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Oh wow! You did such a great job! How did you feel at the end of the conversation?? How did you feel about the technique of getting curious?It sounds like he responded really well.
I’m wondering why you both chose not to continue to date. Was there just not enough chemistry and interest to move forward??
Here are some other resources I like:
https://brenebrown.com/ (you should watch her Netflix movie called “The Call to Courage”)
https://www.aprilbeyer.com/ (she has a matchmaking service where the women apply for free. The men are her clients and she connects them with women who sign up. She also has great dating tips as well)
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/These are just a few options. Some are about relationships and some are about healing, personal growth etc. I have a mile-long list of people I have studied from over the years, so if none of these resonate for you, I have plenty more to share!
Heidi
That’s a beautiful story! Now your job is to be saying that to yourself DAILY. Anytime that guilt shows up, anytime you start to feel depressed, anytime you start to feel yourself sinking, anytime you start to blame yourself for anything, make sure you follow those negative thoughts, with this new story. Those negative thoughts are the current program in your mind. Create a new program. It takes a while, but this new story will eventually become the dominant program. You need to be consistent and diligent. Most times that I walk my dog, I pick some type of positive, uplifting mantra I repeat to myself over and over and over again. The more you repeat the new story to yourself, the better. Write it down and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Write it on a sticky note and place it in your car. Go out and find a necklace, a bracelet or a ring and wear it every single day as a representation of this story.
Here are some easy and quick mantras:
I am loveable even if he doesn’t choose me
I am enough even if mom criticizes me
I am enough even if he doesn’t think so
I am loveableThoughts?
Heidi
What a bummer! The noise would be really difficult to deal with. Most people would suggest putting some earplugs in, but it’s actually not the best thing to do. I remember researching it about a decade ago when I have a boyfriend who snored soooooo loud. I tried the earplugs and my ears would ache every morning. I can’t remember EXACTLY what I learned about it. I just remember learning that it was energetically not a good thing for the body.
Maybe you can become good friends with your neighbors. Bake them some cookies and get to know them. Then at some point, you can ask them to turn the music down a little and they would hopefully be happy to. Maybe you can get your own sound machine that plays waves or something soothing and that can help keep your nervous system relaxed. Maybe you can find one of those things you can put at the bottom of the door to plug it up to help soundproof the place. Maybe you can look for a new place to live. Just throwing ideas out there.
I’m so glad there are some things to explore. That’s a bummer the marina doesn’t allow storing kayaks. I have no doubt you will figure all of this out. You are quite resourceful.
I’m looking forward to hearing about your first day!!! How did that meeting go that you had to lead?
Heidi
It’s not something I can control. Is just the way I feel. Guilt for my own sufferings. It IS something you can control. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that initially come up, but you CAN control how you handle them. I’ve said this before…YOU control the thoughts and feelings you have by the stories you choose to connect to. So you have this story that is on constant replay that you are guilty for your own suffering. You blame yourself for everything – just like your mom taught you. You are continuing to treat yourself the way she taught you to believe and feel. You have the control and power to begin to change that story or you can continue investing in the story that you are guilty and continue to suffer. That is the choice that you have. I’m not saying it changes overnight or anything. Changing the story about what you believe about yourself takes a lot of DAILY work and re-programming. You’ve have years and years and years of the current story running through your system, so to undo it and begin to create a new story – well that will take some time.
So if you wanted to create a new story to tell yourself when hurt and suffering shows up, what would the new story be? Your current story is that you are guilty and you are to blame and it’s your own fault. What would be the new story you would want to connect to? What story would you want to teach your own child?
I don’t have a bad mom. You have a mom who has been great and you have a mom who also has been verbally abusive. Your mom is both. She has helped you a ton in your life and she has also brought a lot of harm and hurt into your life. Part of healing is being able to embrace both the light and the dark in our parents. Your mom has let you down in a REALLY big way. She is part of the reason why you choose the men you do. She is part of the reason why you are so hard on yourself and continue to live in suffering. She is also part of the reason for a lot of good things in your life too. She is both. When we need to heal from the hurts we carry, we have to work with the hurt our parents have caused us because of their own limitations. That’s part of forgiving, releasing and then setting new boundaries around any relationship in a way that can protect us from continuing harm. Your mom is not going to change. She is going to continue to be critical and harmful with her words. So learning how to navigate that in a different way will be an important part of your healing. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Yay! You had the conversation and it sounds like he took it well. I’m curious…did you share at all about how it made you feel? I hope so, as you need to exist in this relationship as well. Sharing your feelings is not meant to change him, but just for the purpose of allowing yourself to be known. It’s not his job to fix your feelings – that’s your job. But it is your job to be known by him and to use your voice.
I agree in that it is a bit concerning that he wouldn’t be connected to why he is doing that. That may be true or he may be hiding the real reason because he is too embarrassed or something. Who knows. What will be interesting is how he responds over the next few weeks. Does he continue the behavior or does he stop? Keep me posted!!
I’m really proud of you!!! It’s always a risk to bring things like this up, because it could turn into an argument. You did a really good job and hopefully, at the very least, he becomes more connected to his behaviors. He may or may not come back with his real reasons why, but if his behavior changes, growth has happened.
I’m so glad you guys are back on track and really connecting again!!! I’m so glad you had the patience to wait for him to come to you on his own terms. You gave him the space he needed and now he is connecting because he WANTS to, not because you forced him to. I know how hard that was for you!!! You did such a good job!
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Will you keep us posted as to the results of the biopsy? I’m glad you are getting them removed though.
Let’s talk about this: I regret the time and effort and other sacrifices I did to keep this relationship. I shouldn’t There is a lot of judgment here. You know how hurtful it is when your mom criticizes you? Do you see how you are treating yourself in the same way? Your choice to connect with him the way you did and for how long did, would be a very normal choice considering what you grew up with. You made the choices you did with him because you are used to being criticized. You are used to the challenge. You are used to finding ways to get love where there isn’t much being offered. Your mom has set that pattern up for you and is still reinforcing it in your life. And now you are even turning on yourself and treating yourself with judgment instead of compassion for what you have been through. You have a lot of hurt you are carrying around every single day. That hurt, whether you like it or not or are aware of it or not, will ALWAYS influence who you are attracted to. It will always influence ever relationship you are in and every decision you make, down to the food you eat and clothes you wear. The beginning of healing that hurt is to treat yourself with love and compassion and grace, even when you do things or make decisions that have caused you or someone else hurt. There is not a person alive who hasn’t made decisions that caused harm to themselves or others. Do you really think regret and judgement is what is going to help you heal??? I’m glad you feel are feeling strong within yourself, but you are also beating yourself up quite a bit. That’s the part of you that needs your attention the most. That’s the part of you that chose this guy and you will choose a guy like that again until you start to really connect with her and love her and respect her voice and feelings. That’s what you needed and still need from your mom, right? You need to be the mother to yourself that you never had but desperately needed.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Audrey,
I am really sorry for what you are going through. It is devastating to watch someone you love, walk out of your life and there is nothing you can do about it. It breaks the heart into a million pieces.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Love is not enough. Love is the easy part. The action of love is what is the hard part. Meaning…how we interact with each other, the things we say or don’t say, the things we do or don’t do are what keeps a relationship healthy and moving forward or what breaks it.
It sounds like he has an addiction problem. I wish it was possible to be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to deal with their addiction. Addiction always is more important than anything or anyone and it doesn’t sound like it has caused enough loss or chaos in his life to really do anything about it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though. People who have addictions will always ruin intimacy and relationship. They are not in relationship with themselves, so they are not really available to be connected with anyone else on a long-term basis. Their behaviors will eventually cause so much damage to the relationship that it becomes unrepairable.
It sounds like you have some things to figure out as well. Living in a hotel must be difficult. I imagine you would feel more solid in your life if you had an apartment or a home to live in. Is there anything you can do to create a home for yourself?
The first thing you need to do is to stop texting him. Men do not respond well to women who are desperate. He knows you will do anything to get him back. You are giving him all of your power. Constantly texting him doesn’t even give him the chance to feel the full weight of his choice to leave. He doesn’t have any room to miss you and feel the loss of you. Are you willing to take a step back and stop communicating with him for a period of time?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
Wow! You have some great thoughts and are very connected to the truth. I’m loving this conversation with you!
I like the idea of the exercise you want to do, but it’s not quite going to lead you where I know you want to go. Yes, you are correct in that the abundance needs to come from within you. The thing is, trying to depend on your partner for your needs is “other” focused and so is what can I offer my partner. It’s the same thing, but just a bit of a different viewpoint. Neither viewpoint will fill the emptiness that lives within you or within him.
Instead, the focus needs to be on yourself and the rest will take care of itself. So the perspective you would take would be “What kind of girlfriend do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be that will fill me up inside and make me feel good about who I am?” This kind of thinking keeps you connected to yourself first and foremost. It’s not based on what the “other” is doing or not doing and is not based on the “his” needs. It’s all based on your needs. Who do you want to be that makes you feel really good about yourself? Basically, if you were dating yourself, how would you treat you? What would you say to you? What would you do for you? That is what self-love is. When you treat yourself the way you want to be treated…with compassion, love, curiosity, intimacy, friendship, then it just naturally spills out to treat others with the same level of love and care. Do you see the difference in perspective and thought process?
The same would go for him. When he says something like “I worry that you might not be ready to give me what I am asking for” the VERY first thing you say is (remember what I said in the previous post about dealing with feelings – validate FIRST) “I understand that. I know you have had a really hard time in the past with your past girlfriends, so I understand why this would be a concern for you. And it should be. You absolutely deserve everything your beautiful and wonderful heart desires. Of course, you want to feel like I am investing in you as much, if not more, than you. All I can tell you is that I am always working on being the very best version of myself and I hope for you to do the same. That’s the most we can ever ask from each other. How it turns out in the relationship…that’s the adventure. My desire is to have my world light up when you walk through that door and that your world lights up when I walk through that door. I want a love that is healthy and a love that is with my best friend. I will mess up many times as will you and we will deal with it when it shows up. I don’t blame you for being scared, but let’s take this journey anyways. You can have your fears and I will have my fears and we will just take one day at a time.”
So again…you are validating and then you are speaking from a place of truth and reminding him of how to handle his fears. You handle fears by reminding yourself of the truth and that will empower you. It’s not about making the fears go away, it’s about being in relationship with them and moving forward WITH them and because of them.
Does this help?
Heidi
I am glad to hear he back to the level of connectedness that you were looking for! Did he come to that space all on his own, or did you end up giving in and talking to him about all of it and how his “distance” made you feel?
It sounds like it might be a good thing to get a deeper understanding of what he is doing and why. It’s important that you go into the conversation with the sole purpose of wanting to learn about him and he can learn about you and there is no agenda of trying to change him. If he changes how he behaves, it needs to come from his own choice and not because he feels pressure from you. That is soooo important for the health of the relationship.
You can take him out to dinner and just start the conversation with something like, “I am curious about something and I’m hoping you will be willing to teach me a little bit about you. When we split, I noticed you started liking pictures of women that have more sexual undertones to them. I never noticed you really doing that before, so it makes me wonder what has changed for you? What makes you like the picture vs. just looking at it? When we first started dating, it upset you when I made comments about celebrities being attractive. It seems you have changed your mind. What shifted for you?” Obviously you aren’t going to pelt him with all of these questions at once. I just wanted to give you some options of questions you can ask him during your conversation. You want to make sure you pay very close attention to his reactions to the conversation. If you sense at all that he is getting defensive or closing up, lighten up the conversation. Take a step back. You can even remind him “Honey, I truly am wanting to learn about you. That’s all this conversation is. I can see you might be feeling a bit protective. Are you worried about something?”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
yay! You made it! What’s it like there? Do you like where you live? I know it’s not home, but at least it’s better than Louisiana. Thank goodness! I hope the people treat you like a queen as you deserve!
How come you would drive home for your week off and not fly?
It doesn’t sound like Dean really captures your attention. It sounds more like you would only be interested because he pursued you but not because you actually really like him. At least you can enjoy his meetups!
Good luck on Tuesday! Doing new things creates the adventure in life. You are anything but boring because of it!
Heidi
Wow! You are currently on your way to start a new adventure!!! It’s happening! New home, new environment, new co-workers. I’m sending sooooo many good vibes your way!!! I look forward to hearing how everything goes.
I’m really confused. What do you mean they came as his 100% match? So you only saw Dean once? Are you confused as to whether or not he actually likes you? When are you planning on going back? Now that you have seen him in person again, what are your thoughts about him? Is Dean someone you are attracted to?
Heidi
Hi Brenda,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. It truly is awful to have been with someone for 36 years and to find something like this out. You think you know someone and then moments like this make you question everything. It’s shattering.
The good thing is, it’s out in the open now. It’s something that can be explored and I’m so glad you guys are getting a counselor to help you navigate this.
I will tell you, him watching porn has nothing to do with you. If he admitted to doing this all along, he most likely has been doing it his whole life, way before he met you. A person’s sexuality is quite layered and dynamic. Every single person has different beliefs and experiences and that doesn’t make any one person better or worse for it. It just all depends on how their beliefs and actions affect their life. Whatever your husband’s relationship with porn is, it’s about how he was shaped, what he was taught, the experiences he had and the stories he created around those experiences. Just like you. So now is time for exploration with each other in a new area of your lives. You want him to apologize and I get that. It will not change who he is though. He most likely has some level of addiction to porn. It’s been a part of his life for many decades and it’s not going to go away just because it hurts your feelings. What is most important is that you and he BOTH tap into your sexual beliefs, feelings and needs and understand them on a deeper level. Whatever he is feeling, is not wrong. There are reasons for it. Whatever you are feeling is not wrong either. You have reasons for it. So it’s time to dig up all the the deeper influences of your sexuality and his sexuality and just learn about each other. It’s a really good thing! It will bring more honesty and openness to the relationship. It won’t be easy and it will be hurtful, but only because your beliefs and feelings are going to be different. You guys will have the choice to work through it or not, but at least it’s out in the open and can be worked with. Hopefully you have a good therapist that can keep bringing you guys back to the truth and is able to help you both get to know each on a deeper level.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It sounds like you guys have a pretty strong connection. It feels wonderful, doesn’t it? Isn’t the tofu thing crazy??? I’ve had that happen before and it just tickles my spirit.
I understand your desire to want to stay connected with him. I wish the strong connection were enough to keep people together, but it just isn’t. It sounds like he has quiet a bit of fear that is keeping him from really investing you…or anyone for that matter. We ALL have fear when it comes to love, but the difference between each person is whether or not they are willing to face it.
Him believing that all he can depend on is himself, is actually true. It’s true for all of us. But his belief is coming from a place of fear and a need to protect instead of a healthy place. You may be able to help inspire him to face this fear…who knows. One of the best ways to help support someone through their fears is to remind them of the truth.
Something you might say could be: “When we first met, you said you could only depend on yourself. You have shared how difficult it is to plan for the future. I understand this. Truth is, it is a risk to plan for the future because I could walk away or ruin it somehow. You could do the same to me. With love, there are no guarantees. At any given moment, one of us could change our minds and the truth is, no matter what relationship we are in, that is always a possibility. Here is what I also know. In order to risk falling in love, it means risking to get my heart broken. The only way I can do that is to know that no matter what you decide to do or who you choose to be, I will be okay. If I end up with a broken heart, it will be hard, but I know I am resilient. I know that I am resourceful. I know I can heal and I know I will get back up onto my feet. That is what allows me to risk. I have trust in myself.”
Do you get the path I am setting up here? Reminding him of his best self, reminding him that regardless of what his ex did, he is resilient and he made it through. Of course no one wants to go through that again, but if that is what he really wants, he needs to go be a monk or something, because there is no guarantee you or any other woman won’t break his heart. When we are facing fears, we need to be reminded of our greatness. WE need to be reminded that regardless of the hurt, there were many great lessons learned. With ALL pain, there are gifts waiting for us, if we choose to open them. The only purpose for pain, is to help someone grow. So if you really think about it, pain is a GOOD part of life, even though it hurts.
These are just some perspectives to think about. What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow!!! I love that everything is going so well! Has he started using pet names again? Is he telling you that he loves you?
In regards to him liking photos, if he is that disconnected from his actions and how they would affect you, then there is reason for concern. Have you ever had any type of conversation around this? You said it wasn’t his “normal” behavior, but did he used to do it every once in awhile?
There is a reason for what he is doing and I would invite you to create an open conversation about it. You need to understand his perspective and where it’s coming from and he needs to understand your perspective and why. The first rule of thumb though, is to NOT put any rules on him. He gets to be who he wants to be and so do you. If that means he wants to continue to look at pictures and like them, then he gets to keep doing that. It’s important that you accept him for who he is and not try to control him. It’s important for you to understand what and why he is doing this and then with that information, you get to share how it affects you. He then gets to decide how he wants to handle it. So before having this conversation, it’s VERY IMPORTANT you get very clear about what you are comfortable with, what you want and what you need. You need to be soooo clear about it that even a kindergartner would understand what your needs are.
So let’s help you get more clear. What are some of your deeper thoughts about him liking sexual pictures of other women? What do you think that says about you? You think he should know better….how come? He may be someone who really enjoys porn and he hasn’t shared that part of himself with you yet. What would your thoughts be about that?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I’m sooooo glad the letter worked! That’s wonderful! When are you guys going on your walk?
I love that you have learned bout his love language compared to yours. That’s important! You guys were definitely missing each other in this particular area. Although love languages are helpful to understand, I like to coach people to look at the order of their love languages on a deeper level.
A relationship needs ALL of the love languages. There are ones we are obviously more comfortable with and ones that are less important and those are things to really look at. For example, I wonder if your love languages would be in the order that they are in, if you had a loving, connective and supportive father. If you think about it, he was super critical of you, so words of affirmation then become the most important love language to you and quality time becomes one of your least important. I have no doubt your experiences with your father have helped shape this in you. Does this make sense? It’s just another way to understand and know yourself and your partner.
As far as creating a safe space for him, here are some things to be aware of. Whenever talking about a difficult subject I like to follow these guidelines in this specific order.
1. Validate: it doesn’t matter if you agree with what they are feeling, you want to just validate that person. Everyone has struggles and even if it doesn’t make sense to you, you CAN validate the struggle they are having. It helps someone feel listened to.
2. Get curious: While validating someone, it’s always good to ask them questions about what they are feeling and going through. It helps the other person feel like you are present with them, you want to know them and it makes them feel like you actually care. It also will bring out more information so you are able to more deeply understand their headspace. So for example, some of the questions I would be asking your guy is “why do you think you have struggled finding someone who isn’t able to love you in the way you want?” Why do you think that physical touch is the most important to you? Tell me more about physical touch for you and how it makes you feel. What kinds of physical touch are your favorite and why? Is there any kind of physical touch that you don’t like? And you can ask him those questions about every love language. You sitting there and asking him questions will probably be new for him, but it will help build a safe space because he will feel like you are truly interested in knowing who he is. He will feel cared about. And while you are asking him questions, grab his hand! Ask if holding hands would be okay while you guys walked and talked. (and yes, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, touching his arm…all of those things count. No need to add sex into the mix until you are ready).I like to recommend to go through steps 1 and 2 over and over and over again. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT part of a conversation. Most of the time, that’s all that is really needed.
The final step is:
3. Problem solve: Once all the information is out on the table and each person has emptied out, it’s a good time to head into problem solving. Come up with some creative solutions to help each other get your needs met. Many times, people jump straight to problem solving and that can actually create conflict. One of the biggest complaints from people is they are not feeling heard and known by their partner, so that’s why hanging out around steps 1 and 2 are the most important. I like to tell people to imagine they are a reporter and they need to write an article about the issue their partner is dealing with and your partner is the expert. What information would need to gather about that particular issue to write a really good article? What questions would you need to ask? What do you need to understand about that issue in order to write an article about it? That’s the mental side of the equation and then adding validation into the mix is where the heart comes in.Does this help?
Heidi
