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Yes, I understand why you are confused. That’s why I suggested the birthday message. It’s a valid reason to show him appreciation and attention. Instead of waiting for him to reach out, you can express what he means to you in honor of your life.
There is also nothing wrong with checking in about how he feels. What he said last week, may not be the same as this week. What’s wrong with just asking for clarification? You could say something like, “I just want to check in and see where you are at. I’m a bit confused about you asking for space but then telling me you wanted more attention from me. I want to give you attention and appreciation all of the time, but then I also want to honor you asking for space. Will you help me out a little bit more? What do you think about how things are going?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
How are you feeling?? We would love to hear an update.
Here is also one of my favorite teachers on attachment style. She offers amazing guidance on how to deal with each attachment and bring them or yourself into secure attachment style.
Wow! This is great. It sounds like he really appreciated your honesty. That’s a good insight into what he is attracted to. How do you feel about it?
Heidi
Great questions!
1. Brilliant, I get it, impulsive and adventurous are different and if I under stand you right, it’s not something specifically that happened when he was 2, it’s just that it’s that age behavior. This could be some sort of personality disorder, ADHD, not trauma per se? Let me explain this differently. Impulsivity is not a personality disorder, it’s a symptom of his needs not having met when he was younger. It could be a parent who was neglectful, it could be a teacher who constantly berated him, it could be anything. His need to have what he wants and to have it now – if this is the way he lives a lot (being impulsive sometimes is healthy) – is letting you know his child energy is in control, which means he has an underdeveloped adult. The age that the energy of impulsivity starts to show up is around age 2. So many things most likely happened around that age. It’s not one moment, it’s many, many moments of his needs not being appropriately met. And yes…if he is impulsive a lot, it absolutely increases the odds of unprotected sex. Everyone is different, so who knows. He may always have condoms on him, so he can be impulsive and protected. Does this make more sense?
2. It seems to me then you are saying, this is a deeply troubled man, it’s not a usual man with some hiccups, theres an issue with him like a disorder? I don’t know if there is a disorder. That’s only something for a qualified professional to determine. I’m only getting your side of the story, so there is limited information for me to determine anything. Is he deeply troubled? I don’t know. He seems unhappy from how you describe him, but he may not feel that about himself.
3. Well I would have wanted to ask him for exclusivity and a serious relationship but from your previous responses, this does not seem to ever be possible. Who knows Lili. What I want you to keep remembering is that YOU matter more than him. If you can accept him for exactly who he is and feel you could be happy with him, then I’m sure something could work with him if he felt that acceptance from you. He has committed before, so he can do it again. The key factor here though…is YOU being happy with your partner and you loving who he is as a person, JUST AS HE IS. And it just doesn’t seem to be the way you feel about him. It seems you like a lot about him, but it doesn’t seem like you truly like and are attracted to all of who he is as a person and how he lives his life. The issue is not him…it’s you. It’s you trying to make him fit into something that you feel good about.
4. how do I ask about other woman without making him angry? You don’t ask him at all. Let him be who he wants to be. You know his desires, you know how he treats women, you know he needs attention. It’s on YOU if you want to walk into a relationship knowing this about him. He is just being himself and has every right to continue his behavior. If you don’t like it, then don’t pursue a relationship with him.
5. how do I get him to flip this into a working project with eachother, I’ve presented a project to him already? As long as you have feelings for him and he for you…it’s probably not possible. It means only connecting with each other through work. No more personal calls, texts etc. It means only discussing the work project. My guess is though, the more you pull your energy back, the more he will chase you. Who knows though. You will just need to set some pretty strong boundaries and really let go of your romantic feelings towards him.
6. this trip he is going on this week he realized bothered me, so now he wants to go on a trip with me, but now honestly I feel he needs to do more effort (if I even want to go) so I want him to pay for it, how do I present/say that? You just need to decide what you want Lili. If you go on a trip with him, you essentially are deciding to build a relationship with him. You will be strengthening the bond, creating memories together and building something. Is this what you want? You seem quite confused. Your previous question is asking about how to turn this connection into a business focus and here you are asking how to go on a trip with him. They are both VERY DIFFERENT paths.
It sounds like you are trying to use him for your gain somehow. It’s not a bad thing and I don’t judge you for it. Do you need him to sign onto your project proposal for a specific reason? Does it help your citizenship or where you get to live or something? It seems you are wanting more from him beyond any feelings you might have.
Heidi
Let’s talk about this first. He doesn’t really get angry, and even when he starts getting annoyed he just gets sarcastic. Which I was fine with. He never let anything negative stick, he just let it roll off. Most people would consider this a good trait. I consider this a big CAUTION flag. I say caution, because I would need to explore and gather more information about his emotional makeup and coping mechanisms first before I would turn it into a red flag or not. There is high potential this could be a deal breaker for a successful, long term relationship though. If someone doesn’t really get angry, which is a healthy and important emotion to have, that COULD mean that he has a lot of blocks or walls around his emotions….I always question, what are those walls keeping in? What are they containing? If this is the case, they will keep stuffing their hurt and anger behind those walls…the longer it lives there, it then turns to resentment and bitterness and it will leak out in all kinds of small ways (like sarcasm) and then will continue to get worse. I DO NOT trust someone with my heart who doesn’t have and experience the full spectrum of emotions. So if a guy said that to me, my caution flag would go up and I would immediately begin to explore what it means. It’s good to never lose his temper, but it’s NOT good to not get angry. Sarcasm by the way, is damaging and a passive-aggressive way to sabotage intimacy. It’s a childish way to express emotions. In those moments, he is not be honest, but instead causing harm. If he were to behave like an adult, he would be honest about how he felt and would have a conversation around it. Instead, he jabs at someone with some comment that doesn’t really do anything except possibly hurt someone’s feeling by his comment. I know in your mind, all these things are mild and acceptable considering how amazing you feel around him and that’s normal. I’m just wanting to show you a different perspective. Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. My goal and passion in life are to help equip people with the knowledge and skills of how to choose a partner that has the best potential for longevity. There are certain characteristics and traits that are common in successful long term marriages and ones that are not. Marriage is a SKILL. Those feelings of love you feel, are just chemicals in the beginning. Those fade and what’s left over is where the skill begins to take over or not take over. You deserve to have an amazing, nourishing, long lasting relationship. The best way to stack the odds seriously in your favor for that kind of experience, is to embody / become the kind of person that can offer that kind of experience to someone. If you want to learn more about it and understand more of the dynamics of relationship, the best place to go is this website. They have GREAT blogs, classes etc. that help establish a solid, scientific foundation for a long term love that is nourishing and vibrant and healthy and respectful. They have the longest running study, to date, on the qualities required to make a relationship last longer than 20 years. I suggest for people to learn about those qualities that work and don’t work and then begin looking for those qualities when dating and use them as a road map. Does this make sense: https://www.gottman.com/
There was one where he noticed a quirk of mine was annoying him. He brought it up casually and when I apologized he said that it was ok no need to apologize just to keep it in mind. I’m curious….do you apologize a lot to people? Imagine someone bumps into you in line. Do you apologize to them? You saying sorry for being you, even if it’s a quirk and bugs him, is not something to apologize for or even keep in mind for the future. That is you molding your behavior to match what he wants. Truth is, some other guy might find that quirk adorable. If you are someone that apologizes a lot for irritating, bugging, or being an inconvenience to someone…let’s talk about that! That is definitely an area that could be a reason he pulled away as well. Men are strongly attracted to a woman who DOES NOT apologize for herself. Let me know your thoughts on this.
I might fall in love easily but I always keep the negatives in mind with the positive. Why do you think you fall in love easily? Why do you call it love? And keeping the positives and negatives in mind is NOT the same as actually taking them seriously. One of the main reasons 1 in every 2 people are getting divorced is because they see red flags all the time, but do nothing about it. They would rather have the connection and hope for the best than to face a breakup.
This is great that he is willing to be friends! This means you have some time to go slow and build a great friendship and continue to learn about each other!!! It’s going to be hard, but it’s CRUCIAL you continue to let him take the lead. He needs to trust that you are not going to try and push your way back in. He needs to invite you back in. Make sure you keep it fun, light and easy, which sounds like that would be the easy part for you both. Make sure you are also having fun elsewhere. He NEEDS to know and see that you have a life outside of him and that he is not your only activity in life. Are you going to keep up at the gym? That would be a really good thing to do as well. When are you going to start volunteering at the shelter again?? How about planning some things with your best girlfriends soon? I can’t remember if they are local or not. Does this make sense?
Heidi
There are a lot of tough challenges ahead. Feel free to come here and vent. It’s a safe place for you to say what you REALLY feel and want. We have all kinds of ways to help you through it.
Good luck!!!
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
I’d like to make a suggestion to approach the bumble thing differently. First, what’s important to understand is that you push someone to do something that YOU want them to do through ultimatums or telling them they need to do something, it’s controlling. You want to instead get truly curious so you can learn about them. That way, you have a REAL conversation where you both learn about each other vs. forcing any kind of agenda on each other. After sharing your thoughts and feelings, you step back and let THEM decide how they want to resolve it. Let them be who they authentically want to be. At that point, the choice is yours to accept their choice or not. Imagine him coming up to you and telling you how to be or do something. It doesn’t feel good, no matter what it is. You are an adult and want to be treated as such. Whenever someone tries to control another person’s behavior, it’s parent energy treating the other like a child. It doesn’t work.
So this is how you want to approach it. Imagine you are a reporter and you need to write a story about guys and their experience with Bumble. It would be important to ask him all kinds of questions to get some good detail about his thoughts and feelings around it. Remember….you want to LEARN about him. So you could say “I noticed you still have the Bumble app. I’m curious…do you feel like you still need to use it? If yes….tell me about that. I feel like we are heading in a good direction, but if you feel you still want to use it, maybe something is still missing for you. I would love to know what that is. Teach me. If no…is there a reason you still keep it active then? It makes me wonder if maybe you still need something more from me. Is there anything I can do better for you?”
Do you see how this invites him into the conversation vs. just being told what to do?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Whaaaat??? You have to pay $2k to stay in a quarantine hotel while waiting for your results?? That’s insane! I don’t understand that. Why does it cost so much?
So no matter what happens, you are going home then. The job on the BC coast would mean you have to stay at an apartment then, yes? What is most important for you is to be physically living in Canada, but it doesn’t matter where. Correct?
I’m sure the guy that gave you his card will email you back. Just give it a little time. Many people do not check or deal with their emails all the time.
I love that you got to see who Dean was as he went through a challenging situation. That’s fabulous…it sounds like he handled it really well. So he is messaging quite a bit it sounds like. Are you guys talking through text? A dating app? email? have you had any video chats? Is there any flirting yet?
Heidi
I understand. It IS a very different kind of grieving to have loss through rejection vs. loss through death. They both are extremely difficult. You will not only survive, but you will thrive. I know his behaviors and the whole situation are confusing. I can’t tell you how many times people come to me soooo confused by the polar opposite behaviors occurring in their situation. I find in general, most people have poor skills in communicating their TRUE needs, thoughts, feeling etc. for fear of hurting someone and for fear of confrontation. That’s why terms such as gaslighting, ghosting or cat fishing are running ramped through the dating world. I have to say, growing up in the dating world before online dating existed, it was a much more integrous community. There is something about the birth of technology and how it has come into our lives, that has changed how people treat each other. I’m going off on a tangent now…lol. Anyways, my point being, you are not alone in trying to figure out the absolutely confusing behaviors. I always just tell people to rest in the “not knowing.” Every time your mind takes you on a journey of figuring it all out and the why behind it, stop your mind and give it something else to do that will actually serve you. Teach your mind that you are NOT going down that road anymore. It’s over. It’s a technique called Thought Stopping. Here is a website with a technique that also may be helpful for you. I’ve used this technique for 20 years! It’s helped me a ton over the years. https://www.eftuniverse.com/
Keep checking in with us here.
Heidi
Okay, got it! That makes a lot more sense now.
Okay then…here is what you do. First, understand that your needs don’t matter. You are going to have to MANAGE the situation vs. fix it, in order to keep the peace for the next 3 months.
So for example…he said for you to pay for the food and he will cover the bills. In response, you could have said “Okay…I can do that, but I only have this much money to contribute at the moment. Is that okay for you? I know it may not be enough right now, but I am happy to cut out some of my food preferences so you don’t have to. You just let me know what you think is best.” This keeps your boundary with how much money you can give AND it gives him the power to decide what to do with what you are able to offer and you are giving him that power…which is what he really wants. Make sense?
Basically ANYTHING counter to him, will cause him to get angry and upset and blame. So JUST FOR 3 months…you need to be more passive to keep the house calm. You let HIM make the decisions in a round about way. You ask him for advice, ideas, permission…in round about ways. You validate what he is feeling vs. counter him with an opposing opinion. This will get him to work WITH you vs. against you a lot more. It won’t work perfectly all the time, but it will work more than what you are doing now. It’s quite the skill you will develop though. In essence, what you are doing is inspiring the very best in him instead of the worst in him. You inspire the best in him when he feels trusted by you, when he feels you will submit to him, when he feels valued by you. It’s quite the art to play with words in a way that allow you to still exist and have boundaries AND help the other person to feel they have the control and power they need.
Does this make sense?
heidi
I am sooooo glad to get to connect with you. I am honored to get to be part of your process and help you work through something that is so incredibly challenging. I have been there MANY MANY times in my life and have made it through stronger and wiser…and now I get to help others do the same thing! Thank you thank you for letting me in!
To be honest, I do not feel okay about him behaving like that By being in relationship with him and fighting for him to come back into your life, you ARE saying yes to his behaviors. You are saying yes to his beliefs. You are saying yes to how he treats women. So in essence, you are okay with it. You are turning a blind eye to a very destructive and harmful belief he carries and participating in that belief with him, by being in a relationship with him.
I figured that this was due to how his exes had treated him. His beliefs about women were created when he was very young…loooooong before those ex’s came into his life.
ARe you journaling at all? I sent you some ideas of how to deal with your emotions. Don’t bottle them up!!!!
Heidi
I am planning in next few days to not contact him first. BUT IF HE DOES, HOW SHOULD I REACT? And if he will not, after few days of silence i want to send him this “Hey, I haven’t heard from you for a number of days, so this relationship is not working for me. I’m going to set you free and set myself free. You’re welcome to respond, but if you don’t, that’s okay, too. I wish you all the best.”
Because I don’t to leave it unfinished. Because I don’t want to feel rejected. Because I don’t want to leave the door open.Give it some time. Give it at least a week. If he texts you and initiates, don’t respond right away…wait a few hours or even respond the next day and be light, playful, flirty etc. You want him to feel like he enjoys connecting with you because you give him a good response. If he doesn’t text, you can say something like, “I feel like something has really shifted between us. We are not connecting as much as we used to. I’d like to have an easy chat about it and see where we are both at and decide if we are heading in the same direction or not. Can we talk later tonight?”
THoughts on that?
Heidi
You are asking some GREAT questions!!!
From what i wrote here, you can say that the relationship with him isn’t working for me? Or maybe he behaves right and nice and I’m just overthinking it and that gives me anxiety, not his behavior.
Because this is what I’m actually trying to figure out. You have to honor what you need in a relationship. There is no right or wrong here. So if he is not treating you well, not as responsive as you need, not as communicative as you want…then it doesn’t fit does it? If you want to try and fit him, then you need to change what you need. Is that something you feel you can do? Can you feel good about him being not as responsive as you want? Can you let go of your need of needing him to connect more with you? If you can’t…then you have to honor who you are and that means understanding that who he is right now…doesn’t fit with what you want and need. Does this make more sense?I do like and love myself.
And of course i want for myself what is best, only. Of course you love yourself. I didn’t mean to say that you didn’t. I should have said this differently. We ALL have low self esteem. We ALL have a part that is confident, loving and loves ourselves and we all have parts that are the polar opposite. You can tell how much high or low self esteem someone has, but looking at the kind of people they invite into their lives and the kind of life they create in general. So if you have a pattern of being with men who do not treat you well, that is your low self esteem part that is making that choice, not your high self esteem. If you REALLY wanted the best and truly believed you deserved that, your actions and who you choose invite into your inner, most sacred space (your heart) would be different. Your actions are more what shows how you feel about yourself in each area of your life. When I was younger and in my 20s, I chose and was attracted to men who were the bad boy types. I had soooo much low self esteem and a belief around love that I had to chase after it, I didn’t deserve it and frankly, it was boring if I didn’t have to work so hard for it. My father set up that kind of experience for me. As I started to understand my patterns and what made me do things like this, I started doing more healing work and getting rid of my emotional baggage. Now…I am COMPLETELY different and date a totally different kind of guy. I have extremely high standards and I meet the most amazing people!! So how we feel about ourselves gets reflected in our outer world.To let go of responsibility for how someone i like reacts to me- i want it for sure and i can understand that logically. But to do it I don’t know how exactly. How to change the way i feel about it, I don’t know. This is a tough one. TO know something in your mind does mean to know it in your heart. When you are not able to get what you know into your heart, there is a wound, hurt, anger, false stories, lies, programming etc. in the way. This is THE BIGGEST challenge everyone faces. Someone may be wanting to lose weight and they know how, but then their actions and feelings put them on the couch eating pizza and ice cream. Knowing something is the beginning, but getting it into your heart means facing, feeling, exploring the emotional blocks that are in the way. Is this something you are willing to explore?
Heidi
Hi Brigid,
I’m going to bring you back down to reality again. You said a few times you KNOW this can work and that just simply is not true. You still barely know him and he barely knows you…so no one, at this particular stage would be able to “know” anything. Again, you have no idea who he really is until you see him in action. You may see a few of his limitations, but that’s just a tiny, tiny window in the fullness that exists inside of him. I’m not saying at all that you shouldn’t pursue him…all I am saying is that you need to get more grounded in reality and stay more connected to the REAL truth that this is going to take time. Instead of having a mindset “I know this can work” it’s having a mindset of “I’d like to see IF this can work.” That is a mindset he will respond to. Think of your heart as a job that a guy has to apply for. You cannot know so quickly whether or not you want to hire someone for the MOST IMPORTANT job you can offer him. So you are cautious, you are watchful, you are open, you are listening, you are observing behaviors, you are paying attention to his words and actions, you are making sure he is fit for the job at hand. THAT TAKES TIME.
So anytime you start to find yourself wanting to speed things up, falling deeper for him, wanting to say I love you, wanting to give him everything you have….slow yourself down and just go moment to moment. He has to PROVE to you through words and actions and time that he is capable of the “job opening.”
Okay…so the reality is, you cannot be friends. You still have feelings for him, so it’s about understanding that a “friendship” with him will mean contacting each other occasionally. NOT DAILY. My guy friends and I connect at most, once a week, but typically once a month. It’s occasional, it may last for a day or 2 and then it will be awhile before we connect again. So I would set a boundary in your mind that AT MOST you can have weekly or biweekly conversation / connection. I wouldn’t suggest meeting up. Let him take the lead on that.
If you want to suggest friendship, you can say “Would you be open to friendship? I thought we had a good friendship going and would like to continue that aspect of it on some level, if you’re open to it.”
How does starting with something like that feel for you?
And lastly, I’m glad to hear you are figuring out how to get out of your house and that you are looking at volunteering at the shelter again. You have some good things going on, but none of them really involve interacting with other people on a weekly/daily basis, so the shelter will help a ton! And of course the animals are pretty spectacular aren’t they???
That is soooo strange that your best friend cat fished you!!! Holy smokes! That must have been completely shocking for you!!!
Heidi
And i just can’t give myself a right to failure. I should, but I can’t. I can’t just admit the idea that there is a chance that he is not a good choice for me. How about thinking about this differently. What if there were no such thing as failure? What if, it’s just something that didn’t fit? You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole. Does that make it a failure? Nope…it just means they are different shapes. You keep trying to force something that isn’t working for you. Is that really failure? Sometimes, things just don’t work and THAT”S OKAY!!! It doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong, good or bad. It just means it didn’t work. Stuff like that happens ALL OF THE TIME in life!!! It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a moment where you accept “Okay..this didn’t work. It’s time to try something else and different and that’s good for me!” Thoughts?
It’s not the first time I am in relationship with a man that is taking me for granted. I understand that it’s because i am doing something wrong. But I can’t figure out what exactly You are not doing something “wrong.” People treat us in ways that we teach them it’s okay to treat us. So if I don’t love myself very well, if I don’t have strong values and boundaries to support those values, if I don’t take very good care of my heart….then I will attract people who will support how I treat myself inside. If I am always critical and judgmental of myself, I will attract and be attracted to someone who will be critical towards me. The one common thing between these guys that don’t treat you well, is YOU saying yes to that. So how do you feel about yourself? Do you really like yourself? How do you take care of yourself physically, spiritually, emotionally? What kinds of things do you do DAILY that fill up your heart?
I feel shame for the situation, for my feelings and even for the fact I’m writing it here. And I feel responsibility for his change of behavior You are being quite harsh on yourself. No shame is needed. You are just being quite normal and human. Your heart is hurt and that is what we are here to help you with. NOW is the time for you to be VERY KIND to yourself, instead of embarrassed about how you feel. How he behaves is not your fault nor within your control. You CANNOT make him feel or be or do anything…that’s 100% on him. You could behave the same exact way with 100 other guys and you will get 100 different responses…because we are all just different. Are you able to let go of responsibility for who he chooses to be in his life and how he reacts to you??
Heidi
