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Go ask the front desk. Let them know you gave out a spare key and that person is not giving it back. Ask if you can make payments or something for them to switch the locks. I have done that before in an apartment complex and it’s something they are equipped to handle….OR…just let it go. He will drop the key whenever he does and you still continue to create closure on your own. Let him know that he can drop the key at the front office of your complex and they will return it you, or let him know when you will NOT be home so he can drop it off under your mat. Either way, make arrangements to NOT see him. This is how you will get your key back. Besides, your hope is still alive, so you need to squash it out completely by NOT giving yourself a way to see him. It’s over Cindi. Keep reminding yourself of that every time hope creeps back in.
I want to encourage you to start to practice using your OWN voice, even with me or your therapist. Just because a therapist tells you to say something or just because I tell you NOT to say something, OWN IT YOURSELF! What do YOU feel is the best thing to do? Don’t lose yourself in “expert” opinions either.
Now you have 2 expert resources. Next time, when you are trying to make a decision, BEFORE taking action, ask BOTH me and your therapist about our opinions. Then make your decision according what YOU want to align with. This is how you start to make YOUR voice and YOUR opinion matter. This is how YOU stay empowered instead falling back into the pattern of constantly deferring to someone else, expert or not. Even if you what you decide to do creates an outcome you don’t want, you own it and learn from it and keep moving forward. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m honestly not a super fan of what your therapist is suggesting to say and here are 3 reasons why:
1. It’s setting you up AGAIN for you needing HIM to do something specific so you can feel okay and that is a lifelong pattern of yours of handing your power away to other people. If you want to have a different kind of outcome with a man, you HAVE to learn to take ownership of your own well-being instead of waiting around for someone else to say, do, or be something FOR you, so you can feel whatever it is that you are after.
2. Remember how he felt like your life revolved around him? Well that’s exactly what this statement is saying to him which RE-INFORCES why he broke up in the first place. You are just telling him once again, that HE is responsible for YOUR feeling of closure. That kind of comment will only validate his feelings about breaking up with you.
3. HE IS COLD!! This statement you want to text him is you asking him to care about how you feel and to someone who is trying to end things the way he is, he is NOT going to care about how you feel. He has shown that to you over and over and over again…HIS feelings matter, NOT yours. So you want to set yourself up for rejection again? You want to once again, put your feelings out there for him to ignore? All this statement is going to do is create irritation for him, not care. It’s a “needy” statement and he will instantly feel that and be glad he ended things.
It’s time you take your OWN hurt and pain and handle it yourself. You actually DO NOT need the key to create closure. There is NO truth in that. If that were actually true, then just change the locks, so his key is invalid. Simple fix. CREATE CLOSURE YOURSELF!!!!! You can do this!
My guess is, BECAUSE you are not done and still holding onto hope, this key is the LAST reason you have to talk with him or see him. So the key is becoming the focus instead of you taking matters into your own hands. What you are REALLY hoping for is another reason for contact with him. So instead of creating closure on your own, WITHOUT HIM, you are creating a way to keep your hope alive through this key. Of course you get to do that, but it will only prolong the suffering. It’s up to you.
Heidi
Hi Hayley!
Welcome! Thank you for explaining your situation and being here to learn! It sounds like you have pretty strong feelings for him.
I’m just going to stop you in your tracks. There is ONE thing that really needs to be addressed here. HE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN. It doesn’t matter whether you believe his age is an issue or not, because it’s not about YOU. It’s about how HE feels about it. His children have grown and he has been there and done that and doesn’t want to start all over again. It’s be like you graduating from high school and then get told you need to go back to kindergarten and do it all over again. How would that make you feel?? Or…how would YOU feel if he spend his time and energy trying to convince you that you DON’T want a child?? How would it feel for you to have someone trying to change you instead of accepting that YOU know what is best for yourself. By you wanting to change his mind, means you are making yourself an authority on how he should feel. This is a recipe for disaster. No person appreciates not being accepted for EXACTLY who they are.
So first and foremost, LISTEN to what he says he wants and if what he wants is a deal breaker for you, then accept that, instead of trying to make things the way YOU want. That kind of thinking is exactly what causes breakups down the road and I don’t think you want something like that. I imagine you want a healthy, respectful, nourishing connection where BOTH you and him feel accepted and loved and cherished for WHO YOU ARE and NOT who the other person wants you to be…yes? If you want that kind of love, then you have to BE that kind of love as well. Thoughts?
Second, is there a rush here? You guys barely know each other. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 8 years. You guys are BRAND NEW in the romance department which is a very different arena to navigate AND you only see each other 3 days at a time. What’s the rush? I know you want him to move there, but what about his kids? THEY NEED A FATHER to be present in their lives until they go out on their own. It’s absolutely appropriate for him to stick with THEM and continue to help shape them before heading off into the world on their own.
I’m really not seeing how him moving to Australia is a healthy thing, especially when you guys are so new to each other AND he has young kids AND you want different things. I understand you have strong feelings and how amazing that feels! It’s powerful and it absolutely would make you want to build a life with him. But what’s missing here is a critical piece – he is NOT able to offer you what you want. You want to remove those blocks, but at the expense of his kids having a father and at the expense of what he KNOWS he wants (not having another child)…all so you can get what you want. Is that how you want to set up the relationship?
Heidi
I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is and how shocking it is to have someone sooooooo loving and connective turn out to also be so cold. I’m so sad for him and I’m so sad that it didn’t turn out for you the way you imagined and had invested in.
One day at a time Cindi.
Heidi
Well done Cindi! I love that you are bringing your kids into this as well. There are many many layers to work through and you are steps in a positive direction, even though it’s still incredibly painful.
my brain fights me on it, and that’s typically when I break down. It’s hard to let go of the idea that I found someone who’s willing to do this thing with me, even though it’s complicated, and hard. That someone who loved and talked to me that way is cold and gone. Part of why your brain fights against what is happening, is there are holes in your understanding about how trauma works, how baggage works, and how the psyche works. You carry a very innocent and young belief that if he was so amazing and good and made you feel the way you did, that he would never be unhealthy, toxic, or uncaring towards you. Both can absolutely exist in a person and because you don’t understand how that is created in one person, it just doesn’t make sense. AND, you have said many times “I would never treat someone this way” so it just doesn’t make sense to you that things turned out this way, when they didn’t need to. I get it. There are A LOT of things we don’t get about how other people behave. Rapists, murderers, players, con artists and the list goes on full of toxic people in this world. Do you understand THEIR behaviors and choices? Nope. That’s why I am saying it doesn’t matter. All that matters is HOW HE IS and whatever happened in his life to create this cold, disconnected man after being so open, is about HIS journey. All you really need to know is that he is wonderful AND he is toxic, harmful, and has narcissistic tendencies. His shadow side impacts his best sides and all together, he just doesn’t add up to being a good partner for ANY woman. Like you have experienced, he broke trust and safety with how he handled all of this and even if you guys worked things out and he didn’t quit, the joy you had with him before, would be slightly less because in the back of your mind, you would remember how he treated you and broke safety.
So even though your brain fights you, you also have a part of your brain that KNOWS he did not belong on the pedestal you created for him and that although he was fantastic and made you feel amazing, it was ONLY when things were good, so his connection, openness, care, and love had some serious limits and did not sustain when challenges showed up. THAT is real too.
Keep going Cindi! Every single day is one more day you made it through and you should ALWAYS give yourself some SERIOUS props for that. What you are navigating is so tough! So keep encouraging yourself and celebrating yourself for making it through another day!
Have you heard back from him at all about your key and earrings?
Heidi
Hi Seow!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all your thoughts!! There is sooooooo much to talk about and unpack, far deeper than you aware of, so stick with me as we navigate all of this. I am seeing a lot of misunderstandings, so let’s start by helping you to shift perspectives, so you can feel more empowered about how to move through your situation.
First, it is absolutely obvious that you are alpha, a leader, and a problem solver. What is VERY important to understand, is that ALL of our greatest strengths, are also our greatest weaknesses 100% of time. So, while you are a leader and a problem solver and many times, it’s needed, helpful, and purposeful, it can also be harmful when you are problem solving when what you really need to be doing is just letting the situation be and NOT problem solve. Maybe it’s better just to listen. Maybe it’s better to not control the outcome and just let it unfold however it does. Maybe it’s better NOT to get involved at all and let someone deal 100% with their own problems. You are independent….a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL quality and it has served you in a million ways. It has strengthened you and it has sourced your confidence AND that independence also go in the way of you being able to receive the gifts he was offering you when you said “Stop buying me anything. I can buy whatever I like myself”. I know it was more about not feeling aligned with the gifts he was offering you AND it’s always important to pay attention with what comes out of your mouth, as it IS an expression of some part of how you feel. Are you able to see how the best, most amazing parts of you also can shoot you in foot and be harmful to connection? This will ALWAYS be true for the rest of your life. It’s nothing we are able to change, it’s more that we recognize how we are sabotaging sooner than later and we course correct. Whenever the shadow side of our gifts are being activated, it’s letting us know about the “fault lines” that live within our system – the “cracks” in our foundation that exist because of lies, low self-esteem, trauma, past hurts and wounds…basically, our “baggage” lives in our fault lines. So when we are showing up in an ineffective way, EVEN THOUGH we think we are helping and doing good, it lets us know that our baggage is being activated.
Here is an example…you helped him through the divorce. You “saved” him. You did things that he didn’t feel he was capable of and you helped him through the worst part of his life. You took on the role of being his rescuer. And while your heart was super caring and loving and you had compassion for him, all you did was enable him. You set yourself up to be his “savior” when what REALLY needed to happen, was for him to save himself. He could have gotten professional help. He could have handled his ex in a different way. He has NO CLUE how strong he really is now, because he tied his ability to get through this challenging situation to YOU. And that will instantly muck up any kind of love and connection, because you have been set up from the beginning as his savior and he is the victim that cannot take care of himself. So while you were doing something from your heart and with good intention, it also harmed the connection, it harmed him, and it harmed the love that was being built on this VERY shaky foundation.
So now….you BOTH are dealing with the long term consequences that were destined to show up at some point and the foundation is breaking. Is it fixable? Well, the ONLY way to repair this connection is for you BOTH to start operating differently and for you BOTH to stop the destructive ways that you connect. It’s not all destructive, but enough of it is, that’s its breaking your connection. From the beginning you viewed him as the victim and incapable of handling his toxic ex wife. Did you ever consider what was happening inside of HIM, that he chose to bond himself to this kind of woman in the first place? And that LEARNING how to separate from her was a NEEDED lesson for him so he could strengthen himself? Only a guy with a lot of low self-esteem would choose a wife like that. Separating from her was the PERFECT time for him to repair that low self-esteem. But instead, you came to the rescue and actually robbed him of some of the most important lessons he needed to learn. You didn’t believe he was capable, therefore he never learned that he was. And YOU came to the rescue, because I’m guessing that is a deep need of yours. Somewhere, deep inside, being the rescuer gives you your value…it helps you to feel loved. I know this pattern well, because I functioned the same exact way. I watched myself choose men over and over and over again who put me on this pedestal because I “saved” them or I “inspired them” or I “was like nothing they have ever experienced before.” But in reality, I was choosing men who were quite damaged SO THAT I could hear those words. I was taught that I was not lovable otherwise. It was my “winning formula” which is the formula I used to “sell” to others to show I was valuable and hide my imperfections. It worked every single time…AND there were always consequences to this design, because it set me “above” my partner where I was much more higher functioning than him. It throws off the balance.
So…if you really want to fix this love and connection, the first place to start is getting to know yourself. Start to really look at your choices, your patterns, your thoughts, your habits, the roles you are constantly placing yourself in and pay attention to the energy that sources all of it. Let’s be clear though…it’s NOT about what you do, it’s about the energy that sources what you do. You are in such a strong leadership type of role 24/7, that you were unable to be in a receiving state when your guy was giving you gifts, regardless of whether you liked them or not. What does that tell you about yourself? I’d say you are quite uncomfortable letting someone else lead and allowing yourself to rest sometimes. Does this resonate for you? Or not?
I’ll stop there, because I already shared a lot and I don’t want to overwhelm you. I love that you are here and open to learning, so be honest if what or how I am sharing, is ineffective for you. Working over this computer is extremely difficult sometimes as I’m trying share some very complicated and deep concepts.
Here is a story that may help you understand better what I was explaining: https://youtu.be/dQ26D_Ck158?si=OE1pkhN4QaqtW8K_
I just want to address what you said, but this is also a BIG topic with a lot of layers to it. I found myself thinking “oh boy, this is hard. so much is expected of a woman in a relationship?” We need to be independent, interesting, presentable, take care of our looks, be understanding and supportive, yet be demure and know how to behave with a man and so forth…. I can absolutely see why you would have these thoughts and feelings. I want to encourage you though. You have a perspective that is missing the target here and that’s why it would feel exhausting for you. First and foremost, NONE OF THIS is ever meant to be “for a man.” Everything you described are actually meant to be NATURAL effortless ways of being as a woman. The fact that it feels like “work” to you, means there are missing parts of your feminine side that are not alive and functioning in your life. I’m wondering, how often to you activate your softness, your receiving side, your allowing vs. pushing side, your nurturing side? I’m wondering, being an alpha female, it’s SUPER easy to get caught up in being strong more from the male side of yourself vs. the female side of yourself. This was a long journey for me as well. Growing up with narcissist father, 2 brothers and 8 boys down that street as my playmates, my male energy side became VERY over-developed. It served me of course, having boys as my friends and being a high powered and successful athlete. AND…it harmed me when I entered into a relationship and trying to activate my soft, compassionate side. I could easily activate my sexual side, put on a dress, do my hair and makeup and turn some heads, but that was a very limited expression of my female side. It goes soooooo much deeper than that. If you want to keep talking about this, let’s dive in!
And lastly, I do want to encourage you. I know that you feel bitter, angry, and resentful. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel that way. If you REALLY want to save your relationship, those are feelings that HAVE to be dealt with, faced, honored, and worked through DIRECTLY. Do you have someone who can help you clear those feelings out, so you can start being more available for connection and healing the challenges with your guy?
I would happily share the info. of my coach. She is the most brilliant person I have every come across and her methods, techniques, and approach works sooooo fast….as long as you willing to do the work. She is tough and she is very used to working with incredibly high functioning and high powered people in this world that run companies. With everything that you are feeling and going through, I would recommend some expert help and support. If this interests you, let me know and I will send her contact info. to your email.
In the meantime, let’s keep talking.
Heidi
Let’s break this down a bit:
I would like assurances that he is taking this seriously How would you KNOW that he is taking this seriously? What is he doing and/or saying that would make you feel like he is invested and not just playing around?
there is potential to build towards something real and long term and that we’re both going to put in effort to construct a good foundation. What is a good foundation to you? What does that EXACTLY entail? What KIND of effort are you looking for from him?
But I do have fear around letting him back in and if it becomes toxic or push pull then the amount of stress I’ll experience What the DEEPER issue here is, you don’t trust yourself. So what that it becomes toxic or has a push/pull. You are not stuck. You can leave anytime you want. You are NOT trapped by HIS choices. The amount of stress you experience has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with YOU and the stories you are telling yourself about whatever is happening. Any stress that shows up, is just letting you know about those stories that are running in your system. And one of those stories is that you don’t trust yourself for some reason. You don’t trust that you can handle whatever shows up. You don’t trust your resilience. The reality is Laura, no matter the relationship, there are going to be moments of BIG stress, there are going to be moments of push/pull, there are going to be moments where trust is broken. It’s normal! So you have to trust yourself implicitly BECAUSE all of those things are going to happen.
Self trust is saying “No matter what he chooses, no matter what happens between him and I, I am resilient. I am resourceful, I am intelligent, I can heal, and I will be okay.” When that kind of belief in yourself is running through your veins, whatever it is that you choose or he chooses, you have confidence that is NOT based on him being what you need him to be, in order to feel okay.
The thing is, when fear comes up, it instantly activates higher needs for control, to avoid the exact thing we are fearful of. And then, we end up making all kinds of decisions, based on fear about something that hasn’t even happened yet! So imagine this Laura…what if you weren’t afraid? What if you just let him be who he needed to be WITHOUT having a discussion about what’s next? What if you just got very clear about your standards and then you just took one day at a time? What if you could feel completely peaceful just observing and watching yourself and him and let his actions and words over time, guide what feels comfortable for you vs. asking for HIM to offer assurances…which by the way, is just a bunch of words that have no foundation because as you already know, his words and actions were thwarted by his feelings for his ex. You just never know what is going to happen either for you or for him…it’s the reality of life. So again…what if there were no fear? Your fear is causing you to feel attached to a very specific outcome, therefore increasing your need to control so you don’t get hurt again. I know I’m repeating myself here, but sometimes saying it in different ways can help people.
So my guidance is to face your fear, instead of looking at him to relieve that fear for you. That’s just a bandaid.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know it’s hard Cindi. This is the first time you are experiencing heartbreak from a type of love you gave all of yourself to. Letting go of that hits you VERY deep, so therefore you need to be more DIRECT in your approach to help yourself heal. Exercising, reading, and talking about it are NOT techniques to help you actually process the pain DIRECTLY. While all of those things are super important and can help you, they are not techniques that work with your pain and the stories sourcing your pain DIRECTLY. Journaling and talking are great ways to just let it all out and that is soooo important. Keep doing that! I’d like to see you take it step further though. You will recover sooooooo much faster when you get more purposeful and direct with your healing.
Techniques that actually work WITH the pain will actually help create relief from the suffering, especially when you have a wave that hits you really hard. Again, look up tapping universe.com or you can go to YouTube and find a TON of videos on EFT for breakups, for hurt, for addictions, for anything you can imagine. Here is a visualization that might help: https://blog.thewellnessuniverse.com/healing-broken-heart-visualization-exercise/
And really, if you just google “how to heal a broken heart” a TON of things pop up. Even type that in YouTube and you will get bombarded with people offering their guidance. Find out what resonates for you. This is about you taking DIRECT action to work with your pain and build a new skillset for how to help yourself heal.
There is more you can do to help yourself Cindi! Now is the time to fight for yourself on a deeper level. DO NOT let this man steel your joy and the beauty of your love and light that you carry. He was your teacher, not your forever person. The pain he has activated in you is causing you to learn and grow in ways that you deeply needed. Now, you can start to develop your SKILLS in how to better manage your pain and help yourself recover.
Keep coming here and venting and letting it all out too! I don’t even have to give guidance back, you can just say “Heidi, I need to vent this time and I need some validation.” I will absolutely support you!!!
Heidi
Hi! I’m glad he reached out and that you guys are meeting up.
The biggest guidance I would give you, is to get CRYSTAL CLEAR about what those assurances are for you. Meaning, where are you drawing your line in the sand and not willing to negotiate away for yourself? That’s what HE needs to know and that’s what you need to know as well. Where are you willing to compromise and where are you set stone?
What assurances are you looking for Laura?
Heidi
Great question! It’s your NEED to understand that is causing the suffering. Your mind thinks that if you just understand, if you could just figure out what went wrong, if you could just be clear about what happened, THEN the pain would subside OR you could possibly figure out a way to get him back. It’s not true. It’s your minds way of actually avoiding the deepest pain of all…it’s over, end of story. Analyzing will not change that it’s time for you to let go of the dream you created around him and the love you felt for him.
You help yourself by STOPPING the stories that come up that feeds the pain. For example, let’s say you start to think “I can’t believe he would ever treat me this way. I thought he loved me. He did…..he said….he showed me…..he told me…..” When you start to notice yourself starting to loop around everything that happened you say “Stop! It’s over Cindi. We are not going that road again. It’s time to embrace that it’s really over.” And you begin to reprogram your mind with the CURRENT reality instead of avoiding it by allowing your looping thoughts, which keeps the pain and confusion alive.
I know you don’t understand how he could treat someone this way. It’s okay! You don’t need to understand. Your only job is to be aware that he can. His version of love is different than yours. His version of integrity is different than yours. That’s ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW! Those differences are deal breakers, end of story. So trying to understand the what and why and how on HIS side, is just a distraction from focusing on yourself. It’s your pattern Cindi. You focus so much not he “other” and you lose yourself over and over and over again. Your focus on the “other” means you don’t have to pay attention to what is within you.
I’ve given you SEVERAL tools, videos, techniques to look up, all to help you, yet you are still allowing yourself to spin and spin and spin around HIM. So…you get to stay in pain as long as you keep this up. You can heal after several months or you can heal in just a few months. It all depends on the inner work you are willing to do and how much you will hold yourself accountable and commit to making deeper changes instead of staying in your typical patterns.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
It looks like you created a whole new story about him, believing it was all lies. That absolutely is very possible AND it could also be that he truly believes that about himself. We all have our blind spots, which is why it’s so important to have people that are educated, wise, and able to hold us accountable to higher levels of truth. If all he did was read books, that’s just knowledge. It’s a very different level to have a GOOD therapist or a skilled person be able to see past all of our crap AND to allow them to point things out to us. Either way, the “why” behind his choices and behavior and his intent don’t really matter. What matters is the end result. The “why” is for HIM to deal with, not you.
When you start to move a lot of the pain out of your system, you won’t need to create a story which makes him bad and wrong and you won’t be judging yourself anymore. You will see all of this with more open eyes, you won’t need to “figure out” what went wrong anymore and you will just get to a point where all of that stuff just doesn’t matter anymore. Keep working through your anger and hurt. Keep being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Keep learning new ways to fill yourself up, so you no longer allow yourself to head into scarcity, which makes it sooooo easy to have a man fill you up instead of yourself.
Whether he was authentic with his feelings or not, the gift he gave you was opening you up and letting you know what is possible. You NEEDED to have the experience of being treated well, paid attention to, and having open arms greet you. You NEEDED to know what it felt like to have a man excited to be with you and make plans with you. It’s part of your healing journey to never settle for anything less than that!!! He helped you create a new standard for how you want to be treated.
Heidi
I’m so proud of you Cindi. These “firsts” can be really difficult. It’s normal and to be expected AND you made it and you know that are going to create some new memories without him…and it will be okay!
How are you doing with all the stories that have been torturing you? The stories that he is the best thing that ever happened to you and that you are the one that messed things up and so on. Are you able to more easily stay connected and grounded to the truth of the whole situation? Are you able to keep him off of that pedestal you created for him?
Heidi
Well this makes a lot of sense. You have a VERY strong program that engages with narcissism. So when this guy started showing up that way, you immediately went into becoming what you are used to being….small and insignificant and making excuses why that was somehow okay. You stayed with a narcissist for 10 years, so you have a high level of tolerance for it. The hard part about this current guy, is you also had a lot of good, so it was confusing for you. You slipped right back into your comfortable pattern and role of being the listener and staying silent when the man demanded that of you.
It makes me question myself. It makes me feel afraid to trust someone again. It makes me lose faith in men. It makes me feel like this is how it’s going to be. It makes me feel scared that being a single mom with two kids is going to make this harder than I ever imagined. It makes me feel like he left because of the kids. I know most of these things are probably unfounded, but it’s what I’m feeling, and I’m trying to work through it. I understand all of your feelings. Of course you doubt yourself and of course you lost faith in men. You felt like you had never felt before and it turns out that even THAT was not what you thought. It’s crushing.
First and foremost, you need to focus on building self-trust first. Part of doing that, is becoming more educated. I trust myself, because I know A LOT and my skillset and knowledge helps me see someone for who they really are vs. being swept away and buying into whatever a man presents. So developing your knowledge will help you. Then working on your baggage is the 2nd part of building trust. For example, you said you KNEW things were moving too fast and he was the one initiating all of it. Well, that was a red flag and you did recognize it, but you ignored it. He was love bombing you and you fell right into it because of your wounds and your starving energy that desperately wanted to be fed by a man. As you experienced, knowing something does not matter if you are not able to put action to it. 3 years ago I had my college boyfriend enter my life again. We always had chemistry and he came into my life when I was in and out of the hospital having surgery after surgery. I was in bed most of the time and he became my entertainment. I KNEW he was not a good match for me. I KNEW every single red flag that would lead to problems. I KNEW that he was entertaining me at a time that I was having a very difficult time. Just because I knew EXACTLY what I was stepping into, my need for connection and comfort was much higher…and as expected, it brought me a lot of extra pain and frustration. So…becoming educated is JUST THE FIRST STEP. You have to do the work BELOW THE SURFACE to clear your baggage so you can take action on what you know. That’s how you build trust. It’s no different than someone wanting to lose weight and they KNOW that eating ice cream every single night will not help them lose weight, but they do it anyway. That’s what breaks self-trust – when you are not aligning with what you know, but instead doing the exact thing that prevents you from getting what you want. Does that make sense?
When you build that self-trust, THEN you can begin to build trust with a man. Because the truth is, no matter how healthy and amazing a relationship is, HE WILL BREAK YOUR TRUST and vice versa. We are human and going to mess things up. So WHEN he breaks your trust, you have your own self-trust to fall back on. When you don’t have self-trust to fall back on, your whole world ends up being turned upside down, just like you are experiencing now.
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
It sounds like he is INCREDIBLY fragile and demonstrating strong narcissistic tendencies. That basically means that there is NO room for being wrong or at fault for anything. People like that are always gaslighting….somehow turning things around to always have the blame landing on the other person and they are somehow always right and get validated by that. It’s incredibly toxic and dysfunctional and absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with that pattern. So of course you didn’t feel open and safe. He broke trust by not making you matter and making you his punching bag.
He was not giving you one of your core, fundamental needs, which was for you to feel safe – and to do that, a guy needs to create a container for the woman to express herself as well. He needs to listen, he needs to validate you, he needs to take ownership for his contribution…anything less than that will break trust and safety.
You should listen to this podcast…I found it on Spotify, but I’m sure it’s other places as well – I think it’s even on YouTube. It’s called “Know Thyself.” Listen to episode 82 with Dr. Ramani Durasula. She is one of the top experts on narcissism. She is great and I believe has 1 or 2 books about it. She really brought the narcissistic pattern to the common world and started educating many people about it. I think, at the very least, it’s good to understand and know about, so you can keep your eye out for it.
In the end though Cindi, what matters more than anything, whether you label it narcissistic or something else, how he made you feel was NOT okay. It’s NOT a dynamic that is healthy and it will literally start to steel your life force from you over time.
One of the questions I always have my clients ask themselves…Is it love to ME to love this person? Is it a loving, kind, compassionate, nourishing thing for YOU to offer your very valuable heart to this guy?? Nope. Not how he treated you as you guy navigated this challenge. There is NO WAY it’s a loving thing for YOU to be ignored, not valued, blamed, and not feeling emotionally safe with him. So…that’s not what you want to call love. Like I keep saying, it’s trauma bonding and coupling, NOT love.
Does this help? I’m sure it might have been hard for you to share this about him, because you probably knew what I would say – and it’s NOT what you want to hear. I keep trying to knock him off the pedestal you put him on and you are holding onto it for dear life and going through the normal rollercoaster ride of letting go. Thank you for sharing Cindi. Your vulnerability is beautiful!!! I’m honored to be a part of your journey through this very difficult time!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Well, I have 2 different thoughts. If I were in your situation, there would be a part of me wondering “How long is it going to take for this guy to be ready?” Obviously there is no answer to this question, because HE doesn’t even know that. But what I do know, is that I want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from being with me and I would have limited patience waiting for a guy who needs to figure his stuff out. If it’s taking sooooo long, then I would be less and less motivated to even try, no matter how great things were. So how long YOU are willing to wait around for him, is a personal thing, but it IS something to consider and think about. Because waiting for HIM, means you are putting your life on hold. So make sure that you pay attention to yourself in the meantime. Make YOUR timeline matter as well. Make YOUR feelings matter as well, not just his.
I would say to wait at least 2 weeks. Make that your goal, but also check in with yourself daily and make sure that feels okay for you. When you get to the 2 week mark, see how you feel. You might feel like you want to go longer or you might feel ready to extend an olive branch. A LOT can happen in a couple of weeks, so the most important thing to do is stay connected to how you are feeling. If you reach 2 weeks and your fear is BIG and it makes you want to reach out, face your fear instead. The ideal way to handle this whole thing is to NOT make any decisions until the fear is gone. I’m sure there are a lot of layers in it, but by facing it and growing your trust that it’s all going to work out for the best, the fear will subside and THEN…you will be sooooooo much more clear to know what you feel like doing, because fear won’t be clouding you. Does this make sense? However long it takes, take it. And if you make clearing your fear your main goal and the determining factor as to how and when you reach out, then it really puts you in a higher functioning mindset for the next best steps. Does that make sense?
Heidi
