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Hi Wong,
It is so incredibly difficult to watch someone we care about, slip through our fingers, because of a fear they have that they are not willing to face. Fear is so darn powerful. I have watched fear control people’s lives and ruin everything they have ever wanted. It’s sad really.
I agree with Spyce in that it sounds like he is truly afraid and it sounds like he would rather let that fear determine what he is going to do instead of face it and create new possibilities. Who knows what triggered it and what his true thoughts are, but bottom line, what you DO know is that he is not willing to face it. You cannot make someone face something. Sometimes a person has to lose everything before they are willing to deal with their fears. The things that’s important for YOU to know is that he is a man you cannot count on. When his fear is big enough, he will allow himself to be consumed by it and he will run. He would rather ruin a great connection with you, he would rather ruin his happiness, he would uncreate a future with you…than to face this fear and really have some authentic conversations with you about it. He is showing you he is not willing to be a partner that stays and stick through things WITH you and work through things WITH you. He is showing you he would rather run. That’s sad for him, but good for you to know this about him. Even if things do end up working out, you now know who he chooses to be when the stress is high enough….just something to keep in mind.
Another approach you may take is to completely disconnect. He has ended things, but you guys are still talking, so he doesn’t actually feel the FULL consequence of his choice. Sometimes the real loss can trigger someone into wanting to fight for more. If you completely disconnect and honor his choice, then let him sit for a few weeks, letting him feel his life without you, he may realize he would rather have you than have his fear. Is that something you are willing to try?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
It’s hard. So many thoughts and feelings come up after disconnecting and I’m glad you are reaching out sharing with us what is happening for you.
Here is the TRUTH. Relationships that work require 2 people who find something that is worth exploring BEYOND OUR MESSINESS. That connection will transcend all of our mistakes….until it doesn’t. Sometimes we do make mistakes that break the connection. But you know what? Who’s to say that it would have stayed together anyway, right? There are no guarantees. Love and relationship are a risk. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the connection is stronger than our imperfections and sometimes it isn’t. With your guy, I think it just didn’t work. It’s not about you being or having done something different. It’s not about him having done things differently. I think it just didn’t work, because it’s just not meant to. Who knows what the reasons are. They actually don’t matter. All that matters is that you know it wasn’t working for you and it wasn’t working for him and that’s the end of the story.
Your mind keeps trying to gain control of the situation by trying to understand every little detail and make sense of everything that happened. Your feelings of wanting to try again are getting activated by the stories you are creating about this whole situation. Whenever those feelings come up, tell yourself “It’s over. It’s time to rest. It didn’t work and that’s okay. It’s okay to let go.” If all you do is keep allowing your brian to take you in a bunch of circles that lead you nowhere, you will just stay in suffering. Take control of your thoughts and tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself it’s over. Tell yourself there is a new story to create, this one is over. Tell yourself it’s okay to let go and heal. Tell yourself you love yourself more than you love him and that’s it’s over and it’s okay. You will heal.
Don’t let yourself go back down the rabbit hole of torturing yourself with every little thing that happened. Release it and let it just be okay that it didn’t work out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I understand it’s exhausting. Part of why you are tired is because your emotional system has been in limbo for so long, trying to decide what to do about the feelings you do have. What can help is giving your system some closure. Whenever you think about him, you also tell yourself over and over again “It’s over. This is done. I love myself more than I love him. My choice to is to truly honor me and my needs etc.” It allows you to rest in resolution. As long as you maintain hope (which is built on a fantasy story you carry about him) you will never rest and your energy will keep spinning and spinning. Grieve and cry and keep releasing AND create closure for yourself. This is how you will start to feel movement towards healing instead of staying in suffering and confusion. YOU have that control.
Heidi
I know PLENTY of people who have been to therapy but never really resolve their deep, core issues. Many times, people will actually find a therapist who will support them in their way of living. A therapist can absolutely play the role of “educating” their client about what is happening, but in reality, the client has to be willing to do the deeper work. He may have an educated perspective about who he is, but that means nothing really. It just means he knows what his issues are…doesn’t change a darn thing though. He still is who he is. Just like you…you say you have abandonment issues and you know this about yourself, but it doesn’t change that you are chasing after a guy who is emotionally unavailable and will absolutely abandon you…maybe not in the traditional way, but he is not emotionally available to begin with, so he already is abandoning you – and it will just continue to get worse, the longer this goes on – because he is not emotionally set up to be intimate in the way you truly desire.
At least as I said before, his most successful venture was with someone like me, thats why I’ve been open to working with him, and in that way also, I wouldn’t loose him, having abandonment issues myself.. This is a fantasy. Again…there is nothing to lose with him, because you don’t really have him in the first place. Whatever behavior he is displaying right now about being soft and connective and on his best behavior, will not last. The more you require from him, eventually you will hit his wall and his capacity for change and being vulnerable with you. You can work with him all you want, but then he just becomes this neverending “project” for you. Do you really want to spend all your time dealing with HIS issues? Trying to get him to open up? Trying to keep his attention? Trying to get him to communicate honestly with you? Trying to get him to keep his eyes only on you??? If that’s how you want to spend your time and if that is the type of relationship you want, then go for it! Then you have to look at yourself asking “Why am I CHOOSING this project? Why am I CHOOSING to be in relationship with a man who cannot offer me what I want? Why am I CHOOSING to chase after this man’s attention?” These would be YOUR issues, yes? This is more of what is called trauma love or trauma bonding. It feels EXACTLY like love and is so confusing for most people. Many times, our unresolved feelings from our past, are what drives our attraction to a certain kind of person. It FEELS like love and connection, but in the end, it’s just our woundedness. I’ve experienced this personally soooooo many times and watched it in others as well. I have been highly attracted to men, dated, got into relationship KNOWING the mess I was stepping into….but the “attraction” was strong, so I thought there must be SOMETHING to this. Because I work VERY deep with my emotional system, I quickly start to work on myself (with help) and get at the core issue that is being activated with the guy. Once I deal with that core issue, my attraction towards the guy completely vanishes. Poof! Gone! It really is fascinating actually. Many times I was attracted to a guy more from my wounds than from a pure, clear, authentic place that is sustainable. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but the one thing I would suggest for you to ponder is this…If you didn’t have abandonment issues and you fully and completely LOVED yourself through and through, do you really think you give this guy the time of day? I doubt it. You wanting to chase after a guy who cannot offer you the kind of love you deserve, is the low self-esteem part of you that is in the driver’s seat. Only low self-esteem goes after what it can’t have. Don’t get me wrong…I know you have a lot of high self esteem as well. We ALL have both and it’s important we understand what part of us is functioning when designing our lives.
Do you really think the high self esteem part of you would chase after a man who has addiction issues, is a playboy, is not emotionally available and doesn’t deeply respect and value women?
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Karen,
I’m sooooo sorry for what you are going through!!! It’s crazy making, right? I understand that it doesn’t make sense.
My guess is, he is EXTREMELY sensitive and emotionally fragile. My guess is, he feels very deeply when he does feel. My guess is, because of his level of sensitivity, his heart has been crushed many times.
For him to go from one extreme to the other is a HUGE red flag. His response is quite telling of how much he can really become enmeshed with someone. Because he may be that kind of person who feels deeply, it’s would be very easy for him to really get intertwined with his partner. So the moment his partner does not respondin a loving or caring or connective way (from his perspective), he gets crushed. He ends up feeling really hurt by it and then pulls his energy away. This type of patterning is indicative of someone who is pretty emotionally underdeveloped. My guess is, he doesn’t know who he is separate than his partner. If he did, your response about the headache (which is a completely normal response) wouldn’t crush him into pieces. I say it crushed him because he is now turning on you and making you pay the price for your “rudeness” or “lack of connection” by pulling his energy back….kind of like a 2 year old throwing a bit of a tantrum because he didn’t get what he needed. This level of response over something so insignificant just means you are in for some serious work with this guy! He for sure would be a high maintenance level of relationship. He would take so many things that are seemingly neutral and insignificant and turn them into “something.”
Honestly, I would be running the other direction from this guy.
I know it’s been a bit since you wrote this post. Has anything new happened?
Thoughts?Heidi
Hi Angela,
It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult and layered situation. I’m wondering if he is dealing with a level of sex addiction. I understand you may have just stumbled across his online adventures only in the past year, but my guess is, he has been doing this his whole life.
I understand the confusion as he is saying one thing and then doing another. Whenever that happens, you are dealing with a person who has 2 VERY strong sides to themselves, but are not aligned. One part of him truly values and cherishes you and another part is NEEDING sex elsewhere. Usually when someone seeks it online or tries to set up a bunch of 1 night stands, there is something in that particular design that activates their desire. His lack of passion and desire with you has nothing to do with you and more to do with his sexual mindset. I don’t know what has happened over the past year that caused him to shift with you sexually, but regardless…you have a guy who is not willing to stay monogamous…which sounds like is what you need. So you have a choice to make. Your relationship is not healthy. I understand he means a lot to you in many ways, so you either can accept him for who he wants to be and stop spying on him and maybe find a way to be at peace about it….or you leave. I know it’s not easy and I know it sounds like a simple choice, but it’s a choice that is so incredibly difficult to make. You either choose to stay connected to him and betray yourself and your feelings, or you choose to honor your needs and desires and disconnect from him. Either path is painful and there is no way around that. He is not going to change, so that is not an option. The more you try to control him or set boundaries with him, the more he will just hide what he is doing.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You are so right! Everything happens right when it is supposed to happen. It takes great faith to rest in that though, doesn’t it?
So are you a U.S. citizen?
Heidi
Wow….that is really disappointing. I wonder what is happening for him. What I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with you. Even though you guys got intimate super fast, that truly may be all he was up for. I know this may sound weird, but many times, when someone feels “too” happy or “too” connected, it scares the crap out of them and they run the other way. I don’t know what is going on for him and how everything happened it’s so darn confusing. I totally get your need to understand. Sometimes we just don’t get to have that understanding. You may not understand the “why,” but what you DO know is that he is not someone who is truly able to value you, appreciate you and honor who you are. You guys bonded and then he bailed, so now is the time for you to love yourself like crazy and let this guy go. He is not showing up as someone you want to have in your life…and that is not your fault. So turn your attention towards yourself and reconnect to the powerful, beautiful, woman that you are. You deserve to be sought after, you deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to feel valued and cared about. He cannot provide these things, so you now need to do that for yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh geez! I am sooooo sorry for this! It’s so awful to be so connected and feel like you are on the same page and then…poof! They are gone. It’s even more confusing after he specifically denied ghosting and that there would be no reason for that. And here he is ghosting you. It truly is awful!!!! I’m curious, you said you sent him an email. What did you say? How have you left it with him?
I suggest that at this point, you let this go. You have put in more than enough effort and made yourself available. If he is not responding, then he is not worth your time or efforts anymore. Whatever happened for him, it doesn’t matter. He obviously does not have much integrity in his word, so it doesn’t even matter what he would say at this point. His actions and his words are not in alignment and that is a HUGE red flag. He stated there was no reason for it so why would I think that??? His response seems a bit fishy to me. He basically questioned your thought process which has a flavor of gaslighting to it, when in reality, ANYBODY would have had the same thought process as you.
We obviously don’t know why he ghosted and why he said he wouldn’t do that to you, but at this point, “why” doesn’t matter. The fact that he did it in the first place is enough information for you to know this guy has some “things” going on that make him not a good person to date right now. Are you able to let this go? Are you able to just chalk it up to him being “messy” and not a good fit for what you need and just leave it at that?
Heidi
I get it…feeling numb is a protective response. I get that too. I know that when I reach the “numb” state, my emotional system is protecting me against something pretty big. So it’s important to Greece the wheels a bit. For now, just journal. Journal all your thoughts, your frustrations, even writing “I am numb and don’t feel anything and this is so stupid….” Write it all down. Keep telling yourself “It’s okay to feel. It’s safe to feel” and keep comforting yourself by saying things like “I know it really hurt that he didn’t fight for you. I love you and we are going to get through this.” Even if you don’t feel anything, say it anyways…your subconscious is blocking you from feeling, so you need to give yourself permission to have access to all of those feelings. Still get flowers for yourself, still make your favorite meal or bake some cookies, still have a bath for yourself. Just because you don’t “know” what you want, doesn’t mean you still don’t love yourself like crazy. The fact that you are numb IS the biggest indicator of how hurt you feel.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh yayayaya! I am seriously sooooo excited for you!!! After watching these, please let me know your thoughts!!! This is such a powerful and important conversation that Spyce and I would love to be a part of. Ask us questions, share your thoughts, what you learn, where you are struggling….we are here for you!!!!
heidi
Hi Cyndi,
We are so glad you are here. It is extremely tough what you are going through and I can see why you are also confused. You guys are not behaving like a divorced couple. It’s so terribly difficult to watch your marriage slip through your fingers and feel powerless to do anything about it.
It doesn’t sound like he is willing to forgive whatever has happened. First, I’d encourage you to take responsibility only for your contributions and NOT for his level of happiness. I do not know what happened between you guys, but for him to blame you for being unhappy is him playing the victim. It is not YOUR job to make sure he is happy. It’s his job. It sounds like he is more invested in being unhappy than he is to release and forgive. I imagine this is a pattern in his life. In the past, have you found that he tends to hold onto things? Does he forgive easily or does he use his grievances to guard his heart? If he is someone who tends to hold hurt really close and use it as a wall to block people, I’m afraid that it doesn’t matter what you do. A person ultimately has to choose…do they want to be in a relationship with the hurt or do they want to connect? That choice has NOTHING to do with you. It’s a very individual choice that speaks volumes about the kind of person they are. Truth is, we ALL hurt each other. That’s why, in order for a relationship to work, BOTH people need to be more invested in growth and healing than holding onto hurt and blaming. As long as he chooses to blame and hold you responsible for his unhappiness, then he is no good as a partner. As long as you play into that story that it’s your fault, then you are no good as a partner for him. As long as you are willing to grow and get help and he isn’t, then there’s nowhere to go except to move forward and grow yourself.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lili!
It is not arrogant at all that you mention men after you. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! You sound like an incredible woman and it sounds like several men are able to see that about you…and that’s beautiful!
He’s the one that is the hardest and least likely.. so there’s within me, hesitance one could assume to engage in a serious relationship myself… why else would I choose this man. Or did I simply fall in love. To be honest, it was just magical, I can’t explain it but also, impossible at the same time and I knew it! I understand the “magical” aspect of it. When a connection like that occurs, it could be coming from several different places. It’s soooooo darn powerful though and can feel like “love.” Maybe you guys have had other lives together (if you believe in something like that). Maybe there is something familiar in his energy that you really respond to. Regardless, those strong “magical” feelings are just that. Magical. None of those feelings matter nor support a relationship or support love without evidence that both people can do a healthy relationship together. If love and those magical feelings were enough, we would not be at a 50% divorce rate, right? Relationships require skill, growth, learning, facing fears, dealing with limiting beliefs, working on intimacy, working on communication and the list goes on. Magical feelings are FAR from enough to make anything work. With his patterns in life and who he has chosen to be up to this point, does indicate he is not really willing to change…at least on a deeper level. People can cut out substances and make behavior changes, but that’s the tip of the iceberg of what really needs to be addressed. If he were truly serious about shifting and changing his life, he would need to address those deeper, core issues that caused him to create his life the way he has. That requires working with an expert. Anything less than that, he could make some changes, but not enough to really be impactful in the love department.
Does this make sense??? Are you understanding a little more about what you are dealing with?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I LOVE that you are reaching out asking about this! It is such a wonderful topic to discuss and has sooooo many layers to it. While you do have an amazing and beautiful love with your husband, adding passion to the mix can make it that much more powerful and bonding.
It sounds like you are really ready for something more…a deepening. It begins with your relationship with yourself…your own sexuality, your own feelings about yourself, your body and your value. There is an INCREDIBLE documentary on this very subject that I felt was beautifully done. It’s on Netflix and it’s called the Strip Down, Rise up. Here is the trailer: https://www.bing.com/search?q=strip+down+rise+up&cvid=b7720e2942c54db89f28e22565d74623&FORM=EX0023&PC=U531&shtp=GetUrl&shid=5c5b88d4-f7af-463e-aa45-b70cbba39b2d&shtk=IlN0cmlwIERvd24sIFJpc2UgVXAiIHwgT2ZmaWNpYWwgVHJhaWxlciB8IE5ldGZsaXg%3D&shdk=QSBkaXZlcnNlIGdyb3VwIG9mIHdvbWVuIGhlYWwgdGhlaXIgdHJhdW1hIGFuZCBib2R5IGltYWdlIGlzc3VlcyB0aHJvdWdoIHNlbnN1YWwgbW92ZW1lbnQgYW5kIHRoZSBhcnQgb2YgcG9sZSBkYW5jaW5nLiBTVUJTQ1JJQkU6IGh0dHA6Ly9iaXQubHkvMjlxQlV0NyBBYm91dCBOZXRmbGl4OiBOZXRmbGl4IGlzIHRoZSB3b3JsZCdzIGxlYWRpbmcgc3RyZWFtaW5nIGVudGVydGFpbm1lbnQgc2VydmljZSB3aXRoIG92ZXIgMTk1IG1pbGxpb24gcGFpZCBtZW1iZXJzaGlwcyBpbiBvdmVyIDE5MCBjb3VudHJpZXMgZW5qb3lpbmcgVFYgc2VyaWVzLCBkb2N1bWVudGFyaWVzIGFuZCBmZWF0dXJlIGZpbG1zIC4uLg%3D%3D&shhk=vvFV85RgOUZeAThfGVl78AkP8MRLpjuf3MIGWb8IdXs%3D&shth=OSH.YetLhSz4r9nNBVB8OvhX4A
Also, this was an incredibly powerful documentary that helped soooo many women: https://bodyimagemovement.com/embrace/embracethedocumentary/
Passion comes from within. When is the last time you felt sexy? When is the last time you felt beautiful? When is the last time you wore something or did something that tapped into your beautifully powerful feminine goddess energy??
This is where flirting is sourced from. This is the source of passion, so if this is an energy you want to ignite in your marriage, you must ignite it within you first. You must get to know this energy in your physical, spiritual and emotional body. THEN….because you will feel different inside, it will leak out of your pours and can ignite feelings within your husband. It’s a journey, but one worth taking!!! It’s an adventure and full of all kinds of layers of programs, stories and beliefs we carry about ourselves as individuals and as women.
How does me saying all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
It feels good to have those pet names, doesn’t it? I understand why you would use that as a gauge to see where he is at with you emotionally. There really is no “normal.” It’s just who he is. Give him time. I have no doubt that as you guys keep spending time together and as he learns you again and starts to feel safe with you again, those pet names will return. It’s just going to take some time to heal. Remember, he is looking for “action.” He wants to FEEL like things are different with you, not through words, but through actions. It sounds like all the changes you have made are working and he is feeling more open to connecting with you a little deeper….one step at a time. He sounds like the kind of guy that doesn’t just throw words around and that he needs to mean what he says. So whenever he is ready to really align with calling you babe and telling you he loves you, he will do so….and not a minute sooner. Isn’t that great though? You can know he really means what he says, right? You’ll get there!
Hiking is so great! Getting out into nature is a wonderful way to spend some time together!
Heidi
