Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
The best thing to do for right now then, is to give him more space. You have reached out plenty and he is being polite, but now it’s time to feel his life without you completely. Are you willing to not text him at all for awhile?
Heidi
Again, how you respond to him really depends on what you want. Are you ready to completely let go or are you wanting to still try and work things out with him?
I bet that what he texted you, made you at least feel good.
Heidi
These are great questions! Let’s get you on a path so you have a direction vs. feeling lost.
In essence, self love looks like this: Knowing yourself, your needs, your desires, your core values and then make choices that support yourself. That means boundaries are crucial. For example, I KNOW that I am worth hearing and being listened to. I KNOW that my feelings and experiences matter, no matter crazy they may appear to someone else. If someone is not able to provide space for me to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences and if they are not good listeners, they do not get to know me in that way. If I want them to be in my life, they will be on the very outside of it and it will be a relationship that will remain surface. My boundary that I am setting for myself is me not opening up to them, sharing my personal thoughts and experiences and I will not pursue a deeper experience with them. That is me loving myself and not allowing someone to know my heart when they are not capable of holding it very well. Does this make sense?
There is A LOT more to say on this subject. I could write for hours, but I just want to do little pieces at a time so we can work through this together.
Here is a book I LOVE and may resonate for you that can help with this path. If it doesn’t resonate for you, let us know. THere are a MILLION more books, videos etc. that are amazing guides on this subject.
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Yikes! You are really going through A LOT!!!
First, I want to make sure I am clear with you, because depending on what you want, will depend on the guidance I give you.
If you are done with the relationship and are okay releasing it, moving out and letting go completely, then let me know.
If you are still wanting to try and work things out, it’s a different approach….one you won’t like, but one that will help bring him back to you. If this is what you want, let me know.I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s really tough and awful and there are sooooo many things you are learning from this experience, but through some pretty tough ways. Hang in there! You can do this! I absolutely know ways to keeps the peace for the next 3 months if you are ready to let go of him and get out of the house.
Heidi
Let’s talk about this:
My hope is, that when the world is more normal, if I do have to walk away I will be fully in a place to find healthy love. I want to invite you to think about that finding a healthy love means you are loving yourself MORE than anyone or anything. You choose yourself. So as long as you are staying in your pattern of choosing connection and choosing him at the expense of yourself, you are not open to finding a healthy love.
I so wish he’d fight for me if we got to that point, but I am not confident he would, as I think his patterns are deeply ingrained. What you are wanting him to do for you, which is fight for you, is something YOU need to fulfill in yourself first and foremost. How you treat yourself is how others will treat you. You cannot ask for something from someone else that is not in you first. Meaning, if you are not fighting for self love, setting standards and boundaries, honoring your needs, then you cannot expect that he would.
And if, somehow, I don’t have to walk away I have still ensured that I am in a place to help create something amazing with this man (in past relationships I know I have been guilty of anxious attachment. Here is the fantasy you are trapped in. There is NOTHING amazing that this man can offer you. You are looking into the future and using hope to keep you connected vs. really connecting to WHAT IS. Who he is today, in this moment, shows you he is not capable of offering you a deep, loving, committed, expansive, nourishing, vibrant love that is growing and growing and expanding. Deal with reality vs. hope. Deal with what is vs. what could be. I know this is harsh, but it is what is caring and loving towards yourself AND him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! No worries about your English! i understand you easily! I’m glad you are feeling better! Let’s talk a little more….
Just sometimes i feel like i am obsessed with him and it disturbs me from seeing the real situation and analizing it. I don’t even understand what do i want. Anytime obsession shows up, it lets you know you are out of balance and there something very unhealthy happening. Obsession with someone and a situation means it’s activating something MUCH DEEPER in you that is being triggered in your subconscious. That obsession you feel sometimes, is NOT love, is NOT attraction, but rather something that is similar to having a drug addiction, except it’s with emotions and a person and not an actual drug. This is something to really pay attention to in yourself. If you spend some time with it, feel it, slow yourself and ask yourself when it happens, “What is this obsession about? What would happen if I didn’t reach out right now and I just felt this obsession? What am I afraid of if this doesn’t work? What EXACTLY am I being obsessed with?” Get to know that feeling instead of letting it control you.
I am just trying to decode this phrase. After this I asked if there is anything in me that obviously disturbs him. He said “don’t look for a reason”. I just don’t know if i am overthinking it. It’s a pointless waste of energy to try and decode a phrase like this. You ARE overthinking it, but what you want to then ask yourself, “why am I so determined to decode this phrase? What does this phrase mean to me?” The truth is, whatever it is that he says, is only good for the moment anyway and does not mean it will be true tomorrow or the next day or a month later. People are ALWAYS changing, depending on what happens in their lives, so what is true 1 moment does NOT guarantee it’s true for the next. People make wedding vows ALL THE TIME and years later they are divorced. THings change, so what he said does not matter. What you are looking for are ACTIONS to align with his WORDS. You wants his actions and words to align naturally, without you trying to force anything or even try to figure anything out. Let him SHOW YOU, in his own way, what he wants and desires. If it’s not enough for you, then you have a decision to make. He gets to be him, you get to be you and sometimes, it’s not enough of a match to get things going…sometimes it is. It’s as simple as that.
THoughts?
Heidi
At the same time, I feel like yelling at him for doing this to me in hopes of lashing out all the anger and hurt I am holding onto. Remember that all that you are feeling began YEARS ago. He just happens to be the person who is triggering all of your baggage. It’s not kind, nor just, nor effective to put all of your hurts onto him. It’s not for him to deal with. He is the easy and current target, of course. What are some healthier ways that you can get all that you are feeling right now, moving and shifting and changing? I’ve sent you SEVERAL resources to look up to help you with this. It’s time for you to take responsibility and start fighting for your life!
Hence there are really alot of things on my plate and I literally feel so exhausted that I feel like going to an open field to scream and cry and end everything. Listen….You need some support and you need it NOW. He cannot help you with all that you are dealing with. There are soooo many community programs, groups, state sponsored therapists. You could even call the suicide hotline and you will get some help that way. Soooooo much of you is going out and not enough is going in. You cannot keep living this way and you are not meant to. If you have any money at all that you can spare, you need to be spending it on saving your life. You are drowning right now and you need a life preserver to be thrown to you. There is help EVERYWHERE you look. You are NOT ALONE in how you feel. You just need to get some help, learn new skills and start to feel like there is hope again and that, in and of itself will bring a lot of great change in your life.
I suggested that after we meet, we should call his friends and that ex-date to have a face to face confrontation so that everyone is aware of the truth and not hold on to perceptions I STRONGLY STRONGLY suggest you do not do this!!! This is between you and your ex ONLY. Bringing friends and even her into this mess is just going to make it worse and frankly, they DO NOT need to be involved. Whoever is lying, whether it be his ex or him, is not something that is going to get figured out by having a group chat!! Not a single one of you is qualified or skilled at handling a group conversation full of emotions and feelings. Why does anyone else need to be involved anyways? AGain, this is an issue between you and him ONLY! Friends and family are there as support ONLY and NOT meant to have a front row seat to you guys solving your problems. Does this make sense? Keep your relationship sacred and private and figure this out on your own. Thoughts?
Okay then….what are you doing to nourish yourselves as a couple then? ARe you still playing tennis? Are you still having conversations about common interests and goals? Are you having designated movie nights? Are you talking and dreaming about HOW to create a better work life balance? What about new places to explore?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
Impulsiveness IS fun! It’s definitely exciting and creates a lot of adventure and entertainment. It’s also unstable, unpredictable and can cause a lot of harm and chaos. Everything has 2 sides. It’s a great strength to be able to be impulsive…until it’s not. All our strengths are ALSO our weaknesses, depending on the situation. An unhealthy kind of impulsiveness is actually child energy that is stuck. The most someone lives impulsively, the more child energy/wounded energy they carry.
As far as narcissism, there is a range. Instead of calling him a narcissist (which really, only a qualified therapist would be able to diagnose something like that – but from what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like he is) you want to say he has narcissistic tendencies. The degree to which someone has those tendencies, varies as well. The more wounds, the stronger the tendency. I am that way as well. When I had more emotional baggage, my tendencies were MUCH stronger. Now, I am much more in balance. The real definition of narcissism is “Meeting the needs of self at the expense of others” and to the opposite, co-dependence is “Meeting the needs of others at the expense of self” So usually the stronger the narcissistic tendencies, the more likely they will attract a co-dependent. Neither quality is bad or wrong. Both qualities are actually VERY important and healthy to have. There ARE times you are going to say yes to someone else, at the expense of yourself and not to others and yes to yourself. It’s HEALTHY! It’s just when these qualities become out of balance, that it becomes damaging and a barrier to a relationship. So to answer your question, yes. He can express hurt, loneliness and care for people AND when he is under stress, he can also show narcissist tendencies. If he had super strong tendencies, leaning more towards being an actual personality disorder, he would not be expressing loneliness, weakness or care for people.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Let’s talk about something you said:
now it looks to me like i just destroyed everything, and i have no idea how to fix it now that we have no opportunity to spend time together. It is NEVER any one person’s fault when disconnection happens. You did NOT destroy anything and there is nothing to “fix.” He participates in what is happening as well, so he is just as much responsible for what is happening right now. I know you want him to crave for your love, but that is something that has come from him freely and naturally and nothing you would want to even try to manipulate from him. Don’t you want a guy who freely offers that to you? Don’t you want a guy that has NOTHING stopping him from connecting with you? You felt that in the beginning, but now something has shifted. What is stopping you from just asking him? Are there plans to visit each other again anytime soon?
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
What’s the update? How are you guys doing? Are you guys interacting a lot? What’s happening?
Let’s specifically talk about your fear of not getting a commitment from him. First, it’s important for you to understand that any level of commitment is an illusion of safety. You essentially are looking for safety and that’s not a bad thing. We all NEED that in a relationship. A healthy person though, would create safety in themselves first. My guess is, you maybe have not felt safe to vulnerable and open with men. Is there anything from your past where maybe this was created? A father who was not present? A mother who was overbearing? A teacher who shamed you? Anything you can think of?
Heidi
Hey there!
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to watch someone you love slowly slip through your fingers. Let’s see if we can figure this out.
How you felt about him talking to that married woman, what SPOT ON!!! He was being VERY inappropriate and so was she. Even if nothing happened physically, how much they were interacting makes it an inevitable thing.
I just want to invite you to think about something on a deeper level. You are in your 2nd year of being with him, yes? You are seeing how he is handling stress with you. Instead of fighting for what his needs were, he got distant and decided to connect with another woman and then eventually decided to end things – because he is too afraid of you leaving again. First, this is something you cannot promise. You have a job to do and that may require you to leave again. Second, his fear is not for YOU to fix by soothing him and telling him it won’t happen again….what if it does? You don’t necessarily have control over that. It’s HIS job to face his fear and that is something he is not willing to do. He would rather end the relationship than to fight for it. This is something VERY important for you to see about him. HE WOULD RATHER END THE RELATIONSHIP THAN FACE HIS FEAR. He is showing you who he is right now. My guess is, this is his pattern. My guess is, he is not very good at communicating how he feels, what he needs and he may be that kind of guy that holds everything in. I don’t know. Is this how he deals with his stress? Does he have a tendency to hold it in a lot? Do you ever feel like you have to pull information out of him? What is his pattern?
I have no doubt he loves you, but essentially what is happening is that his fear is SOOOO big, that it wins over his love for you. It’s a battle between his fear and his love for you. I also imagine having connected with this other woman made the situation worse and caused his feelings to diminish with you and transfer over to her. It’s sad really…it’s all an illusion that he playing into and he will soon discover that.
Yes, the no the contact rule could work. Right now, he is not feeling the FULL effect of his choice to breakup. You guys are still talking. Stepping away and allowing him to feel the REAL absence of you in his life, will give him a HUGE wake up call and this is sooooo important for him to feel. Sometimes it will inspire the person to want to get back together and sometimes it will inspire the person to run further away. Everyone is different. Either way, you will get more information about who he is, and that important. You heart is sacred and deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and love and that means choosing a partner who treats your heart that way. Let’s see what he chooses to do.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Shoot….I’m sorry to hear that! Well, why not write out the text you want to send him about asking for help. We can help you construct that. When was this last text “thinking of you” sent?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your desire to talk with him in person about his feelings. I understand your desire of wanting more. Are you prepared to walk away though? If he is NOT willing to commit, what does that mean for you?
From what you’ve said, it does sound like he has feelings and thoughts about you, but obviously not strong enough to change how he interacts with you. With the way his schedule is, having a “girlfriend” might feel like too much in his life. For a guy, having a “girlfriend” means he has someone extra to think about and take care of. Women…our natural instinct is to feel excited to have someone we get to connect deeper with. Even though he doesn’t need to “take care” of you, that’s how men think. He will feel more pressure to make time for you. He will feel more pressure to communicate more, which doesn’t sound like he is very good at. Regardless of his feelings, I imagine the idea of committing to someone right now in his life feels like it may stretch him in ways he may not be ready to stretch. So this is where you need to be SUPER clear. I would suggest to not ask for a commitment right now, but instead ask to see him more than what is happening right now. My guess is, that is a step he would feel more open to. But where you need to be clear for yourself, is what you are willing to do and not do. If he doesn’t agree through words and ACTIONS, then are you willing to walk away? This is about you knowing your limitations. It’s important that you do not sacrifice your own needs and desires just so you can stay connected to this guy. That’s where you lose yourself. He may not be willing to give more than what he does right now. You need to ask yourself…is this loving to myself if I choose to keep participating in this design of connection on HIS terms? Is this loving to me to continue seeking after connection with a guy who is emotionally unavailable? Let the answer to those questions be your guide as you try to move forward with him.
As far as creating a time to talk about these things, would it not be a normal thing to ask him to an early breakfast like you mentioned? I personally understand his challenge with his schedule. That happens to me 90% of the time where I schedule something social and somehow, a work thing shows up. It gets SUPER frustrating that I feel like I can’t commit, regardless of people’s flexibility. It doesn’t feel good FOR ME. My guess is he feels the same, so maybe there is another way around it. I don’t know. That would be something to talk with him about.
Heidi
