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That is strange how Daniel behaved. People can be soooo confusing. Mixed messages seems to be one of the main ways of communicating these days! It is such a common experience people are having in the dating world!
It is currently -1 right now and will hang out at that temp until next week. Funny enough, where I’m at (at the base of the mountains), is drastically colder than in the actual mountains. Vail and Breckenridge are around 26 degrees. Strange. Either way….it’s freezing!!!
That’s quite the drive to go see a nature preserve, but I’m sure it will be worth it, just to see something different. It will give you something different to do on a weekend where a good drive, a good podcast, some yummy snacks and new scenery can be just the trick to get you ready for another long week of work.
What is the actual date that you are leaving?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
I understand your need to hold onto him with the belief that he is saving your life and helping to keep your head above water.
So it sounds like you are committed to just keeping the status quo with him and accepting what he has to offer.
What are you willing to commit to, in order to help yourself slowly become more resilient and able to be self sufficient?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
I’m so sorry I keep misunderstanding about the money and this trip. I get lost in so many details, that I miss things sometimes. I get it now. I understand how you were raised. It’s a tough one though, because not everyone is the same way. 2 things…I’m curious about what is stopping you from telling him about you feel about the trip he is planning. I imagine he would NOT want to plan a trip that you wouldn’t enjoy. Men LOVE to make their woman happy and he obviously is walking blind on this. Why not be honest and let him know that the trip isn’t your cup of tea? Is this why you are not sure you want to go?
As far as the money, I would just simply state it up front. Money is uncomfortable to talk about for most people, so I always like to just suggest putting out there straight away and let the pieces fall where they may. I would simply say something like “I have to be honest. I’m not fully committed to this trip yet. What you are planning is not really what I would consider fun for me. If you want me to go on a trip with you, maybe we talk about doing something different. And I apologize for being a bit old fashioned. I know not everyone thinks the way I do, but with you inviting me to go on this trip with you, does that mean you are paying for me?”
How does saying something to that effect feel? You basically just need to find a way to say it through either just asking him like the example above or just say it in a flirty way: “I’m not willing to pay for this trip, so if you want me to go, it’s up to you to cover my buns 😉 I promise I’ll make it worth your while though.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
Welcome to the forum. I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It truly is awful to be shut out about something you don’t have control over.
This is not your fault. You are seeing a VERY controlling side of him and to be honest, it’s an important side to see how him. If he is willing to ruin the relationship because he can’t see you for reasons you have no control over, he is quite emotionally fragile – which shows up by having a VERY HIGH need for control. Even if you were to go see him, this behavior of his would not disappear. The longer you stay together, you will see him start to control you in various ways. I’m curious…before the pandemic, did you guys ever have arguments? If you did, what was it like? How did he treat you? Was he a good listener?
I’m going to be very blunt here. His feelings for you are NOT about love. His feelings for you are more about control…getting what he wants when he wants it or there will be punishment. This is NOT okay. He is about having control OVER you and the situation and I have no doubt he has been like this for a loooong time. This kind of extreme behavior has been practiced over and over and over again. Do you know what his childhood was like? What’s his relationship like with his family?
I personally would be running the other direction, but I also know the love you feel for him and may not be willing to let go. The truth is, something got hard for him and instead of trying to work through it, staying present and working TOGETHER with you, he is punishing you. He has NO care for you and what you are going through. He only cares about himself and that is NOT love. He is treating you as if he owns you. He is treating you as if you are expendable. He is treating you as if you are to be at his beck and call. There is no respect, care, generosity or concern from his heart…just a need to control. That lives within him Nazhat and this pandemic happened to bring it out in him. Again…even if you were to go visit and give him what he wants, it won’t change this is in him. He will treat you like this again and again and again.
You get to still fight for him though. If this is the kind of partner you want to have in your life, then you just have to find a way to go visit him. He needs to see you go to extreme lengths and to do whatever it is that you can, to go visit him.
If you don’t want to fight for this kind of relationship, then it’s time to let go.
It’s your choice.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yikes!!! That really is crazy how people are driving!!! Trash everywhere and bad air pollution…a very unhappy place full of miserable and disconnected people. I’m gonna start to count the days for you!!!!
98% humidity is awful!!! I lived in Florida for a few years. It was TOUGH because I was the strength coach for a sports academy, which meant we were outside training every single day, aside from thunderstorms. I was always in awe of how my athletes could train outside and not melt into nothingness. I at least had some shade to stand under and I wasn’t having to run my ass off.
Even though you think you won’t hear from Daniel again, will you at least make a trip out to those preserves he talked about? I bet he is married.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just checking in again. How’s your family? How’s your dog?
How are you doing emotionally/mentally? I’m curious…have you and your recent ex connected at all? Is his house finished?
People are getting really excited here about being able to get the vaccine. I have a few clients who have already received it. There is talk about not doing a 2nd shot and instead just doing 1 shot and getting it out to more people. The head agencies will be voting on that in a few weeks, so we shall see what ends up happening.
Heidi
Hi Tracey,
I have no doubt that he also has some great qualities. Those qualities are, many times, why people stay in a relationship that is damaging. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. I teach people that when choosing who to give your heart to, it needs to be based on who that person is in their WORST moments, not their best. Who they are in their worst, will determine the success of the relationship…not who they are in their best. And when any form of abuse is involved, there is NO possible way for success. At the core of your relationship with him, there is no respect, honor or kindness. He doesn’t treat you that way and you don’t treat yourself that. You don’t respect him either. You don’t feel safe with him. So you can see, that regardless of how wonderful he can be, who he is in his worst is damaging. For a relationship to work, respect has to be present at ALL times. Growth and curiosity for your partner and their feelings has to be present at ALL times.
I do believe deep down that there is a way to fix this – there must be a way that I can not take some of the things he says so personally and also use words that will trigger his emotions and realise that he has said the wrong things? I’m so sorry Tracey, there is no possible way for YOU to fix this. It doesn’t matter what you do. It does not change who he is. You are not making him this way. He is this way because of his past and the emotions he carries inside. Instead of dealing with all of it, he makes you the target. No matter what you say or do, it doesn’t change the YEARS of hurt that live inside of him and it doesn’t change that he is an abuser and narcissistic. My father was narcissistic. I became a MASTER at learning how to work with him. We got along REALLY well as long as I stayed within the boundaries I gave myself. Then, every once in awhile, my system would break and he would crush my heart, because he just was who he was. It’s no way to live a life Tracey. It’s exhausting and you will die a very slow death of your soul. The more you give your power away to him, the more you lose yourself.
You want to make this work….why? What is happening inside of you, that you want to fight for a guy who doesn’t value you, appreciate you, respect you nor care about you?
Heidi
Ha! Bad drivers eh?? I’ve lived in places like that and it’s crazy! It really amazes me sometimes how people drive and it’s a really great way to get to know the city as well. How people drive can absolutely reflect the personality of the city.
Aren’t butterflies fun? Who knows what Daniel will do. You are leaving soon, so that is kind of inconvenient. You might be reading into it with him. Is there a way to find out if he is already taken or not?
You have A LOT of work to do! So many things still up in the air, but it sounds like that is pretty normal for your kind of job. Something will show up when the time is right…it always has.
Heidi
I’m so sorry for all the experiences you have had to deal with and are still dealing with. I understand you are coping and I understand this is “normal” for you. What about trying to find a new psychiatrist / therapist. I know you have not had the best experiences, but each person is new and has new information to bring into your path. At the very least, finding a way to get on some medication may be really helpful for you in so many areas of your life.
Here are some other healing modalities as well that you can do on your own: This doesn’t have to be your life design.
Heidi
Here are some books websites/books to maybe explore. See what resonates for you. Have you ever thought of working with a coach or therapist?
https://www.debbieford.com/
Here are 2 websites that have podcasts and books and programs from all kinds of authors that are about healing:
https://www.soundstrue.com/
https://www.hayhouse.com/And regarding sex, if i slow down or stop it – he will not feel it as a rejection? Of course he will feel rejected, but it’s okay! It’s just part of life and relationship. Whenever we live our life for someone else and reject ourselves so the other person doesn’t have to feel rejected, there are great consequences to that…for you. Besides, being rejected sexually in any relationship is VERY normal. You will NOT always be in the mood and nor will he. It’s just part of all of it. If he cannot handle you asking to slow things down, then he is not relationship material anyway. I have met MANY guys whose desire is to only make me feel safe and honored and they were VERY respectful of whatever I needed and wanted in that department. Give the guy a chance to show you he can be that for you, give him a chance to show you he can handle being “rejected” and give him a chance to show you that he is truly interested in you. And if he shows you anything less than that, the sooner you know the better. Have the strength to love yourself enough to not give your body and sexual energy away in exchange for trying to not hurt his feelings. You do not need to protect him from who you are, but instead give him the gift of your honesty and authenticity.
Heidi
finding the sort of connection I am looking for is rare, let alone shared values and goals. the attraction and chemistry levels are high and the sex is the best I have ever had. So I find it really hard to believe there is anyone better for me out there. You are not alone in this. MANY MANY men and women are searching for their forever person and find it difficult to connect with someone on that deep level. Then they come across someone who lights them up in an unusual, unique way and they hold onto that for dear life, because they finally get to experience a connection – and they ignore many of the things that aren’t working…because the connection is rare and hard to find. I understand. He feels soooooo good in your life. He is your best friend, he has inspired you to be more and better in your life and you don’t believe it’s possible there is better out there. Anyone would hold onto their person with these kinds of thoughts and beliefs in place.
I know it’s hard to lose a best friend and considering the pandemic, our normal ways of being social are cut off. What about focusing on expanding your world. I know A LOT of people who are now taking classes online and meeting a ton of new people from all around. Art classes, language classes, happy hours, workshops etc. Practically every business has found ways to go online and help people connect. Check out meetup.com or mightynetworks.com. Work on filling your life up with other connections, learning something new and expanding your world, beyond him. This can really help you re-design your life in a more empowered way instead of putting all the pressure on him. Thoughts?
I am having a difficult time letting go of the hope he will change his mind, especially as he recently he’d told me he had had a ‘wobble’ over this What makes you think that if you let him go, you guys still can’t be together someday? Letting go of the idea of someone is letting go of control and forcing it to be what you want….that’s all. At this moment in time, the relationship does not work. Who is to say that in a year or 2 years or even 10 years down the road, a door opens up again for you guys. Letting go of the idea of relationship RIGHT NOW is all you are doing. Honor where he is at and trust that love can come into your life again…with someone else or with him. But for RIGHT NOW, what is important is for you to heal, let go of him as a relationship partner and honor what is happening RIGHT NOW. Does this make sense?
Heidi
I’m glad the cake analogy made you laugh a bit. I usually get that response! 🙂
But I’m much too old and wise to believe in that perfect cake anyway. That makes me sad to hear this. There is nothing wise about it. It’s full of hurt really. A healthy relationship and a “perfect” cake is not about perfection…it’s about having ingredients in a cake that ALL work well together. That’s why I keep saying, for a successful cake, you choose someone according to their WORST qualities, not the best. It’s who they are in their worst that will make or break a relationship and that will determine the success of any long term commitment. There are extensive studies on this by the way. It IS known the ingredients needed (and NOT needed) in order to have a cake that you can love and eat! It’s VERY possible and I actually see it everywhere.
this man is the one who has captured my attention when other previous have failed. I think I would like to have an open relationship of with him, my brain actually wants that but I’m too weak emotionally to handle it! Just because he caught your attention, DOES NOT mean he is relationship material nor deserving of your very sacred heart. An open relationship will ruin any relationship that is not solid to begin with. You are trying to fit yourself into a design of a relationship that already is broken to begin with. It is not your emotional “weakness” that wouldn’t allow you to handle that. It would be the lack of integrity, honesty and woundedness that destroy any kind of connection you guys would have. Besides, it’s just not for everybody. It is a VERY difficult design and can work, but it takes a certain kind of personality, a certain kind of relationship and a certain kind of communication. You don’t have ANY of those things to begin with.
I don’t necessarily believe you cannot change for each other, we do change when we get serious, right..? Nope. I look for qualities that show me that a person is changing in their own lives, ALL ON THEIR OWN. If it’s someone who requires the outside world to inspire their growth, then that is a person who is not self motivated, therefore the relationship will always be a challenge, regardless. I’m the type that is always growing and learning because it’s NATURAL for me. I don’t need outside circumstances to motivate me to learn about myself. I’ve dated PLENTY of men who made ME their motivation. They hooked onto me and they started learning and growing, because I required more from them. There is always an expiration date on that kind of design. If he is not even curious about his own life, asking questions of himself, taking action to become better, more healthy, improve himself as a man…then you think that somehow a relationship with you is going to change all of that? That sure is a lot of work for you! But like I said, you get to bake that kind of cake.
It’s simple about the trip. You just say it. You tell him you would like to go dutch. You say, “I’m excited for this trip! Let’s talk about the money side of things because I want to make sure we are on the same page and we both feel comfortable about it all. I’d like to go dutch if that feels okay for you. What are you thinking?” Does being honest and upfront about this not work for you? Do you feel he might get offended or something?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand how difficult it would be to pull back on the sex, considering it’s a door you have already opened. The thing is, it IS your door to open or close anytime you want. You are not trapped in anything here. This relationship is your design as well! So if you want to slow down the sexual aspect, then slow it down. If you want to stop it completely and wait longer so you guys can get to know each other, then do that! it’s YOUR choice! If you lose the guy in the process, then don’t you think you need to know that about him anyway? If he is not willing to stick around and get to know you, beyond sex, in a way that YOU feel good about…then he is not the guy for you.
If you want to change the amount of sex, why not propose to start over? You can say something like, “I’d like to start with a clean slate. It feels like our sexual chemistry is amazing, but more of a focus than what I feel good about at this stage of the game. How about we start over and let’s get to know each other in different ways, without any of the sex and see how we connect without it for a bit. Maybe try it for 1 month and let’s see?”
And how could i STOP overthinking. It is really disturbing me. What is happening is you are just being triggered. Feelings from your past are being brought up right now. You are overthinking as a way to try and manage all that you are feeling. If you really want to stop overthinking, then it’s time to face the hurt you carry from your past. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Charlotte,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. Your dream of having a united family never even began. You’ve had soooo much loss and pain and it’s awful.
You are asking a very important question, but we cannot answer it for you. YOU are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go.
I can reflect back to you what you have shared though. You are unhappy and have been for a long time. He has cheated, he has ghosted, he has done nothing to try and work on the relationship, he chooses his family over you and keeps you and his son a secret and he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore.
Let me ask you this…are you sure you want to work through this amount of baggage? I’d say it’s worth fighting for ONLY IF you both got some help. The amount of damage that has been caused is massive. The amount of hurt is HUGE and in order to truly release and heal all that has happened, you BOTH need someone to help navigate that path. I’m not sure he is the kind of guy who would be willing to open up to a therapist or coach and TRULY face what it takes to heal. The guy has admitted to not even having feelings for you anymore, so I’m not sure what would be left to motivate him to literally deal with and face the amount of hurt he has caused.
You want a united family, but remember that family doesn’t have to be blood related. I have a wonderful family that is full of friends. My blood family does not exist, aside from my mother. But I will tell you, that when I need support, love, encouragement etc. I have people that I can count on. I know it’s not the same as blood family and living in the same household, but it’s still a powerful “family” I am part of. What if you re-created your dream around that kind of vision? Because it sounds like you are just wanting to work this out with him because you want a “family”….something you never had and something you never wanted to put your own son through. But what if you re-created your vision of family? What if you let this guy go and let him be present however he wants. Then you surround yourself with all kinds of loving, wonderful, supportive people that can fill in the gaps. To me, that sounds soooooo much more peaceful and easy than trying to work through an incredible amount of pain and hurt with a guy who isn’t really willing to do the work to change anything.
Just a perspective for you to consider. Thoughts?
Heidi
