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Please understand this letter is not to blame you in anyway. It is to help you to see the situation from his perspective. If you still love him, all you need to do is to “lay low”, change your attitude & I believe you both can be happy together again.
It doesn’t mean the Western culture is not right but the divorce rate is high. I do not disagree equality between women & men but I hope you can think & apply the oriental culture ”
Holy smokes this guy is messed up and manipulative. He offers a lot of compliments all the while telling you that you need to be more submissive, less strong and that you are at fault for why the marriage is ending. But he says it all in the midst of complimenting you. He is quite sneaky and all he is doing is manipulating you. If you just simply look at the 2 statements above, it says the truth about how he feels. YOU need to change. He does not believe in divorce and feels YOU need to be more submissive and less strong and the marriage will work. YUK!!! He has no interest in knowing you or truly understanding what is happening. And that’s okay. He gets to be who he is. I would not spend a single amount of effort trying to explain anything to him. DO NOT explain the donation. It will cause a HUGE rift between him and his son which will come back onto you. His dad NEEDS to think of you as the bad guy here. That’s important. His son has created quite the illusion and it’s not for you to break that or ruin that unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of that. I suggest to let it go. Allow yourself to be the “bad” guy and let his father think what he wants about you. Now you know where your husband gets his programming from. His father is awful!
For example I asked him to do something nicely and he said No, don’t order me around. But as you said, I have to MANAGE the situation so I just bit my tongue and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Well done!!!! Everything you are doing to manage the situation is spectacular!!! Yes, you will have MANY hard moments, but when you keep your focus on the higher good, you are protecting yourself from being demeaned and disregarded. So biting your tongue is much more kind to yourself than to argue with a guy doesn’t get it and then experience being disregarded and criticized.
To that he explained himself to me that “you know where I’m coming from right? I’m not going to abuse it, I just don’t want to have to fight or ask for your opinion over small things”. I didn’t say anything because it just proves that he still doesn’t value what is important to me. It might be trivial to him, but what if it matters to me? Heidi, am I reading this right? You are spot on!!! he just doesn’t get it and never will as long as his father is his guide.
So what are your plans? I don’t actually know when or how you plan on getting out of there and separating from him. Do you feel completely 100% solid that you want a divorce? What’s your mindset?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand the insecurity you feel about everything. He is just now opening back up again a little bit. He is connecting more and that is a great sign! For now, just continue to create the space for him to be who he is. You had the opportunity to tell him how you felt and how you are growing and how you feel. Now let it sit for a bit. Next time you see him, do not bring it up. You expressed your wishes to talk about it in person, now let him take the lead on it…just for now. Just sit back and let him bring it up. If he doesn’t, just keep doing what you are doing. Keep connecting, keep things light and easy and fun. Keep giving him compliments. Keep letting him know what you are learning about yourself. But still let him take the lead….for now. I know this is hard. Give it a few more weeks and let things keep playing out naturally. You can even say to him in person “I know you said you wanted to talk about where your head is at while we are in person. I just want you to know that it’s okay if you are not ready for that yet. You know how I feel about you and you know the kinds of changes I am making for myself so I can be a better partner. I also know it all takes time and I also trust your process. Just know there is no pressure. I trust that you will tell me whenever it is you feel you have enough clarity to talk about it. So for now, I am fully enjoying your company and love connecting so I’m just choosing to focus on that and let the rest of it go.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Brigid,
I would encourage you to NOT talk to him about it. Remember, you are just friends, not dating, so you need time to build the friendship part up. That means, giving him space to be himself. He may not initiate a conversation for a few weeks or even a month. That’s how friends truly operate. I know you want him back, but it’s too soon to push a lot of communication with him. If he is truly going to stay connected with you, he needs to feel like you will honor his choice and not try to push yourself into his life. I love that you guys talked for that long. That’s fabulous! Now let him feel that for a few days. Don’t contact him. Let him feel his life without you in it as well. That is really important!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Let’s talk about your feelings for a second. How to understand if he’s the right guy. If he is for me. There is no such thing as a “right” guy. He is the right guy for you right now, because you are choosing him. He is triggering you quite a bit, so he is the right guy to push your buttons, to help you grow and learn and push you to your edge. Reality is, relationships and love are very unpredictable and are meant to push every little button that exists within you. There are no guarantees. For a healthy love, it requires staying in the present moment. You are trying to decide your future with him and whether he is worth your effort, but the truth is, FOR TODAY, you are not willing to let him go. FOR TODAY, you are learning about yourself and have some new things you are wanting to practice and develop in yourself – which is using your voice and allowing your TRUE self to be known and heard. FOR TODAY, experiencing yourself that way is an important part of your growth. FOR TODAY, he is indirectly helping you grow as a person. Relationships are not always about taking the path towards love. Many times, it’s just about getting to know yourself through being triggered, having the opportunity to shift and release fears and insecurities and learning new ways to be. It sounds like that is his purpose for you….FOR TODAY. That purpose could change or not change…who knows.
A way that I like to look at relationships is this….It’s time to shop for a new pair of jeans. You know how you will get several pair in the dressing rooms and some jeans you INSTANTLY know they don’t work. Some you will try on and think “Maybe…I like how this look here, but honestly, I’m not so sure.” Those jeans go in the maybe pile while you keep trying on other jeans. Then there is that pair, that you INSTANTLY know…”Yes! These look and feel great!” Then you try on the maybe jeans again and decide against them because you now have the “yes” jeans. What you are doing with this guy is trying to turn your “maybe” into a “yes.” You have resistance and questions and there is something stopping you from easily and effortlessly saying “yes.” That’s okay! Listen to that and honor that! I will tell you, there absolutely is a guy out there where there is a complete and instant “yes” that comes from within you. There will be nothing stopping you, or him for that matter, from wanting to grow and experience each other to the fullest degree. That experience DOES exist. Just something to think about.
But how to bring it up, so it will be constructive and not annoying? I don’t want to give him the feeling like i am chasing him I don’t think you guys have agreed to be in a committed relationship, yes? I think you guys are just in the phase of getting to know each other and dating, right? If I am wrong, please tell me. If I am correct, then you don’t say anything. He has every right to continue to explore and get to know other people. The issue here is, you want more from him. You want more attention and you want to slow things down. Tinder is irrelevant. Even if you didn’t see that Tinder app, it doesn’t change that you want more attention from him and you want to slow things down. So I encourage you to focus on what you need and let the app go. You are not even fully invested in this guy, so he wouldn’t be fully invested in you yet either. So if you want to change the design of this relationship, then talk to him about that specifically. Be VERY CLEAR about what you want and speak to him in very literal terms. Men need that. I would just focus on 1 thing at the moment. You want to slow things down sexually, so talk to him about that. Let him know that you as much as you completely enjoy the sexual connection with him, it feels out of balance for you. It can 1 of 2 ways…either increase the amount of connection / attention with you that is NOT sexual and the sex can stay the same OR decrease the amount of sexual connection to bring it into balance.
Here is a fabulous website and incredible resource for dating and relationships. The Gottmans have studied relationships for over 30 years and they are the only ones, to date, that have a 20 years official study about what makes a couple last longer than 20 years (and actually be happy). When you TRULY understand what makes a relationship work and not work (and they have the science to back it up), then you reverse engineer. For example, the 4 horseman are important to understand because if these are present in a relationship, a breakup is inevitable or at the very least, you will be part of a very unhappy couple. So when you date, you look for signs of the 4 horseman. This is part of how you build your standards. Hope this helps bring you some clarity…https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/dating-premarital/
Heidi
You told me to just go with the flow and say ‘I trust him on everything’ for the time being! Let me clarify. Going with the flow DOES NOT mean you don’t say what you feel and need. It just means you don’t fight against or try to control what is happening. You still need to be yourself, honest and authentic about how you feel. So it would look like, “I have to be honest and let you know that the trip you planned is not really my kind of thing. So if you want to go on a trip with me, it would need to be something different.” This IS going with the flow by allowing your feelings and needs to be presented and heard. He can then decide what he wants to do with that. I also don’t remember saying to trust him on everything. Inherently, he is someone you do not feel safe with. I teach to NOT put trust in others, but instead trust in yourself. Reality is, others WILL break your trust. It’s inevitable and part of the relationship. When that trust is broken, it’s CRUCIAL that you have trust in yourself as a foundation. You trust in yourself that no matter what he chooses and does, you KNOW you are going to be okay. You are resilient, you are resourceful and you will heal and be okay no matter what. Trust in yourself needs to be the focus and act as the foundation to the trust you build with other people.
Wow! He wanted you to travel 20 hours for less than a week? No way! That’s not worth it. If you are going to travel that far, I definitely agree that at least 2 weeks is necessary. That’s a bummer. So you are now going on a trip with a friend? How do you feel about that?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling? Any new developments? Any thoughts or feelings about what I said? What is your mindset right now about the breakup?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
I thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? New thoughts or feelings? How are things going between you guys? Was his mini getaway helpful for him?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. What’s going on for you? Has anything new happened? How are you feeling? How are you processing what has happened?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? Are you still confused? Frustrated? Have you decided to just continue to give him space for right now?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Just checking in. How are you feeling about what I said and expressing yourself more authentically, even if he feels rejected? Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
I thought I’d check-in and see how you are doing. Do you have any thoughts or feelings about what I said? How do you feel you want to move forward with your situation?
Heidi
Hey there!
Just wanted to check in. It’s been about a week. I’m sure he is back in town and that you have had a lot more interactions. Your mindset has changed over the last few weeks, so I’m curious how that is affecting you and how you are doing dealing with him. Have you been able to shift your communication style a bit to help keep the peace?
Heidi
Hi Brigid. Just wanted to check-in. How are you doing? Are you and your guy able to start a friendship? Have you guys made any plans to hang out? Is he being responsive at all?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Do you feel all that you are doing is working? What kinds of shifts are you feeling inside of yourself from doing all of this work? This pandemic is going to take a lot more time. Let’s say everything opens back up again by Christmas. What do you imagine you will be like by then? What do you want to have happen between you guys at that point? What do you imagine you want to be like when everything opens back up again?
Heidi
