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yay! You made it! What’s it like there? Do you like where you live? I know it’s not home, but at least it’s better than Louisiana. Thank goodness! I hope the people treat you like a queen as you deserve!
How come you would drive home for your week off and not fly?
It doesn’t sound like Dean really captures your attention. It sounds more like you would only be interested because he pursued you but not because you actually really like him. At least you can enjoy his meetups!
Good luck on Tuesday! Doing new things creates the adventure in life. You are anything but boring because of it!
Heidi
Wow! You are currently on your way to start a new adventure!!! It’s happening! New home, new environment, new co-workers. I’m sending sooooo many good vibes your way!!! I look forward to hearing how everything goes.
I’m really confused. What do you mean they came as his 100% match? So you only saw Dean once? Are you confused as to whether or not he actually likes you? When are you planning on going back? Now that you have seen him in person again, what are your thoughts about him? Is Dean someone you are attracted to?
Heidi
Hi Brenda,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through. It truly is awful to have been with someone for 36 years and to find something like this out. You think you know someone and then moments like this make you question everything. It’s shattering.
The good thing is, it’s out in the open now. It’s something that can be explored and I’m so glad you guys are getting a counselor to help you navigate this.
I will tell you, him watching porn has nothing to do with you. If he admitted to doing this all along, he most likely has been doing it his whole life, way before he met you. A person’s sexuality is quite layered and dynamic. Every single person has different beliefs and experiences and that doesn’t make any one person better or worse for it. It just all depends on how their beliefs and actions affect their life. Whatever your husband’s relationship with porn is, it’s about how he was shaped, what he was taught, the experiences he had and the stories he created around those experiences. Just like you. So now is time for exploration with each other in a new area of your lives. You want him to apologize and I get that. It will not change who he is though. He most likely has some level of addiction to porn. It’s been a part of his life for many decades and it’s not going to go away just because it hurts your feelings. What is most important is that you and he BOTH tap into your sexual beliefs, feelings and needs and understand them on a deeper level. Whatever he is feeling, is not wrong. There are reasons for it. Whatever you are feeling is not wrong either. You have reasons for it. So it’s time to dig up all the the deeper influences of your sexuality and his sexuality and just learn about each other. It’s a really good thing! It will bring more honesty and openness to the relationship. It won’t be easy and it will be hurtful, but only because your beliefs and feelings are going to be different. You guys will have the choice to work through it or not, but at least it’s out in the open and can be worked with. Hopefully you have a good therapist that can keep bringing you guys back to the truth and is able to help you both get to know each on a deeper level.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It sounds like you guys have a pretty strong connection. It feels wonderful, doesn’t it? Isn’t the tofu thing crazy??? I’ve had that happen before and it just tickles my spirit.
I understand your desire to want to stay connected with him. I wish the strong connection were enough to keep people together, but it just isn’t. It sounds like he has quiet a bit of fear that is keeping him from really investing you…or anyone for that matter. We ALL have fear when it comes to love, but the difference between each person is whether or not they are willing to face it.
Him believing that all he can depend on is himself, is actually true. It’s true for all of us. But his belief is coming from a place of fear and a need to protect instead of a healthy place. You may be able to help inspire him to face this fear…who knows. One of the best ways to help support someone through their fears is to remind them of the truth.
Something you might say could be: “When we first met, you said you could only depend on yourself. You have shared how difficult it is to plan for the future. I understand this. Truth is, it is a risk to plan for the future because I could walk away or ruin it somehow. You could do the same to me. With love, there are no guarantees. At any given moment, one of us could change our minds and the truth is, no matter what relationship we are in, that is always a possibility. Here is what I also know. In order to risk falling in love, it means risking to get my heart broken. The only way I can do that is to know that no matter what you decide to do or who you choose to be, I will be okay. If I end up with a broken heart, it will be hard, but I know I am resilient. I know that I am resourceful. I know I can heal and I know I will get back up onto my feet. That is what allows me to risk. I have trust in myself.”
Do you get the path I am setting up here? Reminding him of his best self, reminding him that regardless of what his ex did, he is resilient and he made it through. Of course no one wants to go through that again, but if that is what he really wants, he needs to go be a monk or something, because there is no guarantee you or any other woman won’t break his heart. When we are facing fears, we need to be reminded of our greatness. WE need to be reminded that regardless of the hurt, there were many great lessons learned. With ALL pain, there are gifts waiting for us, if we choose to open them. The only purpose for pain, is to help someone grow. So if you really think about it, pain is a GOOD part of life, even though it hurts.
These are just some perspectives to think about. What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow!!! I love that everything is going so well! Has he started using pet names again? Is he telling you that he loves you?
In regards to him liking photos, if he is that disconnected from his actions and how they would affect you, then there is reason for concern. Have you ever had any type of conversation around this? You said it wasn’t his “normal” behavior, but did he used to do it every once in awhile?
There is a reason for what he is doing and I would invite you to create an open conversation about it. You need to understand his perspective and where it’s coming from and he needs to understand your perspective and why. The first rule of thumb though, is to NOT put any rules on him. He gets to be who he wants to be and so do you. If that means he wants to continue to look at pictures and like them, then he gets to keep doing that. It’s important that you accept him for who he is and not try to control him. It’s important for you to understand what and why he is doing this and then with that information, you get to share how it affects you. He then gets to decide how he wants to handle it. So before having this conversation, it’s VERY IMPORTANT you get very clear about what you are comfortable with, what you want and what you need. You need to be soooo clear about it that even a kindergartner would understand what your needs are.
So let’s help you get more clear. What are some of your deeper thoughts about him liking sexual pictures of other women? What do you think that says about you? You think he should know better….how come? He may be someone who really enjoys porn and he hasn’t shared that part of himself with you yet. What would your thoughts be about that?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I’m sooooo glad the letter worked! That’s wonderful! When are you guys going on your walk?
I love that you have learned bout his love language compared to yours. That’s important! You guys were definitely missing each other in this particular area. Although love languages are helpful to understand, I like to coach people to look at the order of their love languages on a deeper level.
A relationship needs ALL of the love languages. There are ones we are obviously more comfortable with and ones that are less important and those are things to really look at. For example, I wonder if your love languages would be in the order that they are in, if you had a loving, connective and supportive father. If you think about it, he was super critical of you, so words of affirmation then become the most important love language to you and quality time becomes one of your least important. I have no doubt your experiences with your father have helped shape this in you. Does this make sense? It’s just another way to understand and know yourself and your partner.
As far as creating a safe space for him, here are some things to be aware of. Whenever talking about a difficult subject I like to follow these guidelines in this specific order.
1. Validate: it doesn’t matter if you agree with what they are feeling, you want to just validate that person. Everyone has struggles and even if it doesn’t make sense to you, you CAN validate the struggle they are having. It helps someone feel listened to.
2. Get curious: While validating someone, it’s always good to ask them questions about what they are feeling and going through. It helps the other person feel like you are present with them, you want to know them and it makes them feel like you actually care. It also will bring out more information so you are able to more deeply understand their headspace. So for example, some of the questions I would be asking your guy is “why do you think you have struggled finding someone who isn’t able to love you in the way you want?” Why do you think that physical touch is the most important to you? Tell me more about physical touch for you and how it makes you feel. What kinds of physical touch are your favorite and why? Is there any kind of physical touch that you don’t like? And you can ask him those questions about every love language. You sitting there and asking him questions will probably be new for him, but it will help build a safe space because he will feel like you are truly interested in knowing who he is. He will feel cared about. And while you are asking him questions, grab his hand! Ask if holding hands would be okay while you guys walked and talked. (and yes, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, touching his arm…all of those things count. No need to add sex into the mix until you are ready).I like to recommend to go through steps 1 and 2 over and over and over again. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT part of a conversation. Most of the time, that’s all that is really needed.
The final step is:
3. Problem solve: Once all the information is out on the table and each person has emptied out, it’s a good time to head into problem solving. Come up with some creative solutions to help each other get your needs met. Many times, people jump straight to problem solving and that can actually create conflict. One of the biggest complaints from people is they are not feeling heard and known by their partner, so that’s why hanging out around steps 1 and 2 are the most important. I like to tell people to imagine they are a reporter and they need to write an article about the issue their partner is dealing with and your partner is the expert. What information would need to gather about that particular issue to write a really good article? What questions would you need to ask? What do you need to understand about that issue in order to write an article about it? That’s the mental side of the equation and then adding validation into the mix is where the heart comes in.Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry about having the tumors in your neck! This must be scary for you. I’m glad you are getting it biopsied. Is it causing any other problems, like thyroid issues or swallowing problems?
I’m glad you feel very resolved with not wanting to re-connect with him. It sounds like you are very grounded and connected to what you do not want to deal with. And yes, you do need a therapist, but we ALL do. I haven’t met a person yet who couldn’t use expert advice and healing.
I’m curious why you are regretful. This experience you had with him was very difficult for you for sure. You have learned about yourself though, right? You have recognized your patterns, you had enough strength to get away much sooner than you did before and you are in a good space now. All of those things are so important for growth. Him treating you so poorly helped you grow. You made it through and are stronger for it. Do you really regret that?
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any new updates? How are you feeling about the breakup? Are you still talking to that guy that your friend connected you with? We’d love an update!
Heidi
Hey there! How are you doing? Have you found a therapist you can work with? How are you feeling now? Would love an update.
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It sounds like he is quite confused. He doesn’t want you to leave and he doesn’t want you to stay. Do you know anything about his relationship past? What were his past experiences like? How come he is going back to his country at the end of the year? Why does he believe you have to be married if you go with him? Is that a cultural thing?
When he said he doesn’t feel like you give him enough space, do you know what he actually meant by that? Meaning, what were you doing EXACTLY that was making him feel like he wasn’t getting enough space from you? What EXACTLY does he need differently from you?
Do YOU want to marry him? Do you feel like he is someone you deeply love and want to continue to grow with? Is he offering you the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? It sounds like something is missing for him. Do you know what is missing for him, that makes him not want to take you with him?
Heidi
OMG! I’m sooooo excited you got to get into your amazing mountains!!! Finally!!!! Your spirit must have just opened up. You got a seriously big drink of nourishment. I’m impressed with having snow shoes, a pack and all the distance you covered, especially at that altitude! Sheesh! Make sure to thank your body for doing such a good job for you!!! And OMG…you picked up a hitchhiker!!! Holy smokes! I love the experience you got to have with him!!! What kind of pro athlete was he? How fun that you got to have a great conversation and now might get connected into being a guide. You would be spectacular at that!!!!
Jay sounds quite interesting. Do you know what spiritual enlightenment means to him? Either way, it sounds like you are enjoying talking to him. What do you like about him?
I think it would be great to contact a matching agency. It would be wonderful to get some help and you would get to meet all kinds of new guys!
Wow…you are leaving so quickly. What else are you going to do while you are still there? Any other hikes you plan on doing? How is your depression? How are you feeling now that you have your freedom?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I’m emotional and I’m trying to validate myself and prove that what my ex said about me wasn’t true How about you stop giving your power away and stop trying to prove anything to your ex and connect to the truth of who you really are and leave it at that. People will think things about us and we do not have any control over it. The moment we try to “prove” anything, we lose ourselves. There is nothing to prove to anyone, except for yourself. Take back your power. Stop living and doing anything for ex. You are valuable, loveable and worth knowing, even if your ex would say differently. You are all of those things AND so much more, with or without anyone else.
But how do I know if he is just using me or if I am pushing him away? What is happening between you guys is not your fault. Him stopping all of that wonderful connection was about HIM, not you. I’d like to invite you to take your energy that is focused on him and bring it back to yourself. He can only use you if you allow him to treat you that way. If you are questioning his intentions, it’s not because of his actions. It’s because of something that you are sensing inside of yourself. If you don’t want to be used by him, what do you need from him so you don’t feel used? What can you do to support yourself so you don’t feel used?
Heidi
are you officially a free woman??? It’s Tuesday!!! The place where you wanted to go sounds quite delightful. What do you feed the chicks?
The soft snow is the best kind of snow for sure. We also were in the 60s one day and then BAM! Snow and 15 degrees this morning and climbing into the 30s and 40s the rest of the week.
Tell me about Jay.
I’m not sure what season I watch of MOFS. I’ll have to look. I don’t know which I prefer. It’s all pretty painful to watch honestly. lol!
Heidi
Hi Sheri!
It sounds like you are doing a really great job at looking at yourself, your husband and seeing what does work and what does not work. You are someone who is willing to see the truth and embrace it. You are someone who is willing to learn and grow. He sure is lucky to have you!!!
I love that you guys are going to talk and just catch up and reconnect like old friends. That is such a great way to create safety and strengthen your friendship and bond. I would suggest keeping things lighter and more fun just for right now. Find things to laugh about and maybe even walk down memory lane and share some of your thoughts and feelings about when you first saw him. No need to dive deep, unless it naturally goes there. Have the intention of just restoring and renewing your friendship and bond and create a really safe space for him to be himself and you be yourself. Save the depth for a few conversations down the road. For now, just spend time getting to know each other again. Use some of the questions I mentioned above to get to know him in a different way. Remind him and remind yourself about why you are together. Have the intention of bringing the very best out in him and bring your very best self to the conversation as well. Even consider putting on an outfit that makes you feel amazing. Do your hair and makeup in a way that makes you feel beautiful and soft.
When are you guys going to talk? Are you guys planning on going somewhere to have this conversation?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I love the article about 100 questions. It’s great stuff!!! Thank you for sharing.
You say you want to be in a good headspace when you talk to him again. What does that look like for you? You want to improve, so what headspace are you in now, that you want to improve upon?
Lastly, I also want to encourage you that it’s okay to be yourself too…all the messy bits included. So you can have the best intentions to be in a good headspace, but if it somehow doesn’t go down that way, that’s okay! You are human and messy and you are still loveable. I just want to reinforce that. I know you know this already, but it’s always good to have a reminder.
Heidi
