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Hi Wendy,
I’m glad you created your own post. I replied to it today, so we will just continue our conversation on your own thread.
Heidi
Hi Donna,
Gosh, I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It truly is awful.
How do I keep attracting these kind of men? You are asking a very good question. The thing is, we can’t know who someone is, until they show us. It’s at that point, we then have a choice as to how we want to interact with them. You chose to stay in a marriage for a loooong time and participate in not being supported. Your husband at the time, did not offer you what you needed. You also decided to stay in that kind of design. Do you know why? Do you understand what was happening inside of you, that made you stay and be treated in that way? Whatever that is, most likely it’s still there and will act like a beacon to bring you other experiences of the same nature. Why? Because that is how we grow…or not. It’s like a fork in the road. You are now having the same kinds of feelings and experiences which means you now have an opportunity to shift it and make a different choice, or continue down the same path as you did before. We ALL have these patterns in our lives that will keep showing up, over and over and over again, constantly giving us opportunities for growth and change and healing…if we choose it.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I understand you being anxious about this connection. I would like to invite you to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. It sounds like you want to head down the path of possibly creating a deeper, more connected relationship with him. Is this something you feel okay about negotiating away? Are you able to stay casual and be a friends with benefits kind of gal? If not, I would NOT suggest an overnight stay anywhere and I would suggest to step away. He is NOT in a place of knowing what he wants, how he feels and of course he is all over the place with his emotions. He is dealing with a HUGE loss, so he has many layers of emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities etc. to face and deal with. He is NOT going to know what he TRULY wants and feels for a long time. I have no doubt you bring him joy and a wonderful connection, but that is going to get mixed up in all the other stuff he is feeling right now. It really is important that you LISTEN to him. HE IS NOT READY for the same level of experience as you are. You guys are NOT on the same page.
The question here is about you. Are you okay with being casual? Are you okay with him not knowing how he feels at different times? Are you okay with being friends with benefits? He is NOT going to change. So you need to decide for yourself what is okay for you to accept and not accept. What are YOUR needs that are negotiable and non-negotiable? What you DON”T want to do is negotiate away some important and core needs of yours, just so you can feel this connection. If you negotiate away some valuable and core needs, you betray yourself and set yourself up for failure in the relationship. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jules!
Good to hear from you again!
Sheesh….I’m sorry you are still dealing with this. First, I would not ignore his texts. You say you want better communication and then you don’t respond to his texts. No matter how you are feeling…angry, hurt, revengeful, frustrated…communication is sooooo important in order to move through whatever is happening. Don’t leave him hanging like that. Make sure you treat him how you would want to be treated.
He also told me he feels like he can’t fully be himself around me and was also feeling “stuck” in our relationship and that’s why he hasn’t expressed his feelings towards me. That and he said he’s bad at communicating. Do you know why he feels he can’t fully be himself with you? Is there something you are doing that makes him not feel safe to be authentic and honest? If he’s bad at communicating and he knows this about himself, the reality is, he hasn’t done much to change any of that. Who knows when and if he ever will, but bottom line, you either accept this about him or you don’t. The moment you start to want to change him or want him to be different, that’s when you need to check yourself.
As far as how to handle this, it’s simple really. It’s about you being VERY CLEAR about what you want, communicating that and then letting him decide if he wants the same things. I told him long distance is a huge decision and if we decide to do long distance both of us have to 100% want to try give us our all. We would have to commit to flying to see each other and become really good at communicating. I know you stated this, but it’s soooo general that he would not have clear picture about what you actually need. So it’s important when communicating, to be specific. What does it actually look like (in action) to give it your all? What does it actually look like (in action) to become really good at communicating? And how do you want to go about getting good at communicating? What do you think good communication is? Basically, you need to get clear and more detailed about what YOU need, in order to stay balanced and feel good about staying in a relationship with him. You lay your cards out on the table and then he gets to either pick them up and put them down. Let’s say you have 5 cards you place down as far as what you need and he picks up and accepts 3 of those needs. Then you have to decide if you can compromise on the other 2 needs or not. What is important here, is that you do not negotiate away your needs in order to stay connected. You need to know yourself SUPER well to understand what you can and cannot compromise on, in order to keep YOU happy. The person you invite into your life on a deeper level, needs to respect, support and honor those needs and vice versa. So I would suggest to get clear and detailed about what you want and need FOR YOURSELF to stay happy and connected. DO NOT talk about him. Meaning, if your focus is on HIM needing to change, you are missing the point and heading down a path of breaking connection. Talk about what keeps you happy and balanced and the non-negotiables that go with that and then he gets to decide to participate or not. Keep the focus on you!
Here is just an example “This long distance thing is going to change how you and I interact and connect. I have thought a lot about this and here is what I know about myself. I love hearing how my guy feels about me. I love being told I’m beautiful and appreciated and that I matter. Hearing the deeper feelings, I am realizing, is actually really important to me. It helps me feel like I am growing and connecting on a deeper level. I understand you have a hard time communicating. I want to continue to move forward with you and grow deeper with you, so you get to decide if communicating your deeper feelings to me is something you want to practice and improve upon….” Does this approach make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Wendy!
Welcome to the forum. I am sooooo sorry for the hurt you have to feel right now. The loss of love is so incredibly difficult, especially when there isn’t a lot of understanding of what happened.
I just have a few questions. When he started to become distant, is there anything you can think back to that may have triggered it? Was it after you told him you loved him? Was it after having sex with him for the first time? Did he talk about anything he felt unhappy with about you or the relationship? It sounds like he was coming over frequently for quite awhile, then said he had feelings for you. Then it sounds like you finally decided to get together, so how long did the new dating/being intimate part last before he started disconnecting? What makes you think he is cheating? Did you guys have that conversation and agreement to be exclusive? It sounds like he just isn’t connecting anymore at all. Can you tell me what your interactions are like right now?
Looking forward to more details.
Heidi
Wow!! I seriously am impressed that the drunk Becky was so well spoken. I would have never guessed you were drunk typing! haha! How fun that you had all kinds of people buying drinks for you! That’s all kinds of love coming in your direction, right when you need it most.
You are spot on with saying, “Only time will tell.” You are doing the very best you know how. You are socializing and moving on with your life AND you are also waiting for him. Of course you are. 35 years of thinking one way, means it’s gonna take awhile to adjust and think another way. The fact that you are willing and open to do that is all that is needed. You are just letting yourself be you, not forcing anything and being in a place of acceptance, no matter what you feel. You are staying grounded and centered in what your needs are and taking good care of yourself. Whatever feelings do come up, at whatever moment, you are strong enough to feel them, acknowledge them and talk to us or your therapist if need be…and then move on. You are doing such a great job! You are doing more than most people would do. You definitely have an internal strength that you have worked very hard to develop and it’s showing right now, in one of the biggest losses of your life. Well done.
So I’m just curious…what is your fear about dating someone local? I totally get how the distance thing allows for space and keeps things super slow and comfortable. I’m curious what some of your beliefs/thoughts are about what a relationship looks like (in your mind) if you lived in the same area.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for the update! I love that you are connecting with friends and keeping busy and listening to podcasts. That’s so very important! What are you doing to process the feelings you have? Are you allowing yourself some time and space to TRULY and DEEPLY feel the loss of him? What are you doing to directly help yourself emotionally heal? Keeping busy is good, but it can also be a good mechanism of avoidance and distraction. I’m just checking in to see where you are at with all of it.
There’s no way he’s just gonna ghost me after 34 years of history. He just wouldn’t do that. Careful with this belief. The truth is, you know everything about him and you know nothing about him and that will ALWAYS be true. He IS capable of ghosting you completely and never contacting you again. He has never had to face the loss of his mother before and you are now seeing that he is capable of saying goodbye to your pretty kickass and wonderfully nourishing relationship. Carrying this belief that he will reach out again at some point (which the odds are definitely in your favor) will keep you stuck and prevent you from healing. It’s a belief that will keep you holding on vs. accepting what the reality is RIGHT NOW. Letting go completely IS the healing process. If you take this path, you are truly honoring yourself. If he does end up reaching out down the road, you guys will talk and you will decide what is best for you AT THAT TIME. Letting go of him and the relationship fully and completely DOES NOT MEAN he can’t come back into your life at a future time. If you fully allow yourself to heal on all levels and get to the point where you feel no more hurt, no more wanting for him, no more waiting for him…then if he reaches out again, you will be so much more clear to know what is best for you. Thoughts?
I think it will be good to just go meet another guy and have a new experience even though you are not really available right now. I’m sure this guy will want to see you many more times, because you are pretty amazing! Let us know how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Fung,
It sounds like you are getting a a bit more clear about what you want to experience. I want to suggest a bit of a switch in thinking. I find that the biggest issue in dating is people not being SUPER clear about what their non-negotiables are and then settling – allowing the feelings of connection and chemistry to guide them vs. allowing the non-negotiables to also be part of the process.
So how about you create a non-negotiable list. It’s not about what you want, it’s about what you literally cannot live without in a relationship. Let’s say you have a list of 20 non-negotiables. If you meet a guy that meets 19 of those non-negotiables, it still will not work! That’s how serious and important it is to be CLEAR about your non-negotiables. Not a single trait on that list is compromisable. When you are looking for someone to get serious with, it’s crucial that you date from that non-negotiable list. If you want to date casually, the list doesn’t matter. I always tell people though, when you are being a casual dater, it’s the PERFECT time to truly test out your list. For example, I used to have on my list “athlete.” Being that I was a higher-level soccer player, dating an athlete was important to me and at the time, felt like a non-negotiable. But then I met a guy who was not an athlete. He lifted weights, he went on hikes and he was pretty active, but he didn’t play a sport. I realized that dating a guy that was “active” was actually my non-negotiable, not “athlete.” So dating casually is a great way to test out your list.
I like to encourage people to think about the different categories in life: health/nutrition, finances, family, home, spirituality etc. Feel free to share what you come up with. It’s quite the process and will change several times, but we can help you through it.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Thank you for sharing more of your feelings! I understand the anger and the hurt you feel towards Brian. I’m going to say something that may be a bit hard to swallow. Brian was playing with your emotions to get what he wanted. The reason you are so angry at him is because he is reflecting back to you, how you are treating your boyfriend. You are doing, saying and being what your boyfriend needs in order to keep him hooked. Brian wanted sex from you and behaved in a way to get what he wanted. You are wanting connection, safety and a feeling of family with your boyfriend and you are behaving in a way that gets you what you want. I know you and Brian were after different things, but in the end, neither of you are being authentic, honest and caring towards the people you are using. Brian used you and you are using your boyfriend. So before you decide you want to rip him a new one…take a look at yourself first. I was taught from a very young age, “remember that as you are pointing a finger at someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself.” I know this is a hard one to swallow. I have been exactly where you are now, where I was so hurt and angry at how I was treated and then was shown how I did the same to another. It’s incredibly humbling. This again, is where your feelings are not facts. Your angry feelings towards Brian are a reflection of the judgment and anger you carry about yourself. You are pretty darn hard on yourself. I get it though…most people are and you have a lot you are having to manage, especially having bipolar. Have you found a medication yet that helps stabilize you? I know it can be a tricky thing to navigate.
There is no judgment here Faith. Spyce and I both completely understand what you are going through and believe me…as relationship coaches, we have heard it all. Both of us have done enough work on ourselves to be able to provide a safe and non-judgmental place for people to share their vulnerabilities with us. Neither of us judges you. We just understand you. We understand the energy of why you are making the decisions you do. We understand your need to keep your boyfriend for feelings of family and to then venture out and connect sexually with other men. All your choices are just symptoms of what lives in your subconscious. We can teach you to the moon and back and answer all of your “whys” but until you really dive deep (with the help of a therapist), these patterns will just continue. It’s okay though. Your life is your design. When you are in enough pain and willing to do anything to get out of pain, you will start to make different decisions. Unfortunately, that is how most of us operate. That’s why I always say “Pain is a gift.” Pain inspires movement towards healing.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
I can feel how much this is hurting you and the confusion you carry about everything. It’s pretty awful to watch someone you love, slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it. It activates powerlessness and I have to say…powerlessness is one of the hardest feelings to deal with. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this.
There are a few things you have said that I’d like to talk about more.
He tells me constantly how much I mean to him, but when he needs something I can’t even take care of myself half of the time mustless a grown man I’m not sure what this means. Being that he lives in Spain, what is it that he is asking for that you feel you can’t offer him? What do you mean you can barely take care of yourself?I just don’t know what else to say to make him understand THAT I truly love him Does he doubt your love or feel like you don’t love him? It sounds like you are trying to convince him that you love him, so help me understand why.
I honestly fell in love with this man the sweet and inspiring words he’d use when we first started talking never had I ever had anyone to say such beautiful things to me This makes me kind of sad that he was the first person in your life to say sweet things to you. I can see why it would be a very powerful experience for you. I can see why you would fall in love with him. The thing is Sandy, you actually don’t know him that well. You are getting a small sliver of insight into who he is. Being that you have never met before, there is soooooooo much unknown territory that has not yet been explored.
I’m curious…have you guys ever talked about living in the same city? I know you briefly said he would come and get you when the pandemic is over. Were you planning on moving there to be with him?
Is this a pattern he has where he is connective and then he disconnects? If not, is there anything you can think of that happened that may cause him to take a step back? Anything you said or anything that is happening in his life right now?
What is the current status? Are you guys still talking? If yes, how often? Who initiates?
Heidi
Oh! That makes more sense. From what you said, it sounds like this company does not have very high value in treating their employees well, so I’m praying for your next opportunity to be treated like GOLD!!!
I’m sooooo excited for you to get home to the mountains!!! I know and understand how important they are to your life and I have no doubt your heart will just siiiiiinnnnggggg when you get to reconnect with one of God’s most beautiful creations!
You are really pushing it with driving that in 2 days. I’m sure you can do it, but hopefully you are flexible enough to not push it if you don’t feel you can drive safely. How’s that for being mother-like? lol.
Heidi
Hi Karolyn,
It sounds like you didn’t really get to say what you needed to. What do you mean he “shushed” you? How did the conversation go? Just because he doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t mean the conversation doesn’t happen. This is an important topic for you and it’s important for HIM to be clear about what your boundaries are. If he is just going to “shush” you when you are trying to communicate something important for you, then that’s a pretty big red flag. He needs to be able to communicate with you, even when it’s uncomfortable.
I think the most important part of what you need to get across is that you are not a friends with benefits kind of girl. You can really just keep it very simple and say something like, “Listen. I just need to say this for myself. You can do what you want with what I need to say, but I need you to know I’m not a friends with benefits kind of girl. I did get wrapped up in the moment when you melted me like butter so easily, but I also need you to know that my sexuality is sacred to me. I truly am only interested in opening that part of myself up to someone who I am more deeply connected with and in a relationship with. I just need you to know that. And FYI…being with you that way was pretty amazing. I did enjoy being melted like butter in your very skilled hands.”
Just keep it light, flirty and fun and then let it go. Open and close with something flirty to make him feel good and also to keep encouraging him. It doesn’t need to be a deep and serious conversation, which I imagine is what he is trying to avoid by shushing you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Heidi – when you say “keep holding a higher vision of him” do you mean to just spend time visualizing him being who I need him to be? First, I completely understand why you would question and doubt doing this kind of thing. I would love to invite you to explore this doubt further. It’s great you have doubt! That’s pretty normal. I have explored and researched this particular topic so deeply. There actually is an INCREDIBLE amount of science around this. There finally are studies and technology that can bring the power of thought and energy into a real and applicable form. You are so much more powerful with your thoughts and feelings than you realize. If you wish to explore this further, here are a few books. Both authors have TONS of books and info they are sending out all the time, so even just getting on their email lists is a good thing. https://drjoedispenza.com/collections/books (check out his book “You are the Placebo”) and https://www.greggbraden.com/product-category/books/ (Check out “The Spontaneous Healing of Belief”)
In regards to visualizing, I’d suggest to not look at it as “him becoming what you need.” That kind of thinking means you are needing him to change and it has the feeling of lack to it. Instead, you want to focus on his BEST self. You KNOW he can resolve conflict. So when you visualize, imagine and connect to that part of him who is capable of working things through with you. Imagine and feel the feelings of being resolved after this breakup. Imagine holding hands and feeling happy. Imagine seeing him happy and feeling free and open and vulnerable in his connection with you. You are basically envisioning his BEST self and your BEST self together and you treat each other, even during arguments. I know this is what you need and want from him, but the energy of “need” and “want” suggests scarcity and that something isn’t there. The truth is, you are whole and complete and NOT in scarcity even in this disconnect. So it’s important that when you visualize, you do it from a place of wholeness and not needing or wanting anything. It needs to be more from a mindness of “adding” to your life, not fixing or filling a need or want. Does this make sense? It’s a slight nuance, but it matters. Feel free to ask more questions about this!
After some personal reflection this past week, I’ve come to realize that there is a reason why I like long distance relationships. They’re good when you’re together….and then you can go home and have your own space again. I’ve come to realize that I am not interested in marrying again…..and I don’t think I’m even interested in living with someone full time. At some point down the road, I’ll share that with him…..and that may either lighten his mind or make him doubt me more because maybe he wants those things. I really have no clue! I would invite you to just sit with this for a while. The truth is, you really don’t know what you would want until you meet the guy who is willing to join you on a journey. Each guy is different and therefore will bring out different sides to you. So how you feel right now about how you want to design a relationship, may change and will change as you age and connect on deeper levels with someone. I honestly think it’s the least of his worries at the moment and probably on the lesser end of his concerns about being connected with you. I honestly think the loss of his mom is sooooooo stressful that his system is just shutting down. He is in survival mode for sure. He is overwhelmed and he is deeply, deeply scared. He doesn’t have anything to offer you right now. That HUGE, GIGANTIC pot of fear that is active right now is what it is. There is no way to differentiate all the different fears he carries about you. I feel for the guy. What he is having to carry and deal with inside of himself is so incredibly hard.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest with us!!! It truly is beautiful and actually takes quite a bit of strength to be this open and honest about what you are experiencing. Have you ever acknowledged this strength in you? If not, it’s about time you start to recognize what an incredible quality it is that you carry within you.
There is sooooo much to say and teach, so bear with us as we break this down and guide you through different aspects of what you are noticing about yourself.
I am just going to start with this: EMOTIONS ARE NOT FACTS. If you understand that somewhere around 80% of our actions, thoughts and feelings come from the subconscious part of ourselves, it will make more sense that emotions are not facts. In our subconscious, lives the majority of all our wounds, hurts, programs, limiting beliefs, paradigms, memories etc. We actually store around 20,000 bits of information per second…smells, sounds, feelings, thoughts etc. That’s a TON!!!! Some sticks in our consciousness and the rest heads down in the depths of the subconscious. Although we don’t have an awareness of everything that lives in there, all of it is always influencing how we feel, think, act, the decisions we make and who we are attracted to. With all of that being said, there IS a way to start to understand what is lives in our subconscious…and that’s through our feelings, behaviors and actions. If you understand that your beliefs, feelings and programs are a reflection of ALL that lives within you (conscious and subconscious and beyond) then you know that you don’t want to just take your beliefs and feelings at face value. You want to explore them further. You want to go down the rabbit hole to find out what the true source of those feelings are. For example, I have worked in different gyms for many years as a Strength Coach. That means I see a lot of the same guys all the time. I will have no feelings or reaction to any of them and then one day, I will walk into the gym and all of a sudden, a guy I have seen and talked to a million times, all of a sudden becomes attractive to me and I will start to have thoughts about him. I’ve had some pretty strong feelings come up for certain guys. But instead of acting on those feelings, I explored them in myself and got to a deeper core root of what was going on. This one time, I remember I discovered that right around the time I was SUPER attracted to this guy, about a month earlier was my dad’s birthday. I don’t have a relationship with my dad as he is not a safe person, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have a part of me that longs to be connected with him. Once I acknowledged my dad’s birthday and the feelings that came up around that, resolved it, released it and moved on, my feelings for that guy instantly went away. That just confirmed for me my suspicions that my feelings for him were not coming from an authentic, clear space. My feelings were coming from a place, deep in my subconscious and my feelings were just a symptom of something else that was ready to be acknowledged and released. Whatever it is that we are feelings, they need to be explored. The more you practice exploring them, the more you will get to know yourself on a deeper level and the easier it will be to sense whether what you are feeling is clear and authentic or full of other kinds stuff coming from your subconscious.
Your feelings of wishing he was still attracted to you…those feelings are NOT clear. Those feelings are connected to some of your low self-esteem and not feeling like you are enough. Those low self-esteem feelings are what is driving you to be attracted to and wanting to connect with men who are not healthy and men who you do not treat you with respect. That pattern is a reflection of what is living in your subconscious. The truth is, we teach people how to treat us. How we feel deeply about ourselves, will get reflected in the people we let into our lives. For example, there is this one woman who is a POWERHOUSE in business and most areas of her life, but in the romance department, she just ends up attracting men who cheat and have a lot of disrespect towards women in general. Long story short, I helped her connect to that part of herself that felt like she didn’t deserve much more. Her father and mother taught her that. It was buried so deep, she had no awareness that she felt that way about herself. Once she connected to that part and started connecting the dots, things started to shift.
Because you end up just following your feelings, without question, you end up getting into these hurtful situations. It’s pretty common actually. When it comes to dating and love, most people follow the feelings of chemistry. Instead of following your feelings, how about slowing down and getting to know those feelings. Imagine taking your feelings out on a date. Ask A LOT of questions like “Where are you coming from? How come you are here? Tell me more about yourself. What do you need? What do you want? Tell me more about that etc.” Journaling is a GREAT way to do this. Do a question and answer type of format. It takes practice and most likely will be weird and uncomfortable at first, but give it time. Is this something you might be willing to do?
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
Would you mind sharing more details? What is the nature of your relationship? You say you’ve been talking for about 2 years now, so are you friends, coworkers, acquaintances, friends with benefits? When you guys talk, who initiates contact most of the time? You want this guy to fall in love with you. Does he know how you feel about him? Is he emotionally available? Meaning, is he coming out of any marriage or breakup that would make him not really available for another relationship at this time? What are your ages? Do you live in the same area?
Share as many details as you feel comfortable. It will help us guide you better and give you more specific guidance to your situation.
Heidi
