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very smart by the way!!! You caught the subtext in what he was saying. Most people are not that aware. Well done!!
I’m a little confused.
You say this: To be completely honest with you, I want to try one last time. BUT ONLY IF he is willing to work through this with me.
Then you say this: I don’t want a mediocre relationship. I dont want to go back to a toxic marriage. So yes, I’m ready to let go.
He is NOT going to change. He is NOT going to work through this WITH you. It’s either his way or no way. His words and his actions support this kind of thinking. Is this something you are able to accept 100%? And that means there is NO chance you are working through this with him. You are saying goodbye in your mind and heart 100%. Yes? No?
Heidi
I’m glad you guys had a more calm/peaceful talk. This is good! How are you feeling about it all now? I’m glad you guys are deciding not to do a group chat about everything. Whatever this girl is doing, you all are giving her waaaaay too much power and attention in your lives and that is by YOURS AND HIS choice, not hers.
She is like readily available for him all the time. At this point I just stared at him and asked him “Does this make you feel good about yourself? I got no comments”. He just stared at me blankly. This, in and of itself is all that is needed to know this guy IS NOT able to be in relationship with a woman in a healthy way. Deep down, at the core of who he is, he DOES NOT respect women. He sleeps with prostitutes and uses his ex for sex. He finds women who feel bad enough about themselves that they allow themselves to be used by him. It’s an agreement between both parties. As long as he stays with that mindset and that kind of behavior without ever addressing what is causing him to participate with women this way…he will NEVER be a good partner. Do YOU feel okay being with a guy who uses women this way? You asked him how that makes him feel, but what about you? You are chasing after a guy who doesn’t respect, care for, value, appreciate female energy. Thoughts?
I’m excited for you to find a therapist and really dig in to help you heal through this! Good job!!! Not many take this path. Most are like your guy…not willing to look at themselves, allow someone else to see them and really face their pain. You are taking a harder path, but a path that has MANY rewards waiting for you!!!!
Heidi
Adventure seeking is a bit different than impulsivity. Being impulsive means you have to have what you want now. An impulsive person is more about hedonism. Fulfilling their every desire and it comes from external sources….subtances, sex, food, gambling etc. Being impulsive is healthy sometimes, but there is a line that is crossed where it starts to cause harm. So being impulsive, in and of itself, is not bad or wrong. It’s all about the energy sourcing the need to be impulsive. Few people slow down enough to check in with themselves to see WHY they are needing to be impulsive – especially if it is a behavior that is a lower vibration – like one night stands, spending money you don’t have etc. Being adventurous is a different energy. That’s about having fun and yes, requires someone to be impulsive sometimes – to have a last minute, unplanned adventure. To me, that’s more of a personality trait. But again, this can head into extremes where someone’s needs for adventure could actually be magnified as a way of needing higher and higher levels of stimulation to avoid something or to feel something. Everyone is different. So you guys have a similar way of enjoying life….through adventure. The amount of impulsiveness someone has, is more about the child mentality of a 2ish year. They want what they want and NOW and they LITERALLY feel like they won’t be okay without it….hence the tantrums! If that phase is not properly developed, the psyche can get stunted at that age and plays out in adulthood. Does this make more sense? It’s the adult that says “I know you want this, but right now I am going to say no. It’s not appropriate, it’s not the right time, it’s not kind etc. so right now, we are not going to do that.” In a developed, mature psyche, that adult energy would come up and “tame” that child’s needs. When the roles are reversed and the child is in control, impulsivity can become a way of life. Does this help?
How do you express your needs? I”m not sure the level of narcissism you are dealing with, as I have no personal experience, but in general, you want to think about making him the hero of you. The more he is “worshipped” the easier it will be to get your needs met…AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT GO AGAINST him. Meaning….expect NOT to get your needs met unless he feels he WANTS to help and feels it will serve him somehow…so you have to present your needs in that specific way. My father is an actual narcissistic personality disorder. So in my younger years (20’s) I learned how to manage him VERY well…which is the best you can do with someone like that. I made sure we stayed on a very specific topics (money, business, politics, exercise). Every time I hung out with him, I NEVER strayed from these topics and I made sure that I always asked him for advice within these categories. That’s the “worship” part. I made him feel like his opinion mattered to me and I always responded with “Oh wow…I never thought of that. THat’s quite brilliant etc.” (even though that wasn’t how I felt). It was the ONLY way we could connect. SO when I needed something from him, I had to somehow turn it into needing advice…so I’d say “Dad, I’m having a hard time figuring this out…what do you think.” Or “Dad, you said this the other day and it confused me, so help me understand more…” Understanding and ACCEPTING who my father was, I also KNEW that my core needs will NEVER be met, so I knew as long as I was in a relationship with him, it would be on HIS terms only. Occasionally my methods of “managing” would create a big explosion between us, but it was what it was. My father, of course, is much more extreme compared to your guy, but you still use the same concept. You make him the hero while asking him for what you need. If you give me an example of something you want to ask for from him, I can give a more specific example of how to ask for it. But again, remember that if it goes outside of his comfort zone, you are out of luck getting what you want from him. Make sense?
I get it re narcissistic traits, I have to admit, reading through your “Unavailable or confused” memo, I have a very hard time to determine, which one he is. I’m not sure what exactly you are confused about. He is both. He has 2 sides to him that are constantly doing battle. One side desires connection and deep love and another side protects him from that. Whoever is in the driver’s seat, is the one who is in control….and that can change moment to moment. That’s why one day he might be vulnerable and open and another day, shopping around for more women to make him look good. Does this better explain it?Heidi
Okay! NO problem….here are a few other resources. They’ve all written amazing books and have other offerings as well….if these people don’t resonate, let us know! There are more! 🙂
https://www.debbieford.com/
https://brenebrown.com/
https://drjoedispenza.com/This website is a platform for all things healing.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your confusion. It’s normal to try and figure out every little detail to create understanding so we can figure out how to make changes. I’d like to invite you to help your mind rest. How about working with the idea of just letting things be the way they are for right now. The past is the past. Focus on today. Focus on being the very person you can possibly be…because in the end, that’s all that really matters anyways. Sometimes our best is not enough to get us what we want and sometimes it is. The more you keep trying to “figure things out” the more you are just going to let your mind conjure up stories…stories that are most likely not true. Can you be okay NOT knowing? Can you be comfortable just letting it be whatever it was and let it stay in the past and just focus on right now?
What if you sent him something like this on your birthday….but make it true for you first vs. making this something to say…”I decided to make my birthday a day of connecting to those people who have contributed to making my life worth celebrating. You, of course, are at the top of my list. I know you are needing space right now, so know that this message is truly just coming from my heart without any attachment. Having you in my life has made me a better person. I am more open, I get to experience a different kind of love, I get to feel myself become stronger from the inside because you inspired that from me……and so on.”
How does saying something like that feel for you? And I suggest you do that for everyone you are inspired by. Dedicate your birthday as a day of telling those that you value and appreciate how much they mean to you and it’s a way of celebrating your life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Brigid
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us and coming to us for help. Let’s see what we can do. I’m curious…how old are you? Have you ever loved someone and been in a long term relationship?
First, I just want to say that I love that you got to feel all those amazing feelings with him. I can see why you got all wrapped up in him. I’m thinking that he broke things off because he felt like it was just moving way too fast for him. Besides you saying that you loved him, he probably felt like he was the ONLY good thing in your life and he was EVERTHING to you. My guess is, that’s true. That’s an incredible amount of pressure for a guy to feel. It sounds like he was your only source of happiness. Is this correct? Do you have friends that you love to be with? What kinds of things do you do for fun in your life? What do you love about your life?
I’m thinking that one of the ways to get this guy back, is to SLOW DOWN a TON and develop other areas of your life. Develop your joy and happiness outside of him. When you tell a guy you love him, within so little time, it’s a good time for him to run. You opened the flood gates of your heart to a guy you barely know and that is something guys will be SUPER CAUTIOUS of. Love comes with TIME and lots of experience with each other. He didn’t really have to do anything to earn that VERY SACRED part of you. You so freely gave him your love, which to guys, can mean “needy and high maintenance.”
I’m going to say something you probably will not like to hear. You BARELY know him. You have created a HUGE fantasy around who you think he is and the life you could have together, with hardly any REAL information about him. Here is one of the most important things for you to remember when decided who gets to have your heart: you pick that person based on who they are in their WORST moments, not their best moments. Meaning, how do they treat you, themselves and others when they are under extreme stress, feeling hurt, angry etc. Are they respectful? Are they connective? Or do they get abusive on any level? Do they disconnect and ghost? How is their communication? How is their emotional intelligence? Do they play the victim or do they take responsibility for what is happening? This is the FOUNDATION of any relationship and will determine whether something will last or not and whether it will be a healthy functioning relationship. You obviously have had the most amazing time with him. But imagine how it would get completed jaded if you discovered he becomes verbally abusive or critical of you when you do something that offends him, crosses him or hurts him. Imagine that he might disappear and not talk to you for a few days. All of a sudden you are realizing that your partner, your teammate in life is not supportive during hard times. Then you don’t feel safe. And when you don’t feel safe, all those amazing moments and that amazing connection are shaded with not feeling safe with him. You may not be conscious of it, but it’s there and it will always affect the relationship. I’m not saying he is any of those things…I’m just saying that you don’t know much about this guy. You told him you loved him and you barely know him. You know the best of him and that’s it. You guys have exchanged a ton of words but those words are just words. Until you see those words in action, you don’t truly know someone and that takes time. It takes time to SEE someone for who they truly are. So I want to encourage you to slow down and not put all your hopes and dreams with this guy. I also know that what you are feeling is so powerful and feels so incredibly amazing, so why would you want to change that? If you want to get this guy back, you need to slow down and get grounded in reality.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh goodness! Of course your past has EVERYTHING to do with the fears you are dealing with. You did not have a solid upbringing and supportive parents. You had parents with BIG limitations and that means that you skipped some pretty important developmental periods of your life. That ALWAYS affects how we feel in current time. It’s where our fears and insecurities get developed. If you want to talk about this more, I can help you make some connections between your past and present so you can be more empowered to deal with the present appropriately. If this doesn’t interest you, that’s okay too.
I’m glad to hear you guys are connecting and that he is talking future talk. This is great! And it sounds fun!
Let’s talk about your conversation about Bumble. How do you plan on approaching that one?
Heidi
Okay wait….so now you might not get to go home??? Or it just depends on the project you work on?
Totally interesting what’s happening in the guy department. Fun right??? I love that you also get to go explore some of the nature preserves around. That should delightfully feed your spirit! Maybe he will join you! That’s funny that he works for the same company as mystery man. So how regularly are you and Dean chatting? Is it getting a little flirty? This is fun!!!
Heidi
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are letting go, praying about it and having faith! Well done! I know it’s not easy, but it’s an AMAZING practice to just give a situation space and let the cards fall where they may.
In the meantime, what are some things you can do for yourself, DAILY, that will nourish you? I like to put flowers around my house, watch encouraging movies, go on long walks, connect with animals, learn something new, cook a delicious meal etc….now is the time to really boost up your self care and self love. So what can you do for yourself?
Heidi
The best thing to do for right now then, is to give him more space. You have reached out plenty and he is being polite, but now it’s time to feel his life without you completely. Are you willing to not text him at all for awhile?
Heidi
Again, how you respond to him really depends on what you want. Are you ready to completely let go or are you wanting to still try and work things out with him?
I bet that what he texted you, made you at least feel good.
Heidi
These are great questions! Let’s get you on a path so you have a direction vs. feeling lost.
In essence, self love looks like this: Knowing yourself, your needs, your desires, your core values and then make choices that support yourself. That means boundaries are crucial. For example, I KNOW that I am worth hearing and being listened to. I KNOW that my feelings and experiences matter, no matter crazy they may appear to someone else. If someone is not able to provide space for me to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences and if they are not good listeners, they do not get to know me in that way. If I want them to be in my life, they will be on the very outside of it and it will be a relationship that will remain surface. My boundary that I am setting for myself is me not opening up to them, sharing my personal thoughts and experiences and I will not pursue a deeper experience with them. That is me loving myself and not allowing someone to know my heart when they are not capable of holding it very well. Does this make sense?
There is A LOT more to say on this subject. I could write for hours, but I just want to do little pieces at a time so we can work through this together.
Here is a book I LOVE and may resonate for you that can help with this path. If it doesn’t resonate for you, let us know. THere are a MILLION more books, videos etc. that are amazing guides on this subject.
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Yikes! You are really going through A LOT!!!
First, I want to make sure I am clear with you, because depending on what you want, will depend on the guidance I give you.
If you are done with the relationship and are okay releasing it, moving out and letting go completely, then let me know.
If you are still wanting to try and work things out, it’s a different approach….one you won’t like, but one that will help bring him back to you. If this is what you want, let me know.I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s really tough and awful and there are sooooo many things you are learning from this experience, but through some pretty tough ways. Hang in there! You can do this! I absolutely know ways to keeps the peace for the next 3 months if you are ready to let go of him and get out of the house.
Heidi
Let’s talk about this:
My hope is, that when the world is more normal, if I do have to walk away I will be fully in a place to find healthy love. I want to invite you to think about that finding a healthy love means you are loving yourself MORE than anyone or anything. You choose yourself. So as long as you are staying in your pattern of choosing connection and choosing him at the expense of yourself, you are not open to finding a healthy love.
I so wish he’d fight for me if we got to that point, but I am not confident he would, as I think his patterns are deeply ingrained. What you are wanting him to do for you, which is fight for you, is something YOU need to fulfill in yourself first and foremost. How you treat yourself is how others will treat you. You cannot ask for something from someone else that is not in you first. Meaning, if you are not fighting for self love, setting standards and boundaries, honoring your needs, then you cannot expect that he would.
And if, somehow, I don’t have to walk away I have still ensured that I am in a place to help create something amazing with this man (in past relationships I know I have been guilty of anxious attachment. Here is the fantasy you are trapped in. There is NOTHING amazing that this man can offer you. You are looking into the future and using hope to keep you connected vs. really connecting to WHAT IS. Who he is today, in this moment, shows you he is not capable of offering you a deep, loving, committed, expansive, nourishing, vibrant love that is growing and growing and expanding. Deal with reality vs. hope. Deal with what is vs. what could be. I know this is harsh, but it is what is caring and loving towards yourself AND him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
