Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
But.. why I can’t just move it on relationships? Why I can’t see a relationship with a man as i see my frienships? Because it’s love. Romantic love and the loss of it is extremely painful. It’s a much deeper relationship when we are in a committed relationship. It’s daily connecting and sharing the deepest most intimate parts of yourself. No one will ever know you as well as your lover. They see ALL sides of you, where as friends see parts of you. So it’s much more scary and requires much more strength and resilience. Whenever insecurities come up, it’s a wonderful time to really spend your attention to get to know them and release the fear and stories attached to the insecurity. You have a story that you will not be okay without him. Where does that story come from within you? Where do your fears come from, within you?
Not to say he isn’t contributing to the situation though. I’m sure that his actions are also contributing to your anxiety, but he cannot make you feel something that didn’t already exist within you. That’s why I always like to work on my own reactions first, find the source, clear, release and forgive my limitations, stories and fears and THEN I work with my person to resolve anything left over. Whatever is left over, I know is coming from him and I and not own personal fears and projections. If I find that I still need more than what he is willing to offer and I feel peaceful and clear about what I am asking for, then I have a decision to make. You may be feeling insecure about your relationship with him because you truly feel how he is only half in and not fully invested. So you have 2 choices. You can either talk to him about it and gather more information or you can really dive in deep to your anxiety and work on healing the fear and stories that live in there.
Heidi
I realized what I want seems simple. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with my son’s dad, and I want him to be present and be a father in every way. I just want to be a “normal” family. I have a strong personality and can be very stubborn. This is because I’ve had to fight for everything I wanted and have achieved (due to culture, gender roles, a broken family, blended families, clan dynamics, etc).
I suppose I haven’t been able to walk away because my non-negotiable is not being a family unit. Because this non-negotiable relies on other people aligning with your values, it’s not a non-negotiable you have any control over, therefore, it can’t really be something that is a non-negotiable. Does this make sense? Non-negotiables are about YOU and what your standards are. You CANNOT force a family. If you really think about it on a deeper level, your need for family is strongly sourced by your woundedness. Meaning, your unresolved feelings about what you grew up in and the pain associated with that, is what is contributing to such a strong drive to create the family you never had. What if you resolved those feelings? Imagine what you would create in your life if you didn’t have the pain from the past of a broken family? I’m not saying there aren’t other things contributing to you wanting to have a “clan”, but the unresolved pain you carry is definitely strongly contributing to you wanting to fight for a guy that is not emotionally available to you and not able to create the kind of clan you desire. He operates very differently than you and has differnt core values.
I’m trying to shield my son from a similar experience. But I also want to find happiness and spiritual peace for myself. Maybe I’m being unreasonable and unrealistic. That’s why I’m teeter tottering on whether to walk away or starting over. I understand you want to shield him. Of course you do! But he is not you. Just because he has a mom and a dad that are not together, does not mean he will carry the same pain you do, because of it. The more you accept what is, the more your son will feel at peace about it WITH you. No matter your culture, you have a choice about the perspective you want to align with. If your story of being “clanless” means not being connected to family and that brings pain, then that’s a perspective you need to work through. I am “clanless” by your terms and I have an INCREDIBLE support system of people around me who love me and treat me better than any of my family ever has. So do I mind being “clanless?’ Nope. I have a different perspective, however I had to spend some time with the loss and the hurt before I shifted my thoughts about it. Is that something you would be willing to do?
Heidi
If let’s say I know for sure that he feels he wants me in his life and he is truly interested in me – then yes. I can accept him like this. How will you know for sure he wants you in his life? His words are not going to be enough, because words and actions need to align in order for something to feel real and true. So ACTIONS do you need from him to know he feels he is all in with you?
to be closer. To feel closer. He is not so open when we talk. I want to hear that i am the one and that one for him. Then i will feel safe emotionally. What if he doesn’t know? Is that okay? He may be someone who has a lot of blocks up against love. He may be someone who isn’t really capable of going very deep to offer you the kind of connection you are searching for. Maybe he just doesn’t know that yet. Maybe he isn’t ready to know that yet considering where he is at in his life. You are asking for some type of guarantee from him and that just will never exist. THere are NEVER guarantees…EVER. Love is a risk, plain and simple.
What if you really embraced the deep, universal truth that there is nothing he can say or do that will guarantee a future with him? If you truly embraced that truth, then you can allow yourself to just be okay with what is happening in the very moment. For today, he is with you. For today, you both are still connected and moving forward. For today, he is your boyfriend. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for either of you. Something could change within you and you all of a sudden decide you need to breakup. Who knows! Can you trust that no matter what he decides, you will okay? If he all of a sudden decides he wants to end it, can you trust that no matter how bad it will hurt, you are resourceful and resilient and will be okay??? The more you fear, the more it paralyzes you. You think just because you don’t show him your anxiety, that he doesn’t feel it?? Of course he does! Your fear of him leaving effects the entire energy of the relationship. So it’s time for you to truly face your anxiety and your fear of losing him. This is less about him and more about you. Deal with yourself first and get more grounded in the truth that he does not define your life or your happiness…he just adds to it. When you connect to that, you will more clearly be able to see if this relationship actually works for you or not. Relying on HIM to say and be a certain way, so you can feel happy and secure is putting all of your power into HIS hands.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Madeline,
Welcome! I’m so glad to hear that you are getting some help to deal with the emotional traumas right now. I would suggest to not give him the note at this moment. A few months of therapy is not enough to heal whatever you are dealing with. Give yourself some room and space to keep healing and keep building your relationship with him through SHOWING him that you are changing…and that will take some time. Your actions are what he is needing from you…your words are nice and helpful, but they mean nothing without your actions to support them.
You can say all of those things to him in person anyways. Why not share little bits here and there about what you are learning about yourself? Why not say at any given moment, “I appreciate you and all that you have brought into my life? I am becoming a better person because of you. Thank you.” Why not share some of your thoughts about how you want to be a better partner? You can share all of these things over several days with him. That way he won’t feel bombarded or pressured. He will feel like you are just sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Great plan! Maybe you can just send him a picture of your negative covid test with a “yay!” or something like that and then let him take the lead about asking to get together.
Secondly is it a good idea to have boundaries set in place for intimacy? Absolutely! You need to decide what those boundaries are for you. I would suggest that you set the boundary to not have sex until he knows for sure what he wants with you. You can simply say something like “I completely want to be intimate and connect with you in that way, but it’s important for me that if we have sex, it’s when we are back together and when you feel like you want to keep building with me. It would break my heart to open up to you in that way and then have you leave and still need space. That’s just not healthy for me. So whenever you feel like you are sure about moving forward with me, let me know and then let’s create an amazing night where we honor and celebrate a brand new way of honoring each other as we move forward and give this another shot.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
He is calling me “his” and saying he doesn’t go with other girls. Maybe it’s time to get some clarification. It doesn’t sound like you feel you both are on the same page. I don’t really know how do usually people agree on being in a committed relationship. And how should i interpretate the relationship i have with him. People usually agree through a conversation. At least, that’s how it needs to go. If he wants you to be monogamous, I am wondering if he is offering the same to you. Would you call him your boyfriend? Would he introduce you to his friends/family as his girlfriend?
What kind of behavior of mine would mean i am fully invested in him? It’s less about your behavior and more about how you feel. You are questioning whether or not this guy is for you. There are some things you feel uncomfortable with….too much sexual focus and you do not feel like you get enough attention from him. Those things are holding you back from fully opening your heart to him. He isn’t that pair of jeans that you instantly say “yes” to. He is those pair of jeans that are in the maybe pile that you are trying to either convince yourself to purchase them or put them back on the shelf. Would you say this is accurate?
i have a feeling like in any moment he can change his mind and say thats it, and that he doesnt want me anymore. It s crossing my mins anytime i have to wait more for a message from him. This is true about any situation. At any moment, any person can make that decision and completely blindside you…that’s the reality. But let’s talk about him specifically. It sounds like you feel like he isn’t really invested in you in a way that makes you feel safe. He doesn’t respond to your messages as quickly as you want, he doesn’t give you enough attention and he has a tinder app that may still be very active. These things make you feel insecure with the relationship, correct? Let’s get clear about EXACTLY what you would want from him to feel like you can feel safe with him. What do you want from him EXACTLY in order for you to feel safe with him emotionally?
i already talked with him about it. He said that he likes a lot that i am saying what do i feel. And he started to give me more attention. But it didn’t last too long. It sounds like whatever change he made was more about making you happy vs. really being inspired to offer you more, from his heart. Whenever changes are temporary, it means the person isn’t really invested in that change. Do you feel you can accept this about him? ARe you willing to let go of your need for more attention and just let him be who he truly is?
Heidi
Please understand this letter is not to blame you in anyway. It is to help you to see the situation from his perspective. If you still love him, all you need to do is to “lay low”, change your attitude & I believe you both can be happy together again.
It doesn’t mean the Western culture is not right but the divorce rate is high. I do not disagree equality between women & men but I hope you can think & apply the oriental culture ”
Holy smokes this guy is messed up and manipulative. He offers a lot of compliments all the while telling you that you need to be more submissive, less strong and that you are at fault for why the marriage is ending. But he says it all in the midst of complimenting you. He is quite sneaky and all he is doing is manipulating you. If you just simply look at the 2 statements above, it says the truth about how he feels. YOU need to change. He does not believe in divorce and feels YOU need to be more submissive and less strong and the marriage will work. YUK!!! He has no interest in knowing you or truly understanding what is happening. And that’s okay. He gets to be who he is. I would not spend a single amount of effort trying to explain anything to him. DO NOT explain the donation. It will cause a HUGE rift between him and his son which will come back onto you. His dad NEEDS to think of you as the bad guy here. That’s important. His son has created quite the illusion and it’s not for you to break that or ruin that unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of that. I suggest to let it go. Allow yourself to be the “bad” guy and let his father think what he wants about you. Now you know where your husband gets his programming from. His father is awful!
For example I asked him to do something nicely and he said No, don’t order me around. But as you said, I have to MANAGE the situation so I just bit my tongue and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Well done!!!! Everything you are doing to manage the situation is spectacular!!! Yes, you will have MANY hard moments, but when you keep your focus on the higher good, you are protecting yourself from being demeaned and disregarded. So biting your tongue is much more kind to yourself than to argue with a guy doesn’t get it and then experience being disregarded and criticized.
To that he explained himself to me that “you know where I’m coming from right? I’m not going to abuse it, I just don’t want to have to fight or ask for your opinion over small things”. I didn’t say anything because it just proves that he still doesn’t value what is important to me. It might be trivial to him, but what if it matters to me? Heidi, am I reading this right? You are spot on!!! he just doesn’t get it and never will as long as his father is his guide.
So what are your plans? I don’t actually know when or how you plan on getting out of there and separating from him. Do you feel completely 100% solid that you want a divorce? What’s your mindset?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand the insecurity you feel about everything. He is just now opening back up again a little bit. He is connecting more and that is a great sign! For now, just continue to create the space for him to be who he is. You had the opportunity to tell him how you felt and how you are growing and how you feel. Now let it sit for a bit. Next time you see him, do not bring it up. You expressed your wishes to talk about it in person, now let him take the lead on it…just for now. Just sit back and let him bring it up. If he doesn’t, just keep doing what you are doing. Keep connecting, keep things light and easy and fun. Keep giving him compliments. Keep letting him know what you are learning about yourself. But still let him take the lead….for now. I know this is hard. Give it a few more weeks and let things keep playing out naturally. You can even say to him in person “I know you said you wanted to talk about where your head is at while we are in person. I just want you to know that it’s okay if you are not ready for that yet. You know how I feel about you and you know the kinds of changes I am making for myself so I can be a better partner. I also know it all takes time and I also trust your process. Just know there is no pressure. I trust that you will tell me whenever it is you feel you have enough clarity to talk about it. So for now, I am fully enjoying your company and love connecting so I’m just choosing to focus on that and let the rest of it go.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Brigid,
I would encourage you to NOT talk to him about it. Remember, you are just friends, not dating, so you need time to build the friendship part up. That means, giving him space to be himself. He may not initiate a conversation for a few weeks or even a month. That’s how friends truly operate. I know you want him back, but it’s too soon to push a lot of communication with him. If he is truly going to stay connected with you, he needs to feel like you will honor his choice and not try to push yourself into his life. I love that you guys talked for that long. That’s fabulous! Now let him feel that for a few days. Don’t contact him. Let him feel his life without you in it as well. That is really important!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Let’s talk about your feelings for a second. How to understand if he’s the right guy. If he is for me. There is no such thing as a “right” guy. He is the right guy for you right now, because you are choosing him. He is triggering you quite a bit, so he is the right guy to push your buttons, to help you grow and learn and push you to your edge. Reality is, relationships and love are very unpredictable and are meant to push every little button that exists within you. There are no guarantees. For a healthy love, it requires staying in the present moment. You are trying to decide your future with him and whether he is worth your effort, but the truth is, FOR TODAY, you are not willing to let him go. FOR TODAY, you are learning about yourself and have some new things you are wanting to practice and develop in yourself – which is using your voice and allowing your TRUE self to be known and heard. FOR TODAY, experiencing yourself that way is an important part of your growth. FOR TODAY, he is indirectly helping you grow as a person. Relationships are not always about taking the path towards love. Many times, it’s just about getting to know yourself through being triggered, having the opportunity to shift and release fears and insecurities and learning new ways to be. It sounds like that is his purpose for you….FOR TODAY. That purpose could change or not change…who knows.
A way that I like to look at relationships is this….It’s time to shop for a new pair of jeans. You know how you will get several pair in the dressing rooms and some jeans you INSTANTLY know they don’t work. Some you will try on and think “Maybe…I like how this look here, but honestly, I’m not so sure.” Those jeans go in the maybe pile while you keep trying on other jeans. Then there is that pair, that you INSTANTLY know…”Yes! These look and feel great!” Then you try on the maybe jeans again and decide against them because you now have the “yes” jeans. What you are doing with this guy is trying to turn your “maybe” into a “yes.” You have resistance and questions and there is something stopping you from easily and effortlessly saying “yes.” That’s okay! Listen to that and honor that! I will tell you, there absolutely is a guy out there where there is a complete and instant “yes” that comes from within you. There will be nothing stopping you, or him for that matter, from wanting to grow and experience each other to the fullest degree. That experience DOES exist. Just something to think about.
But how to bring it up, so it will be constructive and not annoying? I don’t want to give him the feeling like i am chasing him I don’t think you guys have agreed to be in a committed relationship, yes? I think you guys are just in the phase of getting to know each other and dating, right? If I am wrong, please tell me. If I am correct, then you don’t say anything. He has every right to continue to explore and get to know other people. The issue here is, you want more from him. You want more attention and you want to slow things down. Tinder is irrelevant. Even if you didn’t see that Tinder app, it doesn’t change that you want more attention from him and you want to slow things down. So I encourage you to focus on what you need and let the app go. You are not even fully invested in this guy, so he wouldn’t be fully invested in you yet either. So if you want to change the design of this relationship, then talk to him about that specifically. Be VERY CLEAR about what you want and speak to him in very literal terms. Men need that. I would just focus on 1 thing at the moment. You want to slow things down sexually, so talk to him about that. Let him know that you as much as you completely enjoy the sexual connection with him, it feels out of balance for you. It can 1 of 2 ways…either increase the amount of connection / attention with you that is NOT sexual and the sex can stay the same OR decrease the amount of sexual connection to bring it into balance.
Here is a fabulous website and incredible resource for dating and relationships. The Gottmans have studied relationships for over 30 years and they are the only ones, to date, that have a 20 years official study about what makes a couple last longer than 20 years (and actually be happy). When you TRULY understand what makes a relationship work and not work (and they have the science to back it up), then you reverse engineer. For example, the 4 horseman are important to understand because if these are present in a relationship, a breakup is inevitable or at the very least, you will be part of a very unhappy couple. So when you date, you look for signs of the 4 horseman. This is part of how you build your standards. Hope this helps bring you some clarity…https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/dating-premarital/
Heidi
You told me to just go with the flow and say ‘I trust him on everything’ for the time being! Let me clarify. Going with the flow DOES NOT mean you don’t say what you feel and need. It just means you don’t fight against or try to control what is happening. You still need to be yourself, honest and authentic about how you feel. So it would look like, “I have to be honest and let you know that the trip you planned is not really my kind of thing. So if you want to go on a trip with me, it would need to be something different.” This IS going with the flow by allowing your feelings and needs to be presented and heard. He can then decide what he wants to do with that. I also don’t remember saying to trust him on everything. Inherently, he is someone you do not feel safe with. I teach to NOT put trust in others, but instead trust in yourself. Reality is, others WILL break your trust. It’s inevitable and part of the relationship. When that trust is broken, it’s CRUCIAL that you have trust in yourself as a foundation. You trust in yourself that no matter what he chooses and does, you KNOW you are going to be okay. You are resilient, you are resourceful and you will heal and be okay no matter what. Trust in yourself needs to be the focus and act as the foundation to the trust you build with other people.
Wow! He wanted you to travel 20 hours for less than a week? No way! That’s not worth it. If you are going to travel that far, I definitely agree that at least 2 weeks is necessary. That’s a bummer. So you are now going on a trip with a friend? How do you feel about that?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling? Any new developments? Any thoughts or feelings about what I said? What is your mindset right now about the breakup?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
I thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? New thoughts or feelings? How are things going between you guys? Was his mini getaway helpful for him?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. What’s going on for you? Has anything new happened? How are you feeling? How are you processing what has happened?
Heidi
