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Oh this is great! You finally know where you are going now AND you got a pay raise! wooohooo!!!! How do you feel?? I imagine still a bit scattered considering your road trip challenges. Where are you at now?
Even though Sarnia may not have the landscape that feeds your soul, I’m glad to hear you will be working with some good people. That’s so important! I imagine that as soon as you get home, you will have to leave again right away. Does the company find a place for you to live or do you have to do that for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. It sounds like you are heading in a direction you really like. If you want to be with this guy and he is not quite ready yet, developing a friendship is a great idea! I love that you all 3 hung out and that you were comfortable with each other. I think it’s wise not to pressure him for a date. He has canceled a few times, so it would be wise to just wait until he asks you out again. Hopefully he will follow through. It may take a while though. How long was this relationship he just got out of? Did he love her?
I think texting and being flirty and light and being a good friend is a great way to just keep your foot in the door. I also do suggest you keep the door open for other guys as well. Are you still going out on other dates or talking to other guys?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I find it interesting that you will not go to a therapist for fear of criticism, yet you are more than willing to step back into a relationship with a guy who is critical of you.
It’s time to face your fear. You have been criticized your entire life. If a therapist criticizes you and judges you, then they are a TERRIBLE therapist and you immediately walk away. It will be good practice for you! If you want to stop this pattern, then you have to start aligning with what you want. Trust yourself. Know that if your worst fear comes true, you will okay. DO NOT let anyone else in your life, including your mother, determine your value. You know you have some wounds to heal from, so find that part of you that really wants that healing and MAGNIFY IT! I was soooooo darn f’d up that I knew unless I did something about it, I would be miserable my entire life. I have had a GAZILLION road blocks to my healing, but every single time, I figure out how to climb over them and keep going…because my healing is more important to me than anything. So go online and start looking for a therapist. Pick 3 and call them up and set up a short consultation. Interview them first. Ask them how they would approach helping you. Ask them about their philosophies. Then set up an appointment with the one you resonate with most. I suggest to give a therapist at least 4-5 visits to really see if they can help. If they don’t help, then move on and keep looking.
What to tell myself to comfort the anxiety? You have a child now. What would you say to your 5 year old if he/she (can’t remember what gender is) came home from school with really hurt feelings? He is crying and saying to you, “they didn’t want me to play with them. They pushed me away and said I wasn’t allowed to build the fort with them and I wouldn’t be invited into the club.” What would you want to do for him? Say to him in that moment?
Heidi
Wow! He is really bonded to his mom. Not surprising considering what he has been through. It sounds like he is really drowning in guilt…although you wouldn’t know it. But for him to say this: “If I were really a good son, I would have found a way to move back to NY by now so my mom isn’t alone.” means that he is constantly feeling like he isn’t enough…he isn’t doing enough, he isn’t a good son, he isn’t everything she needs him to be. He is more connected to that story than the truth and he will torture himself with that story. So imagine…he doesn’t even feel like he is a good son to his mom, how in the world could he feel good enough for any other woman? I imagine that inside his head, it’s a shit show of stories and low self-esteem that are being magnified right now. Even though his mom is not at death’s door, the process has started. It’s the first time in his life that his mom is needing help, which signifies the end. So he IS having to look at death in the face, even though it’s not quite here yet. I also imagine he feels quite alone in this whole thing too. It’s not the truth, but I’m guessing it’s still how he feels. He doesn’t let anyone in.
I also wanted to get back to a question I asked a while ago, but I can’t remember if you answered. What is going on for you that you don’t want to date anyone in the same city as you? I understand you enjoy distance because it creates a level of separation and space and keeps things moving at a slower pace and I believe you mentioned that you like that. I’m guessing you have explored all of that on a deeper level though. What’s the deeper reason for that kind of relationship design?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
This is great information.
Part of me is really wondering if his religion is getting in the way. If I remember correctly, Mormons are encouraged to get married earlier and to marry within the religion. I don’t know how deep into his religion he is bonded. His parents may have had some talks with him, his church leaders may have had talks with him. I don’t know. What I do know is that anyone who is deeply committed and practicing their chosen religion, they need to marry someone who is like-minded.
What are your thoughts on this? How involved is he in his church and religion?
heidi
Oh! I forgot to add…
My thoughts are, do not send him money for the protein shake. Send him a shirt and then write a note. Tell him you miss him, think about him every day and that you are sending a lot of prayers to his mom and that you know it has to be one of the hardes things he has ever had to deal with in his life. Let him know that if he needs anything from you, you are there to support him and that you care.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Do you have any idea how his mom is doing?
If he does have any of those thoughts about the past 30 years, I doubt they are conscious. Honestly, my take is that the biggest impact of why he is behaving to this extreme is because of the loss of his mother. From what you said, he is terrified of death and he is having to face it now, whether he likes it or not. This kind of loss changes a person’s entire world. It changes their identity. It will trigger every single little fear, insecurity, hurt etc. living in the subconscious. If someone is not skilled or emotionally intelligent enough to recognize all the triggers happening, they head into survival mode. For him, that means shutting down. In some ways, breaking up is easier for him because then it’s 1 less person to lose. You have to remember that his fear is so darn big and all his triggers are up and active. It doesn’t matter what you have said to him to re-assure him. His fear and wounds are bigger than your words. To make a more simple analogy, imagine you were terrified of heights and I want you to go to the top of the empire state building with me. Do you really think that my words about how safe it is up there will convince you to go to the top??? No way. You would have to be willing to face your fear and then my words would have some kind of impact to help you move forward. Your guy is just not in that space yet. The fear is too much. His triggers are too big that it’s all just shutting him down – and the loss of his mom is the even that is bringing all of it up. He is basically experiencing a lifetime of thoughts and feelings and wounds and programs and limiting beliefs etc. Death does that. So his survival mechanism is to go into his cave and retreat. If he were more skilled at handling his emotions and strong enough to ask for some professional guidance and help and if he knew how to heal from his past, he would be reacting differently. He is just not that guy who really has the inner drive to do healing work. He holds onto things and stuffs them down and thinks it went away. Then something like losing his mom shows up in his life and his system goes into overwhelm and shuts down. Not that he would consciously understand or have awareness around that though. Does this make more sense? If this is what is happening for him, I get it. I have the same coping mechanism of shutting down completely, but because I know the signs and symptoms, because I have cleared a TON of baggage from my past and because I have a skillset and support system to help me, I am able to keep myself from shutting down and staying present. Even still, sometimes it’s a fight for me as there is no more comforting place sometimes than just going into retreat and shutting everybody out and wallowing in the hurt. LOL. Just being honest. I have an incredible coach who knows how to kick my ass if I start to head there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay…let’s break this down a bit more.
I asked you if there was a pattern of the guys being emotionally unavailable. You said: No. I usually feel loved in a relationship
But then you follow up with describing these common experiences:
1. they criticize you in one way or another
2. they play games
3. they are afraid of commitment
4. narcissistic
5. neglectful sometimesDo you see how you are pairing “love” with these qualities? I’m not saying you are aware of it, but if any of these qualities were to exist in a relationship, it is NOT love. I’m sure you were treated well too and I know these were not the dominant characteristics, but even if these qualities existed a small percentage…it’s NOT love. It’s what is called trauma love…where 2 people are bonded and feel love for each other because of their past traumas / wounds. I know it sounds strange, but it happens ALL THE TIME!!! It’s too hard to explain the psychology of it here and type it all out. I’ll use myself as an example that may help you understand what I mean.
My father was a narcissist and my 2 brothers followed his path of misery. So the males I grew up with were awful and emotionally unavailable. So when I started dated, all I was attracted to were the “bad boys” that were emotionally unavailable. It was what I was used to and it was a challenge to me. I had this thought always running in my mind “If I can get THIS guy…the guy that no girl can get and keep his attention, then I am finally worth loving.” My father and brothers set up that programming for me. It was soooo darn strong because I had millions of repetitions of constantly being rejected, dismissed and feeling like I didn’t matter. Consciously I knew what I was doing and I hated that those were the kind of guys I was attracted to. My programming and wounds were just so strong, that my constant need to “finally” get connection/care from a guy who was emotionally unavailable, controlled me. I tried to like the “nice” guys. I had a pretty strong pattern of liking and dating a nice guy for 2 weeks and then I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I would get bored. Isn’t that funny??? I would get bored with being treated well and connected with! I knew how messed up that was!!!
I finally found an incredible therapist who kicked my ass! We worked VERY hard to connect to the hurts and traumas I was carrying and heal. Eventually, I was able to shift my pattern. It was really tough, but ever since my mid-20’s the bad boy kind of guy who is emotionally unavailable doesn’t catch my attention anymore. No way!!! I love and value myself soooo much now that I don’t waste a single minute with anyone who doesn’t view me the same way…ALL THE TIME! Not just sometimes…ALL THE TIME!!!!
So you have a strong program operating deep within you that is saying yes to these experiences with men who DO NOT view you or treat you with high respect.
He told me how much he suffer and how he can’t stop hating her.
In that moment I understand that regardless what happen – it will be very very hard for me to leave him. So i just sabotaged myself. Why could it be? It’s time for you to start being more discerning. If a guy told me he can’t stop hating his ex, I’m RUNNING the other direction. No way am I going to give a guy the time of day who is going to hold on and be hateful. That would eventually come out onto me and I sure as heck and not going to stick around for that. You however, responded differently – because you have that deep program, full of wounds and hurt, that is running the show.
Does all of this make a little more sense??
Heidi
Hi Faith,
How are you doing processing all of this? Are you able to create some kind of closure for yourself? Are you able to let this guy go yet?
How are you feeling about your boyfriend? Would you be interested in maybe focusing your attentions on him instead?
Heidi
OMG! Rebecca! You are so funny! Enter stage front and center now. I was mistaking you for another person that has only been connecting with Spyce, so I wasn’t checking this thread. Totally my mistake!
Speaking as an experienced avoidant, ABSOLUTELY he is hurting deeply. The way you can tell an avoidant is hurting is by the size of the wall they put up and any passive-aggressive behavior they display. Him sending you the protein mix back was most likely passive-aggressive. It would be an energy of like “F*** you. You hurt me, so now I’m going to hurt you back.” He KNOWS you want connection and this could be a passive aggressive way of showing you he is still there, but he is not going to give you what you want. Not that he is conscious of that. Most people are not that self-aware. I know it’s messed up, but it shows how deeply he is hurting and cares about you…but that love and care is surrounded by gunk right now…fear, hurt, anger, loss of you and his mother etc. He doesn’t have access to the center.
That’s my best guess at least. I know that’s how I used to respond. I remember one time I left flowers on my doorstep with a note from a pretend guy, knowing my ex was coming by to pick up a few things. He opened the door with the flowers in hand and shoved them at me. I, of course, being the manipulate person I was, acted surprised and like I didn’t know what was happening. I KNEW i hurt him deeply which is what I wanted. That isn’t necessarily characteristic of avoidants though. So I could be completely off about him.
Heidi
Hi Megan,
Wow! You really are going through a lot right now and I am so so sorry! Being married to an alcoholic is so incredibly difficult. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to go sober again. Honestly, until he is willing to do that, he will never be happy. He can blame you all he wants, but the truth is, he is unhappy in himself. When someone is so miserable inside, they see the world through that lens. It won’t matter what you do. It will never be enough in his eyes, because HE is unhappy. He needs to get himself right, first and foremost. He needs to get sober and recommit to healthier path before anything can work.
I’m sure you have a lot of work to do inside yourself as well. I’m sorry that you felt the counselor didn’t work for you. Find another one! Keep interviewing and finding different counselors until you get the right fit. It’s such a personal journey, it’s really important to find the right kind of guide.
He has cheated on me twice now and I want to be able to get his trust back and I want this marriage to work. Did you mean to say it this way? That HE cheated and you want to earn HIS trust back? I’m not sure if this is a typo or if there is some missing information. Maybe you want to look at this sentence again and pay attention to your thinking. He broke the trust. He broke his integrity. He needs to be the one building the trust back up with you, not the other way around. Either way, your relationship sounds pretty messy and challenging. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and anger being exchanged between you guys. The only way to truly and deeply create healing is if you BOTH get separate help. He needs to focus on becoming sober and you need to focus on yourself and heal the hurt you are carrying.
I know this is not what you want to hear. When you are dealing with an addict, there are just some hard lines. As long as an addict is active, a relationship with them means extreme chaos, challenge and destruction of love.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Eve,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us!
I am not clear. Were you guys dating before he left? I know you were intimate one time, but were you guys going out on dates and connecting romantically before he left?
When you guys do talk, are you being flirty at all? Is he flirty at all? Is there any sexual energy happening or does it feel purely like friends?
heidi
Hi Rhonda!
How’s it going??? Any news yet? I don’t know why I am even asking because I know you would let us know as soon as you found out. So my guess is, you are still just taking one day at a time.
Dwayne doesn’t sound like a very fun guy. He sounds kind of boring actually. You never know…Sarnia may be hosting the man of your dreams!!!
Have you figured out a new route home yet?
Hi Maria,
It sounds like he is not really motivated to move forward into something at this point. I imagine, being that you guys have a history, that it wouldn’t really be a light, easy dating experience like it would be with someone brand new. He may feel that if he goes on a date with you, he is opening the possibility for a deeper connection. That may be something he is not ready for. With a dating app, he can have all kinds of hookups with no strings attached whenever he has time. This is just a guess of course.
He keeps using work as an excuse, which it may be valid or not. Who knows. What you DO know is that he has canceled 2 or 3x times now. Here is just a general rule of thumb: Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern and 3x is a strong pattern. This is important to pay attention to because 2 or 3 occurrences of the same thing (especially all in a row) means he is going to do it again. The reason why he cancels doesn’t matter. What you are seeing is that he is not following through on his word. That is about integrity. He KNOWS his schedule. He KNOWS when he gets off work and when his days off are. If he has no time and is so busy, why go on a dating app then? If he doesn’t have time, then he is a workaholic, which means he is not available for dating or a relationship anyways. My point being, is that you are making excuses for him and you haven’t even gone on a date with him yet. I would say it’s not the best start. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
There is a lot of important things you have shared and I want to go through it bit by bit.
I am so afraid that he may get fed up with me and I would lose him. It’s so important to face our fears. It’s the only way to get control over our emotions. If you really dig deep into your fear of losing him, you will find some kind of story you have created. Fear is about the future. Fear is a feeling we create around a made up story…something that hasn’t even happened yet! So it’s time for you to imagine fear as a part of you, imagine sitting down to dinner and having a conversation with yourself. What’s the story you have created? Why did you choose this particular story? What’s the worst that you imagine happening? What you said here is what is driving your fear, so it will help you connect to that REAL REASON why you are afraid: I guess it comes from being betrayed by my then husband and it went on from there. I never felt that I was good enough or pretty enough. During my youth I lack self confidence and it made shy away from a lot of things. I still am not sure how I got married in the first place.
The thing is, when someone doesn’t have a STRONG internal love, they will rely on outside sources to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with using outside sources for validation or love, but when it becomes the dominant/main source for feeling confident and valuable, fear of losing that source becomes soooooo big! The real truth is, if you lose him, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! You have been single for 15 years. You KNOW that you are okay without a man in your life…yes?He is the only man who has ever made me feel so special when he is around. Let me give you a scenario. Imagine that you had MANY men, all throughout your life, tell you how special you are, how beautiful you are and made you feel special and like a queen. Would he really be that special to you? Probably not. It’s like you have been in a desert without water for soooo long and all of a sudden, a guy comes up to you and offers you water. You drink it instantly and make him the hero, without really looking at what was in the water. You didn’t look to even see if the water was clean. All you know is that you got some water and this guy gave it to you and he saved you. But if you were walking in the desert with a full supply of water all of the time, the guy that offered you the water would not be your hero and rescuer, but instead a regular guy on your journey. You have been soooo starved for love and connection, yes? I know you have done a ton of healing work, which is amazing! Now you have another level that it’s time to face. I want to encourage you to invite a man into your life from what I call a “love abundance” mindset. Meaning…you have so much love flowing in and out of your life (sourced by you), that you don’t “need” a man to fill you up. If a guy comes and offers you a drink of water, you can take or leave it. You don’t need it though, because you already have an infinite supply of water. From this mindset and way of living, you are able to see each person (friend or lover) from a place of clarity vs. a place of scarcity. Right now and the way you are talking and how you view him, you are coming from a place of scarcity. That’s why this fear exists. It has nothing to do with him. It has to do with YOU not being your own source of love and knowing, in every cell of your being, that you are going to be totally okay without him. If you knew that, through and through, you would have control over your fear and instead of your fear controlling you. I’m not saying you won’t be afraid. It’s normal and natural to be afraid, but it’s an empowered woman who takes control of her fear by facing it. It’s a victimized woman who let’s her fear run the show. Which one do you want to be?
Before he was known as a womanizer. I do want to trust him, how do I deal with this before it gets out of hand. I believe that he loves me because as you say he keeps coming back but what if it is only for sex. He makes sure that he takes care of my needs before he allow his to be met. He is not a selfish lover. Here is another perspective about trust. Instead of putting your trust in him, take it back and trust in yourself. The reality is, in ANY relationship, trust will be broken. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s part of being human. When the trust is broken in the relationship, you need to be able to fall back onto the trust you carry within yourself. That trust says “No matter what he does, I trust MYSELF that I am resilient, resourceful and I know how to heal. I trust MYSELF that I will be okay.” That’s the foundation you build everything else off of. So instead of focusing on trusting others, you need to start building trust within yourself first and foremost. If you keep focusing on “other” you will spend the rest of your life letting fear consume you. You will never find peace in any relationship, because the issue is within you and you will carry it with you always, into every relationship. And FYI…if he is/was a womanizer, there is an underlying lack of respect he will ALWAYS have towards women. Just because he keeps coming back, DOES NOT mean he loves you. A womanizer KNOWS that he waits for the woman to finish first before he has his pleasure, because otherwise he won’t get invited back. He’s an experienced lover Wendy. None of these things have any meaning towards love.
He tells me stop stressing over things. I text him my worries and fears, he reads but he doesn’t respond. I wish he would text me back so I would know what is going on in his mind. What worries and fears are you texting him? This is basically you reaching out to him and wanting HIM to fix YOUR fears. That’s your job, not his.
There is someone else who cares about me, I care about him too but I am so in love with this one. My other friend can probably provide me with material things and so on but he is not my neighbor. I guess I could be contented if I had to choose him but I would always wonder about my being with my neighbor.
this is a lot and I am confused. Again, you are considering this man, just because he is choosing you. You get to do something like that, but if you are looking for passion and love, it starts with you loving yourself first and foremost and facing your fears. This guy that wants to give you everything deserves to have that returned to him. Maybe consider saying “no” since you do not feel that way towards him and give him the gift of freeing him up to search elsewhere for someone who feels the same in return. Just a thought.I know this is a lot that I shared, but it essentially, I’m saying the same exact thing, just in different ways. It’s time to start loving yourself more and to face your fear.
Thoughts?
Heidi
