOMEN!! He has a pattern here and there no mistake in it. He seems to be attracted to women who get sooooo attached to him and then when he leaves, they threaten their lives because the loss of him is so great. And here you are, doing the same thing in a roundabout way. You have stalked him, you have been desperate for him, you have had thoughts of suicide, you are can’t imagine living your life without him. He somehow finds women who make him the source of their happiness. He will always sabotage, he will always end the relationship and he will always find someone to connect to that will bring more drama or intensity into his life. This is because of the baggage he carries. HE IS NOT EMOTIONALLY SET UP TO HAVE A HAPPY, EASY relationship!!! He will always sabotage it somehow.
He shared that he did not know how to open up to me when things were going well between us and he felt suffocated suppressing his emotions, which come out when he is drunk and he channels it straight to his ex. What are your thoughts on this?
I have found myself growing more anxious especially in social situations when I catch other men looking at me. I feel the need to be protected by him, to be known as his girlfriend. All these thoughts give me anxiety attacks almost everyday. This is interesting? How does he protect you? Are you in fear for your physical safety? Or are you just not wanting to deal with another man’s interest or attraction towards you?
I’m not sure if I am keeping my hopes high that the relationship would work out but it is getting more depressing that every passing day is a disappointment. I really would like to encourage you to find someone to help you through this time in your life. You have lost who you are. You have lost your own confidence. 100% of your happiness is wrapped up in him, so now it’s time for you to find it on your own. The relationship WILL NEVER work as long as you keep relying on him to make you feel safe, loved and happy. No relationship lasts when either person functions that way. Even if you were to get back together, you would end up right back here. I know you feel like you have lost everything and you have lost all of your happiness. That can change though! You CAN heal. You CAN laugh again, be playful, feel healed and totally okay without him in your life. It takes time and it takes some work, but it’s definitely possible. Life is soooooo much more than any relationship that is in our lives…or not in our lives. Life has a TON to offer us, if we say yes. Are you willing to find someone to help you navigate this really difficult time for you??? It will make a HUGE difference. THis is not something for you to do on your own.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
We are glad you are here! You are asking some great questions and have some incredible clarity and insight into your situation. You are SPOT ON with your assessment of what is happening. I am seeing all that is happening with COVID, affecting couples all over the place. It was brilliant of you to book a little staycation for him to give you guys a break. Heading into an open relationship situation, from the place of him feeling bored, stuck, trapped, limited….is asking for disaster and an ending to your relationship. It’s not clear energy or intention, therefore the outcome would be quite bleak.
What other things can you think of to do for yourself or him, that are separate from each other? Getting away from each other is really important and doing it on a consistent basis would be good for right now. Can you stay at a friend’s house sometimes? Is there a volunteer job you can do a few hours a week that would feel good for you? Is there another job he can look for that would fulfill him more financially and emotionally? What are you guys doing to laugh together and play together? Is there any kind of project you guys can begin and work together to create? What about planning a vacation together for 2022. Create some plans for the future that are exciting and something to look forward to.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! I’m going to address some of your thoughts and questions little bits at a time…hang in there!!!
Things were perfect between us until his ex started coming into the picture because of him. That’s the thing about love. It reveals what is deep inside of someone. Things can only be perfect for a period of time before someone’s baggage gets exposed. All that happened, was that it was time for his baggage to be exposed and it happened to be exposed through his ex. This was inevitable. The relationship is meant to fall apart because he is NOT emotionally set up to have a healthy, vibrant love that is deep and vulnerable. He is NOT emotionally set up to offer you what you want. You would have ended up at this point one way or the other. The baggage that lives within BOTH of you, is what ruins relationship. The people and events are what exposes the baggage, so again…this is not about anyone in his past who ruined him. He ruined himself by not working through his feelings. He is not a victim in his life. He has 100% choice to either face his fears, his hurts, his insecurities….or not. Just like you.
but do you think that only when I pick myself up and show that I don’t want the relationship, he would start fearing that he is actually going to lose me and chase me? Probably. It sounds like that is his pattern so far, but who knows. Either way, picking yourself up and getting stronger emotionally and building up your self esteem will bring you MANY MANY gifts.
He needs to heal and I really wanted to be part of his healing process by sending him for therapy to let go of his past. Unfortunately, he does not want me. He needs to work through this stuff on his own. It sounds like he is an alcoholic and it sounds like he is quite the miserable person. I have no doubt he has a TON of other amazing qualities as well. His darker side however, is big enough that it is causing a lot of problems.
but as a couple whenever we are together, we have the best times of our lives. We love each other so much and support each other through ups and downs. I’m sure you guys are amazing together, but you DO NOT support each other through ups and downs. That’s not who you guys are anymore. He has asked for space to work on himself, but truth be told…he isn’t. He is just falling into his usual patterns. I always tell people, that the person you pick to be on the inside of your sacred heart space, needs to be chosen by who they are in their worst moments, not their best. THe best parts are easy. The worst parts are not. In his worst, he drink, he cheats, he lies and he runs away from his feelings. A person like that will NEVER be a good teammate/partner in life. When things get tough, you have already witnessed what he does. If he doesn’t get help, he will only get worse over time. So no matter how amazing you are as a couple, you also are NOT. And who he is in his worst and who you are in your worst, it creates havoc, harm and causes a lot of drama. At the core foundation of your relationship, it’s not healthy and it’s destructive. BOTH of your behaviors have caused major disconnect. SO as much as you want him to heal, you need to heal as well.
Again, I do not suggest talking to him. I do suggest getting all your feelings out though. One thing I did during a really challenging breakup was talk into my recorder. I would be in my car and all kinds of thoughts and feelings would show up, so I would say it out loud into my recorder as if he were right next to me. I can’t tell you how helpful that was!!! It’s CRUCIAL to get all your feelings expressed, but doing it in a healthy and safe way. SOme days I would cry and tell him how much I missed him and loved him and some days I was so angry and would say some seriously nasty things. It was great!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
1. It’s nature AND nurture that makes him who he is. We each come into this world with specific personality traits and emotional makeup. Then when challenge shows up in our lives as children, we store it and react to it in different ways. We each respond to challenge in various ways in order to cope and survive whatever is happening as children. Our coping mechanisms serve us and help us while growing up, but when we become adults, our coping mechanisms end up hindering us. It’s at that point, we have a choice as to how we want to deal with things. People either deal with them, work on them and release the past or they just keep using their coping mechanism and never really get beyond them. So he is arrogant, immature and has a strong male desire because he is stunted emotionally AND it’s an expression of his coping mechanism. When trauma occurs, it stays in state specific form. That means, if I experience rejection at 2 years old, my mind will store it with a 2 year old mentality. It stores the smells, the sounds, the feelings etc…all as a 2 year old. That’s why, in general, therapist refer to the “inner child.” The inner “child” is the one holding on the all the memories and the hurt that surrounds them. So if someone is arrogant (which is just insecurity and emotional fragility) and immature, that just tells you there is A LOT of stuck emotion from when they were in their formative, young years. Does this make sense?
2. From what you have told me, he needs to “conquer” and he sources his self-esteem a lot through women. You are unavailable sometimes emotionally and you are also overseas. I also imagine that there is part of you that brings out the best in him and he likes how that feels. The problem is that he needs to feel that about himself without you around. My guess is the moment you come back and become a daily part of his life, he will sabotage the relationship in various ways. He is not emotionally set up to have deep, authentic intimacy that a healthy love requires. So I ask you this…does it really matter why he wants more with you? The more that he wants from you, is not coming from a place of clarity and authenticity. It comes from a place of needing to conquer and needing to get his dose of self esteem. So the question really is….what is in you, that you would want to fight for a man who is not able to offer you the kind of love and connection you desire? That’s where your child energy is controlling your life and not your adult energy. Your child energy is chasing after a man who is emotionally unavailable. Does it matter why he is this way…not really. It’s just who he wants to be. There is something familiar about that for you. Look into your past and see where in your life you dealt with role models (parents, teachers, older siblings etc.) that were not emotionally available for you. Thoughts?
3. You cannot have any kind of friendship or business relationship with this guy as long as there are any feelings involved. If he wants more, then there is no friendship. He is someone you need to stay away from for awhile. Let him get over you completely and let yourself get over him completely. THEN…when you both have reached that neutral place with each other, you can be friends and any type of business relationship can be clear and more healthy. Again, as long as any sexual desire or want for more exists, friendship or business partners on any level will not work. Eventually, it will cause a lot of chaos and drama.
Heidi
You are close! With as much as you are working, the time should fly by. Before you know it, you will be heading home. You will get to have a lot of your life back…friends, activities and beauty! I’m really excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Sheron,
Can you share any more information as to why you feel he might be cheating? Are you guys talking at all? You said you feel like a roommate. Have you tried to talk to him about what you both can do to heal the relationship? How do you guys live every day together? Is it uncomfortable and weird or do you guys have fun together at all, or do you ignore each other and just be parents?
Heidi
Hi Gail,
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Is this typical of him? Meaning, does he tend to not forgive easily? Does he tend to hold onto grudges? Is this a pattern of his? Are you guys officially broken up? Are you on talking terms at all? Does he ever reach out to connect with you or are you doing all the initiating?
Depending on where you guys are at, will depend on the kind of favor you ask for. Does he have any hobbies? Does he have any special skillset or extensive knowledge about anything?
You can start simply and just ask for advice about something. It wouldn’t be an in person thing, but if you guys are not really talking right now, that’s the place you want to start. If you guys are talking and an in person favor is very doable, you can think about asking him to fix something if he is handy. If he is a good editor, have him look at something you wrote. You can ask him to help you move something, if he is a good cook, ask him to help you with a complicated recipe. Does this give you some ideas of how to ask for a favor?
Heidi
Yikes!!!! That’s tough!!!
Every state here is different. Each state and determine their regulations. I had one client who went to Oklahoma for a few days and said everything was open. Most people were wearing masks, but some weren’t, but other than that…everything was normal. Then I have a friend in California that’s completely on lockdown. I’m on Colorado and we are somewhere in the middle. No curfews though. Places are open but limited capacity. Everyone wears masks. There are plenty of people outside though doing hikes and their normal activities without masks. So far, where I live, the numbers are going down.
How are the vaccines doing out there? Are they being administered really well? Here…it’s mainly frontline workers and people over 65 that are the first ones to receive it. And then of course the new strains are being exposed. So crazy, right?
I totally get you being bored with conversations. It’s going to take quite a special guy to catch your attention and keep you engaged over technology.
Glad to hear your grandparents are doing okay!
Heidi
hahahaha!` Do you know how many men say the same thing about women? If I were to compare, I would definitely say women are so much more confusing…lol! Women are so much more dynamic and layered and complex and when you add that to a man’s mind…goodness! We put them in overload ALL THE TIME!!! Haha!
It’s really simple with Dean. Just reply back saying “Oh! We are a match?? How fun!! I actually could see how we would get along really well. I wonder what you’re going to do about that ;)” That’s a little flirty, but if you don’t want to be flirty, you could just say “Oh that’s so interesting!!! How fun! I’m so excited to come home! The first thing I’m going to do is go on a loooong hike and smell the forest. If you were away for along time, what would be the first thing you would want to do upon your return?”
ARe you attracted to Dean? I can’t remember.
Heidi
