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Theres no doubt in my mind he wants me to be his girlfriend, 100%. However, as in the case seem to have been in the past with him, I don’t think this necessarily means he won’t be seeing other girls.. The thing is Lili, he chased after you while you pulled away. That “hunter” instinct that got activated in him, does not mean it’s sustainable. He may be sweet and connective and chasing after you now, but the question is, can he continue treating you this way when you are available and present with him? That seems to be the sticking point here. Only time will tell if how he is treating you will last. And it’s probably true that he is not the monogamous type. It would just be something you would have to accept about him.
but in general would have trouble expressing what I want and need. Basically what you are saying, is that I should express that to him. In order for a relationship to actually work, BOTH people need to exist. When you don’t share your wants and needs with your partner, he has no idea who you really are. You are basically just existing for him. This is co-dependent behavior….”meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” Co-dependents work PERFECTLY with narcissists, as long as the co-dependent stays co-dependent and serving the needs of the narcissist. So if you want to feel seen, known, valued, appreciated and cherished, you need to allow yourself to be known…the REAL you. The you with ALL of your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. So if you want that kind of relationship where you feel safe and connected to your partner to be your FULL and AUTHENTIC self, you need to BE that in order to see if the guy can not only handle it, but value the REAL you. If a guy is not able to offer that to you, then he is not a good match and will not be offer you what you need. So, it really depends on what kind of relationship you want. I 100% align with expressing and communicating needs and wants – in a healthy way – but not everyone is willing to live that way…and that’s okay. If you want to keep your needs and wants hidden, then you will always be in a very limited relationship. It’s really up to you – your life is your design.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
s smile warmed my heart and “a smile from a very-good looking, intelligent, hardworking man, what more could a woman want? I’m impressed.” and asked him to share more. Yes, I would say that is coming on quite strong. A man could interpret your response as desperate or needy. You are showering him with compliments that you actually don’t even know about him yet. You don’t know he is actually intelligent or hardworking. You want to make sure that the compliments you offer a person come from a place of actually KNOWING. Compliments are real and authentic once those qualities have been experienced. So to offer those compliments and say “what more could a woman want” is sending a message that you are “easy” to catch. He doesn’t have to do a darn thing to work for you, because he has already hooked you with his profile. Does this make sense? A different response could have been, “You have a wonderful smile! I bet you get a lot of compliments about it.” Then finish it with a question…something you can ask him about from his profile.
Wow! You are having quite the strong reaction about Daniel. It’s a powerful feeling, isn’t it??? It doesn’t sound like he is available though. He either might be dating someone already or not interested and not in an open mindset to invite another person into his life. He may be recently divorced or separated. But from his responses, it doesn’t sound like he is available, so no matter what you say to him, it really may not matter. Besides, don’t you want to find someone local? Doing a long-distance relationship is INCREDIBLY difficult, especially when you barely know the person to begin with. With his schedule, he would never be able to come visit you, let alone even offer space to talk with you frequently. This “pull” that you feel towards him needs to be balanced with reality. Is there a way to find out what his relationship status is?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
I understand your desire to want to work things out with him. We don’t see him in a bad light, we just see his humanness. I’m sure he is amazing AND he is sabotaging this relationship with you. In this situation, he is controlling and willing to break the relationship unless you do what HE wants. Regardless of how amazing he is in other areas of his life, you are also seeing a controlling side to him that has always been there, you just never saw it to this degree. This is definitely part of who he is. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to see a person’s worst sides. So it’s VERY important that you understand that regardless of what is happening in his life that you can’t see, what you ARE seeing is that his reaction is to be controlling and if he doesn’t get what he wants, he disconnects. That’s a FACT. This is something that will always be a part of him and your relationship unless he decides to face his high need for control when he the stress is intense enough.
I have taken 2 weeks off from communicating and it does not feel right. In the past he has made every effort to come and see me no matter how difficult it was. I am not the one who had to make the effort to see him. That is why I find this situation difficult to understand. You are trying to understand him from your past experiences. You need to see him with new eyes now, because you are getting brand new information about him. This side of him that is controlling and not willing to connect with you, this side of him that is being unreasonable, is a new experience for you. Now you know what he is capable of. I know it can be absolutely shocking, considering how he has always treated you before. It’s hard to accept and embrace it, but it’s truly important for you to KNOW that who he is choosing to be right now, IS part of his makeup. Being in a relationship with him, means that you are saying “yes” to being treated this way, even 10 years down the road. This will NOT be the last time you see this side to him.
I want to make him understand that he is being unreasonable but I also want to understand why as I don’t think he is an unreasonable person. I want him to talk to me. If he does I know I can make him see reason. You cannot make him do anything or understand anything. He gets to be this way. He is CHOOSING to be this way. His need for control is more important to him than choosing connection with you. He may not be an unreasonable person in general, but he IS unreasonable right now. This IS part of who he is…it just so happens it’s the first time you are experiencing this side of him. Being curious about what he is experiencing is so important. What kinds of conversations have you had with him about it? What kinds of questions have you asked him about his feelings? How often do you guys connect?
I feel that something is going on with him which I am unable to see. He has a whole internal world you know nothing about. He is in a trigger response which means you not being able to go visit him, he is creating a story around that which activates his need for control. Whatever story he has around it, began looooong before you ever came along. This current situation is just triggering something familiar in his emotional body that he hasn’t ever resolved. His need to control is his way of coping with whatever that story is. He may not even know the true source of his over-reaction. Most times, these original stories that carry the hurt and lies, live in the subconscious. So trying to understand the core root cause of someone’s reaction is really difficult when they don’t even understand it themselves.
So let’s find ways that you can maybe create connection again. You stopped reaching out for 2 weeks and learning that he is not putting any effort in and reaching out to you. First, I am so so sorry. I know how much it hurts to not feel fought for by the man you love. I know it doesn’t feel “right” but unfortunately, it is what is happening. Is there anything you can ask him for help with? You can make something up. If you texted “I need your help with something” and wait for him to respond. Being that he is overseas, you need to come up with something that he can give you instruction or advice about. Is there anything you can think of? Any money advice, advice about a project, advice about a job, advice about getting a present for someone he knows. Is he good at giving advice about any particular topic?
Heidi
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach? Working with someone 1 on 1 is the fastest way to shift these really patterns.
I cannot tell you what you should do. That conversation is a risk, yes. All conversations are. Whenever one person is not getting their needs met and there is a discussion about it, there ALWAYS is the risk that the other person does not want to align and the relationship ends. The question is, are you willing to fight for yourself? You can stay silent and not say anything at all, but then you end up suffering and creating all kinds of stories around that app being on his phone and the longer you live with it, the more the tension will build. OR…you can speak up and let him know you saw it and you want to know the truth about what he is thinking and where he is at with this relationship. Once you guys speak about the truth, there is a chance of a breakup, but there also is a chance for growth. He already said he appreciates your honesty and respects that about you. This conversation could actually turn out to be pretty great! Who knows! Reality is, if this conversation is going to break things, it means the breakup is inevitable and will come at some point anyways. Why not face it head-on, use your voice and that at least gives this relationship a chance to work. How can anything be fixed if hurt feelings are not talked about?
But you are right. Speaking up may cause an ending. That is the consequence. But if you don’t speak up, you are betraying and abandoning yourself, which means you are treating yourself exactly like your mom treats you. There are consequences to that choice as well. So it’s up to you which path to take.
Heidi
Wow! What a sad letter he wrote. Again, you are absolutely spot on. He is 100% playing the victim and blaming you for everything. His view of marriage and love is REALLY messed up and those beliefs will destroy ANY relationship unless the woman carries the same exact values. That is not you. He is right though. The ONLY way for this to work is for you to align with his values or vice versa – and that would destroy any possibility for a deep, connected, intimate love to exist. What you want to experience with love, cannot come from him. He is not capable. The stories and programs that run in his subconscious are soooooo strong and he NEEDS to hold onto those stories in order to feel like he belongs and fits somewhere. He is incredibly fragile and you have exposed that about him. The only way fragile people can survive their lives, is to blame the other person. Yes, you have your issues as well and brought challenge to the relationship. We all do that, but the difference between marriages that work or don’t work, are what the people do with those challenges. BOTH people need to grow, learn, take responsibility, be curious about their own mistakes and be curious about their partners. he is not that kind of partner he is, so there really is nowhere to go with this guy except to align with his views and ways of having a marriage. Maybe he will find that one day, who knows. What’s important is for you to continue to align with YOUR own way of living and the relationships you choose to invite into your life.
How does this letter make you feel? You have explained to me 2x now about that incident when he tested you. You are trying to defend yourself and that’s part where I want to encourage you to connect even stronger to yourself. There is nothing to defend Huyen. It was just a moment and neither of you were effective. So what! You both were being human and functioning from hurt. He will find every little moment of discord and blame you for it, because that’s what he needs to do to deal with his fragility. You however, do not need to play into it. Forgive yourself. You were manipulative in that moment because you were hurt. Oh well! You recognize it, forgive yourself for it, release it and move on. Trying to defend yourself or explain yourself is you playing into the story he created around that moment. Create and align with YOUR story. Take responsibility and transform that moment into something useful. It was a good moment for you to learn about him and about yourself. It was a good moment for you to see who you DO NOT want to be. It was a good moment for you to learn how you can better communicate. He will find story after story after story to support his beliefs and as long as you spend your energy trying to defend and explain those stories, you are participating with him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It sounds like the way he manages his emotional life is by keeping everything inside. It’s sad really. Not a single person on this earth is meant to do that. We are meant to talk each other, we are designed to work through things TOGETHER, but sadly, it’s pretty common for people to carry and whole internal world that no one knows about. People who are like that are EXTREMELY difficult to be in a relationship with. They carry thoughts, feelings, emotions etc. that no one knows about, so in reality, not even their partners truly know them. Many times, I have found that when the woman begins to change and the man sees her taking certain actions to heal and he is SEEING the shift, it creates a safer space for the man to also want to get help. Men learn a lot through just watching and observing. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of strength to ask for help and take the healing path, so when the woman goes first, sometimes the man follows.
As aforementioned, I am doing what I can to take care of me, but I am not sure what I can do further to get my needs with him met. I still want to guide you towards yourself. Looking to him to take care of any of your needs has been one of your original challenges. You don’t know who you are without him and when people become that enmeshed, it creates a huge mess in the relationship. So the more you focus on just yourself, learning how to meet your own needs, learning how to love yourself and not look to him to take care of you, the strong the potential for the relationship with him to become more healthy. I know this is not what you want to hear and you want to have him back, especially because it would stop the pain and heartache. This pain is what is going to help you redesign, because your previous design with him didn’t work. It’s time to reshape and step more into your potential. It’s time for you to develop the strength to set boundaries and exist in the relationship WITH him instead of always hiding from being your true self. Becoming solid within yourself, becoming more fit and having the strength to be and say who you are, what you need and what you want is the most powerful thing you can do in your life.
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
You haven’t destroyed anything! Relationships are NOT that simple. It’s important to understand he has his issues as well. It’s not like he doesn’t come to the relationship with his own baggage. We ALL have baggage that we carry and enter into a relationship with. When the relationship works and lasts it’s because BOTH people are committed to their personal growth and to the relationship growth. They BOTH take actions like reading books, doing therapy, improving their communication skills, facing their fears etc. When a relationship breaks, there are many different reasons, but never ever is it one person’s fault. It’s always both people that are involved, that somehow create a mixture together that doesn’t flow and causes a break.
I’m not saying that you both should see other people. That’s your own choice to make. I”m just saying that it’s REALLY important for you to start to face this anxiety whole-heartedly. It will ALWAYS create challenge and conflict for you in a relationship. Basically, when you live with that belief “I am not enough” it acts like an energetic beacon and will attract men who support that belief you carry. You will be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable which will then support you feeling like you are not enough. As much as you might want to get rid of that belief, it’s comfortable for you. You’ve lived with it your whole life and it’s become part of your identity. That’s part of the reason why you stuck with your ex as long as you did and why you are chasing this guy, who feels like he is just not that invested. Your subconscious is constantly creating a situation where the belief “I am not enough” gets supported and fueled. So even if you decide you don’t want to be with this guy anymore, if you don’t start to work on shifting that negative belief, you will just find another guy who is emotionally unavailable on some level. It’s a cycle and we ALL do it. It’s meant to bring us great pain, because that pain is what will inspire us to finally start to do something different. That pain and suffering is the motivator to take actions that we never have taken before. It’s a lot of work to shift those core beliefs that are harmful. It’s not easy, but it’s also not easy living a life with those negative beliefs in the driver’s seat. At least on the healing path, no matter how uncomfortable, painful and hard it is, it’s temporary. It’s a healthy kind of pain that leads to release and forgiveness and emotional freedom. STaying in our patterns is an unlimited and infinite amount of pain and suffering that is not healthy and only leads us to more heartache.
I understand a lot more now about why you wanted to talk about Tinder. Here is an idea of how you can bring it up. “So the other day when you were visiting, I noticed you have the Tinder app on the main bar, which means it’s being used. I admit it hurt to see that. But it’s brought me to this moment of wanting to check in and see if we are on the same page. I really would like to talk openly and honestly about us and just clear the air of anything that needs to said or done and then let’s decide what our next steps are. Are you willing to talk honestly about how you feel and where you are at with us right now?”
Heidi
So you see how no matter what your guy says or does, it won’t change that you don’t feel like you are enough. You will constantly be wanting and needing more attention, affection, communication or whatever it may be. There is no one in the world that can fill that void within you, except for you. Again, not to say that he isn’t contributing to the situation, but until you really deal with the lies and stories you carry within yourself, you will never have a clear vision about any relationship you are in.
And feeling like you are not enough, began before your ex. Go back younger and I’m sure you will find that you had teachers, parents, siblings or other influential role models show you or tell you in some sort of way that you were not enough.
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
What a beautiful vision of yourself and your future! I LOVE it! All of those things, you have within you right now. So what would you do or say differently if you were more confident? What would you do or say if you felt more fit?
The outcome is irrelevant. The only outcome that will happen for you as you become more confident, grow your business and become more connected to your body, is you will attract healthier experiences into your life. So whether that includes him or someone else, or no one else…it’s a win win…because you are more connected to the power and beauty and amazingness that you carry within you!
Heidi
But.. why I can’t just move it on relationships? Why I can’t see a relationship with a man as i see my frienships? Because it’s love. Romantic love and the loss of it is extremely painful. It’s a much deeper relationship when we are in a committed relationship. It’s daily connecting and sharing the deepest most intimate parts of yourself. No one will ever know you as well as your lover. They see ALL sides of you, where as friends see parts of you. So it’s much more scary and requires much more strength and resilience. Whenever insecurities come up, it’s a wonderful time to really spend your attention to get to know them and release the fear and stories attached to the insecurity. You have a story that you will not be okay without him. Where does that story come from within you? Where do your fears come from, within you?
Not to say he isn’t contributing to the situation though. I’m sure that his actions are also contributing to your anxiety, but he cannot make you feel something that didn’t already exist within you. That’s why I always like to work on my own reactions first, find the source, clear, release and forgive my limitations, stories and fears and THEN I work with my person to resolve anything left over. Whatever is left over, I know is coming from him and I and not own personal fears and projections. If I find that I still need more than what he is willing to offer and I feel peaceful and clear about what I am asking for, then I have a decision to make. You may be feeling insecure about your relationship with him because you truly feel how he is only half in and not fully invested. So you have 2 choices. You can either talk to him about it and gather more information or you can really dive in deep to your anxiety and work on healing the fear and stories that live in there.
Heidi
I realized what I want seems simple. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with my son’s dad, and I want him to be present and be a father in every way. I just want to be a “normal” family. I have a strong personality and can be very stubborn. This is because I’ve had to fight for everything I wanted and have achieved (due to culture, gender roles, a broken family, blended families, clan dynamics, etc).
I suppose I haven’t been able to walk away because my non-negotiable is not being a family unit. Because this non-negotiable relies on other people aligning with your values, it’s not a non-negotiable you have any control over, therefore, it can’t really be something that is a non-negotiable. Does this make sense? Non-negotiables are about YOU and what your standards are. You CANNOT force a family. If you really think about it on a deeper level, your need for family is strongly sourced by your woundedness. Meaning, your unresolved feelings about what you grew up in and the pain associated with that, is what is contributing to such a strong drive to create the family you never had. What if you resolved those feelings? Imagine what you would create in your life if you didn’t have the pain from the past of a broken family? I’m not saying there aren’t other things contributing to you wanting to have a “clan”, but the unresolved pain you carry is definitely strongly contributing to you wanting to fight for a guy that is not emotionally available to you and not able to create the kind of clan you desire. He operates very differently than you and has differnt core values.
I’m trying to shield my son from a similar experience. But I also want to find happiness and spiritual peace for myself. Maybe I’m being unreasonable and unrealistic. That’s why I’m teeter tottering on whether to walk away or starting over. I understand you want to shield him. Of course you do! But he is not you. Just because he has a mom and a dad that are not together, does not mean he will carry the same pain you do, because of it. The more you accept what is, the more your son will feel at peace about it WITH you. No matter your culture, you have a choice about the perspective you want to align with. If your story of being “clanless” means not being connected to family and that brings pain, then that’s a perspective you need to work through. I am “clanless” by your terms and I have an INCREDIBLE support system of people around me who love me and treat me better than any of my family ever has. So do I mind being “clanless?’ Nope. I have a different perspective, however I had to spend some time with the loss and the hurt before I shifted my thoughts about it. Is that something you would be willing to do?
Heidi
If let’s say I know for sure that he feels he wants me in his life and he is truly interested in me – then yes. I can accept him like this. How will you know for sure he wants you in his life? His words are not going to be enough, because words and actions need to align in order for something to feel real and true. So ACTIONS do you need from him to know he feels he is all in with you?
to be closer. To feel closer. He is not so open when we talk. I want to hear that i am the one and that one for him. Then i will feel safe emotionally. What if he doesn’t know? Is that okay? He may be someone who has a lot of blocks up against love. He may be someone who isn’t really capable of going very deep to offer you the kind of connection you are searching for. Maybe he just doesn’t know that yet. Maybe he isn’t ready to know that yet considering where he is at in his life. You are asking for some type of guarantee from him and that just will never exist. THere are NEVER guarantees…EVER. Love is a risk, plain and simple.
What if you really embraced the deep, universal truth that there is nothing he can say or do that will guarantee a future with him? If you truly embraced that truth, then you can allow yourself to just be okay with what is happening in the very moment. For today, he is with you. For today, you both are still connected and moving forward. For today, he is your boyfriend. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for either of you. Something could change within you and you all of a sudden decide you need to breakup. Who knows! Can you trust that no matter what he decides, you will okay? If he all of a sudden decides he wants to end it, can you trust that no matter how bad it will hurt, you are resourceful and resilient and will be okay??? The more you fear, the more it paralyzes you. You think just because you don’t show him your anxiety, that he doesn’t feel it?? Of course he does! Your fear of him leaving effects the entire energy of the relationship. So it’s time for you to truly face your anxiety and your fear of losing him. This is less about him and more about you. Deal with yourself first and get more grounded in the truth that he does not define your life or your happiness…he just adds to it. When you connect to that, you will more clearly be able to see if this relationship actually works for you or not. Relying on HIM to say and be a certain way, so you can feel happy and secure is putting all of your power into HIS hands.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Madeline,
Welcome! I’m so glad to hear that you are getting some help to deal with the emotional traumas right now. I would suggest to not give him the note at this moment. A few months of therapy is not enough to heal whatever you are dealing with. Give yourself some room and space to keep healing and keep building your relationship with him through SHOWING him that you are changing…and that will take some time. Your actions are what he is needing from you…your words are nice and helpful, but they mean nothing without your actions to support them.
You can say all of those things to him in person anyways. Why not share little bits here and there about what you are learning about yourself? Why not say at any given moment, “I appreciate you and all that you have brought into my life? I am becoming a better person because of you. Thank you.” Why not share some of your thoughts about how you want to be a better partner? You can share all of these things over several days with him. That way he won’t feel bombarded or pressured. He will feel like you are just sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Great plan! Maybe you can just send him a picture of your negative covid test with a “yay!” or something like that and then let him take the lead about asking to get together.
Secondly is it a good idea to have boundaries set in place for intimacy? Absolutely! You need to decide what those boundaries are for you. I would suggest that you set the boundary to not have sex until he knows for sure what he wants with you. You can simply say something like “I completely want to be intimate and connect with you in that way, but it’s important for me that if we have sex, it’s when we are back together and when you feel like you want to keep building with me. It would break my heart to open up to you in that way and then have you leave and still need space. That’s just not healthy for me. So whenever you feel like you are sure about moving forward with me, let me know and then let’s create an amazing night where we honor and celebrate a brand new way of honoring each other as we move forward and give this another shot.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
He is calling me “his” and saying he doesn’t go with other girls. Maybe it’s time to get some clarification. It doesn’t sound like you feel you both are on the same page. I don’t really know how do usually people agree on being in a committed relationship. And how should i interpretate the relationship i have with him. People usually agree through a conversation. At least, that’s how it needs to go. If he wants you to be monogamous, I am wondering if he is offering the same to you. Would you call him your boyfriend? Would he introduce you to his friends/family as his girlfriend?
What kind of behavior of mine would mean i am fully invested in him? It’s less about your behavior and more about how you feel. You are questioning whether or not this guy is for you. There are some things you feel uncomfortable with….too much sexual focus and you do not feel like you get enough attention from him. Those things are holding you back from fully opening your heart to him. He isn’t that pair of jeans that you instantly say “yes” to. He is those pair of jeans that are in the maybe pile that you are trying to either convince yourself to purchase them or put them back on the shelf. Would you say this is accurate?
i have a feeling like in any moment he can change his mind and say thats it, and that he doesnt want me anymore. It s crossing my mins anytime i have to wait more for a message from him. This is true about any situation. At any moment, any person can make that decision and completely blindside you…that’s the reality. But let’s talk about him specifically. It sounds like you feel like he isn’t really invested in you in a way that makes you feel safe. He doesn’t respond to your messages as quickly as you want, he doesn’t give you enough attention and he has a tinder app that may still be very active. These things make you feel insecure with the relationship, correct? Let’s get clear about EXACTLY what you would want from him to feel like you can feel safe with him. What do you want from him EXACTLY in order for you to feel safe with him emotionally?
i already talked with him about it. He said that he likes a lot that i am saying what do i feel. And he started to give me more attention. But it didn’t last too long. It sounds like whatever change he made was more about making you happy vs. really being inspired to offer you more, from his heart. Whenever changes are temporary, it means the person isn’t really invested in that change. Do you feel you can accept this about him? ARe you willing to let go of your need for more attention and just let him be who he truly is?
Heidi
