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Hi Ecaterina,
Recovery is different for everyone, but what you want to keep in mind is that you just went through something really tough. Imagine you got a really BIG cut. You finally got to the doctor and you got your antibiotics and stitches and now it’s just going to take some tender love and care for healing to take place. You had a really big cut in your emotional body. Now there is closure and an ending and now is the time to really nurture yourself into healing. Make sure you are filling your day with things that make you smile and laugh or things that comfort you. Be VERY KIND in your words towards yourself. Many times I will watch movies that are encouraging, I will fill my house with flowers, I will watch short youtube videos that make me laugh, I will ask my close friends to tell me why they love me and why I matter etc. Fill yourself up with love from every direction possible, so that healing can take place. You don’t want the “wound” to close up with any kind of infection in it, right? Negative self-talk, self-judgment, anger, resentment, or any of those feelings would be considered “infection” so you want to deal with those immediately. You don’t want to carry any of that into your next situation.
does this make sense?
Heidi
I think they way he is with me, is very different from how he has been in past, he’s said he didn’t care what he did or who he hurt, but with me, he comes after me, it’s like he is determined to make it work. This makes you feel quite special doesn’t it? It’s quite the hook for most women…to be chosen or fought for by the perpetual bachelor….to be “the woman” that changed him. If you think about it, most romance movies have this kind of storyline….strong, confident woman catches the attention of the emotionally unavailable bachelor and they struggle through falling “in love” and then at the end, they are happy and committed. It’s a beautiful story that taps into the core of what a woman wants to feel. Unfortunately, it plays into most women’s fantasies that this is even possible.
Have you ever heard of the book “The Game?” It’s quite a powerful guide for men in learning the subtle art of picking up women. There are “societies” built around this book. It’s really fascinating! I only mention this because once again, it’s a methodology that plays with the power of a woman’s primal, instinctual NEED to be chosen and fought for by a man.
With all of this being said Lili, regardless of how he treats you differently, or how bad he wants to try and make this work with you, it DOES NOT change that he has 40ish years of “not caring” who he hurt. He has 40ish years of thinking about women in a particular way, holding onto all the hurts, creating experiences that support his beliefs about women and living in a way where he uses women. People say they want love all the time, but putting it into action is a COMPLETELY different process.
If you have someone who has been overweight their whole life and they are telling you, I’m finally ready to try and release this weight and get healthy, do you really think it’s going to be a smooth process? Heck no! They then have to face all their fears, their wounds, their harmful habits in order to make any kind of sustainable change. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of work to shift beliefs and limiting patterns you have lived with your whole life.
My point being, you may inspire something new and profound in him, but my guess is, that’s about as far as it will ever get. He is pretty messed up and needs a lot of help in order for him to ever become emotionally available for an authentic, clear and vulnerable love. The longer you stay with him, you will realize that you are going to run into one wall after another and you really won’t get anywhere. But hey…that’s okay too! This is your journey to take and there are things for you to learn about yourself, no matter the path you take, right?
Heidi
I’m so glad you feel closure. That’s really important. You did a really good thing just allowing your voice to be heard, without needing anything in return from him. He definitely brought up a lot of insecurities and I love that you found your way back to the truth….you are worth loving and fighting for. You are absolutely correct in that a guy needs to be CLEAR he wants to be with you and nothing less is acceptable!
Now you get to pull your energy back to yourself and spend some time healing. You are stronger having gone through this now. What kinds of things are you planning on doing to help yourself recover?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
It’s a very complicated situation you are stepping into. I am still unclear though…are you guys ever going to be living in the same area? Are there plans for you to somehow move closer to him or vice versa?
There still is sooooooo much to learn about him. You say you are “in love” yet, if I remember correctly, you guys haven’t spent more than 2 weeks together in person. I just want to encourage you to slow down a bit before giving your heart to a guy you don’t know very well.
You know, between the lines, he comments positively about strippers, escorts and I assume prostitutes. He has mentioned there has been such instances and that he has been forced because of his working hours, its hard to keep up with a normal relationship and he can’t meet “good women” like me, because of that. Remember…HE is the one who has designed his life this way. There is a reason he works so long and then uses his long work hours as the reason he “can’t” meet any good women – therefore prostitutes, escorts etc. are part of his life. The REAL truth is, he is not emotionally set up to have a deep, intimate relationship with a woman. If that is something he truly wanted, he would design his life differently. We ALL set up our lives according to what we are comfortable with – both consciously and subconsciously. Women constantly leave him because he sets it up that way. His life is a reflection of his beliefs, programs, wounds etc. So it’s important that as you move forward with this guy, having any expectation that he will change, that he all of a sudden is able to “fall in love” with you because you were the “right” woman for him or any thoughts of that nature…it’s all an illusion. What is true is this guy has a lot of baggage and even if you were “the one” he chooses to give his heart to for the first time, it doesn’t change the challenges that will always be there with a guy like this.
When do you get to see him?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This is great! I’m glad you can let go of the definition for right now. Remember, titles or definitions or anything of that nature DO NOT fix anything. It’s just a box. You want to focus ALL of your attention on how you guys are interacting and developing a stronger connection. That means so much more than any title you might get from him. You guys are rebuilding right now, so keep working on building a stronger connection and that’s it. You both have some new learning to do with each other. One step at a time.
Where are you guys going??? I’m excited for this little trip! Things are definitely heading in the direction of healing.
Heidi
Your tears show how much you care about him. I understand you wanting something from him that he has not yet been able to offer. He obviously has an incredible amount of respect for you. And it sounds like he may want to experience something deeper and more serious – and he wants to do that with you – to a certain extent. Regardless of what he thinks he wants, he still has some huge fears to face about intimacy and deeper, committed relationships. You will only get so far with this guy, but you have known this since the beginning.
I was thinking basically just saying, I dont think he wants to be with me or offer me what I want, and if he does, he is welcome to show it.. good idea I hope? How about just visiting with him and not heading into relationship talk? You guys still live far apart, yes? You don’t even know what the future hold for you, correct? I mean, you don’t even know if and when you guys will be able to live in the same area…correct? So what if you just had fun with him. What if you guys only focused on laughing, playing, bonding and staying present in the moment and not worry about what happens tomorrow. One step at a time. Keep learning about him. Find out more about him. The truth is, you guys barely know each other….so just spend this time gathering more info about each other without having an agenda.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand your need for clarity. It’s your brain’s way of wanting to understand all the little details to make sense of this confusing puzzle.
How about letting all of that go? How about releasing your need to understand everything and trying to make sense of everything and just simply rest in what you DO know. What you DO know is this isn’t working for you. It’s not working for him either. Is it possible to just leave it at that and let your mind rest? Most of the time, trying to understand all the mixed messages and everything that happened can really hinder the healing process. When there is just full and complete acceptance for what is, peace can help settle the heart.
Would you be willing to just let it all go? All you have to do is accept that it didn’t work and there is nothing more to figure out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This is soooooo great! I’m glad to hear that you guys are consistently connecting again. You are doing such a great job by not bringing up the relationship and the “status.” I agree with you…let him bring it up when he is ready. It will feel good for him to bring it up on his own without you pressuring him. It allows him to take the lead and that is really important.
Let’s talk about you though. You are doing a wonderful job at being patient. The part of you that is wanting to push to have the conversation, what’s that about? Is there really a need to rush? Is it really important to have a definition of you guys? What does it feel like for you to just take a step back and let things just be what they are?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
It sounds like there are some new developments. You booked your trip and you are doing it alone except for a few days where he wants to join you, yes? Has it all been arranged? Are you officially going to be seeing him soon? How are you feeling about it?
so it’s more harmful to a relationship than they might like to admit? I know it hurts my feelings. It really depends on the situation. I’m sure it hurts your feelings because you are not feeling very secure in the relationship with him, so social media pictures are more of just a symptom of a deeper challenge you are facing with him. You are wanting something much deeper with him that he is not really able to offer you, which means a lot of his behaviors are going to be hurtful for you.
It sounds like he has high regard for you, being that he told his daughter about you and how amazing you are in your profession. That must have made you feel really good!
What exactly are your tears about Lili? I imagine you are mostly feeling really confused. What are you wanting for yourself? What are you wanting from him?
Heidi
There really is a lot happening for you again. I can’t believe it’s time for you to already start packing and planning your trip. Change is at your doorstep again. I love the passage “be still and know that I am God.” It brings a lot of comfort, doesn’t it? It’s a good reminder and something to hold in the forefront of your mind as you begin a new phase of your life.
I’m not familiar at all with all the citizenship stuff and the differences between everything. Being that you cannot become a citizen of Canada, does it limit you from doing anything? It sounds like people have figured out ways to get what they need. I imagine you can do the same, yes? Currently, are you a U.S. citizen?
I’m glad you finally figured out who Sterling was. Maybe you should go work for them…lol. They seem to have some good guys that catch your attention! That’s great that Dean is still keeping in touch. Your whole life is kind of up in the air right now isn’t it?
Heidi
Hi Nuzhat,
I haven’t gone he shuts me out. In his words it may be too late already. Which I feel is so unreasonable. This seems to be the place that you guys keep getting stuck. I know you have a beautiful and amazing connection, but it’s impossible to grow if one person is not willing to be fluid and flexible. You are right. It is unreasonable. He has put some impossible standards on you. I wonder if it’s more of an excuse to hide what is really happening for him. You keep saying you think something is going on with him. What makes you think that way? I know he doesn’t talk about his problems, but has he said anything that would make you think there is something happening for him that he is not sharing with you?
Heidi
Hi Krisann,
I know it can get confusing when a guy is connective and then when things start to get real, they disappear. Are you sure he is single? Did you guys ever talk in person or was it all through social media? Was it just a few short exchanges or did you guys actually have more lengthy conversations? My guess is, he may not really be available to meet up. How long has it been since you guys connected?
Heidi
Hi Q!
Welcome to the forum. I love that you are reaching out and asking for ideas and guidance. It shows you really care about your relationship and that you truly want to make things work.
Do you have more detail you can share? How are you guys different? I understand your schedules are a big barrier. But let’s first see where the real struggles are. How long have you been together? How old are you guys? Do you guys tend to have arguments about the same exact things?
The more detail you share, the easier it is for us to offer some ideas!
Heidi
Hi Connie,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I completely understand how you are feeling. To open yourself up like that and then not be sure what the next steps are or if you guys are on the same page moving forward, can absolutely provoke anxiety.
Am I understanding correctly that he lives a few hours away? It would have been okay for you to ask to talk to him about your truck like saying something like, “Can you call me tonight so I can ask you a few questions about it and get your advice?” Did you have anything wrong with your truck though?
I know it’s been 5 days. Give it a little more time. I know you both agreed to “take a step back” but that is not how you really feel, correct? Is there a funny video you could send him or a joke or something like “I saw this and thought you might appreciate it…” HOw does approaching it this way feel for you? You want to make sure you get a good conversation going again and let him feel how much he enjoys talking with you. You guys did move quite fast, so there is a bit of reverse engineering that needs to happen here. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Spotify is free with commercials. If you want commercial free, it becomes a paid subscription.
I can’t believe the time is coming up so close now for you to transition again. I know how scary it can be when there are no specific plans. With the job that Randy is mentioning, will it allow you to work from home? You are doing such a great job keeping your focus on what strengthens you. It’s how you build character. I’m excited to learn what will unfold for you!!!
Heidi
