Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hey there! No worries about your English! i understand you easily! I’m glad you are feeling better! Let’s talk a little more….
Just sometimes i feel like i am obsessed with him and it disturbs me from seeing the real situation and analizing it. I don’t even understand what do i want. Anytime obsession shows up, it lets you know you are out of balance and there something very unhealthy happening. Obsession with someone and a situation means it’s activating something MUCH DEEPER in you that is being triggered in your subconscious. That obsession you feel sometimes, is NOT love, is NOT attraction, but rather something that is similar to having a drug addiction, except it’s with emotions and a person and not an actual drug. This is something to really pay attention to in yourself. If you spend some time with it, feel it, slow yourself and ask yourself when it happens, “What is this obsession about? What would happen if I didn’t reach out right now and I just felt this obsession? What am I afraid of if this doesn’t work? What EXACTLY am I being obsessed with?” Get to know that feeling instead of letting it control you.
I am just trying to decode this phrase. After this I asked if there is anything in me that obviously disturbs him. He said “don’t look for a reason”. I just don’t know if i am overthinking it. It’s a pointless waste of energy to try and decode a phrase like this. You ARE overthinking it, but what you want to then ask yourself, “why am I so determined to decode this phrase? What does this phrase mean to me?” The truth is, whatever it is that he says, is only good for the moment anyway and does not mean it will be true tomorrow or the next day or a month later. People are ALWAYS changing, depending on what happens in their lives, so what is true 1 moment does NOT guarantee it’s true for the next. People make wedding vows ALL THE TIME and years later they are divorced. THings change, so what he said does not matter. What you are looking for are ACTIONS to align with his WORDS. You wants his actions and words to align naturally, without you trying to force anything or even try to figure anything out. Let him SHOW YOU, in his own way, what he wants and desires. If it’s not enough for you, then you have a decision to make. He gets to be him, you get to be you and sometimes, it’s not enough of a match to get things going…sometimes it is. It’s as simple as that.
THoughts?
Heidi
At the same time, I feel like yelling at him for doing this to me in hopes of lashing out all the anger and hurt I am holding onto. Remember that all that you are feeling began YEARS ago. He just happens to be the person who is triggering all of your baggage. It’s not kind, nor just, nor effective to put all of your hurts onto him. It’s not for him to deal with. He is the easy and current target, of course. What are some healthier ways that you can get all that you are feeling right now, moving and shifting and changing? I’ve sent you SEVERAL resources to look up to help you with this. It’s time for you to take responsibility and start fighting for your life!
Hence there are really alot of things on my plate and I literally feel so exhausted that I feel like going to an open field to scream and cry and end everything. Listen….You need some support and you need it NOW. He cannot help you with all that you are dealing with. There are soooo many community programs, groups, state sponsored therapists. You could even call the suicide hotline and you will get some help that way. Soooooo much of you is going out and not enough is going in. You cannot keep living this way and you are not meant to. If you have any money at all that you can spare, you need to be spending it on saving your life. You are drowning right now and you need a life preserver to be thrown to you. There is help EVERYWHERE you look. You are NOT ALONE in how you feel. You just need to get some help, learn new skills and start to feel like there is hope again and that, in and of itself will bring a lot of great change in your life.
I suggested that after we meet, we should call his friends and that ex-date to have a face to face confrontation so that everyone is aware of the truth and not hold on to perceptions I STRONGLY STRONGLY suggest you do not do this!!! This is between you and your ex ONLY. Bringing friends and even her into this mess is just going to make it worse and frankly, they DO NOT need to be involved. Whoever is lying, whether it be his ex or him, is not something that is going to get figured out by having a group chat!! Not a single one of you is qualified or skilled at handling a group conversation full of emotions and feelings. Why does anyone else need to be involved anyways? AGain, this is an issue between you and him ONLY! Friends and family are there as support ONLY and NOT meant to have a front row seat to you guys solving your problems. Does this make sense? Keep your relationship sacred and private and figure this out on your own. Thoughts?
Okay then….what are you doing to nourish yourselves as a couple then? ARe you still playing tennis? Are you still having conversations about common interests and goals? Are you having designated movie nights? Are you talking and dreaming about HOW to create a better work life balance? What about new places to explore?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
Impulsiveness IS fun! It’s definitely exciting and creates a lot of adventure and entertainment. It’s also unstable, unpredictable and can cause a lot of harm and chaos. Everything has 2 sides. It’s a great strength to be able to be impulsive…until it’s not. All our strengths are ALSO our weaknesses, depending on the situation. An unhealthy kind of impulsiveness is actually child energy that is stuck. The most someone lives impulsively, the more child energy/wounded energy they carry.
As far as narcissism, there is a range. Instead of calling him a narcissist (which really, only a qualified therapist would be able to diagnose something like that – but from what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like he is) you want to say he has narcissistic tendencies. The degree to which someone has those tendencies, varies as well. The more wounds, the stronger the tendency. I am that way as well. When I had more emotional baggage, my tendencies were MUCH stronger. Now, I am much more in balance. The real definition of narcissism is “Meeting the needs of self at the expense of others” and to the opposite, co-dependence is “Meeting the needs of others at the expense of self” So usually the stronger the narcissistic tendencies, the more likely they will attract a co-dependent. Neither quality is bad or wrong. Both qualities are actually VERY important and healthy to have. There ARE times you are going to say yes to someone else, at the expense of yourself and not to others and yes to yourself. It’s HEALTHY! It’s just when these qualities become out of balance, that it becomes damaging and a barrier to a relationship. So to answer your question, yes. He can express hurt, loneliness and care for people AND when he is under stress, he can also show narcissist tendencies. If he had super strong tendencies, leaning more towards being an actual personality disorder, he would not be expressing loneliness, weakness or care for people.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Let’s talk about something you said:
now it looks to me like i just destroyed everything, and i have no idea how to fix it now that we have no opportunity to spend time together. It is NEVER any one person’s fault when disconnection happens. You did NOT destroy anything and there is nothing to “fix.” He participates in what is happening as well, so he is just as much responsible for what is happening right now. I know you want him to crave for your love, but that is something that has come from him freely and naturally and nothing you would want to even try to manipulate from him. Don’t you want a guy who freely offers that to you? Don’t you want a guy that has NOTHING stopping him from connecting with you? You felt that in the beginning, but now something has shifted. What is stopping you from just asking him? Are there plans to visit each other again anytime soon?
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
What’s the update? How are you guys doing? Are you guys interacting a lot? What’s happening?
Let’s specifically talk about your fear of not getting a commitment from him. First, it’s important for you to understand that any level of commitment is an illusion of safety. You essentially are looking for safety and that’s not a bad thing. We all NEED that in a relationship. A healthy person though, would create safety in themselves first. My guess is, you maybe have not felt safe to vulnerable and open with men. Is there anything from your past where maybe this was created? A father who was not present? A mother who was overbearing? A teacher who shamed you? Anything you can think of?
Heidi
Hey there!
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to watch someone you love slowly slip through your fingers. Let’s see if we can figure this out.
How you felt about him talking to that married woman, what SPOT ON!!! He was being VERY inappropriate and so was she. Even if nothing happened physically, how much they were interacting makes it an inevitable thing.
I just want to invite you to think about something on a deeper level. You are in your 2nd year of being with him, yes? You are seeing how he is handling stress with you. Instead of fighting for what his needs were, he got distant and decided to connect with another woman and then eventually decided to end things – because he is too afraid of you leaving again. First, this is something you cannot promise. You have a job to do and that may require you to leave again. Second, his fear is not for YOU to fix by soothing him and telling him it won’t happen again….what if it does? You don’t necessarily have control over that. It’s HIS job to face his fear and that is something he is not willing to do. He would rather end the relationship than to fight for it. This is something VERY important for you to see about him. HE WOULD RATHER END THE RELATIONSHIP THAN FACE HIS FEAR. He is showing you who he is right now. My guess is, this is his pattern. My guess is, he is not very good at communicating how he feels, what he needs and he may be that kind of guy that holds everything in. I don’t know. Is this how he deals with his stress? Does he have a tendency to hold it in a lot? Do you ever feel like you have to pull information out of him? What is his pattern?
I have no doubt he loves you, but essentially what is happening is that his fear is SOOOO big, that it wins over his love for you. It’s a battle between his fear and his love for you. I also imagine having connected with this other woman made the situation worse and caused his feelings to diminish with you and transfer over to her. It’s sad really…it’s all an illusion that he playing into and he will soon discover that.
Yes, the no the contact rule could work. Right now, he is not feeling the FULL effect of his choice to breakup. You guys are still talking. Stepping away and allowing him to feel the REAL absence of you in his life, will give him a HUGE wake up call and this is sooooo important for him to feel. Sometimes it will inspire the person to want to get back together and sometimes it will inspire the person to run further away. Everyone is different. Either way, you will get more information about who he is, and that important. You heart is sacred and deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and love and that means choosing a partner who treats your heart that way. Let’s see what he chooses to do.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Shoot….I’m sorry to hear that! Well, why not write out the text you want to send him about asking for help. We can help you construct that. When was this last text “thinking of you” sent?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your desire to talk with him in person about his feelings. I understand your desire of wanting more. Are you prepared to walk away though? If he is NOT willing to commit, what does that mean for you?
From what you’ve said, it does sound like he has feelings and thoughts about you, but obviously not strong enough to change how he interacts with you. With the way his schedule is, having a “girlfriend” might feel like too much in his life. For a guy, having a “girlfriend” means he has someone extra to think about and take care of. Women…our natural instinct is to feel excited to have someone we get to connect deeper with. Even though he doesn’t need to “take care” of you, that’s how men think. He will feel more pressure to make time for you. He will feel more pressure to communicate more, which doesn’t sound like he is very good at. Regardless of his feelings, I imagine the idea of committing to someone right now in his life feels like it may stretch him in ways he may not be ready to stretch. So this is where you need to be SUPER clear. I would suggest to not ask for a commitment right now, but instead ask to see him more than what is happening right now. My guess is, that is a step he would feel more open to. But where you need to be clear for yourself, is what you are willing to do and not do. If he doesn’t agree through words and ACTIONS, then are you willing to walk away? This is about you knowing your limitations. It’s important that you do not sacrifice your own needs and desires just so you can stay connected to this guy. That’s where you lose yourself. He may not be willing to give more than what he does right now. You need to ask yourself…is this loving to myself if I choose to keep participating in this design of connection on HIS terms? Is this loving to me to continue seeking after connection with a guy who is emotionally unavailable? Let the answer to those questions be your guide as you try to move forward with him.
As far as creating a time to talk about these things, would it not be a normal thing to ask him to an early breakfast like you mentioned? I personally understand his challenge with his schedule. That happens to me 90% of the time where I schedule something social and somehow, a work thing shows up. It gets SUPER frustrating that I feel like I can’t commit, regardless of people’s flexibility. It doesn’t feel good FOR ME. My guess is he feels the same, so maybe there is another way around it. I don’t know. That would be something to talk with him about.
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Welcome! I’m glad you are asking this question.
I think what he is wanting is to see if he is attracted to you AS A PERSON. He wants to see if you guys have good conversations, are able to have fun together, are able to have common interests etc. Sex is easy, but the other stuff needs to be developed more. That’s what dating is for….you spend time together, create memories together, talk a lot, laugh a lot, learn about each other and then sex is just a VERY SMALL part of it…at least ideally. It sounds like sex has been the main focus and over developed. Am I seeing your situation accurately?
Do not push sexual tension…be flirty and have fun, but maybe have more patience. Spend time together WITHOUT sex. Talk on the phone, play games together, ask a lot of questions about him and learn about who he is as a person. Time will tell, just he said. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
It sounds like there are a lot of layers that are affecting your relationship. Feelings about money, feelings about sex, feelings about being social etc.
There are a lot of things to work out, but what needs to happen first and foremost, is to find common ground. You guys NEED to have fun together. What do you guys do to bond? How do you typically have fun together, if Covid didn’t exist? What common ground do you guys build your relationship off of? Meaning…what do you guys have in common that brings you together and keeps you bonding with each other?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
What an interesting situation you are in. I can see why you are drawn to him. It sounds like he has VERY specific goals he wants/needs to reach before he opens himself up to anyone. It’s sad. He is really missing out on having some amazing love and connection along the way. The thing is, you cannot change his mind. He needs things to be HIS way, so it’s important for you to just accept this about him. He has all kinds of reasons and excuses, but the reality is, they “goals” are just ways to keep love out. He someone learned or decided that he was not worthy of love unless he achieved certain things. This is a program that sounds pretty engrained in his psyche. It’s layered and far from simple how he believes, but what you do know is that it’s not going to change.
You are the only one who can decide when and if you need to walk away. There will be a point where you reach your level of tolerance and you will have a very tough decision to make. You will either keep accepting his way of things or will you decide that his way is harmful for your heart and it’s time for you to move on. With how much you have become a part of his life, the loss of you might actually inspire him to step out of his “program” and decide that he wants you in his life. If he doesn’t fight for you, that just means he is choosing to align with the “program” he carries. It would have nothing to do with you.
Basically, this is about you….not him. As long as you keep aligning with his way of things, you get to keep him in your life. But love does not mean that you love someone at the expense of yourself. The moment you are choosing to connect over your own needs, your desires, your wants, you have lost yourself…that is not love. That is you choosing connection and love for someone else over loving yourself…and that will only lead you down a path of resentment, hurt, anger etc. When it is a healthy love…that means that loving the other person is ALSO loving yourself….it’s honoring your needs, your wants, your desires, your vision and that 100% co-exists with honoring their needs, wants, desires and vision. One is not more important than the other. One does not exist over the other.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone slip through your fingers. It’s awful.
I wish I had something different to say, but the reality is, he made the right choice to end things and decide to get help. There is something emotionally happening for him. He has an emotional block and he knows it. Those emotional blocks are things only HE can deal with, so I’m glad he is finally getting a therapist to help him navigate that. There is no convincing him of anything. Imagine that years ago (as a child) he got a GIANT cut. It got sewed up, but a small infection still lived in there. Over the years, the infection grew little bits at a time. The bigger the infection grew, the more he started to feel it and it started affecting his life. The infection has gotten so big now, that it’s time for him to find an “emotional surgeon” to help him carefully open it back up again and clean out the infection. He will sew it back up and then be available to live his life again.
He is in a VERY crucial space right now. He needs to be single while he opens that wound. Whatever is in there, it’s full of lies, hurt, fear and a lot of tears and anger. It’s VERY uncomfortable touching into that space and working with it. Your relationship was still in the baby stages, so it’s best for him to go this alone.
The best thing for you to do is to just stay friends with him. Care enough about him to let him go and trust his process. He knows himself better than you know him, so when he is saying he broken and unable to feel love…BELIEVE HIM!!! He knows what he is talking about. Trying to convince him otherwise is completely disregarding what he knows about himself. Trust him. It’s time for you to move on. This breakup is NOT about anything that was wrong with the relationship. It’s about the baggage he carries inside himself that prevents him from feeling deeply for someone. That is out of your control. So accept him for who he is and support him by being a good friend as he searches for his therapist. Who knows…if he really finds a good person to help him, he may turn to you when his heart finally feels ready to open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
1. I can’t understand though why and from what this deep disrespect to women comes from, other than getting used to escorts I presume, not having to put in effort to describe things in short… It’s not your job to try and understand why he is this way. You never will. He is the only one that has those kinds of answers and I doubt he even knows. Your job is to notice his patterns/behaviors and make decisions as to whether or not you want to accept and participate with those patterns. The “why” does not matter.
2. this guy came very unexpectedly to have similarities with him and unfortunately, I fell very hard for him before realizing it. I would,presume I have deeper abandonment issues than him in short.. Gosh…I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. It’s an incredible amount of struggle. No wonder why you have attached yourself to this guy. He is familiar to you. This is what is called “trauma bonding.” It basically means the feelings of attraction and connection and “love” so to speak are coming from a place of trauma and not from a clear place of attraction and connection. This happens all of the time! I have seen in in myself so many times. I remember 1 guy in particular where we had and INCREDIBLE connection. We could talk for hours. Our chemistry was off the charts. However, he was bipolar, he carried a TON of anger, he didn’t respect/value women and full of fear. We never went further than just talking because I KNEW he was not what I wanted to invite into my life. I KNEW part of me was attracted to him because of what an ***hole he was (me being used to emotionally unavailable men due to my father). Man, was it POWERFUL though!!! It took everything in me to separate and to stop feeding it. It took a while, but eventually I completely separated and feel like I avoided a HUGE catastrophe and TONS of drama in my life. I had to love myself more than those feelings of connection. Believe me, it was a VERY HARD choice because those chemicals of attraction felt amazing!
3. And I think the biggest issue is, I have too strong feelings for him and although I know it can’t work, my heart keeps wanting it to.. becoming friends is in a way about not loosing him. You are in the same situation I was that I mentioned above. You are dealing with a STRONG attraction towards a guy who will only bring chaos into your life. This attraction is being sourced by your past traumas NOT true love. True love that is worth pursuing and fighting for, DOES NOT bring chaos, disrespect and a ton of drama into your life. A clear, healthy attraction means that having the other person in ENHANCE your life. They make your life better. They are safe to be vulnerable with. They feel safe to be vulnerable with you. There is an agreement to go deep together and nothing is stopping that. There is kindness and respect on ALL levels. There is care and concern on ALL levels.
4. About this upcoming trip, I’ve asked 3 times now why he is going so far, I’ve gotten 3 different answers.. how to go about this? He is simply not being honest for some reason… Again, does it matter? Remember who you are dealing with. He will NEVER be 100% open and honest with you, because that is not who he is. You keep asking him because you are feeling insecure and I have no doubt he feels that. He will not respond to that kind of energy. Let it go. He gets to be whoever he wants to be. You cannot control him.
5. And honestly why did he come after me to be his girlfriend, to just ruin it when he is so lone.y, makes no sense, I really don’t understand this guy to be honest A guy like this is going to be highly impulsive. He will do what he wants and feels in the moment. So what will feel true for him one day, will change the next. This guy’s life is a rollercoaster ride. It makes perfect sense what he is doing. It’s his way of keeping himself entertained and engaged in life, it’s his way of seeking connection without really offering connection, it’s his way of putting himself in a bubble that makes him feel safe. Not a single person will ever get inside that bubble. If anyone tries to enter, they will get cut from his life or they will learn to be okay living outside of it. He is 100% in control of everything…at least he has built his life to be that way. It’s an illusion of course. It’s all because he is wanting to avoid being disappointed and hurt. Is he aware of all that he is doing? Who knows. Again, it doesn’t matter. He gets to be this way. Your job is accept him and then decide if you want to join him on his journey. You will be rejecting yourself by that choice, but we all have done and learn our lessons….or not. Everyone is different.
Heidi
