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Hi Ecaterina,
Just checking in. How are you feeling about what I said and expressing yourself more authentically, even if he feels rejected? Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Sam,
I thought I’d check-in and see how you are doing. Do you have any thoughts or feelings about what I said? How do you feel you want to move forward with your situation?
Heidi
Hey there!
Just wanted to check in. It’s been about a week. I’m sure he is back in town and that you have had a lot more interactions. Your mindset has changed over the last few weeks, so I’m curious how that is affecting you and how you are doing dealing with him. Have you been able to shift your communication style a bit to help keep the peace?
Heidi
Hi Brigid. Just wanted to check-in. How are you doing? Are you and your guy able to start a friendship? Have you guys made any plans to hang out? Is he being responsive at all?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Do you feel all that you are doing is working? What kinds of shifts are you feeling inside of yourself from doing all of this work? This pandemic is going to take a lot more time. Let’s say everything opens back up again by Christmas. What do you imagine you will be like by then? What do you want to have happen between you guys at that point? What do you imagine you want to be like when everything opens back up again?
Heidi
That is strange how Daniel behaved. People can be soooo confusing. Mixed messages seems to be one of the main ways of communicating these days! It is such a common experience people are having in the dating world!
It is currently -1 right now and will hang out at that temp until next week. Funny enough, where I’m at (at the base of the mountains), is drastically colder than in the actual mountains. Vail and Breckenridge are around 26 degrees. Strange. Either way….it’s freezing!!!
That’s quite the drive to go see a nature preserve, but I’m sure it will be worth it, just to see something different. It will give you something different to do on a weekend where a good drive, a good podcast, some yummy snacks and new scenery can be just the trick to get you ready for another long week of work.
What is the actual date that you are leaving?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
I understand your need to hold onto him with the belief that he is saving your life and helping to keep your head above water.
So it sounds like you are committed to just keeping the status quo with him and accepting what he has to offer.
What are you willing to commit to, in order to help yourself slowly become more resilient and able to be self sufficient?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
I’m so sorry I keep misunderstanding about the money and this trip. I get lost in so many details, that I miss things sometimes. I get it now. I understand how you were raised. It’s a tough one though, because not everyone is the same way. 2 things…I’m curious about what is stopping you from telling him about you feel about the trip he is planning. I imagine he would NOT want to plan a trip that you wouldn’t enjoy. Men LOVE to make their woman happy and he obviously is walking blind on this. Why not be honest and let him know that the trip isn’t your cup of tea? Is this why you are not sure you want to go?
As far as the money, I would just simply state it up front. Money is uncomfortable to talk about for most people, so I always like to just suggest putting out there straight away and let the pieces fall where they may. I would simply say something like “I have to be honest. I’m not fully committed to this trip yet. What you are planning is not really what I would consider fun for me. If you want me to go on a trip with you, maybe we talk about doing something different. And I apologize for being a bit old fashioned. I know not everyone thinks the way I do, but with you inviting me to go on this trip with you, does that mean you are paying for me?”
How does saying something to that effect feel? You basically just need to find a way to say it through either just asking him like the example above or just say it in a flirty way: “I’m not willing to pay for this trip, so if you want me to go, it’s up to you to cover my buns 😉 I promise I’ll make it worth your while though.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
Welcome to the forum. I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It truly is awful to be shut out about something you don’t have control over.
This is not your fault. You are seeing a VERY controlling side of him and to be honest, it’s an important side to see how him. If he is willing to ruin the relationship because he can’t see you for reasons you have no control over, he is quite emotionally fragile – which shows up by having a VERY HIGH need for control. Even if you were to go see him, this behavior of his would not disappear. The longer you stay together, you will see him start to control you in various ways. I’m curious…before the pandemic, did you guys ever have arguments? If you did, what was it like? How did he treat you? Was he a good listener?
I’m going to be very blunt here. His feelings for you are NOT about love. His feelings for you are more about control…getting what he wants when he wants it or there will be punishment. This is NOT okay. He is about having control OVER you and the situation and I have no doubt he has been like this for a loooong time. This kind of extreme behavior has been practiced over and over and over again. Do you know what his childhood was like? What’s his relationship like with his family?
I personally would be running the other direction, but I also know the love you feel for him and may not be willing to let go. The truth is, something got hard for him and instead of trying to work through it, staying present and working TOGETHER with you, he is punishing you. He has NO care for you and what you are going through. He only cares about himself and that is NOT love. He is treating you as if he owns you. He is treating you as if you are expendable. He is treating you as if you are to be at his beck and call. There is no respect, care, generosity or concern from his heart…just a need to control. That lives within him Nazhat and this pandemic happened to bring it out in him. Again…even if you were to go visit and give him what he wants, it won’t change this is in him. He will treat you like this again and again and again.
You get to still fight for him though. If this is the kind of partner you want to have in your life, then you just have to find a way to go visit him. He needs to see you go to extreme lengths and to do whatever it is that you can, to go visit him.
If you don’t want to fight for this kind of relationship, then it’s time to let go.
It’s your choice.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yikes!!! That really is crazy how people are driving!!! Trash everywhere and bad air pollution…a very unhappy place full of miserable and disconnected people. I’m gonna start to count the days for you!!!!
98% humidity is awful!!! I lived in Florida for a few years. It was TOUGH because I was the strength coach for a sports academy, which meant we were outside training every single day, aside from thunderstorms. I was always in awe of how my athletes could train outside and not melt into nothingness. I at least had some shade to stand under and I wasn’t having to run my ass off.
Even though you think you won’t hear from Daniel again, will you at least make a trip out to those preserves he talked about? I bet he is married.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Just checking in again. How’s your family? How’s your dog?
How are you doing emotionally/mentally? I’m curious…have you and your recent ex connected at all? Is his house finished?
People are getting really excited here about being able to get the vaccine. I have a few clients who have already received it. There is talk about not doing a 2nd shot and instead just doing 1 shot and getting it out to more people. The head agencies will be voting on that in a few weeks, so we shall see what ends up happening.
Heidi
Hi Tracey,
I have no doubt that he also has some great qualities. Those qualities are, many times, why people stay in a relationship that is damaging. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. I teach people that when choosing who to give your heart to, it needs to be based on who that person is in their WORST moments, not their best. Who they are in their worst, will determine the success of the relationship…not who they are in their best. And when any form of abuse is involved, there is NO possible way for success. At the core of your relationship with him, there is no respect, honor or kindness. He doesn’t treat you that way and you don’t treat yourself that. You don’t respect him either. You don’t feel safe with him. So you can see, that regardless of how wonderful he can be, who he is in his worst is damaging. For a relationship to work, respect has to be present at ALL times. Growth and curiosity for your partner and their feelings has to be present at ALL times.
I do believe deep down that there is a way to fix this – there must be a way that I can not take some of the things he says so personally and also use words that will trigger his emotions and realise that he has said the wrong things? I’m so sorry Tracey, there is no possible way for YOU to fix this. It doesn’t matter what you do. It does not change who he is. You are not making him this way. He is this way because of his past and the emotions he carries inside. Instead of dealing with all of it, he makes you the target. No matter what you say or do, it doesn’t change the YEARS of hurt that live inside of him and it doesn’t change that he is an abuser and narcissistic. My father was narcissistic. I became a MASTER at learning how to work with him. We got along REALLY well as long as I stayed within the boundaries I gave myself. Then, every once in awhile, my system would break and he would crush my heart, because he just was who he was. It’s no way to live a life Tracey. It’s exhausting and you will die a very slow death of your soul. The more you give your power away to him, the more you lose yourself.
You want to make this work….why? What is happening inside of you, that you want to fight for a guy who doesn’t value you, appreciate you, respect you nor care about you?
Heidi
Ha! Bad drivers eh?? I’ve lived in places like that and it’s crazy! It really amazes me sometimes how people drive and it’s a really great way to get to know the city as well. How people drive can absolutely reflect the personality of the city.
Aren’t butterflies fun? Who knows what Daniel will do. You are leaving soon, so that is kind of inconvenient. You might be reading into it with him. Is there a way to find out if he is already taken or not?
You have A LOT of work to do! So many things still up in the air, but it sounds like that is pretty normal for your kind of job. Something will show up when the time is right…it always has.
Heidi
I’m so sorry for all the experiences you have had to deal with and are still dealing with. I understand you are coping and I understand this is “normal” for you. What about trying to find a new psychiatrist / therapist. I know you have not had the best experiences, but each person is new and has new information to bring into your path. At the very least, finding a way to get on some medication may be really helpful for you in so many areas of your life.
Here are some other healing modalities as well that you can do on your own: This doesn’t have to be your life design.
Heidi
