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Hi Ipsita,
I know you have been really enjoying working with Spyce. I hope it’s okay that I offer a bit of guidance for you as well.
One of my specialties and talents is asking questions, so I thought I’d give you some ideas. The first thing to remember about questions is it is NOT about the question, but more about the energy behind the question. Questions are about gathering information, BUT to what end? Some people use the info. to control and manipulate and some use the info. to just learn about the person. Imagine you are a reporter and you want to write an article about him. It’s not about judging his answers but instead, after he answers a question, you dig deeper with another question, then another, then another. Make sure you also share yourself during the process otherwise it can feel like an interview to him and that’s not what you want. Being that he is the more closed off type, you have to pay attention to the signals he gives off when he is done answering questions. He might start to get distracted, or he might avoid answering, or he might start to shift his body a lot etc.
Direct questions are okay! The thing is, you need to just be yourself. You are trying to study so much to be the “perfect” girl so you catch his attention, but the truth is, you need to just be yourself and if that is not enough to catch his attention to the level you desire, then he is not available for you. So be yourself. I personally am a very direct person, so I ask very direct questions, but sometimes I can tell someone might be more sensitive, so I will be less direct. Each person and situation is so different, so you need to decide who you want to be with him, then formulate your questions from that energy.
We can help you formulate some of your questions. What specifically do you want to know? What do you want to learn about him? What are you hoping to accomplish by asking him questions?
heidi
Hi Morgan,
Thank you for sharing more detail. It’s very helpful.
So I’m curious…do you flirt at all? Are you comfortable flirting with other guys?
It’s not a bad thing that you are comparing your dates to Carson. He has set a standard for you. The thing is, you have never let him go. You are still holding out for hope and that is why you can’t seem to get over him. You CAN get over him if you really wanted to. There ARE other guys out there who will be able to catch your attention and take you on an adventure. Loving many times throughout your life is not an unusual thing. Think of love like a tree. Each branch that grows represents love and connection with a specific guy. When that journey ends and you stop feeding that particular branch, it will go to sleep and not be active anymore and that is what allows you to move onto another experience. You just have never stopped feeding your branch that represents Carson.
I imagine with him coming back from his mission, he has a lot on his mind about his future. It’s not unusual for a guy to be very driven to get his life together before really settling into a relationship. You both are still so very young, so it might even be scary for him that if he steps into a relationship with you, it’s much more serious (you want to marry him). That can be very intimidating to a guy when he doesn’t feel like his life is figured out and settled. That’s what the 20s are for. It’s the time to experiment, try many different jobs, get to know who you are and what you want without parents hovering (although it sounds like his mom still might be) and to try on all sorts of things. I’m wondering if some of this is what is stopping him from moving forward with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m so sorry about the noise! That’s such a difficult thing to deal with when you are not able to sleep. I know with it being only 1 night a month, it may be manageable with earplugs or something. Reality is though, that person needs to be living somewhere else and NOT an apartment complex!
How is it going at work? Have you decided what you would like to do? It may be a good idea to put some resumes out there, regardless. That way, the word is out and you may find another opportunity that is better for you. Just a thought.
How was mother’s day? Did your son have his graduation yet?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. Let’s see if we can do something to help you feel better about your situation.
Let me just make sure I understand correctly. You went on a date in 10th grade, but it didn’t go anywhere. He is your brother’s best friend. He talks to you a lot and it’s evident you also have a friendship with him. You just want something romantic. Correct?
First, if he is your brother’s best friend, that definitely adds complications. If things get messy between you and this guy, it also ruins the friendship with your brother. Becoming romantic will change everything. That may be something that is holding this guy back from stepping into something romantic with you. The consequences are very high and it’s a very risky pursuit. He may not be willing to take that risk quite yet. What happened after the date a few years back? Did he just not ask you out again? What did it feel like? Has he ever said anything romantic to you? Do you guys flirt at all?
Have you ever talked to your brother about his thoughts on it? Have you asked him how he would feel about it? Your brother matters in this situation as well.
You might be chasing ghosts or you might not. I love that he is treating you really well and of course you would want to be with him even more because you hardly have had that in your life. Let this guy be your standard. There are a TON of guys out there that will respect you, care about you, protect you, want to know you, and believe you are a treasure in their life. Accept nothing less than this!!! Ever! This guy is a great role model for you.
Heidi
I’m talking with two men and I want to go sign up with that matching service in Calgary. Is that bad of me? Seriously??? No. Go for it! The very best you can do Rhonda is to follow your guidance. If you want to do it, then have fun with it! So what that you are talking to 2 men. I think it’s important to keep all doors opened until 1 person ends up inspiring you to close the door on the rest of them. Dean and Jay are not inspiring you at the moment. Is there something wrong with you that you don’t feel the spark? Who knows. I do know that there are soooooo many things we think, feel and believe that are being influenced from places deep in our subconscious. So it’s possible you have some energetic block that stops you from really opening your heart to being treated well. It’s also very possible you just are not inspired and that’s all it really is. So all you can do is move forward with the information you DO have. And what you DO know, is that neither of them peak your interest or inspire you into something further. That’s true for today and that’s about all you have to deal with. Tomorrow might change so you’ll deal with it then. Trust yourself. You are always doing the very best that you know how with the information you have…and that’s enough Rhonda.
I’m so sorry you don’t get to go to his graduation. I’m glad to hear your other son is able to make it and is willing to help his bro out. Transitioning into the real world is tough!!! Especially in this climate.
I understand your fears about his belief. What it really comes down to though, is that his relationship with God is his own to explore. Have the strength to encourage his exploration. Maybe you can join him. Maybe he can help you expand your experience or thought process about God if you are open to it. Either way, it’s a journey together and either way, whether he connects to or believes in God, it does not mean that God rejects him. He is loved and cared for regardless. Isn’t that what you also believe?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda
It makes sense about what your son is doubting. God is far beyond human comprehension and in a human mind, I can see why he would doubt that it’s even possible for God to love sooooo many people. That’s where faith comes in, right? And a lot of people struggle with the dark (being mistreated) and trying to reconcile that if an all powerful God exists, why would he allow darkness to exist. I would want to ask some further questions like, “what makes you think it’s not possible? And why would you think that you would get left behind? What do you think that says about you?” and “if people are mistreating you, why are you connecting that to God? How does your relationship with God get affected by people not treating you well?” “What kind of God do you WANT to believe exists?” “What do you think you need in order to feel like you are loveable and important to God?” Just keep asking question after question after question. Keep creating the space for him to open up and DO NOT try to correct him or tell him he is wrong with how he believes. That doesn’t create a safe space for him to be honest with you. I know his beliefs right now are triggering for you. What are YOU afraid of if he doesn’t believe in God the same way you do?
Who is Jay? I don’t remember him. And happy birthday!!! Is it today?? the 7th?? I love that Dean is sending you some pics. He sounds quite thoughtful. I’m wondering, what makes you think something is wrong with you, just because you are only half interested in these guys?
Heidi
Rhonda! What are you doing not giving yourself credit for your parenting skills! Yes, he may have been born independent but YOU fostered that in them! You gave them an environment that allowed them to be themselves. You could have been like your mom and squashed their spirits over the years, but you chose another way. Sheesh! Give yourself a big pat on the back for being an amazing mom!!!
Did you ask him why he believed that God didn’t love him? Before sending him any information, I would suggest understanding him more. Something is going on for him. He has a ton of thoughts and beliefs because of EXPERIENCES he has had, so sending him emails and another book is not going to get to the root of his challenges. Ask him a lot of questions and let go of your agenda about how he should be experiencing God and why he is wrong in believing what he believes. He believes what he does right now because it is what makes sense to him. Instead of trying to convince him he is wrong, go into HIS world. Go into HIS perspective. Thoughts?
It’s such a bummer what is happening with your boss. Unfortunately, anything you say to him could get you fired. So unless you are willing to risk that, I suggest to keep your mouth shut, find ways to communicate with him that soften him and DO NOT tell him anything other than what he wants to here. If you don’t mind getting fired, say what you want :). If there are people that can help you, then great. Just know that if you try to stand up to him or get other people involved, you are stepping into a war zone. If that’s okay for you and you feel inspired to help make those changes, then go for it! If not, I suggest finding another job. It’s up to you.
Heidi
Hi Myo,
I love that you are cautious in your approach to dating. More people could use that kind of approach. I think our divorce rate would drastically decrease if people were more cautious about who they let into their lives.
As far as adding to your profile, the main key ingredients are to have good pictures that show many sides to. Maybe one picture of you hiking, then another picture of you all dressed up, then another picture of you working out etc. Does this make sense? I LOVE LOVE LOVE your call to action technique. It does allow for a guy to more easily continue a conversation with you. Well done! It’s different and creative. I know the BIGGEST complaint I hear from both men and women is how mundane it gets to be reading profiles, because everyone does the same exact thing. They list their likes, dislikes, what they do and what they want or don’t want. It gets boring after awhile. One thing I always suggest is to NOT mention what you don’t want. Make sure you are only talking about what you do want.
I like to encourage people to create a story when describing themselves. When my clients have used this technique, they get all kinds of interesting responses in return. What I mean is, explain who you are through scenarios or stories vs. just saying “I love to dance” You can instead say, “When a good song comes on, I love to get up and dance and be silly.” Or you can say things like “I would pick having a food fight at home over going to a fancy restaurant. I would pick spooning early in the morning over going to the gym. I would pick spending my days with animals over spending it with movie stars.” Do you get what I’m saying? When you give people PICTURES, they will get it so much more than when you just give them a bunch of words AND it’s so much more fun to read. Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I am so sorry! I can see why you feel crushed and devastated and why you would feel like a failure. Of course you would. You raised him to believe a specific way and now he is questioning it. I know this belief and how you experience God is core to who you are, so it would even feel like a rejection of you on some level.
I’d like to offer another perspective, as I myself went through the same thing. First, I fully believe it is a sign of strength and intelligence to question what you were taught. I imagine you would not want your son to believe in God just because it’s what he was told to do. A true belief needs to come from experience. A true belief has been challenged and morphed into many different shapes and sizes before it settles into something. You believe what you believe about God, because of all of your years of experience and it feels right for you. Your son however, has not had that yet. He is challenging it because he needs to figure out how HE wants to experience God. It takes an incredible amount of strength to challenge our paradigms, so I would say Rhonda…you are VERY FAR from being a failure as a mom. You did an INCREDIBLE job with him. The fact that he has the kind of strength to question his paradigms, is incredible. The fact that he has the guts to tell you, knowing how it would make you feel, is a testament to his inner strength. He needs to know his beliefs and who he is, separate from you and that is exactly what he is doing. To me…you have been a wonderful mother to have that kind of son.
The thing is Rhonda, wherever he lands with God, doesn’t truly matter. It’s going to shift and change as he shifts and changes through his development. God takes on many forms. God works in a gazillion different ways, regardless of how we view or experience our beliefs of what or who “he” is. What matters most, is that YOU have the strength to create a container for him to continue being honest with you. Let him experience that YOU have the strength to allow him to separate from you and your beliefs. Create the container for him to develop his very own relationship with God. You can guide him by asking him questions and giving him some ideas and things to think about, but then let it go and allow him to do with it as he needs. Stay curious. Get to know your new son that is emerging now.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Happy belated birthday!!!! I hope you felt well loved and appreciated!!! Did you do anything to celebrate your life?
I understand the social pressure and the programming that is all around you. I too had to deal with (and still do) the social thoughts and programming that we deal with to get married and have kids by a certain age. I am in my 40s and single and never been married. I get told I’m too picky and in a round about way, people will try and ask “what do you think is wrong with you?” They of course are not that direct, but I know what they are asking…lol. The thing that is ironic though, is every single one of these people who have created judgments about my situation, don’t know me. They don’t ask me questions and they don’t care to be curious about my thoughts and feelings about it. They just take the very little information I have given them and create a story about it. I don’t blame them as their stories are also my stories sometimes too. I grew up believing I’d be married, in a house with kids by my 30s. That’s what everyone does!!! So when we start to surpass the programming, it gets uncomfortable…for everyone! The thing is, it’s just a program. That’s all. I wouldn’t change a darn thing in my life. I LOVE being in my 40s and single. I am more confident, grounded and centered in myself more than I ever have been. Every single year, I become more of who I am, which just means I will attract an even better man. What I am interested in, is experiencing the kind of love that is limitless, powerful and expansive, so until my guy shows up, my focus is becoming all of those things…and more. That is your job as well. Look at every single aspect of your life and where you are relying on him to make you feel happy instead of doing it for yourself. Look at your desires and really dissect them. Part of what you are feeling for him could be influenced by the programs that live within you that you should be with your person by now. I have watched women step into marriages because of that programming…not because it was what they deeply wanted. I’m not saying that is you. What I am saying is that social programming is so darn strong and influences us in such ways. Just something to think about.
I don’t know what I need to do now to make the relationship happen? You can’t “make” anything happen. This is you trying to control the situation and reality is, you have no control over what he does or what he chooses. All you have control over is yourself. I want to encourage you to take your focus off the relationship and turn it onto yourself. When YOU become the best version of yourself, everything around you will work out in the very best ways to serve you. That might mean you need to let him go. That might mean he comes back to you. Who knows! What I do know is that when we get attached to a person or situation turning out a specific way, it can really get in the way of growth and expansion. It will hinder the situation more than help it. Because if you think about it, trying to control or force something to happen comes from the energy of fear. So…what are you afraid of if things don’t work out?
I know for a fact that he is who I want to be with forever. I understand this. I know you feel a strong connection with him and he opens you up in ways that feel amazing. AND….forever is a fantasy. There are no guarantees how things will turn out…ever. The only guarantee is that things will change. Sometimes the change is together and sometimes it’s not. What you do know is that he is someone you want to explore life with TODAY. Right now is the only real moment that exists. So to cement your beliefs that he is your FOREVER person, is just not a reality. This kind of belief can really stop you from experiencing the fullness of life.
when it ended was trying to work out how I got it so wrong, I began to doubt myself, second guess every though I had! You didn’t get anything “wrong.” You loved and you wanted it to last forever. That’s normal. That’s why I am encouraging you to let this belief go that you have any control over “forever.” It’s causing you to doubt yourself. What IS true is that you are human, you risked, it didn’t work out the way you thought…at least for right now…and so you pick yourself back up. You are resilient. And then you continue on in your life expecting more. Expect that you will fall in love again. Expect that you are going to have an even more powerful connection coming towards you and that the love you WILL feel again is going to take you to the next level. It could be with him or it could be with someone else. I’ve loved more than a handful of times in my life and every single time it got better and the next love I feel will take me into the universe. I will accept nothing less.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Hi Taliya!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here. I’m really sorry about how hard it has been between you guys. Relationships can be so triggering. Trying to bring 2 personalities and worlds together and merge them is quite tricky.
I’m glad to hear that you resonate with some of the concepts we teach. When you are emotional and he is logical, it definitely can create some disconnect and make it quite a lonely experience for both of you. I imagine he doesn’t feel very understood either. You BOTH need to do some work to find the middle. You guys have very different ways of living and experiencing life, so it’s about you guys understanding that and then finding ways to navigate it differently. Do you think he is the kind of person that will want to navigate that with you? Do you think he is someone who is willing to grow and learn?
Next time you see him, just say the truth. Something to this effect will help (remember you are speaking to a logical/head person – not a feeling person. So when you say things, you wanna put a little of you (emotions) in there along with a little bit of him (logical). “Listen…I first want to say, I am sorry about saying I want a divorce. I was angry and hurt and felt like I had nowhere else to go and I said something I actually didn’t mean. That was an unkind thing to say and I wish I could take it back. I’m learning a lot about myself right now and what I am realizing is that as much as I feel not heard by you, I’m not hearing you very well either. I am far from innocent in our challenges and I think it’s time for me to step up and be a better partner for you. I am emotional, you are more logical. So we wend up missing each other on a lot of things. But you know what? I can learn. We can learn. What I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt…is that you are worth fighting for. I love you. I want us to spend our time together laughing and enjoying life, not fighting. Are you willing to forgive me?”
How does saying something to this effect feel for you? You can also add in there some of the specific things you learned from our course and how you want to be better. Men, in general, respond to CONCRETE things. Speaking in feelings can cause them to feel lost, so when you get concrete, specific and detailed, they can grab onto the information better.
Heidi
Your weekend sounds promising! I hope you are able to feel nourished and replenished by your explorations. Let me know your very favorite things you saw!
It seems like Dean hasn’t quite caught your attention. That’s okay. Only time will tell. I’m sure spending more time with him will help you understand a little better about what is missing. Either way, it doesn’t sound like he is the guy for you…at least for today 🙂
I must have misunderstood about the kayak. I thought you brought it with you and you live near water. How come you have to wait until you go home?
Who knows about Andrew. Everyone’s perspectives are always jaded by their own eyes. I like that he is nice to you so far. My guess is, he is extremely insecure and feels incompetent and feels like he doesn’t fit in…hence the bad treatment towards others. Insecurity definitely fosters anger and criticism. I’m curious to see how things develop with him over time.
Heidi
Hi Sierra,
Welcome to the forum! I want to acknowledge your thoughts about the program. I can see why you would feel frustrated. To come and read a bunch of stories of heartache and loss considering the program is talking about creating connection, would make you question the program. I completely get it and what you are noticing makes sense. Let me explain what we offer a little further.
All the guidance offered in these programs is about understanding yourself on a deeper level as well as understanding how men tend to operate and what they tend to respond to. I wish there were just 1 golden answer for everything, but each situation is different. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, your guy is not going to respond, for whatever reason. We offer ideas of how women can inspire the very best from their guy and how to understand the male perspective from a much deeper level. We have a TON of success stories and I’m sorry you did not find any. Most of those threads are inactive since they accomplished what they wanted and no longer need guidance.
Behind any healthy relationship, is a confident woman. Many times, in our coaching advice, we need to get the woman connected to her power, her value, her confidence FIRST because many times, the lack of those things are a BIG contributing factor to the challenge. That is why you will see us offering that kind of advice first and foremost. There are a lot of layers we work through when helping someone with their situation. Love is far from simple and straightforward and healthy relationships require skill, knowledge, understanding, acceptance and a willingness to grow and learn. This forum and the programs offered are for those purposes.
So why not give us a try? What is happening in your situation? We would love to talk with you and guide you through whatever challenges you are facing right now.
Heidi
Oh Ecaterina! My heart just sank. I am so sorry to hear about the results. You must be scared, shocked and have a ton of questions. I hope you will able to find some good people to support you and to connect with as you go through this process. I imagine they will do surgery and follow it up with chemo. Will you keep me updated? It’s awful to have to wait a whole week because of Easter.
I’m glad you are able to connect to the different times of when your high self-esteem is present and when your low self-esteem is present. It’s the same for everyone. That low self-esteem that lives within each of us, gets expressed in various ways, but essentially, it’s our child energy that comes out…just like when your son gets mad at you. You, as the adult, know he is just being a child, knows he is going to have big reactions sometimes and it’s normal, knows his reactions do not always make sense and are most of the time quite inflated. If you think about it, we ALL do that when get triggered. We have BIG reactions, we don’t think straight, emotions are intense and everything hurts. That’s child energy. That child energy is who carries the low self esteem as well. That child energy can act like many different ages as well. Sometimes I feel like a jr. high kid and sometimes I feel like a 5 year old. That always lets me know what age is carrying the low self-esteem. No matter the age or the problem, as the adult, it’s our responsibility to “parent” that child energy with comfort, encouragement, validation and support. That kind of parenting is what will get results and help shift the emotions. The judgment and criticism, as you well know, just makes things worse. This is a skill Ecaterina and one that most people don’t build very well. It’s hard. In healing, you will go back to that child and learn what got stuck at that age to create such intense emotions. You connect to the lies and hurts and then you release them. The you do that, the smaller the child energy becomes and the bigger the adult energy becomes. You become a much better parent to yourself as well.
Sending you some really big healing vibes Ecaterina!
Heidi
