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Yay!!! You made it home!!! Although there is a lot to clean and get in order, I have no doubt your home is happy to have you there and will appreciate all your love and care as you clean everything up.
Man…I didn’t know Canada was reacting like that about Covid. Every place is so different!!
A $5 raise is a huge deal! I’m glad that at least starting out, you are feeling valued. Keep us updated whenever you have the energy!!! I know you have a lot to deal with right now.
Heidi
Good to hear from you!
I’m so sorry that your update isn’t better news. It sounds like you guys are really separating. I know and understand how deeply you miss him. It’s so very hard! Who knows why he isn’t contacting you, but it’s enough information to know that he isn’t contacting you. That, aside from the reasons, is important. No matter the deeper reasons for him, what he IS saying through his actions of staying away, is that he is not ready/interested in a relationship with you. Despite the strong emotional and spiritual connection and despite the love that he feels, his need for time and space is much greater for right now.
I think what you are doing by leaving him alone, is giving him the greatest gift of all…and that is honoring and respecting what he is asking for. He NEEDS to know that he can feel safe with you…meaning he can feel safe to ask for his needs, set boundaries, feel how he feels and you will respect what he asks for, even though it’s hard for you. This is one of the most important ways to build trust by the way. So my advice is to continue working on yourself, building your self-esteem and building your inner strength. When you do all of those things, you become a much better partner!
And I would recommend saying something to your therapist about how you feel. You can say something like “I understand the focus is to build my self-esteem. That is definitely something I am committed to. I would like to include talking about my past relationship as well. He is part of why I am here and I am really struggling. I miss him in every cell of my body and it’s taking all my efforts to not contact him and I can’t keep going like this. I need help. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and it’s so very important to me. Please help me.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand better where your pain is. Thank you for sharing and sticking through this.
I just feel stupid, i feel idiot that i let him play me. That makes me feel bad and frustrated. Listen. I understand how you feel like a fool. I understand that you feel stupid and like an idiot. This is where the gift is in all of that. This pain that you are having….don’t ever forget it. The gift that this pain is giving you, is that it can make you NEVER want to go through this again. I knew I should NOT, at least, have sex with him. Then he came and what happened? I just did anything he wanted. I knew it’s wrong. I didn’t even want. I just felt that I MUST please him It’s choices like this that bring you into this pain you are feeling right now. You need to be sooooo sick of dealing with men who are not emotionally available to the level you deserve, that you no longer ignore your needs and wants, just so you can connect with a guy. You need to be sooooo sick of being treated this way, that you FINALLY choose yourself and make yourself MORE IMPORTANT than a guy. This is the gift that the pain can bring you. This pain may be just what you needed to be motivated enough to shift your pattern and start to take action and make different choices.
Now, with all of that being said, you are NOT stupid or an idiot. I know you feel like that, but it’s not the truth. We ALL are foolable. I actually have spent YEARS working on not being foolable. One of the coping mechanisms I developed as a child in order to survive abuse, was to read people. If I could understand the hidden signals in a tone of voice, body language, the words that were used, etc….I could somehow know what to expect and brace myself. That skill then crossed over into dating, where I became quite masterful at reading and understanding the subconscious behaviors of people. Of course, I myself was the prime subject I studied intensely, but then studying my dates and boyfriends became second nature to me. I always wanted to know what to expect. I always wanted to be 1 step ahead of the guy. And to be honest, I was/am quite successful. I’m sharing this because even though I have EXTENSIVE knowledge about human behavior, I am still foolable and I get reminded of that every once in a while. And also, it was the pain in my life that helped me develop this skill…which has protected me from stepping into some serious disasters! I worked and worked and worked with healers and therapists, I kept reading everything I could to understand myself and why I made the choices (many times stupid and harmful choices) I was making and how to improve my self-love. When you start with yourself and master yourself, everyone and everything else is sooooo much easier and more clear. Sooooo….you let him play you. You’re human. I don’t know many people who haven’t gone through being played, so be kind towards yourself. You’re just learning…that’s all! You will get back up, you will learn, you will grow, you will step into more of the powerful woman you are and at some point, this pain you feel will shift into inner strength and self-love. This guy, who sooo disrepsected you, is going to actually be that guy who inspired you to new levels of growth and empowerment.
Finally, I would suggest checking out this movie. It keeps popping in my head while I’m writing this, so I’m just going to listen to it and share it with you.
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
First and formeost, DO NOT apologize for how you feel. Everyone is here on this forum because it is a safe place to just be messy, confused, frustrated, hurt etc. and Spyce and I are here to help connect you guys to your truth, your power and help bring more clarity into your situations. Your feelings are all good here! There is nothing to forgive. My guess is, you say sorry a lot, yes?
I just want to give you perspective about what you wrote here:
You say this: I know he’s the right one for me and then you say this: it’s always about him his needs but when it comes to me he dissapear ‘s, for a few days and also I feel so much stress and depressed I don’t some what know if I’m coming or going half of the time, yes I’ve sent money to him numbers of times. I don’t know if it’s he’s using me Do you really believe that the guy for you would treat you this way??? I always teach people that the #1 thing you should be looking for in a partner is how they treat you in their worst moments. When stress shows up, the darker side of ourselves will appear. That dark side is what will determine the success of a relationship. If, in their worst moments, they are verbally/physically abusive or critical, or if they stonewall you, or if they become passive aggressive…these are things that are harmful and cause damage to the relationship. You want to look for someone, who even in their worst moments, is still respectful…plain and simple. Here is an article that describes some of this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/Bottom line is, your relationship with this guy sounds completely out of balance. You give everything and he takes everything. This is not his fault. He gets to be that way! If you want to stay connected to him, this is who he is and what he offers. If you don’t like it and feel confused by it, then you have to take responsibility for yourself and honor your needs. Right now, in how you are talking, you are giving him all of your power.
You say you keep bending over backward for him, but that is YOUR choice. Would you say you are trying to earn his love and affections through overgiving and overextending yourself?
You are not sure if he is using you. There is a really simple way to find out. Stop giving him money and see what happens. Is that something you are willing to try?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I know you so desperately want to have your friend back. Your fantasy of you both leaving your spouses and building your own lives together is just not realistic. Relationships that are built from lies typically don’t last and again, you actually don’t know the guy very well, so everything you have built up in your head about who you think he is, are all stories you have created in your mind, without evidence. Let’s deal with what you do know though – that is evidence that this relationship will not work – He is not willing to leave his wife AND the worst of it is….he is verbally abusive.
I always teach people that the #1 thing to watch out for when looking to fall in love, is who they are in their worst moments. When people are under stress, you see their darker sides. This is sooooo important to see, because it is the foundation and determining factor of whether a relationship will last or not. You can have a million amazing moments together and then have 1 argument where someone is abusive, critical or harmful to the the other – and that will do A LOT of damage. It will start to ruin and erode away the joy of the good moments together. John Gottman has studied relationships for decades on a very deep level. He wrote about the 4 horseman. He found through tons of research that if these qualities existed in a relationship, it wouldn’t last. Here is a basic article about the 4 horseman. It’s important for you to read so you can understand that you guys are not set up for a successful relationship AND on top of that, you haven’t even lived in the same area. Abuse is already happening and you haven’t even lived in person with each other. If it’s happening now, it only will magnify and get worse in person. And just FYI…verbal abusers have high potential of escalating into physical abusers. My purpose in telling you all of this is to try and bring you more into the reality of your situation vs. you living in the fantasy of what you think is happening.
Here is the article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
I have this guilt feeling that I probably did not respect him that’s why things happened. Since I’m clingy to him, I feel that I did not gave him his personal space, asked and expected too much. So he verbally abuses you and criticizes you and you are feeling guilty for not giving him enough respect??? Do you see the disconnect that is happening here between your thinking and fantasy vs. reality? The reality is, HE DOESN”T RESPECT YOU because you don’t respect yourself. Someone who respects them, DOES NOT tolerate criticism on any level. They walk away from that relationship. The fact that you blaming yourself for the disconnect that has happened instead of looking at EVERYTHING that is happening, is your victim mentality. In reality, relationships NEVER flourish when abuse of any kind is present. Relationships NEVER flourish when they are built on lies.
I know that in saying all of this and my efforts of trying to open your eyes to the reality of the situation you are wanting to repair, most likely will not change the fact that you want to be with him anyway. You may just need to learn all of this by stepping into it and finding all of this out on your own. I know I’ve had to do that many times in my life, so I get it.
What I would suggest is for you to stop being clingy. It’s a HUGE turnoff for men. You mentioned you are sending emails in efforts to try and repair this. What are you saying in those emails? How many have you sent?
Heidi
What?? How come you can’t go see him graduate? Is a vaccine required for you to enter the U.S.? My goodness! You must be heartbroken! How do you feel about missing his graduation??? I’m so sorry! That usually is a pretty big deal for parents.
Wow….you have soooooo much happening for you right now Rhonda. I’m sending so many prayers in your direction as you transition. Smart move to ask that woman about kayaking. Do you have one or do you rent them? I’ve used the blow-up kind and they are pretty cool! Even though there are not any mountains, at least you will have the water and occasional trips home. I love that they give you a travel allowance. It sounds like you are all set and it’s just a matter of walking through the process now.
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I am so so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now. Losing love and connection is one of the hardest things to deal with. It does get better over time.
I am wondering, what are you missing from your marriage? It seems you are not really invested in your husband. What is keeping you with him? You have been emotionally cheating for quite a while and I imagine that has really impacted your husband. Has he not noticed anything off or weird??
In some ways, this guy friend of yours was right. Your relationship was a fantasy. You both are married and not in open relationships and living in separate countries. What were you expecting? Were you wanting him to leave his wife and you leave your husband and you would be together forever?
I’m quite concerned that he is critical and verbally negative towards you when he gets upset. Is that really how you will allow yourself to be treated? Do you treat him the same way? This is a pretty big red flag and an indicator of a couple that will fail at some point. Everything you have shared are things that cause a relationship to break, not stay together. You guys have chemistry and connection, but that is just not enough. You guys don’t have the necessary skills or a solid foundation to actually build a real relationship that is honest, healthy and honoring to each other. I think he is doing what needs to be done and that is honoring that it’s not going to work between you guys and it’s time to say goodbye.
You are depressed and of course you would be. This is a pretty intense loss and it feels horrible. What are you doing to help yourself? Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Would you be willing to maybe get some help from a coach or therapist? It’s so helpful to have other come along side of you and help you through something like this.
Heidi
Hi Sandy!
What’s going on? Would you mind sharing more of your situation? I’m not sure what your question is or what exactly you would like help with, so sharing as much detail as you feel comfortable will be helpful.
Heidi
Hi Aleda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Let’s break this down a bit and see if we can figure out a path for you that feels good.
First, what is REALLY important is that regardless of how you feel, it’s CRUCIAL that you pay attention to how he functions. You are giving this guy your heart and telling him that you love him, yet you barely know him. You don’t know what he is like in public, how he treats your friends, who his friends are, how he responds when he is angry and deeply hurt, how he handles his finances etc. He doesn’t even know a lot of that about himself yet. Being in prison changes a person, so when he gets released, he has to get to know himself all over again and figure out how to function in life. I know you have intense feelings and there is great chemistry, but that DOES NOT mean it’s going to be a good relationship. I want to invite you to just slow down a bit. Of course, your feelings will remain intense, but along side those feelings, get grounded in reality. The last guy that I had intense chemistry with, was a disaster!!! He was bipolar, extremely angry and resentful towards women, yet we both lit up when we saw each other and we would talk every time we saw each other (at Starbucks) for a few hours. We could have talked for days…nonstop. Despite the intense attraction I felt, I would not give in. I knew that it would be a complete sh*** show if we actually became romantic. It took everything in me to stay away and just remain friends. My point in sharing this is that you don’t want to let your feelings lead you. Your chemistry and intense connection need to sit in the back seat and the part of you that is in charge of gathering information needs to sit in the front seat and lead you. He has to EARN your love. He earns it through time and experience together privately and publicly…something you guys don’t have yet.
I feel like I was overbearing and pushed him away being too clingy. Did he tell this to you? It sounds like his way of coping with stress or disappointment from someone, is to shut down. You said he communicates less when you are asking him to communicate more. I can see how he might feel like you are being too clingy or overbearing, but I’m curious if you are assuming this or if he actually said those words to you.
I think the best way to save this is to actually LISTEN TO HIM! He has told you how he felt about needing space, especially once he is released. He is not available for a relationship right now and I gotta say….I agree with him. Men operate very different than us ladies. For a man, getting his life together, getting a job and creating solidarity is CRUCIAL CRUCIAL CRUCIAL!!! It’s THE MOST IMPORTANT thing for a man. For us ladies, relationships and connection are the most important to us. If our jobs and lives were all messed up and unstable, as long as we have our connections and relationships solid, we are good to go and we can manage. It’s one of he main differences between men and women and how we instinctively function. So he DOES need to get himself situation before he is able to be any good for you. I suggest that you give him space and support him instead of trying to pull him into a relationship with you that he is not ready for. Is that something you are willing to do? If yes, we can then talk about specific ways to do that.
Heidi
Oh this is great! You finally know where you are going now AND you got a pay raise! wooohooo!!!! How do you feel?? I imagine still a bit scattered considering your road trip challenges. Where are you at now?
Even though Sarnia may not have the landscape that feeds your soul, I’m glad to hear you will be working with some good people. That’s so important! I imagine that as soon as you get home, you will have to leave again right away. Does the company find a place for you to live or do you have to do that for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. It sounds like you are heading in a direction you really like. If you want to be with this guy and he is not quite ready yet, developing a friendship is a great idea! I love that you all 3 hung out and that you were comfortable with each other. I think it’s wise not to pressure him for a date. He has canceled a few times, so it would be wise to just wait until he asks you out again. Hopefully he will follow through. It may take a while though. How long was this relationship he just got out of? Did he love her?
I think texting and being flirty and light and being a good friend is a great way to just keep your foot in the door. I also do suggest you keep the door open for other guys as well. Are you still going out on other dates or talking to other guys?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I find it interesting that you will not go to a therapist for fear of criticism, yet you are more than willing to step back into a relationship with a guy who is critical of you.
It’s time to face your fear. You have been criticized your entire life. If a therapist criticizes you and judges you, then they are a TERRIBLE therapist and you immediately walk away. It will be good practice for you! If you want to stop this pattern, then you have to start aligning with what you want. Trust yourself. Know that if your worst fear comes true, you will okay. DO NOT let anyone else in your life, including your mother, determine your value. You know you have some wounds to heal from, so find that part of you that really wants that healing and MAGNIFY IT! I was soooooo darn f’d up that I knew unless I did something about it, I would be miserable my entire life. I have had a GAZILLION road blocks to my healing, but every single time, I figure out how to climb over them and keep going…because my healing is more important to me than anything. So go online and start looking for a therapist. Pick 3 and call them up and set up a short consultation. Interview them first. Ask them how they would approach helping you. Ask them about their philosophies. Then set up an appointment with the one you resonate with most. I suggest to give a therapist at least 4-5 visits to really see if they can help. If they don’t help, then move on and keep looking.
What to tell myself to comfort the anxiety? You have a child now. What would you say to your 5 year old if he/she (can’t remember what gender is) came home from school with really hurt feelings? He is crying and saying to you, “they didn’t want me to play with them. They pushed me away and said I wasn’t allowed to build the fort with them and I wouldn’t be invited into the club.” What would you want to do for him? Say to him in that moment?
Heidi
Wow! He is really bonded to his mom. Not surprising considering what he has been through. It sounds like he is really drowning in guilt…although you wouldn’t know it. But for him to say this: “If I were really a good son, I would have found a way to move back to NY by now so my mom isn’t alone.” means that he is constantly feeling like he isn’t enough…he isn’t doing enough, he isn’t a good son, he isn’t everything she needs him to be. He is more connected to that story than the truth and he will torture himself with that story. So imagine…he doesn’t even feel like he is a good son to his mom, how in the world could he feel good enough for any other woman? I imagine that inside his head, it’s a shit show of stories and low self-esteem that are being magnified right now. Even though his mom is not at death’s door, the process has started. It’s the first time in his life that his mom is needing help, which signifies the end. So he IS having to look at death in the face, even though it’s not quite here yet. I also imagine he feels quite alone in this whole thing too. It’s not the truth, but I’m guessing it’s still how he feels. He doesn’t let anyone in.
I also wanted to get back to a question I asked a while ago, but I can’t remember if you answered. What is going on for you that you don’t want to date anyone in the same city as you? I understand you enjoy distance because it creates a level of separation and space and keeps things moving at a slower pace and I believe you mentioned that you like that. I’m guessing you have explored all of that on a deeper level though. What’s the deeper reason for that kind of relationship design?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
This is great information.
Part of me is really wondering if his religion is getting in the way. If I remember correctly, Mormons are encouraged to get married earlier and to marry within the religion. I don’t know how deep into his religion he is bonded. His parents may have had some talks with him, his church leaders may have had talks with him. I don’t know. What I do know is that anyone who is deeply committed and practicing their chosen religion, they need to marry someone who is like-minded.
What are your thoughts on this? How involved is he in his church and religion?
heidi
Oh! I forgot to add…
My thoughts are, do not send him money for the protein shake. Send him a shirt and then write a note. Tell him you miss him, think about him every day and that you are sending a lot of prayers to his mom and that you know it has to be one of the hardes things he has ever had to deal with in his life. Let him know that if he needs anything from you, you are there to support him and that you care.
What do you think?
Heidi
