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I get it…feeling numb is a protective response. I get that too. I know that when I reach the “numb” state, my emotional system is protecting me against something pretty big. So it’s important to Greece the wheels a bit. For now, just journal. Journal all your thoughts, your frustrations, even writing “I am numb and don’t feel anything and this is so stupid….” Write it all down. Keep telling yourself “It’s okay to feel. It’s safe to feel” and keep comforting yourself by saying things like “I know it really hurt that he didn’t fight for you. I love you and we are going to get through this.” Even if you don’t feel anything, say it anyways…your subconscious is blocking you from feeling, so you need to give yourself permission to have access to all of those feelings. Still get flowers for yourself, still make your favorite meal or bake some cookies, still have a bath for yourself. Just because you don’t “know” what you want, doesn’t mean you still don’t love yourself like crazy. The fact that you are numb IS the biggest indicator of how hurt you feel.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh yayayaya! I am seriously sooooo excited for you!!! After watching these, please let me know your thoughts!!! This is such a powerful and important conversation that Spyce and I would love to be a part of. Ask us questions, share your thoughts, what you learn, where you are struggling….we are here for you!!!!
heidi
Hi Cyndi,
We are so glad you are here. It is extremely tough what you are going through and I can see why you are also confused. You guys are not behaving like a divorced couple. It’s so terribly difficult to watch your marriage slip through your fingers and feel powerless to do anything about it.
It doesn’t sound like he is willing to forgive whatever has happened. First, I’d encourage you to take responsibility only for your contributions and NOT for his level of happiness. I do not know what happened between you guys, but for him to blame you for being unhappy is him playing the victim. It is not YOUR job to make sure he is happy. It’s his job. It sounds like he is more invested in being unhappy than he is to release and forgive. I imagine this is a pattern in his life. In the past, have you found that he tends to hold onto things? Does he forgive easily or does he use his grievances to guard his heart? If he is someone who tends to hold hurt really close and use it as a wall to block people, I’m afraid that it doesn’t matter what you do. A person ultimately has to choose…do they want to be in a relationship with the hurt or do they want to connect? That choice has NOTHING to do with you. It’s a very individual choice that speaks volumes about the kind of person they are. Truth is, we ALL hurt each other. That’s why, in order for a relationship to work, BOTH people need to be more invested in growth and healing than holding onto hurt and blaming. As long as he chooses to blame and hold you responsible for his unhappiness, then he is no good as a partner. As long as you play into that story that it’s your fault, then you are no good as a partner for him. As long as you are willing to grow and get help and he isn’t, then there’s nowhere to go except to move forward and grow yourself.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lili!
It is not arrogant at all that you mention men after you. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! You sound like an incredible woman and it sounds like several men are able to see that about you…and that’s beautiful!
He’s the one that is the hardest and least likely.. so there’s within me, hesitance one could assume to engage in a serious relationship myself… why else would I choose this man. Or did I simply fall in love. To be honest, it was just magical, I can’t explain it but also, impossible at the same time and I knew it! I understand the “magical” aspect of it. When a connection like that occurs, it could be coming from several different places. It’s soooooo darn powerful though and can feel like “love.” Maybe you guys have had other lives together (if you believe in something like that). Maybe there is something familiar in his energy that you really respond to. Regardless, those strong “magical” feelings are just that. Magical. None of those feelings matter nor support a relationship or support love without evidence that both people can do a healthy relationship together. If love and those magical feelings were enough, we would not be at a 50% divorce rate, right? Relationships require skill, growth, learning, facing fears, dealing with limiting beliefs, working on intimacy, working on communication and the list goes on. Magical feelings are FAR from enough to make anything work. With his patterns in life and who he has chosen to be up to this point, does indicate he is not really willing to change…at least on a deeper level. People can cut out substances and make behavior changes, but that’s the tip of the iceberg of what really needs to be addressed. If he were truly serious about shifting and changing his life, he would need to address those deeper, core issues that caused him to create his life the way he has. That requires working with an expert. Anything less than that, he could make some changes, but not enough to really be impactful in the love department.
Does this make sense??? Are you understanding a little more about what you are dealing with?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I LOVE that you are reaching out asking about this! It is such a wonderful topic to discuss and has sooooo many layers to it. While you do have an amazing and beautiful love with your husband, adding passion to the mix can make it that much more powerful and bonding.
It sounds like you are really ready for something more…a deepening. It begins with your relationship with yourself…your own sexuality, your own feelings about yourself, your body and your value. There is an INCREDIBLE documentary on this very subject that I felt was beautifully done. It’s on Netflix and it’s called the Strip Down, Rise up. Here is the trailer: https://www.bing.com/search?q=strip+down+rise+up&cvid=b7720e2942c54db89f28e22565d74623&FORM=EX0023&PC=U531&shtp=GetUrl&shid=5c5b88d4-f7af-463e-aa45-b70cbba39b2d&shtk=IlN0cmlwIERvd24sIFJpc2UgVXAiIHwgT2ZmaWNpYWwgVHJhaWxlciB8IE5ldGZsaXg%3D&shdk=QSBkaXZlcnNlIGdyb3VwIG9mIHdvbWVuIGhlYWwgdGhlaXIgdHJhdW1hIGFuZCBib2R5IGltYWdlIGlzc3VlcyB0aHJvdWdoIHNlbnN1YWwgbW92ZW1lbnQgYW5kIHRoZSBhcnQgb2YgcG9sZSBkYW5jaW5nLiBTVUJTQ1JJQkU6IGh0dHA6Ly9iaXQubHkvMjlxQlV0NyBBYm91dCBOZXRmbGl4OiBOZXRmbGl4IGlzIHRoZSB3b3JsZCdzIGxlYWRpbmcgc3RyZWFtaW5nIGVudGVydGFpbm1lbnQgc2VydmljZSB3aXRoIG92ZXIgMTk1IG1pbGxpb24gcGFpZCBtZW1iZXJzaGlwcyBpbiBvdmVyIDE5MCBjb3VudHJpZXMgZW5qb3lpbmcgVFYgc2VyaWVzLCBkb2N1bWVudGFyaWVzIGFuZCBmZWF0dXJlIGZpbG1zIC4uLg%3D%3D&shhk=vvFV85RgOUZeAThfGVl78AkP8MRLpjuf3MIGWb8IdXs%3D&shth=OSH.YetLhSz4r9nNBVB8OvhX4A
Also, this was an incredibly powerful documentary that helped soooo many women: https://bodyimagemovement.com/embrace/embracethedocumentary/
Passion comes from within. When is the last time you felt sexy? When is the last time you felt beautiful? When is the last time you wore something or did something that tapped into your beautifully powerful feminine goddess energy??
This is where flirting is sourced from. This is the source of passion, so if this is an energy you want to ignite in your marriage, you must ignite it within you first. You must get to know this energy in your physical, spiritual and emotional body. THEN….because you will feel different inside, it will leak out of your pours and can ignite feelings within your husband. It’s a journey, but one worth taking!!! It’s an adventure and full of all kinds of layers of programs, stories and beliefs we carry about ourselves as individuals and as women.
How does me saying all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
It feels good to have those pet names, doesn’t it? I understand why you would use that as a gauge to see where he is at with you emotionally. There really is no “normal.” It’s just who he is. Give him time. I have no doubt that as you guys keep spending time together and as he learns you again and starts to feel safe with you again, those pet names will return. It’s just going to take some time to heal. Remember, he is looking for “action.” He wants to FEEL like things are different with you, not through words, but through actions. It sounds like all the changes you have made are working and he is feeling more open to connecting with you a little deeper….one step at a time. He sounds like the kind of guy that doesn’t just throw words around and that he needs to mean what he says. So whenever he is ready to really align with calling you babe and telling you he loves you, he will do so….and not a minute sooner. Isn’t that great though? You can know he really means what he says, right? You’ll get there!
Hiking is so great! Getting out into nature is a wonderful way to spend some time together!
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Recovery is different for everyone, but what you want to keep in mind is that you just went through something really tough. Imagine you got a really BIG cut. You finally got to the doctor and you got your antibiotics and stitches and now it’s just going to take some tender love and care for healing to take place. You had a really big cut in your emotional body. Now there is closure and an ending and now is the time to really nurture yourself into healing. Make sure you are filling your day with things that make you smile and laugh or things that comfort you. Be VERY KIND in your words towards yourself. Many times I will watch movies that are encouraging, I will fill my house with flowers, I will watch short youtube videos that make me laugh, I will ask my close friends to tell me why they love me and why I matter etc. Fill yourself up with love from every direction possible, so that healing can take place. You don’t want the “wound” to close up with any kind of infection in it, right? Negative self-talk, self-judgment, anger, resentment, or any of those feelings would be considered “infection” so you want to deal with those immediately. You don’t want to carry any of that into your next situation.
does this make sense?
Heidi
I think they way he is with me, is very different from how he has been in past, he’s said he didn’t care what he did or who he hurt, but with me, he comes after me, it’s like he is determined to make it work. This makes you feel quite special doesn’t it? It’s quite the hook for most women…to be chosen or fought for by the perpetual bachelor….to be “the woman” that changed him. If you think about it, most romance movies have this kind of storyline….strong, confident woman catches the attention of the emotionally unavailable bachelor and they struggle through falling “in love” and then at the end, they are happy and committed. It’s a beautiful story that taps into the core of what a woman wants to feel. Unfortunately, it plays into most women’s fantasies that this is even possible.
Have you ever heard of the book “The Game?” It’s quite a powerful guide for men in learning the subtle art of picking up women. There are “societies” built around this book. It’s really fascinating! I only mention this because once again, it’s a methodology that plays with the power of a woman’s primal, instinctual NEED to be chosen and fought for by a man.
With all of this being said Lili, regardless of how he treats you differently, or how bad he wants to try and make this work with you, it DOES NOT change that he has 40ish years of “not caring” who he hurt. He has 40ish years of thinking about women in a particular way, holding onto all the hurts, creating experiences that support his beliefs about women and living in a way where he uses women. People say they want love all the time, but putting it into action is a COMPLETELY different process.
If you have someone who has been overweight their whole life and they are telling you, I’m finally ready to try and release this weight and get healthy, do you really think it’s going to be a smooth process? Heck no! They then have to face all their fears, their wounds, their harmful habits in order to make any kind of sustainable change. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of work to shift beliefs and limiting patterns you have lived with your whole life.
My point being, you may inspire something new and profound in him, but my guess is, that’s about as far as it will ever get. He is pretty messed up and needs a lot of help in order for him to ever become emotionally available for an authentic, clear and vulnerable love. The longer you stay with him, you will realize that you are going to run into one wall after another and you really won’t get anywhere. But hey…that’s okay too! This is your journey to take and there are things for you to learn about yourself, no matter the path you take, right?
Heidi
I’m so glad you feel closure. That’s really important. You did a really good thing just allowing your voice to be heard, without needing anything in return from him. He definitely brought up a lot of insecurities and I love that you found your way back to the truth….you are worth loving and fighting for. You are absolutely correct in that a guy needs to be CLEAR he wants to be with you and nothing less is acceptable!
Now you get to pull your energy back to yourself and spend some time healing. You are stronger having gone through this now. What kinds of things are you planning on doing to help yourself recover?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
It’s a very complicated situation you are stepping into. I am still unclear though…are you guys ever going to be living in the same area? Are there plans for you to somehow move closer to him or vice versa?
There still is sooooooo much to learn about him. You say you are “in love” yet, if I remember correctly, you guys haven’t spent more than 2 weeks together in person. I just want to encourage you to slow down a bit before giving your heart to a guy you don’t know very well.
You know, between the lines, he comments positively about strippers, escorts and I assume prostitutes. He has mentioned there has been such instances and that he has been forced because of his working hours, its hard to keep up with a normal relationship and he can’t meet “good women” like me, because of that. Remember…HE is the one who has designed his life this way. There is a reason he works so long and then uses his long work hours as the reason he “can’t” meet any good women – therefore prostitutes, escorts etc. are part of his life. The REAL truth is, he is not emotionally set up to have a deep, intimate relationship with a woman. If that is something he truly wanted, he would design his life differently. We ALL set up our lives according to what we are comfortable with – both consciously and subconsciously. Women constantly leave him because he sets it up that way. His life is a reflection of his beliefs, programs, wounds etc. So it’s important that as you move forward with this guy, having any expectation that he will change, that he all of a sudden is able to “fall in love” with you because you were the “right” woman for him or any thoughts of that nature…it’s all an illusion. What is true is this guy has a lot of baggage and even if you were “the one” he chooses to give his heart to for the first time, it doesn’t change the challenges that will always be there with a guy like this.
When do you get to see him?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This is great! I’m glad you can let go of the definition for right now. Remember, titles or definitions or anything of that nature DO NOT fix anything. It’s just a box. You want to focus ALL of your attention on how you guys are interacting and developing a stronger connection. That means so much more than any title you might get from him. You guys are rebuilding right now, so keep working on building a stronger connection and that’s it. You both have some new learning to do with each other. One step at a time.
Where are you guys going??? I’m excited for this little trip! Things are definitely heading in the direction of healing.
Heidi
Your tears show how much you care about him. I understand you wanting something from him that he has not yet been able to offer. He obviously has an incredible amount of respect for you. And it sounds like he may want to experience something deeper and more serious – and he wants to do that with you – to a certain extent. Regardless of what he thinks he wants, he still has some huge fears to face about intimacy and deeper, committed relationships. You will only get so far with this guy, but you have known this since the beginning.
I was thinking basically just saying, I dont think he wants to be with me or offer me what I want, and if he does, he is welcome to show it.. good idea I hope? How about just visiting with him and not heading into relationship talk? You guys still live far apart, yes? You don’t even know what the future hold for you, correct? I mean, you don’t even know if and when you guys will be able to live in the same area…correct? So what if you just had fun with him. What if you guys only focused on laughing, playing, bonding and staying present in the moment and not worry about what happens tomorrow. One step at a time. Keep learning about him. Find out more about him. The truth is, you guys barely know each other….so just spend this time gathering more info about each other without having an agenda.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand your need for clarity. It’s your brain’s way of wanting to understand all the little details to make sense of this confusing puzzle.
How about letting all of that go? How about releasing your need to understand everything and trying to make sense of everything and just simply rest in what you DO know. What you DO know is this isn’t working for you. It’s not working for him either. Is it possible to just leave it at that and let your mind rest? Most of the time, trying to understand all the mixed messages and everything that happened can really hinder the healing process. When there is just full and complete acceptance for what is, peace can help settle the heart.
Would you be willing to just let it all go? All you have to do is accept that it didn’t work and there is nothing more to figure out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This is soooooo great! I’m glad to hear that you guys are consistently connecting again. You are doing such a great job by not bringing up the relationship and the “status.” I agree with you…let him bring it up when he is ready. It will feel good for him to bring it up on his own without you pressuring him. It allows him to take the lead and that is really important.
Let’s talk about you though. You are doing a wonderful job at being patient. The part of you that is wanting to push to have the conversation, what’s that about? Is there really a need to rush? Is it really important to have a definition of you guys? What does it feel like for you to just take a step back and let things just be what they are?
Heidi
Hi Lili,
It sounds like there are some new developments. You booked your trip and you are doing it alone except for a few days where he wants to join you, yes? Has it all been arranged? Are you officially going to be seeing him soon? How are you feeling about it?
so it’s more harmful to a relationship than they might like to admit? I know it hurts my feelings. It really depends on the situation. I’m sure it hurts your feelings because you are not feeling very secure in the relationship with him, so social media pictures are more of just a symptom of a deeper challenge you are facing with him. You are wanting something much deeper with him that he is not really able to offer you, which means a lot of his behaviors are going to be hurtful for you.
It sounds like he has high regard for you, being that he told his daughter about you and how amazing you are in your profession. That must have made you feel really good!
What exactly are your tears about Lili? I imagine you are mostly feeling really confused. What are you wanting for yourself? What are you wanting from him?
Heidi
