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Here are some books websites/books to maybe explore. See what resonates for you. Have you ever thought of working with a coach or therapist?
https://www.debbieford.com/
Here are 2 websites that have podcasts and books and programs from all kinds of authors that are about healing:
https://www.soundstrue.com/
https://www.hayhouse.com/And regarding sex, if i slow down or stop it – he will not feel it as a rejection? Of course he will feel rejected, but it’s okay! It’s just part of life and relationship. Whenever we live our life for someone else and reject ourselves so the other person doesn’t have to feel rejected, there are great consequences to that…for you. Besides, being rejected sexually in any relationship is VERY normal. You will NOT always be in the mood and nor will he. It’s just part of all of it. If he cannot handle you asking to slow things down, then he is not relationship material anyway. I have met MANY guys whose desire is to only make me feel safe and honored and they were VERY respectful of whatever I needed and wanted in that department. Give the guy a chance to show you he can be that for you, give him a chance to show you he can handle being “rejected” and give him a chance to show you that he is truly interested in you. And if he shows you anything less than that, the sooner you know the better. Have the strength to love yourself enough to not give your body and sexual energy away in exchange for trying to not hurt his feelings. You do not need to protect him from who you are, but instead give him the gift of your honesty and authenticity.
Heidi
finding the sort of connection I am looking for is rare, let alone shared values and goals. the attraction and chemistry levels are high and the sex is the best I have ever had. So I find it really hard to believe there is anyone better for me out there. You are not alone in this. MANY MANY men and women are searching for their forever person and find it difficult to connect with someone on that deep level. Then they come across someone who lights them up in an unusual, unique way and they hold onto that for dear life, because they finally get to experience a connection – and they ignore many of the things that aren’t working…because the connection is rare and hard to find. I understand. He feels soooooo good in your life. He is your best friend, he has inspired you to be more and better in your life and you don’t believe it’s possible there is better out there. Anyone would hold onto their person with these kinds of thoughts and beliefs in place.
I know it’s hard to lose a best friend and considering the pandemic, our normal ways of being social are cut off. What about focusing on expanding your world. I know A LOT of people who are now taking classes online and meeting a ton of new people from all around. Art classes, language classes, happy hours, workshops etc. Practically every business has found ways to go online and help people connect. Check out meetup.com or mightynetworks.com. Work on filling your life up with other connections, learning something new and expanding your world, beyond him. This can really help you re-design your life in a more empowered way instead of putting all the pressure on him. Thoughts?
I am having a difficult time letting go of the hope he will change his mind, especially as he recently he’d told me he had had a ‘wobble’ over this What makes you think that if you let him go, you guys still can’t be together someday? Letting go of the idea of someone is letting go of control and forcing it to be what you want….that’s all. At this moment in time, the relationship does not work. Who is to say that in a year or 2 years or even 10 years down the road, a door opens up again for you guys. Letting go of the idea of relationship RIGHT NOW is all you are doing. Honor where he is at and trust that love can come into your life again…with someone else or with him. But for RIGHT NOW, what is important is for you to heal, let go of him as a relationship partner and honor what is happening RIGHT NOW. Does this make sense?
Heidi
I’m glad the cake analogy made you laugh a bit. I usually get that response! 🙂
But I’m much too old and wise to believe in that perfect cake anyway. That makes me sad to hear this. There is nothing wise about it. It’s full of hurt really. A healthy relationship and a “perfect” cake is not about perfection…it’s about having ingredients in a cake that ALL work well together. That’s why I keep saying, for a successful cake, you choose someone according to their WORST qualities, not the best. It’s who they are in their worst that will make or break a relationship and that will determine the success of any long term commitment. There are extensive studies on this by the way. It IS known the ingredients needed (and NOT needed) in order to have a cake that you can love and eat! It’s VERY possible and I actually see it everywhere.
this man is the one who has captured my attention when other previous have failed. I think I would like to have an open relationship of with him, my brain actually wants that but I’m too weak emotionally to handle it! Just because he caught your attention, DOES NOT mean he is relationship material nor deserving of your very sacred heart. An open relationship will ruin any relationship that is not solid to begin with. You are trying to fit yourself into a design of a relationship that already is broken to begin with. It is not your emotional “weakness” that wouldn’t allow you to handle that. It would be the lack of integrity, honesty and woundedness that destroy any kind of connection you guys would have. Besides, it’s just not for everybody. It is a VERY difficult design and can work, but it takes a certain kind of personality, a certain kind of relationship and a certain kind of communication. You don’t have ANY of those things to begin with.
I don’t necessarily believe you cannot change for each other, we do change when we get serious, right..? Nope. I look for qualities that show me that a person is changing in their own lives, ALL ON THEIR OWN. If it’s someone who requires the outside world to inspire their growth, then that is a person who is not self motivated, therefore the relationship will always be a challenge, regardless. I’m the type that is always growing and learning because it’s NATURAL for me. I don’t need outside circumstances to motivate me to learn about myself. I’ve dated PLENTY of men who made ME their motivation. They hooked onto me and they started learning and growing, because I required more from them. There is always an expiration date on that kind of design. If he is not even curious about his own life, asking questions of himself, taking action to become better, more healthy, improve himself as a man…then you think that somehow a relationship with you is going to change all of that? That sure is a lot of work for you! But like I said, you get to bake that kind of cake.
It’s simple about the trip. You just say it. You tell him you would like to go dutch. You say, “I’m excited for this trip! Let’s talk about the money side of things because I want to make sure we are on the same page and we both feel comfortable about it all. I’d like to go dutch if that feels okay for you. What are you thinking?” Does being honest and upfront about this not work for you? Do you feel he might get offended or something?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand how difficult it would be to pull back on the sex, considering it’s a door you have already opened. The thing is, it IS your door to open or close anytime you want. You are not trapped in anything here. This relationship is your design as well! So if you want to slow down the sexual aspect, then slow it down. If you want to stop it completely and wait longer so you guys can get to know each other, then do that! it’s YOUR choice! If you lose the guy in the process, then don’t you think you need to know that about him anyway? If he is not willing to stick around and get to know you, beyond sex, in a way that YOU feel good about…then he is not the guy for you.
If you want to change the amount of sex, why not propose to start over? You can say something like, “I’d like to start with a clean slate. It feels like our sexual chemistry is amazing, but more of a focus than what I feel good about at this stage of the game. How about we start over and let’s get to know each other in different ways, without any of the sex and see how we connect without it for a bit. Maybe try it for 1 month and let’s see?”
And how could i STOP overthinking. It is really disturbing me. What is happening is you are just being triggered. Feelings from your past are being brought up right now. You are overthinking as a way to try and manage all that you are feeling. If you really want to stop overthinking, then it’s time to face the hurt you carry from your past. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Charlotte,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. Your dream of having a united family never even began. You’ve had soooo much loss and pain and it’s awful.
You are asking a very important question, but we cannot answer it for you. YOU are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go.
I can reflect back to you what you have shared though. You are unhappy and have been for a long time. He has cheated, he has ghosted, he has done nothing to try and work on the relationship, he chooses his family over you and keeps you and his son a secret and he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore.
Let me ask you this…are you sure you want to work through this amount of baggage? I’d say it’s worth fighting for ONLY IF you both got some help. The amount of damage that has been caused is massive. The amount of hurt is HUGE and in order to truly release and heal all that has happened, you BOTH need someone to help navigate that path. I’m not sure he is the kind of guy who would be willing to open up to a therapist or coach and TRULY face what it takes to heal. The guy has admitted to not even having feelings for you anymore, so I’m not sure what would be left to motivate him to literally deal with and face the amount of hurt he has caused.
You want a united family, but remember that family doesn’t have to be blood related. I have a wonderful family that is full of friends. My blood family does not exist, aside from my mother. But I will tell you, that when I need support, love, encouragement etc. I have people that I can count on. I know it’s not the same as blood family and living in the same household, but it’s still a powerful “family” I am part of. What if you re-created your dream around that kind of vision? Because it sounds like you are just wanting to work this out with him because you want a “family”….something you never had and something you never wanted to put your own son through. But what if you re-created your vision of family? What if you let this guy go and let him be present however he wants. Then you surround yourself with all kinds of loving, wonderful, supportive people that can fill in the gaps. To me, that sounds soooooo much more peaceful and easy than trying to work through an incredible amount of pain and hurt with a guy who isn’t really willing to do the work to change anything.
Just a perspective for you to consider. Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh Brigid…I’m so sorry for what you are struggling with. What’s going on for you? Do you know why this time of year is typically more difficult for you? When was the last time you worked with a doctor to figure out good meds to help you?
Heidi
Hi Tracey!
Welcome from Zimbabwe! My dog was actually born there! The family that had him before me, lived there for a handful of years and rescued him while they lived there. Anyways… I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. You are in an abusive marriage and of course you are hurting and angry and resentful.
Let’s just address your main question here: But how do I move from anger and hurt to being my normal self and not letting is verbal outbursts affect me so much? You move from anger and hurt to your normal self, by first removing yourself from the abuse. You cannot expect yourself to forgive and heal from all the hurt that you are constantly being exposed to. It’s impossible. An analogy I use a lot for people is this: You have CHOSEN to step into a snake pit. You are going to get bit and hurt over and over and over again. As long as you choose to stay there, you are going to continue to get hurt. There is NOTHING to work out or fix or heal from as long as you choose to stay there. The healing begins when you start to make a different choice for yourself.
The truth is, you are betraying yourself first and foremost. You cannot expect ANYONE to truly love and care for you when you don’t treat yourself with respect, kindness and care. You are choosing to stay with a man who is verbally abusive, who cheats and who chooses to blame you for the failure of the marriage. That is a man who has no respect nor care for who you are. Your choice to stay and be treated as such, is YOU not respecting or caring for yourself. So if you want to stop hurting, then it begins with making different choices and removing yourself from an abusive situation. Otherwise, you will just continue to suffer.
I know this is very blunt and may be even quite obvious…I don’t know. Maybe you are looking for any other possible way. There just isn’t any way towards healing AND staying in an abusive relationship. There are no shortcuts or secrets for that formula. It just doesn’t exist.
What is keeping you with him?
Heidi
So does this mean you and Daniel are having email exchanges? I know he is working a lot, but is there a conversation starting to brew?
You didn’t say how many days were left in your last message…lol
I like that Dean is pretty consistent. It sounds like he is really putting in some good effort. ARe you enjoying your exchanges? It doesn’t sound like you are very excited about him.
What’s the story with Russell? Are you guys interacting again as well?
heidi
I just wish i knew if he was gonna come back or not. But only time will tell. I have wished the same thing MANY times. It’s normal after an ending. So much is up in the air. It’s sad that he doesn’t believe he needs any extra help. I don’t know a human being alive that couldn’t benefit from having objective, skilled and wise support from another person. He is missing out on soooo much information and understanding about himself…it’s a bummer. I find the best way to move forward is to not wonder. I close the door completely and I create the ending myself. He is NOT coming back. It’s time for you to heal and let go of any possible future. If, by some chance, he does come back…you will have a clean slate to work with and you can decide in that moment, whether it’s something you want. If he doesn’t come back, you will have spent your time healing and releasing him, which allows for new experiences to come into your life. I’m soooo so sorry you have to go through this. It’s a lot and it’s heartbreaking!
Heidi
I’m not saying to share everything. Some of what you are feeling is about your own insecurities. Those are things you can be dealing with on your own. It’s good to go in doses. I’m just saying that if you are saying things based on HIS reactions, you are living your life FOR HIM and not really being 100% who you truly are. How come? Are you afraid that he won’t like who you REALLY are? Has that happened before?
Heidi
I want to bring you back to yourself. You keep doubting if you are being too harsh or maybe some of this is the fault of the pandemic and you not being there. The thing is, you feel how you feel. You keep wanting to negotiate away your feelings, when your feelings have PLENTY of evidence for them. He is lying, he is manipulative with women, he carries a lot of low self-esteem and so far, has not shown you he is capable of anything you want from him. Yet, you keep chasing after him…which is your right. But let’s be really clear here…you are giving your power away to a man and a relationship that is subpar. It’s not up to your standards. It’s not what you want to feel, but you keep trying to fit yourself into a design and with a man that doesn’t completely work for you. Relationships don’t have to be this hard. Relationships CAN be easy and full of trust. He carries so much low self-esteem that whatever kind of relationship you have with this guy, it’s going to be messy. So maybe what needs to happen is that you fully EMBRACE that you are choosing something messy. That means you are going to feel a lot of your insecurities. THat means you guys will probably fight a lot. That means he will lie to you a lot and hide things from you. I’m sure you will also have a lot of great things as well.
Here is the analogy I like to use. I can’t remember if I said this to you before, so my apologies if I am repeating myself.
Imagine I give you the MOST AMAZING recipe to a cake. I get you all the finest and best ingredients…AND I tell you that you must add 1 cup of poop. No matter what you do to that cake, no matter how gorgeous it turns out or how amazing some of the ingredients are, it doesn’t change that the 1 cup of poop changes and effects everything. You keep trying to turn this cake (the relationship) into something amazing with the 1 cup of poop as part of the ingredients. So…you can either give up and accept what it is and realize there is NOTHING you can do about that 1 cup of poop because it’s HIS baggage and for him to deal with. It’s the kind of baggage that has harmful and toxic effects on a relationship. So give up trying to the make the cake or accept that it’s going to have 1 cup of poop in it and that means it’s will be a cake you will always struggle with. Is it you being too harsh? No. It’s you knowing what you NEED in order to feel safe with a man and in a relationship. So you either honor that or you don’t and keep struggling.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
I’m sooooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s awful to connect with someone in such a great way, only to have them completely ghost you. Yes, he has moved on. Yes, he ghosted you.
My question is, are you sure you want to try and invite him back into your life, knowing what he is capable of? He is not a man of his word. Is that not enough to know about him to know he is not someone who will take very good care of your heart?
Ghosting is actually one of the most common issues with online dating. You are NOT alone. I’d hate for you to develop trust issues because of how other men are treating you. I know it’s hard though. I’ve had plenty of experiences where men could have shattered my heart, but I ALWAYS choose to forgive. My goal, is to view each man with a clean slate. Every man will bring some sort of challenging issue to the table, because he has baggage…and the same is true about me. But I do my best to see each person through clear eyes and not the eyes of the past wrongdoings of others. That’s where forgiveness comes in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Every situation is different Melissa, therefore it’s important to consider all of the details of a situation in order to make a decision that feels good for you. Your guy is sending a mixed message by saying he wants space, but he also wants more attention. To me, that just means he is really confused about what he wants, so then you are confused. Personally, I’m a big fan of just having honest communication. By you asking for clarification so you can better support him, is NOT asking him to come back. It’s just about you trying to understand him more. If he takes offense to that or if he pushes you away even further, then wouldn’t you say that is information you need to know about him anyways? If your relationship cannot survive you asking for more understanding from, then your relationship may be more fragile than you realized.
This is just my approach, according to your specific situation, but it doesn’t at all mean you have to follow it. You can just keep doing what you are doing as well. Keep giving him space and time and when you have the chance, you show him appreciation, offer compliments and see how it goes.
There is no one right answer here. There are just options. No matter what path you choose, if this relationship is that fragile and breakable, it won’t matter what path you take….it’s going to break anyways. What’s important is for you to be who YOU are. Be authentic, honest and be present. He deserves to know the REAL you…so if the real you wants to ask for clarification and just check in with him…then do it. If the real you wants to keep stepping back and giving him space and doing what you are doing now…then do that.
Does it make sense what I am getting at?
Heidi
I’m so sorry for all that you have had to survive. It’s an awful feeling to live with feeling like you don’t matter in your life. I love that you are fighting for more for yourself. That’s what matters most!!!
As far as your response to asking him what he wanted to do, it was a good one! I would not suggest to hope for anything “regular” though. That’s asking for a bit much. Most “friends” that are male and female, especially shifting out of a dating relationship, will need more space than that. Think of meeting up on a monthly basis. What kinds of things could you do once a month that would keep it fun and light?
Heidi
Oh good! I am soooo glad you got some good closure and that you and his friends were able to connect and have some fun together!!!
I felt hurt but I believe that my love will change his mindset. I believe that when he asks me for a second chance, I would have all the power such that he would be more than willing to rectify his wrongdoings and b4e committed to me. For that, I understand that I would really need to work on myself. When I feel good on the inside, I would be able to glow on the outside. This is a beautiful thought. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t really work that way. Your love for him is not what will change his mindset. That is within him. Remember, he has some SERIOUS baggage and harmful thoughts and beliefs about women, so no matter what YOU do, that will not change what lives in him. He can come back, but because of the baggage he carries, eventually at some point down the road, he will sabotage the relationship again. He may cheat again or he may do something else…who knows. He is not emotionally set up to have a healthy, long term, sustainable love. Regardless, you DO need to work on yourself so you can glow from the inside out. It’s important you do it just for yourself and not in order to get him back. He may come back or he may not. Who knows. The first step is for you to stop stalking him and show him you can respect the space he is asking for. Is that something you feel you can finally do?
Heidi
