Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I know you are not quite connected to the new story yet. It’s okay that you don’t “feel” it or believe it. Say it anyway. Over and over and over again. The more you say it, the closer you will come to connecting with it. One day, you will start to feel it. You have to CHOOSE that new story and make this new story more important and more valuable than your old story. Your old story feels real because you have thousands of repetitions of repeating it. So you need thousands of repetitions of this new story. Don’t ever give up though. This new story is what the truth is and what is possible for you, IF YOU CHOOSE IT!
This is not needed because honestly it amused me. And I even wondered why did I think like that one month ago.. You have a VERY strong part of you that is connected to the truth Ecaterina. You KNOW the truth when everything is okay. The real test is when everything is NOT okay. This is where the disconnect happens for you. You KNOW you are loveable and worth fighting for, even if a guy doesn’t think so, but you DO NOT know this in the middle of being rejected. When this last guy was not choosing you, you immediately went into everything you did wrong and wanted to figure out how to get him back. This is the point where EVERYONE struggles. When someone doesn’t choose us and rejects us, our low self-esteem shows up and we get disconnected from the truth. It’s normal. The difference between all of us though, is how quickly we re-connect back to the truth. The longer it takes, the more junk we are carrying. A decade ago, it would take me a good week, a good month to deal with rejection. Now…it takes me hours, or just 1 session. The difference is the baggage I have released and worked through. The more baggage, the more low-esteem. It have always known what the truth is, but knowing is not enough. Being able to connect to and FEEL the truth, even in the middle of hurt and chaos, is when you really know the truth has anchored into your cells and is a part of ALL of you, not just your mind. Does this make sense? So you have high self-esteem AND you have low self-esteem. The goal is to be connected more to your high self-esteem, the truth, even when someone is rejecting you, whether it be a guy or your mother or your child. This is the greatest challenge of life.
Regarding mom is not so easy.. every her word of criticism make me angry. Very angry. I am yelling and going crazy from every negative thing I hear from her. Every time. Of course you are angry. You have had a lifetime of criticism and it still continues to this day. Your anger is healthy and normal. It’s an appropriate response to her criticism. The thing is, that anger needs to be channeled and used in a healthy way. That anger is meant to also inspire you to create something different, so that you no longer live with that criticism. That’s where a therapist can really help you figure out what that means and what that looks like for you. Does this make sense?
What are the results for the biopsy? When is your surgery??
Heidi
Ha! Having some eye candy, no matter their age, can definitely help, right??? I love that!
Good attitude Rhonda. You are a powerful light and you have the ability to shift the energy of that whole place. You can bring light into any toxicity and you can help places and people heal.
When are you going out to kayak??
I love that Dean is still staying connected with you. Have you thought more about him? Would you consider maybe giving him the green light and flirting with him a little more?
Heidi
Hi Amanda!
You have some amazing thoughts and feelings that are grounded in truth and care for yourself. I can definitely tell that you are doing some very deep work with yourself. Well done! The path to self-love is not an easy one, but you are now getting to experiences some glimpses of the strength you carry internally. You are heading in a really good direction which will lead you more and more towards attracting everything you need and want!
I have discussed with my therapist my fear of not letting myself love again but I think I’m getting past all that and as much as it still scares me I’ll get there one day. Here is the thing about F.E.A.R. It’s a false story. F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal Fear is just a story we have created and attached to a feeling and belief about whatever has happened. Since you have a story about your past, that story fuels the fear you carry and that fear exists because you want to protect yourself. Here is the thing. You will ALWAYS have fear…especially when it comes to falling in love. I don’t know a human being alive that doesn’t feel fear as they are stepping into love. It’s scary! It’s vulnerable and it’s a risk. There are no guarantees the love will last, the love will remain healthy, the love will be nourishing long term or that the love will be expansive and supportive. Because someone else’s choice is always involved and will contribute to the quality of love, there is always the risk of getting your heart broken. There are no guarantees. Even when love is nourishing and amazing and healthy, you are going to get hurt and you are going to hurt. So there is no way to avoid the pain that comes with love. You will always be scared to step into love and that’s okay! The goal is not to get rid of the fear, the goal is to attach to a story that is BIGGER than the fear story. The goal is to make that new story full of truth and connect to that story at the core of who you are. The new story is this, “No matter what someone else chooses, I will be okay. No matter how someone else ends up feeling, I will be okay. Even if I get cheated on, betrayed or walked away from, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am resourceful, I know I can heal and WILL heal. I am more than any hurt that shows up. I will choose to use any hurt that shows up in my life and use it to learn about myself, use it to empower me and view all hurt as a gift in my path.” When you truly believe this and this is your story, you will be able to step into situations WITH your fear. Fear will always be with you, but it’s been in the driver’s seat controlling you. Instead, it’s about putting fear in the back seat, let it have a voice, but ultimately the adult side of you, who is connected to the truth, will decide. The adult side of you needs to appreciate and value what your fear has to say and always consider that perspective, but again…ultimately you will decide what is best for you NOT based on fear, but instead based on truth. Does this make sense?
it will be expected of me to date and try and find someone. That social pressure is hard to overcome Who expects you to date and find someone? What social pressure?
There’s a definite fear that I will get into a relationship and I’ll let myself fall back into that person, I already talked about fear above, so let’s address this part of you that tends to give too much. I’d like to invite you to think about this in a different way. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses. Our greatest weaknesses are always our greatest strengths. You give “too” much. That just means that you have the ability to love deeply and completely. You are not someone who is half hearted, half invested, half anything when it comes to love. You love to love and you do it really well. When you love someone, you want to give them the world! Not everyone is like that! This is part of who you are. You came to this earth with this gift and with this beautiful capacity to love. It is natural for you to love this way. It’s effortless. With that being said, it will ALWAYS be a balancing act for you. Because it is one of your greatest strengths, it will also always be your greatest weakness and it will be something you will always have to work on. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. We ALL have a balancing act of some sort that we will be challenged with. Our gifts are something to be protected, something to be learned about, something to be honored and respected. Your gift of love is a treasure of the utmost, highest vibration. That means it needs to be valued and protected by you, even the limiting side of it. There will be a gazillion more times in your life where you will give too much. The goal is to recognize it quickly and then get back on track. As you are recognizing it, you are having compassion for yourself. When you give too much, you are just wanting to care and connect with someone and that’s a beautiful thing! But sometimes you will do that at the expense of yourself and that’s where you will start to feel out of balance. The definition of co-dependence is “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” And that’s not a bad thing! It’s only harmful when it becomes the dominant way that you live your life, so your journey is more about finding the balance. Sometimes you will overgive and that’s okay! You will just overgive and then self-correct. Sometimes overgiving is okay. You are the only one who knows that fine line. Expect to overgive, but also expect that you will return to self-love and self-connection and that’s the lifelong skill you need to stay connected to. You are learning and developing now, so like I said previously…you are on a very good path!
letting the world hand me whatever it decides to throw my way I guess! I just want to point out the “I guess” part at the end. All of us are creators, we are not victims. This statement has a victim type of energy to it where are just standing by and dealing with whatever shows up. While there is truth that we must deal with whatever shows up, there is truth in that we each called every situation into our lives. Meaning, we are creators and have influence as to what shows up. You are more powerful than you realize. I would like to invite you to instead have the thinking of “The world is going to show me what lives within me to help me expand and grow and know myself. What shows up in my life is my teacher and I embrace all of it. I embrace and accept all the gifts and all the challenges that show up and know that everything is a reflection of what lives within me. Each time, I will learn how to navigate differently and what needs to be shifted so I can create something different.” That is an empowered statement. There is no “I guess” in there. It’s taking 100% responsibility and control of what shows up in your life. It’s a knowing that you are a powerful creator and you influence what shows up. Your statement is passive…you are just a bystander letting life happen to you. Instead, embrace that you are creator and you MAKE life happen FOR you…not TO you. Do you understand the difference in thinking?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Your poor heart. You have invested quite a bit into this guy and this friendship and potential relationship with him. It’s so darn hard when they don’t respond. You guys obviously have a strong connection with each other, which makes this all the more difficult. Those kinds of connections don’t show up every day. It’s special for sure.
No, it’s not as simple as “if he loved you, he would be with you” AND it is. Choosing to be in a relationship with someone is sooooo much more than love. Love and connection are actually the easy part. The other parts, which is what make up most of the relationship, is the hard part. Communication, authenticity, honesty, integrity, fun, sex, money etc. Love and connection inspires people to merge their lives, but what will make or break a relationship is how that couple navigates and functions in that merging of 2 worlds. Where it IS that simple, is that when a man or a woman wants to be with someone bad enough, they will do what it takes, no matter what is in their way. That is what your friends are saying and there is truth in that. The thing is, your guy has A LOT going on and his choice is to adjust to his new identity and his new life. He is choosing to do that instead of being in a relationship with you, which to be honest, is saving you an even bigger heartbreak. He is not ready and had he chosen to continue this romantic journey with you, he would have shattered your heart even more down the road.
Let’s be realistic here. Whenever he IS ready, he most likely will date other women as well. He may just keep you as a friend because he already knows how you feel, he already knows what it’s like to date you and he may want to visit uncharted territory and explore the dating life a little more before settling down again. He knows he can’t just date you. If he steps into any romantic with you, he knows it’s a commitment and he is stepping into something deeper and committed with you. Dating is whimsical and light and there are no commitments, so it may be something he needs to explore for a while.
The fact that you guys are still connecting every single day, it’s keeping you tied to him. You are living for the future, instead of really truly living in the reality of what is happening TODAY. Today, there is no relationship beyond just being friends. Today, you are wanting something from him that he not able to offer you. Today, you are choosing to put all of your energy into a guy who is not available. Today, you are investing your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes and dreams into a situation that does not exist. He is not reciprocating the same thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. You can continue to invest in something that doesn’t exist and spend your time hoping and waiting for something more, or you can choose to take back your power and create a different situation. Either way it hurts Amanda. If you stay on this path, the hurt of daily rejection, the hurt that will come when he goes on dates, the hurt that comes with simply an unrequited love…all of this you will be dealing with and there is no end…until he chooses and end or you choose an end. That’s a pretty difficult path to live on. The other path, where you disconnect, take back your power and turn your focus on yourself, what you want and choose to invest ALL of your energy in building your life into something that nourishes you, serves you, empowers you and strengthens you…that’s going to hurt as well because it means saying goodbye to the story you have created with this guy and saying goodbye to the friendship. It doesn’t mean you not be friends anymore, it just means the friendship will shift and change into something more healthy. It will be hard and it will hurt and you will have tears. It’s a big loss AND you would allow yourself to heal and move on. You would be choosing to love and care for YOURSELF over the connection with him.
There is a lot more to say, so let’s keep this conversation going. There are a lot of layers here and I love that you are reaching out! I love that you are with a therapist working through the deeper stuff and I love that you have the courage to ask the questions that most people are terrified to ask. You are strong Amanda. You are resilient, you are intelligent and you are sooooo much more than this situation you have created with this guy. You are bigger than just sitting around and waiting for a guy. You have the capacity to love deeply and intensely. I would love to see you give yourself the opportunity to experience that with someone who is on the same page as you.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! That is not good news about your immediate boss. Of course you don’t want to be in another toxic environment. Is it possible to keep your feelers out for another job? If this guy ends up being quite toxic and horrible to work for, you can always leave. You never know though! I’ve been warned about people before but ended up really connecting with the “toxic” people. We all have different levels of connection. I like to imagine angel wings being wrapped around the person/people and situation. Remember that God, and you, are much bigger than this situation and anything that shows up. You are not stuck. You have a choice, so just keep asking God for guidance and help every single day. Remember that people that are that toxic, usually have had some pretty horrible experiences in their life. He most likely is a survivor of some type of horrible abuse. It’s no excuse to treat people with disrespect, but it could be a reason. It helps me to remember things like that so I can activate my compassion for their hurting heart. Start praying for him every single night!!! You are more powerful than you give yourself credit for. You DO have the ability to shift this situation into something more purposeful and beautiful. It is not a mistake that you landed there and not a mistake that you and your boss’s path is crossing. There are many gifts waiting for you as you take this new journey, no matter how long you stay.
Heidi
Oh Rosario! I’m sooooo sorry to hear this update. What kind of “things” does he need to work through? It sounds like he had some things to say as well, but he put it on you. Interesting. Either way, it sounds like he was finally honest.
I know your heart must hurt quite a bit. What are some of your thoughts? What are you doing to take care of yourself right now? How are you feeling about the ending???
Heidi
Oh wow! You did such a great job! How did you feel at the end of the conversation?? How did you feel about the technique of getting curious?It sounds like he responded really well.
I’m wondering why you both chose not to continue to date. Was there just not enough chemistry and interest to move forward??
Here are some other resources I like:
https://brenebrown.com/ (you should watch her Netflix movie called “The Call to Courage”)
https://www.aprilbeyer.com/ (she has a matchmaking service where the women apply for free. The men are her clients and she connects them with women who sign up. She also has great dating tips as well)
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/These are just a few options. Some are about relationships and some are about healing, personal growth etc. I have a mile-long list of people I have studied from over the years, so if none of these resonate for you, I have plenty more to share!
Heidi
That’s a beautiful story! Now your job is to be saying that to yourself DAILY. Anytime that guilt shows up, anytime you start to feel depressed, anytime you start to feel yourself sinking, anytime you start to blame yourself for anything, make sure you follow those negative thoughts, with this new story. Those negative thoughts are the current program in your mind. Create a new program. It takes a while, but this new story will eventually become the dominant program. You need to be consistent and diligent. Most times that I walk my dog, I pick some type of positive, uplifting mantra I repeat to myself over and over and over again. The more you repeat the new story to yourself, the better. Write it down and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Write it on a sticky note and place it in your car. Go out and find a necklace, a bracelet or a ring and wear it every single day as a representation of this story.
Here are some easy and quick mantras:
I am loveable even if he doesn’t choose me
I am enough even if mom criticizes me
I am enough even if he doesn’t think so
I am loveableThoughts?
Heidi
What a bummer! The noise would be really difficult to deal with. Most people would suggest putting some earplugs in, but it’s actually not the best thing to do. I remember researching it about a decade ago when I have a boyfriend who snored soooooo loud. I tried the earplugs and my ears would ache every morning. I can’t remember EXACTLY what I learned about it. I just remember learning that it was energetically not a good thing for the body.
Maybe you can become good friends with your neighbors. Bake them some cookies and get to know them. Then at some point, you can ask them to turn the music down a little and they would hopefully be happy to. Maybe you can get your own sound machine that plays waves or something soothing and that can help keep your nervous system relaxed. Maybe you can find one of those things you can put at the bottom of the door to plug it up to help soundproof the place. Maybe you can look for a new place to live. Just throwing ideas out there.
I’m so glad there are some things to explore. That’s a bummer the marina doesn’t allow storing kayaks. I have no doubt you will figure all of this out. You are quite resourceful.
I’m looking forward to hearing about your first day!!! How did that meeting go that you had to lead?
Heidi
It’s not something I can control. Is just the way I feel. Guilt for my own sufferings. It IS something you can control. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that initially come up, but you CAN control how you handle them. I’ve said this before…YOU control the thoughts and feelings you have by the stories you choose to connect to. So you have this story that is on constant replay that you are guilty for your own suffering. You blame yourself for everything – just like your mom taught you. You are continuing to treat yourself the way she taught you to believe and feel. You have the control and power to begin to change that story or you can continue investing in the story that you are guilty and continue to suffer. That is the choice that you have. I’m not saying it changes overnight or anything. Changing the story about what you believe about yourself takes a lot of DAILY work and re-programming. You’ve have years and years and years of the current story running through your system, so to undo it and begin to create a new story – well that will take some time.
So if you wanted to create a new story to tell yourself when hurt and suffering shows up, what would the new story be? Your current story is that you are guilty and you are to blame and it’s your own fault. What would be the new story you would want to connect to? What story would you want to teach your own child?
I don’t have a bad mom. You have a mom who has been great and you have a mom who also has been verbally abusive. Your mom is both. She has helped you a ton in your life and she has also brought a lot of harm and hurt into your life. Part of healing is being able to embrace both the light and the dark in our parents. Your mom has let you down in a REALLY big way. She is part of the reason why you choose the men you do. She is part of the reason why you are so hard on yourself and continue to live in suffering. She is also part of the reason for a lot of good things in your life too. She is both. When we need to heal from the hurts we carry, we have to work with the hurt our parents have caused us because of their own limitations. That’s part of forgiving, releasing and then setting new boundaries around any relationship in a way that can protect us from continuing harm. Your mom is not going to change. She is going to continue to be critical and harmful with her words. So learning how to navigate that in a different way will be an important part of your healing. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Yay! You had the conversation and it sounds like he took it well. I’m curious…did you share at all about how it made you feel? I hope so, as you need to exist in this relationship as well. Sharing your feelings is not meant to change him, but just for the purpose of allowing yourself to be known. It’s not his job to fix your feelings – that’s your job. But it is your job to be known by him and to use your voice.
I agree in that it is a bit concerning that he wouldn’t be connected to why he is doing that. That may be true or he may be hiding the real reason because he is too embarrassed or something. Who knows. What will be interesting is how he responds over the next few weeks. Does he continue the behavior or does he stop? Keep me posted!!
I’m really proud of you!!! It’s always a risk to bring things like this up, because it could turn into an argument. You did a really good job and hopefully, at the very least, he becomes more connected to his behaviors. He may or may not come back with his real reasons why, but if his behavior changes, growth has happened.
I’m so glad you guys are back on track and really connecting again!!! I’m so glad you had the patience to wait for him to come to you on his own terms. You gave him the space he needed and now he is connecting because he WANTS to, not because you forced him to. I know how hard that was for you!!! You did such a good job!
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Will you keep us posted as to the results of the biopsy? I’m glad you are getting them removed though.
Let’s talk about this: I regret the time and effort and other sacrifices I did to keep this relationship. I shouldn’t There is a lot of judgment here. You know how hurtful it is when your mom criticizes you? Do you see how you are treating yourself in the same way? Your choice to connect with him the way you did and for how long did, would be a very normal choice considering what you grew up with. You made the choices you did with him because you are used to being criticized. You are used to the challenge. You are used to finding ways to get love where there isn’t much being offered. Your mom has set that pattern up for you and is still reinforcing it in your life. And now you are even turning on yourself and treating yourself with judgment instead of compassion for what you have been through. You have a lot of hurt you are carrying around every single day. That hurt, whether you like it or not or are aware of it or not, will ALWAYS influence who you are attracted to. It will always influence ever relationship you are in and every decision you make, down to the food you eat and clothes you wear. The beginning of healing that hurt is to treat yourself with love and compassion and grace, even when you do things or make decisions that have caused you or someone else hurt. There is not a person alive who hasn’t made decisions that caused harm to themselves or others. Do you really think regret and judgement is what is going to help you heal??? I’m glad you feel are feeling strong within yourself, but you are also beating yourself up quite a bit. That’s the part of you that needs your attention the most. That’s the part of you that chose this guy and you will choose a guy like that again until you start to really connect with her and love her and respect her voice and feelings. That’s what you needed and still need from your mom, right? You need to be the mother to yourself that you never had but desperately needed.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Audrey,
I am really sorry for what you are going through. It is devastating to watch someone you love, walk out of your life and there is nothing you can do about it. It breaks the heart into a million pieces.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Love is not enough. Love is the easy part. The action of love is what is the hard part. Meaning…how we interact with each other, the things we say or don’t say, the things we do or don’t do are what keeps a relationship healthy and moving forward or what breaks it.
It sounds like he has an addiction problem. I wish it was possible to be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to deal with their addiction. Addiction always is more important than anything or anyone and it doesn’t sound like it has caused enough loss or chaos in his life to really do anything about it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though. People who have addictions will always ruin intimacy and relationship. They are not in relationship with themselves, so they are not really available to be connected with anyone else on a long-term basis. Their behaviors will eventually cause so much damage to the relationship that it becomes unrepairable.
It sounds like you have some things to figure out as well. Living in a hotel must be difficult. I imagine you would feel more solid in your life if you had an apartment or a home to live in. Is there anything you can do to create a home for yourself?
The first thing you need to do is to stop texting him. Men do not respond well to women who are desperate. He knows you will do anything to get him back. You are giving him all of your power. Constantly texting him doesn’t even give him the chance to feel the full weight of his choice to leave. He doesn’t have any room to miss you and feel the loss of you. Are you willing to take a step back and stop communicating with him for a period of time?
Heidi
Hi Myo,
Wow! You have some great thoughts and are very connected to the truth. I’m loving this conversation with you!
I like the idea of the exercise you want to do, but it’s not quite going to lead you where I know you want to go. Yes, you are correct in that the abundance needs to come from within you. The thing is, trying to depend on your partner for your needs is “other” focused and so is what can I offer my partner. It’s the same thing, but just a bit of a different viewpoint. Neither viewpoint will fill the emptiness that lives within you or within him.
Instead, the focus needs to be on yourself and the rest will take care of itself. So the perspective you would take would be “What kind of girlfriend do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be that will fill me up inside and make me feel good about who I am?” This kind of thinking keeps you connected to yourself first and foremost. It’s not based on what the “other” is doing or not doing and is not based on the “his” needs. It’s all based on your needs. Who do you want to be that makes you feel really good about yourself? Basically, if you were dating yourself, how would you treat you? What would you say to you? What would you do for you? That is what self-love is. When you treat yourself the way you want to be treated…with compassion, love, curiosity, intimacy, friendship, then it just naturally spills out to treat others with the same level of love and care. Do you see the difference in perspective and thought process?
The same would go for him. When he says something like “I worry that you might not be ready to give me what I am asking for” the VERY first thing you say is (remember what I said in the previous post about dealing with feelings – validate FIRST) “I understand that. I know you have had a really hard time in the past with your past girlfriends, so I understand why this would be a concern for you. And it should be. You absolutely deserve everything your beautiful and wonderful heart desires. Of course, you want to feel like I am investing in you as much, if not more, than you. All I can tell you is that I am always working on being the very best version of myself and I hope for you to do the same. That’s the most we can ever ask from each other. How it turns out in the relationship…that’s the adventure. My desire is to have my world light up when you walk through that door and that your world lights up when I walk through that door. I want a love that is healthy and a love that is with my best friend. I will mess up many times as will you and we will deal with it when it shows up. I don’t blame you for being scared, but let’s take this journey anyways. You can have your fears and I will have my fears and we will just take one day at a time.”
So again…you are validating and then you are speaking from a place of truth and reminding him of how to handle his fears. You handle fears by reminding yourself of the truth and that will empower you. It’s not about making the fears go away, it’s about being in relationship with them and moving forward WITH them and because of them.
Does this help?
Heidi
I am glad to hear he back to the level of connectedness that you were looking for! Did he come to that space all on his own, or did you end up giving in and talking to him about all of it and how his “distance” made you feel?
It sounds like it might be a good thing to get a deeper understanding of what he is doing and why. It’s important that you go into the conversation with the sole purpose of wanting to learn about him and he can learn about you and there is no agenda of trying to change him. If he changes how he behaves, it needs to come from his own choice and not because he feels pressure from you. That is soooo important for the health of the relationship.
You can take him out to dinner and just start the conversation with something like, “I am curious about something and I’m hoping you will be willing to teach me a little bit about you. When we split, I noticed you started liking pictures of women that have more sexual undertones to them. I never noticed you really doing that before, so it makes me wonder what has changed for you? What makes you like the picture vs. just looking at it? When we first started dating, it upset you when I made comments about celebrities being attractive. It seems you have changed your mind. What shifted for you?” Obviously you aren’t going to pelt him with all of these questions at once. I just wanted to give you some options of questions you can ask him during your conversation. You want to make sure you pay very close attention to his reactions to the conversation. If you sense at all that he is getting defensive or closing up, lighten up the conversation. Take a step back. You can even remind him “Honey, I truly am wanting to learn about you. That’s all this conversation is. I can see you might be feeling a bit protective. Are you worried about something?”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
