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Hi Myo,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions. I’m glad you are here as I would like to suggest a different approach. First, I want to validate that what you are feeling is good! Your caution and your need to slow things down is important and wise. There is a different way to communicate your boundary which will keep his heart open and inspire him to want to support you.
First, how you want to say things has an energy to it of pointing the finger at him, as if he should know already. It will cause him to feel confused and defensive, which is NOT what you want. The rule of thumb when setting a boundary, is to talk about yourself and what you need in order to feel supported. You are TEACHING him about yourself. When you say something like “I felt like my boundaries were overstepped” what he is going to hear is that he did something wrong. If you think about it, how would he know he is crossing your boundary? So he isn’t actually crossing a boundary of yours (in his mind) because he doesn’t even know it’s there. Make sense?
Instead, you want to say “I’m not comfortable going on this vacation yet.”but I’m also feeling a bit scared and overwhelmed. This is YOUR issue, not his. What specifically are you afraid of? What is making you feel overwhelmed? Again, saying these things to a guy who has NO IDEA who you are and is just wanting to get to know you, to tell him you feel scared and overwhelmed is making him responsible for things he has no idea he is doing. Your fear and overwhelm are coming from past experiences that he has nothing to do with. There is a different way to say everything that you are feeling, without causing him to feel negative about any of it.
I really like you, but as a female, I also have to think about my safety in relationships. It would be helpful if you can take my perspective as a woman in consideration. Again, all he will hear if you say this, is how wrong he is and how he didn’t consider you. While that may be true from your perspective, from HIS perspective, he is just excited to spend time with you and create some fun memories. I know PLENTY of women who would jump at the opportunity and have NO hesitation to go on a vacation with a guy they really like, so soon. So your perspective, as a female, is personal and NOT a general female perspective.
Here is what I would suggest you say (in your own words, of course). “I really am so excited for this new journey we are starting together. We are still so new, so I’m not quite comfortable yet going on vacation with you so soon. How about we revisit the vacation idea in 3 months?” That’s all you really need to say. You don’t need to go into depth, into all your feelings or share anything personal. If he asks more questions, you just simply say “I just have to honor how I feel and that means that for today, I don’t feel comfortable. But who knows…maybe in a few weeks I will shift. What I promise you is that as soon as my feelings about it change, you will be the first to know and we can plan something fun and amazing.”
Now, if you want to share your reasons with him for being so scared, then feel free to do that! It’s up to you. I’m guessing you have had some physical/sexual trauma before. It’s a GOOD thing you are being cautious and wanting to set boundaries! I’m just saying you want to communicate it differently. You are being very wise and cautious, which I wish everyone were. He IS moving fast, but that’s okay. It’s your job to say what you feel cozy with and then he gets to respect it. It’s all just part of getting to know each other.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Claire,
Thank you for sharing more details and being vulnerable here. There is a lot to break down in what you said, so let’s just keep having a conversation about everything.
The first thing I’d like to say is that “Emotions are NOT facts.” Emotions are just an expression of whatever story our minds have created about what happened. That story can easily be full of lies and misguided perceptions. Whatever story you are attaching to at any given moment, generates and fuels our feelings and emotions. So what you are feeling is based on the story you have about him, how you believe he perceives you and the fears that live inside of you. What you are feeling is NOT fact. You have the power to shift your story into anything you want, therefore shifting what and how you are feeling. So let’s go over the story you have created about yourself and about him.
I’m still embarrassed. And now I also feel judged and misunderstood. He cannot make you feel anything that doesn’t already exist within you. From what you have explained so far, I don’t see any judgment from him. I just see that he sees you could use a more self-love. Everything he is saying is accurate and could be said about him and about thousands of people on this planet, myself included. We ALL could use more self love. We ALL have low self-esteem, we ALL have high self-esteem. So you feel embarrassed, judged and misunderstood. I imagine you have felt that many times in your life. Is there someone who has made you feel like that a lot in your life? Mom? Dad? Sibling? Ex-boyfriend? Teacher? Because what I see is that your “friend” is running from intimacy, is insecure and fragile and maybe he is judging and misunderstanding you, but not because of you, but because of his own messiness. ANYONE who judges us, criticizes us or tells us how we need to be more, is someone who is projecting. I mean let’s really think about this….he is telling YOU that you need more self-love in order to find what you are looking for??? All the while he thinks he is falling in love with his roommate whom he’s only known for a week or so? hahaha! What HE is doing is not loving himself at all! He is actually harming himself by opening the floodgates to his heart with someone he barely knows. He is not being careful and slowly entering starting to date someone and spending a good amount of time getting to know someone. He is jumping in and going for it without a care in the world for himself or for how it affects you. That is NOT self-love. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. He obviously has no awareness around this, but his opinions about you are projections of himself. People project onto each other ALL THE TIME and they have no clue they are doing it and very rarely own up to it. It’s a fragile psyche that points the finger at someone else. Does this make sense?
Bottom line is, he is not all that great either. He is hopping into fantasy land about this new girl and he will get a wake up call at some point. It’s his choice and he gets to learn his lessons that way. It doesn’t change how heartbreaking it is for you to lose your friend.
it was coming off like a criticism of what I need to fix about myself. As if I’m too messed up to love or be loved. I’m even more ashamed now that he saw me be vulnerable and this was his take away. It triggers my fear that I will be rejected if I show that side to anyone. Here is the truth Claire…you are resilient and so much stronger than any fear you have. We ALL have been rejected in our vulnerabilities and we ALL will have those experiences again. It’s just a part of life and there is no getting away from it. You WILL be hurt again and again and again by people that you open up to. It’s just because we are human and we mess up. You will reject others in their vulnerabilities as well. So being that this is unavoidable, we may as well deal with it, right? Choosing to close up is not the answer. Of course, you need to be discerning with who you open up to. But even at that, when you choose to open up and you get rejected, the GREATEST gift you are being offered is an opportunity to love and bond with yourself as you move through the rejection. Instead of handing your power over to the other person and let THEM define your value, you take your power back and love yourself. You connect to this truth….you are loveable, you are worth knowing, you are worth fighting for, you are worth going through life with whether or not the guy in front of you sees it that way or not. This is about you KNOWING your value NO MATTER WHAT!!! Your friend choosing this new girl over you, DOES NOT change your value, so his rejection of you is showing you where you are disconnected from that truth and giving you an opportunity for healing deeper inside. His rejection and limitations have hurt you…now it’s time to love yourself, connect to yourself and be really gentle and compassionate with how you are feeling.
He broke my trust and privacy. So now I have lost him. Take it back. Take back the power you gave him. Here is another perspective about trust. First and foremost, it’s essential we have trust in ourselves. The trust we put in other people will ALWAYS be broken in some form or fashion. People let us down and you will do the same. So again…let’s deal with that fact and learn how to handle it in healthy ways. Trust is actually more about you and your relationship with yourself. Instead of putting trust in someone else, trust yourself. Here is what I like to say to myself when I am facing some big fears and want to shut down…”I trust myself that no matter what happens, no matter what this person does to let me down or hurt me, I WILL BE OKAY!!! I trust I am resilient, I trust I am resourceful, I trust I will choose to heal, I trust I will do whatever it takes to forgive and heal and move forward in the best direction.” That is where your trust belongs. Does this help?
Still my big fear is loss of that deep friendship, Loss of potential friendships with others and loss of this whole scene that I’ve come to love. I’m afraid of the crippling loneliness that seeps in when I don’t see or touch anyone for days. Im afraid of having nothing to look forward to each day. And I’m afraid that he’s right and I am too messed up to love or be loved. You have a lot of stories in these few sentences that are generating a ton of fear. “Crippling loneliness” “Nothing to look forward to” “loss of friendships” …what if you created another story? This is a technique I call “Finish the story.” Every time you say “I’m afraid of crippling loneliness” you are basically allowing your story to stop there and then play on endless repeat. What about the other half of the story? What about the positive side of the story? What about finishing the story by saying “AND I will be okay. AND I will learn about myself. AND I am NOT alone. AND I am still loveable. AND I am resilient etc.” Every single time you say a negative thing in your mind, follow it with the positive side. It’s how you re-program and start to create new stories to invest in and control the looping effect those negative stories have on your life.
I’ve said a lot and there really is so much more to say. Hopefully this isn’t too overwhelming for you. Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
What is Melaleuca? I know you have mentioned it a handful of times, but I thought it was another company you were interviewing for in the oil industry, but it sounds like it’s a completely separate thing. Melaleuca is actually the real name of tea tree oil. Did you know that? Tell me about it!
No worries at all about your response. I was just checking. My guess is, being that you have been struggling with depression, being “caged up” as you said is just magnifying it and like you have said before, going numb is a mechanism you do when stress is higher. So you feeling “brain dead” and like a zombie would just be a symptom of overload to your system. ANYTHING you can do that is creative, will help a lot. It sounds like you have a few of those projects to work on, so that’s good! Hang in there Rhonda. You are going through a lot and there are a ton of adjustments you are dealing with and facing. Keep telling yourself “It’s okay to feel. It’s safe to feel. I am safe and no one is hurting me. I give myself permission to feel everything I need to etc.” It’s so important to get the emotion flowing so journaling, talking into a recorder, dancing etc. will help with all of that.
Wow! You don’t like movies??? That is so rare! I LOVE LOVE LOVE movies. Probably too much…lol. How about listening to some podcasts. Brene Brown has a wonderful podcast!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
How did what I say affect you? It feels like your message was polite but not full of your true thoughts and feelings. What’s going on?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You are almost there! I can see why you would feel like a criminal. Your choice and freedom has been taken away for 2 weeks, so you definitely are getting a sense of what different kinds of people feel like. It’s interesting isn’t it? You have an idea of what a prisoner would feel like or like what you said…what the Jews must have felt like. I think it’s quite special actually. You are gaining a deeper understanding about yourself and humanity. What a gift you are being given…if you choose to look at it that way. You should watch the movie “Hurricane.” Denzel Washington plays a professional boxer who gets accused of a crime he didn’t commit. He said something once while he was in jail that was quite powerful. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something to the effect of, prison is only in the mind. Even though he was still in jail, he still had a lot of choice and freedoms that no one could ever take away from him. It may be an encouraging movie for you at the moment. This may be messing with your mind, but you are stronger than all of that crap. You have 100% choice and control with the perspective you align with. You have another week to go, so how can you make it an incredible week? Focus on what you DO have instead of what you don’t have.
The guys sound fun fun fun!!! I’m glad you are getting a lot of attention!!! It’s perfect timing isn’t it? It’s good entertainment while you are housebound! Just have fun with all of it. None of it has to mean anything other than enjoying the attention and having some interesting experiences, right?
Heidi
Hi Sheri!
It sounds like you are doing really well with staying connected to yourself. You are continuing your practices and you are still learning and growing. That truly is the most powerful thing you can do to shift any situation. When you shift your energy, your thoughts, your feelings, your perspectives, it can change the entire relationship.
Is your guy willing to go get tested possibly? If you can find a good Sexologist, that may help. It’s hard to treat anything until you know the cause. I know his libido is low, but the reasons for that are soooo many and a Sexologist specializes in that and can help with a treatment plan. Here is a good article explaining this field of study: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sexologist-explained-psychology-sex-counseling_l_5d10fdc7e4b0a3941866ecc3
You also may want to check out a Netflix documentary called “strip down, rise up” It addresses the relationship women have with their bodies and their sexuality/sensuality. I would also suggest watching “Embrace” Here is the trailer: https://www.amazon.com/Embrace-Taryn-Brumfitt/dp/B01MSAZVDS
funny thing is the more we talk about his potential trauma the more I think that maybe it is me and my unchecked sexual trauma that is inhibiting us, or at the very least a combo. It’s always a combo. We are co-creators in life and that means that all of our stuff will mix with all of the stuff of another person and it all just gets mixed in 1 big pot. No one is ever to blame and it’s just what relationship is. Trying to decipher who is doing what and why can be maddening. All we can ever do is offer love and acceptance of who a person wants to be, face our own stuff and grow and hopefully you have a partner who is willing to do the same.
About his ex. What if there was more than just a friendship with her? What if there is a special bond between them? What would you do with that information?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
Oh goodness. I’m sooooo sorry to hear about this. It’s awful to be used like that.
I really want to encourage you to be kind and compassionate to yourself. You are just wanting to connect and feel love and this guy was not that person. I understand you wanting to retreat and just stay to yourself. It’s pretty awful to hurt like this.
I want to remind you though….you are resilient. You somehow made it through your childhood of being beaten, tortured and molested. You raised 3 children and now they have children. You are soooooo much more than what happened in your childhood. You are more than this hurt you feel right now. If you can survive something as horrifying as your childhood, you can absolutely endure this hurt you are feeling right now.
I know you are tired. I get it. I have been where you are so many times, I can’t even count. I will be there again and again and again. It’s part of life. I too had a horrific childhood and I have had to work very hard to keep getting back up. I also had some help. Are you willing to see a therapist??? Having someone objective and skilled, act as a guide while you navigate your life is so incredibly helpful, especially when you get tired like you are right now. You are not alone and you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You are worth loving, knowing, fighting for whether a man thinks so or not. I’m single and have been for quite a while. I have made the CHOICE to love myself, connect to myself, honor myself even when a man is not in my life. A man DOES NOT define your value! You define your value.
So right now, you need to be fighting for more in your life than letting this a***hole steal your joy. You are giving this guy your power. You are letting his choice to use you, destroy the beauty that is in life all around you. He doesn’t deserve that much power. Take back your power and start to fight to find the beauty in your life. Even if it means going for a walk and finding beauty in all the flowers that are starting to bloom. You WILL recover from this, you can learn from this situation so you don’t do this again and you can take back your life, your joy and your power. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! I know how scary it is to admit that you are having an affair. That is definitely something that people judge, but you have a safe space here. Spyce and I have heard it all and our deepest desires are to help you connect to the truth, empower you with information and then help you make the best decision for yourself.
The main red flag here is that if this guy is cheating with you, the odds of him cheating ON you are very high. Have you ever considered that? In general, people who cheat on their partners are being inauthentic. They have needs and desires they are not willing to communicate to their partner, so instead they break their integrity and lie. I know you want to be in a relationship with him, so this is something to really consider. You have strong feelings for him and those strong feelings are creating a story about the kind of relationship you think you will have with him. I imagine that part of that story does not include being cheated on by him, but it’s a likely outcome. My guess is, he is not a very good communicator. He would rather run away from how he is feeling in his relationship than to be honest. My guess is, that’s his coping mechanism and then to add on top of that, he is now lying and cheating with you. My guess is, he doesn’t have very good skills at being in relationship. On top of that, if you think that building a relationship with him where the foundation began with lying and cheating is going to turn out “happily ever after” your fantasy will soon burst. Bottom line is, relationship are hard enough just as they are, but then you add on things like these and you are asking for a shi**** ton of drama and hurt. Do you know what is stopping him from leaving his girlfriend?
Here is just a general piece of advice: when choosing a partner that you want to give your heart to, you need to choose them according to their worst qualities and not their best qualities. The good qualities are easy and wonderful. The not so pretty qualities are what will make or break a relationship (and studies have shown that over and over and over). Who is he in his worst? How does he treat you, treat others, treat himself when he is under high stress? What you DO know already is that he is willing to break his integrity and lie to his partner. In those hard moments, for a relationship to work, there needs to be respect and emotional safety. Anything short of that, the relationship will absolutely break unless things are worked on/healed. You need to be able to truly love and respect your person and feel loved and respected, even in the most challenging times. Is him being a cheater, something you can love and respect about him? He is showing you who he is and what he is willing to do to avoid being honest with his partner. Is that someone you are willing to hand your heart over to?
I know I can say all of these things to you and it doesn’t change what you want. When the sex is good and the connection is good, a person wants more and more of it. It’s like a drug. I sure don’t blame you for wanting more with this guy. He feels good and who doesn’t want more of that? Does he know how you are starting to feel about him? I think that if you want to really be with this guy, it’s important for you to express your desires and then you can see where his mind is at. Is that something you would be willing to do?
Lastly, the question I ask everyone when they are wanting something from someone they cannot have, is “what is it that he is giving you, that you are not giving to yourself?” So many times, we are looking to others to fill us up. Of course other people are meant to help us out and support us, but the main source of love needs to be coming from within us. You have set yourself up for failure. You have consciously chosen to get involved with a man who is not available to freely offer you what you want and truly desire. What is happening inside of you that would cause you to say yes to cheating? What’s missing in your life that you would say yes to being the other woman and causing harm not only to another woman, but to yourself? What is it that he is bringing into your life that is worth breaking your own integrity?
I know I asked a lot of questions and shared a lot of concepts. Let’s keep working through this. There is a way to bring your situation into integrity if he is willing to join you.
Heidi
Hi Rashanda,
Wow! You are going through the ringer right now. We all know what that feels like. It’s devastating to watch your love slip through your fingers and watch your future fall apart. You have created a life, a forever life, with him in it and now it’s being destroyed. It hurts so bad!
You are being incredibly brave and courageous. What are you doing to help yourself right now? It’s so important to be very very gentle and compassionate with yourself. If you like movies, watch movies that are encouraging where the main character is overcoming something extremely challenging (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun or Men of Honor or G.I. Jane). Listen to encouraging podcasts, read books that remind you of truth and connect you to your power. Put flowers everywhere in your room, take baths, get a massage, watch funny videos, go meet new people with your dog, get a coloring book etc. You need to be doing SEVERAL things EVERY SINGLE DAY to help you through this extremely difficult time. It won’t take the pain away, but it will make you stronger and more resilient.
Heidi
Oh Rhonda!!!! This is sooooo fabulous!!! Wow! It all worked out soooo beautifully. I am so darn excited for you to be so close to the Marina. That’s HUUUUUGE! It’s going to make this next year so much easier. You have been taken care of 🙂
Dean! That’s the name I was searching for. I imagine he knows when you will be available, yes? I wonder if he is going to ask you out. Would you say yes if he did? I know you don’t have much time, but it’s good practice. When’s the last time you went on a date in person?
Heidi
Hi Sheri,
What a brave and courageous woman you are! He is so very lucky to have a woman like you, who is willing to do and try all kinds of things to make this marriage work. It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection!
Like Spyce said, there are a lot of unknown layers to unpack here. Sexuality, as I’m sure you are learning, is an expression of who we are on many, many levels. I love that you are exploring yourself first and foremost, especially since you have been sexually assaulted! I’m sooooo so sorry you had to go through something like that. It’s awful. Have you ever seen a therapist about that particular topic?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tantra. I love the whole philosophy. One of my favorite people to learn from is Michaela Bohm. She is part of the Kashmir lineage and branch of Tantra. Her whole practice, which is to empower women, is about getting people to experience life, fully and completely, using the body as a vehicle. She invented a technique to help manage intense emotions called non-linear movement. It’s great stuff! Here is her website. She is spectacular!!! Check out her book as well. Very powerful! https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
I have a few questions for you. I know you are doing a lot of work on yourself, but I’m curious where you are at with all of it.
I also feel like whether he desires me or not, I am a desirable woman and conscious giving lover and making and exchanging love with me is a gift to any partner I choose to share those gifts with. You are saying all of the correct things here, but I’m wondering how well it is put into action. There are women who leak of energy of a strong, divine, feminine goddess full of sexual, sensual and powerful energy. They walk, talk and behave with that energy at their core. There is a confidence about them that tends to turn heads. That’s what I mean by putting that truth that you ARE a desirable woman in action. Are you walking like that? Talking like that? Dressing like that? Treating your body like that? Eating well and exercising to also care for you body like that? Because you also said:
I feel my sexual desires are becoming needy, obsessive and self-abusive as feelings of unattractiveness, unworthiness, and unlovable are on repeat in my head and body. Now we all have those 2 sides…the high self-esteem and low self-esteem. The positive thoughts about ourselves and the negative thoughts about ourselves. That will never go away. What does change over time, through healing and conscious re-programming, is which side of you is in the driver’s side and for how long. What percentage would you say you feel desirable compared to feeling unattractive and unworthy?My fear is staying in something past the expiration date simply because I agreed to stick around. I understand your fear. I’d like to invite you to trust yourself. NOBODY is done until they are done. If you stay past the expiration date again, then you will be okay! If there is one thing you should know about yourself, it’s that you are resilient. You figure it out and you get back up on your feet. You are interested in staying awake, connected to the truth and empowered in your life. That is at the CORE of who you are. Trust that about yourself. Anytime this fear comes up, you remind yourself that you are going to be okay, no matter what happens. That for today, you are choosing to stay and that’s okay. Always bring yourself back to the present moment. You are going to keep making that choice, every single day, to stay…until you don’t. If and when that time should arrive, you will deal with it at that time. But for now, you know where you want to be. Let yourself be aligned with that choice and have it be okay that you want to stay.
How wise us it to bring up/ question him about his ex/friend?Is there another area where I leave it alone and let him reconcile within himself or do I push him to speak about it? I’m curious…what kinds of questions are you wanting to ask him about? What are you wanting to know about her and him?
Lastly, my first inclination is that his testosterone levels need to get tested. I have no doubt there are some emotional things influencing his sexuality, but I’m also wondering if there is something physically going on. That would be the place I would start and would want to rule out. Is that something he would be willing to do? Also, is he taking any medications? I’m wondering if there are some side effects that influence his libido. Something just feels strange to me about him and I can’t put my finger on it. I know this is an awful thing to think about and my guess is, you have already had this thought….is there a possibility of him having an affair? It wouldn’t be unusual for a guy, under stress, while his wife was recovering from surgery, to find ways to relieve himself. It’s even possible he cheated just once, while you were recovering, and the guilt just eats him alive and shuts him down sexually with you.
Lastly, is he aware about how you truly feel? Does he know you are working on healing yourself sexually? Does he know how you are struggling with him?
Heidi
Yes…your job is definitely the kind of job that would get in the way of dating. Hopefully you either find a guy who has a flexible schedule and lots of money so he can come visit you wherever you are or you will retire soon and get to grow some roots. Do you plan on seeing that guy that’s the leader of the meetup group while you are home? Derek? Shoot…can’t remember his name…lol
Man, 40 hours is a loooooong drive. I’m sure you’ll get some good books to listen to.
Hi Liza,
This is great to hear!!! I’m glad you are feeling more liberated. That feels good, right?
I’d like to ask…the new design of your relationship doesn’t sound so spectacular. It sound like he is not very curious about you, even as a freind. Would you say that’s accurate?
Heidi
Hi Claire,
What an interesting situation you are in. Thank you for sharing. You are asking a really great question.
Would you mind sharing a bit more detail?
How would you feel if he started dating someone else?
Have you ever had obsessive behavior over a guy before?
Do you have any other obsessive behaviors in other areas of your life?
Let’s say you do lose him as a friend. What are you afraid will happen? afraid to loose him.What is this about? Can you explain further?Heidi
