Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Oh Brigid…I’m so sorry for what you are struggling with. What’s going on for you? Do you know why this time of year is typically more difficult for you? When was the last time you worked with a doctor to figure out good meds to help you?
Heidi
Hi Tracey!
Welcome from Zimbabwe! My dog was actually born there! The family that had him before me, lived there for a handful of years and rescued him while they lived there. Anyways… I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. You are in an abusive marriage and of course you are hurting and angry and resentful.
Let’s just address your main question here: But how do I move from anger and hurt to being my normal self and not letting is verbal outbursts affect me so much? You move from anger and hurt to your normal self, by first removing yourself from the abuse. You cannot expect yourself to forgive and heal from all the hurt that you are constantly being exposed to. It’s impossible. An analogy I use a lot for people is this: You have CHOSEN to step into a snake pit. You are going to get bit and hurt over and over and over again. As long as you choose to stay there, you are going to continue to get hurt. There is NOTHING to work out or fix or heal from as long as you choose to stay there. The healing begins when you start to make a different choice for yourself.
The truth is, you are betraying yourself first and foremost. You cannot expect ANYONE to truly love and care for you when you don’t treat yourself with respect, kindness and care. You are choosing to stay with a man who is verbally abusive, who cheats and who chooses to blame you for the failure of the marriage. That is a man who has no respect nor care for who you are. Your choice to stay and be treated as such, is YOU not respecting or caring for yourself. So if you want to stop hurting, then it begins with making different choices and removing yourself from an abusive situation. Otherwise, you will just continue to suffer.
I know this is very blunt and may be even quite obvious…I don’t know. Maybe you are looking for any other possible way. There just isn’t any way towards healing AND staying in an abusive relationship. There are no shortcuts or secrets for that formula. It just doesn’t exist.
What is keeping you with him?
Heidi
So does this mean you and Daniel are having email exchanges? I know he is working a lot, but is there a conversation starting to brew?
You didn’t say how many days were left in your last message…lol
I like that Dean is pretty consistent. It sounds like he is really putting in some good effort. ARe you enjoying your exchanges? It doesn’t sound like you are very excited about him.
What’s the story with Russell? Are you guys interacting again as well?
heidi
I just wish i knew if he was gonna come back or not. But only time will tell. I have wished the same thing MANY times. It’s normal after an ending. So much is up in the air. It’s sad that he doesn’t believe he needs any extra help. I don’t know a human being alive that couldn’t benefit from having objective, skilled and wise support from another person. He is missing out on soooo much information and understanding about himself…it’s a bummer. I find the best way to move forward is to not wonder. I close the door completely and I create the ending myself. He is NOT coming back. It’s time for you to heal and let go of any possible future. If, by some chance, he does come back…you will have a clean slate to work with and you can decide in that moment, whether it’s something you want. If he doesn’t come back, you will have spent your time healing and releasing him, which allows for new experiences to come into your life. I’m soooo so sorry you have to go through this. It’s a lot and it’s heartbreaking!
Heidi
I’m not saying to share everything. Some of what you are feeling is about your own insecurities. Those are things you can be dealing with on your own. It’s good to go in doses. I’m just saying that if you are saying things based on HIS reactions, you are living your life FOR HIM and not really being 100% who you truly are. How come? Are you afraid that he won’t like who you REALLY are? Has that happened before?
Heidi
I want to bring you back to yourself. You keep doubting if you are being too harsh or maybe some of this is the fault of the pandemic and you not being there. The thing is, you feel how you feel. You keep wanting to negotiate away your feelings, when your feelings have PLENTY of evidence for them. He is lying, he is manipulative with women, he carries a lot of low self-esteem and so far, has not shown you he is capable of anything you want from him. Yet, you keep chasing after him…which is your right. But let’s be really clear here…you are giving your power away to a man and a relationship that is subpar. It’s not up to your standards. It’s not what you want to feel, but you keep trying to fit yourself into a design and with a man that doesn’t completely work for you. Relationships don’t have to be this hard. Relationships CAN be easy and full of trust. He carries so much low self-esteem that whatever kind of relationship you have with this guy, it’s going to be messy. So maybe what needs to happen is that you fully EMBRACE that you are choosing something messy. That means you are going to feel a lot of your insecurities. THat means you guys will probably fight a lot. That means he will lie to you a lot and hide things from you. I’m sure you will also have a lot of great things as well.
Here is the analogy I like to use. I can’t remember if I said this to you before, so my apologies if I am repeating myself.
Imagine I give you the MOST AMAZING recipe to a cake. I get you all the finest and best ingredients…AND I tell you that you must add 1 cup of poop. No matter what you do to that cake, no matter how gorgeous it turns out or how amazing some of the ingredients are, it doesn’t change that the 1 cup of poop changes and effects everything. You keep trying to turn this cake (the relationship) into something amazing with the 1 cup of poop as part of the ingredients. So…you can either give up and accept what it is and realize there is NOTHING you can do about that 1 cup of poop because it’s HIS baggage and for him to deal with. It’s the kind of baggage that has harmful and toxic effects on a relationship. So give up trying to the make the cake or accept that it’s going to have 1 cup of poop in it and that means it’s will be a cake you will always struggle with. Is it you being too harsh? No. It’s you knowing what you NEED in order to feel safe with a man and in a relationship. So you either honor that or you don’t and keep struggling.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
I’m sooooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s awful to connect with someone in such a great way, only to have them completely ghost you. Yes, he has moved on. Yes, he ghosted you.
My question is, are you sure you want to try and invite him back into your life, knowing what he is capable of? He is not a man of his word. Is that not enough to know about him to know he is not someone who will take very good care of your heart?
Ghosting is actually one of the most common issues with online dating. You are NOT alone. I’d hate for you to develop trust issues because of how other men are treating you. I know it’s hard though. I’ve had plenty of experiences where men could have shattered my heart, but I ALWAYS choose to forgive. My goal, is to view each man with a clean slate. Every man will bring some sort of challenging issue to the table, because he has baggage…and the same is true about me. But I do my best to see each person through clear eyes and not the eyes of the past wrongdoings of others. That’s where forgiveness comes in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Every situation is different Melissa, therefore it’s important to consider all of the details of a situation in order to make a decision that feels good for you. Your guy is sending a mixed message by saying he wants space, but he also wants more attention. To me, that just means he is really confused about what he wants, so then you are confused. Personally, I’m a big fan of just having honest communication. By you asking for clarification so you can better support him, is NOT asking him to come back. It’s just about you trying to understand him more. If he takes offense to that or if he pushes you away even further, then wouldn’t you say that is information you need to know about him anyways? If your relationship cannot survive you asking for more understanding from, then your relationship may be more fragile than you realized.
This is just my approach, according to your specific situation, but it doesn’t at all mean you have to follow it. You can just keep doing what you are doing as well. Keep giving him space and time and when you have the chance, you show him appreciation, offer compliments and see how it goes.
There is no one right answer here. There are just options. No matter what path you choose, if this relationship is that fragile and breakable, it won’t matter what path you take….it’s going to break anyways. What’s important is for you to be who YOU are. Be authentic, honest and be present. He deserves to know the REAL you…so if the real you wants to ask for clarification and just check in with him…then do it. If the real you wants to keep stepping back and giving him space and doing what you are doing now…then do that.
Does it make sense what I am getting at?
Heidi
I’m so sorry for all that you have had to survive. It’s an awful feeling to live with feeling like you don’t matter in your life. I love that you are fighting for more for yourself. That’s what matters most!!!
As far as your response to asking him what he wanted to do, it was a good one! I would not suggest to hope for anything “regular” though. That’s asking for a bit much. Most “friends” that are male and female, especially shifting out of a dating relationship, will need more space than that. Think of meeting up on a monthly basis. What kinds of things could you do once a month that would keep it fun and light?
Heidi
Oh good! I am soooo glad you got some good closure and that you and his friends were able to connect and have some fun together!!!
I felt hurt but I believe that my love will change his mindset. I believe that when he asks me for a second chance, I would have all the power such that he would be more than willing to rectify his wrongdoings and b4e committed to me. For that, I understand that I would really need to work on myself. When I feel good on the inside, I would be able to glow on the outside. This is a beautiful thought. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t really work that way. Your love for him is not what will change his mindset. That is within him. Remember, he has some SERIOUS baggage and harmful thoughts and beliefs about women, so no matter what YOU do, that will not change what lives in him. He can come back, but because of the baggage he carries, eventually at some point down the road, he will sabotage the relationship again. He may cheat again or he may do something else…who knows. He is not emotionally set up to have a healthy, long term, sustainable love. Regardless, you DO need to work on yourself so you can glow from the inside out. It’s important you do it just for yourself and not in order to get him back. He may come back or he may not. Who knows. The first step is for you to stop stalking him and show him you can respect the space he is asking for. Is that something you feel you can finally do?
Heidi
how should i behave if he brings if up too often ? Idk but it seems to be something that comes natural, and i like it most of times. In other times- I feel it’s too much and too often. What’s most important is to honor yourself. It sounds like you are just doing whatever it is HE wants to do. It sounds like it is more about HIS design and what you need and want are not part of it. What is stopping you from saying something? What if you got a list of 100 questions….fun questions…and each conversation you guys go through 2 or 3 questions with each other. That can help deepen the relationship without the sexual intimicay. And again, it’s important for you to allow yourself to be known by him. If you are not in the mood to be sexual, communicate that to him.
When he is giving me attention i feel in live and happy like i want a lot to be with him. When he is not calling, texting or replying if i text him, like almost all the day – i feel frustrated, upset, gelous, disapointed , angry and i feel like this all is a mistake. So your feelings are based on how he behaves? This is putting all the power of your happiness into his hands. You are happy according to whether or not he connects with you that day. Is this how you want to live? Is this the kind of relationship you want to continue being in? Basically, you are putting your self-esteem and value into his hands. If he contacts you, you feel good about yourself and in your life. If he doesn’t contact you, you don’t feel good about yourself and your life. What should you do? That’s the hard part. I would say small steps are important, but it’s important for you to start to exist in the relationship instead of you constantly adjusting to him. You let him know your complaint and that is good! Can you do more of that? Not necessarily a complaint, but letting him know your REAL feelings. What other kinds of things would you like to tell him that you aren’t sharing about how you feel?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
How awful. I am so sorry you were blindsided like this. I imagine you are so confused. Let’s see if we can figure out what is happening.
How is his career/job situation? Is he stable financially and does he love what he does? Is there anything major that has happened in his life like someone dying or an unexpected event? Looking back, do you notice any signs of him starting to feel uncomfortable with the relationship? ARe you guys still talking at all or has he completely closed off?
Heidi
I”m sooooo so sorry Samantha. It sounds like you got a deeper reality check of where he really is inside his heart and mind…and that it doesn’t include you. It sounds like your dreams were shattered on another level. Is this what it feels like for you?
I know that in breakups, some of the hardest moments are letting go of the vision, the dreams created around another person. Letting that aspect go, is incredibly challenging and heartbreaking. One technique I like to use is called “finish the story.” Many times, we will loop around a portion of the story…the worst part and the most painful part…which leads into feelings of hurt and suffering. So finishing the story means adding the second half of the story where the truth lives and make it a full mental loop. For example, you might be saying “I miss him so much. It hurts that he doesn’t want me.” To create the FULL story, you would instead say “I miss him so much. It hurts that he doesn’t want me. AND I will be okay. I will create a new vision, a new dream and I will be happy again.” So anytime you are finding yourself heading deeper into the hurt of the loss of him, finish your mental loops with a positive truth. Does this make sense?
Heidi
HAHAHA!! You are cracking me up!!! You would be surprised at how many people do this. So this is the guy that works at the same company with the mystery man that gave you his card about the nature preserves??
I think it’s a good idea to start somewhere local and with a lot of people. Men these days, are typically very respectful and understand a woman’s need to feel safe in today’s world. If that’s an issue for him or if he tries to convince you otherwise, then you know he is someone to be cautious of.
I love this though! I love that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and having fun with it! It’s scary and it’s fun and exciting and goodness knows….you need some of that in your life!!!!
I can’t wait to hear what happens!
Heidi
