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This is VERY normal! Allow those thoughts to come through and give them an avenue to COME OUT! Distracting yourself means you are just trying to make yourself feel something different and avoid them. That’s what your guy does. He never dealt with his feelings, but instead ran from them – and see what it does to connection and love? FEEL what you need to feel and journal about them, tap about them, dance your feelings, take a tennis racket to a pillow and get angry. Feelings NEED to be paid attention and MOVE instead of staying stuck in the head where it will torture you with looping and looping and looping. They DO NOT go away with distraction and they are not supposed to. It’s these HARD days where you double down on the skills I have shared with you. Take ACTION towards your feelings, not away from them….or you will be no different than him.
So tell me….what are going to DO to help yourself?
Heidi
Hi Heidi,
I was hoping to continue our conversation. Maybe you only had this membership for a short period of time. I don’t know….but you are still connected here, come on back and let’s keep talking about dating and how to approach everything.
Heidi
YES! You have gathered more pieces of yourself back to you. You are slowly strengthening. You can function a little better now and you are getting back to the YOU that you feel good about.
(something he accused me of doing to him, which was really confusing in the end). Of course this is confusing! VERY mixed messages. I totally get why he did that, but only because I am an expert and have done deep work on myself to understand what and why he did. For you, it doesn’t matter. The fact that is happened IS what matters and all that matters in the end. I stopped trying to figure out people a long time ago and just accepted who they showed they were and either accepted it or moved on. The “why” is THEIR path and all I need to do is keep focusing on my path and strengthen my ability to love and be loved.
You are doing a great job Cindi! It’s okay that you keep looking. Anybody would! And yes, one day you will forget to look and you will know that you are healing on new level.
Keep going! You are doing great!
Heidi
I finally decided it’s okay no matter what he does. This is the MOST IMPORTANT place for you to come to. It doesn’t matter what he does anymore. That is you unplugging from him and starting to take back your power. YES YES YES!!!!!! I’m so proud of you. You are getting it!
He either wasn’t able to drop it off, which is likely being that he can’t even keep a date with you, because he is so busy…or he is being passive-aggressive. Regardless, what you DO know is that he has broken his integrity AGAIN. It is a pattern where he says he is going to do something or be something and then NOT follow through. He is showing you that you cannot believe nor trust what he says. He has broken trust and safety on sooooooo many levels. He is NOT a safe person and you learning how to keep turning your attention back onto yourself is about YOUR healing…not only from the loss of him, but also healing the MANY years where you made “other” more important than yourself. WELL DONE!!!!!
Heidi
But I’m also glad I had the strength to say goodbye in my own way, with my own voice. Remember this! No matter the pain that comes with a choice, something ALWAYS feels really good at the same exact time, to make a decision from your OWN power and voice. You just discovered how strong you really are, in the midst of great pain, fear, and heartache. That should tell you something about yourself!!! You have it in you! And you got a taste of what it feels like to stay empowered and how that can bring some level of peace even in the darkness.
Of course you are dreading seeing that key. It really is symbolizing and ending and it hurts. AND…in a very strange way, you will get to rest because there IS an ending. Deep down, your psyche really needed to create closure and until you do that for yourself, there is no moving forward and past the hope. So even though you are going to cry a lot more and still hurt, you will let the hope finally die so you can move forward. This is hard Cindi. Keep tapping, keep doing your mindfulness practices, keep exercising, keep doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to support yourself and find joy, even in the smallest moments. Something I do when I am really struggling, is I will go buy a dozen roses and then go to the grocery store and hand out a rose to 12 different strangers. Sometimes I just smile and say have a beautiful day and sometimes I offer a compliment with the rose, but either way…I cannot tell you how powerful it is to offer love and connection with 12 strangers, knowing I gave them a moment in their day that was unique, unexpected, and full of love and light. Why not take your kids along with you and give them a few roses to pass out as well. It will fill your hurting heart with love and smiles and can help you heal. Anything of that nature, where you are bringing light into the world, whether with people, animals, nature….it ALL helps! Maybe connect with a shelter and offer to walk the dogs once per week. Go to an aquarium and get lost in the magnificent beauty and magical beings that live in the water. Go somewhere you have never been and smell, see, taste something BRAND NEW. CREATE NOVELTY in your life that connects you to something sooooo much bigger and greater than your heartache. It helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Hayley,
I imagine you were not a fan of my response, as it didn’t really support what you wanted to make happen. I completely understand if that’s how you felt. Let’s keep talking about this! I think that if you can start to approach this relationship with a different kind of perspective and acceptance, you will find more peace with him, even if you are not getting everything you want. Or…maybe you know that since you are not going to get certain things from him, it’s best to move on. I don’t know.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Seow,
I thought I’d check in and see how you received what I wrote. Let’s keep talking! It sounds like you are at the end of your rope, so it seems on the more urgent side that you start to learn different ways to connect with him and yourself that support strengthening your connection instead of destroying it.
Heidi
Cindi!!!!! I am soooooo proud of you!!!! It was a very sweet and kind and connective ending from your heart. You touched him with your love, even in the hardest moment for you. Do you know how much strength that took??? You took ACTION in a very honoring way for BOTH him and you. And he responded. Closure is coming your way. I know that’s not what you wanted, but you need it so you can heal. I wish I could just give you the HUGEST hug right now! This is the beginning of you becoming MUCH stronger internally and putting your love and goodness out into the world in a way where you don’t lose yourself in the process. Even though you have pain and grief from the loss, there is celebration at the same exact time. YOU loved yourself all on your own.
It’s over. NOW….you can begin the real healing. Nothing will be left tying you guys together and as painful as it is, it also will free you from the torture that hope kept bringing in.
Keep crying Cindi. You are grieving so much more than just him. These tears have been a long time coming, so you just keep feeling them and trust that your system needs to do this. One day at a time.
Keep talking to me!
Heidi
Go ask the front desk. Let them know you gave out a spare key and that person is not giving it back. Ask if you can make payments or something for them to switch the locks. I have done that before in an apartment complex and it’s something they are equipped to handle….OR…just let it go. He will drop the key whenever he does and you still continue to create closure on your own. Let him know that he can drop the key at the front office of your complex and they will return it you, or let him know when you will NOT be home so he can drop it off under your mat. Either way, make arrangements to NOT see him. This is how you will get your key back. Besides, your hope is still alive, so you need to squash it out completely by NOT giving yourself a way to see him. It’s over Cindi. Keep reminding yourself of that every time hope creeps back in.
I want to encourage you to start to practice using your OWN voice, even with me or your therapist. Just because a therapist tells you to say something or just because I tell you NOT to say something, OWN IT YOURSELF! What do YOU feel is the best thing to do? Don’t lose yourself in “expert” opinions either.
Now you have 2 expert resources. Next time, when you are trying to make a decision, BEFORE taking action, ask BOTH me and your therapist about our opinions. Then make your decision according what YOU want to align with. This is how you start to make YOUR voice and YOUR opinion matter. This is how YOU stay empowered instead falling back into the pattern of constantly deferring to someone else, expert or not. Even if you what you decide to do creates an outcome you don’t want, you own it and learn from it and keep moving forward. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m honestly not a super fan of what your therapist is suggesting to say and here are 3 reasons why:
1. It’s setting you up AGAIN for you needing HIM to do something specific so you can feel okay and that is a lifelong pattern of yours of handing your power away to other people. If you want to have a different kind of outcome with a man, you HAVE to learn to take ownership of your own well-being instead of waiting around for someone else to say, do, or be something FOR you, so you can feel whatever it is that you are after.
2. Remember how he felt like your life revolved around him? Well that’s exactly what this statement is saying to him which RE-INFORCES why he broke up in the first place. You are just telling him once again, that HE is responsible for YOUR feeling of closure. That kind of comment will only validate his feelings about breaking up with you.
3. HE IS COLD!! This statement you want to text him is you asking him to care about how you feel and to someone who is trying to end things the way he is, he is NOT going to care about how you feel. He has shown that to you over and over and over again…HIS feelings matter, NOT yours. So you want to set yourself up for rejection again? You want to once again, put your feelings out there for him to ignore? All this statement is going to do is create irritation for him, not care. It’s a “needy” statement and he will instantly feel that and be glad he ended things.
It’s time you take your OWN hurt and pain and handle it yourself. You actually DO NOT need the key to create closure. There is NO truth in that. If that were actually true, then just change the locks, so his key is invalid. Simple fix. CREATE CLOSURE YOURSELF!!!!! You can do this!
My guess is, BECAUSE you are not done and still holding onto hope, this key is the LAST reason you have to talk with him or see him. So the key is becoming the focus instead of you taking matters into your own hands. What you are REALLY hoping for is another reason for contact with him. So instead of creating closure on your own, WITHOUT HIM, you are creating a way to keep your hope alive through this key. Of course you get to do that, but it will only prolong the suffering. It’s up to you.
Heidi
Hi Hayley!
Welcome! Thank you for explaining your situation and being here to learn! It sounds like you have pretty strong feelings for him.
I’m just going to stop you in your tracks. There is ONE thing that really needs to be addressed here. HE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN. It doesn’t matter whether you believe his age is an issue or not, because it’s not about YOU. It’s about how HE feels about it. His children have grown and he has been there and done that and doesn’t want to start all over again. It’s be like you graduating from high school and then get told you need to go back to kindergarten and do it all over again. How would that make you feel?? Or…how would YOU feel if he spend his time and energy trying to convince you that you DON’T want a child?? How would it feel for you to have someone trying to change you instead of accepting that YOU know what is best for yourself. By you wanting to change his mind, means you are making yourself an authority on how he should feel. This is a recipe for disaster. No person appreciates not being accepted for EXACTLY who they are.
So first and foremost, LISTEN to what he says he wants and if what he wants is a deal breaker for you, then accept that, instead of trying to make things the way YOU want. That kind of thinking is exactly what causes breakups down the road and I don’t think you want something like that. I imagine you want a healthy, respectful, nourishing connection where BOTH you and him feel accepted and loved and cherished for WHO YOU ARE and NOT who the other person wants you to be…yes? If you want that kind of love, then you have to BE that kind of love as well. Thoughts?
Second, is there a rush here? You guys barely know each other. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 8 years. You guys are BRAND NEW in the romance department which is a very different arena to navigate AND you only see each other 3 days at a time. What’s the rush? I know you want him to move there, but what about his kids? THEY NEED A FATHER to be present in their lives until they go out on their own. It’s absolutely appropriate for him to stick with THEM and continue to help shape them before heading off into the world on their own.
I’m really not seeing how him moving to Australia is a healthy thing, especially when you guys are so new to each other AND he has young kids AND you want different things. I understand you have strong feelings and how amazing that feels! It’s powerful and it absolutely would make you want to build a life with him. But what’s missing here is a critical piece – he is NOT able to offer you what you want. You want to remove those blocks, but at the expense of his kids having a father and at the expense of what he KNOWS he wants (not having another child)…all so you can get what you want. Is that how you want to set up the relationship?
Heidi
I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is and how shocking it is to have someone sooooooo loving and connective turn out to also be so cold. I’m so sad for him and I’m so sad that it didn’t turn out for you the way you imagined and had invested in.
One day at a time Cindi.
Heidi
Well done Cindi! I love that you are bringing your kids into this as well. There are many many layers to work through and you are steps in a positive direction, even though it’s still incredibly painful.
my brain fights me on it, and that’s typically when I break down. It’s hard to let go of the idea that I found someone who’s willing to do this thing with me, even though it’s complicated, and hard. That someone who loved and talked to me that way is cold and gone. Part of why your brain fights against what is happening, is there are holes in your understanding about how trauma works, how baggage works, and how the psyche works. You carry a very innocent and young belief that if he was so amazing and good and made you feel the way you did, that he would never be unhealthy, toxic, or uncaring towards you. Both can absolutely exist in a person and because you don’t understand how that is created in one person, it just doesn’t make sense. AND, you have said many times “I would never treat someone this way” so it just doesn’t make sense to you that things turned out this way, when they didn’t need to. I get it. There are A LOT of things we don’t get about how other people behave. Rapists, murderers, players, con artists and the list goes on full of toxic people in this world. Do you understand THEIR behaviors and choices? Nope. That’s why I am saying it doesn’t matter. All that matters is HOW HE IS and whatever happened in his life to create this cold, disconnected man after being so open, is about HIS journey. All you really need to know is that he is wonderful AND he is toxic, harmful, and has narcissistic tendencies. His shadow side impacts his best sides and all together, he just doesn’t add up to being a good partner for ANY woman. Like you have experienced, he broke trust and safety with how he handled all of this and even if you guys worked things out and he didn’t quit, the joy you had with him before, would be slightly less because in the back of your mind, you would remember how he treated you and broke safety.
So even though your brain fights you, you also have a part of your brain that KNOWS he did not belong on the pedestal you created for him and that although he was fantastic and made you feel amazing, it was ONLY when things were good, so his connection, openness, care, and love had some serious limits and did not sustain when challenges showed up. THAT is real too.
Keep going Cindi! Every single day is one more day you made it through and you should ALWAYS give yourself some SERIOUS props for that. What you are navigating is so tough! So keep encouraging yourself and celebrating yourself for making it through another day!
Have you heard back from him at all about your key and earrings?
Heidi
Hi Seow!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all your thoughts!! There is sooooooo much to talk about and unpack, far deeper than you aware of, so stick with me as we navigate all of this. I am seeing a lot of misunderstandings, so let’s start by helping you to shift perspectives, so you can feel more empowered about how to move through your situation.
First, it is absolutely obvious that you are alpha, a leader, and a problem solver. What is VERY important to understand, is that ALL of our greatest strengths, are also our greatest weaknesses 100% of time. So, while you are a leader and a problem solver and many times, it’s needed, helpful, and purposeful, it can also be harmful when you are problem solving when what you really need to be doing is just letting the situation be and NOT problem solve. Maybe it’s better just to listen. Maybe it’s better to not control the outcome and just let it unfold however it does. Maybe it’s better NOT to get involved at all and let someone deal 100% with their own problems. You are independent….a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL quality and it has served you in a million ways. It has strengthened you and it has sourced your confidence AND that independence also go in the way of you being able to receive the gifts he was offering you when you said “Stop buying me anything. I can buy whatever I like myself”. I know it was more about not feeling aligned with the gifts he was offering you AND it’s always important to pay attention with what comes out of your mouth, as it IS an expression of some part of how you feel. Are you able to see how the best, most amazing parts of you also can shoot you in foot and be harmful to connection? This will ALWAYS be true for the rest of your life. It’s nothing we are able to change, it’s more that we recognize how we are sabotaging sooner than later and we course correct. Whenever the shadow side of our gifts are being activated, it’s letting us know about the “fault lines” that live within our system – the “cracks” in our foundation that exist because of lies, low self-esteem, trauma, past hurts and wounds…basically, our “baggage” lives in our fault lines. So when we are showing up in an ineffective way, EVEN THOUGH we think we are helping and doing good, it lets us know that our baggage is being activated.
Here is an example…you helped him through the divorce. You “saved” him. You did things that he didn’t feel he was capable of and you helped him through the worst part of his life. You took on the role of being his rescuer. And while your heart was super caring and loving and you had compassion for him, all you did was enable him. You set yourself up to be his “savior” when what REALLY needed to happen, was for him to save himself. He could have gotten professional help. He could have handled his ex in a different way. He has NO CLUE how strong he really is now, because he tied his ability to get through this challenging situation to YOU. And that will instantly muck up any kind of love and connection, because you have been set up from the beginning as his savior and he is the victim that cannot take care of himself. So while you were doing something from your heart and with good intention, it also harmed the connection, it harmed him, and it harmed the love that was being built on this VERY shaky foundation.
So now….you BOTH are dealing with the long term consequences that were destined to show up at some point and the foundation is breaking. Is it fixable? Well, the ONLY way to repair this connection is for you BOTH to start operating differently and for you BOTH to stop the destructive ways that you connect. It’s not all destructive, but enough of it is, that’s its breaking your connection. From the beginning you viewed him as the victim and incapable of handling his toxic ex wife. Did you ever consider what was happening inside of HIM, that he chose to bond himself to this kind of woman in the first place? And that LEARNING how to separate from her was a NEEDED lesson for him so he could strengthen himself? Only a guy with a lot of low self-esteem would choose a wife like that. Separating from her was the PERFECT time for him to repair that low self-esteem. But instead, you came to the rescue and actually robbed him of some of the most important lessons he needed to learn. You didn’t believe he was capable, therefore he never learned that he was. And YOU came to the rescue, because I’m guessing that is a deep need of yours. Somewhere, deep inside, being the rescuer gives you your value…it helps you to feel loved. I know this pattern well, because I functioned the same exact way. I watched myself choose men over and over and over again who put me on this pedestal because I “saved” them or I “inspired them” or I “was like nothing they have ever experienced before.” But in reality, I was choosing men who were quite damaged SO THAT I could hear those words. I was taught that I was not lovable otherwise. It was my “winning formula” which is the formula I used to “sell” to others to show I was valuable and hide my imperfections. It worked every single time…AND there were always consequences to this design, because it set me “above” my partner where I was much more higher functioning than him. It throws off the balance.
So…if you really want to fix this love and connection, the first place to start is getting to know yourself. Start to really look at your choices, your patterns, your thoughts, your habits, the roles you are constantly placing yourself in and pay attention to the energy that sources all of it. Let’s be clear though…it’s NOT about what you do, it’s about the energy that sources what you do. You are in such a strong leadership type of role 24/7, that you were unable to be in a receiving state when your guy was giving you gifts, regardless of whether you liked them or not. What does that tell you about yourself? I’d say you are quite uncomfortable letting someone else lead and allowing yourself to rest sometimes. Does this resonate for you? Or not?
I’ll stop there, because I already shared a lot and I don’t want to overwhelm you. I love that you are here and open to learning, so be honest if what or how I am sharing, is ineffective for you. Working over this computer is extremely difficult sometimes as I’m trying share some very complicated and deep concepts.
Here is a story that may help you understand better what I was explaining: https://youtu.be/dQ26D_Ck158?si=OE1pkhN4QaqtW8K_
I just want to address what you said, but this is also a BIG topic with a lot of layers to it. I found myself thinking “oh boy, this is hard. so much is expected of a woman in a relationship?” We need to be independent, interesting, presentable, take care of our looks, be understanding and supportive, yet be demure and know how to behave with a man and so forth…. I can absolutely see why you would have these thoughts and feelings. I want to encourage you though. You have a perspective that is missing the target here and that’s why it would feel exhausting for you. First and foremost, NONE OF THIS is ever meant to be “for a man.” Everything you described are actually meant to be NATURAL effortless ways of being as a woman. The fact that it feels like “work” to you, means there are missing parts of your feminine side that are not alive and functioning in your life. I’m wondering, how often to you activate your softness, your receiving side, your allowing vs. pushing side, your nurturing side? I’m wondering, being an alpha female, it’s SUPER easy to get caught up in being strong more from the male side of yourself vs. the female side of yourself. This was a long journey for me as well. Growing up with narcissist father, 2 brothers and 8 boys down that street as my playmates, my male energy side became VERY over-developed. It served me of course, having boys as my friends and being a high powered and successful athlete. AND…it harmed me when I entered into a relationship and trying to activate my soft, compassionate side. I could easily activate my sexual side, put on a dress, do my hair and makeup and turn some heads, but that was a very limited expression of my female side. It goes soooooo much deeper than that. If you want to keep talking about this, let’s dive in!
And lastly, I do want to encourage you. I know that you feel bitter, angry, and resentful. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel that way. If you REALLY want to save your relationship, those are feelings that HAVE to be dealt with, faced, honored, and worked through DIRECTLY. Do you have someone who can help you clear those feelings out, so you can start being more available for connection and healing the challenges with your guy?
I would happily share the info. of my coach. She is the most brilliant person I have every come across and her methods, techniques, and approach works sooooo fast….as long as you willing to do the work. She is tough and she is very used to working with incredibly high functioning and high powered people in this world that run companies. With everything that you are feeling and going through, I would recommend some expert help and support. If this interests you, let me know and I will send her contact info. to your email.
In the meantime, let’s keep talking.
Heidi
Let’s break this down a bit:
I would like assurances that he is taking this seriously How would you KNOW that he is taking this seriously? What is he doing and/or saying that would make you feel like he is invested and not just playing around?
there is potential to build towards something real and long term and that we’re both going to put in effort to construct a good foundation. What is a good foundation to you? What does that EXACTLY entail? What KIND of effort are you looking for from him?
But I do have fear around letting him back in and if it becomes toxic or push pull then the amount of stress I’ll experience What the DEEPER issue here is, you don’t trust yourself. So what that it becomes toxic or has a push/pull. You are not stuck. You can leave anytime you want. You are NOT trapped by HIS choices. The amount of stress you experience has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with YOU and the stories you are telling yourself about whatever is happening. Any stress that shows up, is just letting you know about those stories that are running in your system. And one of those stories is that you don’t trust yourself for some reason. You don’t trust that you can handle whatever shows up. You don’t trust your resilience. The reality is Laura, no matter the relationship, there are going to be moments of BIG stress, there are going to be moments of push/pull, there are going to be moments where trust is broken. It’s normal! So you have to trust yourself implicitly BECAUSE all of those things are going to happen.
Self trust is saying “No matter what he chooses, no matter what happens between him and I, I am resilient. I am resourceful, I am intelligent, I can heal, and I will be okay.” When that kind of belief in yourself is running through your veins, whatever it is that you choose or he chooses, you have confidence that is NOT based on him being what you need him to be, in order to feel okay.
The thing is, when fear comes up, it instantly activates higher needs for control, to avoid the exact thing we are fearful of. And then, we end up making all kinds of decisions, based on fear about something that hasn’t even happened yet! So imagine this Laura…what if you weren’t afraid? What if you just let him be who he needed to be WITHOUT having a discussion about what’s next? What if you just got very clear about your standards and then you just took one day at a time? What if you could feel completely peaceful just observing and watching yourself and him and let his actions and words over time, guide what feels comfortable for you vs. asking for HIM to offer assurances…which by the way, is just a bunch of words that have no foundation because as you already know, his words and actions were thwarted by his feelings for his ex. You just never know what is going to happen either for you or for him…it’s the reality of life. So again…what if there were no fear? Your fear is causing you to feel attached to a very specific outcome, therefore increasing your need to control so you don’t get hurt again. I know I’m repeating myself here, but sometimes saying it in different ways can help people.
So my guidance is to face your fear, instead of looking at him to relieve that fear for you. That’s just a bandaid.
Thoughts?
Heidi
