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Oh Rhonda!!!! This is sooooo fabulous!!! Wow! It all worked out soooo beautifully. I am so darn excited for you to be so close to the Marina. That’s HUUUUUGE! It’s going to make this next year so much easier. You have been taken care of 🙂
Dean! That’s the name I was searching for. I imagine he knows when you will be available, yes? I wonder if he is going to ask you out. Would you say yes if he did? I know you don’t have much time, but it’s good practice. When’s the last time you went on a date in person?
Heidi
Hi Sheri,
What a brave and courageous woman you are! He is so very lucky to have a woman like you, who is willing to do and try all kinds of things to make this marriage work. It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection!
Like Spyce said, there are a lot of unknown layers to unpack here. Sexuality, as I’m sure you are learning, is an expression of who we are on many, many levels. I love that you are exploring yourself first and foremost, especially since you have been sexually assaulted! I’m sooooo so sorry you had to go through something like that. It’s awful. Have you ever seen a therapist about that particular topic?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tantra. I love the whole philosophy. One of my favorite people to learn from is Michaela Bohm. She is part of the Kashmir lineage and branch of Tantra. Her whole practice, which is to empower women, is about getting people to experience life, fully and completely, using the body as a vehicle. She invented a technique to help manage intense emotions called non-linear movement. It’s great stuff! Here is her website. She is spectacular!!! Check out her book as well. Very powerful! https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
I have a few questions for you. I know you are doing a lot of work on yourself, but I’m curious where you are at with all of it.
I also feel like whether he desires me or not, I am a desirable woman and conscious giving lover and making and exchanging love with me is a gift to any partner I choose to share those gifts with. You are saying all of the correct things here, but I’m wondering how well it is put into action. There are women who leak of energy of a strong, divine, feminine goddess full of sexual, sensual and powerful energy. They walk, talk and behave with that energy at their core. There is a confidence about them that tends to turn heads. That’s what I mean by putting that truth that you ARE a desirable woman in action. Are you walking like that? Talking like that? Dressing like that? Treating your body like that? Eating well and exercising to also care for you body like that? Because you also said:
I feel my sexual desires are becoming needy, obsessive and self-abusive as feelings of unattractiveness, unworthiness, and unlovable are on repeat in my head and body. Now we all have those 2 sides…the high self-esteem and low self-esteem. The positive thoughts about ourselves and the negative thoughts about ourselves. That will never go away. What does change over time, through healing and conscious re-programming, is which side of you is in the driver’s side and for how long. What percentage would you say you feel desirable compared to feeling unattractive and unworthy?My fear is staying in something past the expiration date simply because I agreed to stick around. I understand your fear. I’d like to invite you to trust yourself. NOBODY is done until they are done. If you stay past the expiration date again, then you will be okay! If there is one thing you should know about yourself, it’s that you are resilient. You figure it out and you get back up on your feet. You are interested in staying awake, connected to the truth and empowered in your life. That is at the CORE of who you are. Trust that about yourself. Anytime this fear comes up, you remind yourself that you are going to be okay, no matter what happens. That for today, you are choosing to stay and that’s okay. Always bring yourself back to the present moment. You are going to keep making that choice, every single day, to stay…until you don’t. If and when that time should arrive, you will deal with it at that time. But for now, you know where you want to be. Let yourself be aligned with that choice and have it be okay that you want to stay.
How wise us it to bring up/ question him about his ex/friend?Is there another area where I leave it alone and let him reconcile within himself or do I push him to speak about it? I’m curious…what kinds of questions are you wanting to ask him about? What are you wanting to know about her and him?
Lastly, my first inclination is that his testosterone levels need to get tested. I have no doubt there are some emotional things influencing his sexuality, but I’m also wondering if there is something physically going on. That would be the place I would start and would want to rule out. Is that something he would be willing to do? Also, is he taking any medications? I’m wondering if there are some side effects that influence his libido. Something just feels strange to me about him and I can’t put my finger on it. I know this is an awful thing to think about and my guess is, you have already had this thought….is there a possibility of him having an affair? It wouldn’t be unusual for a guy, under stress, while his wife was recovering from surgery, to find ways to relieve himself. It’s even possible he cheated just once, while you were recovering, and the guilt just eats him alive and shuts him down sexually with you.
Lastly, is he aware about how you truly feel? Does he know you are working on healing yourself sexually? Does he know how you are struggling with him?
Heidi
Yes…your job is definitely the kind of job that would get in the way of dating. Hopefully you either find a guy who has a flexible schedule and lots of money so he can come visit you wherever you are or you will retire soon and get to grow some roots. Do you plan on seeing that guy that’s the leader of the meetup group while you are home? Derek? Shoot…can’t remember his name…lol
Man, 40 hours is a loooooong drive. I’m sure you’ll get some good books to listen to.
Hi Liza,
This is great to hear!!! I’m glad you are feeling more liberated. That feels good, right?
I’d like to ask…the new design of your relationship doesn’t sound so spectacular. It sound like he is not very curious about you, even as a freind. Would you say that’s accurate?
Heidi
Hi Claire,
What an interesting situation you are in. Thank you for sharing. You are asking a really great question.
Would you mind sharing a bit more detail?
How would you feel if he started dating someone else?
Have you ever had obsessive behavior over a guy before?
Do you have any other obsessive behaviors in other areas of your life?
Let’s say you do lose him as a friend. What are you afraid will happen? afraid to loose him.What is this about? Can you explain further?Heidi
and p.s. You are such a loving and caring mom to support your son graduating in the best way you know how. I’m so sorry you can’t be there, but you sure are doing the next best thing. Well done!
Yay!!! You made it home!!! Although there is a lot to clean and get in order, I have no doubt your home is happy to have you there and will appreciate all your love and care as you clean everything up.
Man…I didn’t know Canada was reacting like that about Covid. Every place is so different!!
A $5 raise is a huge deal! I’m glad that at least starting out, you are feeling valued. Keep us updated whenever you have the energy!!! I know you have a lot to deal with right now.
Heidi
Good to hear from you!
I’m so sorry that your update isn’t better news. It sounds like you guys are really separating. I know and understand how deeply you miss him. It’s so very hard! Who knows why he isn’t contacting you, but it’s enough information to know that he isn’t contacting you. That, aside from the reasons, is important. No matter the deeper reasons for him, what he IS saying through his actions of staying away, is that he is not ready/interested in a relationship with you. Despite the strong emotional and spiritual connection and despite the love that he feels, his need for time and space is much greater for right now.
I think what you are doing by leaving him alone, is giving him the greatest gift of all…and that is honoring and respecting what he is asking for. He NEEDS to know that he can feel safe with you…meaning he can feel safe to ask for his needs, set boundaries, feel how he feels and you will respect what he asks for, even though it’s hard for you. This is one of the most important ways to build trust by the way. So my advice is to continue working on yourself, building your self-esteem and building your inner strength. When you do all of those things, you become a much better partner!
And I would recommend saying something to your therapist about how you feel. You can say something like “I understand the focus is to build my self-esteem. That is definitely something I am committed to. I would like to include talking about my past relationship as well. He is part of why I am here and I am really struggling. I miss him in every cell of my body and it’s taking all my efforts to not contact him and I can’t keep going like this. I need help. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and it’s so very important to me. Please help me.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand better where your pain is. Thank you for sharing and sticking through this.
I just feel stupid, i feel idiot that i let him play me. That makes me feel bad and frustrated. Listen. I understand how you feel like a fool. I understand that you feel stupid and like an idiot. This is where the gift is in all of that. This pain that you are having….don’t ever forget it. The gift that this pain is giving you, is that it can make you NEVER want to go through this again. I knew I should NOT, at least, have sex with him. Then he came and what happened? I just did anything he wanted. I knew it’s wrong. I didn’t even want. I just felt that I MUST please him It’s choices like this that bring you into this pain you are feeling right now. You need to be sooooo sick of dealing with men who are not emotionally available to the level you deserve, that you no longer ignore your needs and wants, just so you can connect with a guy. You need to be sooooo sick of being treated this way, that you FINALLY choose yourself and make yourself MORE IMPORTANT than a guy. This is the gift that the pain can bring you. This pain may be just what you needed to be motivated enough to shift your pattern and start to take action and make different choices.
Now, with all of that being said, you are NOT stupid or an idiot. I know you feel like that, but it’s not the truth. We ALL are foolable. I actually have spent YEARS working on not being foolable. One of the coping mechanisms I developed as a child in order to survive abuse, was to read people. If I could understand the hidden signals in a tone of voice, body language, the words that were used, etc….I could somehow know what to expect and brace myself. That skill then crossed over into dating, where I became quite masterful at reading and understanding the subconscious behaviors of people. Of course, I myself was the prime subject I studied intensely, but then studying my dates and boyfriends became second nature to me. I always wanted to know what to expect. I always wanted to be 1 step ahead of the guy. And to be honest, I was/am quite successful. I’m sharing this because even though I have EXTENSIVE knowledge about human behavior, I am still foolable and I get reminded of that every once in a while. And also, it was the pain in my life that helped me develop this skill…which has protected me from stepping into some serious disasters! I worked and worked and worked with healers and therapists, I kept reading everything I could to understand myself and why I made the choices (many times stupid and harmful choices) I was making and how to improve my self-love. When you start with yourself and master yourself, everyone and everything else is sooooo much easier and more clear. Sooooo….you let him play you. You’re human. I don’t know many people who haven’t gone through being played, so be kind towards yourself. You’re just learning…that’s all! You will get back up, you will learn, you will grow, you will step into more of the powerful woman you are and at some point, this pain you feel will shift into inner strength and self-love. This guy, who sooo disrepsected you, is going to actually be that guy who inspired you to new levels of growth and empowerment.
Finally, I would suggest checking out this movie. It keeps popping in my head while I’m writing this, so I’m just going to listen to it and share it with you.
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
First and formeost, DO NOT apologize for how you feel. Everyone is here on this forum because it is a safe place to just be messy, confused, frustrated, hurt etc. and Spyce and I are here to help connect you guys to your truth, your power and help bring more clarity into your situations. Your feelings are all good here! There is nothing to forgive. My guess is, you say sorry a lot, yes?
I just want to give you perspective about what you wrote here:
You say this: I know he’s the right one for me and then you say this: it’s always about him his needs but when it comes to me he dissapear ‘s, for a few days and also I feel so much stress and depressed I don’t some what know if I’m coming or going half of the time, yes I’ve sent money to him numbers of times. I don’t know if it’s he’s using me Do you really believe that the guy for you would treat you this way??? I always teach people that the #1 thing you should be looking for in a partner is how they treat you in their worst moments. When stress shows up, the darker side of ourselves will appear. That dark side is what will determine the success of a relationship. If, in their worst moments, they are verbally/physically abusive or critical, or if they stonewall you, or if they become passive aggressive…these are things that are harmful and cause damage to the relationship. You want to look for someone, who even in their worst moments, is still respectful…plain and simple. Here is an article that describes some of this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/Bottom line is, your relationship with this guy sounds completely out of balance. You give everything and he takes everything. This is not his fault. He gets to be that way! If you want to stay connected to him, this is who he is and what he offers. If you don’t like it and feel confused by it, then you have to take responsibility for yourself and honor your needs. Right now, in how you are talking, you are giving him all of your power.
You say you keep bending over backward for him, but that is YOUR choice. Would you say you are trying to earn his love and affections through overgiving and overextending yourself?
You are not sure if he is using you. There is a really simple way to find out. Stop giving him money and see what happens. Is that something you are willing to try?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I know you so desperately want to have your friend back. Your fantasy of you both leaving your spouses and building your own lives together is just not realistic. Relationships that are built from lies typically don’t last and again, you actually don’t know the guy very well, so everything you have built up in your head about who you think he is, are all stories you have created in your mind, without evidence. Let’s deal with what you do know though – that is evidence that this relationship will not work – He is not willing to leave his wife AND the worst of it is….he is verbally abusive.
I always teach people that the #1 thing to watch out for when looking to fall in love, is who they are in their worst moments. When people are under stress, you see their darker sides. This is sooooo important to see, because it is the foundation and determining factor of whether a relationship will last or not. You can have a million amazing moments together and then have 1 argument where someone is abusive, critical or harmful to the the other – and that will do A LOT of damage. It will start to ruin and erode away the joy of the good moments together. John Gottman has studied relationships for decades on a very deep level. He wrote about the 4 horseman. He found through tons of research that if these qualities existed in a relationship, it wouldn’t last. Here is a basic article about the 4 horseman. It’s important for you to read so you can understand that you guys are not set up for a successful relationship AND on top of that, you haven’t even lived in the same area. Abuse is already happening and you haven’t even lived in person with each other. If it’s happening now, it only will magnify and get worse in person. And just FYI…verbal abusers have high potential of escalating into physical abusers. My purpose in telling you all of this is to try and bring you more into the reality of your situation vs. you living in the fantasy of what you think is happening.
Here is the article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
I have this guilt feeling that I probably did not respect him that’s why things happened. Since I’m clingy to him, I feel that I did not gave him his personal space, asked and expected too much. So he verbally abuses you and criticizes you and you are feeling guilty for not giving him enough respect??? Do you see the disconnect that is happening here between your thinking and fantasy vs. reality? The reality is, HE DOESN”T RESPECT YOU because you don’t respect yourself. Someone who respects them, DOES NOT tolerate criticism on any level. They walk away from that relationship. The fact that you blaming yourself for the disconnect that has happened instead of looking at EVERYTHING that is happening, is your victim mentality. In reality, relationships NEVER flourish when abuse of any kind is present. Relationships NEVER flourish when they are built on lies.
I know that in saying all of this and my efforts of trying to open your eyes to the reality of the situation you are wanting to repair, most likely will not change the fact that you want to be with him anyway. You may just need to learn all of this by stepping into it and finding all of this out on your own. I know I’ve had to do that many times in my life, so I get it.
What I would suggest is for you to stop being clingy. It’s a HUGE turnoff for men. You mentioned you are sending emails in efforts to try and repair this. What are you saying in those emails? How many have you sent?
Heidi
What?? How come you can’t go see him graduate? Is a vaccine required for you to enter the U.S.? My goodness! You must be heartbroken! How do you feel about missing his graduation??? I’m so sorry! That usually is a pretty big deal for parents.
Wow….you have soooooo much happening for you right now Rhonda. I’m sending so many prayers in your direction as you transition. Smart move to ask that woman about kayaking. Do you have one or do you rent them? I’ve used the blow-up kind and they are pretty cool! Even though there are not any mountains, at least you will have the water and occasional trips home. I love that they give you a travel allowance. It sounds like you are all set and it’s just a matter of walking through the process now.
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I am so so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now. Losing love and connection is one of the hardest things to deal with. It does get better over time.
I am wondering, what are you missing from your marriage? It seems you are not really invested in your husband. What is keeping you with him? You have been emotionally cheating for quite a while and I imagine that has really impacted your husband. Has he not noticed anything off or weird??
In some ways, this guy friend of yours was right. Your relationship was a fantasy. You both are married and not in open relationships and living in separate countries. What were you expecting? Were you wanting him to leave his wife and you leave your husband and you would be together forever?
I’m quite concerned that he is critical and verbally negative towards you when he gets upset. Is that really how you will allow yourself to be treated? Do you treat him the same way? This is a pretty big red flag and an indicator of a couple that will fail at some point. Everything you have shared are things that cause a relationship to break, not stay together. You guys have chemistry and connection, but that is just not enough. You guys don’t have the necessary skills or a solid foundation to actually build a real relationship that is honest, healthy and honoring to each other. I think he is doing what needs to be done and that is honoring that it’s not going to work between you guys and it’s time to say goodbye.
You are depressed and of course you would be. This is a pretty intense loss and it feels horrible. What are you doing to help yourself? Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Would you be willing to maybe get some help from a coach or therapist? It’s so helpful to have other come along side of you and help you through something like this.
Heidi
Hi Sandy!
What’s going on? Would you mind sharing more of your situation? I’m not sure what your question is or what exactly you would like help with, so sharing as much detail as you feel comfortable will be helpful.
Heidi
Hi Aleda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Let’s break this down a bit and see if we can figure out a path for you that feels good.
First, what is REALLY important is that regardless of how you feel, it’s CRUCIAL that you pay attention to how he functions. You are giving this guy your heart and telling him that you love him, yet you barely know him. You don’t know what he is like in public, how he treats your friends, who his friends are, how he responds when he is angry and deeply hurt, how he handles his finances etc. He doesn’t even know a lot of that about himself yet. Being in prison changes a person, so when he gets released, he has to get to know himself all over again and figure out how to function in life. I know you have intense feelings and there is great chemistry, but that DOES NOT mean it’s going to be a good relationship. I want to invite you to just slow down a bit. Of course, your feelings will remain intense, but along side those feelings, get grounded in reality. The last guy that I had intense chemistry with, was a disaster!!! He was bipolar, extremely angry and resentful towards women, yet we both lit up when we saw each other and we would talk every time we saw each other (at Starbucks) for a few hours. We could have talked for days…nonstop. Despite the intense attraction I felt, I would not give in. I knew that it would be a complete sh*** show if we actually became romantic. It took everything in me to stay away and just remain friends. My point in sharing this is that you don’t want to let your feelings lead you. Your chemistry and intense connection need to sit in the back seat and the part of you that is in charge of gathering information needs to sit in the front seat and lead you. He has to EARN your love. He earns it through time and experience together privately and publicly…something you guys don’t have yet.
I feel like I was overbearing and pushed him away being too clingy. Did he tell this to you? It sounds like his way of coping with stress or disappointment from someone, is to shut down. You said he communicates less when you are asking him to communicate more. I can see how he might feel like you are being too clingy or overbearing, but I’m curious if you are assuming this or if he actually said those words to you.
I think the best way to save this is to actually LISTEN TO HIM! He has told you how he felt about needing space, especially once he is released. He is not available for a relationship right now and I gotta say….I agree with him. Men operate very different than us ladies. For a man, getting his life together, getting a job and creating solidarity is CRUCIAL CRUCIAL CRUCIAL!!! It’s THE MOST IMPORTANT thing for a man. For us ladies, relationships and connection are the most important to us. If our jobs and lives were all messed up and unstable, as long as we have our connections and relationships solid, we are good to go and we can manage. It’s one of he main differences between men and women and how we instinctively function. So he DOES need to get himself situation before he is able to be any good for you. I suggest that you give him space and support him instead of trying to pull him into a relationship with you that he is not ready for. Is that something you are willing to do? If yes, we can then talk about specific ways to do that.
Heidi
