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Hi Myo,
I LOVE the conversation we get to have. You are open, willing to share and have some healthy objectivity. You ask great questions and are more interested in connecting to the truth than sparing your ego. These characteristics are qualities of a GREAT partner! Thank you for everything you have shared. Everything is starting to make more sense. Let’s keep talking!
I go down a similar checklist in my mind instead of letting my heart lead the way. I tell myself that I need to be realistic and shouldn’t aim too high for a perfect match because it doesn’t exist. I know I need to rewire my brain to learn more healthy habits. Your mom is right and so are you, going through your checklist, but I want to invite you to view your list with a different perspective. I teach my clients about the non-negotiables list. This is the ONLY list that matters. There are many layers to developing this list and it usually takes about 3 months of weekly coaching for people to really get it, so you are going to get a super crash course here. This list is about what you NEED in order to thrive in a relationship. Meaning, these qualities on the non-negotiable list are truly non-negotiable. So let’s say you come up with 20 things and you meet a guy that has 19 of them, you walk away. That’s how serious these non-negotiables are. These non-negotiables are qualities in a relationship you cannot live without. Without these qualities, you WILL NOT make it. Figuring out what those qualities are is quite a process, but generally, you want to begin thinking about what you need in order to stay balanced and happy in your life. Then, the end product is the non-negotiable list. This list, is the mindset that you date from if you are ready to fall in love. Here is just a simple example. For me personally, romance is on my list. If a guy does not bring nor enjoy receiving or creating romance, I WILL NOT survive in that relationship. So when I am dating a guy, I am looking for this quality. If he doesn’t have it, the door is closed. Another quality on my list is the guy needs to love animals. Animals are a HUGE part of my life. I will ALWAYS have a dog/s in my life and I am always connecting with and caring for all kinds of animals around the planet. I CANNOT be with a guy doesn’t enjoy animals. He doesn’t need to go to the lengths that I do, but he does need to enjoy dogs and he does need to enjoy and appreciate and value animals in general…that’s enough for me to feel supported. So when I date, I always introduce the guy to my dog at some point. I watch how they respond to my dog, how my dog responds to him and it gives me some very good information about him. I will talk about my relationship with animals in general and I pay attention to his responses. Does this make sense how this non-negotiable list is important and how/why you want to use it when dating?
“The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you.” Tell me more about why this quote really resonates for you. What does it make you feel? What kinds of thoughts do you have about this?
I thought, “Wow! If I can meet someone like that, I would feel safe and at peace.” But looking from it from another perspective, I can also think, “What if I focused on offering this to myself instead of waiting someone to give me that feeling? What if I gave that feeling to my partner? Wouldn’t that person feel loved and return those feelings to me as well?” Great thinking! What if you did offer that to yourself first and foremost? What do you think you would be like in a relationship? And it doesn’t necessarily mean your guy would feel loved and return those feelings to you as well. Everyone has a different view about love and what it means and feels like to them. You have a certain idea about what love is and is not and so does everyone else on the planet. That’s why love doesn’t have just 1 definition. Love takes on the definition of the person feeling/experiencing it.
I forgot to add something: If he reaches out to me, I would like to express to him that I was hurt when he suddenly said that he’s not ready for a relationship because it felt like a breakup. Is this wording okay? “I felt really confused and hurt when you said that you weren’t ready for a relationship. I was really excited to start this new journey with you and hoped that you felt the same.” How about you let it go? I know it hurt, but in his mind, he believes he is doing what is best for both you and him. If you end up focusing on YOUR hurt, you are missing what is really happening. He is just scared, no different than you. My guess is, the combination of you wanting a separate room with you also saying the future brings you a lot of anxiety – it caused him to slow down and may have made him not feel very safe. He should be cautious and slow down. But what you want to focus on is helping him feel safer with you. I’m not sure how expressive you have been with him. Did you share your positive feelings a lot with him? Did you offer compliments? Did you ever talk about your imaginary/possible future ideas about you guys as a couple?
I would say something like “I know you asked for some space and I will absolutely honor whatever you need. I just wanted to write this letter to express my experience, my thoughts and feelings. You are the first person in a long time that has opened up my heart and mind to the possibility of love in a healthy way. I admit to being very scared of it. Having an extremely verbally abusive and critical father, I have a lot of fear when it comes to love. I know this about myself and I am learning the different ways it ends up sabotaging what I really want. I really saw how I was behaving and what I was doing with you and how those fears got REALLY big. So I just want you to know that I understand your fears and need for space. I also want to tell you, you are someone I want to face those fears with. You are a kind and wonderful man that I really would like to get to know and explore life with, even the messy bits. I do not want my fears that were created from my past, to ruin what is right in front of me now. So I propose that we both face our fears together. Who knows where that journey will take us, but what I DO know is you are worth knowing and someone I truly desire to have adventures with. So how about we meet for a walk this weekend and we talk about our fears, we laugh, we learn more about each other and then we can go get ice cream after. Let’s just take it one day at a time and enjoy each other right now. Thoughts?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Sheri,
Yes, hindsight is 20/20. A person’s sexuality is HUGELY important to understand and know. You didn’t know that, but you are learning it now which is what truly matters. You are open and willing to learn and grow and that is the very best that any one of us can do, right?
But yeah, I guess I’m open to hear about his ex lovers? You don’t necessarily need to start there if you are not quite comfortable with that. The last thing you want is to get triggered or feel insecure. You want to broach this topic lightly. Your goal is to first and foremost, build safety for both of you to share openly.
I have asked him what he likes sexually and how I can turn him on, many times. He said that we first got together he tried to have that talk and I didnt want to have it. So yeah… This is a copout. What you answer in return is something like “I was limited back then. I didn’t know what I was doing and to be honest, I wish I could go back to that moment and change my response. But that was me in the past and is not who I am today. We are different people now, so I’m asking you TODAY. Teach me TODAY about who you are.”
Do you have ideas on how to reopen this topic? Any specific prompts or questions? Since he seems to be closed off to this topic, you are going to have to gather info. about him indirectly and talk about things he IS comfortable with. For example, you ask questions like, “How old were you when you first had sex? What was it like for you? What did you think about it? Did you tell anyone?” “What is the craziest place you have ever had sex? Did you like it? Is there anywhere you wish you could have sex? Like on an elevator, in the mountains under the stars etc.” “Have you ever thought about having a 3-some? Going to an orgy? What’s your wildest and craziest fantasy?” “If you could have sex with any movie star or public person, who would you pick?” “When was the first time you ever masterbated? How did you even learn about it?” “What grade were in when you took sex education? Did your parents teach you all this stuff or did you have to figure it out on your own?” All these kinds of questions can be fun to answer and always be prepared to share your own answers as well. You want it to feel like a regular, fun conversation that doesn’t need to lead anywhere other than just learning about each other. If he has trouble answering questions like these and he is uncomfortable with them, then you have a bigger problem on your hands than you think. You will learn his comfort level, whether he has fantasies, what some of his experiences have been and what he thinks/feels about them. You can ask some of these questions by starting to talk about yourself first. So you could say something like, “I was thinking the other day about my very first kiss and how awful it was. I remember feeling so nervous …..” and just continue telling him the story….then ask about his first kiss. Then you can lead into asking about his first time having sex and then talk about yourself. See where it leads you.
Another approach is to maybe watch a movie together with sex scenes or sexuality in it. Something like Fifty Shades of Grey, Burlesque or even something much lighter like Pretty Woman and then have conversations about the movie. Maybe even get the book Fifty Shades of Grey and leave it laying out so he can see you are reading it. It may invoke curiosity for him.
Does all of this make sense how you can more indirectly approach this topic? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Tuesday is sooooo close!!! Although is sounds like even though you will be free from your house, there are still a ton of restrictions being enforced. COVID is really doing a number on the world isn’t it? So many varying approaches, opinions and practices. It’s really interesting. I have no doubt, this time in history will be studied and analyzed on so many levels for decades to come.
As far as Nick, I’m curious what makes you want to reach out again? He hasn’t responded. Don’t you want a guy who is fully engaged? Who knows why he isn’t responding. It could be something you said or it could be he really found someone else he likes a lot and wants to really invest in. Maybe his mom died and he needed to disappear. Maybe he lost his job. Who the heck knows and the reason DOES NOT matter. What matters is that you are not hearing from him, so you need to decide if you want to continue to pursue him. If you do want to reach out to him again and give it one more shot, you can say something like, “I’m out of quarantine on Tuesday! I’m excited about that. The first thing I’m going to do is___________________. How are you doing? How did your renovation project go?” Something short, simple, light and easy to respond to. And then you can just wait and see what happens.
Married at First Site cracked me up!!! Holy smokes it was so painful for me to watch. I knew right from the beginning that the basketball player was not into that girl. I wasn’t sure the Christian black couple would make it, but they took things slow and I loved that they did that. And oh my!!! The couple that fought like crazy….yikes!!!! Boy were they addicted to the drama and chaos. They won’t make it very long. The other black couple was sweet, but with the girl being a virgin really did make her quite young emotionally in a big way, but she didn’t really know that about herself. Her relationship with her own sexuality, even as a virgin, was pretty much non-existent. But then again, so much of what we see is scripted. There is also a TON of time off camera that happens. They just show up the best and worst parts to keep us engaged with the show, right? I have to agree with you, that the relationship skills are greatly lacking. It makes me want to do a show, create a movie or do something to just SHOW people what it actually looks like to have an argument and have it be healthy. Someday, when I do seminars, I imagine having an acting group. I will teach a concept and then have the actors act out what most people do and then have them act out the concept I teach, so people can see and feel the differences. People need to SEE things in action in order for the teachings to reach a deeper level. And of course, it keeps the audience more engaged and having more fun. Someday this vision of mine will happen 🙂
Have you seen Love is Blind? That’s also quite entertaining.
Heidi
Hi Myo,
Being that you know you have anxiety about your love life, let’s work with that. I can see that much of your perspective is clouded by fear (anxiety is fear about the future). What are you afraid of exactly? Where is this anxiety coming from? When did this start?
Everything you are saying that this guy is communicating seems like he has a pretty healthy perspective about relationships so far. Let’s break this down a bit:
He said that he’s not sure what will happen in the future, but he said that for now, he just wants explore with world/local neighborhood with someone he loves. I like this! He is grounded in the truth that he cannot control the future or know what to expect, so FOR NOW (he is connected to the present) he just wants to explore life. This is very realistic and is a very grounded perspective and approach.
The thing is, I’m sensing that your approach to romance is being dominated by your mind instead of allowing your heart to have some influence as well. People that allow their minds to take over, have a high need for control that is sourced by the fear of getting hurt. So the fear seems to be so big for you, that you are trying to learn a “system” that you can apply so you can somehow feel safer to risk. Do you feel this is accurate? Thoughts on this?
Here is a comparison. Look at these 2 statements side by side and read both statements out loud. I would even encourage you to read both statements to your friends/family and see what they say as well. It will give you some interesting perspectives!
Here is what he says: It would mean that my wife would support and love me unconditionally. She would put in the same love and energy that I give her. She would care about my struggles, wants, and ideals just as I would hers.This statement feels like it’s coming from his heart. It’s VERY relational as he talks about himself AND her having a healthy exchange.
Here is what you say: I want a long-term partner to count on to weather through the difficult times. This statement feels like it’s coming more for the mind. Heart energy is missing in this statement. I feel more fear than anything. I would say this person’s challenge is a fear of abandonment and because of that, would be afraid to risk. I’m not saying at all, that what you want is unhealthy. Of course you, and everyone on the planet wants this. It’s more about the energy that this comment is sourced from. The energy of this comment is coming from fear. If you didn’t have fear and anxiety, here is more how you would express this same need “I’m interested in having a long, healthy, nourishing connection with a man I love. I am looking for someone that will work with me through all the challenges that show up and will be someone that is willing to learn and grow with me through those times.” Just something to think about.
What other questions can I ask to get a clearer picture of who he is and what he wants to do? My personal approach to getting to know a romantic interest is a bit different than most. You may or may not resonate with it. I like to coach people to look for the worst in someone and here is why. It is the worst of someone, that will make or break a relationship. You can have the most amazing sex, chemistry, connection, lots of laughter, tons of fun with someone, but once stress shows up, if your partner ghosts and disappears, or they become abusive on any level, or they become passive-aggressive, it breaks the emotional safety in that connection and will ruin any goodness that exists over time. So in my approach, I coach people to choose a partner based on who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. What is he like when he gets angry or hurt? What does he respond like when he gets disappointed? How does he handle loss? It’s hard to know these things about him until you actually watch him go through some of this and that takes time. But there are ways to get a small window of information. If I am seriously considering a guy, I’ll ask him questions like: What are you like when you get angry? Tell me about your biggest heartbreak? What did you do? Tell me about the biggest heart you broke? Tell me about the biggest failure you have had so far? Do you have any regrets? Questions like these will expose their thinking about the hardships of life and how they handle it. You will be able to see if they are still harboring any feelings about the past and what and how they got through the difficult times. You will be able to see some of their patterns. What you are looking for, is whether or not you would feel like their worst behaviors are loveable and workable. Obviously, someone will not admit to being abusive or admit to being critical/judgmental. You will learn all the “other” details about how he handles stress when you actually experience it. What is most important is that even in the worst moments, you BOTH respect each other. It doesn’t mean there isn’t yelling and messiness. It means there is no namecalling, there is no criticism, there is nothing said or done to harm each other. Here is an article from the Gottman’s. This is an AMAZING resource by the way. They have studied love and relationships for over 30 years and their research has helped so many of us learn about what is healthy and not healthy…what works and what doesn’t work. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
There truly is a lot to consider when choosing a good partner, but first and foremost, the focus needs to be on YOU. This is about you and NOT him. It’s not about HIM being something you need and want. It’s about YOU knowing what makes you feel safe, balanced and empowered in your life and then he will either join you or not. He gets to be who and what he wants. You get to decide if that is enough for you and he gets to decide if you are enough for him. Even though you end up at the same place with both perspectives, the energy behind the perspectives is different. With your approach, you are “other” focused. What is HE doing? What does HE want? What are HIS perspectives? What does HE believe? You are looking at HIM to see if you can feel safe. Yes, this is important, but again, the energy is being driven by fear. So that’s why I want to keep coming back to you and inviting you to create safety and security within yourself first. When you have trust in yourself, when you feel safe within yourself, when you feel empowered, your perspective will be: “This is what I need to stay balanced in my life. In my acceptance of him being exactly who he is, I will see if he fits into my world or not.” This perspective is not needing him to be anything for you. This perspective is accepting him for exactly who he is and just seeing if he fits. This is not a fear based perspective. It’s a perspective that holds honor and respect for you and also honors and respects him, not needing him to change or be anything other than who he is. Does this make sense what I am getting at?
I know I am saying a TON. It’s a lot to digest, so let’s keep talking!!!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thanks for sharing the article! I really liked it and passed it on to a few other people. Hopefully, you will keep engaging in those techniques to support yourself through the triggers coming up for you in this quarantine.
Melaleuca looks really cool. You would sell their products and get a percentage, right? Like an MLM kind of thing?
That’s so interesting about your experiences of movies. Is it the same with tv shows as well? I also get super engaged. People can’t talk to me when I’m watching a movie because I won’t hear them. I am able to disengage after though. I can understand you not wanting to watch them if it’s hard for you to disengage. What if it’s a happy movie? I imagine that would feel okay.
How are you doing? You only have a few days left. What’s next? Have you arranged to go on a meetup hike with Dean? Are you still talking? That one guy that disappeared is just so normal. It happens all the time to everyone. He most likely got more engaged with someone else. Again, online dating is like a kid in a candy store, especially for men. They have sooooooo much choice that they want to go around trying everything and not wanting to commit or invest in one thing…there is so much to try!
Heidi
Hi Myo!
I’m so glad it went well! Well done for speaking up and asking for what you need.
Let’s talk about something you said: He was a bit bummed and asked if there was a future day that I might be okay, and I said that I just wanted to focus on the present since thinking too far makes me anxious. What is this about? Do you have trouble thinking about your future in general? Do you ever dream about what you want in your future or set goals in the future that you work towards? I’m wondering if you just have anxiety thinking about your future only when it comes to love and romance or if you have trouble in every area of your life.
I imagine that your response to him about his question would have made him feel shut out. It sounds like he likes to think about your future together and now you just communicated to him that you don’t. That would cause any person to pull back a bit and become unsure. Was that your intention? Is that truly how you feel?A different way you could have communicated your feelings would have been “I cannot predict my future as to when I would be ready for something like this, but what I can tell you is that it’s definitely something I want to experience with you. (and when you tell a guy EXACTLY what you need to help you, THEY LOVE IT). What will help me get there faster is feeling like you are a good listener and that you really care about how I feel and what I need to feel safe with you and that is exactly what you are doing. So I will tell you that we are heading in the right direction :)”
I’ve had non-romantic situations where the confrontations did not go well and the relationships ended poorly. I don’t want the same thing to happen with this guy. We all have had these experiences. It’s part of life and it’s really hard to go through. I know it makes people really gunshy for future relationships. The thing is, you are letting your past, dictate your present. We all do it, so becoming aware of it can empower you to shift how you handle things. I’ve lost so many friends in my life, despite the fact that I am a highly-skilled communicator and was always willing to listen and grow. The reality is, no matter how “perfect” you handle a situation, it does not guarantee any kind of outcome. The best you can do is be caring, connective and honoring of your self and the rest is left up to the other person to decide what they want to do with who you are choosing to be. That’s why love is ALWAYS a risk and why it’s so scary. You cannot control another person’s choices. You cannot control whether or not your heart gets broken. It takes great courage to step into love because of the risk you are taking. That’s why having trust in yourself, is so important. Trust in yourself that you are resilient. Trust in yourself that you are resourceful. Trust in yourself that you can and will choose to heal. You have survived some horrible horrible experiences from your past and here you are, dating, living your life and you are okay! If you can get through something like sexual abuse, you can get through a broken heart. KNOW that about yourself. So as your anxiety comes up about the future or about anything really, remind yourself of who you truly are and the strength that lives within you.
Since you are feeling anxiety about how he may feel about what you said, why not circle back around to it. Having good communication is important, right from the beginning. You can say something like, “I just want to appreciate you. I have lost friendships in my past because of asking for what I need, so I get scared sometimes. I was nervous about letting you know I wanted a separate room than you and I have to say, how you responded made me feel more safe with you. I appreciate you respecting what I need. I know it’s disappointing, but what I want you to know that it’s in no way a reflection of you. It’s just about me honoring the pace that is good for me. I know you said it was okay for you and that you were disappointed, which of course you are. I just wanted to appreciate how wonderful you were in accepting what I needed anyways. That means a lot to me.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions. I’m glad you are here as I would like to suggest a different approach. First, I want to validate that what you are feeling is good! Your caution and your need to slow things down is important and wise. There is a different way to communicate your boundary which will keep his heart open and inspire him to want to support you.
First, how you want to say things has an energy to it of pointing the finger at him, as if he should know already. It will cause him to feel confused and defensive, which is NOT what you want. The rule of thumb when setting a boundary, is to talk about yourself and what you need in order to feel supported. You are TEACHING him about yourself. When you say something like “I felt like my boundaries were overstepped” what he is going to hear is that he did something wrong. If you think about it, how would he know he is crossing your boundary? So he isn’t actually crossing a boundary of yours (in his mind) because he doesn’t even know it’s there. Make sense?
Instead, you want to say “I’m not comfortable going on this vacation yet.”but I’m also feeling a bit scared and overwhelmed. This is YOUR issue, not his. What specifically are you afraid of? What is making you feel overwhelmed? Again, saying these things to a guy who has NO IDEA who you are and is just wanting to get to know you, to tell him you feel scared and overwhelmed is making him responsible for things he has no idea he is doing. Your fear and overwhelm are coming from past experiences that he has nothing to do with. There is a different way to say everything that you are feeling, without causing him to feel negative about any of it.
I really like you, but as a female, I also have to think about my safety in relationships. It would be helpful if you can take my perspective as a woman in consideration. Again, all he will hear if you say this, is how wrong he is and how he didn’t consider you. While that may be true from your perspective, from HIS perspective, he is just excited to spend time with you and create some fun memories. I know PLENTY of women who would jump at the opportunity and have NO hesitation to go on a vacation with a guy they really like, so soon. So your perspective, as a female, is personal and NOT a general female perspective.
Here is what I would suggest you say (in your own words, of course). “I really am so excited for this new journey we are starting together. We are still so new, so I’m not quite comfortable yet going on vacation with you so soon. How about we revisit the vacation idea in 3 months?” That’s all you really need to say. You don’t need to go into depth, into all your feelings or share anything personal. If he asks more questions, you just simply say “I just have to honor how I feel and that means that for today, I don’t feel comfortable. But who knows…maybe in a few weeks I will shift. What I promise you is that as soon as my feelings about it change, you will be the first to know and we can plan something fun and amazing.”
Now, if you want to share your reasons with him for being so scared, then feel free to do that! It’s up to you. I’m guessing you have had some physical/sexual trauma before. It’s a GOOD thing you are being cautious and wanting to set boundaries! I’m just saying you want to communicate it differently. You are being very wise and cautious, which I wish everyone were. He IS moving fast, but that’s okay. It’s your job to say what you feel cozy with and then he gets to respect it. It’s all just part of getting to know each other.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Claire,
Thank you for sharing more details and being vulnerable here. There is a lot to break down in what you said, so let’s just keep having a conversation about everything.
The first thing I’d like to say is that “Emotions are NOT facts.” Emotions are just an expression of whatever story our minds have created about what happened. That story can easily be full of lies and misguided perceptions. Whatever story you are attaching to at any given moment, generates and fuels our feelings and emotions. So what you are feeling is based on the story you have about him, how you believe he perceives you and the fears that live inside of you. What you are feeling is NOT fact. You have the power to shift your story into anything you want, therefore shifting what and how you are feeling. So let’s go over the story you have created about yourself and about him.
I’m still embarrassed. And now I also feel judged and misunderstood. He cannot make you feel anything that doesn’t already exist within you. From what you have explained so far, I don’t see any judgment from him. I just see that he sees you could use a more self-love. Everything he is saying is accurate and could be said about him and about thousands of people on this planet, myself included. We ALL could use more self love. We ALL have low self-esteem, we ALL have high self-esteem. So you feel embarrassed, judged and misunderstood. I imagine you have felt that many times in your life. Is there someone who has made you feel like that a lot in your life? Mom? Dad? Sibling? Ex-boyfriend? Teacher? Because what I see is that your “friend” is running from intimacy, is insecure and fragile and maybe he is judging and misunderstanding you, but not because of you, but because of his own messiness. ANYONE who judges us, criticizes us or tells us how we need to be more, is someone who is projecting. I mean let’s really think about this….he is telling YOU that you need more self-love in order to find what you are looking for??? All the while he thinks he is falling in love with his roommate whom he’s only known for a week or so? hahaha! What HE is doing is not loving himself at all! He is actually harming himself by opening the floodgates to his heart with someone he barely knows. He is not being careful and slowly entering starting to date someone and spending a good amount of time getting to know someone. He is jumping in and going for it without a care in the world for himself or for how it affects you. That is NOT self-love. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. He obviously has no awareness around this, but his opinions about you are projections of himself. People project onto each other ALL THE TIME and they have no clue they are doing it and very rarely own up to it. It’s a fragile psyche that points the finger at someone else. Does this make sense?
Bottom line is, he is not all that great either. He is hopping into fantasy land about this new girl and he will get a wake up call at some point. It’s his choice and he gets to learn his lessons that way. It doesn’t change how heartbreaking it is for you to lose your friend.
it was coming off like a criticism of what I need to fix about myself. As if I’m too messed up to love or be loved. I’m even more ashamed now that he saw me be vulnerable and this was his take away. It triggers my fear that I will be rejected if I show that side to anyone. Here is the truth Claire…you are resilient and so much stronger than any fear you have. We ALL have been rejected in our vulnerabilities and we ALL will have those experiences again. It’s just a part of life and there is no getting away from it. You WILL be hurt again and again and again by people that you open up to. It’s just because we are human and we mess up. You will reject others in their vulnerabilities as well. So being that this is unavoidable, we may as well deal with it, right? Choosing to close up is not the answer. Of course, you need to be discerning with who you open up to. But even at that, when you choose to open up and you get rejected, the GREATEST gift you are being offered is an opportunity to love and bond with yourself as you move through the rejection. Instead of handing your power over to the other person and let THEM define your value, you take your power back and love yourself. You connect to this truth….you are loveable, you are worth knowing, you are worth fighting for, you are worth going through life with whether or not the guy in front of you sees it that way or not. This is about you KNOWING your value NO MATTER WHAT!!! Your friend choosing this new girl over you, DOES NOT change your value, so his rejection of you is showing you where you are disconnected from that truth and giving you an opportunity for healing deeper inside. His rejection and limitations have hurt you…now it’s time to love yourself, connect to yourself and be really gentle and compassionate with how you are feeling.
He broke my trust and privacy. So now I have lost him. Take it back. Take back the power you gave him. Here is another perspective about trust. First and foremost, it’s essential we have trust in ourselves. The trust we put in other people will ALWAYS be broken in some form or fashion. People let us down and you will do the same. So again…let’s deal with that fact and learn how to handle it in healthy ways. Trust is actually more about you and your relationship with yourself. Instead of putting trust in someone else, trust yourself. Here is what I like to say to myself when I am facing some big fears and want to shut down…”I trust myself that no matter what happens, no matter what this person does to let me down or hurt me, I WILL BE OKAY!!! I trust I am resilient, I trust I am resourceful, I trust I will choose to heal, I trust I will do whatever it takes to forgive and heal and move forward in the best direction.” That is where your trust belongs. Does this help?
Still my big fear is loss of that deep friendship, Loss of potential friendships with others and loss of this whole scene that I’ve come to love. I’m afraid of the crippling loneliness that seeps in when I don’t see or touch anyone for days. Im afraid of having nothing to look forward to each day. And I’m afraid that he’s right and I am too messed up to love or be loved. You have a lot of stories in these few sentences that are generating a ton of fear. “Crippling loneliness” “Nothing to look forward to” “loss of friendships” …what if you created another story? This is a technique I call “Finish the story.” Every time you say “I’m afraid of crippling loneliness” you are basically allowing your story to stop there and then play on endless repeat. What about the other half of the story? What about the positive side of the story? What about finishing the story by saying “AND I will be okay. AND I will learn about myself. AND I am NOT alone. AND I am still loveable. AND I am resilient etc.” Every single time you say a negative thing in your mind, follow it with the positive side. It’s how you re-program and start to create new stories to invest in and control the looping effect those negative stories have on your life.
I’ve said a lot and there really is so much more to say. Hopefully this isn’t too overwhelming for you. Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
What is Melaleuca? I know you have mentioned it a handful of times, but I thought it was another company you were interviewing for in the oil industry, but it sounds like it’s a completely separate thing. Melaleuca is actually the real name of tea tree oil. Did you know that? Tell me about it!
No worries at all about your response. I was just checking. My guess is, being that you have been struggling with depression, being “caged up” as you said is just magnifying it and like you have said before, going numb is a mechanism you do when stress is higher. So you feeling “brain dead” and like a zombie would just be a symptom of overload to your system. ANYTHING you can do that is creative, will help a lot. It sounds like you have a few of those projects to work on, so that’s good! Hang in there Rhonda. You are going through a lot and there are a ton of adjustments you are dealing with and facing. Keep telling yourself “It’s okay to feel. It’s safe to feel. I am safe and no one is hurting me. I give myself permission to feel everything I need to etc.” It’s so important to get the emotion flowing so journaling, talking into a recorder, dancing etc. will help with all of that.
Wow! You don’t like movies??? That is so rare! I LOVE LOVE LOVE movies. Probably too much…lol. How about listening to some podcasts. Brene Brown has a wonderful podcast!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
How did what I say affect you? It feels like your message was polite but not full of your true thoughts and feelings. What’s going on?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You are almost there! I can see why you would feel like a criminal. Your choice and freedom has been taken away for 2 weeks, so you definitely are getting a sense of what different kinds of people feel like. It’s interesting isn’t it? You have an idea of what a prisoner would feel like or like what you said…what the Jews must have felt like. I think it’s quite special actually. You are gaining a deeper understanding about yourself and humanity. What a gift you are being given…if you choose to look at it that way. You should watch the movie “Hurricane.” Denzel Washington plays a professional boxer who gets accused of a crime he didn’t commit. He said something once while he was in jail that was quite powerful. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something to the effect of, prison is only in the mind. Even though he was still in jail, he still had a lot of choice and freedoms that no one could ever take away from him. It may be an encouraging movie for you at the moment. This may be messing with your mind, but you are stronger than all of that crap. You have 100% choice and control with the perspective you align with. You have another week to go, so how can you make it an incredible week? Focus on what you DO have instead of what you don’t have.
The guys sound fun fun fun!!! I’m glad you are getting a lot of attention!!! It’s perfect timing isn’t it? It’s good entertainment while you are housebound! Just have fun with all of it. None of it has to mean anything other than enjoying the attention and having some interesting experiences, right?
Heidi
Hi Sheri!
It sounds like you are doing really well with staying connected to yourself. You are continuing your practices and you are still learning and growing. That truly is the most powerful thing you can do to shift any situation. When you shift your energy, your thoughts, your feelings, your perspectives, it can change the entire relationship.
Is your guy willing to go get tested possibly? If you can find a good Sexologist, that may help. It’s hard to treat anything until you know the cause. I know his libido is low, but the reasons for that are soooo many and a Sexologist specializes in that and can help with a treatment plan. Here is a good article explaining this field of study: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sexologist-explained-psychology-sex-counseling_l_5d10fdc7e4b0a3941866ecc3
You also may want to check out a Netflix documentary called “strip down, rise up” It addresses the relationship women have with their bodies and their sexuality/sensuality. I would also suggest watching “Embrace” Here is the trailer: https://www.amazon.com/Embrace-Taryn-Brumfitt/dp/B01MSAZVDS
funny thing is the more we talk about his potential trauma the more I think that maybe it is me and my unchecked sexual trauma that is inhibiting us, or at the very least a combo. It’s always a combo. We are co-creators in life and that means that all of our stuff will mix with all of the stuff of another person and it all just gets mixed in 1 big pot. No one is ever to blame and it’s just what relationship is. Trying to decipher who is doing what and why can be maddening. All we can ever do is offer love and acceptance of who a person wants to be, face our own stuff and grow and hopefully you have a partner who is willing to do the same.
About his ex. What if there was more than just a friendship with her? What if there is a special bond between them? What would you do with that information?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
Oh goodness. I’m sooooo sorry to hear about this. It’s awful to be used like that.
I really want to encourage you to be kind and compassionate to yourself. You are just wanting to connect and feel love and this guy was not that person. I understand you wanting to retreat and just stay to yourself. It’s pretty awful to hurt like this.
I want to remind you though….you are resilient. You somehow made it through your childhood of being beaten, tortured and molested. You raised 3 children and now they have children. You are soooooo much more than what happened in your childhood. You are more than this hurt you feel right now. If you can survive something as horrifying as your childhood, you can absolutely endure this hurt you are feeling right now.
I know you are tired. I get it. I have been where you are so many times, I can’t even count. I will be there again and again and again. It’s part of life. I too had a horrific childhood and I have had to work very hard to keep getting back up. I also had some help. Are you willing to see a therapist??? Having someone objective and skilled, act as a guide while you navigate your life is so incredibly helpful, especially when you get tired like you are right now. You are not alone and you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You are worth loving, knowing, fighting for whether a man thinks so or not. I’m single and have been for quite a while. I have made the CHOICE to love myself, connect to myself, honor myself even when a man is not in my life. A man DOES NOT define your value! You define your value.
So right now, you need to be fighting for more in your life than letting this a***hole steal your joy. You are giving this guy your power. You are letting his choice to use you, destroy the beauty that is in life all around you. He doesn’t deserve that much power. Take back your power and start to fight to find the beauty in your life. Even if it means going for a walk and finding beauty in all the flowers that are starting to bloom. You WILL recover from this, you can learn from this situation so you don’t do this again and you can take back your life, your joy and your power. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! I know how scary it is to admit that you are having an affair. That is definitely something that people judge, but you have a safe space here. Spyce and I have heard it all and our deepest desires are to help you connect to the truth, empower you with information and then help you make the best decision for yourself.
The main red flag here is that if this guy is cheating with you, the odds of him cheating ON you are very high. Have you ever considered that? In general, people who cheat on their partners are being inauthentic. They have needs and desires they are not willing to communicate to their partner, so instead they break their integrity and lie. I know you want to be in a relationship with him, so this is something to really consider. You have strong feelings for him and those strong feelings are creating a story about the kind of relationship you think you will have with him. I imagine that part of that story does not include being cheated on by him, but it’s a likely outcome. My guess is, he is not a very good communicator. He would rather run away from how he is feeling in his relationship than to be honest. My guess is, that’s his coping mechanism and then to add on top of that, he is now lying and cheating with you. My guess is, he doesn’t have very good skills at being in relationship. On top of that, if you think that building a relationship with him where the foundation began with lying and cheating is going to turn out “happily ever after” your fantasy will soon burst. Bottom line is, relationship are hard enough just as they are, but then you add on things like these and you are asking for a shi**** ton of drama and hurt. Do you know what is stopping him from leaving his girlfriend?
Here is just a general piece of advice: when choosing a partner that you want to give your heart to, you need to choose them according to their worst qualities and not their best qualities. The good qualities are easy and wonderful. The not so pretty qualities are what will make or break a relationship (and studies have shown that over and over and over). Who is he in his worst? How does he treat you, treat others, treat himself when he is under high stress? What you DO know already is that he is willing to break his integrity and lie to his partner. In those hard moments, for a relationship to work, there needs to be respect and emotional safety. Anything short of that, the relationship will absolutely break unless things are worked on/healed. You need to be able to truly love and respect your person and feel loved and respected, even in the most challenging times. Is him being a cheater, something you can love and respect about him? He is showing you who he is and what he is willing to do to avoid being honest with his partner. Is that someone you are willing to hand your heart over to?
I know I can say all of these things to you and it doesn’t change what you want. When the sex is good and the connection is good, a person wants more and more of it. It’s like a drug. I sure don’t blame you for wanting more with this guy. He feels good and who doesn’t want more of that? Does he know how you are starting to feel about him? I think that if you want to really be with this guy, it’s important for you to express your desires and then you can see where his mind is at. Is that something you would be willing to do?
Lastly, the question I ask everyone when they are wanting something from someone they cannot have, is “what is it that he is giving you, that you are not giving to yourself?” So many times, we are looking to others to fill us up. Of course other people are meant to help us out and support us, but the main source of love needs to be coming from within us. You have set yourself up for failure. You have consciously chosen to get involved with a man who is not available to freely offer you what you want and truly desire. What is happening inside of you that would cause you to say yes to cheating? What’s missing in your life that you would say yes to being the other woman and causing harm not only to another woman, but to yourself? What is it that he is bringing into your life that is worth breaking your own integrity?
I know I asked a lot of questions and shared a lot of concepts. Let’s keep working through this. There is a way to bring your situation into integrity if he is willing to join you.
Heidi
Hi Rashanda,
Wow! You are going through the ringer right now. We all know what that feels like. It’s devastating to watch your love slip through your fingers and watch your future fall apart. You have created a life, a forever life, with him in it and now it’s being destroyed. It hurts so bad!
You are being incredibly brave and courageous. What are you doing to help yourself right now? It’s so important to be very very gentle and compassionate with yourself. If you like movies, watch movies that are encouraging where the main character is overcoming something extremely challenging (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun or Men of Honor or G.I. Jane). Listen to encouraging podcasts, read books that remind you of truth and connect you to your power. Put flowers everywhere in your room, take baths, get a massage, watch funny videos, go meet new people with your dog, get a coloring book etc. You need to be doing SEVERAL things EVERY SINGLE DAY to help you through this extremely difficult time. It won’t take the pain away, but it will make you stronger and more resilient.
Heidi
