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Hi Heather,
Welcome! You are asking a great question. It’s understandable that you would feel like you can’t express your concerns for fear he may run.
How about you share how you express your concerns. Communication is quite a complicated artform, so maybe we can give you some tips about how to express your feelings that will help him feel more comfortable. That is…if you want to keep fighting for this. He sounds pretty fragile and that aspect won’t change. It sounds like he has a lot of fear. I don’t know what his marriage or childhood was like. Do you? Can you see why he may be so sensitive?
As far as your currently planned conversation, I’m not sure if you have done this yet, but the best approach may be really validating him, listening to his concerns and fears and validating him again and then making a plan that makes you both feel comfortable. You know he is dealing with some pretty HUGE fears right now. It helps when someone just validates, listens and understands. The formula I like to use is this:
1. Listen: stay quiet and really absorb what HIS reality is
2. Validate: let him know in various ways that you understand how he feels
3. Curiosity: ask more questions. Pretend you are a reporter and writing an article. You need DETAILED info. So ask a lot of questions about his feelings, so you can gain greater understanding
4. Rinse and repeat: going through steps 1-3 several times will help you both get onto the same page and have a really good conversation about what is happening for both of you.
5. Problem solve: once you feel like everything has been said and you both have good understanding, then you start to problem solve. You want ALL the cards out on the table so you can work with all the pieces.Is this helpful as far as how to approach the conversation? Whatever his fears are, it sounds like he is heading into overwhelm, so what is best is for you to just take control and calm everything down. The approach above helps create an open and safe space to just talk and let it all out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow! That is a shock! How come they are terminating you? Is that necessary? I’m a little confused because the project is ending and you are looking for a new job, so what’s the point of terminating you? You are already leaving.
How am I dealing with the depression? Gone pretty numb Yes, numb is my coping mechanism as well. How about dealing with your emotions? Journaling, tapping, dancing….anything! Numb means things are clogged and so built up. How about doing something to get the flow going?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I am just like you…I’m all about honesty. I would rather have is straight and deal with the truth more than anything, so I was not being soft with you at all. And from what Spyce said, she is correct. I am avoidant most of the time. Attachment styles are not a fixed thing…a person can be all the styles…it just depends on the situation, but usually there is a dominant type of reaction. I can assure you that our reactions (as avoidants) are natural, instant and absolutely habitual…no different than your anxious style. We cannot control what comes up and how our system responds to the stress, but we can control is what to do with it. That’s where the skill and understanding comes in. I have done soooooo much deep healing work, that now, when I shut down and disconnect, I am able to work with myself and the situation in a much more healthy way. I am able to communicate what I need now, whereas before, I used to just disconnect and the person on the receiving end would just have to wait until I was ready. It’s awful to be on the other end of an avoidant isn’t it? I will tell you, that for me, when someone wouldn’t put up with my disconnect and they would communicate that to me, it would bring me out of it sooner than later. My anxious attachment stye would get activated. It’s a funny thing how us humans work…lol. I’m not saying that is what will work for him, but there is something to say about having self-respect and standards. It’s good for you to communicate your needs, even if he is in his avoidance. Saying something like “I understand you need to disconnect right now and that’s okay. How about we agree to not break up and just be okay with a bit of distance to allow for more perspective and we just come back together and talk in a few weeks. Thoughts?”
During a time when you are not in an argument, you want to have a conversation where you discuss how to navigate challenges. Again, check out the workshop on attachment styles that I sent you. She will teach a variety of ways of how to navigate the gauntlet.
I know he has only done this when there is distance, but the truth is, whether he is close or far away, this is his coping mechanism and always has been. Distance has nothing to do with it. You will be dealing with this forever. And that’s okay! It’s just about navigating it in a healthy way and you BOTH working together to do this. As long as he is willing and interested, it can work!
As for creating a vision of connection, hold the image in your mind of reconnecting. Imagine him sitting in front of you and you guys having a really good, connective, easy conversation. Imagine holding hands while walking on a beach or a trail and being connected. Imagine FEELING that connection of love between the 2 of you. It’s your design. Visualize whatever you want and visualize many scenarios and have fun with it! This is how you create your relationship energetically. It absolutely will affect him, even though he will have no awareness of it! Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand your anger. You are carrying quite a bit of hurt and he is an easy target.
I’m also going to be a bit tough with you right now, which I hope is okay. It’s not HIS fault that he treated you this way. He has EVERY right to be who he is. He can treat anyone the way he wants. We ALL have that choice. The truth is, YOU stayed. You want to point the finger at him and blame him and be the victim, but the real truth is, you CHOSE to stay. So for you to tell him it’s not okay, is blaming him for YOUR choices and the hurt you feel.
Ecaterina, everything you are feeling…the hurt, the anger, the mood swings, the anxiety…all of it has lived within you for many years and he just happened to press a lot of the buttons. He treated you the way he did because of carrying a lot of baggage from his past. To say that he has NO right to aft like this. That she hurt him. But it’s not my fault orr the fault of any other woman. That I didn’t deserve it. We ALL do this Ecaterina. It’s impossible not to. We ALL have baggage that we carry around with us from our pasts and whether we like it or not, it affects how we love. It’s just part of the process. The relationships that work are the ones where BOTH people take responsibility for their baggage and they work with it. You brought your baggage to the relationship too and it affected your interactions. Start by looking in yourself and seeing where your past influenced your relationship with him. Let’s explore that further.
When these feelings comes – i read in intrnet some psicholocical explanation of feelings and situations that are similar. Sometimes i cry. I’ve given you many tools and ideas about how to handle your emotions and you are not doing any of them. Reading explanations will NOT make a difference. You are trying to control FEELINGS with your brain and that’s just not how it works…so you will continue to suffer and hurt. Crying is great though, as long as you are helping yourself in a healthy way through the tears. If you truly want to start to heal and let this go, it’s time to start doing things differently. Are you ready to work with a therapist yet??
Heidi
Did you guys ever have a final conversation about all of this? Did you ever get a chance to apologize for snooping? What kind of closure has been created around this situation?
Heidi
Hi Mery,
Thank you for sharing more info. Let’s break this down a bit more…
makes me wonder why don’t I deserve a committed man? but I’m willing to live with that for now, and to forgive. Having a committed relationship has NOTHING to do with you deserving it or not and EVERYTHING to do with you requiring that. It’s about having standards and not accepting anything less than those standards. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Yes, he is cheating and lying, however, YOU are choosing to stay in that design and are “willing to live with it for now.” YOU are teaching him how to treat you. If you won’t even stand up for yourself and set some standards, why should he change anything? He is getting everything he wants.
I know this may seem counterintuitive, but a man is much more attracted to a woman who has standards that she doesn’t negotiate away. A woman who stands strong for what she wants and needs creates solid respect in the relationship and that is what is missing here. You don’t respect or love yourself enough to truly ask for what you need, so why should he respect you? He knows he can lie to you and you will still end up in his bed. You are willing to choose the connection with him over your own needs.
It’s normal though. Women are soooooo much more highly connective than most men. Reltionships are soooooo important to us and many women end up losing themselves in order to stay connected. We are all guilty of it, so I completely understand what you want and why you are choosing to stay. I’m not sure it’s possible though, so you may have a tough choice to make. We’ll see.
A relationship that lasts, needs to be built on honesty. You have to set that precedence and start to require it from yourself and from him. How do you feel about just coming clean and saying “I know. I saw your phone and saw the text message exchanges between you and her, so I know you are dating her as well. I don’t want this to be a fight, I just want to calmly talk about it and learn about what is happening for you. We are not on the same page right now and that’s just not okay for me, so let’s figure this out and see where we land.”
I know you want him to commit only to you and you’d rather go about it in an indirect way so you don’t have to expose that you have his phone password. The thing is, honesty is so crucial. If you guys can’t be honest with each other, your relationship will break regardless.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heather,
Welcome! Wow! You are really in a tough spot. It’s so insanely difficult to watch the one you love slowly start to slip from your fingers. It’s quite the powerless feeling. I’m so sorry this has shown up in your life.
Let me explain one of the core differences between men and women (generally speaking of course). The CORE of a man’s self-esteem is built around his ability to produce. Being able to provide and produce something in this world is one of the most important things for a man. Therefore, whenever a man’s job is on the line or threatened or not in order yet, the man will naturally and instinctively focus all of his attentions towards his career until things are settled. That means everything else gets shut out. So what you are experiencing with him is quite normal for a guy. This is INCREDIBLY hard because it goes against our instincts. For us, the core of what our self-esteem is built around is connection. Relationships are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in our lives. That’s why the moms are so much more comfortable staying at home and not working. The moms are the relationship caretakers and the dads are the producers. So when the man disconnects from relationship in order to focus on producing, it breaks the heart of their female counterparts. He is totally okay letting go of relationship in order to produce. It has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him being built that way combined with the fears he is carrying around. Women will choose relationship and connection above all else and sacrifice other things in order to maintain a good connection. Maybe this will help you understand a little more about what is happening for him and for you.
What’s important for you, is to figure out ways that you can still care for the relationship. His mind is soooooo overloaded with his life that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to see it’s not necessary to end things. He CAN focus on his business 100% and still be with you. You are a strong, independent woman and will be okay without his attentions for a year. Now is the time to get creative. He sounds like he is in constant overwhelm and that type of energy shuts people down. You can show him how to be more present. For example, what if you showed up to his house around 9pm or 10pm one night in a big coat with lingerie underneath. Hang out for a bit, be flirty and then take him to the bedroom. Stay the night, leave early the next morning. You are connecting during off work hours, right? Doing things like that every once in a while can keep the connection alive just enough to make it through this year. If you guys are spending time talking daily, that means he DOES have an hour to give to you in person before he goes to sleep. Since he is stressing about daily talking, agree to talk 3x a week for an hour. Get the app Marco Polo. I too am a busy person but this app has done wonders helping me stay connected to my friends. It’s basically video messaging. You record a video and he watched and responds whenever he has a chance. I know for me, I will put my phone on the stand in the my car and listen and send messages back to my friends while I’m driving. It’s sooooo easy AND I’m doing it while driving, which means it doesn’t take away from any work time. That may be something that could help keep you guys connected.
So maybe just let him know, “Listen…I understand this year is so tough with what you are wanting to create. Your drive and commitment to make things work is so attractive! I understand our relationship needs to go on hold for a while and I’m okay with that. You are an amazing man that I want to keep in my life. I can absolutely support you by giving you the space you need to build your empire. So let’s come up with a plan that makes us both feel good. I know you don’t want to talk daily and that’s okay. How do you feel about connecting 3x a week for an hour? How do you feel about planning a date once every other month. I just want one night with you…a dinner, sex, a sleepover and then I’ll come back home. Is that something you can agree to?”
Does this make sense the direction I am heading?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
What are the depression thoughts you are dealing with? What are you doing to help yourself work with those thoughts? How are you handling the depression?
Something will show up for work. It has 100% of the time, right? You will be provided for. I know it’s sooooo much easier to just say that but it’s a completely different thing to feel safety in it so you can relax. That’s the faith building element isn’t it?
Hopefully you hear back from that guy!
Heidi
Wowowow! The time is sooooo close now…I can’t believe it either!!! I truly hope your trip is peaceful and amazing. I am sooooo excited that you get to go hiking!!! I can’t wait for you to get out into the kind of nature that you respond to. You get to fill up your heart!!!
I’m glad the border crossing is going to be that easy. Whew! What he was suggesting, I have heard of and it’s intense, so I’m glad he was wrong.
That guy sounds pretty great! I would just respond to him with some questions like “I love that laughing is important to you. What kinds of things make you laugh the most?” or “I love love love animals and dogs. Tell me about your little guy. What something that he does that makes you laugh?” or “Wow…it sounds like you really like to truly embrace your life. What is something that you do that makes you feel like you are truly living life to its fullest?” What do you think about this approach? I’m not sure if you reached out yet. I would just ask 1 question and keep it at that.
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
I thought I would check in as well and see how you are doing. I’m so so sorry for what you are having to live with. I can’t remember if you ever told me…how long do you have to stay? What’s your exit plan?
I thought I would comment on this as well, as I know we have been working a lot on how to diffuse an argument. “it would be great if you can let me know next time if you don’t need lunch or dinner cooked” under normal circumstances, this is a GREAT way to communicate, but to a narcissist, all he is hearing is how bad and wrong he is. It’s important for you to pick your battles wisely, because every single time you confront about anything at all, even as small as lunch, you are going to get a big reaction…and you can only take so much. So the best kind of response would have been “Okay…I will wrap it up for later if you want it.” It’s truly no big deal (in the grand scheme of things) that he didn’t tell you. It’s not respectful, but it’s not something worth spending your precious energy on. He is a volcano that erupts anytime he wants, so remember that anytime you mention something he is or isn’t doing. It’s more important for you to protect yourself right now. I know that means staying silent a lot. Make sure you have outlets where you let out your anger and hurt. You can come here and vent, you can journal, you can exercise, you can dance your feelings etc. What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you went out! I’m introverted as well, so I totally get the discomfort. How did it go?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing all of this! Okay….let’s work through this bit by bit.
I just want to stop the pain i am living with now. I am willing to do everything just to stop feeling the way i feel. I totally get how you feel. Everyone wants out of pain. However, this is NOT a reason to get back together. You are strong enough to face this pain and ride it out. It’s only temporary. You will not feel like this for the rest of your life. Again, the pain you are feeling is full of all kinds of stories and lies that then creates suffering for you. If you want this to shift, then you have to put the work in. You have got to start to reprogram your thoughts and feelings. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!!! You DO NOT let your feelings dictate what happens nor what is true. Your mind and heart KNOWS the truth and it’s up to you to put that in charge over your feelings. What do you do with your feelings when they come up? You can journal, you can self talk and have a conversation with yourself, you can put on music and just dance the feelings you have, you can paint the feelings, you can watch a movie that is inspiring and encouraging, you can listen to a podcast or watch some videos where a person is helping you connect to the truth of who you really are, you can get lost in a book where the main character is fighting for and through something. There are a TON of things you can do with what you feel. You are not a victim of your emotions. An empowered woman invites ALL feelings and then works WITH them and transforms them into something that serves her. Instead, you want to let those feelings lead you back into a relationship where you were not happy. That is being victim to your feelings.
For now, I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing is for you to start to WORK WITH your feelings. Once you feel okay about them and you stop running from them and you empower yourself….THEN you can decide if you want to be with this guy again or not. If you just try and get him back now, you will just go through the same exact thing. If you wait, deal with your feelings and decide you want to give it another shot, you will at least have grown from the experience, you will be more grounded and centered and much more clear.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m wondering if being the sister is getting in the way. I know many people who respect that boundary with their friends. They just don’t cross the line of dating a brother or sister, due to the potential chaos and drama and all the changes that would happen to the original relationship. It’s a pretty big risk to get involved with a friend’s sibling. I’m curious, what are your ages? That really would affect how to approach this. How long have you known him? You are certain that he is single and available?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Man…I get it! To feel that cared about and taken care of…well it just feels amazing. Who in the world would want to walk away from something that feels so good??
Of course you are going to get hurt. He wants something different than you do and that inherently is a barrier to connection. I love that he is honest with you though! He gets props for that.
Is there a middle ground you can find? What if you just date and get to know each other and wait awhile before having sex. It slows things down. It allows you to get to know the REAL him through conversation and it allows time for the friendship to develop. These are crucial things that need to develop anyway. It’s possible that over time he feels inspired to want to connect only with you. The relationship has to deepen through a connection of friendship, not intimacy. I’m not sure if that is something you are willing to do at this point though.
Heidi
First, don’t agree with the belief that you chose who you want in life based on their worst and not their best. I don’t believe that’s a good way to go about things because everyone needs work in one way or the other. No one would ever GET together if they made their choices based on people’s worst qualities. I didn’t explain this very well, did I? Let’s see if I can help this make more sense. When choosing someone according to their worst qualities, it just means that whatever their VERY WORST qualities are, they are loveable and acceptable to have in your life and it’s not harmful to you. If their worst qualities are harmful to you (verbal or physical abuse, stonewalling, passive-aggressive behavior etc.) then you are looking at a relationship that will break. In a couple’s worst moments, there needs to live a respect and an agreement not to cause harm towards each other. It doesn’t mean there aren’t moments of yelling and disconnect…it just means that even in that, they still treat each other with respect. Basically, how a person treats you, themselves and others in their worst…makes or breaks relationship. This isn’t actually my personal theory, although I 100% agree from personal experience. This has been extensively studied as well. Here is an article that talks about what they call the 4 horseman…if any of these exist in a relationship without correction, it’s not going to last. This info has come from over 20 years of detailed study. It’s fascinating! Explore the website as well! There is sooooo much amazing and helpful info.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
The best way I can put it, is that I feel like the real me when I’m with him – after years of having to pretend to be something else with my alcoholic ex. Isn’t it such a wonderful feeling??? Especially compared to what you used to deal with. I understand why you would want to fight for this guy so much. It’s not like it’s easy to feel this way with someone. You have grown leaps and bounds since your experience and that has to feel amazing for you! I feel your internal strength and I have to say…it’s beautiful! Well done! It is NOT easy to get out of what you were in AND grow beyond it and find yourself. You now have an internal strength that will only grow and continue to impact this world!
I sure hope he chooses to fight for you, because he sure would be missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him. I would suggest that you spend time creating a vision of connection between you two. For me, I like to say “I choose goodness into connection” and then imagine what that would look like. Even if he chooses to leave this time without connecting, it doesn’t mean he won’t come around at some point. I actually have no doubt he will. Whatever fear he is facing, it’s BIG BIG BIG! It has nothing to do with you and maybe someday he will face those demons. Fighting for this guy whilst not losing yourself, is going to take a lot of patience on your end. It means KNOWING he will run and come back (hopefully less each time) while standing your ground and requiring to be treated in certain ways if he is going to remain in your life.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
p.s. your plans for the weekend sound great!!!
Hi Liza,
Thanks for sharing more! I love the qualities that you mentioned about him. He does sound like a great guy. I am wondering…are these qualities you don’t have within yourself? Or maybe not to the level that he does? I wonder this because you “look up to him” because he has these qualities….which is a statement of making him more or better than you or “higher” than you. It would be different if you said “I respect these qualities about him” but you are saying “I look up to him.” Do you see the difference? I know it may seem small, but these are things to really pay attention to. If you have feelings of him being better than or more than you…those are feelings to deal with, because it isn’t true. A guy DOES NOT want to be on a pedestal. He definitely wants to be respected though, so how you view him is important.
how can I assure him that I am not that girl in social media who terrorizes him/and the girl. I was not confronted directly, but the fact that he mentioned that “I followed the girl 3 times” gives me a clue that I am a suspect. This really bugs me as I find it the whole thing cheap, and I am not cheap. You show him you are not “cheap” by not getting involved at all. This has nothing to do with you and your “snooping” already caused him to take a step back. Show him you realized you made a mistake and will self-correct by just supporting him IF HE WANTS but other than that, you are not involved in the situation at all. Unfriend yourself or do what you need to do to completely disconnect from the scenario and let it go. Supporting him means listening if he wants to talk about it and reminding him that he will figure this out because he is a smart guy. he is wise and he is a good problem solver. Let him feel your vision of him.
Does this make sense?
Thoughts?Heidi
