[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

Do you have any idea how his mom is doing?

If he does have any of those thoughts about the past 30 years, I doubt they are conscious. Honestly, my take is that the biggest impact of why he is behaving to this extreme is because of the loss of his mother. From what you said, he is terrified of death and he is having to face it now, whether he likes it or not. This kind of loss changes a person’s entire world. It changes their identity. It will trigger every single little fear, insecurity, hurt etc. living in the subconscious. If someone is not skilled or emotionally intelligent enough to recognize all the triggers happening, they head into survival mode. For him, that means shutting down. In some ways, breaking up is easier for him because then it’s 1 less person to lose. You have to remember that his fear is so darn big and all his triggers are up and active. It doesn’t matter what you have said to him to re-assure him. His fear and wounds are bigger than your words. To make a more simple analogy, imagine you were terrified of heights and I want you to go to the top of the empire state building with me. Do you really think that my words about how safe it is up there will convince you to go to the top??? No way. You would have to be willing to face your fear and then my words would have some kind of impact to help you move forward. Your guy is just not in that space yet. The fear is too much. His triggers are too big that it’s all just shutting him down – and the loss of his mom is the even that is bringing all of it up. He is basically experiencing a lifetime of thoughts and feelings and wounds and programs and limiting beliefs etc. Death does that. So his survival mechanism is to go into his cave and retreat. If he were more skilled at handling his emotions and strong enough to ask for some professional guidance and help and if he knew how to heal from his past, he would be reacting differently. He is just not that guy who really has the inner drive to do healing work. He holds onto things and stuffs them down and thinks it went away. Then something like losing his mom shows up in his life and his system goes into overwhelm and shuts down. Not that he would consciously understand or have awareness around that though. Does this make more sense? If this is what is happening for him, I get it. I have the same coping mechanism of shutting down completely, but because I know the signs and symptoms, because I have cleared a TON of baggage from my past and because I have a skillset and support system to help me, I am able to keep myself from shutting down and staying present. Even still, sometimes it’s a fight for me as there is no more comforting place sometimes than just going into retreat and shutting everybody out and wallowing in the hurt. LOL. Just being honest. I have an incredible coach who knows how to kick my ass if I start to head there.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay…let’s break this down a bit more.

I asked you if there was a pattern of the guys being emotionally unavailable. You said: No. I usually feel loved in a relationship

But then you follow up with describing these common experiences:
1. they criticize you in one way or another
2. they play games
3. they are afraid of commitment
4. narcissistic
5. neglectful sometimes

Do you see how you are pairing “love” with these qualities? I’m not saying you are aware of it, but if any of these qualities were to exist in a relationship, it is NOT love. I’m sure you were treated well too and I know these were not the dominant characteristics, but even if these qualities existed a small percentage…it’s NOT love. It’s what is called trauma love…where 2 people are bonded and feel love for each other because of their past traumas / wounds. I know it sounds strange, but it happens ALL THE TIME!!! It’s too hard to explain the psychology of it here and type it all out. I’ll use myself as an example that may help you understand what I mean.

My father was a narcissist and my 2 brothers followed his path of misery. So the males I grew up with were awful and emotionally unavailable. So when I started dated, all I was attracted to were the “bad boys” that were emotionally unavailable. It was what I was used to and it was a challenge to me. I had this thought always running in my mind “If I can get THIS guy…the guy that no girl can get and keep his attention, then I am finally worth loving.” My father and brothers set up that programming for me. It was soooo darn strong because I had millions of repetitions of constantly being rejected, dismissed and feeling like I didn’t matter. Consciously I knew what I was doing and I hated that those were the kind of guys I was attracted to. My programming and wounds were just so strong, that my constant need to “finally” get connection/care from a guy who was emotionally unavailable, controlled me. I tried to like the “nice” guys. I had a pretty strong pattern of liking and dating a nice guy for 2 weeks and then I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I would get bored. Isn’t that funny??? I would get bored with being treated well and connected with! I knew how messed up that was!!!

I finally found an incredible therapist who kicked my ass! We worked VERY hard to connect to the hurts and traumas I was carrying and heal. Eventually, I was able to shift my pattern. It was really tough, but ever since my mid-20’s the bad boy kind of guy who is emotionally unavailable doesn’t catch my attention anymore. No way!!! I love and value myself soooo much now that I don’t waste a single minute with anyone who doesn’t view me the same way…ALL THE TIME! Not just sometimes…ALL THE TIME!!!!

So you have a strong program operating deep within you that is saying yes to these experiences with men who DO NOT view you or treat you with high respect.

He told me how much he suffer and how he can’t stop hating her.

In that moment I understand that regardless what happen – it will be very very hard for me to leave him. So i just sabotaged myself. Why could it be? It’s time for you to start being more discerning. If a guy told me he can’t stop hating his ex, I’m RUNNING the other direction. No way am I going to give a guy the time of day who is going to hold on and be hateful. That would eventually come out onto me and I sure as heck and not going to stick around for that. You however, responded differently – because you have that deep program, full of wounds and hurt, that is running the show.

Does all of this make a little more sense??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Faith,

How are you doing processing all of this? Are you able to create some kind of closure for yourself? Are you able to let this guy go yet?

How are you feeling about your boyfriend? Would you be interested in maybe focusing your attentions on him instead?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

OMG! Rebecca! You are so funny! Enter stage front and center now. I was mistaking you for another person that has only been connecting with Spyce, so I wasn’t checking this thread. Totally my mistake!

Speaking as an experienced avoidant, ABSOLUTELY he is hurting deeply. The way you can tell an avoidant is hurting is by the size of the wall they put up and any passive-aggressive behavior they display. Him sending you the protein mix back was most likely passive-aggressive. It would be an energy of like “F*** you. You hurt me, so now I’m going to hurt you back.” He KNOWS you want connection and this could be a passive aggressive way of showing you he is still there, but he is not going to give you what you want. Not that he is conscious of that. Most people are not that self-aware. I know it’s messed up, but it shows how deeply he is hurting and cares about you…but that love and care is surrounded by gunk right now…fear, hurt, anger, loss of you and his mother etc. He doesn’t have access to the center.

That’s my best guess at least. I know that’s how I used to respond. I remember one time I left flowers on my doorstep with a note from a pretend guy, knowing my ex was coming by to pick up a few things. He opened the door with the flowers in hand and shoved them at me. I, of course, being the manipulate person I was, acted surprised and like I didn’t know what was happening. I KNEW i hurt him deeply which is what I wanted. That isn’t necessarily characteristic of avoidants though. So I could be completely off about him.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Megan,

Wow! You really are going through a lot right now and I am so so sorry! Being married to an alcoholic is so incredibly difficult. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to go sober again. Honestly, until he is willing to do that, he will never be happy. He can blame you all he wants, but the truth is, he is unhappy in himself. When someone is so miserable inside, they see the world through that lens. It won’t matter what you do. It will never be enough in his eyes, because HE is unhappy. He needs to get himself right, first and foremost. He needs to get sober and recommit to healthier path before anything can work.

I’m sure you have a lot of work to do inside yourself as well. I’m sorry that you felt the counselor didn’t work for you. Find another one! Keep interviewing and finding different counselors until you get the right fit. It’s such a personal journey, it’s really important to find the right kind of guide.

He has cheated on me twice now and I want to be able to get his trust back and I want this marriage to work. Did you mean to say it this way? That HE cheated and you want to earn HIS trust back? I’m not sure if this is a typo or if there is some missing information. Maybe you want to look at this sentence again and pay attention to your thinking. He broke the trust. He broke his integrity. He needs to be the one building the trust back up with you, not the other way around. Either way, your relationship sounds pretty messy and challenging. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and anger being exchanged between you guys. The only way to truly and deeply create healing is if you BOTH get separate help. He needs to focus on becoming sober and you need to focus on yourself and heal the hurt you are carrying.

I know this is not what you want to hear. When you are dealing with an addict, there are just some hard lines. As long as an addict is active, a relationship with them means extreme chaos, challenge and destruction of love.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Eve,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us!

I am not clear. Were you guys dating before he left? I know you were intimate one time, but were you guys going out on dates and connecting romantically before he left?

When you guys do talk, are you being flirty at all? Is he flirty at all? Is there any sexual energy happening or does it feel purely like friends?

heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda!

How’s it going??? Any news yet? I don’t know why I am even asking because I know you would let us know as soon as you found out. So my guess is, you are still just taking one day at a time.

Dwayne doesn’t sound like a very fun guy. He sounds kind of boring actually. You never know…Sarnia may be hosting the man of your dreams!!!

Have you figured out a new route home yet?

[Heidi G]

Hi Maria,

It sounds like he is not really motivated to move forward into something at this point. I imagine, being that you guys have a history, that it wouldn’t really be a light, easy dating experience like it would be with someone brand new. He may feel that if he goes on a date with you, he is opening the possibility for a deeper connection. That may be something he is not ready for. With a dating app, he can have all kinds of hookups with no strings attached whenever he has time. This is just a guess of course.

He keeps using work as an excuse, which it may be valid or not. Who knows. What you DO know is that he has canceled 2 or 3x times now. Here is just a general rule of thumb: Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern and 3x is a strong pattern. This is important to pay attention to because 2 or 3 occurrences of the same thing (especially all in a row) means he is going to do it again. The reason why he cancels doesn’t matter. What you are seeing is that he is not following through on his word. That is about integrity. He KNOWS his schedule. He KNOWS when he gets off work and when his days off are. If he has no time and is so busy, why go on a dating app then? If he doesn’t have time, then he is a workaholic, which means he is not available for dating or a relationship anyways. My point being, is that you are making excuses for him and you haven’t even gone on a date with him yet. I would say it’s not the best start. Just something to think about.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Wendy,

There is a lot of important things you have shared and I want to go through it bit by bit.

I am so afraid that he may get fed up with me and I would lose him. It’s so important to face our fears. It’s the only way to get control over our emotions. If you really dig deep into your fear of losing him, you will find some kind of story you have created. Fear is about the future. Fear is a feeling we create around a made up story…something that hasn’t even happened yet! So it’s time for you to imagine fear as a part of you, imagine sitting down to dinner and having a conversation with yourself. What’s the story you have created? Why did you choose this particular story? What’s the worst that you imagine happening? What you said here is what is driving your fear, so it will help you connect to that REAL REASON why you are afraid: I guess it comes from being betrayed by my then husband and it went on from there. I never felt that I was good enough or pretty enough. During my youth I lack self confidence and it made shy away from a lot of things. I still am not sure how I got married in the first place.
The thing is, when someone doesn’t have a STRONG internal love, they will rely on outside sources to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with using outside sources for validation or love, but when it becomes the dominant/main source for feeling confident and valuable, fear of losing that source becomes soooooo big! The real truth is, if you lose him, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! You have been single for 15 years. You KNOW that you are okay without a man in your life…yes?

He is the only man who has ever made me feel so special when he is around. Let me give you a scenario. Imagine that you had MANY men, all throughout your life, tell you how special you are, how beautiful you are and made you feel special and like a queen. Would he really be that special to you? Probably not. It’s like you have been in a desert without water for soooo long and all of a sudden, a guy comes up to you and offers you water. You drink it instantly and make him the hero, without really looking at what was in the water. You didn’t look to even see if the water was clean. All you know is that you got some water and this guy gave it to you and he saved you. But if you were walking in the desert with a full supply of water all of the time, the guy that offered you the water would not be your hero and rescuer, but instead a regular guy on your journey. You have been soooo starved for love and connection, yes? I know you have done a ton of healing work, which is amazing! Now you have another level that it’s time to face. I want to encourage you to invite a man into your life from what I call a “love abundance” mindset. Meaning…you have so much love flowing in and out of your life (sourced by you), that you don’t “need” a man to fill you up. If a guy comes and offers you a drink of water, you can take or leave it. You don’t need it though, because you already have an infinite supply of water. From this mindset and way of living, you are able to see each person (friend or lover) from a place of clarity vs. a place of scarcity. Right now and the way you are talking and how you view him, you are coming from a place of scarcity. That’s why this fear exists. It has nothing to do with him. It has to do with YOU not being your own source of love and knowing, in every cell of your being, that you are going to be totally okay without him. If you knew that, through and through, you would have control over your fear and instead of your fear controlling you. I’m not saying you won’t be afraid. It’s normal and natural to be afraid, but it’s an empowered woman who takes control of her fear by facing it. It’s a victimized woman who let’s her fear run the show. Which one do you want to be?

Before he was known as a womanizer. I do want to trust him, how do I deal with this before it gets out of hand. I believe that he loves me because as you say he keeps coming back but what if it is only for sex. He makes sure that he takes care of my needs before he allow his to be met. He is not a selfish lover. Here is another perspective about trust. Instead of putting your trust in him, take it back and trust in yourself. The reality is, in ANY relationship, trust will be broken. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s part of being human. When the trust is broken in the relationship, you need to be able to fall back onto the trust you carry within yourself. That trust says “No matter what he does, I trust MYSELF that I am resilient, resourceful and I know how to heal. I trust MYSELF that I will be okay.” That’s the foundation you build everything else off of. So instead of focusing on trusting others, you need to start building trust within yourself first and foremost. If you keep focusing on “other” you will spend the rest of your life letting fear consume you. You will never find peace in any relationship, because the issue is within you and you will carry it with you always, into every relationship. And FYI…if he is/was a womanizer, there is an underlying lack of respect he will ALWAYS have towards women. Just because he keeps coming back, DOES NOT mean he loves you. A womanizer KNOWS that he waits for the woman to finish first before he has his pleasure, because otherwise he won’t get invited back. He’s an experienced lover Wendy. None of these things have any meaning towards love.

He tells me stop stressing over things. I text him my worries and fears, he reads but he doesn’t respond. I wish he would text me back so I would know what is going on in his mind. What worries and fears are you texting him? This is basically you reaching out to him and wanting HIM to fix YOUR fears. That’s your job, not his.

There is someone else who cares about me, I care about him too but I am so in love with this one. My other friend can probably provide me with material things and so on but he is not my neighbor. I guess I could be contented if I had to choose him but I would always wonder about my being with my neighbor.
this is a lot and I am confused. Again, you are considering this man, just because he is choosing you. You get to do something like that, but if you are looking for passion and love, it starts with you loving yourself first and foremost and facing your fears. This guy that wants to give you everything deserves to have that returned to him. Maybe consider saying “no” since you do not feel that way towards him and give him the gift of freeing him up to search elsewhere for someone who feels the same in return. Just a thought.

I know this is a lot that I shared, but it essentially, I’m saying the same exact thing, just in different ways. It’s time to start loving yourself more and to face your fear.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ecaterina,

It is strange isn’t it, when you find yourself crying over a guy who treated you with quite a lot of disrespect and harmful words. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon, especially for women.

So you think i suffer because of my past, not because of me being confused from his changing of affirmations and rude, painful words? Yes. Someone who has strong, inner self-esteem would have walked away the very first time it happened. An emotionally healthy person DOES NOT tolerate mis-treatment on any level, regardless of the connection they may feel for someone. Not to say it would be an easy thing for them, but ultimately, they are so connected to their inner wisdom and inner love that they choose themselves over a connection that is not healthy and nourishing. The reason you stayed connected as long as you did is because you are used to being criticized. Even though it hurts every time, you are used to it because your mother has taught you to be used to it. Your psyche would have paired love and criticism together. Meaning, deep deep deep down, there is most likely a part of you that doesn’t know love without criticism. And being that your mom is still in your life and criticizing you, it just keeps getting reinforced over and over and over again. Us humans, we are always attracted to what we know, what we are comfortable with and what is familiar. The same is true when picking out romantic partners. We will pick a partner that keeps us in that familiar zone. You are used to being criticized, so he was the perfect guy to match that energy you carry. By the way, none of this is a conscious choice. It’s coming from your subconscious mind. For Our subconscious beliefs and programs are what has the BIGGEST influence into who we attract as a partner. The way that you know what lives in your subconscious what your deeply rooted beliefs are, is to look at the patterns in your life.

So let’s explore this a bit. What would you say are the common traits of all the men you have attracted into your life romantically. Your mom said you always choose men that aren’t good. Is this true? Are they always emotionally unavailable in some way? Do they tend to be critical? Do they play games? ARe they afraid of commitment?

What about your father. What is your relationship like with your father? That also has a STRONG STRONG influence into a woman’s life and the kind of man she chooses to connect with.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda,

Welcome! We are glad you are here and we will help in any way that is possible. Your story is actually not an uncommon one for your age. You guys are 19 or 20ish, yes?

but relationships are complicated Relationships don’t have to be hard or complicated. I know PLENTY of relationships where everything is pretty easy and great most of the time. Of course, there are hard times, but not often. How hard or complicated a relationship is, directly depends on how complicated the people are. Know that you have COMPLETE choice and control in the type of relationship you want to participate in! People who believe relationships are complicated or hard attract exactly that, so I would hate to see you head down that path of a false belief.

I know you are still quite young and don’t have a lot of experience, but I’m wondering if you notice if it’s a pattern of yours to become “deeply attached” quickly. For you to be deeply attached to anyone only after a month, is something of a “caution” flag. Getting to know someone and giving them your heart takes time. Over time, you see the different sides of a person, you see how they treat you when they are stressed, you see how they treat others while out and about and you see ALL of these things over and over and over again so you begin to see patterns. This information is so crucial so you know whether or not you are fundamentally safe to open up to someone. I always coach people to choose who they give their heart to, based on how the other person treats them under stress. Meaning, when you see your guy at his very worst…when he is stressed, angry, hurt, feeling rejected etc. you see that he is still respectful. He doesn’t become abusive or harmful towards himself, you or others. He doesn’t ghost and stonewall and run away, he actually stays and works through things. When you KNOW and have seen and experienced the worst side of someone and can feel safe…then that person is someone who you can go deep with and know that the foundation of the relationship is workable and strong. Just something to think about in the future.
My point though, is that you barely know this guy. You may have seen him a lot in high school, but you have only known him romanticly for a month. That is such a short amount of time to feel “deeply attached.” Part of what I’m wondering is that he may have felt that “deep” attachment from you.

How about you share some details about your interactions. Were you saying I love you at all? Were you super responsive to him all the time? Did you text him a lot? Did you guys do everything together? What percentage was he initiating contact and making plans compared to you initiating?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I have an idea. If you still want to celebrate the “anniversary” how about making it a celebration of 1 more year that he has improved your life…or something to that affect. And you can even say something like “WE have a 3 year anniversary today, but I’d like to celebrate it a bit differently. Instead of celebrating another year together, how about we just honor 1 more year of growth. We both have been through a lot this year, both as individuals and as a couple, so celebrating our resilience and that we are still hear, growing and figuring it out…that seems like a good thing to celebrate.”

Does this concept make sense? Just an idea 🙂

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa,

It sounds like things are going so great!!! I love hearing this! It sounds like he is opening more and more. I know it’s not to the level that you want, but it is heading in that direction.

Maybe it’s time to have a conversation about the breakup. It is a big elephant in the room. There is a way to approach it where he doesn’t have to feel a lot of pressure. What if you got all dolled up, you guys when somewhere nice to eat and then you open the conversation. You can say something to the effect of “You know, having that period of a breakup was awful for me. Since we have been re-connecting, it has made me appreciate you even more. I just want to check in. I have been really conscious about trying to express more of my feelings to you etc. (just mention exactly what you are working on trying to improve because of what he expressed he needed) and I want to see how it feels for you. Do you feel like I have gotten better? Do you feel like you would like to see more of it? My heart’s desire is to be a really good partner for you. Is there anything else you feel you would like from me? Is there anything you feel you really like that I am doing and want me to continue?”

So it’s a conversation about the PRESENT and not about the future. You want to get the lay of the land in his mind. You want to have a curious energy so you can learn about him.

What do you think about this?

Oh! I love that you want to surprise him with lunch. Can you do that just because and not get attached to doing anything specific about the anniversary? That might make him feel more pressure than he is ready for. I”m not sure , but it’s better to be on the safer side at this point.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Faith,

I suggest not texting any further. You said what you needed to say and now the ball is in his court. If you truly want to not react or make him feel like you want a relationship, then just let it be. All he wants is sex from you, that’s it. He doesn’t want all the over explaining, all the texting, all the extra communication. Let it go.

If he was drunk, then oh well. He will reach out again if he wants to have sex. Reality is I didn’t need to be thrown in such circles. Reality is, he didn’t throw you in any circles. YOU JOINED HIM! You could have easily stopped all of it by just not participating. You joined because you wanted to. You had your own circles happening inside your head wondering what he was thinking and why he was acting the way he was. So you are just as much a creator in all of this as he is.

Does it feel okay for you to not text him anymore and just let it go? Are you able to allow yourself to just be used for sex and nothing more?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh man Sandy! I’m so sorry you are dealing with pneumonia! Are you starting to heal?? That’s awful!

he claims he’s giving himself to many women but it’s not done anything good for him, A guy who builds his life like this is not really interested in falling in love. He may love a woman for a period of time, but falling “in love” is a completely different level that he most likely will never allow himself to go to. He will only go so far when it comes to attaching himself to a woman. It sounds like he is complete and feels he wants to let you go. He most likely wants to return to his many women scenario and not deal with getting closer and the challenges it presents. It’s easy to manage and detach from women who are just connected to him on the surface.

but I’m not all women as I’ve told him, which still doesn’t do much any good I’m definitely in love with this man, I just don’t know what else to do or say, He has told you to leave him alone, so it’s important to honor his boundary. You may not be like “all women” but he doesn’t care. He is not interested in having a deeper experience with you. You hit his wall. He gave you all he had and now he doesn’t want to give more. It’s not about you saying or doing anything differently, because the issue is within HIM. HE is the one who needs to change. He is the captain driving his boat and he gets to drive it where he wants. You cannot, as the passenger, tell him where to go. Where you want him to go, is somewhere he is not wanting to go, plain and simple.

I’m sorry he has closed the door. It’s best for you to close the door as well and say goodbye to the love you feel. I know this is not what you want to hear. I’m so so sorry.

Thoughts?

Heidi

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