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Oh this is great! I hope he will follow through on what he says.
I understand that you want to do anything to keep this relationship. It’s that wounded part of you that is so desperate to be connected to feel chosen by him. What if YOU choose you? Meaning, what if between now and then, you spent your time talking to that part of yourself saying things like, “You are worth loving and fighting for. I choose you. It’s okay if he doesn’t choose you. I CHOOSE YOU. I know you may end up feeling hurt because he doesn’t want to put the effort in, but you know what? We will be okay. We are resilient and resourceful and we will fight for healing. It will only hurt for little bit and then we will get back up on our feet and we will have new experiences. There is a guy out there who would be feel honored to be in our life.” Fill yourself up with positive thoughts, fill yourself up with the TRUTH that no matter what he says or does, it DOES NOT DEFINE your value. Remember, he is not THAT great. He has all kinds of issues as well, so doing anything and everything to keep him, is you fighting more for him than yourself…and that will ALWAYS have some major consequences. You have strength in you Ecaterina. Now is an INCREDIBLE time to use it, speak up and express how you are feeling and fight for what you deserve and truly accept nothing less than that…even if it means losing him. He will respect you that way. If you just give into anything HE wants, he will not respect you. He will not say that, but I guarantee he will feel that. Remember…YOU teach people how to treat you. If you don’t respect and honor yourself, he won’t either. You can do this!!!
Here is a phrase you can practice. “When you do___________________________ it makes me feel_______________.” This is a really great way to share how you feel. You can maybe start the conversation by saying, “I’m really glad we get to talk. Thank you. I want to talk about where we are at together. I feel like we might be on a different pages, so I thought I’d just check in and understand your mindset. I love that you made the incredible effort to come visit me. That said a lot! While you were here, I did see the Tinder app on the main bar, which made me guess that it’s an app that you actively use. Then you went home and it felt like you disconnected again. So I’m curious about how you are feeling about us….honestly.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Upasna,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us here. It’s so incredibly difficult to watch a person pull away and completely disconnect, especially when you don’t understand why. Let’s see if we can come up with something to figure this out a little more.
My guess is, he may be completely overwhelmed. With everything that is happening for him, adding in 1 more person (you) to connect with and think about may be just too much.
What IS important to first understand here, is that regardless of what is happening for him, you are experiencing what he is like under a great amount of stress. He has chosen to not connect and completely disappear vs. communicating with you whatever it is that he needs. This is important information to know about him. I always coach people that you need to choose who you love according to who that person is IN THEIR WORST moments, not their best moments. How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves? How do they treat the other people involved in the situation? This is the aspect of the relationship that will make or break it, regardless of how amazing things are when they are good. So you are learning through this, what his coping mechanism is under stress….he disconnects. I’m just mentioning this for you to keep this in mind.
What if you wrote to him something like “It’s been awhile. I know you are going through so much right now and I wish there was a way that I could help and support you. Do you have anytime to talk soon? I’d love to hear what’s been happening for you.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh goodness! Me correcting how you presented your conversation was NOT meant at all to tell you did it wrong. Do you see your pattern of taking all the responsibility for HIS actions??? This simply is just not the case. It’s a lie you keep telling yourself and that is what is sourcing your anxiety…a BIG lie. Like I previously said…if a relationship cannot withstand our humanness, our messiness, it’s not a relationship that will work. If he runs from you anytime you say you want to talk, then how is that your fault? That’s HIS choice to run!!!! He is showing you who he is…he is not interested in your feelings, your experience, your challenges, your needs enough, to call and check in on what you want to say. Instead, he has run away and disconnected from you. He is being this way because IT”S WHO HE IS, not because of how you said it.
he is not always saying and doing things in a right and great way and usually he is not doing effort to “repair it”. And I don’t require and don’t expect it from him. We’re human. Not everything needs to be done my way. This is a pretty healthy and normal expectation Ecaterina. This is not YOUR way, this is the way for every couple who wishes to grow together. Every couple works TOGETHER to repair things. Every couple works TOGETHER to improve communication. Why would you not expect or require it from him??? It’s the ONLY way for a relationship to work. It will NEVER work if 1 person in the relationship is not willing to put in the effort to “repair” whatever is not working.
I just can’t understand if in this situation we’re now – is it ok for me to contact him again (for another subject, for example), or I should wait for him to contact me. What if you said something like, “It feels like you have pulled away again and become more distant. It doesn’t feel good for me, so I’m just going to take a step back and wait for you to reach out when you are ready.”
Here is the thing Ecaterina. Yes, he has activated some really big insecurities in you because of the baggage you carry from your childhood. AND he is also not really strong relationship material. He is not behaving in a way that would show you he would be a good partner. If he runs from stress or confrontation, if he runs from communicating, if he doesn’t put in the effort to truly resolve things…he is NOT a good choice for a partner. He is NOT a good choice for a man to hold YOUR heart in his hands. He IS NOT CAPABLE of supporting you in the way you need. He wouldn’t be a good partner for anyone with who he is right now. So no matter how much you work on yourself, clear the anxiety and become more emotionally healthy, it will not change who he is.
Heidi
I’m confused. When are you seeing him in person? Have you agreed to go on the trip with him?
You said your communication had broken down. Do you know why? Sometimes it really just comes down to learning a better way to talk to someone.
I’ve been tip toeing for awhile. This is you trying to accommodate him and not be your 100% authentic and honest self. My guess is, it’s because you don’t want to lose him. In a normal and healthy relationship, tip-toeing is not present. BOTH people feel comfortable being themselves.
when do people enter the exclusive space. I wish there were a straightforward answer for this. Every couple is different. Being that you barely know the guy, I would suggest to just keep having fun with him, while being your authentic self and see where things lead you. If you are not comfortable being 100% of yourself around him, then it doesn’t even give him a clear picture of who you are. How would he even know if he wants to commit to you, if he doesn’t even truly know you….and vice versa. You feel he is lying about some things. He is not being authentic either. So you both have some things to figure out with each other. Are you willing to let go of your need to be exclusive for right now and just enjoy the times you get to connect and just keep gathering information?
Heidi
OH this is spectacular!!! I LOVE IT! Now you know what is important to help keep the balance between you guys. Make sure to plan a mini getaway from each other every few months as a way to make sure neither of you hits a breaking point. I love that you are planning a new place to move to in a few years. Make sure to create a SPECIFIC of how to achieve that. Maybe open a specific savings account where money goes for your move. Maybe plan on looking at certain furnishings or paint colors. Just have fun and dream, but make sure you guys keep having small conversations about it and that there is an actual plan you have put in place to make sure it happens. This will keep the dream fueled and very real vs. just something you guys talk about.
Heidi
It’s all okay! You are doing the very best that you know how and that’s enough. The thing is, relationships need to be able survive miscommunications, messiness, imperfectness etc. No matter what you did or how you say things, a relationship will last and endure those moments, IF both people are willing to just work through it. So if he cannot get past any of your humanness, mistakes, things you have said and done…then he is not a good partner for you. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HUMAN!!!! You are allowed to mess up and be loved anyway!! If he can’t offer that to you, it’s not YOUR fault! It just means he doesn’t have what it takes to offer that to you….it’s nobody’s fault. It just is.
For the future…whenever you say to a guy “I want to talk” it freaks a guy out. He instantly will start to feel like he is going to get into trouble and will NOT be motivated to connect. Another way you could have approached it would be saying “Hey love. Are you free to talk this evening or sometime soon? I miss you.” Or “Hey there. I’m free this evening if you want to connect. I’d love to hear how your day went.” Something light, easy and not scary. Imagine if he said ” I want to talk, it’s important.” Wouldn’t you instantly get nervous about the conversation? Does this make sense?
He was saying me in beggining that he wants a stable commited relationship. Then i understood that he just doesnt trust women Wanting something and actually fighting for it are 2 different things. If you think about it, we ALL have these areas where what we want and what we actually decide are 2 different things. How many people want to have a lot of money, yet they have poor spending habits? How about all those people who want to lose, but eat horribly. Or how about those people who want to have a healthy relationship, yet they keep choosing partners that bring a TON of baggage and drama to the relationship. You are the same. You want a guy who fights for you, who is emotionally available and who WANTS to offer you the world. Yet you are choosing to fight for a guy who doesn’t trust women. In these discrepancies we all carry, lives our hurts, programs, wounds, limiting beliefs, negative programs and stories. That’s why deep internal work is soooo important. Without connecting to the baggage we carry, we will sabotage everything we want in some form or fashion. Clearing the baggage helps us make decisions that ALIGN with what we want vs. making decisions that don’t support what we want. Does this make sense?
Since you are willing see a therapist or coach, do you know where to look and how to find someone? What country do you live in?
Heidi
Theres no doubt in my mind he wants me to be his girlfriend, 100%. However, as in the case seem to have been in the past with him, I don’t think this necessarily means he won’t be seeing other girls.. The thing is Lili, he chased after you while you pulled away. That “hunter” instinct that got activated in him, does not mean it’s sustainable. He may be sweet and connective and chasing after you now, but the question is, can he continue treating you this way when you are available and present with him? That seems to be the sticking point here. Only time will tell if how he is treating you will last. And it’s probably true that he is not the monogamous type. It would just be something you would have to accept about him.
but in general would have trouble expressing what I want and need. Basically what you are saying, is that I should express that to him. In order for a relationship to actually work, BOTH people need to exist. When you don’t share your wants and needs with your partner, he has no idea who you really are. You are basically just existing for him. This is co-dependent behavior….”meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” Co-dependents work PERFECTLY with narcissists, as long as the co-dependent stays co-dependent and serving the needs of the narcissist. So if you want to feel seen, known, valued, appreciated and cherished, you need to allow yourself to be known…the REAL you. The you with ALL of your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. So if you want that kind of relationship where you feel safe and connected to your partner to be your FULL and AUTHENTIC self, you need to BE that in order to see if the guy can not only handle it, but value the REAL you. If a guy is not able to offer that to you, then he is not a good match and will not be offer you what you need. So, it really depends on what kind of relationship you want. I 100% align with expressing and communicating needs and wants – in a healthy way – but not everyone is willing to live that way…and that’s okay. If you want to keep your needs and wants hidden, then you will always be in a very limited relationship. It’s really up to you – your life is your design.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
s smile warmed my heart and “a smile from a very-good looking, intelligent, hardworking man, what more could a woman want? I’m impressed.” and asked him to share more. Yes, I would say that is coming on quite strong. A man could interpret your response as desperate or needy. You are showering him with compliments that you actually don’t even know about him yet. You don’t know he is actually intelligent or hardworking. You want to make sure that the compliments you offer a person come from a place of actually KNOWING. Compliments are real and authentic once those qualities have been experienced. So to offer those compliments and say “what more could a woman want” is sending a message that you are “easy” to catch. He doesn’t have to do a darn thing to work for you, because he has already hooked you with his profile. Does this make sense? A different response could have been, “You have a wonderful smile! I bet you get a lot of compliments about it.” Then finish it with a question…something you can ask him about from his profile.
Wow! You are having quite the strong reaction about Daniel. It’s a powerful feeling, isn’t it??? It doesn’t sound like he is available though. He either might be dating someone already or not interested and not in an open mindset to invite another person into his life. He may be recently divorced or separated. But from his responses, it doesn’t sound like he is available, so no matter what you say to him, it really may not matter. Besides, don’t you want to find someone local? Doing a long-distance relationship is INCREDIBLY difficult, especially when you barely know the person to begin with. With his schedule, he would never be able to come visit you, let alone even offer space to talk with you frequently. This “pull” that you feel towards him needs to be balanced with reality. Is there a way to find out what his relationship status is?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
I understand your desire to want to work things out with him. We don’t see him in a bad light, we just see his humanness. I’m sure he is amazing AND he is sabotaging this relationship with you. In this situation, he is controlling and willing to break the relationship unless you do what HE wants. Regardless of how amazing he is in other areas of his life, you are also seeing a controlling side to him that has always been there, you just never saw it to this degree. This is definitely part of who he is. Sometimes it takes awhile for us to see a person’s worst sides. So it’s VERY important that you understand that regardless of what is happening in his life that you can’t see, what you ARE seeing is that his reaction is to be controlling and if he doesn’t get what he wants, he disconnects. That’s a FACT. This is something that will always be a part of him and your relationship unless he decides to face his high need for control when he the stress is intense enough.
I have taken 2 weeks off from communicating and it does not feel right. In the past he has made every effort to come and see me no matter how difficult it was. I am not the one who had to make the effort to see him. That is why I find this situation difficult to understand. You are trying to understand him from your past experiences. You need to see him with new eyes now, because you are getting brand new information about him. This side of him that is controlling and not willing to connect with you, this side of him that is being unreasonable, is a new experience for you. Now you know what he is capable of. I know it can be absolutely shocking, considering how he has always treated you before. It’s hard to accept and embrace it, but it’s truly important for you to KNOW that who he is choosing to be right now, IS part of his makeup. Being in a relationship with him, means that you are saying “yes” to being treated this way, even 10 years down the road. This will NOT be the last time you see this side to him.
I want to make him understand that he is being unreasonable but I also want to understand why as I don’t think he is an unreasonable person. I want him to talk to me. If he does I know I can make him see reason. You cannot make him do anything or understand anything. He gets to be this way. He is CHOOSING to be this way. His need for control is more important to him than choosing connection with you. He may not be an unreasonable person in general, but he IS unreasonable right now. This IS part of who he is…it just so happens it’s the first time you are experiencing this side of him. Being curious about what he is experiencing is so important. What kinds of conversations have you had with him about it? What kinds of questions have you asked him about his feelings? How often do you guys connect?
I feel that something is going on with him which I am unable to see. He has a whole internal world you know nothing about. He is in a trigger response which means you not being able to go visit him, he is creating a story around that which activates his need for control. Whatever story he has around it, began looooong before you ever came along. This current situation is just triggering something familiar in his emotional body that he hasn’t ever resolved. His need to control is his way of coping with whatever that story is. He may not even know the true source of his over-reaction. Most times, these original stories that carry the hurt and lies, live in the subconscious. So trying to understand the core root cause of someone’s reaction is really difficult when they don’t even understand it themselves.
So let’s find ways that you can maybe create connection again. You stopped reaching out for 2 weeks and learning that he is not putting any effort in and reaching out to you. First, I am so so sorry. I know how much it hurts to not feel fought for by the man you love. I know it doesn’t feel “right” but unfortunately, it is what is happening. Is there anything you can ask him for help with? You can make something up. If you texted “I need your help with something” and wait for him to respond. Being that he is overseas, you need to come up with something that he can give you instruction or advice about. Is there anything you can think of? Any money advice, advice about a project, advice about a job, advice about getting a present for someone he knows. Is he good at giving advice about any particular topic?
Heidi
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach? Working with someone 1 on 1 is the fastest way to shift these really patterns.
I cannot tell you what you should do. That conversation is a risk, yes. All conversations are. Whenever one person is not getting their needs met and there is a discussion about it, there ALWAYS is the risk that the other person does not want to align and the relationship ends. The question is, are you willing to fight for yourself? You can stay silent and not say anything at all, but then you end up suffering and creating all kinds of stories around that app being on his phone and the longer you live with it, the more the tension will build. OR…you can speak up and let him know you saw it and you want to know the truth about what he is thinking and where he is at with this relationship. Once you guys speak about the truth, there is a chance of a breakup, but there also is a chance for growth. He already said he appreciates your honesty and respects that about you. This conversation could actually turn out to be pretty great! Who knows! Reality is, if this conversation is going to break things, it means the breakup is inevitable and will come at some point anyways. Why not face it head-on, use your voice and that at least gives this relationship a chance to work. How can anything be fixed if hurt feelings are not talked about?
But you are right. Speaking up may cause an ending. That is the consequence. But if you don’t speak up, you are betraying and abandoning yourself, which means you are treating yourself exactly like your mom treats you. There are consequences to that choice as well. So it’s up to you which path to take.
Heidi
Wow! What a sad letter he wrote. Again, you are absolutely spot on. He is 100% playing the victim and blaming you for everything. His view of marriage and love is REALLY messed up and those beliefs will destroy ANY relationship unless the woman carries the same exact values. That is not you. He is right though. The ONLY way for this to work is for you to align with his values or vice versa – and that would destroy any possibility for a deep, connected, intimate love to exist. What you want to experience with love, cannot come from him. He is not capable. The stories and programs that run in his subconscious are soooooo strong and he NEEDS to hold onto those stories in order to feel like he belongs and fits somewhere. He is incredibly fragile and you have exposed that about him. The only way fragile people can survive their lives, is to blame the other person. Yes, you have your issues as well and brought challenge to the relationship. We all do that, but the difference between marriages that work or don’t work, are what the people do with those challenges. BOTH people need to grow, learn, take responsibility, be curious about their own mistakes and be curious about their partners. he is not that kind of partner he is, so there really is nowhere to go with this guy except to align with his views and ways of having a marriage. Maybe he will find that one day, who knows. What’s important is for you to continue to align with YOUR own way of living and the relationships you choose to invite into your life.
How does this letter make you feel? You have explained to me 2x now about that incident when he tested you. You are trying to defend yourself and that’s part where I want to encourage you to connect even stronger to yourself. There is nothing to defend Huyen. It was just a moment and neither of you were effective. So what! You both were being human and functioning from hurt. He will find every little moment of discord and blame you for it, because that’s what he needs to do to deal with his fragility. You however, do not need to play into it. Forgive yourself. You were manipulative in that moment because you were hurt. Oh well! You recognize it, forgive yourself for it, release it and move on. Trying to defend yourself or explain yourself is you playing into the story he created around that moment. Create and align with YOUR story. Take responsibility and transform that moment into something useful. It was a good moment for you to learn about him and about yourself. It was a good moment for you to see who you DO NOT want to be. It was a good moment for you to learn how you can better communicate. He will find story after story after story to support his beliefs and as long as you spend your energy trying to defend and explain those stories, you are participating with him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It sounds like the way he manages his emotional life is by keeping everything inside. It’s sad really. Not a single person on this earth is meant to do that. We are meant to talk each other, we are designed to work through things TOGETHER, but sadly, it’s pretty common for people to carry and whole internal world that no one knows about. People who are like that are EXTREMELY difficult to be in a relationship with. They carry thoughts, feelings, emotions etc. that no one knows about, so in reality, not even their partners truly know them. Many times, I have found that when the woman begins to change and the man sees her taking certain actions to heal and he is SEEING the shift, it creates a safer space for the man to also want to get help. Men learn a lot through just watching and observing. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of strength to ask for help and take the healing path, so when the woman goes first, sometimes the man follows.
As aforementioned, I am doing what I can to take care of me, but I am not sure what I can do further to get my needs with him met. I still want to guide you towards yourself. Looking to him to take care of any of your needs has been one of your original challenges. You don’t know who you are without him and when people become that enmeshed, it creates a huge mess in the relationship. So the more you focus on just yourself, learning how to meet your own needs, learning how to love yourself and not look to him to take care of you, the strong the potential for the relationship with him to become more healthy. I know this is not what you want to hear and you want to have him back, especially because it would stop the pain and heartache. This pain is what is going to help you redesign, because your previous design with him didn’t work. It’s time to reshape and step more into your potential. It’s time for you to develop the strength to set boundaries and exist in the relationship WITH him instead of always hiding from being your true self. Becoming solid within yourself, becoming more fit and having the strength to be and say who you are, what you need and what you want is the most powerful thing you can do in your life.
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
You haven’t destroyed anything! Relationships are NOT that simple. It’s important to understand he has his issues as well. It’s not like he doesn’t come to the relationship with his own baggage. We ALL have baggage that we carry and enter into a relationship with. When the relationship works and lasts it’s because BOTH people are committed to their personal growth and to the relationship growth. They BOTH take actions like reading books, doing therapy, improving their communication skills, facing their fears etc. When a relationship breaks, there are many different reasons, but never ever is it one person’s fault. It’s always both people that are involved, that somehow create a mixture together that doesn’t flow and causes a break.
I’m not saying that you both should see other people. That’s your own choice to make. I”m just saying that it’s REALLY important for you to start to face this anxiety whole-heartedly. It will ALWAYS create challenge and conflict for you in a relationship. Basically, when you live with that belief “I am not enough” it acts like an energetic beacon and will attract men who support that belief you carry. You will be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable which will then support you feeling like you are not enough. As much as you might want to get rid of that belief, it’s comfortable for you. You’ve lived with it your whole life and it’s become part of your identity. That’s part of the reason why you stuck with your ex as long as you did and why you are chasing this guy, who feels like he is just not that invested. Your subconscious is constantly creating a situation where the belief “I am not enough” gets supported and fueled. So even if you decide you don’t want to be with this guy anymore, if you don’t start to work on shifting that negative belief, you will just find another guy who is emotionally unavailable on some level. It’s a cycle and we ALL do it. It’s meant to bring us great pain, because that pain is what will inspire us to finally start to do something different. That pain and suffering is the motivator to take actions that we never have taken before. It’s a lot of work to shift those core beliefs that are harmful. It’s not easy, but it’s also not easy living a life with those negative beliefs in the driver’s seat. At least on the healing path, no matter how uncomfortable, painful and hard it is, it’s temporary. It’s a healthy kind of pain that leads to release and forgiveness and emotional freedom. STaying in our patterns is an unlimited and infinite amount of pain and suffering that is not healthy and only leads us to more heartache.
I understand a lot more now about why you wanted to talk about Tinder. Here is an idea of how you can bring it up. “So the other day when you were visiting, I noticed you have the Tinder app on the main bar, which means it’s being used. I admit it hurt to see that. But it’s brought me to this moment of wanting to check in and see if we are on the same page. I really would like to talk openly and honestly about us and just clear the air of anything that needs to said or done and then let’s decide what our next steps are. Are you willing to talk honestly about how you feel and where you are at with us right now?”
Heidi
So you see how no matter what your guy says or does, it won’t change that you don’t feel like you are enough. You will constantly be wanting and needing more attention, affection, communication or whatever it may be. There is no one in the world that can fill that void within you, except for you. Again, not to say that he isn’t contributing to the situation, but until you really deal with the lies and stories you carry within yourself, you will never have a clear vision about any relationship you are in.
And feeling like you are not enough, began before your ex. Go back younger and I’m sure you will find that you had teachers, parents, siblings or other influential role models show you or tell you in some sort of way that you were not enough.
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
What a beautiful vision of yourself and your future! I LOVE it! All of those things, you have within you right now. So what would you do or say differently if you were more confident? What would you do or say if you felt more fit?
The outcome is irrelevant. The only outcome that will happen for you as you become more confident, grow your business and become more connected to your body, is you will attract healthier experiences into your life. So whether that includes him or someone else, or no one else…it’s a win win…because you are more connected to the power and beauty and amazingness that you carry within you!
Heidi
