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There really is a lot happening for you again. I can’t believe it’s time for you to already start packing and planning your trip. Change is at your doorstep again. I love the passage “be still and know that I am God.” It brings a lot of comfort, doesn’t it? It’s a good reminder and something to hold in the forefront of your mind as you begin a new phase of your life.
I’m not familiar at all with all the citizenship stuff and the differences between everything. Being that you cannot become a citizen of Canada, does it limit you from doing anything? It sounds like people have figured out ways to get what they need. I imagine you can do the same, yes? Currently, are you a U.S. citizen?
I’m glad you finally figured out who Sterling was. Maybe you should go work for them…lol. They seem to have some good guys that catch your attention! That’s great that Dean is still keeping in touch. Your whole life is kind of up in the air right now isn’t it?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
I haven’t gone he shuts me out. In his words it may be too late already. Which I feel is so unreasonable. This seems to be the place that you guys keep getting stuck. I know you have a beautiful and amazing connection, but it’s impossible to grow if one person is not willing to be fluid and flexible. You are right. It is unreasonable. He has put some impossible standards on you. I wonder if it’s more of an excuse to hide what is really happening for him. You keep saying you think something is going on with him. What makes you think that way? I know he doesn’t talk about his problems, but has he said anything that would make you think there is something happening for him that he is not sharing with you?
Heidi
Hi Krisann,
I know it can get confusing when a guy is connective and then when things start to get real, they disappear. Are you sure he is single? Did you guys ever talk in person or was it all through social media? Was it just a few short exchanges or did you guys actually have more lengthy conversations? My guess is, he may not really be available to meet up. How long has it been since you guys connected?
Heidi
Hi Q!
Welcome to the forum. I love that you are reaching out and asking for ideas and guidance. It shows you really care about your relationship and that you truly want to make things work.
Do you have more detail you can share? How are you guys different? I understand your schedules are a big barrier. But let’s first see where the real struggles are. How long have you been together? How old are you guys? Do you guys tend to have arguments about the same exact things?
The more detail you share, the easier it is for us to offer some ideas!
Heidi
Hi Connie,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I completely understand how you are feeling. To open yourself up like that and then not be sure what the next steps are or if you guys are on the same page moving forward, can absolutely provoke anxiety.
Am I understanding correctly that he lives a few hours away? It would have been okay for you to ask to talk to him about your truck like saying something like, “Can you call me tonight so I can ask you a few questions about it and get your advice?” Did you have anything wrong with your truck though?
I know it’s been 5 days. Give it a little more time. I know you both agreed to “take a step back” but that is not how you really feel, correct? Is there a funny video you could send him or a joke or something like “I saw this and thought you might appreciate it…” HOw does approaching it this way feel for you? You want to make sure you get a good conversation going again and let him feel how much he enjoys talking with you. You guys did move quite fast, so there is a bit of reverse engineering that needs to happen here. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Spotify is free with commercials. If you want commercial free, it becomes a paid subscription.
I can’t believe the time is coming up so close now for you to transition again. I know how scary it can be when there are no specific plans. With the job that Randy is mentioning, will it allow you to work from home? You are doing such a great job keeping your focus on what strengthens you. It’s how you build character. I’m excited to learn what will unfold for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It’s a tricky thing to lead with an open heart. In my opinion, it’s only part of the equation. I like how Brene Brown puts it. Strong back, soft front, wild heart. Strong back…have standards, boundaries and be in alignment with your truth. Soft front – stay open, stay curious, stay connective, stay authentic – even if the person in front of you disagrees. Wild heart – allow yourself to explore, be creative, expand and grow – in whatever manner it desires. Step out of the “box” and allow yourself to be free.
So leading with an open heart takes GREAT strength as it requires a person to really do a lot of internal work, releasing baggage, truly discovering who they are and figuring out how to be okay when that doesn’t fit with the person in front of you.
You ARE a wife now, and become one man’s wife when you get married to him. So behave like a wife now. Not a super fan of this statement either. It’s actually a bit sexist and quite a limited statement. That’s just my opinion though. Being a “wife” is going to mean several different things to many women. What is your definition of being a wife?
Brene Brown has a great podcast I listen to on Spotify. You should check it out!
Oh Wow! You guys really have a lot going on. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through.
I wonder…what did that wife on vacation feel sorry for you for? She obviously saw something between you guys that made her feel sad about you. What was it? And I have to say, it’s completely irresponsible and disrespectful to be offering “advice” to a couple when your drunk. That’s a DISASTER waiting to happen…and of course it turned out like that.
I’m going to be quite honest with you. He sounds like he has some very strong narcissistic tendencies. Everything is about him. He blames YOU for “cheating” even though you guys were broken up. He has cheated a handful of times. He blames you for not supporting him in HIS way, he blames you basically for everything. He is not willing to talk about anything or resolve anything. He expects you to support him and his dreams and has no interest in what you need. He makes decisions that affect you and his child without discussing them with you and when he does, he blames you for not being supportive because you ask questions. Goodness!!! Everything is YOUR fault. This is narcissism. The thing is, there is no resolving anything with someone like this.
I understand that you love him, but it’s not enough. If love were enough, we wouldn’t have over a 50% divorce rate. There are skills required to keep a relationship together, beyond love and connection. If 1 person is not willing to own up to their own baggage and mistakes and harm they have caused, there is NO chance at resolution. It ALWAYS takes both people to be on the same page of growth. All he is showing you is that he does not respect you, care about your opinion or experience, he cheats when he wants and he lives his life the way he wants and expects you to align with it. He gets to be that way though. It’s not love though. People with these strong narcissist tendencies always end up attracting co-dependents because it’s the only way for a relationship to function.
Narcissism is: meeting the needs of self at the expense of other
Co-dependent is: meeting the needs of other at the expense of selfDO you see why it’s such a good match? The ONLY way for a relationship to last and work is if the co-dependent person stays in alignment of their role to serve the narcissist. As long as you agree with what he wants, all will be okay.
Have you ever read about or looked into narcissism? If not, you may want to check it out. You can just go to youtube and look up narcissism. THere are a lot of TEdx talks about it.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Maybe it’s time for you to really wake up to what you are choosing in your life. Your goal of wanting to keep your family together is ONLY going to happen if you stay silent, stop questioning him, allowing him to do what he wants and you just follow him and let him lead you 100%. You lose yourself in the process though.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Ecaterina!!! This is so beautiful what you are saying! You are getting it! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!! Even when you are messy and not perfect, YOU ARE ENOUGH!!! Anyone who is not able to see that about you, is a person that doesn’t need to be part of your circle. It’s not their fault or your fault, it just is.
If i am in a toxic relationship, or the anxiety comes from my head? It’s both. Your anxiety has always lived inside of you. His actions and behaviors are triggering that anxiety to magnify it. So essentially, who he is doesn’t work for you AND the reaction of anxiety you have is coming from within you and your mind. I’m sure you are wondering, “If I didn’t have anxiety, would this relationship feel peaceful and be okay?” The answer is no. A guy who disconnects, a guy who is emotionally unavailable, a guy who inherently does not trust women is a guy who has his own baggage and has his own internal work to do in order to be able to offer a sustainable partnership. Same goes for you too. You have the VERY strong program that you are not enough. So you both just have some “stuff” to heal. It could work if you BOTH were committed to your own growth. If he were willing to face his resentments, fears and hurt on a deeper level, there would be a lot more potential. Since you are searching for a therapist, you are beginning that deeper journey. The thing is, we ALL are messy in so many ways, so the couples that DO work long term, are the couples that do deeper work on themselves and have an interest in becoming healthier. Those people read books, have a therapist/coach, go to workshops and retreats etc. They take ACTIONS to deal with their shadow side. That is the kind of guy that will be a perfect fit for you. You want a guy who has an internal strength that allows him to be messy and be okay with it. You want a guy who is willing to do all things for his emotional health, spiritual health, physical health. You want a guy who deeply cares and is able to face his fears instead of run from them. You want a guy who has the strength and comfort to be truly open and vulnerable. But you have to become all of those things yourself first. He is out there, ready and waiting for you to be able to also offer him the very same things!
Heidi
Hi Leonard!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot of intensity that has occurred between you guys, that you both have contributed to. I think it’s a really good thing that you guys have separated. It’s a really good thing that you are finally getting help, started on some medication and are slowly getting better. This is sooooo important, because the kind of relationship you guys had together, was not healthy for either of you.
There obviously is a really beautiful connection between you guys. He feels it, you feel it. Who knows what will end up happening. Him saying you guys will NEVER get back together is just his defense mechanism. Something in him went numb. That’s his fear. Whenever walls go up suddenly, that means someone is in a lot of fear about something. He needs to face that. If he never decides to face that, he will never truly be emotionally available for anyone. The hard thing about walls that go up, it’s usually against the person you care about most. He is really defending against you because he cares for you so deeply and he doesn’t feel safe to care for you that deeply. I know it sounds weird, but it’s a pretty normal coping mechanism. There is always the potential for things to heal and for you guys to get back together. Whether it will be healthy and sustainable or not, who knows. If he does, then the potential is much higher. Your connection, underneath all the messy stuff is really beautiful. I wish that were enough to support a healthy relationship, but unfortunately, it is just a very small part. Having a healthy relationship is a skill AND it takes 2 people that are working on themselves and growing in the same direction. You are doing some good work by facing your depression and working on all your baggage. If he is not willing to do the same for himself, then he will not be a good partner…for you or anyone. For now, keep your focus on yourself. The more you heal, the odds of him wanting to re-connect will increase. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome. I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like over the years, a lot of things have built up. You guys have been on and off and usually that means there are a lot of unresolved feelings. Do you guys end up breaking up each time because of the same things? Is he usually the one that end it or have you both taken turns?
The very best thing you can do to start, is to keep giving him space and learning about how you can become a better partner. He said he doesn’t feel supported by you. I know you said you thought you were doing that, but do you have any idea of why he feels that way? He said you didn’t defend him. If you look back, do you understand him being upset about that? Do you feel you could have defended him or do you feel that is not how you felt at the time? I’m wondering, if the rest of the relationship was going well and he felt supported by you in other areas of the relationship, if he still would have gotten really upset about you not defending. I wonder if his current reaction and breaking up is a cumulative effect. What are your thoughts on this?
So let’s break this down a bit. What were you doing that made you feel like you were supporting him and doing what he asked of you? This has obviously been talked about before, but as you are now discovering, it’s not working. Do you have any idea what is missing?
How do you feel about him? Do you feel he is meeting your needs? Do you feel happy and fulfilled and nourished by him and the relationship?Heidi
I understand the confusion. He is BOTH. He is highly connective AND he is capable of ghosting. When stress shows up in a person’s life, a whole different side can show up. Whenever you see 2 different sides to someone, according to the circumstances, that means there is A LOT of baggage that creates what is called a “split.” This just means there are 2 very strong parts of someone that will come out, depending on the situation. The split is caused by a lot of hurt, anger, resentment etc. that are unresolved from the past. All those unresolved feelings end up creating another side to him that acts in a way that will sabotage, because it’s that part that carries all the wounds and the stories that go with them. Does this make sense? So he can be highly connective when he is in his best self and then completely disconnective when he is in his worst self. Of course I do not know him, so this is just an educated guess. It’s not an uncommon way for most people to act. That’s why clearing and healing our wounds are so important. I used to be like him actually. People thought I was super connective and then once something happened, even the smallest, tiniest thing, my emotional system would switch and I would withdraw in seconds. It was really hard for me. It took years to undo it. Even to this day that is my initial reaction, but I have cleared so much of my baggage that I am able to stop myself and make a very conscious choice to stay connected and vulnerable…something I used to hate doing when I was younger.
Desperate is an energy of you being willing to do ANYTHING to be with him. That is not what you are doing by reaching out. Reaching out is just checking in about what’s happening. You are just asking for clarity. There is nothing wrong with that. I do that all the time. Many times it creates an ending, but I’m okay with that. It’s part of my filter. I need to be me…that means I don’t play guessing games, I REQUIRE communication and I am very blunt. If someone doesn’t appreciate those parts of me, then it’s just not a good match. So you need be you and then let the chips fall where they may. There is nothing wrong with reaching out and checking in with him. But if you want to keep waiting, then you can do that too. It just depends on who you want to be. Regardless of your choice, if a relationship is going to last, it has to be able to endure things like this. So either way, you are learning about him and this relationship and whether or not it can sustain you being yourself and him being himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
This is great! You are on a path of growth and having a professional is going to make all the difference in the world. There are going to be some really difficult moments. Remember this VERY IMPORTANT thing. Most times, you feel worse before you get better. When you start to undo, look at and face all that you have within you, it’s pretty normal to feel like you are getting worse. More emotional, more angry, more upset, more desperate etc. That is soooooo important because it’s you working through everything. It takes time. As you work through the intensity of emotions that come up, you will get to the other side of them and start to feel and see the gifts of all of it. There may be many times you will want to quit as well. STAY COMMITTED!!!! You are taking a very unusual path…a path that is not so easy, but well worth the rewards. The rewards just take some time to show up. I’m sooooo excited for you. We are here for you as well, so feel free to reach out anytime you need.
Of course you miss him like crazy and want to stalk him. I know that feeling VERY well. Well done on keeping yourself in control. You are doing some really good work and learning how to control your behaviors that are damaging. Remember that the space you are giving him is HONORING him. You want him to feel that he is safe with you. When you break those boundaries, you are saying “It doesn’t matter what you want. My needs are more important than yours.” So you controlling yourself and continuing to give him the space is letting him know that he can trust you. He can feel like you are a safe person to be with.
And loving yourself is a daily, neverending thing. I know you feel like you are on the losing end because you are still in quite a lot of pain and suffering. Every single little bit helps. Whatever you ARE doing to love yourself, it’s working. You were able to go a week without contacting him and you were able to stop yourself from stalking him again. That is a great step!!! So whatever you are doing is working!!! I”m so proud of you!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
