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Oh my!!! I felt the panic as I was reading it and then followed peace and serenity. To go from one extreme to the other in just half the day is so interesting!!! To have all of that adrenaline only to get home and land on the water and connect with nature and calm your system…well Rhonda…I would say that’s perfection! And then to end on such a beautiful night under the stars with a fire and a few people just sounds delightful. Soooo glad it all turned out okay, despite how it all started. Whew!!!
Lol! I can’t believe he didn’t take off his mask! Did he do that on purpose or was he just not thinking about it? He finally made it!!! Your boy has now graduated from college. Such a monumental moment!!!! Now he gets to officially start the journey of adulthood and take everything he has learned out into the world. Let’s see what he does with it!
Good luck with Dean today. I’m sure he will be very happy to get to hang out with you today 🙂
Heidi
What’s stopping you from initiating a meetup with Jay? If he doesn’t want to meet up, I imagine it would be a good time to disconnect and no longer talk.I’m curious to see how you feel around Dean when you meet up.
Your fire in the park sounds wonderful!!! It will be really wonderful to hang out with a friend of yours and get out of work mode. A fire outside is ALWAYS so calming and cozy. Hopefully the weather will stay beautiful for you! I’m glad you have at least 2 free days to go play and fill up that beautiful heart of yours. I know you are currently driving, so hopefully it’s peaceful and easy!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Thank you for sharing more details! There’s a lot to unpack here, so hopefully how I break it down for you, will help you make sense of it.
I sometimes feel I should walk away, but to where? Walking away is not based on having somewhere else to go. It’s about you exiting a situation and choosing YOURSELF over connection. So you say to where? The answer is to yourself. When you are choosing to stay connected to a guy that doesn’t feel like a good experience, then the reason you are staying connected is sourced from woundedness…which it sounds like you have a lot of! Being that you have grown up with a ton of rejection, it’s not unusual to choose someone who is rejecting and then trying to do and be everything he needs so you can gain his acceptance…something you desperately want to feel. It’s a very common pattern and a pattern I used to do a lot of as well, so I get where you are coming from!
I still can’t picture being with anyone else and I really feel like he wants me around but is so scared he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Just because you can’t picture being with anyone else, doesn’t mean it’s not possible or that a better situation doesn’t exist. It just means you can’t see it or connect to it. That’s what makes breakups and separations so scary for most people. It’s stepping into the unknown. It takes great strength to choose that path and trust that something else / someone else is going to enter into the picture again at some point. I’ve dated for over 20 years and have worked with 100s of ladies. Something always shows up at some point to give us a new experience.
I plan to play it a lot more cool with him, meaning not constantly following him and basically begging for interaction. I have been learning about how his mind works and letting him come to me so I want to try that and see what happens. How exhausting!!! All you are doing is thinking about him and HIS needs and catering to whatever design HE wants. Where do YOU exist in this equation? Self-love is about existing WITH someone. Allowing YOUR needs to be heard, listened to and validated is an important aspect of self-love and if the person across from you is not interested in any of those things, then you are with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to love you or care for you the way you deserve.
He seems to be aware of his emotions surrounding his ex-girlfriend. He has told me things and been tearful. As far as doing anything to deal with those emotions- not in a constructive manner. He is very much a man’s man with the ego and bravado that go with that. He’s not the type to “work on his baggage”, but in his own way he is working on trusting me. He questions me about things that concern him in an effort to believe me. When he got hurt from his ex, he decided to go take a pill and not work on his feelings. Because of that choice, he is now making YOU deal with all his fears. He is making YOU work to gain trust. This is a guy that is not choosing forgiveness. He would rather take a pill to feel better than to forgive and release what happened. A guy who handles hurt and fear this way, is NOT a good partner to go through life with. He buries things, but then YOU pay the price for it. Are you sure you want to stick around for that?
I always tell people, when they are choosing someone to love and let into the innermost sacred part of their hearts, they need to choose someone based on their worst qualities, not their best qualities. Meaning…you want to see how they treat you in their worst moments. You want to see how they handle stress. You want to see how they treat themselves when things get really hard. You need to feel respected and cared about, even in his worst moments. Anything short of that, you are looking at a TON of hurt and challenge, regardless of how wonderful things are when it’s good. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT aspect to pay attention to. You already know he doesn’t want to face things, look at himself and deal with his hurt. So what kind of partner is that going to make him when things get hard between you guys? Just something to consider.
One last thing about trust. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to heal his hurt and lack of trust issues. It’s HIS JOB!!! You CANNOT heal him. You can give him all the amazing experiences in the world and it’s not going to change that he still hurts because he has never faced it. Trust is NOT about the other person. Trust needs to live inside of us. Meaning…when a person puts their trust in someone else, it’s giving away their power to the other person. Instead, imagine keeping trust inside of yourself. That kind of mindset and connection to yourself is what makes someone resilient AND be able to risk. The truth is, people lie. You WILL lie to him, he WILL lie to you. You WILL hurt him and he WILL hurt you. So now what? Does trust just keep getting broken over and over again?? Instead, keep trust within yourself first and foremost. So this is how I view it: “I TRUST myself that no matter what this person decides to do, I will be okay. I TRUST that I am resilient, resourceful and I can heal. I TRUST that I can handle every situation and move on.” THAT is empowered thinking. That is someone who keeps the power within, the connection within, the strength within, the self love and the knowing of who they are. Does this make sense?
I want to be content in my life to where a relationship is a bonus not a life preserver. I was single 6 years and thought I’d healed myself. I didn’t, I just hid from everything. Now I want to improve. Hopefully to attact him back, but more so for myself so I can be content if he never wants me again. I have developed some hobbies and interests, working on making friends and trying to improve my negative self-image. I’m sooooo so sorry for whatever you had to survive in your life. I’m so proud of you though, for finally fighting for yourself. Whoever harmed you took your power away, but NOW…you are empowered and can CHOOSE to no longer let those experiences ruin your life and keep you limited. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it! There is a lot of healing that needs to take place for you, but better that path than staying stuck in your past and living imprisoned by fear. Check out this website and person. I really like her!! She has helped a TON of women improve their self-love. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
I gave you a lot to think about! Hopefully it wasn’t too much.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
There is A LOT to unpack here. Let me just start by saying that I too grew up with an incredible amount of trauma. I am in my 40s now and have spent many years working and sifting through all of it, so there is a lot to share about love and how trauma affects it.
I just am really just wondering if there is even anyone out there who actually would want me for who I am. And stay loyal. Yes! The thing is, YOU have believe that and set your standard to that FIRST. When we are carrying trauma energy, that skews our view of every single thing we interact with. Because of the traumas, you are having trouble seeing good in most people and only really seeing the dark. There’s been a lot of trauma in my life, and so I’ve kind of lost a lot of faith in the world and just kind of believe everyone is evil because it’s very rare that I see any kindness. This is your viewpoint and “story” you have about people BECAUSE of the trauma, not because it’s actually true. The truth is, ALL of us are good and evil, right and wrong, dark and light…even you. The difference between people is where they live most of the time. It’s important for you to connect to the stories you are creating about your life. With trauma, it’s VERY easy to have stories that keep you in a victim mentality. It’s easy to have stories where you can’t trust anyone and you are not safe. I know these stories VERY well and sometimes they still come up. The thing is, part of healing is shifting those stories and connecting more to the truth, so you can have a more clear perspective about what is actually happening.
For example, your feelings for him could actually be coming from what is called “trauma love or trauma bonding.” It feels EXACTLY like real feelings, so it’s incredibly hard to decipher. I have enough experience to know that some of what you are saying about how you feel about him, has a trauma energy to it. For example, you are saying he is the only one you feel safe with, he has come to your rescue many times, he is always there for you to talk to etc. This is all about him “doing” things for you that would make you feel safe, in contrast to the traumas you have had to endure. Whenever someone has had a lot of trauma, it’s not uncommon to bond STRONGLY to a kind, supportive person. The thing is, trauma love/bonding is not a clear connection, because if there were no trauma and you were treated well ALL THE TIME, your feelings for him would not be the same. You feel like most people are evil so with that mindset, it MAGNIFIES how good he is. I’m not saying he isn’t a great guy and that your feelings are not real. I’m just saying that regardless of how great he is, it doesn’t mean he is a good match for you. You guys kind of have this specific design where he is YOUR support and he is rescuing you and providing you emotional safety in your life. What do you do for him? How do you support him? What are his needs?
I understand your discomfort with flirting. It’s not unusual when you grow up with trauma and still carry a lot of that energy. Trauma can easily cause a person to shut down and tighten up and flirting is the opposite energy of that. Flirting is less about WHAT you say and more about HOW you say it. It’s important though…for both men and women. It’s playful, it’s bonding, it can activate lots of those feel good hormones in the body and it activates sexual desire. In it’s purest form, it’s a very healthy way to connect. When you have the general story that most people are evil though, flirting would not be something you are comfortable with. It’s just not something you are ready for however, it IS something that is important for attracting a man. It would be easy for him to view you more like a sister, since there is no flirting. Your sexual energy is shut down.
Have you ever received therapy for whatever it is you went through? It will change EVERYTHING in your life. Once you begin to release and forgive, you will attract a very different kind of guy and you will create a very different kind of life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! Wow… you have quite an interesting story. Thanks for adding in fake names. It makes it much easier to understand.
I’m curious. How long did you and Tim date before he ended that for Anna? To be honest, this guy sounds quite fickle. Do you know anything about his relationship past? Has he ever been in love? How old are you guys?
I’m glad you are not saying anything to Tim about what Anna is doing. This is THEIR experience now which means they will figure out how to navigate everything that shows up for them. Being that Tim doesn’t want anything serious anyway, Anna has full freedom to do and be whatever she wants. It sounds like that is their agreement and Tim is not interested in a relationship either.
You said that Tim admitted to it needing to take awhile before he can like someone. That sounds like a BIG caution flag. Someone like that usually has A LOT of walls up and they don’t feel very safe being vulnerable, therefore they will always need to be in control and will always be holding back. Also, the fact that he spent all of that time with you and then so quickly bailed for another girl, just validates that he is not very emotionally available. He may seem like he is connecting deeper and getting more attached, but as you are now experiencing, it wasn’t true. It sounds like he can be very present in the moment and enjoy you at that time and want more of you, but it wasn’t a connection that ran too deep for him.
I also question your feelings. You “realized” that you had deeper feelings for him when you learned from Anna that Tim was interested in her. It is not an unusual thing for a guy to become more attractive when he is less available. You all of a sudden felt the threat of losing him because of Anna and that triggered a response in you. However, I’m not so sure it’s a clear response. Meaning, it’s very possible the feelings you feel right now are just because he is stepping away and not because you actually really want to be with him. It’s the concept of “we want more of what we can’t have.” The thing is, it takes a bit of time to sift through it all. I know it feels like you want him, but I’m not sure you want him for clean, healthy reasons. There is something called trauma bonding. People will bond through their woundedness, but it feels EXACTLY like a regular, healthy connection. It’s super tough to decipher, but it you pay attention to the very small signals in yourself and give it time, you will be able to decipher if your feelings are true or if they are coming from a wounded place. My guess is, considering WHEN you realized you had deeper feelings for him, is that your reaction to this situation is more coming from a place of woundedness. It’s just an education guess though. I would like to encourage you to possibly explore this idea. Do you have a tendency or pattern to like guys who are unavailable? Did you grow up with parents who were critical, absent or not very available for you?
Are you sure you want to pursue a guy who dropped you in a hot second just because your friend became single again? You weren’t really invested and were just FWB until that moment anyway. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious, yet everything you did with him would say otherwise. So what do you REALLY want? Are you wanting to fall in love? Are you ready for a more serious experience in your life (not necessarily with him, but with someone)?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
Those are some great questions. Here are some different ways to word them that may help him feel more comfortable to answer. Each question can be part of just 1 conversation, but you also may find that just by asking a “gateway” question, it ends up answering all of your other questions. You want to know what his vision is of his future? You want to ask him in a way that makes him feel like you DON’T have an agenda, so a safe question to start with would be something like, “What kinds of things do you have on your bucket list?” That gets him talking about his future. Talk about your bucket list for a little bit and then you can lead him into talking about other parts of his future. You can ask “Where do you see yourself and your business in 5 years or 10 years? or What is your ultimate goal in your career?” talk about that for a bit and then you can lead into asking his thoughts on his relationship future. You can say something like, “Do you ever really see yourself settling down with just 1 person and being madly in love and growing old together with someone?” His response to this question will tell you a lot…if he answers this one. I would just start with these types of questions either in 1 conversation or over several different conversations. If he asks why you are asking these questions, you can say “I’ve been thinking a lot about my future for someone. I’ve been thinking about what I want to create and I realized I didn’t know much about you and your thoughts on your future, so I thought I’d just ask and learn about you.”
How does this line of questioning feel for you?
You want to know how you can add meaning to his life, but that’s more of a question a woman would understand, not so much a man. So ask it this way instead “What can I do to be a better partner for you?” If he thinks about it and doesn’t really have an answer, then you can say “Okay then, what am I doing now that you WANT me to keep doing? What am I doing that works well for you? Is there anything that I do that doesn’t work well for you?” This is always a good conversation to have every once in a while. I tell couples to get all dressed up and go out somewhere beautiful or somewhere they love and have this conversation. It’s not always the most comfortable to talk about what is working and what isn’t working however, it’s part of cleaning out the “pipes” of a relationship and working on dealing with buildup that can happen over time.
As far as talking about fears, I suggest you open the conversation with talking about a fear of your own. You can say something like, “You know, I’m realizing one of my fears is that I will end up dying alone. I think that is one of the worst things that can happen. To leave this life and not have anyone at your side, would make my life feel like it was worthless and pointless. What is a fear that you have?”
These approaches are more indirect type of approaches if that’s your style. If you want to be more direct, then there is nothing wrong with just asking him straight up whatever you want to know. It’s all about being able to read the situation and the personality of you 2 as a couple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
What is his major? Where is he graduating from?
It is really interesting how each country is handling covid. Some are super restrictive and others are super loose. I know here, certain states are completely open and mask free! I guess it just depends on the personality of the government running each place and what they feel is best. This whole thing has definitely activated A LOT of fear and caused a lot of separation in people because of differing opinions. It’s sad really.
So it sounds like when you go him you will get to meet up with Dean and Jay and hopefully contact the matching service. I imagine you are planning some amazing hikes or kayaking as well. Hopefully, it will be really good weather for you. What other fun things do you have planned at home? I’m sure Jay will come around and you’ll get to meet him in person for the first time. I’m curious to see what happens.
Heidi
Hey there,
I’m so glad you get to go home! And you get to go camping!!! Yayayay! That’s wonderful and I hope you have a really good time!
I’d be surprised if Jay doesn’t end up meeting up with you. He is so connective with you! I guess you will have your answer soon enough. What about Dean?
I would absolutely call the matchmaking service. I’ve sent out soooo many emails over the past months that have gone unanswered. It’s weird! I don’t know if it’s a Covid kind of thing or not, but I’m having to pursue answers more often than not these days. I’m excited for you!!!
Wow…it’s about that time. Your son is graduating!!!! That’s such a big deal! I have no doubt they all will make the very best of it!
Heidi
Being held like that is so powerful isn’t it? It’s not that he is “doing” anything special or specific to make you feel that way. You just happen to be responding to his energy and his touch. There is a safety you feel that sounds like you have never felt before.
I love that you get to feel that AND it’s super important to stay grounded in reality. We hear all the time “I’ve never felt this before” and women will put a TON of value in that. The thing is, when women do that, it skews their perspective. Meaning…if you felt this way other times as well, with other guys from your past, this guy would not be such a novel experience for you. Because it’s a “first” it’s causing you to get all tangled up with a guy who is not very available for you. He is freshly divorced…so essentially you are bargaining away other needs because you feel something special when he holds you. I do understand why this feels soooooo special to you, especially considering your last relationship. It’s just not the WHOLE picture. It seems like you are taking a very small piece of the puzzle and turning it into the whole picture at the exclusion of everything else. You want him at the expense of getting your needs met…you asked about how to portray being more confident? Well…you don’t give up your needs. A confident, empowered woman, who is very attractive to men, does not negotiate away her core needs. She ultimately chooses herself over connection with a man. A man can feel and sense when a woman is giving her power away and when she is staying empowered. When a guy feels like he could lose her (because she sticks to her standards) he will tend to behave a bit better whereas if he feels like she is hooked and “can’t get away” he will lose respect for her and start to push her away.
Going back to what Spyce said, it’s important that you connect to yourself and KNOW that whether he is in your life or not, you are okay. When you say ” Honestly I feel like he’s the one that mesmerized me and I can’t break away from it” that is NOT an empowered statement and he will feel that energy from you. You CAN break away. You CAN do whatever you need and want. You CAN empower yourself to have whatever you want. There IS a guy out there who can make you feel all sorts of things and he is the WHOLE package, not just a partial experience. Just something to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ipsita,
I know you have been really enjoying working with Spyce. I hope it’s okay that I offer a bit of guidance for you as well.
One of my specialties and talents is asking questions, so I thought I’d give you some ideas. The first thing to remember about questions is it is NOT about the question, but more about the energy behind the question. Questions are about gathering information, BUT to what end? Some people use the info. to control and manipulate and some use the info. to just learn about the person. Imagine you are a reporter and you want to write an article about him. It’s not about judging his answers but instead, after he answers a question, you dig deeper with another question, then another, then another. Make sure you also share yourself during the process otherwise it can feel like an interview to him and that’s not what you want. Being that he is the more closed off type, you have to pay attention to the signals he gives off when he is done answering questions. He might start to get distracted, or he might avoid answering, or he might start to shift his body a lot etc.
Direct questions are okay! The thing is, you need to just be yourself. You are trying to study so much to be the “perfect” girl so you catch his attention, but the truth is, you need to just be yourself and if that is not enough to catch his attention to the level you desire, then he is not available for you. So be yourself. I personally am a very direct person, so I ask very direct questions, but sometimes I can tell someone might be more sensitive, so I will be less direct. Each person and situation is so different, so you need to decide who you want to be with him, then formulate your questions from that energy.
We can help you formulate some of your questions. What specifically do you want to know? What do you want to learn about him? What are you hoping to accomplish by asking him questions?
heidi
Hi Morgan,
Thank you for sharing more detail. It’s very helpful.
So I’m curious…do you flirt at all? Are you comfortable flirting with other guys?
It’s not a bad thing that you are comparing your dates to Carson. He has set a standard for you. The thing is, you have never let him go. You are still holding out for hope and that is why you can’t seem to get over him. You CAN get over him if you really wanted to. There ARE other guys out there who will be able to catch your attention and take you on an adventure. Loving many times throughout your life is not an unusual thing. Think of love like a tree. Each branch that grows represents love and connection with a specific guy. When that journey ends and you stop feeding that particular branch, it will go to sleep and not be active anymore and that is what allows you to move onto another experience. You just have never stopped feeding your branch that represents Carson.
I imagine with him coming back from his mission, he has a lot on his mind about his future. It’s not unusual for a guy to be very driven to get his life together before really settling into a relationship. You both are still so very young, so it might even be scary for him that if he steps into a relationship with you, it’s much more serious (you want to marry him). That can be very intimidating to a guy when he doesn’t feel like his life is figured out and settled. That’s what the 20s are for. It’s the time to experiment, try many different jobs, get to know who you are and what you want without parents hovering (although it sounds like his mom still might be) and to try on all sorts of things. I’m wondering if some of this is what is stopping him from moving forward with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m so sorry about the noise! That’s such a difficult thing to deal with when you are not able to sleep. I know with it being only 1 night a month, it may be manageable with earplugs or something. Reality is though, that person needs to be living somewhere else and NOT an apartment complex!
How is it going at work? Have you decided what you would like to do? It may be a good idea to put some resumes out there, regardless. That way, the word is out and you may find another opportunity that is better for you. Just a thought.
How was mother’s day? Did your son have his graduation yet?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. Let’s see if we can do something to help you feel better about your situation.
Let me just make sure I understand correctly. You went on a date in 10th grade, but it didn’t go anywhere. He is your brother’s best friend. He talks to you a lot and it’s evident you also have a friendship with him. You just want something romantic. Correct?
First, if he is your brother’s best friend, that definitely adds complications. If things get messy between you and this guy, it also ruins the friendship with your brother. Becoming romantic will change everything. That may be something that is holding this guy back from stepping into something romantic with you. The consequences are very high and it’s a very risky pursuit. He may not be willing to take that risk quite yet. What happened after the date a few years back? Did he just not ask you out again? What did it feel like? Has he ever said anything romantic to you? Do you guys flirt at all?
Have you ever talked to your brother about his thoughts on it? Have you asked him how he would feel about it? Your brother matters in this situation as well.
You might be chasing ghosts or you might not. I love that he is treating you really well and of course you would want to be with him even more because you hardly have had that in your life. Let this guy be your standard. There are a TON of guys out there that will respect you, care about you, protect you, want to know you, and believe you are a treasure in their life. Accept nothing less than this!!! Ever! This guy is a great role model for you.
Heidi
I’m talking with two men and I want to go sign up with that matching service in Calgary. Is that bad of me? Seriously??? No. Go for it! The very best you can do Rhonda is to follow your guidance. If you want to do it, then have fun with it! So what that you are talking to 2 men. I think it’s important to keep all doors opened until 1 person ends up inspiring you to close the door on the rest of them. Dean and Jay are not inspiring you at the moment. Is there something wrong with you that you don’t feel the spark? Who knows. I do know that there are soooooo many things we think, feel and believe that are being influenced from places deep in our subconscious. So it’s possible you have some energetic block that stops you from really opening your heart to being treated well. It’s also very possible you just are not inspired and that’s all it really is. So all you can do is move forward with the information you DO have. And what you DO know, is that neither of them peak your interest or inspire you into something further. That’s true for today and that’s about all you have to deal with. Tomorrow might change so you’ll deal with it then. Trust yourself. You are always doing the very best that you know how with the information you have…and that’s enough Rhonda.
I’m so sorry you don’t get to go to his graduation. I’m glad to hear your other son is able to make it and is willing to help his bro out. Transitioning into the real world is tough!!! Especially in this climate.
I understand your fears about his belief. What it really comes down to though, is that his relationship with God is his own to explore. Have the strength to encourage his exploration. Maybe you can join him. Maybe he can help you expand your experience or thought process about God if you are open to it. Either way, it’s a journey together and either way, whether he connects to or believes in God, it does not mean that God rejects him. He is loved and cared for regardless. Isn’t that what you also believe?
Heidi
