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Hi Ecaterina,
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry about having the tumors in your neck! This must be scary for you. I’m glad you are getting it biopsied. Is it causing any other problems, like thyroid issues or swallowing problems?
I’m glad you feel very resolved with not wanting to re-connect with him. It sounds like you are very grounded and connected to what you do not want to deal with. And yes, you do need a therapist, but we ALL do. I haven’t met a person yet who couldn’t use expert advice and healing.
I’m curious why you are regretful. This experience you had with him was very difficult for you for sure. You have learned about yourself though, right? You have recognized your patterns, you had enough strength to get away much sooner than you did before and you are in a good space now. All of those things are so important for growth. Him treating you so poorly helped you grow. You made it through and are stronger for it. Do you really regret that?
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any new updates? How are you feeling about the breakup? Are you still talking to that guy that your friend connected you with? We’d love an update!
Heidi
Hey there! How are you doing? Have you found a therapist you can work with? How are you feeling now? Would love an update.
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It sounds like he is quite confused. He doesn’t want you to leave and he doesn’t want you to stay. Do you know anything about his relationship past? What were his past experiences like? How come he is going back to his country at the end of the year? Why does he believe you have to be married if you go with him? Is that a cultural thing?
When he said he doesn’t feel like you give him enough space, do you know what he actually meant by that? Meaning, what were you doing EXACTLY that was making him feel like he wasn’t getting enough space from you? What EXACTLY does he need differently from you?
Do YOU want to marry him? Do you feel like he is someone you deeply love and want to continue to grow with? Is he offering you the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? It sounds like something is missing for him. Do you know what is missing for him, that makes him not want to take you with him?
Heidi
OMG! I’m sooooo excited you got to get into your amazing mountains!!! Finally!!!! Your spirit must have just opened up. You got a seriously big drink of nourishment. I’m impressed with having snow shoes, a pack and all the distance you covered, especially at that altitude! Sheesh! Make sure to thank your body for doing such a good job for you!!! And OMG…you picked up a hitchhiker!!! Holy smokes! I love the experience you got to have with him!!! What kind of pro athlete was he? How fun that you got to have a great conversation and now might get connected into being a guide. You would be spectacular at that!!!!
Jay sounds quite interesting. Do you know what spiritual enlightenment means to him? Either way, it sounds like you are enjoying talking to him. What do you like about him?
I think it would be great to contact a matching agency. It would be wonderful to get some help and you would get to meet all kinds of new guys!
Wow…you are leaving so quickly. What else are you going to do while you are still there? Any other hikes you plan on doing? How is your depression? How are you feeling now that you have your freedom?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I’m emotional and I’m trying to validate myself and prove that what my ex said about me wasn’t true How about you stop giving your power away and stop trying to prove anything to your ex and connect to the truth of who you really are and leave it at that. People will think things about us and we do not have any control over it. The moment we try to “prove” anything, we lose ourselves. There is nothing to prove to anyone, except for yourself. Take back your power. Stop living and doing anything for ex. You are valuable, loveable and worth knowing, even if your ex would say differently. You are all of those things AND so much more, with or without anyone else.
But how do I know if he is just using me or if I am pushing him away? What is happening between you guys is not your fault. Him stopping all of that wonderful connection was about HIM, not you. I’d like to invite you to take your energy that is focused on him and bring it back to yourself. He can only use you if you allow him to treat you that way. If you are questioning his intentions, it’s not because of his actions. It’s because of something that you are sensing inside of yourself. If you don’t want to be used by him, what do you need from him so you don’t feel used? What can you do to support yourself so you don’t feel used?
Heidi
are you officially a free woman??? It’s Tuesday!!! The place where you wanted to go sounds quite delightful. What do you feed the chicks?
The soft snow is the best kind of snow for sure. We also were in the 60s one day and then BAM! Snow and 15 degrees this morning and climbing into the 30s and 40s the rest of the week.
Tell me about Jay.
I’m not sure what season I watch of MOFS. I’ll have to look. I don’t know which I prefer. It’s all pretty painful to watch honestly. lol!
Heidi
Hi Sheri!
It sounds like you are doing a really great job at looking at yourself, your husband and seeing what does work and what does not work. You are someone who is willing to see the truth and embrace it. You are someone who is willing to learn and grow. He sure is lucky to have you!!!
I love that you guys are going to talk and just catch up and reconnect like old friends. That is such a great way to create safety and strengthen your friendship and bond. I would suggest keeping things lighter and more fun just for right now. Find things to laugh about and maybe even walk down memory lane and share some of your thoughts and feelings about when you first saw him. No need to dive deep, unless it naturally goes there. Have the intention of just restoring and renewing your friendship and bond and create a really safe space for him to be himself and you be yourself. Save the depth for a few conversations down the road. For now, just spend time getting to know each other again. Use some of the questions I mentioned above to get to know him in a different way. Remind him and remind yourself about why you are together. Have the intention of bringing the very best out in him and bring your very best self to the conversation as well. Even consider putting on an outfit that makes you feel amazing. Do your hair and makeup in a way that makes you feel beautiful and soft.
When are you guys going to talk? Are you guys planning on going somewhere to have this conversation?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I love the article about 100 questions. It’s great stuff!!! Thank you for sharing.
You say you want to be in a good headspace when you talk to him again. What does that look like for you? You want to improve, so what headspace are you in now, that you want to improve upon?
Lastly, I also want to encourage you that it’s okay to be yourself too…all the messy bits included. So you can have the best intentions to be in a good headspace, but if it somehow doesn’t go down that way, that’s okay! You are human and messy and you are still loveable. I just want to reinforce that. I know you know this already, but it’s always good to have a reminder.
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I LOVE the conversation we get to have. You are open, willing to share and have some healthy objectivity. You ask great questions and are more interested in connecting to the truth than sparing your ego. These characteristics are qualities of a GREAT partner! Thank you for everything you have shared. Everything is starting to make more sense. Let’s keep talking!
I go down a similar checklist in my mind instead of letting my heart lead the way. I tell myself that I need to be realistic and shouldn’t aim too high for a perfect match because it doesn’t exist. I know I need to rewire my brain to learn more healthy habits. Your mom is right and so are you, going through your checklist, but I want to invite you to view your list with a different perspective. I teach my clients about the non-negotiables list. This is the ONLY list that matters. There are many layers to developing this list and it usually takes about 3 months of weekly coaching for people to really get it, so you are going to get a super crash course here. This list is about what you NEED in order to thrive in a relationship. Meaning, these qualities on the non-negotiable list are truly non-negotiable. So let’s say you come up with 20 things and you meet a guy that has 19 of them, you walk away. That’s how serious these non-negotiables are. These non-negotiables are qualities in a relationship you cannot live without. Without these qualities, you WILL NOT make it. Figuring out what those qualities are is quite a process, but generally, you want to begin thinking about what you need in order to stay balanced and happy in your life. Then, the end product is the non-negotiable list. This list, is the mindset that you date from if you are ready to fall in love. Here is just a simple example. For me personally, romance is on my list. If a guy does not bring nor enjoy receiving or creating romance, I WILL NOT survive in that relationship. So when I am dating a guy, I am looking for this quality. If he doesn’t have it, the door is closed. Another quality on my list is the guy needs to love animals. Animals are a HUGE part of my life. I will ALWAYS have a dog/s in my life and I am always connecting with and caring for all kinds of animals around the planet. I CANNOT be with a guy doesn’t enjoy animals. He doesn’t need to go to the lengths that I do, but he does need to enjoy dogs and he does need to enjoy and appreciate and value animals in general…that’s enough for me to feel supported. So when I date, I always introduce the guy to my dog at some point. I watch how they respond to my dog, how my dog responds to him and it gives me some very good information about him. I will talk about my relationship with animals in general and I pay attention to his responses. Does this make sense how this non-negotiable list is important and how/why you want to use it when dating?
“The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you.” Tell me more about why this quote really resonates for you. What does it make you feel? What kinds of thoughts do you have about this?
I thought, “Wow! If I can meet someone like that, I would feel safe and at peace.” But looking from it from another perspective, I can also think, “What if I focused on offering this to myself instead of waiting someone to give me that feeling? What if I gave that feeling to my partner? Wouldn’t that person feel loved and return those feelings to me as well?” Great thinking! What if you did offer that to yourself first and foremost? What do you think you would be like in a relationship? And it doesn’t necessarily mean your guy would feel loved and return those feelings to you as well. Everyone has a different view about love and what it means and feels like to them. You have a certain idea about what love is and is not and so does everyone else on the planet. That’s why love doesn’t have just 1 definition. Love takes on the definition of the person feeling/experiencing it.
I forgot to add something: If he reaches out to me, I would like to express to him that I was hurt when he suddenly said that he’s not ready for a relationship because it felt like a breakup. Is this wording okay? “I felt really confused and hurt when you said that you weren’t ready for a relationship. I was really excited to start this new journey with you and hoped that you felt the same.” How about you let it go? I know it hurt, but in his mind, he believes he is doing what is best for both you and him. If you end up focusing on YOUR hurt, you are missing what is really happening. He is just scared, no different than you. My guess is, the combination of you wanting a separate room with you also saying the future brings you a lot of anxiety – it caused him to slow down and may have made him not feel very safe. He should be cautious and slow down. But what you want to focus on is helping him feel safer with you. I’m not sure how expressive you have been with him. Did you share your positive feelings a lot with him? Did you offer compliments? Did you ever talk about your imaginary/possible future ideas about you guys as a couple?
I would say something like “I know you asked for some space and I will absolutely honor whatever you need. I just wanted to write this letter to express my experience, my thoughts and feelings. You are the first person in a long time that has opened up my heart and mind to the possibility of love in a healthy way. I admit to being very scared of it. Having an extremely verbally abusive and critical father, I have a lot of fear when it comes to love. I know this about myself and I am learning the different ways it ends up sabotaging what I really want. I really saw how I was behaving and what I was doing with you and how those fears got REALLY big. So I just want you to know that I understand your fears and need for space. I also want to tell you, you are someone I want to face those fears with. You are a kind and wonderful man that I really would like to get to know and explore life with, even the messy bits. I do not want my fears that were created from my past, to ruin what is right in front of me now. So I propose that we both face our fears together. Who knows where that journey will take us, but what I DO know is you are worth knowing and someone I truly desire to have adventures with. So how about we meet for a walk this weekend and we talk about our fears, we laugh, we learn more about each other and then we can go get ice cream after. Let’s just take it one day at a time and enjoy each other right now. Thoughts?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Sheri,
Yes, hindsight is 20/20. A person’s sexuality is HUGELY important to understand and know. You didn’t know that, but you are learning it now which is what truly matters. You are open and willing to learn and grow and that is the very best that any one of us can do, right?
But yeah, I guess I’m open to hear about his ex lovers? You don’t necessarily need to start there if you are not quite comfortable with that. The last thing you want is to get triggered or feel insecure. You want to broach this topic lightly. Your goal is to first and foremost, build safety for both of you to share openly.
I have asked him what he likes sexually and how I can turn him on, many times. He said that we first got together he tried to have that talk and I didnt want to have it. So yeah… This is a copout. What you answer in return is something like “I was limited back then. I didn’t know what I was doing and to be honest, I wish I could go back to that moment and change my response. But that was me in the past and is not who I am today. We are different people now, so I’m asking you TODAY. Teach me TODAY about who you are.”
Do you have ideas on how to reopen this topic? Any specific prompts or questions? Since he seems to be closed off to this topic, you are going to have to gather info. about him indirectly and talk about things he IS comfortable with. For example, you ask questions like, “How old were you when you first had sex? What was it like for you? What did you think about it? Did you tell anyone?” “What is the craziest place you have ever had sex? Did you like it? Is there anywhere you wish you could have sex? Like on an elevator, in the mountains under the stars etc.” “Have you ever thought about having a 3-some? Going to an orgy? What’s your wildest and craziest fantasy?” “If you could have sex with any movie star or public person, who would you pick?” “When was the first time you ever masterbated? How did you even learn about it?” “What grade were in when you took sex education? Did your parents teach you all this stuff or did you have to figure it out on your own?” All these kinds of questions can be fun to answer and always be prepared to share your own answers as well. You want it to feel like a regular, fun conversation that doesn’t need to lead anywhere other than just learning about each other. If he has trouble answering questions like these and he is uncomfortable with them, then you have a bigger problem on your hands than you think. You will learn his comfort level, whether he has fantasies, what some of his experiences have been and what he thinks/feels about them. You can ask some of these questions by starting to talk about yourself first. So you could say something like, “I was thinking the other day about my very first kiss and how awful it was. I remember feeling so nervous …..” and just continue telling him the story….then ask about his first kiss. Then you can lead into asking about his first time having sex and then talk about yourself. See where it leads you.
Another approach is to maybe watch a movie together with sex scenes or sexuality in it. Something like Fifty Shades of Grey, Burlesque or even something much lighter like Pretty Woman and then have conversations about the movie. Maybe even get the book Fifty Shades of Grey and leave it laying out so he can see you are reading it. It may invoke curiosity for him.
Does all of this make sense how you can more indirectly approach this topic? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Tuesday is sooooo close!!! Although is sounds like even though you will be free from your house, there are still a ton of restrictions being enforced. COVID is really doing a number on the world isn’t it? So many varying approaches, opinions and practices. It’s really interesting. I have no doubt, this time in history will be studied and analyzed on so many levels for decades to come.
As far as Nick, I’m curious what makes you want to reach out again? He hasn’t responded. Don’t you want a guy who is fully engaged? Who knows why he isn’t responding. It could be something you said or it could be he really found someone else he likes a lot and wants to really invest in. Maybe his mom died and he needed to disappear. Maybe he lost his job. Who the heck knows and the reason DOES NOT matter. What matters is that you are not hearing from him, so you need to decide if you want to continue to pursue him. If you do want to reach out to him again and give it one more shot, you can say something like, “I’m out of quarantine on Tuesday! I’m excited about that. The first thing I’m going to do is___________________. How are you doing? How did your renovation project go?” Something short, simple, light and easy to respond to. And then you can just wait and see what happens.
Married at First Site cracked me up!!! Holy smokes it was so painful for me to watch. I knew right from the beginning that the basketball player was not into that girl. I wasn’t sure the Christian black couple would make it, but they took things slow and I loved that they did that. And oh my!!! The couple that fought like crazy….yikes!!!! Boy were they addicted to the drama and chaos. They won’t make it very long. The other black couple was sweet, but with the girl being a virgin really did make her quite young emotionally in a big way, but she didn’t really know that about herself. Her relationship with her own sexuality, even as a virgin, was pretty much non-existent. But then again, so much of what we see is scripted. There is also a TON of time off camera that happens. They just show up the best and worst parts to keep us engaged with the show, right? I have to agree with you, that the relationship skills are greatly lacking. It makes me want to do a show, create a movie or do something to just SHOW people what it actually looks like to have an argument and have it be healthy. Someday, when I do seminars, I imagine having an acting group. I will teach a concept and then have the actors act out what most people do and then have them act out the concept I teach, so people can see and feel the differences. People need to SEE things in action in order for the teachings to reach a deeper level. And of course, it keeps the audience more engaged and having more fun. Someday this vision of mine will happen 🙂
Have you seen Love is Blind? That’s also quite entertaining.
Heidi
Hi Myo,
Being that you know you have anxiety about your love life, let’s work with that. I can see that much of your perspective is clouded by fear (anxiety is fear about the future). What are you afraid of exactly? Where is this anxiety coming from? When did this start?
Everything you are saying that this guy is communicating seems like he has a pretty healthy perspective about relationships so far. Let’s break this down a bit:
He said that he’s not sure what will happen in the future, but he said that for now, he just wants explore with world/local neighborhood with someone he loves. I like this! He is grounded in the truth that he cannot control the future or know what to expect, so FOR NOW (he is connected to the present) he just wants to explore life. This is very realistic and is a very grounded perspective and approach.
The thing is, I’m sensing that your approach to romance is being dominated by your mind instead of allowing your heart to have some influence as well. People that allow their minds to take over, have a high need for control that is sourced by the fear of getting hurt. So the fear seems to be so big for you, that you are trying to learn a “system” that you can apply so you can somehow feel safer to risk. Do you feel this is accurate? Thoughts on this?
Here is a comparison. Look at these 2 statements side by side and read both statements out loud. I would even encourage you to read both statements to your friends/family and see what they say as well. It will give you some interesting perspectives!
Here is what he says: It would mean that my wife would support and love me unconditionally. She would put in the same love and energy that I give her. She would care about my struggles, wants, and ideals just as I would hers.This statement feels like it’s coming from his heart. It’s VERY relational as he talks about himself AND her having a healthy exchange.
Here is what you say: I want a long-term partner to count on to weather through the difficult times. This statement feels like it’s coming more for the mind. Heart energy is missing in this statement. I feel more fear than anything. I would say this person’s challenge is a fear of abandonment and because of that, would be afraid to risk. I’m not saying at all, that what you want is unhealthy. Of course you, and everyone on the planet wants this. It’s more about the energy that this comment is sourced from. The energy of this comment is coming from fear. If you didn’t have fear and anxiety, here is more how you would express this same need “I’m interested in having a long, healthy, nourishing connection with a man I love. I am looking for someone that will work with me through all the challenges that show up and will be someone that is willing to learn and grow with me through those times.” Just something to think about.
What other questions can I ask to get a clearer picture of who he is and what he wants to do? My personal approach to getting to know a romantic interest is a bit different than most. You may or may not resonate with it. I like to coach people to look for the worst in someone and here is why. It is the worst of someone, that will make or break a relationship. You can have the most amazing sex, chemistry, connection, lots of laughter, tons of fun with someone, but once stress shows up, if your partner ghosts and disappears, or they become abusive on any level, or they become passive-aggressive, it breaks the emotional safety in that connection and will ruin any goodness that exists over time. So in my approach, I coach people to choose a partner based on who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. What is he like when he gets angry or hurt? What does he respond like when he gets disappointed? How does he handle loss? It’s hard to know these things about him until you actually watch him go through some of this and that takes time. But there are ways to get a small window of information. If I am seriously considering a guy, I’ll ask him questions like: What are you like when you get angry? Tell me about your biggest heartbreak? What did you do? Tell me about the biggest heart you broke? Tell me about the biggest failure you have had so far? Do you have any regrets? Questions like these will expose their thinking about the hardships of life and how they handle it. You will be able to see if they are still harboring any feelings about the past and what and how they got through the difficult times. You will be able to see some of their patterns. What you are looking for, is whether or not you would feel like their worst behaviors are loveable and workable. Obviously, someone will not admit to being abusive or admit to being critical/judgmental. You will learn all the “other” details about how he handles stress when you actually experience it. What is most important is that even in the worst moments, you BOTH respect each other. It doesn’t mean there isn’t yelling and messiness. It means there is no namecalling, there is no criticism, there is nothing said or done to harm each other. Here is an article from the Gottman’s. This is an AMAZING resource by the way. They have studied love and relationships for over 30 years and their research has helped so many of us learn about what is healthy and not healthy…what works and what doesn’t work. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
There truly is a lot to consider when choosing a good partner, but first and foremost, the focus needs to be on YOU. This is about you and NOT him. It’s not about HIM being something you need and want. It’s about YOU knowing what makes you feel safe, balanced and empowered in your life and then he will either join you or not. He gets to be who and what he wants. You get to decide if that is enough for you and he gets to decide if you are enough for him. Even though you end up at the same place with both perspectives, the energy behind the perspectives is different. With your approach, you are “other” focused. What is HE doing? What does HE want? What are HIS perspectives? What does HE believe? You are looking at HIM to see if you can feel safe. Yes, this is important, but again, the energy is being driven by fear. So that’s why I want to keep coming back to you and inviting you to create safety and security within yourself first. When you have trust in yourself, when you feel safe within yourself, when you feel empowered, your perspective will be: “This is what I need to stay balanced in my life. In my acceptance of him being exactly who he is, I will see if he fits into my world or not.” This perspective is not needing him to be anything for you. This perspective is accepting him for exactly who he is and just seeing if he fits. This is not a fear based perspective. It’s a perspective that holds honor and respect for you and also honors and respects him, not needing him to change or be anything other than who he is. Does this make sense what I am getting at?
I know I am saying a TON. It’s a lot to digest, so let’s keep talking!!!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thanks for sharing the article! I really liked it and passed it on to a few other people. Hopefully, you will keep engaging in those techniques to support yourself through the triggers coming up for you in this quarantine.
Melaleuca looks really cool. You would sell their products and get a percentage, right? Like an MLM kind of thing?
That’s so interesting about your experiences of movies. Is it the same with tv shows as well? I also get super engaged. People can’t talk to me when I’m watching a movie because I won’t hear them. I am able to disengage after though. I can understand you not wanting to watch them if it’s hard for you to disengage. What if it’s a happy movie? I imagine that would feel okay.
How are you doing? You only have a few days left. What’s next? Have you arranged to go on a meetup hike with Dean? Are you still talking? That one guy that disappeared is just so normal. It happens all the time to everyone. He most likely got more engaged with someone else. Again, online dating is like a kid in a candy store, especially for men. They have sooooooo much choice that they want to go around trying everything and not wanting to commit or invest in one thing…there is so much to try!
Heidi
Hi Myo!
I’m so glad it went well! Well done for speaking up and asking for what you need.
Let’s talk about something you said: He was a bit bummed and asked if there was a future day that I might be okay, and I said that I just wanted to focus on the present since thinking too far makes me anxious. What is this about? Do you have trouble thinking about your future in general? Do you ever dream about what you want in your future or set goals in the future that you work towards? I’m wondering if you just have anxiety thinking about your future only when it comes to love and romance or if you have trouble in every area of your life.
I imagine that your response to him about his question would have made him feel shut out. It sounds like he likes to think about your future together and now you just communicated to him that you don’t. That would cause any person to pull back a bit and become unsure. Was that your intention? Is that truly how you feel?A different way you could have communicated your feelings would have been “I cannot predict my future as to when I would be ready for something like this, but what I can tell you is that it’s definitely something I want to experience with you. (and when you tell a guy EXACTLY what you need to help you, THEY LOVE IT). What will help me get there faster is feeling like you are a good listener and that you really care about how I feel and what I need to feel safe with you and that is exactly what you are doing. So I will tell you that we are heading in the right direction :)”
I’ve had non-romantic situations where the confrontations did not go well and the relationships ended poorly. I don’t want the same thing to happen with this guy. We all have had these experiences. It’s part of life and it’s really hard to go through. I know it makes people really gunshy for future relationships. The thing is, you are letting your past, dictate your present. We all do it, so becoming aware of it can empower you to shift how you handle things. I’ve lost so many friends in my life, despite the fact that I am a highly-skilled communicator and was always willing to listen and grow. The reality is, no matter how “perfect” you handle a situation, it does not guarantee any kind of outcome. The best you can do is be caring, connective and honoring of your self and the rest is left up to the other person to decide what they want to do with who you are choosing to be. That’s why love is ALWAYS a risk and why it’s so scary. You cannot control another person’s choices. You cannot control whether or not your heart gets broken. It takes great courage to step into love because of the risk you are taking. That’s why having trust in yourself, is so important. Trust in yourself that you are resilient. Trust in yourself that you are resourceful. Trust in yourself that you can and will choose to heal. You have survived some horrible horrible experiences from your past and here you are, dating, living your life and you are okay! If you can get through something like sexual abuse, you can get through a broken heart. KNOW that about yourself. So as your anxiety comes up about the future or about anything really, remind yourself of who you truly are and the strength that lives within you.
Since you are feeling anxiety about how he may feel about what you said, why not circle back around to it. Having good communication is important, right from the beginning. You can say something like, “I just want to appreciate you. I have lost friendships in my past because of asking for what I need, so I get scared sometimes. I was nervous about letting you know I wanted a separate room than you and I have to say, how you responded made me feel more safe with you. I appreciate you respecting what I need. I know it’s disappointing, but what I want you to know that it’s in no way a reflection of you. It’s just about me honoring the pace that is good for me. I know you said it was okay for you and that you were disappointed, which of course you are. I just wanted to appreciate how wonderful you were in accepting what I needed anyways. That means a lot to me.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
