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how should i behave if he brings if up too often ? Idk but it seems to be something that comes natural, and i like it most of times. In other times- I feel it’s too much and too often. What’s most important is to honor yourself. It sounds like you are just doing whatever it is HE wants to do. It sounds like it is more about HIS design and what you need and want are not part of it. What is stopping you from saying something? What if you got a list of 100 questions….fun questions…and each conversation you guys go through 2 or 3 questions with each other. That can help deepen the relationship without the sexual intimicay. And again, it’s important for you to allow yourself to be known by him. If you are not in the mood to be sexual, communicate that to him.
When he is giving me attention i feel in live and happy like i want a lot to be with him. When he is not calling, texting or replying if i text him, like almost all the day – i feel frustrated, upset, gelous, disapointed , angry and i feel like this all is a mistake. So your feelings are based on how he behaves? This is putting all the power of your happiness into his hands. You are happy according to whether or not he connects with you that day. Is this how you want to live? Is this the kind of relationship you want to continue being in? Basically, you are putting your self-esteem and value into his hands. If he contacts you, you feel good about yourself and in your life. If he doesn’t contact you, you don’t feel good about yourself and your life. What should you do? That’s the hard part. I would say small steps are important, but it’s important for you to start to exist in the relationship instead of you constantly adjusting to him. You let him know your complaint and that is good! Can you do more of that? Not necessarily a complaint, but letting him know your REAL feelings. What other kinds of things would you like to tell him that you aren’t sharing about how you feel?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
How awful. I am so sorry you were blindsided like this. I imagine you are so confused. Let’s see if we can figure out what is happening.
How is his career/job situation? Is he stable financially and does he love what he does? Is there anything major that has happened in his life like someone dying or an unexpected event? Looking back, do you notice any signs of him starting to feel uncomfortable with the relationship? ARe you guys still talking at all or has he completely closed off?
Heidi
I”m sooooo so sorry Samantha. It sounds like you got a deeper reality check of where he really is inside his heart and mind…and that it doesn’t include you. It sounds like your dreams were shattered on another level. Is this what it feels like for you?
I know that in breakups, some of the hardest moments are letting go of the vision, the dreams created around another person. Letting that aspect go, is incredibly challenging and heartbreaking. One technique I like to use is called “finish the story.” Many times, we will loop around a portion of the story…the worst part and the most painful part…which leads into feelings of hurt and suffering. So finishing the story means adding the second half of the story where the truth lives and make it a full mental loop. For example, you might be saying “I miss him so much. It hurts that he doesn’t want me.” To create the FULL story, you would instead say “I miss him so much. It hurts that he doesn’t want me. AND I will be okay. I will create a new vision, a new dream and I will be happy again.” So anytime you are finding yourself heading deeper into the hurt of the loss of him, finish your mental loops with a positive truth. Does this make sense?
Heidi
HAHAHA!! You are cracking me up!!! You would be surprised at how many people do this. So this is the guy that works at the same company with the mystery man that gave you his card about the nature preserves??
I think it’s a good idea to start somewhere local and with a lot of people. Men these days, are typically very respectful and understand a woman’s need to feel safe in today’s world. If that’s an issue for him or if he tries to convince you otherwise, then you know he is someone to be cautious of.
I love this though! I love that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and having fun with it! It’s scary and it’s fun and exciting and goodness knows….you need some of that in your life!!!!
I can’t wait to hear what happens!
Heidi
Yes, I understand why you are confused. That’s why I suggested the birthday message. It’s a valid reason to show him appreciation and attention. Instead of waiting for him to reach out, you can express what he means to you in honor of your life.
There is also nothing wrong with checking in about how he feels. What he said last week, may not be the same as this week. What’s wrong with just asking for clarification? You could say something like, “I just want to check in and see where you are at. I’m a bit confused about you asking for space but then telling me you wanted more attention from me. I want to give you attention and appreciation all of the time, but then I also want to honor you asking for space. Will you help me out a little bit more? What do you think about how things are going?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
How are you feeling?? We would love to hear an update.
Here is also one of my favorite teachers on attachment style. She offers amazing guidance on how to deal with each attachment and bring them or yourself into secure attachment style.
Wow! This is great. It sounds like he really appreciated your honesty. That’s a good insight into what he is attracted to. How do you feel about it?
Heidi
Great questions!
1. Brilliant, I get it, impulsive and adventurous are different and if I under stand you right, it’s not something specifically that happened when he was 2, it’s just that it’s that age behavior. This could be some sort of personality disorder, ADHD, not trauma per se? Let me explain this differently. Impulsivity is not a personality disorder, it’s a symptom of his needs not having met when he was younger. It could be a parent who was neglectful, it could be a teacher who constantly berated him, it could be anything. His need to have what he wants and to have it now – if this is the way he lives a lot (being impulsive sometimes is healthy) – is letting you know his child energy is in control, which means he has an underdeveloped adult. The age that the energy of impulsivity starts to show up is around age 2. So many things most likely happened around that age. It’s not one moment, it’s many, many moments of his needs not being appropriately met. And yes…if he is impulsive a lot, it absolutely increases the odds of unprotected sex. Everyone is different, so who knows. He may always have condoms on him, so he can be impulsive and protected. Does this make more sense?
2. It seems to me then you are saying, this is a deeply troubled man, it’s not a usual man with some hiccups, theres an issue with him like a disorder? I don’t know if there is a disorder. That’s only something for a qualified professional to determine. I’m only getting your side of the story, so there is limited information for me to determine anything. Is he deeply troubled? I don’t know. He seems unhappy from how you describe him, but he may not feel that about himself.
3. Well I would have wanted to ask him for exclusivity and a serious relationship but from your previous responses, this does not seem to ever be possible. Who knows Lili. What I want you to keep remembering is that YOU matter more than him. If you can accept him for exactly who he is and feel you could be happy with him, then I’m sure something could work with him if he felt that acceptance from you. He has committed before, so he can do it again. The key factor here though…is YOU being happy with your partner and you loving who he is as a person, JUST AS HE IS. And it just doesn’t seem to be the way you feel about him. It seems you like a lot about him, but it doesn’t seem like you truly like and are attracted to all of who he is as a person and how he lives his life. The issue is not him…it’s you. It’s you trying to make him fit into something that you feel good about.
4. how do I ask about other woman without making him angry? You don’t ask him at all. Let him be who he wants to be. You know his desires, you know how he treats women, you know he needs attention. It’s on YOU if you want to walk into a relationship knowing this about him. He is just being himself and has every right to continue his behavior. If you don’t like it, then don’t pursue a relationship with him.
5. how do I get him to flip this into a working project with eachother, I’ve presented a project to him already? As long as you have feelings for him and he for you…it’s probably not possible. It means only connecting with each other through work. No more personal calls, texts etc. It means only discussing the work project. My guess is though, the more you pull your energy back, the more he will chase you. Who knows though. You will just need to set some pretty strong boundaries and really let go of your romantic feelings towards him.
6. this trip he is going on this week he realized bothered me, so now he wants to go on a trip with me, but now honestly I feel he needs to do more effort (if I even want to go) so I want him to pay for it, how do I present/say that? You just need to decide what you want Lili. If you go on a trip with him, you essentially are deciding to build a relationship with him. You will be strengthening the bond, creating memories together and building something. Is this what you want? You seem quite confused. Your previous question is asking about how to turn this connection into a business focus and here you are asking how to go on a trip with him. They are both VERY DIFFERENT paths.
It sounds like you are trying to use him for your gain somehow. It’s not a bad thing and I don’t judge you for it. Do you need him to sign onto your project proposal for a specific reason? Does it help your citizenship or where you get to live or something? It seems you are wanting more from him beyond any feelings you might have.
Heidi
Let’s talk about this first. He doesn’t really get angry, and even when he starts getting annoyed he just gets sarcastic. Which I was fine with. He never let anything negative stick, he just let it roll off. Most people would consider this a good trait. I consider this a big CAUTION flag. I say caution, because I would need to explore and gather more information about his emotional makeup and coping mechanisms first before I would turn it into a red flag or not. There is high potential this could be a deal breaker for a successful, long term relationship though. If someone doesn’t really get angry, which is a healthy and important emotion to have, that COULD mean that he has a lot of blocks or walls around his emotions….I always question, what are those walls keeping in? What are they containing? If this is the case, they will keep stuffing their hurt and anger behind those walls…the longer it lives there, it then turns to resentment and bitterness and it will leak out in all kinds of small ways (like sarcasm) and then will continue to get worse. I DO NOT trust someone with my heart who doesn’t have and experience the full spectrum of emotions. So if a guy said that to me, my caution flag would go up and I would immediately begin to explore what it means. It’s good to never lose his temper, but it’s NOT good to not get angry. Sarcasm by the way, is damaging and a passive-aggressive way to sabotage intimacy. It’s a childish way to express emotions. In those moments, he is not be honest, but instead causing harm. If he were to behave like an adult, he would be honest about how he felt and would have a conversation around it. Instead, he jabs at someone with some comment that doesn’t really do anything except possibly hurt someone’s feeling by his comment. I know in your mind, all these things are mild and acceptable considering how amazing you feel around him and that’s normal. I’m just wanting to show you a different perspective. Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. My goal and passion in life are to help equip people with the knowledge and skills of how to choose a partner that has the best potential for longevity. There are certain characteristics and traits that are common in successful long term marriages and ones that are not. Marriage is a SKILL. Those feelings of love you feel, are just chemicals in the beginning. Those fade and what’s left over is where the skill begins to take over or not take over. You deserve to have an amazing, nourishing, long lasting relationship. The best way to stack the odds seriously in your favor for that kind of experience, is to embody / become the kind of person that can offer that kind of experience to someone. If you want to learn more about it and understand more of the dynamics of relationship, the best place to go is this website. They have GREAT blogs, classes etc. that help establish a solid, scientific foundation for a long term love that is nourishing and vibrant and healthy and respectful. They have the longest running study, to date, on the qualities required to make a relationship last longer than 20 years. I suggest for people to learn about those qualities that work and don’t work and then begin looking for those qualities when dating and use them as a road map. Does this make sense: https://www.gottman.com/
There was one where he noticed a quirk of mine was annoying him. He brought it up casually and when I apologized he said that it was ok no need to apologize just to keep it in mind. I’m curious….do you apologize a lot to people? Imagine someone bumps into you in line. Do you apologize to them? You saying sorry for being you, even if it’s a quirk and bugs him, is not something to apologize for or even keep in mind for the future. That is you molding your behavior to match what he wants. Truth is, some other guy might find that quirk adorable. If you are someone that apologizes a lot for irritating, bugging, or being an inconvenience to someone…let’s talk about that! That is definitely an area that could be a reason he pulled away as well. Men are strongly attracted to a woman who DOES NOT apologize for herself. Let me know your thoughts on this.
I might fall in love easily but I always keep the negatives in mind with the positive. Why do you think you fall in love easily? Why do you call it love? And keeping the positives and negatives in mind is NOT the same as actually taking them seriously. One of the main reasons 1 in every 2 people are getting divorced is because they see red flags all the time, but do nothing about it. They would rather have the connection and hope for the best than to face a breakup.
This is great that he is willing to be friends! This means you have some time to go slow and build a great friendship and continue to learn about each other!!! It’s going to be hard, but it’s CRUCIAL you continue to let him take the lead. He needs to trust that you are not going to try and push your way back in. He needs to invite you back in. Make sure you keep it fun, light and easy, which sounds like that would be the easy part for you both. Make sure you are also having fun elsewhere. He NEEDS to know and see that you have a life outside of him and that he is not your only activity in life. Are you going to keep up at the gym? That would be a really good thing to do as well. When are you going to start volunteering at the shelter again?? How about planning some things with your best girlfriends soon? I can’t remember if they are local or not. Does this make sense?
Heidi
There are a lot of tough challenges ahead. Feel free to come here and vent. It’s a safe place for you to say what you REALLY feel and want. We have all kinds of ways to help you through it.
Good luck!!!
Heidi
Hi Cassidy,
I’d like to make a suggestion to approach the bumble thing differently. First, what’s important to understand is that you push someone to do something that YOU want them to do through ultimatums or telling them they need to do something, it’s controlling. You want to instead get truly curious so you can learn about them. That way, you have a REAL conversation where you both learn about each other vs. forcing any kind of agenda on each other. After sharing your thoughts and feelings, you step back and let THEM decide how they want to resolve it. Let them be who they authentically want to be. At that point, the choice is yours to accept their choice or not. Imagine him coming up to you and telling you how to be or do something. It doesn’t feel good, no matter what it is. You are an adult and want to be treated as such. Whenever someone tries to control another person’s behavior, it’s parent energy treating the other like a child. It doesn’t work.
So this is how you want to approach it. Imagine you are a reporter and you need to write a story about guys and their experience with Bumble. It would be important to ask him all kinds of questions to get some good detail about his thoughts and feelings around it. Remember….you want to LEARN about him. So you could say “I noticed you still have the Bumble app. I’m curious…do you feel like you still need to use it? If yes….tell me about that. I feel like we are heading in a good direction, but if you feel you still want to use it, maybe something is still missing for you. I would love to know what that is. Teach me. If no…is there a reason you still keep it active then? It makes me wonder if maybe you still need something more from me. Is there anything I can do better for you?”
Do you see how this invites him into the conversation vs. just being told what to do?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Whaaaat??? You have to pay $2k to stay in a quarantine hotel while waiting for your results?? That’s insane! I don’t understand that. Why does it cost so much?
So no matter what happens, you are going home then. The job on the BC coast would mean you have to stay at an apartment then, yes? What is most important for you is to be physically living in Canada, but it doesn’t matter where. Correct?
I’m sure the guy that gave you his card will email you back. Just give it a little time. Many people do not check or deal with their emails all the time.
I love that you got to see who Dean was as he went through a challenging situation. That’s fabulous…it sounds like he handled it really well. So he is messaging quite a bit it sounds like. Are you guys talking through text? A dating app? email? have you had any video chats? Is there any flirting yet?
Heidi
I understand. It IS a very different kind of grieving to have loss through rejection vs. loss through death. They both are extremely difficult. You will not only survive, but you will thrive. I know his behaviors and the whole situation are confusing. I can’t tell you how many times people come to me soooo confused by the polar opposite behaviors occurring in their situation. I find in general, most people have poor skills in communicating their TRUE needs, thoughts, feeling etc. for fear of hurting someone and for fear of confrontation. That’s why terms such as gaslighting, ghosting or cat fishing are running ramped through the dating world. I have to say, growing up in the dating world before online dating existed, it was a much more integrous community. There is something about the birth of technology and how it has come into our lives, that has changed how people treat each other. I’m going off on a tangent now…lol. Anyways, my point being, you are not alone in trying to figure out the absolutely confusing behaviors. I always just tell people to rest in the “not knowing.” Every time your mind takes you on a journey of figuring it all out and the why behind it, stop your mind and give it something else to do that will actually serve you. Teach your mind that you are NOT going down that road anymore. It’s over. It’s a technique called Thought Stopping. Here is a website with a technique that also may be helpful for you. I’ve used this technique for 20 years! It’s helped me a ton over the years. https://www.eftuniverse.com/
Keep checking in with us here.
Heidi
Okay, got it! That makes a lot more sense now.
Okay then…here is what you do. First, understand that your needs don’t matter. You are going to have to MANAGE the situation vs. fix it, in order to keep the peace for the next 3 months.
So for example…he said for you to pay for the food and he will cover the bills. In response, you could have said “Okay…I can do that, but I only have this much money to contribute at the moment. Is that okay for you? I know it may not be enough right now, but I am happy to cut out some of my food preferences so you don’t have to. You just let me know what you think is best.” This keeps your boundary with how much money you can give AND it gives him the power to decide what to do with what you are able to offer and you are giving him that power…which is what he really wants. Make sense?
Basically ANYTHING counter to him, will cause him to get angry and upset and blame. So JUST FOR 3 months…you need to be more passive to keep the house calm. You let HIM make the decisions in a round about way. You ask him for advice, ideas, permission…in round about ways. You validate what he is feeling vs. counter him with an opposing opinion. This will get him to work WITH you vs. against you a lot more. It won’t work perfectly all the time, but it will work more than what you are doing now. It’s quite the skill you will develop though. In essence, what you are doing is inspiring the very best in him instead of the worst in him. You inspire the best in him when he feels trusted by you, when he feels you will submit to him, when he feels valued by you. It’s quite the art to play with words in a way that allow you to still exist and have boundaries AND help the other person to feel they have the control and power they need.
Does this make sense?
heidi
